Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Green on Blue (Trees in the ocean?)

"Now entering the starting gate, ladies and gentlemen, is the much-ballyhooed thoroughbred, Oasis of the Seas. Sired by Monarch from the dame Majesty, this super-charger is currently UNDEFEATED, though if we're being honest she hasn't even raced yet. Not even a claimer. She stands taller than the competition, coming in at over 2,700 hands in height (Secretariat was just over 16 hands), and she carries more than 8,500 jockeys and stable personnel. She prefers a very wet track, and is fully expected to be a high-stakes winner, right from the get-go."

Well, we hope so, though I might not bet the farm just yet. This ship has been commanding a premium of more than double what the other Royal Caribbean ships charge, simply by being bigger and more different and just plain MORE. Even in the current economy, people are opening their wallets nice and wide to get on the newest industry behemoth. And she is definitely that. The ship is enormous, with a crew and staff that is larger than what most ships carry as a complement of passengers! Live trees growing onboard. I guess it wouldn't make sense to have dead trees, but STILL - it's something new, something different, something people have been willing to pay a premium rate on. So far. But a report in today's USAToday online indicates that could be coming to a halt sooner, rather than later. Already pricing is starting to come down from its initial dizzying heights, as Royal Caribbean tries to fill such a massive amount of berths week-in, week-out. And there's another wooly mammoth just like her being built as we speak. The fear is saturation, which in my mind has a greater chance of victory in this race than "If you build it, they will come." I'm a bit of a skeptic at the moment, since I'm a traditionalist who thinks there really IS such a thing as too big. But I'd be grateful if they can prove me wrong, by keeping demand and prices high. We'll see.

Bartender: Get me a military aircraft, a down parka, snowmobile, blasting caps, thermal boots and something refreshing to drink, please!

After more than 100 years, a team of liquor connoisseurs is set to drill through Antarctica's ice sheets, in search of a lost cache of vintage Scotch whiskey. You may know the story of explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton, whose ship and team made a journey to the South Pole more than a century ago. Devastatingly-cold weather conditions forced the crew to abandon ship and most of their belongings, before being rescued. One prize left behind was the now-extremely-aged Scotch. The site was re-discovered in 2006, but the ice pack was too dense for retrieval. Now, the beverage company Whyte & Mackay has hired a team fetch the two crates of Rare Old brand of McKinlay and Company whiskey. They are hoping to replicate the taste, though because of an odd conservation agreement made by the Antarctic Treaty nations, they will only be allowed to bring out a couple of bottles. Maybe the plan is to create a duplicate copy of the beverage, with explicit instructions on the label:

Step 1) Purchase
Step 2) Store in a cold dark place, preferably at a Polar Ice Cap or imbedded in a solution of liquid nitrogen for at least 10 decades
Step 3) Open
Step 4) Drink
Step 5) Wipe mouth, smile big, say "Aaaaaaahhhhhh."


Speaking of bizarre treatment of alcohol, A Ugandan official has called for the bodies of dead people who died as a result of drinking an illicit local gin, to be caned (beaten) six times before burial. He said the caning will act "as an example to the living people of what can happen." Huh? The gin, called waragi, is distilled with a poisonous methanol, and Police say it has caused more than 50 deaths in the last two months. I wonder what IQ Test is required to become a Ugandan official? You have to be pretty smart, apparently, to realize that caning a dead body only 5 times won't act as enough of a deterrent, but caning it 7 times would appear to be overkill and socially, in bad taste.

6 times is genius...

Monday, November 16, 2009

What? (removes his shoe)

There's an old Monty Python bit, where John Cleese answers a phone and all you hear is his end of the conversation. It's obvious the person on the other end of the phone is asking him questions, as his response goes something like this:

"Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. What? (removes his shoe): 7 1/2. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Alright then."

For those of you who might be lacking a funny-bone, the COMEDY comes from the fact that no one calling would care what your shoe size is, whether seven-and-a-half or anything else. And the fact that he doesn't question the question, only gives the honest mundane answer. Welcome to my world! The TSA & Homeland Security are just about to step-up their passenger background checks, for anyone getting on an airplane in the US. People are used to calling their travel agents, booking a flight, and off they go. Now we're going to have to start asking for First name, middle name, last name, birthdate, gender of the traveler, and if they have a DHS-issued re-dress number (guess I'm going to have to find out what that is!). I can hardly wait. In this ultra-fast-paced world, where people get annoyed easily at even the slightest thing that might slow down their activities schedule, we're going to have to have this conversation over and over with people, until they get used to the idea that it's REQUIRED if you want to fly. Why? Put yourself in Homeland Security's place. Bill Johnson is wanting a plane ticket. Do you think when they try to do a background check, there will be more than 1 Bill Johnson? And what if he goes by Bill, but his real name is Clarence Willie Johnson? Not William or Bill as you might assume. But let's say his name was William Johnson. There's still gotta be many tens of thousands of them. But if you check William Wayne Johnson, who was born on Aug. 8, 1947 it dramatically narrows the field. That's the whole point of this exercise, to make it so we're all safer in the skies and on the ground. The background checks will be looking not only for people on terror watchlists, but deadbeat parents, people wanted by The Law, and so on. At least to this point they haven't asked for shoe size, so John Cleese is safe within his classic comedy bit from becoming commonplace. I figured I'd just mention it here, so my millions and billions of international followers and devotees would be up to date. I'm pretty sure I'm that popular, but it could be less.

CNN online has an interesting story today about Travel & Leisure Magazine's idea of the World's Ugliest Buildings. I've got to admit some of them are pretty cool looking (from a drunken sailor kind of standpoint), but yes there are some stinkers in there as well. Here's a link, and you can decide for yourself:

http://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/the-worlds-ugliest-buildings/1/


Procter & Gamble announced that it will once again create and host a public restroom for the holidays in New York City's Times Square, as a promotion for Charmin tissue. Last year's installation was specially outfitted toilet facilities, but this year P&G is going to upgrade the promotion. They're hiring five bloggers called Charmin Ambassadors, to "interact" with the expected "hundreds of thousands of bathroom guests" and write about their experiences with Charmin tissue on the company's Web site. They even want people to include "family-friendly" photographs. P&G is calling the campaign "Enjoy the Go." I've renamed it "New York City - It's Craptastic." So there, P&G - let's see which name consumers pick up on.

With lawsuits piling up against Bank of America, a man named Dalton Chiscolm found a new angle to try to strike gold. In September, he sued the bank in New York City Federal Court for inadequate customer service concerning his checks' routing numbers, and asked for damages of "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" plus an additional "$200,164,000 in compensatory damages." Judge Denny Chin appeared confused about the lawsuit, but gave Chiscolm 30 days to better explain his complaint. When the Plaintiff failed to do so, Judge Chin dismissed the suit. Coincidentally, the BBC News looked into the lawsuit, and reported that the first amount listed which is 1,784 followed by 21 zeros, is more money than exists on the entire planet. And I thought that was reserved for the World Series Of Poker winner...

Friday, November 13, 2009

What About Bob (Part II)

I'm a big fan of originality. There's nothing better than hearing a comedian tell a story or a joke you've never heard before, and you wonder how that person had the singular insight to find such a 1-of-a-kind revelation after the ba-zillion comedians that had come before him. Some of the best movies ever made became classics because of their innovation ("You gotta go - you've never seen anything like it before").


And then there are cruise lines. For decades, they all strived to create or maintain a specific identity, but some time in the 80's with the advent of the Mega-liners, the differences started to blur a little. Then a lot. Today, you'd better have yourself a mighty fine travel agent (like ME!) to help distinguish one product from another. Certainly there are differences, but original thought seems to have gone overboard, lost at sea, most noticeably in 3 areas.

# 1) For years, people looked forward to going on a cruise and experiencing gourmet-level dining, in a social atmosphere where you would meet new friends to share the cruise with. You dined together nightly, swapping stories about what you did that day, and the pampering by your waiter made the experience truly special. Then one of the cruise lines came up with the idea of offering people the ability to come to dinner whenever they wanted, sit wherever they wanted, and they could be as anti-social as they darn well pleased. Since I'm a traditionalist when it comes to cruising, I found this to be a huge error in judgement. Sometimes there is a waiting line now. You may want the same waiter you had last night, but his section is full. Now you go to a new table and have to start the "I'm blank, and I do blank for a living, and we live in blank..." To me, that virtually ruins the dining experience, but the other cruise lines couldn't wait to play follow-the-leader. Now you have Freestyle. Any Time. My Time. Open Seating. Personal Choice. The list goes on, but dining on a cruise ship will never be the same.

2) Ships used to be sleek and elegant, able to carve through the ocean like a hot knife through butter. But they didn't hold enough passengers to keep growing profits. So someone came up with the idea of squared-off, boxy-looking ships that you can keep layering like an onion, making them taller and taller, longer and longer, wider and wider in search of a buck. Some of these ships are building marble walkways on the 11th or 12th deck, 100 feet above the water. Can you say TOP-HEAVY? Again, these measures are being done to enhance the bottom line more than the passenger experience.

3) Here's our brand new ship. Let's call it ________. I think you know where this is going, don't you? Carnival Splendour. Splendour of the Seas. Norwegian Dream. Carnival Dream. Disney Dream. Emerald Seas. Emerald Princess. Legend of the Seas. Carnival Legend. Spirit of Glacier Bay. Carnival Spirit. Aegean Spirit. Spirit of Adventure. Adventure of the Seas. And then there's Holland America, who believes in re-cycling! A few years back, they retired an older ship called the Noordam. So they built a new ship. Called it the Noordam. They've done the same thing with Nieuw Amsterdam, Rotterdam and others. So my suggestion? What about Bob? You could call your ships Tom, Dick and Harry and everyone would remember them as easy as pie. And if you retired Tom, Dick and Harry, they could be replaced by Snap, Crackle and Pop. Or Phyllis, Gladys and Wynnona. Who cares? Instead of rehashing the same old-same old, try something new. How about other nice names like Sunshine? Sunrise? Sunset? How about something elegant like The Carnival Rose? Champagne Princess? Or maybe Rainbow of the Seas? I guess you really can't, because then the other cruise lines would make the Petunia, The Dark Beer, or the Thunder Clap. Actually, I'd like to sail on the Thunder Clap. Sounds like a rip-roaring good time. Then again, the Carnival Bob sounds like a hoot as well. I'm not so sure the Bob Princess is appropriate, but hey - anything to break the monotony!

If you want to know the ins and outs of cruising, and who to sail on for the best experience, just contact Cap'n Bob. I'll lead you to the Promised Land of Vacation Glory (not to be confused with the Carnival Glory or the Ocean Glory).


PULL OVER, LADY! Do you know how SLOWLY you were going?

Police in Northern Wales are having to locate over 300 people they had issued tickets to since March 1st, in an attempt to REFUND more than $29,000 to those motorists. It seems the Police initially issued tickets for people driving TOO SLOWLY on a heavily-patrolled stretch of road - people doing 30 mph or less in a 40 mph zone. However, it was later discovered by the authorities that while they had been targeting that particular stretch of highway, the actual speed limit was 30mph through the area. All of the ticketed parties were completely innocent. None of the 300+ ticket-issuing Officers noticed that the speed limit had been lowered from 40 to 30 over a year ago, and The North Wales Police have apologized for the error.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ida Wanna Nuther Hurricane!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water (off Nicaragua). While it's not a common sight, this mostly-quiet 2009 hurricane season has spawned a couple of late-comers. The Pacific side got whacked about a week ago, and now Ida has raised her ugly 75mph head deep in the Caribbean. It wouldn't be so bad for us if she would have just spun into land and been a rainmaker, but now Ida is heading North. Due North. As in through the Cozumel/Cancun area and a beeline towards New Orleans. If there's any good news at all, and this is a reach, it's that the Gulf of Mexico has cooled down quite a bit, which should keep Ida from fueling herself into a real monster. But every computer model shows her heading to that little patch from New Orleans to the furthest tip of the Florida panhandle. That's likely to mess up all the Western Caribbean cruise itineraries over the next few days at least. You can ask any of my clients who book from June to December, and almost the 1st words out of my mouth are "Let's look for something out of the hurricane zone." Some listen, some don't. But those who don't always remember after-the-fact that I tried to move them to a safer environment. Weather is weather, and anything can happen. But being a Vegas guy, I always try to play with the odds in my favor. If any substantial news comes up in the next few days, I'll try to update those of you who use me as your weather source instead of CNN or the Weather Channel (like THEY would know anything!).

Snakes On A Plane (sort of)

Customs officers in Norway were amazed to find 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to a man's body last Sunday. The unidentified man was arrested after disembarking a ferry from Denmark. Norwegian Officials say he was trying to illegally import the reptiles into the country. "I've seen a lot of things in my time," said Customs agent Olie Bjornsen, "but I'm amazed that he could stand having live reptiles moving all over him like that." His bounty of illegal pets was discovered after agents had found a tarantula in his luggage, prompting a full body search. When questioned why the tarantula was in his bag, I'm guessing her probably said something like "Well, where would you THINK I'd keep a tarantula? You'd have to be an idiot to strap a tarantula to yourself. Ewwww!!" Plead insanity, dude. It's your only shot.

An Oxford Ohio man found himself in big trouble on Halloween night. Police stopped James P. Miller, age 20, for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. Oxford police said when they stopped Miller, they found multiple open beer cans in his front seat, with plenty more in the trunk. The accused DUI driver blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test, almost double the legal limit in Ohio, and he was cited on numerous charges including also having a fake ID in his possession. While this case is sadly too common, the reason I mentioned it is because of the costume Miller was wearing at the time of his arrest.

He was dressed as a Breathalyzer machine.
Be careful what you wish for, son...