Saturday, February 21, 2009

French Fried?

Very quietly, people on numerous cruise ships since mid-January have had their itineraries changed at the last minute, substituting islands in the Southern Caribbean. The islands being by-passed are Guadeloupe and Martinique specifically, with more than a half-dozen cruise ships affected. Why isn't this news? Well, IT IS and The Cap'n is your Ace Cub Reporter, telling you about it right now if you'd quit asking questions and keep reading! I guess there have been bigger stories on the nightly news that have people's attention, like the US Economy and what Prez O and his family are doing. But back to my little tale.... If they have nothing else in common, Guadeloupe and Martinique are both French, and French politics have always been a bit on the drama-queen side of the ledger. These islands are no exception. The political strife that has plagued them for some time has now erupted into scattered incidents of violence. NOTE: It should suffice to say you won't find "scattered incidents of violence" in any cruise line brochure, even as adventurous as some shore excursions have become. No, since most ships belong to publicly-traded companies, their first loyalty is to (the owners? the passengers?) the LAWYERS who don't want any part of negative incidents or the ensuing lawsuits! The good news is no one is being re-routed way out of their normal path. When you get to the lower Antilles islands, they're all over the place, and good cruise ports are numerous. Some lines are choosing Antigua, others St. Kitts or St. Maarten. So for any of you that may have upcoming cruises planned, this is just a heads-up that keeping an open mind and flexibility in your ports of call (particularly as it relates to the safety of you and your family), is a good thing. Don't be the guy in the plaid shorts screaming at the Chief Purser "The only reason we BOOKED this cruise was for Guadaloupe!"
Dude - I've been to Guadeloupe. Dozens of times when I worked on board cruise ships. On almost every other island, I'd head to the beach or shopping or sightseeing or whatever. But when the ship docked in San Juan every Saturday, I made sure to rent 3-4 videos so that on Guadeloupe day, I could simply stay in my cabin and watch movies. True story.

Californians are waking up to a new era of cruising, the Mega-ship. This week, Royal Caribbean's Mariner Of The Seas arrived on the West Coast, set to do 7-night Mexican Riviera cruises for the foreseeable future. At 138,000 tons, she's more than 50% larger than any of the other regularly-scheduled cruise ships based in Cal-E-Forn-E-a (that's how Ah-nold The Governator prounounces it). Mariner will be a welcome sight in Mexico for sure, bringing over 3000 passengers per week to Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan, and my favorite place in Mexico, Puerto Vallarta. It'll certainly make for a crowded day in Cabo, but to get a little you have to give a little. For the people living in So-Cal, the tradeoff should prove worthwhile. Later this Fall, Royal Caribbean plans to move another of its ships, the 90,000 ton Radiance Of The Seas to the Left Coast as well. She will be running 4 and 5 night cruises, and once again will be the largest ship ever to do the short-cruise market from Southern California.

This was not a good week for chimps. It was even worse for the friends of chimp owners. Fortunately, it looks like the victim of the chimpanzee attack will survive, but the more you see this story, the stranger it gets. There was actually something said in an interview with the chimp's owner, Mrs. Chimp, that not a single reporter picked up on. NOBODY! It threw me out of my chair, and I've been surfing stations looking for Entertainment Tonight, Nancy Grace, Amazing Grace, Anderson Cooper, James Fenimore Cooper or anyone to acknowledge her statement. I don't have the exact wording, so I'll have to go from what little memory I have left, but she was asked if the chimp was considered a pet or family. Her response was something like "I've raised him as a son. He can shower himself, he eats at the table including lobster tails and steak, he can drive, he can dress himself, he's like a person to me and he's been my family for 15 years." HE CAN DRIVE???? How is it possible that no news media picked up on that! So this attack wasn't the first time she has jeopardized the lives of innocent people. I tell you, there is no limit to the amount of mental illness the American public will tolerate. It's amazing.

A nickel for your thoughts! Seems an 18-yr. old man from Camden Arkansas thought the only good thing to do with nickels is roll them up in those little blue cardboard wrappers that make a $2.00 roll. The gent in question entered the Bancorp South branch Wednesday, and had a large bag of $88 worth of nickels, which he wanted to roll and exchange for paper money. As he was dumping the nickels out, something else fell out of the bag. A gun. After spotting the weapon, a teller told a supervisor who immediately called police. Shortly thereafter police arrived, and after a small scuffle they questioned the man, and felt they had cause to obtain a search warrant for his home. When they arrived and searched his house, they found $16,000 worth of allegedly stolen property, including eight firearms. Camden police Capt. Scott Rosson said many of the nickels were from a stolen coin collection, with a dramatically higher value than their .05cent face worth. The man was charged with resisting arrest and possession of a firearm. Capt. Rosson indicated the man had no intention of robbing the bank, even though ammunition for the gun was also in the bag. Apparently he was just going to cash in the coins, then sell the gun at a pawn shop. I guess when you're 18 and you have to make more than one stop while running errands, you still look at the convenience of which one is closest and go there first. Even if it means 12-20 in the State Pen.

86-year-old Arlene Hald thinks she and her family appear to be victims of identity theft. Mrs. Hald recently received a credit card bill addressed to her husband, Sylvester, who had died some 20 years earlier. The bill was for over $1000, from a phone sex supplier. Mrs. Hald's daughter contacted the billing company, Preferred Platinum Plan, who agreed to cancel charges. The Halds thought that was the end of it, until another bill arrived for over $700. The California-based phone sex company agreed to remove the latest charge as well. You hear about this kind of thing, and wonder what they could possibly offer to compensate someone like Arlene Hald. I mean, "30 free minutes" isn't something an 86-yr-old woman is likely to sink her teeth into. Or dentures, as the case may be. And I doubt that a "guest-operator" appearance would benefit either party...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Livin' On Tulsa Time

Tulsa Oklahoma is a nice enough town, but never really considered a hotbed of new technology. That is, until today. For the first time ever, some airline passengers will skip metal detectors to pass through body scanning machines, which are capable of looking through clothing for hidden weapons. The experimental program begins today at Tulsa International Airport, and will test whether the $170,000 body scanners could replace $10,000 metal detectors that have screened airline passengers since 1973. Airports in San Francisco, Las Vegas, Miami, Albuquerque and Salt Lake City will join the test in the next two months, TSA spokesman Christopher White said.
The scanners aim to close a loophole by finding non-metallic weapons such as plastic and liquid explosives, which the TSA considers a major threat. Of course, the American Civil Liberties Union has a different take: "We're getting closer and closer to a required strip-search to board an airplane," said Barry Steinhardt. Barry, stay home. Don't fly any more, and keep your entire clan of dimwits there in the garage with you. This is ground-breaking technology meant to save lives, in an unprecedented time in our history where the bad guys get smarter all the time. Many of us will gladly skate around a few liberties, to hold terrorists at bay. You go on about your business of finding other ways to miserable-ize our lives, Barry. Just because you're trying to protect prudes from their own consciences, don't feel the need to put that on the rest of us.

A Salt Lake City woman who was in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails had them broken off in a car accident. Lee Redmond sustained serious but non-life threatening injuries in the accident Tuesday. Redmond was the current Guinness record holder, with nails that hadn't been cut since 1979. Her nails measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail on her right thumb at 2 feet, 11 inches, according to Guinness. Salt Lake County Sheriff's Lt. Don Hutson said she was ejected from an SUV in the crash, and taken to the hospital with injuries and broken nails. Listen to your Mama - even world record holders should wear seat belts!

Now what was the order I was supposed to do things in again? Authorities in Sarasota Florida arrested a man who apparently forgot to fill up before robbing (by coincidence) a gas station. The Charlotte County Sheriff's Office said a 23-year-old man used a Bowie knife to rob a Cape Haze gas station early Sunday. The man pulled the 12-inch blade and demanded money, but when he left, a customer followed him and called 911. While deputies were looking for signs of the bad guy in the area, a newspaper carrier told them about a man in a car matching the one from the robbery, which had run out of gas nearby. The man was arrested and charged with armed robbery, loitering and prowling. Oh yeah, and failure to check his gas gauge. He was released Monday on $10,500 bail.

Hold it! On second thought, don't take that literally. Snellville Georgia politics may have reached an all-time low. Jerry Oberholtzer, the Mayor of the Atlanta suburb, has been asking for police escorts to the restroom in City Hall since a verbal altercation took place with city council member Robert Jenkins 3 months ago. Oberholtzer says he no longer feels comfortable around Jenkins. Councilman Jenkins says the mayor has no reason to fear for his physical safety, only "fear me as a political opponent." The Mayor has even had police Chief Roy Whitehead escort him to the restroom a time or two. I guess people get paid for different things in different jurisdictions, but if I were a cop I'd have a clear message for Mr. Mayor: "Yes Sir, I'll be right OUTSIDE if you need me there, Your Highness...."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Southern Discomfort

Once again, a small adventure ship that cruises the regions of Antarctica has run aground, leaving its passengers literally high-and-dry. Quark Expeditions' 68-passenger Ocean Nova is stuck in Antarctica's Marguerite Bay, west of Debenham Island and near the Argentine research station San Martin. Initial reports have all passengers safe, but not the happiest of penguin-watchers at the moment. Among the souls on board are 21 Americans. Taking one of these little tubs reminds me of a twist on a military tag line: "It's not just an adventure, it's a JOB!" You can bet it doesn't feel like much of a vacation to those folks right now, but they made their decision to avoid Princesses, Holland America and Celebrity to branch out on a "different" kind of trip. Well, lads and lassies, you want different you got it. I've never been an advocate of older, small ships except for the extremely hardy (and foolhardy). I'm just too old and beat up to let the ocean have its way with me these days. As a booking agent, give me the 99.9% of the American public that's perfectly fine with a normal trip, and I'll gladly leave you the other 00.1%. Enjoy them. Until the phone rings from Antarctica.

Prez O has just signed the 2009 Stimulus Bill. I checked to see if I felt any more stimulated, and so far there's nothing to report. Maybe the extra caffeine in my system is keeping me from feeling it, but I'm still going to give Prez O the benefit of the doubt. After the last 8 years, I'm up for any change - even the nickels I find on the street. Who knows, that could be my salary sometime down the road.

Don't mess with Utes! A suspected car thief now faces the wrath of the Utah justice system, after facing the wrath of a ticked-off woman in a parking lot. Yvonne Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital in Salt Lake City said she saw a man break into a co-worker's vehicle, and she chased the man down. He kept squirming away from her, but on the 3rd time she caught up with him, Ms. Morris grabbed hold of the man's boxer shorts and pulled him a super-wedgie. Salt Lake City police said she then she put a headlock on the man, until help could arrive moments later. The man was booked into the county jail on suspicion of vehicle burglary, possession of stolen property and outstanding warrants. He was also treated for some really, really sore areas, as well as an incredibly bruised ego. See you in court forthwith.

How much would YOU pay for a cup 'o Joe from Starbucks? For a jewelry salesman from Kansas, it could end up costing a bit more than expected, and that's not even counting the the mocha bran muffin. Police say the un-named salesman stopped for coffee Monday at a Starbucks in Parker, Colorado just south of Denver. While returning to his car, he was held up at gunpoint by 3 masked robbers, who escaped with three tubs of jewelry and a briefcase. The briefcase contained the salesman's protective handgun, but he failed to take it with him on his java stop (Doh!). Police didn't immediately identify the 64-year-old salesman, at his request, but said the robbers made off with approximately $300,000 worth of jewelry. Mmmmmm, that's good coffee!

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young said "Teach Your Children Well." In Kansas, that has a whole new meaning. A high school student's keen eye has caught an error on a State test that managed to slip past teachers, test coordinators and other students for almost a year. Geoffrey Stanford, 17, discovered during a writing test last week that an essay question concerning greenhouse gases incorrectly used the word "omission" for the word "emission." The Wichita East High School junior pointed out the error. He said,"Surely they're not talking about leaving out carbon dioxide altogether. It just didn't make sense." The state Department of Education has e-mailed a corrected version of the essay question to test coordinators around the state, but the incident already has caused a lot of red faces at the department, which used a committee of more than 30 Kansas teachers to develop the test almost two years ago. The questions had been tested in 50 high schools last spring, on literally thousands of students. Mr. Stanford said he is careful with his written work and called himself a "stickler for grammar and vocabulary, and the correct use of words." Of course, later in the song CSNY also add the words "Teach Your Parents Well." Way to go, Geoffrey.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Upping Your Grades

Welcome to Cruise School, students. Today, we'll discuss one of the most misused and misunderstood phrases in the history of the business, "Upgrades". When speaking of hotels, an upgrade almost always means something. Your room is in a more preferred location. Your room is bigger. Your room has an improved view. In the hotel biz, most of the time an upgrade is truly a more premium stay, at the same price you paid. Does this equate to cruise line biz? They'd sure like you to think so! But let's have a reality check. Since the mid 1980's, almost all cruise ships have been built in a cookie-cutter design. By that,
I mean that no matter what deck you're on, inside staterooms, oceanview staterooms or balcony stateroom are either identical to each other, or so similar the difference is unnoticeable. The marketing ploy is to offer a "2-category upgrade if you book today", but in reality you're getting exactly the same cabin, just in a slightly different location. WOO HOO! In fact, on some ships there are as many as 6 "like" categories on the same deck, so all you're doing is moving down the hall! Seriously. If you have a Holland America brochure, or go to hollandamerica.com, you can pull up some of their ships like the Maasdam, Ryndam or Statendam and view the deck plans. Notice on the lowest deck there are 6 room categories called "Oceanview". If you book any of them, and they happen to be offering a 1 or 2 category upgrade (which only happens on occasion), you're likely to be moving only 30-40 yards down the hall on the same deck. Upgrade??? Maybe in the most basic sense. It's true that the most forward cabins have portholes, and those more midship have windows, so there is at least that. What's amazing to me is the cruise lines actually charge more money for those more-midship cabins. It wouldn't be amazing if it were $10-20, but in many cases it can run $100 or $200 or more per person, just to be down the hall. I'm not just picking on one cruise line here either - they all do it to some degree or another. But my philosophy has always been:

1) Talk to an agent who knows what they're doing (like me!)
2) Let that person know what you truly want and expect
3) Don't sweat the jealousy of "he got upgraded and I didn't"
4) BUY WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY!

Not such a difficult thing, eh? Upgrades are not always a good thing in the cruise industry, either. What if you were upgraded to a higher level, but now your cabin faces the elevator and you hear the little "ding", and people talking and laughing all hours of the day and night? How's that relaxing vacation working for ya? Just talk with your travel professional, figure out what will meet your needs the best, and buy it. Don't wait around for gimmicks and marketing ploys. Every day that goes by, the best cabin locations are being picked over by knowledgeable agents and cruise customers. Don't be shut out because you were suckered into the dream of something for nothing. Billie Preston said "Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. You gotta have something." Well said, Sir. Call me and I'll get you something nice.

Gotta love dumb crooks. They keep the airwaves buzzing, with proof idiocy still exists. Take this guy from Connecticut: Police in New Britain arrested Joel Rubin, 42, in January and charged him with using a stolen credit card. He was at a store, trying to buy a bunch of stuff under someone else's identity. So it was going to be FREE if he got away with it. Are you with me so far? Apparently Joel figured he could do BETTER than free, by also using a store discount card, to get a lower price on the merchandise in question. Problem was, the discount card was in Rubin's actual name, which did not match the credit card and fake ID he was providing. Store clerks tipped off police, and he was arrested outside the store, and has been charged with Grand Larceny and identity theft.

They say "When the world give you lemons, make lemonade."
I'm not sure who THEY are, but even a good concept can be taken to the extreme. Forbes magazine reported in December that California State authorities were investigating a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, Dr. Alan Bittner. It appears he was just trying to live up to the old saw I mentioned above, but not everyone appreciated the good Doctor's imaginative approach. Dr. Bittner claimed that he had figured out a way to create diesel fuel for his and his girlfriend's SUVs, from the liposuctioned fat materials collected from his patients. California law unfortunately prohibits using medical waste for any such purpose, and a number of patients have now filed lawsuits against him. I'm not sure what grounds they could possibly have, but any time people see a Doctor being sued there's an immediate line out the door, to get a piece of that pie. Of course too much pie can lead back to more liposuction, so it's a vicious cycle.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Finally - THE GRAMMYS!

In case you think The Cap'n has lost his mind, the answer is no. At least not completely. But I always get excited about the night of The Grammy Awards. Not for the music. Good heavens no, there hasn't been anything resembling good music for at least a decade. The Grammys is always chock-full of people you've never heard of, or people you've heard of but detest, and a few of whoever-is-hot-that-year celebrities thrown in, to drum up some semblance of respect for wasting a night of network television. The performances are nearly always forgettable, usually under some ill-conceived dance routine or stage setting that is an atrocious match for the song. So why do I look forward to The Grammys? Because it means another horrible year of music is finally over, and I have hopes that maybe - just maybe THIS will be the year that brings us back to musical sense as a people. Yes, I'm an eternal optimist (which is similar to being an eternal optometrist, but without the extra schooling and having to stare into people's eyes all day). You're probably thinking I'm just old and set in my ways when it comes to music. Well, that's possible. I'm certainly old, but I'm always up for new things and welcoming new artists, as long as it's truly music. Having been a music major back in college, I still consider harmony and melody as necessities. Even Metal can have harmony and melody, so I'm not locked in to Pop, Easy Listening, Country or Top 40. I'm a fan of talent. Not just vocals, but instrumental too. The entire generation who is growing up on various forms of "spoken music" have no idea what they're missing. They're getting bad poetry to a beat box. It'll be interesting to see if these people go to their 20th or 30th reunion and still want to hear the junk they're posing to now. Only time will tell.

I had to laugh today at an article I read earlier, where a passenger complained about some jewelry she bought on a cruise ship, not living up to her expectations. She said she got home and within a couple of months, the gold started turning green. Seems this person took home one of the great tourist traps you'll find on vacation, "Gold By The Inch." Does that sound like high-quality to anyone out there? That would be like telling someone to reach in to a container, and pull out a fistful of diamonds for X amount of dollars. It's strictly the sale of "bling" for bling's sake, at the lowest common denominator you can legally call gold or diamonds. Gold has so many variations on purity, buying inches at a time can't be a reliable quality source, regardless of what the salesperson tells you. It can be a pretty bargain if you only want something that shines, but to look at it as anything more than costume jewelry is a wrong assumption. Granted it shouldn't turn color, and the cruise line DID stand behind it and give her a refund. But if you want a beautiful gold necklace, don't look for something that's too good to be true. That's where the saying came from! Think about where you're standing....a retail gift shop on a cruise ship. It's true they have some nice jewelry pieces on board, because they have to compete with the duty-free shops in the various ports. But 99 times out of 100, buying by-the-inch is a sucker bet. You're never getting Cartier at Big Lots.

Griddle Me This, Batman!

Seems New York City has had some olfactory issues of late. No, you need to read closer. I didn't say they're having problems with 'ol factories. This issue is strictly about smell, and a sweet breakfast-like smell at that. MAPLE this will help you understand: At odd times since 2005, New Yorkers have noticed the unmistakable smell of maple syrup, wafting through the streets of The City. As quickly as they would arise, they would dissipate and be gone. Inexplicable! But after nearly 4 years, Mayor Bloomberg and City investigators have tracked down the source of the scent that has puzzled its residents. No offense, New Jersey, but you stink! The harmless, but long-confounding smell which has drifted through areas of the city at least nine times over the last 4 years, was finally traced to a facility across the Hudson River that processes seeds for use in artificial flavorings. Mayor Bloomberg said that a team of odor investigators, environmental protection workers, health department and emergency management workers "put our noses to the ground" to identify the culprit after another whiff in early January. The investigation involved mapping the time and place of all the odor complaints to the city's 311 hot line, data that were then compared with wind and atmospheric conditions. Those were checked against air sampling tests during the periods that New Yorkers reported smelling the odor. Bloomberg said the odor has been detected by New Yorkers only a small number of times because the conditions apparently had to be quite specific."You have to have a day with winds at the right speed, going in the right direction, and high humidity, but no rain," he said. Officials found that the highest concentration of calls often came from the Upper West Side of Manhattan, and that the odor reports tended to come on days when wind speed was fast enough to carry odors, but slow enough that they were not immediately dispersed. The probe found that one facility in Hudson County was processing fenugreek seeds on the evening of Jan. 29, when multiple odor complaints came in. Fenugreek is a common ingredient in curry powders, and its extract is also used in artificial vanilla, caramel, butterscotch and maple flavorings. New Jersey officials say the facility, operated by a company called Frutarom, does not appear to be violating any rules or regulations. I'm sure New Yorkers are glad to hear that the hundreds of thousands of their tax dollars needed for such a task force, have finally borne fruit. Or a fruity smell anyway.

Starting a family might be a little easier than you thought, with just a single trip to Ripley's Believe It or Not museum in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The museum on Thursday opens a month-long display of fertility statues. The 5-foot tall wooden statues were acquired on the Ivory Coast of West Africa in 1993. The company says they were then placed in its corporate headquarters in Orlando, Fla., and within a few months, 13 women became pregnant. According to the company, more than 2,000 women have reported becoming pregnant after touching the statues. They will be on display at Ripley's through the first of March. The company says couples wanting to have a baby can touch the statues for free during business hours.

Sorry, I'll stick with the old-fashioned method thank you very much...

Friday, February 6, 2009

Let's Get Stimulated!

Prez Obama is finding some rough sledding, getting the 30- and 40-year career Washingtonians to get on board his economic stimulus package. Imagine that. The Good-'Ol-Boy Network fighting change. Regardless how loud the American people SCREAMED FROM THE MOUNTAINTOP that they were sick of the status quo, some statuses will always remain quo. Until they are booted from office. Sad, sad, sad. Anyway, I wanted to see Miriam Webster's take on stimulus:

Stimulus: something that rouses or incites to activity: a) incentive b) a stimulant c) an agent that directly influences the activity of a living organism or one of its parts, such as by exciting a sensory organ or evoking muscular contraction or glandular secretion. Now THAT sounds like something the Good-'Ol-Boys could get behind! The reality of America's future hasn't seemed to sink in to these talking heads, though. They're comfortable with the reality of politics, trying in the first 30 days to teach the voting public how wrong they were to disagree with their way of thinking. Again, it's sad. I'm rooting and cheering out loud for the Prez, and I hope he takes names and kicks some behind along the way!

Recent polls show that people are still cruising (rightfully so), but they are dramatically cutting back on some of the main onboard revenue producers. Casino revenues are in the ditch. Spa treatments and beauty salon have been halved. Beverage consumption is down almost 10%. Shore excursions, while still popular, have been downplayed as well, with more and more people researching the islands before they get there, then doing their own thing. It's true there are outside companies who can provide shore trips, sometimes for less money. But you don't know exactly what you're getting in many cases, and there are pitfalls. If there is an incident with one of the ship's tours, you have recourse as a paying passenger, and the cruise line stands behind their product. If you go elsewhere and there's a problem, have a nice time trying to work that out between you and Party X. Also, if you're on a ship tour and your bus breaks down an hour away from the pier, they know it. You're on a computer manifest, and they do a headcount before departing, and will hold the ship as needed until their tours return. Same scenario, if you did it on your own? Oh my! Best of luck getting a flight to the next island (often by flying at your own expense back to the USA to get a connection). Also, cruise line shore trips have a small amount built in for insurance, to cover them (and you) in case of a catastrophic accident or incident. So my suggestion is to gamble less if times are tight, cut back on grooming and spa services if you will, and (*gulp*) even cut back on alcohol if you must - but be wary of going too far out on a limb with private excursions. Nothing ruins a vacation faster than standing on the pier, watching your ship sail off, knowing she's not turning around. "Buh-bye!"

The Westminster Dog Show has been in the news. Some countries don't have anything quite like it, but they have other venues. Take for example Saudi Arabia. This oil-rich country is host to several camel beauty pageants each year. 2008 was the country's first goat beauty pageant, held in Riyadh, highlighted by the distinctive Najdi breed, featuring high nose bridges and silky, shaggy hair. In fact, most of the goats in the competition had the same father, Burgan, whose progeny typically fetch the equivalent of $25,000 and up. Prize-winning show camels can bring 10 times that amount, for the greater status they convey to their owners. But Saudis still enjoyed the first-of-its-kind goat beauty contest. Burgan himself did not appear, because his owner feared that a jealous competitor would have an "evil eye" cast upon him. I wonder if that's what happened to the Lassie-look-alike collie at Westminster last year?

Even though casino revenues are down world-wide, there is a newsworthy attempt to construct one in California that's created a stir. Numerous federal lawsuits tried to block it, but by the end of last month, a federal judge had dismissed the last pending lawsuit standing in the way of the new Indian casino in Amador County. Amador is where the Federally-recognized
Me-Wuk Tribe, of Buena Vista Rancheria, has its 67-acre reservation. A representative of the Tribe had filed an application to build a new Indian casino, and locals tried unsuccessfully to block it. Why did residents of the area object to the Me-Wuk Tribe's casino? Possibly because the Me-Wuk consists only of Rhonda Morningstar-Pope and her 5 kids. By coincidence, none of them lives on Tribal land. I'm not sure what constitutes a Tribe legally, but that sounds more like a Posse or Scout Troop to me. Federal judges are working on something like this, while the world around us crumbles. Somehow our priorities have run over the edge of a cliff...

"Living in China: So easy, a cave man can do it." That will probably never be a National slogan in the Great Land of Asia, but the idea itself definitely has a following. A large number of Chinese have their residences in caves, and often it's not a bad deal, according to a McClatchy Newspapers dispatch from Miaogou Village. In addition to advantages (such as no mortgage), some caves have been in the family for generations, and have electrical wiring, plumbing and cable TV. Some are even part of communities of connected caves. Cavaminiums! Researchers said that earthen insulation keeps the inside temperature from dropping below about 55 degrees Fahrenheit, even in the dead of winter. Like me, you're probably wondering how many people actually live like this. Because all things are bigger in China when it comes to numbers, my initial impression from the story would be they're talking about 30-thousand, maybe 40-thousand people. Not so much. According to the researchers, an estimated 20-million people in China could do Geico commercials from their caves! That's 20,000,000 as in 20 followed by 6 zeroes. And you thought you had it rough getting cable installed, outside the city limits.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Cruise Ship Headlines -- The Ridiculous Media Bias

It's amazing. Whenever I'm surfing around travel sites, USAToday, CNN.com, etc. my eye is always scanning for the word "cruise." But every time I see a headline with that word in it, there's almost surely something wrong. Somebody fell overboard. Somebody just hit a huge storm. Some little tub (that's still called a "cruise ship" in the headline), which should have been retired 20 years ago is sinking. Today I woke up to Super Bowl Sunday, and clicked on my Road Runner home page. There it is - HEADLINE: CRUISE SHIP STUCK IN ICY RIVER!

Okaaaaaay. It's the first day of February. What in the heck is any cruise ship doing in a river, for one thing, a river in February for another, and why are they in ice? I've heard of swimming with the dolphins, but cruising with the polar bears? On further inspection, it's a Canadian cruise ship that had been CHARTERED by 300 skiers from Quebec, to travel up the St. Lawrence Seaway from Montreal to the Gaspe Peninsula, to celebrate the region's 475th Anniversary. Can you people not drive to the area? Or snowmobile if it's frozen over? The vessel in question was not operating as normal. The ship is the CTMA Vacancier, a cruise ship that usually operates one-week cruises in the summer. Not February! Not On Frozen Pond! Whoever came up with such a convoluted idea needs his head examined, as the ship had to be rescued (at no small expense) by a Canadian Coast Guard Icebreaker, the Terry Fox. Conditions were so extreme, even the Terry Fox got stuck for nearly 24 hours. I hope the Coast Guard sends the bill to the idiots who chartered the Vacancier in the first place.

Bottom line: Once again, nothing good ever happens in the cruise industry, right? I mean, I'm sitting in Charlotte, North Carolina and my Road Runner headlines are supposed to represent the most important news items happening anywhere in the world. Scientific breakthroughs. World events. Important changes to the Human Condition. The Super Bowl for heaven's sake! So what's my headline today?
"Cruise Ship Stuck In Icy River!" You know, Mr. and Mrs. Media, there really are millions of happy, satisfied cruise customers every year. Seriously. You can check. Try Google...

8-6-7-5-3-O-niyeeine. Jenny, Jenny. Anyone who knows the song knows name and the number, and after 5 years of fielding thousands of calls to one of rock's most celebrated phone numbers, disc jockey Spencer Potter is hanging up. Jenny's seven digits are familiar to anyone who paid attention to pop music in the early 1980s, from a song immortalized by the band Tommy Tutone (bet you can't name another!). Mr. Potter and his roommates requested the phone number, for their home phone in northern New Jersey. Luckily (or unluckily) for them, they got it - plus about 30 to 40 calls a day. "Is Jenny there?" Well, what did you THINK they were gonna ask?! The 28-year-old Potter says he's selling his DJ business, A Blast Entertainment, and moving to New York. The business and the phone number are up for sale on eBay, where the high bid was about $1,000 as of Sunday morning. Hey bidders. Be careful what you wish for.

Just the other day, I ran an article about something that happened in Everett, Washington. Apparently it's a news-worthy-kinda-town. According to the Everett Herald, police pulled over a man Thursday evening at 3 a.m., who appeared to be driving erratically. He was clocked at 2 m.p.h. You heard right. Seems this 29-year old was seen driving a piece of construction equipment, in the lift bucket, down the street in the wee hours of the morning. The man, who appeared to have been drinking, was in the lift bucket of a Genie Boom, with a 6-pack of beer and a bag of beef jerky when police pulled him over. At first he told police he was just going to the store. But when pushed further, and asked him why he was in a bucket lift, he said he was delivering the $20,000 piece of construction equipment on a dare, from a stranger he met on CraigsList. Now, I've never talked to Craig personally, or read his List, or shared my life history with a stranger there, but sometimes you read an article like this and the only term that comes instantly to mind is "thinning the herd."

Whether you like Disney or not, they sure got it right when it comes to Super Bowl marketing. They let all the other companies vie for a piece of meat, during bathroom breaks when people tend to miss at least some of the ads. No, Disney waits until the game is over, someone is named Most Valuable Player, then they pay that person to look into the camera, smile, and say "I'm going to DISNEY WORLD!" Perfect. The best of the best. Then again, what works for them may not work for another company. Just imagine.....the game ends, and a Most Valuable Player is named. The announcer says "Johnny Blue! You just won the Super Bowl. What are you gonna do now?" Johnny Blue smiles, looks into the camera, and says "I'm going to drink a bottle of KAOPECTATE!"

Aren't you glad Disney thought of it first?