Cap'n Bob's Cruise'n Travel'n Blog'n

Remember When.....?

2010-07-15T12:43:00.009-04:00

The News was The News? Something was always happening in the world, or seemed to be, and journalists had the integrity to REPORT the story, not DISTORT the story. There were few issues with coloration or bias in news reporting: "Just the facts, Ma'am," and thank you very much. Walter Cronkite and that sort of thing. Today I saw a headline on CNN. Front page. Center Top. "Oil crisis leaves puppies homeless." Now I hate this oil debacle as much as the next guy (unless the next guy is a Senator from Texas), but can we quit playing the heart-string game here CNN? I'm also a big-time animal lover, but I'm more concerned about the people whose lives have been so adversely affected by the spill, that they can't keep food on the table for their families, or a roof over their head, let alone be able to adopt a puppy. C'mon, Media! I prefer mine Media-Well, not Media-Rare or Raw. What's tomorrow's headline gonna be?
"BP spill causing depression among Latvian orphans." There you go! Don't be depressed because you're an orphan, or that you live in Latvia, but because there's a leak in the containment cap half-a-planet away. People in this Country worry about CREATIONISM being taught in schools, but they need to worry more about it playing across the newspapers and TV screens all across the USA. Creation of whatever truth or half-truth seems to sell in America. Ah yes, I remember America. Big place. We all used to be Americans. Not any more. The Media (or TheM for short) have seen to it that blue people hate red people, and all people hate some other people, for reasons no people really understand but are told BY GOSH YOU'D BETTER!! TheM sure do rile things up. TheM used to be called a "circus", and if you ask me that's only partially right because both are filled with clowns. Regardless of who I'm supposed to hate, I've made my decision....I hate TheM!

Customs and Border Protection Officers in Buffalo, New York had a strange case come before them this week. Eugene Todie was crossing back into New York from Canada July 9, and was asked to step inside for further discussion when it was discovered he was using someone else's passport. The investigation also found Mr. Todie is on probation in NY State, and was not supposed to leave the country under any condition. Then one of the Officers noticed Mr. Todie was wearing an ankle bracelet, and questioned him about it. Mr. Todie seemed to get a frog in his throat (sorry, couldn't resist), then replied that a probation officer-friend gave him the bracelet, to wear as a show of support for actress Lindsay Lohan. She too had to wear an ankle monitor for alcohol abuse, and like the suspect she didn't allow something as insignificant as a Court order keep her from traveling outside the US, if she darn-well felt like it. Records show the Buffalo man was on probation for criminal contempt already, and when he appears in federal court July 20th, on charges of misuse of a passport and lying to Homeland Security Officials, he's likely to get significantly more cage-time than the 90-days Ms. Lohan received. Lohan behold, I believe Mr. Todie done found himself a SOUL-mate. "Todie went a-courtin', he did ride!"

A NEW YORK STATE OF MIND:

Speaking of New York, there was an interesting story in the NY Post recently, concerning the Education System in the Empire State. State school officials had promised to crack down on soft-test-grading to end the near-automatic advancement of students who REALLY were unprepared for promotion to the next grade. Personally, I had never heard of the phrase "soft-test-grading" until reading this, but as it turns out there's an even more peculiar name attached to the issue: HOLISTIC RUBRICS. That's apparently some New Age garbage-speak for
"NO CLUE HOW TO REALLY FIX THE PROBLEM." The newspaper found that grading guidelines had been relaxed, so that if you missed a test problem, you could at least get partial credit if you were "close." Among examples cited by the Post, from a 4th-grade math test:

How many inches long is a 2-foot-long skateboard?

Correct Answer: 24

But here's where insanity crept in. Students were given "half-credit" if they answered 48, I guess because both numbers are divisible by 2 and maybe you could multiply twice if you were shooting spitwads while trying to answer or something. Another question:

If you have 35 book boxes, and each contains 10 books, how many books are there in total?

Correct Answer: 350. But you still "earned" half-credit if you answered 150 or 250, because, well, I guess because at least you got the last 2 numbers right. However, if you were foolish enough to put down just 50 as your answer, it was ruled out for half-credit. In the words of a wise school official, "50 is just too far away numerically from being the real right answer."

So by New York school logic, if you had put 450 or 550 as your answer, wouldn't that entitle you to CREDIT-AND-A-HALF?!!

Top 10 Things The World Cup Taught Me

2010-07-13T14:40:00.003-04:00

I'm catching some flack for my comments on FUT-ball. Seems it really is the greatest game in the world, like brussel sprouts is the greatest vegetable and roadkill is the greatest source of free protein (and not half-bad with garlic mashed potatoes and a slice of pie). But in fairness, there are some things I learned from the World Cup.

1) Paraguay doesn't mean 2 Guays

2) Nobody does a fist pump or a V (peace sign) for victory. When players get excited, they either rip off their shirts, slide to their knees and cry, or they throw both arms in the air and look around at every human within eyeshot, with a "How can you do this to me?" look on their face. Neither option seems particularly manly. Brandy Chastain has done both and looked WAY better doing it.

3) Unlike the NFL, you never hear anyone chanting "DEE-Fense!" Good Golly Moses, if there's one thing this sport could not possibly handle, it's more defense.

4) Goalies have the hardest job in soccer: staying awake when they only face about a shot an hour. Makes you appreciate what NHL hockey goalies go through, by a mile.

5) Soccer uniforms have somehow found a way to make small men look smaller. We're used to tough-guy colors like silver-and-black of the Oakland Raiders. Steelers' black-and-gold. Yankee Pinstripes. Cool uniforms! I mean, these guys in the World Cup -- how tough can you look wearing pink, puce, lime or fluorescent orange? Those guys looked more like scoops of Italian Gelato than star athletes.

6) People in the stands don't give a rat's you-know-what about the game going on. It's very similar to going to a Carolina Panthers game, actually.

7) Some countries should be combined. Slovenia and Slovakia. Just make them Slovaknia. Paraguay, Uraguay, I'm-aguay, We're-all-aguay. Maybe I was right after all, they should combine the teams and call them 2 Guays (reminiscent of 5 Guays Pizza). Both Koreas should be made to play nice for a change, unite on the field, and if it takes making Kim Jung Il the coach, so be it.

8) When a "free kick" is called, nobody on either team has the slightest idea what to do. They jockey around endlessly, trying to form some kind of Rube Goldberg crooked line, pointing at each other while the goalie screams instructions that nobody listens to, and eventually somebody gets tired of it all and kicks the ball 50 yards out of bounds. FABULOUS!

9) No soccer analyst or commentator has ever, at any point in his life, smiled.

10) Shakespeare wrote "All the world's a stage" and with this being the largest and most visible stage possible, FIFA decided to do a live theatrical version of Plan 9 From Outer Space. Next time this Grand Event rolls around, you can find me tuned in to the Knitting Channel.

Kathy Myers, age 41 of Niles, Michigan recently found herself out of work and uninsured, like too many Americans out there. She had been suffering from an increasingly painful shoulder injury, but had been turned away from the emergency room time after time, because of her uninsured status and the condition itself not being considered life-threatening. At the end of June, and at the end of her rope, Ms. Myers took a gun and shot herself in the shoulder, hoping that would finally get her into the E.R. for treatment. Apparently she could have used some shooting lessons from the NRA, as her self-inflicted gunshot missed all major arteries and bones. She was briefly seen, but again sent home, this time with some bandages and antibacterial ointment, in more excruciating pain than before. Hopefully she won't try severing a limb, as she'd likely get a Monty Python and the Holy Grail response:

"It's only a flesh wound!"

Attention Good People Of The World -- Get A REAL Game!!

2010-07-12T11:03:00.002-04:00

Got me again. While I didn't have World Cup Fever, and in fact didn't even break a World Cup Sweat, I did try my best to follow the "action" this time. For the last time. Team USA was hype and hoax, the officiating was worse than the SOAP-OPERA ACTING of the players, and the culmination of it all was the World Cup Final. It was supposed to be the peak of everything good about "Fut-ball", but if you watched the fans in the stands, they weren't excited. They weren't filled with nervous anticipation. They were bored out of their minds, just like those of us at home who watched Le Grande Snooze-Fest, while trying to keep the volume low to avoid those insane vuvuzela sounds. You can take the worst Super Bowl in history, or the lousiest World Series or NBA Finals or virtually any other sport ever, and they'll look like The Wizard Of Oz In Technicolor compared to this horrendous unwatchable non-sport non-event. This is what you wait 4 years for? Zero goals for over 2 hours (over and over again, like so many of the matches). Sorry planet Earth, get a REAL game - this one is pathetic. I've blogged before about how you could "fix" this thing, but the way it stands now there are a few truths to be told.

1) You fooled me once, but I'm done. Forever.
2) Watching fishing on ESPN is more fun and exciting than Fut-ball.
3) You'll find better acting on NBC's "Chuck"
4) Soccer Refs and WWE Wrestling Refs are identical. "You say ONE MORE THING, and I'm gonna...you know...write your name down on this little yellow card, and tell the teacher when she comes back." Maybe it would be more entertaining if one of the players snuck up behind the Ref and hit him over the back of the head with a folding chair, and he could lay there pretending to be unconscious while the game goes on around him. Vince McMahon, where are you when we really need you?

According to an ESPN report, in the midst of the World Cup people may have missed Germany's win over Barbados, in the Woz Challenge Cup. This was an eight-team "polo" tournament, but with a twist. The players were not on horseback, but instead rode Segways. The sport is said to have been created by Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whose team the Silicon Valley Aftershocks competed again this year in Barbados, though in a losing effort. Wozniak told ESPN.com that his own polo skills are fading, but the San Jose Mercury News reported in May that Woz's fearlessness on the Segway seems hardly diminished. He's still one of the more feared competitors, if in fact ANY of the participants can be called "feared." The people of Barbados took things in stride, and when asked about the level of athleticism and the sporting skills of the participants, most enjoyed the motorized polo but described the athletes themselves as "nerdy, pudgy and pale."

After watching soccer, I'll give the Woz Cup a try next time!

The King James Version

2010-07-09T09:43:00.005-04:00

Biblically speaking, last night's decision turned the Cavaliers into a pillar of salt. LeBron James, former pillar of the community, has opted out of Cleveland for one simple reason, and I quote:

"Miami gives LeBron James the best chance to talk about LeBron James in the 3rd person, because most people there don't understand the language anyway."

Sorry big man, Ali you're not. And Elvis was the King. You may take over Miami as Archbishop or Archduke, but right now you're the arch-enemy to a lot of former fans. Your massive talent seems to only be eclipsed by your massive ego. For all the fans you gained last night, you lost a thousand-fold more. The LeBron James Comedy Hour proved to be as unwatchable as 8-hours of Super Bowl lead-in. Redundant, self-serving, and all in the name of stacking the deck (your opinion) against the league. People rooted for Mr. James in the past because he seemed like one of the good guys, but his self-interest in being bigger than the game and bigger than the average beat was pathetic. There's no "I" in Team, but there's no "LBJ" in Team either. Mark it down, the infighting will begin sooner rather than later. I suddenly find myself a huge fan of, eh, EVERY OTHER NBA TEAM! Correct that, I actually hate the NBA but now I have reason to watch if only to see Mr. Big slip from the mountaintop. Somewhere, P.T. Barnum is smiling.

A Canadian film-maker is trying for a new perspective in the movie business, trying to have a REAL eye for his subject matter. Rob Spence lost his right eye when he was 13 years old, in an accident playing with his grandfather's gun. The now 36-year-old Spence had the eye removed in 2005 after years of deterioration, and had a prosthetic inserted. Now he's replaced the prosthetic with a wireless video camera that runs on a tiny 3-volt battery. The camera has a wireless transmitter that allows him to transmit what he is seeing directly to a computer. It's reportedly a weak signal right now, but he's working on a stronger transmitter. Spence says he's hoping to use his camera eye to record "truer" conversations than what would be possible with a handheld camera. The only down-side he's experienced so far is that whenever he goes to speak, only two sentences come out:

"Where is John Connor?" and "I'll be baaaaack!"

Got Passports? HURRY!

2010-07-01T09:27:00.006-04:00

In case you have delayed getting a passport, you're just about to cost yourself a healthy chunk of change - unless you move NOW! Effective Tuesday July 13th, U.S. Passport fees are going up, and in some cases way up. The basic adult passport fee, when combined with the acceptance or processing fee, is going up to $135 for ages 16 and over (1st time passport holders). Renewals are going to $110 for an adult passport, and 1st time minor passports will be $105. Some people who travel a lot need additional pages for visa stamps, and previously the State Department would give you more pages free. BON VOYAGE, free pages! Now they'll still add pages to your passport for you, but there is a processing fee of $82. Talk about a whopping increase! Pessimists look at this and say "Well, I'm not paying it. I'll just stay closer to home where I don't need a passport." Personally, I think that's the wrong way to look at things.
Here's my take:

God created a BIG WORLD, and gave us the ability and resources to see it. One of my favorite sayings is "The world is a huge book. Those who do not travel get to see only one page." How true that is! Even if there are parts of the world that don't interest you, we are fortunate enough to have some great countries very close to us, with wonderful people, great food, sights to see, and the potential to broaden your personal horizons to make you a more complete person. The reason the State Department is raising the passport rates is so they can update anti-counterfeiting technology, and help pay for the expanding role of Homeland Security is allowing ALL OF US to live and travel as safely as humanly possible. Right now, you can still get a passport at the current rates, before the increase. Do it! Every other country in the world requires it, and as advanced as the US has been in some areas, we've been 3rd- or 4th-world when it comes to our own domestic security and background checks. Here's another thought for you pessimists: Even at the new price, $135 for a passport, that is still an unbelievable bargain to be able to travel anywhere you want. An adult passport is good for 10 years - so breaking that down, increasing National Security and allowing you to travel for the next DECADE is only going to cost you $13.50 per year. That's less than $1.13 per month. Are you kidding me? Get an empty coffee can. Instead of buying that Snickers bar at the 7/11 every morning, or if you cut out one Big Mac large combo meal per week, and drop that money into the coffee can, it will pay for itself in no time. We'll all be safer, you'll get to experience things you never dreamed of, and you'll be helping to add to the security of the United States even if only in a small way. Do your part and become a traveler. NOW!

Sponge Bob. Mount Everest. Space Shuttle.
We've all seen those 4-story giant "bouncy slides" at different amusement parks or playgrounds, where kids slide down into a sea of rubber cushions, and often into a sea of other kids. Hygienically, they've got to be a parent's worst nightmare, but kids love 'em! A new one in Switzerland is causing some controversy though. The 40 foot high slide is a replica of the ill-fated luxury liner Titanic, which sank on its maiden voyage in 1912, drowning 1,517 passengers and crew. Pictured on the slide is the crippled liner sinking, with its keel raised high in the air as if it is just about to disappear under the waves. Kids slide down into a bouncy, watery grave. FUN FOR YOU AND YOUR WHOLE DANG FAMILY! Nothing like playing in a graveyard, eh? The slide's owner defends it as a new innovation in slide art. "The Titanic accident happened years ago, and those emotions have been dealt with a long time ago. It's in the past. Now people are just having fun with it." I'm guessing his next project is Captain Quint's boat The Orca, from the movie Jaws. Kids can slide down into the waiting razor-sharp teeth of a Great White Shark, while smiling parents snap a few pics of the wholesome adventure...

Remember as a kid, on the back of comic books there were always ads for novelties, such as garlic-flavored gum, fake vomit, and the ever-popular X-Ray Specs? How many boys ordered those stupid plastic glasses, thinking they could see right through (insert whatever you were trying to see through here)? My guess is it was in the millions. But alas, the Special Spectacles had the visual penetrating power of, eh, 2 plastic lenses and a boy's vivid imagination, and that was about it. WORRY NO MORE, YOUNG MEN! Now you can have the REAL DEAL! At a recent auction, a set of 3 X-rays of Marilyn Monroe's chest and pelvis, taken on a trip to the hospital in 1954, sold for $45,000. The winning bid was 15 times the original estimate, when the memorabilia auction was held at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. No matter how old they get, I guess boys' imaginations are still on a level unmatched by any other species.

There's a MOUSE in my house (yeah, we know!)

2010-06-25T13:09:00.005-04:00

Some folks are Disneyholics. They visit there, honeymoon there, take their babies there, have family reunions there, all because of the Righteous Rodent his-own self. I'll admit, I've always had a soft spot for theme parks and thrill rides, but for me I can walk away without feeling a "Jones" in my veins. Not some folks. Nothing is enough. CONGRATULATIONS! Disney has something just for you!

It was just announced that Disney World in Orlando is planning to open the Golden Oaks community in 2011. And you can be part of it, for a mere $25,000 down. Is it some kind of hotel? Time Share? Nope - for the Disneyholic it's WAY better. Disney has set aside just under 1,000 acres of land to develop a luxury residential community of some 450 homes INSIDE DISNEY WORLD, which will range from about $1.5 million to $8 million apiece. That's right. Disney World no longer has to be your "home away from home" - it can really be your HOME! The initial design has the homes built to look like a Mediterranean village (minus, well - the Mediterranean). Residents will have a private clubhouse, a full-service spa...treatments not included, of course...concierge service, access to a golf course, and BIG MICE, DUCKS AND DOGS walking around nearby. Pretty much what every American family needs, don't you think? I know it's my dream. Even though this formula might not work for everyone, it should be perfect for rich people whose main goal in life is to see their daughter grow up to be, eh...Cinderalla?

Planet (Hollywood) Of The Apes?

Scientists in Switzerland have completed a study they claim proves that monkeys enjoy doing one of humans' favorite activities. The study, published in a Swiss online scientific journal, looked at the behavior of a 3-year-old male rhesus monkey, using technology to examine the blood flow of the monkey's brain when watching TV. The claim is that the monkey's frontal lobe became very active when watching a video of a circus elephant, giraffe and tiger performing. That activity is similar to what happens when a human baby sees its mother smile. Personally, I think the study is flawed. The monkey should have been made to sit through thousands of "coming up next" promos, an endless stream of Geico commercials, about 20 minutes of Fox News (if he could stomach it), some mixed martial arts and WWE wrestling on "Spike", a few dozen episodes of Dr. Phil, Oprah, South Park, Hell's Kitchen and Antiques Roadshow, and THEN measure his brain scan. If they did that, they'd receive a certain activity pattern, which would roughly translate into "Yow -- and I thought MY species was screwed up!"

A Wisconsin couple who met in Aisle 9 of the Copps Grocery Store in Wautoma last year, decided they would be married there this past week. Marty Czarnecki says he was working in the store's liquor aisle when Denise Irvine came in to buy wine. He said they just "got to talking" and one thing led do another. Ms. Irvine says she doesn't do anything traditional, so she really liked the idea of a grocery-store wedding. Members of the wedding party and invited guests shouted, "cleanup on Aisle 9" after toilet paper streamers flew through the air, over the newlyweds. When asked where the reception would be, the groom smiled and said "3 aisles over, in Bakery...of course."

The most important part of that story should not be overlooked -- they have a LIQUOR AISLE in the grocery stores in Wisconsin! Mable, where's my hat?!

The Excitement That Is Soccer

2010-06-23T08:34:00.008-04:00

Everybody's on the edge of their seats this morning, as the powerhouse Team USA tackles the pesky "Remember that time we scored a goal?" Algeria team. Quick: name any Algerian. Ever! Me neither, though that probably says more about our educational system than it does about the fame and fortune of the good people of Algeria. I know I'm supposed to have my face painted red-white-and-blue, and be all energetic, but soccer is its own beast and that beast has a hypnotic eye and a squalid breath that frankly puts me to sleep. The fact that soccer translates to TV with all the excitement of checkers or badminton, doesn't do it any favors either.

So how do you fix soccer? EASY-PEASY! Just let The Guru be in charge of the World Cup, and I'll make it all better and stuff.

Here's what you do: For you non-soccer-aficionados, there is a goalie (keep him or her). There are 2 forwards (keep them, but tell them to quit taking acting lessons from the WWE's Vince McMahon). Now we're getting somewhere. The issue with soccer is you have 4 midfielders and 4 defenders. Too many humans in one place to produce action. If the middle of the field is where you funnel action, the action is clogged with a hairball of players! Time for my Roto-Rooter solution. You emphasize to every player that there is NO LONGER ANY SUCH THING AS A TIE. Is there a tie at Wimbledon? The Super Bowl? The World Series? The Masters? No, because those are SPORTS, and SPORTS DON'T HAVE TIES for Heaven's sake. So again, you tell the players there are not going to be any more ties. If you guys can't settle the tally by the time 90 minutes are up, we're not going to go with that lame "shootout" that's in place. Nope. Ancient history, and it doesn't tell who is the better team at all. It only says who is better (luckier) at doing a point-blank shot. That's all.

Here's the BIG FIX: After 90 minutes, if there is a tie game, each team must remove a midfielder and a defender. 5 minutes are added to the clock. If neither team scores, you remove another midfielder and another defender. Another 5 minute period, and so on. Eventually, it would come down to a goalie and a forward for each team, until somebody scores. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just fixed soccer to the point that an American audience would not only tolerate it, they could get behind it!

You're welcome.

A woman from Portsmouth, England has an unusual way of marking every day of her life, but it's not quite a "Dear Diary" moment. Patti Gaal-Holmes has collected more than 32,000 used tea bags during her life, as a way of documenting her existence. The 44-year-old Gaal-Holmes says, "I adore drinking tea, and I save the teabags as a way of reminding me the differences between one day's experience and another." To save them, she dabs the used bag on some paper and then numbers it, noting who she drank tea with, and anything interesting they talked about. She then dries the bag in the sunshine or on a radiator, before storing it in one of three large suitcases. Patti notes there is a somewhat dusky smell to her apartment, but she finds it quite comforting. Her collecting quest began more than 11 years ago,and some of her used bags have been displayed at a local gallery.

I'm sure Ms. Gaal-Holmes also likes soccer just the way it is, but I say it's time to turn over a new tea leaf. Bag it, Patti.

An Alluring Secret!

2010-06-15T10:00:00.006-04:00

No, you haven't just stumbled onto a TMZ link, and you won't find salacious celebrity gossip on The Capn's blog. Sorry to disappoint. I just wanted to mention one of the best-kept travel secrets out there. Last year, Royal Caribbean brought a new mega-ship to market, the gigantic Oasis of the Seas. It was built and billed as "an experience" more than a cruise, and the reviews were loud and raving. Seems just about everyone loved Oasis of the Seas, and even though pricing was substantially higher than their other ships, customers couldn't get in line fast enough, and rates went through the roof. Guess what - they're still there! However, what has not been forefront in the press to this point is that Oasis has a new sister entering service this December, the Allure of the Seas. She's an exact duplicate of Oasis, taking everything great about her and moving it to the next level -- actually improving upon the original from all reports. Here's the rub. Oasis has the name recognition and the advertising history (including "live" appearances on board from some of the top National TV morning shows), to continue to command premium pricing. Yet the Allure is going to be all that and a bag of chips, but currently is pricing hundreds of dollars less than her big brother Oasis on some dates. What that means to you is it's BARGAIN TIME! You can currently book yourself on what will be the newest ship in the world, for much less than a ship that's been out for more than a year. The Allure is coming out the first week of December 2010, but if you want a deal you need to call and book now. I'll be happy to discuss it with you - just email or call me directly.

Prioritize!

PITTSBURGH (AP wire story) - Pittsburgh police are searching for a butterfingered robber, who got away with cigarettes and at least a little bit of money. Police said the man robbed the Uni-Mart in Pittsburgh's Troy Hill section about 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. The man wore a ski mask and ball cap, and pointed a handgun at a clerk who gave him all the money in the register - a total of $66. The man then shouted "Gimme some cigarettes" and the clerk quickly handed him a fistful, which turned out to be 7 packs. Detectives reviewed surveillance video Monday, and said the man was so intent on collecting the smokes he wasn't paying attention to the cash, dropping bills here and there. After he fled the scene, the store clerk and a customer who had been in the store at the time of the robbery picked up the loot that was left behind. $65 worth to be exact. The thief was so intent on getting his cigarettes he had dropped all but $1 of the stolen bounty from the cash drawer. Authorities did not hint at any immediate arrests in the robbery, saying it would be unlikely to track the missing $1 bill as part of a "spending spree". The rest of the evidence against the perpetrator? Well, it's probably gone up in smoke.

I said PRIORITIZE!

Police in Ocala, Florida are searching for a burglar who stole a box of cookies from a discount store. Police said the thief could clearly be seen on-camera taking a box of Oreo Cakesters from the Dollar General store. The cookies have a suggested retail value at $2.50. Surveillance footage shows the man actually breaking a glass door to get into the store, only to take the box of sweet treats and nothing else. According to the Ocala Star-Banner, the same store was targeted by a burglar matching the same description last February. In that incident, he made off with a box of Little Debbie Iced Oatmeal Cakes.

Your Tax Dollars At Work:
Part MMMDCXXXVIII

An attorney in Miami could not visit her client at a South Florida detention center last week, because of the undergarment she was wearing. The attorney said her under-wire bra set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center, and guards would not let the woman in because she would set off the prison alarms. According to The Miami Herald, the attorney did the only thing she could think of, as she had a pressing need to get a deposition for an upcoming court case with her client. She excused herself to the ladies' restroom, where she removed the offending undergarment. She then got back in line for the metal detector to enter the detention center. This time, the super-efficient guards refused to let her inside because of a long-standing directive from prison officials: "All female visitors must be wearing a bra." Apparently her objections were overruled, and she left the facility without ever coming abreast of her client for the deposition.

World Cup Fever? Don't take Ibuprofen!

2010-06-14T09:31:00.003-04:00

The World Cup is all abuzz in South Africa. And that seems to be a major hurdle in Americans getting behind this international event. Every time you turn on a "futbol" match, you hear this horrendous buzzing noise that sounds like a swarm of killer bees has invaded your TV. But it's not bees, and it's not really buzzing, it's vuvuzelas. Huh? Vuvuzela may sound like a body part of some sort, but it's actually a super-annoying plastic horn, the equivalent of running a kazoo through a stack of Marshall amplifiers. It would be one thing to blow them for 5 minutes when a goal is scored. Or to voice disapproval over a bad call by the umpire or referee or linesman or whatever you call those guys. No, the apparent purpose of a vuvuzela is to blow it and maintain the loudest, most constant shrill call you can produce, until you either die or someone says "Hey, they turned out the lights.....I think it's time to go home." You want local flavor, this is it. That is, if you want the local flavor to be burned cauliflower soaked in turpentine. Mmm-Mmm Good! ESPN even has their professional sound engineers trying to modify broadcasts by blocking a certain frequency that the vuvuzela produces, but with little or no result. Just like a kazoo, the harder you blow the sound tends to go up or down, not remaining at a constant drone that could be "bleeped" electronically. So as long as this tournament goes on, get used to that bee-like buzz riding squarely between your eyebrows in the center of what's left of your brain. Still, you have to love a sport that pits superpowers like Brazil and Spain against countries the size of a K-Mart and its parking lot, with names no one can pronounce accurately, all in the name of good sport. Over the weekend, I actually gave it the old college try, watching pre-game analysis with some experts in the field who were hyping things up. In particular, they were talking about the ultra-aggressive Argentinian squad built solely on offense, going against the incredibly-gifted athletes of Nigeria. One expert was saying, "These teams are offensive juggernauts, and their potential to fill the net is almost unrivaled during this World Cup.....I fully expect TWO GOALS." That's not 2 apiece, he was saying these guys were so potent at scoring, he expected a TOTAL of 2 goals for the match. The other analyst chimed in, "Yes - there should be fireworks aplenty!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Hey guys - did you know in the NBA Finals they're scoring 50-60 points per quarter? Times 4? Say what you want about athleticism and defense, I'm a huge sports fan, but in a nutshell I can wrap up my World Cup feelings in 4 words: I don't get it. Turns out, the experts were only half right, with the final score being a whopping 1 for Argentina, and 0 (or "nil") for poor Nigeria. Personally, until they figure out a way to increase scoring, or even more importantly stop allowing games to end in a tie which Americans HATE, this sport is doomed to kids on local Saturday morning soccer fields in the USA, and the mini-van Moms that brought them.

Here's my suggestion for increasing scoring, where you wouldn't need some sort of bogus shootout at the end. Just take some players off the field, and allow much more freedom of substitution. If you had about 2-3 fewer players per side (my suggestion is 2), it would dramatically open up the field, making for more 1-on-1 plays and a whole lot more scoring. Then you'd have something. Kind of. You still have to get rid of the guys over-acting like WWE professional wrestlers, every time someone gets within 5 yards of them. Seeing some guy carried off on a stretcher, only to come back into the match a minute later, is not heroic. It's embarrassing. I'll stick with my plain old NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL for now. All you FIFA guys work on it and get back to me.

It was reported this week that a 3-year-old girl from China has reportedly been smoking and drinking ever since she was in a car accident when she was 2. Ya Wen's mother says Ya was knocked down by a speeding van and was taken to a hospital, where she was in a coma for a week. Ya wasn't fully recovered for several months, but one day after returning home, her mother found her secretly smoking cigarettes she had stolen from her father. After talking to Ya about it, she also found out the little girl had been addicted to cigarettes for about a year, and had also begun drinking. "Three glasses of beer is no problem for her," Ya's mom says. Doctors can't tell why Ya had suddenly developed the habits of a late-teenager, but say the head injuries she suffered in the accident may be to blame. No mention was made of either Ya's mother or father being Chinese Parent Of The Year candidates.

NOT at your local Dairy Queen:

Oh those Brits. If it's not big fuzzy hats on the Buckingham Palace guards, it's catastrophic oil spills on our pristine beaches. What can they think of next? This summer across the U.K, there is a new flavor of ice cream being promoted as the next big thing. Fish-and-chips flavored ice cream is coming to a pub near you. The unique flavor involves creamed cod-flavored ice cream coated in a vanilla-and-pepper batter, accompanied with potato ice cream chips made with Maris Piper potatoes. The entire dairy treat is served with salt, vinegar and lemon wedges.
Do these guys know how to party or what? I'm guessing they other traditional flavors such as kidney or tripe were less appetizing than creamed cod. Question: Did the British run out of chocolate or something? Maybe anything sounds good after a dozen warm dark ales on a Saturday night outing with the lads....

Greece Is The Word

2010-05-06T15:26:00.003-04:00

Watching the stock market today, the only words that come to mind are compliments of Hank Hill, "What the Hell?" Insiders who know how these knee-jerk things work probably got rich or richer between 2pm and 4pm today. Panic mode drove the market South by nearly 1,000 points, and within a couple of hours it was 2/3 of the way back to par. All this because Greece can't get its political act together, and the shockwaves cross the Atlantic like a tsunami. Makes me want to swear off Feta Cheese in an effort to say "So there!" Hopefully everybody will unwad their undergarments, and get back to working to make this a better world. Just about everyone alive has witnessed some sort of European political crisis of some sort, whether it's Italy this week or France or Greece the next, and things always have a way of working themselves out. Maybe not without some pain, but days like today are more likely to be buying opportunities than selling. Unless the Earth is coming to an end by around 5pm, when you see stocks like Apple drop 12-15 points, that's a welcome mat to buy more. IPods, IPhones, IPads, and IAnythings are not going away - they're the way of the world, my peeps. Get on that train and ride. Even though stocks are mostly Greek to me, Greece is the word (is the word, is the word) today for making some wise market moves.

After the recent situation in New York's Times Square, the U.S. Gub'Ment has ordered airlines to update their no-fly lists within 2 hours of a new information release. I heard that, and immediately thought "it's about time." Then, after cocking my head to the side like a Labrador Retriever who thinks he just heard a whistle and does that mean dinner or is my owner going to give me a bath, I thought...."wait a darn minute." We're allowing the AIRLINES to check the no-fly lists? The same airlines who are so hurting for money they'll do almost anything to fill seats on their planes? Those airlines? The same ones who have been known for bureaucratic ineptitude that makes the Federal Gub'Ment look like finely-tuned Chinese acrobats? Those airlines? Well, I've never been a proponent of big government in general, but sometimes when it comes to National Security, you have to take the sharp objects away from the parties-most-likely-to-puncture-themselves and stand guard yourself. I'd have no problem if my tax dollars went towards more supervision of flight lists and who's on 'em, as opposed to building monuments or paying farmers NOT to grow Crop A or B. Seriously, airlines can no more police themselves, and in turn YOU AND ME, than they can figure out how to earn a profit in their business without bringing up things like charging money for carry-ons. It's all about cutting corners wtih most of them, and when lives are in the balance, I'm going to cast my vote for a government big enough to accept this kind of challenge.

Remember the Disney movie, "All Dogs Go To Heaven?" Yeah, me neither but SOMEBODY out there must have watched it. In fact, it's apparently inspired the faithful in the small town of Danvers, Massachusetts. Calvary Episcopal Church in Danvers will later this month offer its first Perfect Paws Pet Ministry, aimed at giving area dogs and their owners improved odds at getting into Heaven. The church plans to hold a service for dogs, on the 3rd Sunday every month, complete with communion for their human counterparts and special blessings for Fido and friends. Instead of communion wafers, dogs will get special treats. Church officials have said all well-mannered, leashed dogs are invited. People can pre-submit a prayer on paper, if their pets are sick, or if they require better temperment around other dogs, or if the family pup has become, how you say, deceased. Prayers can also be offered for other types of pets, though emphasis will be on living up to the Canine Commandments. I'm pretty sure #1 is "Thou shalt not leave anything on the carpet....bad doggie" (more or less). Somehow, I'm picturing a French Poodle at a New England Patriots game, with the top of his hair colored to look like a rainbow wig, holding up a sign saying "Jaques 3:13"

Pantyhose Shortage?

Cops in Nebraska are searching for a man who robbed a shop-owner with a knife earlier this week. Apparently the man was desperate - he either couldn't find, or couldn't afford a real bad-guy type mask. Not even the .99cent Halloween type like cheap plastic Sponge Bob. Not even a pair pantyhose, new or used. The thief came into the business right at closing time, wielding a knife wildly, his head completely wrapped in toilet paper except for an eye-hole and a small opening to speak. He probably appeared to be closer to The Unknown Comic than Al Capone at that moment, but he demanded money and was able to escape with an unspecified amount. A police sniffer dog tried to track the suspect, but was only able to discover a trail of toilet paper sheets that eventually ended. Is it just me, or is there some comedy in having a sniffer dog follow a trail of toilet paper? "Sarge, I think he's got something over here - eh, no maybe not. I believe he just discovered where Jake's cows have been meditating after filling up on corn meal...."

My Name Is Oil...

2010-05-04T13:49:00.009-04:00

I know I've been away from my blog for a while, but that's a good thing. Business is UP and I've been too busy to sit down and write my normal drivel - I mean thoughtful prose on travel and the World as I see it. However, today's announcement of impending doom by Princess Cruises got me back in the saddle. Like the debacle of a few years ago, Princess is the first cruise line to institute a new FUEL SUPPLEMENT starting May 10th, for new cruise bookings. They've come up with the magically-delicious formula of $3.85 per person per day. Say what? I know the cost of fuel is eating into cruise line profits, but if you're going to add a supplement, why not make it something easy to remember or explain to people? Something that makes sense like a flat $4.00, or maybe a figure like $3.50 that becomes an even number ($7.00) when you quote double occupancy. $ 3.85 just sounds like something they pulled out of a hat, in an effort to get just a little further under my skin. CONGRATULATIONS - it worked! This on top of Celebrity Cruises' announcement that they are going to have 4 different "drink plan" options on board their ships effective immediately. There will be a soft drink/coffee/juice/water plan clients can purchase, or an upgraded plan that includes name brand flavored waters, energy drinks and smoothies, or another plan that includes some beers, wines and cheaper drinks, and finally the premium plan that includes high-end drinks, beers and wines up to $12 per serving.

Oh goodie. Just a handful of years ago I was on a cruise and purchased the soft drink/juice plan and it was around $26 for the entire 7 night cruise. These new plans start at about $15 per person PER DAY (that's $105 for a 7-night cruise each person), and work their way up to over $56 per person per day for premium levels. That may be fine for the hardest-partying among us, but Joe Average (and his wife Jane) will be tempted to drink more than they ever would back home, in an effort to at least break even....if not get better-than-normal return for their buck on the package. Yes I'm old and yes I'm jaded and yes I can probably drink most of you under the Poop Deck, but when all-inclusive resorts are cutting deep into cruise lines' market share, it strikes me as particularly lousy timing to try to show how LESS inclusive modern cruises are by comparison. It's changing the way I look at the industry as a whole, and is certainly affecting how I make vacation suggestions to clients. As Mr. T would say, "I pity the fuel.....supplement...."

Speaking of oil, and who isn't these days, BP has decided to reclaim the Gulf of Mexico for Great Britain, 1 endangered species at a time. So far, the cruise industry has been unaffected or only slightly so, and it's a bit of a wait-and-see on how it's going to affect the tourism of some of the United States' finest beaches, even though most people don't know how sugar-white the sand is along Alabama and the Florida panhandle. I'm not sure why any jut of land is called a panhandle, particularly when they're large and square or long and jagged. Every handle of a pan I've ever held was smooth and black and usually said "Made In China" on the underside, but I digress. On a serious tone (I always hate to use the word sober, being a man of the drink), future generations of Americans are going to miss things we take for granted, such as fresh water and living creatures, if somebody doesn't get a grip on the influence of Big Oil. Corruption is virtually assumed of Congress and the back-slapping buddy system that's been in place since your Grandpappy's Grandpappy's day. This ain't the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but it's high time (thank you Cheech & Chong) to look at more than filling SUV's with unlimited supplies of a limited, polluting material. Wake up and smell the petroleum, America. It's coming to get you and it's coming fast.

An 82-year-old man from India, Prahlad Jani, claims he has lived for the last 70 years without any food or drink. Jani says he left home when he was seven, and has lived as a wandering holy man, who can live on breath and spiritual life force alone. He claims he is sustained by a goddess who pours an "elixir" through a hole in his palate. Jani is now being studied by Indian military experts, who believe he could teach soldiers or disaster victims how to survive longer without food or drink. One spokesman said, "If Jani's claims are verified, it will truly be a breakthrough in medical science." Another unnamed spokesman said, "The guy weighs 3/4 of an ounce - I thought he was a talking piece of dust. If his claims are verified, he must be famished!" Jani was last seen carrying a half-dozen pizza boxes down an alley, to which he said "No, no, these are empties. I'm just helping my friend clean his porch...."

Going Up? Why, YES!

2010-03-12T09:48:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, but the first quarter of the year is like the Super Bowl in the travel business. It's just been too busy, and in fact the business has been coming in at unprecedented levels. Yes, I know there's still unemployment and issues and all that jazz, but Americans are SICK AND TIRED of staying home! Now that the stock market has recovered from its lows of the past year or two, people are on the move. And so is the price of oil, coming back up into the $80+ dollar-a-barrel level in the last few days. I think the cruise lines learned a valuable lesson a couple of years ago, with the debacle of adding a fuel supplement, then adjusting it, then having to remove it, etc. What an insane dance that was! But when fuel cost, which is one of their biggest expenses, hits these levels they can't just sit back and watch their bottom line erode. For that reason, virtually all the cruise lines are raising their rates across the board, and some have even set specific dates! Carnival is the earliest, with a March 22nd deadline before the increase. If you book between now and March 19th, you can still enjoy their best Summer prices, but if you wait through the weekend and call on Monday, expect prices to go up at least 5%. That's every category, every ship and every itinerary for Summer 2010 sailings on Carnival! Norwegian cruise line is raising rates even further, an estimated 7%, while some premium lines are saying it will be up to 10%. That may not sound like a huge hit, but for a family of 4 that can add up to hundreds of dollars just because you procrastinated! Our advice is to pick up the phone and call NOW for your best Summer pricing. People who say "I'll just wait until they have open cabins at the end and have to give it away." There is a term for that kind of thinking: MYTHOLOGY. Forget what you hear on the news about the economy, people are traveling and these ships are all going out 100% full, and they're selling out way in advance. If you wait, you'll either pay more or be staying home cutting the grass. End of story. Don't be Mr. Smart Guy who outwits the system. This isn't Survivor, where you can outwit or outlast the cruise lines. They're bigger than you. They have highly-paid teams who set price points at levels where they know they are going to sell out, and last-minute cheap availability during the Summer simply doesn't exist. Supply and Demand 101. Once schools let out, families, teachers, professors, school administrators and staff ALL OVER THE COUNTRY are now free to travel. The supply is finite, not infinite, and demand is 5-10 times normal. That's the math. So grab that phone and call me today!

Catholics. Protestants. Jews. Muslims. Buddhists. I thought I had heard of just about all religions at some point, but according to Miami Police, there's a new show in town. Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion (not identified by name) said they were told to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail. Federal authorities raided the Miami man's home, after receiving complaints that many people were violently sickened. The man has not been criminally charged, but prosecutors and State and Federal wildlife agencies are investigating. The Giant African Snail is prohibited in the U.S. without special approval since experts said it devastates new ecosystems. The snail can grow up to 10 inches long, can reproduce on its own and even can even eat plaster. The unidentified "priest" said he meant no harm, and his religion uses the snails in healing ceremonies. His followers say besides getting violently ill, they lost weight and developed strange lumps in their stomachs. Here are my questions: Who on EARTH is following this guy? And why? Isn't it easier to become a devotee of American Idol or something, where you're not having to ingest snail mucus, or at least it's optional if you disagree with Simon? Who knew snails have noses and sinus congestion in the first place? I guess when they get congested they have to go to a snail specialist. I can just picture the Doctor now, reaching under the slug and saying "Cough."

If You MUST Commit A Crime, Plan Better!

Authorities in Riverside County California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market earlier this week. The Sheriff's Department's spokesperson says the woman was armed with a semi-automatic pistol, when she arrived at the La Chicanita Market, in the town of Thermal on Tuesday afternoon. Deputy Herlinda Valenzuela says the woman confronted 10 customers in the store, and also demanded money from a person who was entering the market just as she was leaving. No one was injured in the brazen robbery, but authorities added up the combined take from the 11 customers, and concluded the suspect got away with just over $6.

NY Cheese? Yeah, I'll stick with Wisconsin....

The New York Post has recently run a story about a chef and his wife, who are using her breast milk to make cheese, while answering criticism that the human dairy product is unsafe. Lori Mason said, "I eat healthier than your average cow, and I'm not pumped full of steroids!" Mason co-owns Klee Brasserie in New York with her chef husband, Daniel Angerer. While the cheese is not technically against any current health codes, City officials have advised diners to take a pass on general ethical reasons. Several curious people showed up at the couple's restaurant after the story ran, just to try a sample. A New York City cheese shop owner gave his own review: "It was slippery, slightly crunchy and tasted like pickles." Mmmmmm. Can I get that on a burger to go please? Sounds titillating!

A Fascination With Balconies

2010-02-03T13:07:00.002-05:00

People who like to cruise seem to have a "thing" for having their own private verandah. It's their little patch of fresh air, stepping out of their cabin enclosure, through the floor-to-ceiling sliding glass window/door, to watch the world go by. Ahhhhhh! It's their personal seat in the lap of luxury. While some people say you don't spend enough time in your cabin to warrant paying extra for a balcony cabin, you can bet that 90+% of those folks have never had a balcony and are only speaking from envy or ignorance. Cruise ship cabins are always dramatically smaller than hotel rooms, and even with a porthole or window those 4 walls tend to become claustrophobic. Plus just like on an airplane, you are breathing somewhat recycled air throughout your cruise. Not so if you have a verandah! Grand views. Fresh air. The freedom to break out from that closed-in feeling some people experience.

In the olden days, shipmakers built entire vessels with just interior or ocean view rooms. Years later, they added balconies in the suite categories, but since there were so few of those type cabins on board, people paid a dramatic premium to travel in them. Sometimes double or even triple a normal cabin rate. Then a light bulb went off. The designers realized they didn't have to make larger, more opulent cabins and suites as the only way to have this extra perk. They started designing ships with 30% balconies. Then 40%. Now there are ships that are 100% balconies. By eliminating many or most of the standard oceanview rooms and replacing them with same-sized cabins that have private balconies, the cruise lines have made their ships more desirable. And in many cases, without raising the rates more than a couple of hundred dollars.

Carnival, the world's most popular cruise line, has a new answer to this fascination with balconies. They now have the Fascination, with balconies! Their ship Carnival Fascination was a carbon-copy of the ultra-popular Fantasy class of ships, originally built only with balconies in the suite categories. But she has just come out of dry-dock, completely refurbished and now with almost 100 new balconies for sale. The ship also has a new Serenity adults-only area, upgraded pools and water park activities, and much more. Carnival Fascination sails roundtrip from Jacksonville Florida, doing a series of 4-night and 5-night cruises to the Bahamas, all within easy driving range of the Carolinas and other Southern states. If you've never experienced a balcony stateroom, this is a great inexpensive entry-level way to try it. I've always got discount rates available on Carnival Fascination, so call me and let's get you on board today!

You've heard of Senior Citizen discounts? Military or Police or Firefighter specials? How about Mexican hairless?! According to a KOTV report in Tulsa, Oklahoma the "Arizona Mexican Restaurant" decided to take discounts to a new level. Every Tuesday at the Arizona, men with dramatically-receding hairlines now get 10% off. Men who have progressed further, with just a few tufts and wafts of plumage on their noggins get 20% off. And for those complete Chrome Domes, it's 30% off every Tuesday. The owners of the restaurant were looking for a way to increase business on what's normally an off-night, and hit on the idea by accident. But is has proven to be a big success. What's next, I wonder? Muscle-Man Mondays? Wide-Load Wednesdays? The possibilities are endless.

A British woman opening a box of eggs was left shell-shocked, after beating odds of more than a trillion-to-one by finding six double-yolked eggs in the same half-dozen carton. An egg expert says the odds of getting just 1 double-yolked egg in a half dozen box is about 1/1,000. So the chances of getting all six with double-yolks is more than 1/1,000,000,000,000,000. The same expert says that double-yolk eggs are more common among younger hens, so all the eggs probably came from one location. The "Octo-Hen," as the chicken is being dubbed, is now in great demand for American morning TV shows. Rumors say the Enquirer is trying to get a photospread of the Egg-Bearing-Mama in a red swimsuit for their next cover, touting the "Miracle Diet of Grains, Corn Husks, Bits Of Fruit and Small Insects."

Another story from not-so-Great Britain: Remember when you were a student? Money was always tight, and you had to be careful not to overspend and accidentally short your bank account? Imagine the surprise of a UK college student, when he went on line to check his statement, only to find out he was over-drawn. By $161-billion British Pounds! His account, which rarely had more than $50 British Pounds in it, showed 2 separate withdrawals of roughly $80 billion each. The bank has admitted it was an internal technical error to blame, and has offered the student $40 Pounds in compensation for the phone calls, time and efforts he had to make to resolve the error. The student however is hoping for significantly more, because of all the stress and mental hardship he was put under. At least, that's what his attorney says. Plus all that stress and mental cruelty is a great excuse for getting out of that stinkin' Chemistry exam on Friday....

Grammy Can You Hear Me?

2010-02-01T13:10:00.006-05:00

I remember The Grammys. It used to be a show rewarding excellence in various musical fields. Then one day, not sure exactly when, it became a Homecoming Queen pageant. Popularity contest. And with the advent of terms like "cross-over artist" it now allows a single artist to win multiple categories, whether or not they were the best representation of that genre. I can't even bring myself to watch it these days, as you know up-front who's taking home the hardware and who will lip-sync their way through a production number that would make Vegas say "too extravagent!" This year, it was the Beyonce/Taylor Swift show. Starring Jennifer Lopez as Beyonce, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt as Taylor Swift. Last night's theme? 1 Grammy for each hand, a couple under each arm, 1 or 2 in your purse, and use your imagination after that. This was not a celebration of music and its diversity. It was a celebration of Beyonce, Taylor Swift and the power and influence of their record labels and the watering down of American taste. How else do you explain the likes of Lady Gaga? Ever?

I didn't want to waste an entire day searching for the birth of this Homecoming Queen syndrome, but at random I pulled up 1987. Big Hair Sunday I think it was. People laugh at the 80's (and rightfully so), but music was still music, holding on for dear life against the onslaught of worthlessness. The first thing that hit me was the fantastic diversity compared to what we have today! Take a look at this list:

Album of the Year...............Graceland (Paul Simon)
Record of the Year..............Higher Love (Steve Winwood)
Song of the Year..................That's What Friends Are For
New Artist of the Year.......Bruce Hornsby and The Range
Best Pop Vocal.....................The Broadway Album (Barbara Streisand)
Best R&B Vocal....................Rapture (Anita Baker)
Best R&B (male)..................Living In America (James Brown)
Best R&B Group..................Prince and The Revolution
Best Country Vocal..............Whoever's In New England (Reba McEntire)
Best Country (male)............Lost In The 50's Tonight (Ronnie Milsap)
Best Country Group............Grandpa (The Judds)
Best Rock Vocal....................Back Where You Started (Tina Turner)
Best Rock (male)..................Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer)
Best Rock Group..................Missionary Man (Eurythmics)

Pretty easy to see the difference between 1987 and the dog-and-pony-ballet they put on last night? Back in the day, everyone was rewarded for excellence in their style. Now it's all about....eh....nothing. Politics. Influence. Don't get me wrong, Beyonce is very talented, as is Taylor Swift. But at what point did these 2 ladies take over all music known to Mankind? It kind of makes watching The Grammys about a half-notch more palatable than watching C-SPAN when the cameras are focused on people sleeping in the Senate chamber (which would be virtually any day of the week, or so I'm told). So what's my solution? WARNING! WARNING! I DON'T HAVE ONE! The American public created this monster, and it'll never change until they wake up and realize that breakfast is a whole lot better with bacon, blueberry pancakes, crispy hash-browns and fresh-squeezed OJ to go with your eggs, than a breakfast of eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, and a hard-boiled egg thrown in for texture. I can hear the Vikings of Monty Python...."Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, glorious SPAAAAAM!!"

This morning while looking over hot travel destinations, I came across an article telling people to head to Arlington, Texas. That's a suburb of Dallas, where baseball's Texas Rangers play. Nice town. Pretty clean overall. But it's the new tourist attraction that's rattling the chains, begging you to come to Arlington. New Dallas Cowboys stadium? That's nice too, but no. Some kind of Six Flags attraction? Already have one. And it's in Arlington. But you're close! It's actually right outside of Six Flags. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Texas's own: BOWLING MUSEUM! Some of the astute among you, particularly the bowlers, might be saying "Hey wait a doggone minute, Cap'n -- the Bowling Museum is in St. Louis!" Well, not any more. It was SO popular, they closed it down. Moved it to Arlington. I'm sure it's fascinating to see how bowling goes back 5,000 years to when people enjoyed knocking things over with other things. But that's not why people would go to the Bowling Museum, now is it? Nope. They'll go because they want to see Don Weber's shirt, or Earl Anthony's ball-bag. They want to see video of the heyday of bowling. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Wiggling 1o-pin....ooooooohhhh, IT FELL! Strike! OK, you get the picture. Unlike the Pro Football Hall of Fame, where you can see video of the greats of yester'year breaking tackles, and hitting and throwing and catching and tackling and what-all-else, in bowling it's Strikes. Lots of 'em. You didn't drive all the way to Arlington with the kids in the back crying to see Spares did you? Or Washouts? Or Witch's Teeth? No, you came to see Strikes a-plenty. Though if admission is more than a buck apiece you're probably over-paying for this thrill ride. Must have been a slow news day on CNN for this to be a story in the first place. Then again, it's what I thrive on!

You know how some folks always have excuses for their misery? Case in point, one John Stephens from Floyd County, Indiana. Mr. Stephens is an ex-con, who appeared before a parole Judge in December, saying he had a full-time job and intended to turn his life around. However, within the week he slipped-up and tried unsuccessfully to rob the local "Your Community Bank." His excuse to the Judge, when brought back before him? "If I hadn't been watching the news all the time, seeing other successful bank robberies," he said, "I wouldn't have been tempted like I was. The dang Media is responsible for this, Your Honor." He went on to say he had been especially impressed by one serial robber, who had made it look easy by vaulting over banks' counters like Batman. The Judge, thankfully, has place Mr. Stephens back in The Hole. Lead us not into temptation....

The best laid plans:

Recently, Leaders of the world and Heads-of-State converged on Copenhagen, Denmark, to conduct a Climate Summit on how we can all live cleaner, greener lives as a Planet community. Great thought, until they put things into action. While Copenhagen is normally one of the "greenest" cities in the world, during the 11-day Climate Summit the city was subjected to an additional 41,000 tons of carbon-dioxide-equivalent being released into the local atmosphere. Some 15,000 delegates and attendees required 2,000 limousines (only five of which were electric or hybrid), and the world's biggest A-Listers arrived and departed in over 140 private jets, some of which had to be moved each night to Sweden, because of the effect on airport congestion. Next time, maybe everybody should meet in New York's Central Park. Ride your bikes in. Bring a sandwich, and don't forget a beach towel big enough for yourself and your entourage. Maybe Beyonce or Taylor Swift will get up and sing you something.

Republican? Democrat? NO - I'm an AMERICAN!

2010-01-28T12:34:00.004-05:00

Last night, Prez O gave us his State of the Union address. As with all of these addresses, there is a near-constant barrage of unwarranted and unnecessary applause, followed by some people standing and others starting to before saying "to hell with it". It always reminds me of a group of uncoordinated people at a sporting event trying to do The Wave, but failing miserably. I'm pretty confident that if you took all that posturing out, we could get through a State of the Union in about 18 minutes, and still have time to catch the 2nd half of Law & Order SVU. I think they should have a Law & Order SUV, where Elliot and Liv are busting people for texting while driving their Nissan Muranos, but maybe that's just me. Anyway, back to politics. American politics no longer exist. No, you read that correctly. American politics no longer exist. They have been replaced by Republican politics, Democratic politics, Corporate politics and all of them are about as filthy and un-American as any of us ever imagined they could be. Bring back Boss Tweed! (for you younger viewers who think that's a cartoon character, just Google it up like you do everything else). I'm not going to take sides in the debacle that is our existing political system, but I will say it's fallen, and it can't get up. I'm 58 years old, and have never been EMBARRASSED to be an American before, but I've just about reached that point. Whether you like Prez O or not, he hit one thing on the head last night. Every day has become election day in Washington. Alert the Media! Disrespect the other guy's opinion, whether what you're saying is true or not! And for Heaven's sake don't worry about We The People! You've formed your own perfect union, excluding everything and everybody outside the Beltway of D.C. It's absolutely pathetic to see nothing moving forward. Right now, when America needs its Representatives the most, they have become the House Of Horrors and the SayNot Senate. Here's a thought. Why don't we all go to the polls in November, and kick all of them out? EVERY LAST ONE that's up for re-election, regardless of party or affiliation. You're probably thinking, "We can't do that, because that would leave us with a bunch of new people who don't know what they're doing." Possibly true. But which is worse? Someone with high ideals and a creative mind but no experience, or someone who knows exactly what they're doing, and refuses to do it anyway!? Inaction is not a position. Inaction is not politics. Inaction is a desecration of the values and goals the Founding Fathers of the United States set forth for all future generations. Having new people in office literally cannot be worse than re-electing the same jaded cronies, who glad-hand each other over cigars in the back room while America suffers. Here's what these pseudo-Representatives fail to see. Right now, when their kids study History in school, they read about Jefferson. Washington. Lincoln. Governor Robert Moran Jr. and Frances Perkins (Who the heck are those last 2?). My point exactly. Sometimes in our history it's about being the Leader of the free world. Other times, it's about being leaders of free will. It's about being a part of something greater than you and your back-room cigar. It's about the American people and BEING an American yourself. While you might not recognize the names Robert Moran Jr. and Frances Perkins, they helped draft and enact the Social Security Act of 1935. At the time, it was a huge controversy, just like health care is today. Some historians even claim it created a year-long "Roosevelt Recession" in 1937-38. But you know what? Time has answered all critics. Time has proven that the people who crossed party lines to do the right thing were rewarded. Maybe not in fame. Maybe not in extra dollars in their pocket, or bigger and fatter cigars. But they were rewarded by having a thankful American public, then and forever moving forward. We as a culture value older people, and this law made sure they each will have a foundation to live on, after they retire from the workforce. The wrangling and finger-pointing and mock-and-block that is Washington D.C. today is a far cry from the brave people who stepped up in previous generations. Many in the House and Senate are from my generation now. The 60's generation. I'm embarrassed. "C'mon people now, smile on your Brother, everybody get together try to love one another right now." Sort of rings hollow now, doesn't it? Power corrupts. Money corrupts even more if that's possible. So what do you say? Can't we throw 'em all out in November? If it were possible, I'd like to throw 'em all out this week. Start fresh on Monday. IT COULDN'T BE ANY WORSE. Lucky for them I've got neither power nor money, or I'd flash it like Thor's hammer to knock some sense into these Tales-From-The-Crypt-looking windbags.

Afghan Super Bowl?

Afghanistan's national game is called Buzkashi. Afghans are attempting a marketing transformation of their "sport", inspired by pro football's and basketball's growth in the United States, according to a USA Today article. The main hindrance to their marketing strategy is the game itself - buzkashi is often little more than violent anarchy. Here's how it goes down:

A team of 12 men on horseback tries to carry a goat carcass the length of a field, around a goal and back, through an opposing team defense. The "defense" basically includes almost any tactic short of murder. Spectators are often trampled by riders disregarding boundaries, and horses have dropped dead on the field from abuse or fatigue. The head of the Buzkashi Federation said he aims to present the game for consideration to the International Olympic Committee. Wait a minute. Doesn't this game sound familiar? I'm pretty sure Manchester United is the current champion....

Recently, lawyers for the world-famous Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts in New York City threatened litigation against Lincoln County, Mississippi. Seems the Town Council in Lincoln County had changed the name of their Multi-Purpose Facility to "Lincoln Center" and the New York attorneys would have none of it! Court affidavits say they feared "confusion on the part of the general public" between the 2 facilities. The Mult-Purpose venue, located in the town of Brookhaven (population 9,800), is used mostly for livestock shows and family reunions.

Dang - I coulda sworn that theater marquis said famed musician Yo Yo Ma, but all we done got was Yo Mama!

Meet The Beatles! Or...Not

2009-12-29T15:01:00.005-05:00

Royal Caribbean is having its first ever Beatles-theme cruise, on the Independence Of The Seas, March 28th 2010. It's a 6-night Western Caribbean sailing from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I got kind of excited when I read that, thinking how great it would be to rub elbows with at least one of the remaining Beatles.
I figured Ringo. Surely they'll have Ringo Starr on board. Paul is still in too-great demand around the world, but Ringo is kind of the Ed Norton to the other Beatles' Ralph Kramden. (You young-'uns go visit your wikipedia for a minute....we'll wait). But alas, even Ringo is a no-show. It's a Beatle-less Beatles cruise, featuring a tribute band from Chicago called BritBeat. I Googled them, and the reviews say they're really good, kind of like if there was a band called Working Class Tough Guys Who Chew Gum, who sounded a lot like ShaNaNa (back to wikipedia, kiddies!). But since the Beatles literally changed my life the night of their first Ed Sullivan (wikipedia!!!) appearance, I have a very soft place in my heart for the Fab Four. I'll save you the wiki-trip, that was the Beatles' nickname. The night of Feb. 9, 1964 I was sitting in front of the TV with my parents, as an impressionable 12-year old boy with no clue about his future. Suddenly, there were these shaggy-haired guys on the screen playing LOUD, high-energy music, and girls were screaming and crying, wanting ever-so-much to be attached to these dapper lads in their matching suits and pointy-toed boots. You could barely hear the music for the screaming. I looked at my parents, pointed to the TV screen and said, "I know Bill (my brother) is going to M.I.T. to design rockets for NASA (he did), but I want to do THAT for a living!" Of course I got an icy-cold stare from my Mom, but lo-and-behold the next Christmas I got a used Slingerland set of drums from Santa, and my life's path was set.

So back to the cruise. OK, they've got the BritBeat band playing. I'm sure they're going to have some celebrities and Beatles associates on board. Yoko? Is Yoko going to be there? Eh, no. However, May Pang is definitely on the list! Who? May Pang. You know, John Lennon's former girlfriend. Yeah, I don't remember her either but they say she was and since I didn't read Tiger Beat Magazine I'll have to take their word for it. Who else.....hmmmm. OH YEAH! I'm hearing that Nancy Lee Andrews is confirmed! No, not Julie Andrews - she has no connection. Nancy Lee Andrews. You know, Ringo Starr's former fiancee? Yeah, me neither on that one, Tiger Beat Magazine, blah blah blah etc. OK here's one for you - how about Chris O'Dell? You know, the woman who wrote "Miss O'Dell: My Hard Days and Long Nights with the Beatles, the Stones, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, and the Women They Loved"? Or Jorie Gracen, who photographed Paul McCartney? Yeah, I'm right there with you it's a real s-t-r-e-t-c-h to link all these folks as interesting-enough to make for a theme cruise, but it is what it is. My guess is neither May Pang nor Nancy Lee Andrews nor Jorie Green is demanding the 7-figure appearance fee Sir Paul McCartney would have gotten. I'm guessing maybe they're doing this for a free cruise and a few complimentary cocktails on their bar tab. But by golly, if you want the Beatles this is as close as you're gonna get! I'm sure it will be loads of fun, all kidding aside. And there is still plenty of availability for inside, oceanview and even balcony cabins on this sailing! Call me for rates, as I'm sure this will sell out quickly once word spreads.

While we're on the subject of the UK, here's an interesting headline from the London Daily Telegraph, about the attention span of some Brits. In November, the Solihull Council in Britain's West Midlands county ordered a flooring store to remove the festive balloons it had pinned-up in front of their building, in an attempt to attract business. The Council in their ruling called them "hazards." One Councilor explained that "drivers may be distracted by the colors," and another was "concerned that if a balloon came loose, it might possibly float into traffic and lure a child to follow it." We can only assume that every citizen of Solihull England is either a cat, or a human on a strict diet of marijuana brownies.

Not everyone in our own US Homeland is a shining star of intellect, though. In a story from the Springfield Missouri News-Leader, 3 men were recently convicted in Kansas City of having swindled numerous customers, to pay up to $2000 apiece for a 3-inch-by-4-inch laminated card that said "Diplomat." According to court records, the sellers were able to convince the buyers that by being a Diplomat, they would legally free themselves from ever having to pay taxes, or being arrested for any crime. According to the FBI, the ages of the buyers ranged from 19 to 77, and all but 2 were college-educated. I've created some lapel-stickers which I'm headed to Kansas City to sell. They say "Not A Moron", and for only $100 I'll guarantee that no Diplomat Salesmen will accost anyone wearing one. They come in blue, green and mauve.

I can get you ones in Kansas City Chiefs red as well, but special orders have to add $39.95 shipping and handling (allow 6-8 weeks for delivery)...

Lions and Tiger and Bayer - OH MY!

2009-12-23T08:58:00.009-05:00

As we're closing out 2009 (THANK GOODNESS!), some things have remained the same, while others have clearly gone a direction no one anticipated. The NFL's Detroit Lions have had the #1 or #2 draft pick for about 287 years in a row, but when the smoke clears there they are, in last place at the bottom of the heap. Another constant has been partisan bickering between Democrats and Republicans and Independents and Whigs and Frontiersmen and Whatever-other-political-association-anybody-might-have. Everyone hates everyone. No matter who you voted for, you were wrong. No matter what you believe, you're wrong. EVERYBODY SING IT WITH ME:
"I'm Proud To Be An American!"

Enough of all this sameness. Let's talk about the surprises of 2009. Golden Child Tiger Woods has been doing his best (or worst) impression of Mickey Rourke. Potentially-almost Vice-President John Edwards goes from having a silver spoon in his mouth, to having it shoved into a completely different place after ruining his reputation and lying to all of us. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took long weekend walks to Argentina. David Letterman proved he has more in common with ex-President Bill Clinton than an affection for cigars. And now, the American Diabetes Association is set to report in January that taking a daily low-dose aspirin has risks that fail to outweigh the benefits to the heart. You know what, though? As much as I admire scientists, I'm starting to get the same feeling as when I listen to the Whigs and Senators and Representatives and Politicos - whatever I choose to do is wrong. Well, Happy Holidays to you too, dang it! While any scientist worth his salt can prove or disprove another, regardless of their level of education or history or location of their academia, I'm gonna do what I do anyway since it seems to work for me! I take my "no burps" Fish Oil every day, because it has stuff in it to make me better than I am without it. Same with my For Him 50+ Multivitamins, because Heaven knows where I'd get Niacin and Zinc without them. I also take B-Complex. Why, you ask?
I'd tell you, but it's too Complex. Hahahahaha! (Notice the self-restraint I used there, instead of saying "...it B2 Complex."?) And finally, I take my Bayer low-dose, enteric-coated aspirin which waits until after it passes through the rigors of my stomach to dissolve. I'm not sure how it knows to do that, but "enteric" must mean "knows where to go in Cap'n Bob's digestive tract." Thank you Bayer! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and so far you haven't killed me. Now if I can only figure a way to get Riboflavin without having to eat all that cereal every morning....

Airport, Scareport!

A USA TODAY review of airport food inspections, including nearly 800 restaurants at 10 major airports in the US, found some pretty amazing statistics. Items such as tuna salad and turkey sandwiches were stored at dangerously warm temperatures. Raw meat was contaminating ready-to-eat foods. Kitchens lacked soap for workers to wash their hands. It seems serious violations are common at the recent inspection points, and that ain't what we need to hear at a time of year that MILLIONS of people are passing through airports. 42% of the 57 restaurants at Seattle-Tacoma Int'l Airport had at least one "critical" violation. So did 77% of Washington's Reagan National's 35 food outlets. Grab-and-go coolers often don't keep sandwiches, salads and yogurt cold enough to stop dangerous pathogens, reports show. There are 76 million cases of food-borne illnesses annually in the U.S., according to estimates from the Center for Disease Control. Most are never traced to the source, and doing so is even harder with airport restaurants because customers scatter immediately. More badness: there were 12 cases in a 4-month period at Atlanta's Hartsfield Int'l Airport, where inspectors found "traces of rodent activity." I don't need to tell you what those traces were. Same for JFK in New York, where 11 citations were issued over an 8-month span for vermin. Bottom line, if your state has posted health inspection ratings in restaurants, they'll also appear at the airport. You may want to scan the walls before ordering, just to be as safe as possible. It makes me wonder how many people have gone on vacation and found themselves with a stomach virus, thinking they caught it in the islands or on a cruise, when the culprit may have been the airport? TIP: you can pick up Purell wipes or other hand-sanitizer cloths to carry with you in airports, helping reduce your germ intake at least a bit. And order something COOKED FRESH to minimize the risk. I know, I know, salads are good for you and meat is bad. Hey - didn't you hear me earlier? I'm taking aspirin. I live on the edge!!

SPENDING YOUR INHERITANCE for Christmas?

Police in Selma Indiana say a fifth-grader decided to "play Santa" last week, handing out money to other students riding on his elementary school bus. The problem is, we're not talking about .50cents or a buck. The un-named juvenile was handing out "approximately $300 per student," after taking nearly $10,000 from his grandparents' safe. Delaware Indiana County Sheriff George Sheridan says the boy was handing out the money on Friday, the last school day before Christmas vacation began. He explained he had wanted to do something nice for everyone, particularly those kids less fortunate than he. Amazingly, some of the children who received the money told their teachers and the principal, and the Sheriff's Department was called. Officers found the boy carrying the remainder of the cash, and both he and the money were returned to his grandparents. The bus driver, who did not receive any cash, asked "What am I - chopped liver?" Bah! Humbug!
DRIVE YOUR BUS!!

Are You Comfortable, Ma'am?

2009-12-22T10:38:00.003-05:00

You're NOT? Well, you only have to endure another 2 hours and 59 minutes. At least that's the plan, now that the Feds have declared 3 hours the longest passengers will have to wait on a plane before either take-off or returning to the gate. This is what you call a theoretically-great idea, if they can make it happen. Airlines are already throwing their noses up (their literal noses, not the ones on their aircraft), saying this is a bad idea and may ultimately lead to more flight cancellations and delays. Actually, Mr. Executive, you're dead wrong. It's a fabulous idea. It's what we non-airline employees call The Truth. We buy a "Contract of Carriage" which has 26,487 lines of fine print protecting your side of the story, telling us all the things you're not responsible for when we fly or attempt to fly. The key word is Contract. You ask the traveling public to abide by your side of the Contract, and now the Feds are mandating that you honor your side. You offer Point A to Point B for X number of dollars, leaving at Y and arriving at Z. (Note to non-math majors: if you didn't understand that part, you need to get yourself up to a 7th-grade geometry level to finish the remainder of your life -- find a tutor). Anyway, so it's a Contract. Mr. Airline Executive needs to understand that people who purchase their SERVICE, which is what they offer - not a product, want simply the basic part of the Contract honored. Many people fly because they're going to visit a relative in a strange town. The tendency is to tell that relative "My flight gets in at about 10:30am, so I'll meet you outside baggage claim around 11am." Simple, ain't it? That doesn't mean Grandma should be expected to keep circling the airport until 4:30pm or when she runs out of gas (this time I DO mean literally). She should reasonably expect the flight to be there somewhere near the time the airline advertised. But the fine print of that Contract allows for a multitude of excuses, some justified and others less so, and the track record of the airlines basically forced the Government to step in. There are other provisions, and it's basic passenger protection and 3 hours is still a heck of a long time if you're stuck in line on the tarmac, but it's certainly better than the status quo! There are exemptions for safety and security issues, but the Feds are taking this quite seriously and plan to impose a fine of more than $25,000 PER PASSENGER affected. Hopefully this will get the airlines to shape up, so you can ship out.

HOW TO MAKE EXTRA HOLIDAY CASH......NOT:

A Brooklyn, New York man is in trouble after devising a plan to make some extra money during the Holidays. He had discovered a city-owned garage near the old seaport district and Wall Street, which had been closed down. Authorities say his entrepreneurial spirit got the best of him, as he decided to break in to the closed garage and reopen it on his own. He began charging people for parking (cash only). The scam might have lasted a while if he had been reasonable in what he was charging, but officials received complaints from unwitting consumers, since he was actually charging more than the surrounding parking lots! The city's Department of Investigation said NY City Police were dispatched to the site, on only his 2nd day of business, and were able to chase him off though he eluded arrest temporarily. In his collection booth they found a half-empty soda can that was still cold, and were able to lift his DNA from the can to prove he was the alleged culprit. The man now faces charges of burglary and criminal impersonation. How's that for setting high standards? "You know, Ma, at one time it was my life's dream to be a parking attendant, but then I realized I could just pretend to be one without all that needless schooling, filling out a job application, or any of that legal mumbo-jumbo." You know she's a proud woman.

Respect is EARNED, not given...

In a report from the London Daily Mirror, a man in jail for attacking his wife with a machete is suing the Court, for referring to him as 'prisoner' rather than 'mister'. Bernard Pennington claimed the term 'prisoner' was derogatory, defamed his personal reputation, and breached his human rights. Along with the Court, he also tried to sue prison worker David Luckett who called him "Prisoner Pennington" while he was incarcerated at Kingston Prison in Portsmouth, England. A judge at Portsmouth County Court threw out the compensation claim, saying it had no merit whatsoever. He added "Please take Mr. Prisoner Pennington back to his cell." I love it. A judge who will meet you halfway. Given enough publicity, ABC will sign him to it's 4pm daily lineup of Judge This and Judge That, so we can all watch the Prisoner Penningtons of the world, and be thankful we're not them.

Carrie A Big (Hockey) Stick

2009-12-21T15:26:00.004-05:00

Congratulations to American Idol and country music sensation Carrie Underwood, who announced her engagement to Mike Fisher, a hockey player for the Ottawa (Canada) Senators. For years, I've been a sportscard collector, and when I saw this in the news I figured now is the time to break out any Mike Fisher rookie cards I have tucked in the closet, as the interest in him would probably be at an all-time high. Maybe I can make some extra Christmas money, also known as "Holiday money" or "Season money" to the politically-correct among you. Well, so far the interest in Mike Fisher appears to be limited to females, with phrases that include "cute" and "hunky", none of which interest me at all unless they're buying his hockey cards for all the cuteness and hunk-ism he exudes. I was hoping to sell the cards for a couple of bucks on Ebay, but I'm seeing even the cuties and hunkies are only willing to pay about a nickel. A nickel. Let's review: Rookie card, sells for a nickel. It would cost me .15cents to post it on eBay, and another .50cents if I want to include a photograph of the card. Once sold, eBay takes its cut of the profits. Then I have to put it in a .10cent protective plastic case and sleeve, place that in a $1.00 bubble-wrap mailing envelope, and pay .44cents for a stamp. Hmmmmm. Given an initial look, this might not be the money-maker I thought it would be. So I'll wish the very best to Carrie and her beau, but I'll wait until they print Carrie Underwood rookie cards before re-visiting this idea. Who knows, on a good day I might break even.

Holland America's Rotterdam is just coming out of a month-long drydock, and they've added lots of toys and goodies to this sleigh. There are Lanai rooms, a new resort-style pool called "The Retreat", where you can actually put your chaise lounge in the shallow end and enjoy dipping whatever in the water. There's a new pizzaria called Slice, a hip lounge called Mix, and they've even added some balconies and spa cabins. All cabins on board, regardless of category, got upgraded linens, new bathrooms and fixtures. In a nutshell they're just sprucing up their older ships, because even at $40million-a-pop it's 15-20 times cheaper than building a new one. And it allows them to keep the smaller-sized vessels so many people enjoy. Their older ships are also in the pipeline to have the facelift in the next few months and years, trying to compete with some of the new and future builds. Good idea.

CANADIAN JUSTICE:

From a police report in North Bay Ontario Canada, an officer was in line at a traffic light, waiting for the cars in front to move, as normal. However, he suddenly realized nothing had moved through two light changes, so he exited his vehicle and walked up to the lead car to investigate. The driver apologized for the inconvenience, but said she was not able to move on the green lights because she was still on the phone. By a new Canadian law, driving while using a cell phone is illegal, so she decided to obey the new mandate by remaining still. The officer offered her a brief "lecture," to further improve the woman's understanding of Ontario law, then issued her a citation for failure to exhibit normal traffic laws. It was a non-moving violation.

Things aren't much better in Tennessee. According to the Knoxville News-Sentinel, Vincent Salters, 46, was arrested for trying to steal numerous right shoes. Earlier in the week, Mr. Salters had come into the Shoe Show store in Knoxville, and had shoplifted a large number of display shoes, thinking he'd pair them up when he got home. To his dismay, he had dashed out so hurriedly that he failed to notice all the display shoes were for the left foot. So he returned to the Shoe Show and began asking how he might locate just right-footed shoes, when an employee became suspicious and recognized him from surveillance photos. The police were called, and Salters was arrested.

Last in today's trilogy of terror, finds us in the frozen tundra of Minnesota. Travis Himmler, 22, was charged with burglary after he allegedly stole the cash register from the Golden Wok restaurant in Bloomington, Minn. Mr. Himmler didn't own a car, so he attempted to make his getaway on a bicycle. However, he was found by police just down the street from Golden Wok, injured with multiple lacerations and head trauma, after taking a bad spill from his bicycle. It seems the cash register cord was dangling off the machine and swinging freely, and it got caught in the bike's spokes, throwing Himmler head-first into the pavement. While waiting to be booked at the Police Station, the would-be burglar decided to open up the fortune cookie he had picked up at the Golden Wok restaurant. Besides having potentially-winning lottery numbers on the back, the small piece of paper said only:

"Today you will experience love in a new way"

We can only assume...

Aria Smellin' What Cap'n Bob Is Cookin'?

2009-12-18T10:45:00.003-05:00

Anyone who has visited Las Vegas over the past couple of years will tell you the most common sight has been cranes. Not the Whooping kind, but the Construction kind. Across from Planet Hollywood and Paris there has been a big hole-in-the-Earth, which has been the proposed City Center. It's the first futuristic concept to hit The Strip in many a moon, with the thought being to go completely away from "themed" hotels (Paris, Venetian, etc) and into the 21st century with a green, upscale product. Welcome to Aria! This new 4,000-bed luxury resort just opened in the midst of the $8.5 billion-with-a-B dollar City Center complex. Owned by MGM/Mirage, Aria stands 61-stories high and will be flanked by the Mandarin Oriental and Vdara hotels, aiming for an affluent demographic never quite seen in Las Vegas before. At least not under one roof. City Center is a huge gamble, no pun intended, but it is already having an effect on the older, smaller properties. Sahara just closed 2 of their towers in a cost-cutting move, and Binion's Gambling Hall downtown (the original site of the World Series of Poker) virtually shut its 365-guest hotel and eliminated 100 jobs, in an attempt to survive. Aria will also host a brand new Cirque du Soleil show called "Viva Elvis" which should have wide appeal, to both new visitors and classic Vegas repeaters. Here's a link to a photo gallery of 16 pictures, featuring the new Aria Hotel and it's surroundings. Pretty impressive:

http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/travel/new-9-billion-casino-opens-on-las-vegas-strip/20091217-kyqt.html

Oh yeah - I forgot to mention.....OF COURSE we have rates for Aria! Or just about any other Las Vegas hotel you could want, so call me to book any time. Email works too, but there's nothing as fast or efficient as the phone. I don't bite.

Exactly WHO is this child's role model again?

Tennessee investigators say a 4-year-old boy was found roaming his neighborhood 2 nights ago. If that weren't bad enough, he was also drinking beer and wearing a little girl's dress taken from under a neighbor's Christmas tree. The un-named child's mother, 21-year-old April Wright, tells WTVC-TV the boy "wants to go to jail because that's where his daddy is." The boy was taken to a local hospital, and treated for alcohol consumption. Initial reports say child protective services will still allow Ms. Wright to keep custody.

Interactive Do-Not-Call List

Daniel Adler, 61, from Stony Point, New York has been arrested and charged with assault. Police said Adler had been solicited by a Sears Home Improvement telemarketer, and after numerous calls had finally agreed to an appointment to meet the man in person. When the employee arrived, Adler allegedly punched him in the face. Mr. Adler said he had agreed to schedule the appointment only to "advise" Sears, in person, to quit calling him.

I'm sorry he was arrested, but Daniel Adler, you're my hero.

I Need An Enormous Tape Measure - STAT!!

2009-12-17T13:02:00.003-05:00

Back in Capn's School, one of the bright spots on my academic resume was mathematics. I was always pretty good with "ciphering" and adding my 2's to make 4. Just a gift, I guess, but apparently not everyone is so blessed when it comes to number-crunching. Not even ship designers or cruise line executives. In a USAToday.com travel article, there's a story today about Holland America's ship Veendam, which is scheduled to sail 24 week-long Bermuda cruises from New York City, starting April 25th. In all their preliminary literature and advertising, they said the ship will overnight in both St. Georges and Hamilton (the 2 main towns on Bermuda). Well, they're half-right. The ship will still pull along side in Hamilton, but St. Georges? Not so much. In a written statement just released, Holland America Line says they will not be docking in the 2nd location "due to challenges with the Town Cut and the narrow entrance to St. George’s Harbour.” Bluntly, they just realized the ship won’t fit. Instead, they will have to anchor offshore, and have passengers use ferries and tender boats to get to town. The local ferries hold up to 700 passengers, but they don't necessarily go as often as you like, or as quickly as you like. Certainly a lot slower and less-desirable than just walking off the ship the way it was originally presented. Local businesses are also upset, as they saw the proposed docking as a boon to their shops and tourist haunts. Holland America is encouraging the locals to dredge the harbor wider and deeper, to accommodate more ships like Veendam. But Bermuda could have done that 100+ years ago, and they really don't want large ships. So I doubt that the cruise line's lack of planning is going to constitute Bermuda's emergency. Suggestion for next time? As the old saying goes, "Do the math."

Speaking of school and number-crunching, everyone knows there are services and commercial test-preparation courses available for high-end schools. These are extremely popular with applicants to top colleges and grad schools, and more recently for admission to prestigious private high schools. According to a New York Times report, private coaching is increasingly important for admission to New York City's high-achiever-status public kindergartens. Basic coaching for these prodigious 3- and 4-year-olds can cost over $1,000. Training includes teaching a child to listen to an adult's questions, and to sit still. Minimum qualification for top-shelf kindergartens are scores at the 90th percentile or above on the Olsat reasoning test, and the Bracken School Readiness knowledge test. My Dad used to have a system for getting me to listen and sit still. Didn't cost $1000, either. It just started with "Where's my belt?"

From the Lincoln Nebraska Journal Star newspaper, a little story about government in action. Or government inaction, depending on your viewpoint. In September, Nebraska did a background check on prison guard Michal Preclik, who had been on the job for a year and was being promoted. Standard procedure with any payscale change and promotion is obtaining an updated background check on the individual. The Corrections Department's background check was done through the FBI's National Criminal Information Center database, which turned up nothing. Clean as a whistle. However, on a lark another employee simply Googled the name Michal Preclik, only to find out he was wanted by Interpol for drug and fraud crimes in the Czech Republic. Google showed the Interpol wanted poster with Preclik's photo, as one of its top search results.

Kleen-Up On Aisle Zwei!

What's with the German you ask? I bring it up because of an incident in the town of Aachen. Two German shoppers grabbed the last grocery cart, and a scuffle ensued between a 74-year-old man and a 35-year-old woman. They began arguing over who got the cart first, when the woman's younger brother suddenly punched the elderly man, knocking him to the ground. The woman, her brother and mother continued on shopping, when suddenly the roughed-up Senior made a comeback, hitting the brother with a 3-foot salami. At almost that same instant, the elderly man found himself fighting off the 53-year-old mother, who had attacked him back with a 4-lb piece of Parmesan cheese, which she used to stab at him like it was a knife. The fight ended after police arrived to break it up, and two of those involved were treated for minor injuries. No word on whether charges have been filed on any of the combatants. There's also been very little talk recently of a "Master race"....

2 Weeks To Sanity?

2009-12-11T14:32:00.003-05:00

I was raised on insane comedy. 3 Stooges. F-Troop. Soupy Sales. And then there were the co-creators of much of that genre, the Marx Brothers. Obviously they were also beloved by the rock group Queen, who went on to name their records after numerous Marx Brothers movies. "Night At The Opera" has some great scenes, including one where Fiorello (Chico Marx) and Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho) are discussing the details of a new contract they're supposed to sign:

Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello: No, that's no good.
Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Otis B. Driftwood: It says...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello: Er... just the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The party of the first part?
Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract...” look, why quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? (he rips it off the page). Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...
Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?
Fiorello: I no like the second party, either.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days! (rips the 2nd part off the page)
Fiorello: What's that clause down there?
Otis B. Driftwood: That clause down here?
Fiorello: Yes, that clause down there.
Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that clause is in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello (laughing out loud): Ha, ha - you can't fool me! There's no such thing as Sanity Claus!

And so it goes. Some people believe there's no such thing as Sanity Claus, but with as lousy as 2009 has been, I'm still hoping a real Holiday Spirit exists, by whichever name you choose to call Him. Or Her. Or It. Whatever the case, I hope all my clients and friends and readers have a wonderful and very merry (insert whichever Holiday you celebrate here).

"Yeah, I started getting loose just past the porch, in that wide open area by the oak tree, and I had to just shut 'er down!"

Tired of weekend chores? Wish you could get through them faster? Maybe you should speak to Don Wales, a British race-car driver who has just designed a lawn mower that can travel up to 100 miles per hour. He's hoping to break the current world record of 80 mph, which has stood since 2006. Mr. Wales already holds world records for electric and steam-powered cars. The lawn mower, which by coincidence can also cut grass, is equipped with a standard power mower engine that has been modified to run on high-octane racing fuel. It's also been tweaked to increase stability, and has been fitted with narrow racing tires to reduce drag. He plans to attempt to break the record in February...stay tuned...

HOLY COW, Batman!

Or maybe it's just a divine bovine? Last week at a dairy farm in Sterling Connecticut, a calf was born with a white marking on its forehead, in the approximate shape of a cross. Owner Brad Davis told WFSB-TV he thinks the marking may be a message from above, though he's still trying to figure out what that message might be. The mostly brown calf is half Jersey, half Holstein. Neighborhood children have named it Moses. However, from the earliest reports there have been no sightings of any Wise Men roaming the area. None.

The Colors Of The Season? Gray Suit, White Socks And A Red Bow Tie!

2009-12-08T11:07:00.004-05:00

That can only mean one thing. Pee-Wee Herman is back in action! If you're going to be in Los Angeles starting January 12th, Paul Rubens (a.k.a. Pee-Wee Herman) will be "live" on stage doing a newly-written stage play at the Club Nokia in downtown LA. He will reprise his longtime imp-child character, surrounded by all the friends from his TV show, and in most cases with the same actors who played them (Miss Yvonne, Chairy and others). Only Cowboy Curtis will have changed since original cast member Laurence Fishburne has moved on to bigger projects, such as starring on TV's "C.S.I." which pays slightly better than being Pee-Wee's sidekick. Promoters are hoping this leads to another Big Adventure, taking the stage show nationally and possibly into a new movie deal looking forward. Fishburne gave Pee Wee his approval to hire another actor play his part, but said "If there is a movie, I'll get my Jheri Curl out and I'll be there as Cowboy Curtis." So we have that to look forward to. I always liked silly humor and the Pee-Wee character, his show and movies, so if the new project take off I'm sure I'll pony-up for tickets to watch. When pressed for details of is-there-or-isn't there a movie coming, Pee-Wee just cocked his head to the side, raised his eyebrows and smiled "Is there something YOU know that I don't know?" In typical style, he added, "I hope the whole world, and people on the moon, and Mars and all over the universe get to see me, not just the people on Earth. I don't want to be limited to just Earth - how boring is THAT?!"

And you wonder what happened to us...

Shipments of Ford passenger vans arrive each month in Baltimore from a Ford plant in Turkey. Each time a shipment comes in, workers immediately rip out the non-driver seats and replace the side windows with steel. The reason, according to a recent Wall Street Journal report, is to avoid an expensive tariff on imported "delivery vans," which is 10 times the tariff on "passenger vans." Ford found it is much cheaper to re-fit the vehicles into passenger vans, rather than to acknowledge importing delivery vans from Turkey. Ironically, the 10-fold tariff was imposed in 1963, specifically to protect the U.S. auto industry from foreign imports. How's that working for you, Ford?

In November, researchers roaming the depths of Scotland's Loch Ness in a submarine looking for the legendary "Nessie" monster, reported finding hundreds of thousands of golf balls at the bottom, from popular use of the lake as a driving range. A recent Golf Association report said golf balls take somewhere between 100 and 1,000 years to decompose. There was another smaller batch of golf balls found about 75 yards to the left of the other stack. Those were attributed to a Loch Ness Monster Slice....

Regal Regent, Cunning Cunard

2009-12-04T08:40:00.009-05:00

Seasoned travelers know the name Zagat, which is a rating service and annual survey that for years has given its thumbs-up or thumbs-down to hotels, restaurants and entertainment from major cities. The theory behind the Zagat Survey is that if you're accustomed to a certain lifestyle in New York or Chicago, when you travel to Houston or Seattle you'll want to stay in similar style, and dine in a similar fashion to your normal preferences. Sort of a "points" or "star" rating, it gives people a solid, professional recommendation for such choices. Today, Zagat enters the world of cruising, for the first time comparing lines against one another based on size, class, price, etc. There are some interesting results. Cunard came in at the top of the large cruise lines (with elegant ships such as the Queen Mary II), followed closely by Celebrity and Disney Cruises. In the mid-size category, which is where you find most of the luxury lines, the top dog is Regent Seven Seas (formerly Radisson Seven Seas), then Crystal and the Yachts of Seabourn.

That brings up an interesting topic - how much does a cruise really cost? I have thousands of clients who sail on the standard brands: Carnival, Royal Caribbean, Princess, Holland America and others, but the emphasis on these lines continues to be "How can we generate even more onboard revenue, once we get the passengers on the ship?" That's great for cruise line execs and stockholders, but if you're trying to budget your vacation before leaving home, best of luck with that. Royal Caribbean's new Oasis of the Seas has more spending venues than anything preceding it, and at some point the sheer volume of pay-as-you-go extras will overwhelm people. It has already spawned huge growth in the "all-inclusive" hotel/resort market on various islands, which continues to grow each year. But some people, like me, just love to cruise! So what's the answer? Maybe those people should consider lines like Regent which have a larger price tag up-front, but once onboard you are not hacked up by fees and add-ons. Regent just extended their FREE SHORE EXCURSION program into 2010 (but you have to book soon to qualify). That's not a misprint - unlimited shore excursions free. On an Alaska cruise, that could save you $1000 per person. Regent used to be very formal, but that's been relaxed to where formal wear is no longer required. If you like wines or spirits during your cruise, while other cruise lines crush you with bar prices, Regent includes them. And soft drinks. And bottled water. Even the mini-bar in your suite is replenished daily, all free. You have wireless internet access anywhere on the ship. Room service is complimentary 24-hours a day, in all categories. And while other lines hit you with gratuities at the end of the cruise, Regent just thanks you and says "See you next time." Gratuities are already built into your price. Some cruise lines will pack you into cabins as small as 118 square feet, but the smallest cabin in Regent's fleet is 252 sq. feet, and that's not even counting the additional 49 sq. ft. balcony! My clients who have tried Regent have stayed there, cruising over and over again in different parts of the world but staying with the brand. Once you experience true luxury, it's hard to go back to anything less, and the surprising thing is you can get it for the same price or less than you'd wind up paying on a standard brand. If you think you're ready to upgrade your vacation, call me or email me today.

At what age should you retire?

For me, it'll probably be 102, though if I have trouble getting out of bed at 97 or 98 I may just throw in the towel. According to the Des Moines Register, maybe 72 is a good age for truck drivers to consider climbing down. Phillip Mathews, 73, whose logging truck is equipped with a tall boom-arm to facilitate loading, recently left a jobsite, and was on his way home after an arduous day's work. However, Mr. Matthews forgot to lower the arm after finishing a job, and once he started driving the boom proceeded to snap power lines on utility poles, for the next 12 miles until motorists were finally able to get his attention. If you've ever been to rural Iowa you know that 12 miles of power lines probably affected as many as 3 people.

This from the Dayton Ohio Daily Register: For its Halloween gala, the Kings Island amusement park near Cincinnati set up an exhibit, featuring skeletons dressed to resemble dead celebrities, including Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ted Kennedy, Ed McMahon, TV salesman Billy Mays, Sonny Bono (his skeleton in front of a tree) and Ted Williams (his skeleton in front of a freezer). Following a WLWT-TV preview of the exhibit, the park quickly canceled it, with a spokesman declaring, "We were not intending to be distasteful."
Yowza....I have to wonder what they would have done if they had INTENDED to be distasteful!

Is that bigamy? Or big of you?

In Ogden, Utah last month, 30-year-old Adam Manning went to the emergency room at the McKay-Dee Hospital, accompanying his pregnant girlfriend as she was going into labor. Nice guy, right? Be there for her. Show support through her ordeal. According to witnesses, as a nurse attended to the girlfriend, Mr. Manning began flirting with her, complimenting the nurse's looks and even giving her a neck rub as she tried to assist the young mom-to-be. Manning then allegedly made a couple of lewd comments and actually groped the nurse, who called for security. He was eventually arrested and taken to jail, missing the birth of his 1st child. Let's all just hope it's his LAST child. We already have enough Adam Mannings on the Planet

It Ain't Your Grammy's Grammys Anymore

2009-12-03T11:46:00.003-05:00

Remember music? Yeah, probably not. There hasn't been much of it since the line between being a celebrity and being a true musician/performer got crossed, and spoken rhymes replaced any semblance of harmony and melody for an entire generation. Now leading into another. How sad. As screwed up as the 80's were, with big clothing and bigger hair, it looks like Eden in the rear-view mirror, compared to the gruel that comes over the airwaves now. This week we were treated not to the Grammy Awards show, but the Here's-Who-Will-Be-On-The-Grammys show. This type of fare is not necessary for survival of the species, trust me. It's kind of like when a COMPLETE MORON at some TV network decided a couple of years ago that our attention span had shriveled to 10 seconds or less, and now every show has a "coming up after the break" segment. Usually, it spoils whatever is coming up! I don't want to know. Why not pick up a 500 page novel, and on page 11 it says "coming up on page 230", and on page 230 it says "here's the end of the book." Or going to the theater to see a movie, and after 20 minutes the screen goes blank and you see "here's the scene coming up 9 minutes from now," only to prevent you from possibly going to the concession stand for the $39.95 Jumbo box of Goobers. Doing these teasers is very likely the worst idea in TV history, and yet every executive thought it was so good they immediately sheeped into line to follow suit.

Anyway, back to the Pre-Grammys. I won't bore you with the details of the talentless, ruthless and toothless, but it should be enough to say Lady Gaga got 5 nominations. Lady Gaga. 5 nominations. Questions anyone? Is there any human left who still believes music is alive? Talent has been replaced by the Acts of Hacks, that's for sure. I couldn't stomach 5 minutes of this pre-quel, so I did what I do best: reading CD reviews on http://www.melodicrock.com/, where the truth still exists in small fashion, no thanks to TV or any other media outlet.

On a different tangent, Royal Caribbean's Oasis Of The Seas finally reached South Florida, and initial reports are mainly what I expected. "It's really cool" followed by "It's breathtaking" followed by "It's noisier than I thought" and "For anyone who doesn't like to walk long distances all the time, this ship is just too big." Mostly positive notes across the board from the first guests, but it's certainly not for everyone. There are many more areas of the ship where things or services or events cost additional money than on your standard cruise ship. Want soft-serve ice cream? Great - it's free! But if you want some of that creamy hand-dipped stuff that everyone's walking around with, please reach for your wallet. Either hand will do. This appears to be a DO-er's ship, not a watchers ship. Get involved or stay home. Personally, I will sell it for the experience and excitement, but not as a relaxing holiday. The WOW and BANG factors are definitely there in spades, with more entertainment options than any ship in history. So if you're one of those people who likes "stuff", call me and book Oasis today. Expect the price tag to match the size of the ship, as booking totals are also Super-Sized, but the approval rating is very strong and just to be able to tell your friends you were on the Oasis will earn you extra cool-guy-brownie-points in keeping up with the Joneses.

No More BAAAAAAA'd Breath?

Scientists-Down-Under are aiming to breed sheep that burp less, to help tackle climate change.
It's estimated that 12 percent of Australia's greenhouse gas emissions originate with agriculture, and 70 percent of that amount is blamed on livestock burps. Sheep especially produce almost all of their methane from their mouths. Scientists are looking to see if there is a genetic link between these sheep and other 4-legged creatures, thinking they could possibly cross-breed to create a generation of low-emissions sheep. Australia has an estimated 80 million of the fluffy varmints, so even reducing emissions a little bit would have a substantial impact on greenhouse gases in Aussieland. As for the cows, no amount of Listerine or cross-breeding will help the area they emit methane from.

Somehow, I'm picturing a rancher taking a bull and cross-breeding it with a sheep. WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY!

Green on Blue (Trees in the ocean?)

2009-11-18T12:46:00.004-05:00

"Now entering the starting gate, ladies and gentlemen, is the much-ballyhooed thoroughbred, Oasis of the Seas. Sired by Monarch from the dame Majesty, this super-charger is currently UNDEFEATED, though if we're being honest she hasn't even raced yet. Not even a claimer. She stands taller than the competition, coming in at over 2,700 hands in height (Secretariat was just over 16 hands), and she carries more than 8,500 jockeys and stable personnel. She prefers a very wet track, and is fully expected to be a high-stakes winner, right from the get-go."

Well, we hope so, though I might not bet the farm just yet. This ship has been commanding a premium of more than double what the other Royal Caribbean ships charge, simply by being bigger and more different and just plain MORE. Even in the current economy, people are opening their wallets nice and wide to get on the newest industry behemoth. And she is definitely that. The ship is enormous, with a crew and staff that is larger than what most ships carry as a complement of passengers! Live trees growing onboard. I guess it wouldn't make sense to have dead trees, but STILL - it's something new, something different, something people have been willing to pay a premium rate on. So far. But a report in today's USAToday online indicates that could be coming to a halt sooner, rather than later. Already pricing is starting to come down from its initial dizzying heights, as Royal Caribbean tries to fill such a massive amount of berths week-in, week-out. And there's another wooly mammoth just like her being built as we speak. The fear is saturation, which in my mind has a greater chance of victory in this race than "If you build it, they will come." I'm a bit of a skeptic at the moment, since I'm a traditionalist who thinks there really IS such a thing as too big. But I'd be grateful if they can prove me wrong, by keeping demand and prices high. We'll see.

Bartender: Get me a military aircraft, a down parka, snowmobile, blasting caps, thermal boots and something refreshing to drink, please!

After more than 100 years, a team of liquor connoisseurs is set to drill through Antarctica's ice sheets, in search of a lost cache of vintage Scotch whiskey. You may know the story of explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton, whose ship and team made a journey to the South Pole more than a century ago. Devastatingly-cold weather conditions forced the crew to abandon ship and most of their belongings, before being rescued. One prize left behind was the now-extremely-aged Scotch. The site was re-discovered in 2006, but the ice pack was too dense for retrieval. Now, the beverage company Whyte & Mackay has hired a team fetch the two crates of Rare Old brand of McKinlay and Company whiskey. They are hoping to replicate the taste, though because of an odd conservation agreement made by the Antarctic Treaty nations, they will only be allowed to bring out a couple of bottles. Maybe the plan is to create a duplicate copy of the beverage, with explicit instructions on the label:

Step 1) Purchase
Step 2) Store in a cold dark place, preferably at a Polar Ice Cap or imbedded in a solution of liquid nitrogen for at least 10 decades
Step 3) Open
Step 4) Drink
Step 5) Wipe mouth, smile big, say "Aaaaaaahhhhhh."

Speaking of bizarre treatment of alcohol, A Ugandan official has called for the bodies of dead people who died as a result of drinking an illicit local gin, to be caned (beaten) six times before burial. He said the caning will act "as an example to the living people of what can happen." Huh? The gin, called waragi, is distilled with a poisonous methanol, and Police say it has caused more than 50 deaths in the last two months. I wonder what IQ Test is required to become a Ugandan official? You have to be pretty smart, apparently, to realize that caning a dead body only 5 times won't act as enough of a deterrent, but caning it 7 times would appear to be overkill and socially, in bad taste.

6 times is genius...

What? (removes his shoe)

2009-11-16T14:52:00.004-05:00

There's an old Monty Python bit, where John Cleese answers a phone and all you hear is his end of the conversation. It's obvious the person on the other end of the phone is asking him questions, as his response goes something like this:

"Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. What? (removes his shoe): 7 1/2. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Alright then."

For those of you who might be lacking a funny-bone, the COMEDY comes from the fact that no one calling would care what your shoe size is, whether seven-and-a-half or anything else. And the fact that he doesn't question the question, only gives the honest mundane answer. Welcome to my world! The TSA & Homeland Security are just about to step-up their passenger background checks, for anyone getting on an airplane in the US. People are used to calling their travel agents, booking a flight, and off they go. Now we're going to have to start asking for First name, middle name, last name, birthdate, gender of the traveler, and if they have a DHS-issued re-dress number (guess I'm going to have to find out what that is!). I can hardly wait. In this ultra-fast-paced world, where people get annoyed easily at even the slightest thing that might slow down their activities schedule, we're going to have to have this conversation over and over with people, until they get used to the idea that it's REQUIRED if you want to fly. Why? Put yourself in Homeland Security's place. Bill Johnson is wanting a plane ticket. Do you think when they try to do a background check, there will be more than 1 Bill Johnson? And what if he goes by Bill, but his real name is Clarence Willie Johnson? Not William or Bill as you might assume. But let's say his name was William Johnson. There's still gotta be many tens of thousands of them. But if you check William Wayne Johnson, who was born on Aug. 8, 1947 it dramatically narrows the field. That's the whole point of this exercise, to make it so we're all safer in the skies and on the ground. The background checks will be looking not only for people on terror watchlists, but deadbeat parents, people wanted by The Law, and so on. At least to this point they haven't asked for shoe size, so John Cleese is safe within his classic comedy bit from becoming commonplace. I figured I'd just mention it here, so my millions and billions of international followers and devotees would be up to date. I'm pretty sure I'm that popular, but it could be less.

CNN online has an interesting story today about Travel & Leisure Magazine's idea of the World's Ugliest Buildings. I've got to admit some of them are pretty cool looking (from a drunken sailor kind of standpoint), but yes there are some stinkers in there as well. Here's a link, and you can decide for yourself:

http://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/the-worlds-ugliest-buildings/1/

Procter & Gamble announced that it will once again create and host a public restroom for the holidays in New York City's Times Square, as a promotion for Charmin tissue. Last year's installation was specially outfitted toilet facilities, but this year P&G is going to upgrade the promotion. They're hiring five bloggers called Charmin Ambassadors, to "interact" with the expected "hundreds of thousands of bathroom guests" and write about their experiences with Charmin tissue on the company's Web site. They even want people to include "family-friendly" photographs. P&G is calling the campaign "Enjoy the Go." I've renamed it "New York City - It's Craptastic." So there, P&G - let's see which name consumers pick up on.

With lawsuits piling up against Bank of America, a man named Dalton Chiscolm found a new angle to try to strike gold. In September, he sued the bank in New York City Federal Court for inadequate customer service concerning his checks' routing numbers, and asked for damages of "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" plus an additional "$200,164,000 in compensatory damages." Judge Denny Chin appeared confused about the lawsuit, but gave Chiscolm 30 days to better explain his complaint. When the Plaintiff failed to do so, Judge Chin dismissed the suit. Coincidentally, the BBC News looked into the lawsuit, and reported that the first amount listed which is 1,784 followed by 21 zeros, is more money than exists on the entire planet. And I thought that was reserved for the World Series Of Poker winner...

What About Bob (Part II)

2009-11-13T12:00:00.003-05:00

I'm a big fan of originality. There's nothing better than hearing a comedian tell a story or a joke you've never heard before, and you wonder how that person had the singular insight to find such a 1-of-a-kind revelation after the ba-zillion comedians that had come before him. Some of the best movies ever made became classics because of their innovation ("You gotta go - you've never seen anything like it before").

And then there are cruise lines. For decades, they all strived to create or maintain a specific identity, but some time in the 80's with the advent of the Mega-liners, the differences started to blur a little. Then a lot. Today, you'd better have yourself a mighty fine travel agent (like ME!) to help distinguish one product from another. Certainly there are differences, but original thought seems to have gone overboard, lost at sea, most noticeably in 3 areas.

# 1) For years, people looked forward to going on a cruise and experiencing gourmet-level dining, in a social atmosphere where you would meet new friends to share the cruise with. You dined together nightly, swapping stories about what you did that day, and the pampering by your waiter made the experience truly special. Then one of the cruise lines came up with the idea of offering people the ability to come to dinner whenever they wanted, sit wherever they wanted, and they could be as anti-social as they darn well pleased. Since I'm a traditionalist when it comes to cruising, I found this to be a huge error in judgement. Sometimes there is a waiting line now. You may want the same waiter you had last night, but his section is full. Now you go to a new table and have to start the "I'm blank, and I do blank for a living, and we live in blank..." To me, that virtually ruins the dining experience, but the other cruise lines couldn't wait to play follow-the-leader. Now you have Freestyle. Any Time. My Time. Open Seating. Personal Choice. The list goes on, but dining on a cruise ship will never be the same.

2) Ships used to be sleek and elegant, able to carve through the ocean like a hot knife through butter. But they didn't hold enough passengers to keep growing profits. So someone came up with the idea of squared-off, boxy-looking ships that you can keep layering like an onion, making them taller and taller, longer and longer, wider and wider in search of a buck. Some of these ships are building marble walkways on the 11th or 12th deck, 100 feet above the water. Can you say TOP-HEAVY? Again, these measures are being done to enhance the bottom line more than the passenger experience.

3) Here's our brand new ship. Let's call it ________. I think you know where this is going, don't you? Carnival Splendour. Splendour of the Seas. Norwegian Dream. Carnival Dream. Disney Dream. Emerald Seas. Emerald Princess. Legend of the Seas. Carnival Legend. Spirit of Glacier Bay. Carnival Spirit. Aegean Spirit. Spirit of Adventure. Adventure of the Seas. And then there's Holland America, who believes in re-cycling! A few years back, they retired an older ship called the Noordam. So they built a new ship. Called it the Noordam. They've done the same thing with Nieuw Amsterdam, Rotterdam and others. So my suggestion? What about Bob? You could call your ships Tom, Dick and Harry and everyone would remember them as easy as pie. And if you retired Tom, Dick and Harry, they could be replaced by Snap, Crackle and Pop. Or Phyllis, Gladys and Wynnona. Who cares? Instead of rehashing the same old-same old, try something new. How about other nice names like Sunshine? Sunrise? Sunset? How about something elegant like The Carnival Rose? Champagne Princess? Or maybe Rainbow of the Seas? I guess you really can't, because then the other cruise lines would make the Petunia, The Dark Beer, or the Thunder Clap. Actually, I'd like to sail on the Thunder Clap. Sounds like a rip-roaring good time. Then again, the Carnival Bob sounds like a hoot as well. I'm not so sure the Bob Princess is appropriate, but hey - anything to break the monotony!

If you want to know the ins and outs of cruising, and who to sail on for the best experience, just contact Cap'n Bob. I'll lead you to the Promised Land of Vacation Glory (not to be confused with the Carnival Glory or the Ocean Glory).

PULL OVER, LADY! Do you know how SLOWLY you were going?

Police in Northern Wales are having to locate over 300 people they had issued tickets to since March 1st, in an attempt to REFUND more than $29,000 to those motorists. It seems the Police initially issued tickets for people driving TOO SLOWLY on a heavily-patrolled stretch of road - people doing 30 mph or less in a 40 mph zone. However, it was later discovered by the authorities that while they had been targeting that particular stretch of highway, the actual speed limit was 30mph through the area. All of the ticketed parties were completely innocent. None of the 300+ ticket-issuing Officers noticed that the speed limit had been lowered from 40 to 30 over a year ago, and The North Wales Police have apologized for the error.

Ida Wanna Nuther Hurricane!

2009-11-05T12:37:00.002-05:00

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water (off Nicaragua). While it's not a common sight, this mostly-quiet 2009 hurricane season has spawned a couple of late-comers. The Pacific side got whacked about a week ago, and now Ida has raised her ugly 75mph head deep in the Caribbean. It wouldn't be so bad for us if she would have just spun into land and been a rainmaker, but now Ida is heading North. Due North. As in through the Cozumel/Cancun area and a beeline towards New Orleans. If there's any good news at all, and this is a reach, it's that the Gulf of Mexico has cooled down quite a bit, which should keep Ida from fueling herself into a real monster. But every computer model shows her heading to that little patch from New Orleans to the furthest tip of the Florida panhandle. That's likely to mess up all the Western Caribbean cruise itineraries over the next few days at least. You can ask any of my clients who book from June to December, and almost the 1st words out of my mouth are "Let's look for something out of the hurricane zone." Some listen, some don't. But those who don't always remember after-the-fact that I tried to move them to a safer environment. Weather is weather, and anything can happen. But being a Vegas guy, I always try to play with the odds in my favor. If any substantial news comes up in the next few days, I'll try to update those of you who use me as your weather source instead of CNN or the Weather Channel (like THEY would know anything!).

Snakes On A Plane (sort of)

Customs officers in Norway were amazed to find 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to a man's body last Sunday. The unidentified man was arrested after disembarking a ferry from Denmark. Norwegian Officials say he was trying to illegally import the reptiles into the country. "I've seen a lot of things in my time," said Customs agent Olie Bjornsen, "but I'm amazed that he could stand having live reptiles moving all over him like that." His bounty of illegal pets was discovered after agents had found a tarantula in his luggage, prompting a full body search. When questioned why the tarantula was in his bag, I'm guessing her probably said something like "Well, where would you THINK I'd keep a tarantula? You'd have to be an idiot to strap a tarantula to yourself. Ewwww!!" Plead insanity, dude. It's your only shot.

An Oxford Ohio man found himself in big trouble on Halloween night. Police stopped James P. Miller, age 20, for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. Oxford police said when they stopped Miller, they found multiple open beer cans in his front seat, with plenty more in the trunk. The accused DUI driver blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test, almost double the legal limit in Ohio, and he was cited on numerous charges including also having a fake ID in his possession. While this case is sadly too common, the reason I mentioned it is because of the costume Miller was wearing at the time of his arrest.

He was dressed as a Breathalyzer machine.
Be careful what you wish for, son...

Hang On Soupy!

2009-10-23T09:29:00.005-04:00

I wish he still COULD hang on, but unfortunately TV funny-man Soupy Sales died last night, at the age of 83. I was fortunate enough to grow up in the 50's and 60's, when TV was still experimenting, trying to find its footing, what it was and what it could be. Very un-like the trite formulas, copycat re-writing and animated everything that's out there now. As a boy, all I wanted to do was GET OUT OF SCHOOL and go play. Didn't matter if it was baseball, football, exploring sewers, throwing stuff at other stuff, it was just the best part of every day. In fact, it was hard to even get me to come in for dinner, if there was still light outside. But there was one thing that got me to come in. The Soupy Sales Show. Corny, crazy, and WAY more adult than most parents realized, there was something about this guy that just made you laugh out loud. Unfortunately, he got a little too "adult" on his live broadcast a couple of times, and parental complaints led to it going off the air prematurely. Soupy later tried his hand at film (Birds Do It), and had a few stints on game shows where the next generation became mildly aware of him, but unless you witnessed the creativity and daring of his live comedy show, you never really saw him at his best. Or worst, depending on your point of view. Most girls never got Soupy Sales. Like they don't get The 3 Stooges. That's ok though, because most guys never got The Brady Bunch or Family Affair. But for pure wackiness or zaniness (the amount of wack or zane in your humor), Soupy Sales ruled.

Now that I'm on the subject of my youth, I'll list my favorite TV shows from my formative years so you can get an idea of why I am who I am today. These are not necessarily in the order I would rank them. But I'll tell you my favorite show of all time was The Fugitive with David Janssen. Absolutely the best-cast lead role of all time. My faves:

The Fugitive
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Combat!
Twilight Zone
The Ed Sullivan Show (Beatles)
Ben Casey
Green Acres
The Soupy Sales Show
Any 3 Stooges that was not a movie
Streets Of San Francisco
Your Show Of Shows (Sid Caesar)
Mission Impossible

and...a few years later:

Monty Python's Flying Circus

Yeah, I watched I Love Lucy, Gunsmoke, Flipper, Wagon Train, Dick Van Dyke or whatever else my parents had on the screen, but those were just things to watch. The ones that set the tone for my sense of humor, drama and that helped mold my personality were the biggies on that list. The night The Beatles played on Ed Sullivan changed the course of my life forever. That night I became a musician, which led to getting a job years later working on a cruise ship, and now I'm here. Thank you Paul, John, George and Ringo - it's been quite a ride. My favorite "stupid comedy" of all time is Green Acres, and my favorite character was farm agent Hank Kimball, who was played by a man named Alvy Moore. One day I was working as a Purser on Carnival's "Tropicale" out of Los Angeles, and was in the main lounge helping sell tour tickets. Off to my right, I heard a voice buying shore excursions, and I immediately looked over and said "I know you - you're Alvy Moore!" The man had a stunned look on his face, and came over to talk to me after the tour sales had concluded. He said "Actually, my name is Jack Moore but when I became an actor somebody was already using that name, so I had to become Alvy Moore. But normally people come up and call me Hank Kimball - how did you know my real name?" I explained that he was my favorite character, and it's just one of those things I knew and remembered. He introduced me to his wife, and for the next few days I was able to hang out with him on the ship, have a couple of beers together, and just talk about stuff. That was very cool. It's also a bit strange that my two favorite TV characters ever were Hank Kimball and Dr. Richard Kimble.

Some things never change. And there are others that do, but probably shouldn't. According to the Honolulu Advertiser newspaper, a woman filed paperwork to have her name legally changed. Her name was Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanihenoheno Kam Paghmani, which she felt was uncomfortably long. Imagine that! She filed to change it to Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanihenoheno Kam, dropping the surname Paghmani. Now that's progress.
You go, girlfriend.

What about BOB?

2009-10-21T15:25:00.005-04:00

My last name is Birthisel. My Dad had the good fortune to be born into a family of comedians, who without hesitation hung the name Prescott Ariel Birthisel on him. He lived with it for about 20 years, but upon joining the Coast Guard his drill instructor asked him his name. "Prescott Ariel Birthisel, SIR!" came the sharp reply. Sharper yet was the drill instructor's comeback:

"That's not the name of a human, son. That sounds like a goat. Prescott Ariel Birthisel just ate my shoes. You are a human, son, although I might question that with a last name of Birthisel. Whenever I need you, I'm going to just say 'Bert' and you will respond. Is that understood? From this day forward you are Bert. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

Apparently so, because from that day forward he WAS Bert, allowing only the occasional relative such as his Mother to call him Prescott. When Dad married Mom, his first words to her were "If we have sons they'll be Bill and Bob, and if we have daughters they'll be Mary and Sue." Oh, did I mention he had an Aunt Anasthasia Keppleblossom Birthisel? Yeah, Mary and Sue ought to solve that little life-dilemma. Turns out, no girls every popped into the picture, just Bill and Bob as advertised. It still leaves me with my twisted little mind, so that when someone asks my name and I say Bob Birthisel, and they say "spell that," I always say B-O-B. The reason I brought it up in the first place is because celebrities these days seem to go out of their way to find a name that will live in infamy for their kids. Gwyneth Paltrow seemed to think Apple sounded like a nice human name. Michael Jackson has Blanket. Nicklaus Cage named his son Kal-El (the Kryptonian name for the guy we know as Superman). Jason Lee of "My Name Is Earl" has a young'un named Pilot Inspektor and no, that's not misspelled. Did you know David Duchovny and Tea Leoni had a kid? Yep...named him Kyd. Sylvester Stallone must have been re-living his Rambo years when he named his child Sage Moonblood. Kind of makes Prescott Ariel Birthisel sound sing-songy in the grand scheme of things. Well, now there's Nicole Ritchie who decided 3 names certainly were not enough for her sprout, Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Sparrow. For a little boy. A little boy who is absolutely certain to get the crud kicked out of him, every day of his life until he learns to go by James (Midnight won't fare much better than Sparrow). I had to Google a picture of a sparrow, just to see why that name might fit. Just a non-descript gray-and-brown little bird. Certain birds work as names for humans. Raven works well for girls with jet-black hair. Hawk sounds kind of tough. Just about everyone knows someone named Jay. But Sparrow? I don't get it. I'm guessing if Nicole's Dad Lionel Ritchie had used a drunken sense of humor, and named her Octoberspicket Pansy Foofaw Witchy Ritchie, her sons wouldn't be going through this. Bill and Bob, they'd be...

In case you still have thoughts of getting away before the end of 2009, you'll be pleasantly surprised that while the Dow has passed 10,000, cruise prices have dipped to near-historic lows for last-minute travelers. Even Christmas and New Year's cruises that are normally 2-3 times the standard price are offering some respite on pricing. Not necessarily if you need a "special" cabin that holds 4 or 5 people, but I'm still seeing very fair double occupancy rates out there, almost across the board. They won't last long, though. So if you still have that get-outta-town Jones poking at you, pick up your phone and call The Cap'n.

HALLOWEEN XVII- Jason, is that you?!

In Los Angeles, it's not uncommon for people to go all-out decorating their homes or apartments for special occasions. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and in particular Halloween will draw lots of creative people out of the woodwork, trying to spice up the neighborhood. Ghosts and ghouls and ghastly sights are the norm in October. But neighbors in one area of LA were transfixed by the realism of a balcony display, as they walked their puppies or jogged around the block. There he was, a scraggly gray corpse drooped over in a chair, with "blood" flowing down the side of his face in the spookiest way. Lots of people commented on it, and told their friends to check it out. After 4 days passed, there was a strange, ever-so-bad smell that started to permeate the neighborhood. Upon closer inspection, passers-by realized it was the actual body of a 75-year-old man, who had been decorating the balcony for Halloween, when he apparently got into the spirit a bit too much and shot himself in the head. Authorities were called, and have ruled the death an apparent suicide. Not sure what's going to happen with the 5 unopened bags of candy found inside his aparment, but maybe Sparrow can come over and hand out packets of birdseed.

VACATION, All I Ever Wanted!

2009-10-08T08:27:00.003-04:00

Never a big fan of the GoGo's in the 80's, but that classic line really stands out today. USAToday on line has an interesting article today, called the "Great Airline Sale of 2009 may be nearing an end." It's talking about how hard the airline industry was hit during the recession, and many carriers threw open their arms, welcoming travelers to book at money-losing ticket prices. As an example, Southwest was running a deal for $99 each way, to just about anywhere they flew. Now that has slowly crept up to $149 each way. Do the math, and waiting for a better deal has already cost you $100 per person. Other airlines are following suit with the rate increases, gently edging prices upward, in at least an attempt at regaining some of their former profitability. That means the vacation you've postponed, waiting for prices to go even lower, is just about to pull the welcome mat out from under you! Don't worry, it's not too late, if you pick up the phone to call me, or point and click your mouse to email me (or for those of you who are super-cool with the mouse-less keyboard, just rub and aim and press or whatever you do to contact somebody). Bottom line, I deal with a number of wholesalers who still have "bulk" air prices available to high-tourism destinations, when combined with a hotel stay. These bulk prices are often LOWER than what's available to the general public who tries to piece together a flight and hotel vacation. But availability is tightening, there's no doubt about that. Every day you sit and wait for the next big thing, it's putting you another day behind the proverbial 8-Ball, and costing you your hard-earned cash. Hotels, resorts and cruise ships all have wonderful price breaks going on, so VACATION is still within your grasp. Free nights, discount rates, extra amenities, spa and golf credits, you name it and they're offering it. Biblically speaking, "This too shall pass!" None of the hotels, ships etc. wants to give their product away long-term, so while the marketplace is working in your favor, you need to drop what you're doing and drop some coin on a vacation. Your wife or husband or kids or grandparents or whomever will love you for it! Don't have any of the above? Traveling single? Even more important to call now. When traveling as a single, you're always paying a premium or supplement, and this type of hotel/resort/cruise special pricing puts money right back in your pocket by lowering your overall cost. And many of the best deals are for people who can get up and go before the end of 2009. Once the Holiday Season and Old Man Winter hits, all bets are off. People who live in Northern states and Canada will pay anything to get warm, and the suppliers know that! It's called High Season, and it comes every year. So take advantage of getting away before the Holiday Season, before the big ball drops in Times Square, and you'll save the most money possible on your VACATION - Isn't that all you ever wanted?

Mmmmmm....Guppy Tartar

According to Police in California, a woman recently had a spat with her ex-husband, after he took back some jewelry he had given her. When he refused to return the jewelry, police say the woman took matters into her own hands. Then into her own stomach. The ex-husband returned home, and found that his 7 pet goldfish were missing. He called Police, saying he was sure his ex was to blame for the disappearance of the golden guppies. When officers went to the woman's house to confront her, she didn't deny it at all, saying only "They're in the kitchen." That's where officers found 4 of the 7 goldfish, fried on a plate with some French fries and a side salad. When asked where the other 3 were, she calmly replied, "I already ate those." After further investigation, Police say no charges will be filed, because the fish were purchased when the two people were still a couple, and thus are considered community property.

In a related story, McDonald's is looking for ways to add Fishy McBites to their .99cent super-value menu. Coincidence?

Blanketty Blanc!

2009-10-07T12:14:00.006-04:00

While my blog normally emphasizes travel-related items or bizarre niche comedy, sometimes I just want to become One with the Universe. Today is one of those days. If you've read my autobiographical material on here (and OF COURSE you already have, because I'm so interesting), you know that music is an important part of my life. Having been a musician for years, I've railed against the fact that most music died a painful death years ago, when rap and hip-hop took over from melody and harmony. But I still visit one of my favorite websites, http://www.melodicrock.com/ for the latest rock news and CD reviews, and over the years I've discovered a lot of unknown talent - at least unknown in the USA. Two of my favorite bands, Gotthard from Switzerland, and House Of Lords (actually from LA!) were among the gems plucked from this site. Today, there's another. Two very unassuming-looking brothers from the west coast of France, Robbie and Brian LeBlanc. The name of their band is the BLANC FACES, and they write impeccably-crafted songs, with excellent storytelling lyrics, unexpected melody and rhythm patterns, surprisingly-catchy vocals, super-tight backup musicians, and nobody's ever heard of them in the US. Well, let's change that! They have a CD out from 2005 that received excellent critical reviews in Europe, and a new CD is coming in November of 2009. It will be called "Falling From The Moon." Here is a link to watch the title track on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qACZAcyq0pI (crank it up)

My normal lean is towards a heavier rock side, but when I see talent like this I stand up and take notice. I'll be all over the new CD when it breaks, and you should be able to pick it up on Ebay or Amazon, if your local store doesn't carry it. Their bandmembers collectively have worked with such artists as Toto, John Mellencamp, Survivor, Bobbie Kimball and Ronnie Spector, to name a few. Unknown, unheard, but really GOOD STUFF from Blanc Faces!

Chalk One Up For High-Tech:

Police in Oklahoma City confirm that 3 people tried to rob a suburban apartment over the weekend, but were foiled from halfway around the World. Maribel Chouinard, the wife of a Tinker Air Force Base Master Sergeant, is living in the Philippines while her husband is currently stationed State-side in Oklahoma. She happened to check the webcam the couple uses to communicate, and saw 3 men burglarizing their home. She immediately called her husband, who in turn called Police Chief Brandon Clabes, and officers were able to nab the suspects, who were found near the apartment with numerous items from the home when they arrived. Chief Clabes says all three were identified via the internet, from a photo lineup e-mailed to Mrs. Chouinard in the Philippines. Book 'em, Danno.

I said, "Thou Shalt Not" and I MEANT it!

Police in New Brighton, PA (near Pittsburgh) said a woman attending a church service there put a forged $50 check in the offering plate. The bank told the Pastor of First Presbyterian Church in New Brighton that the check he deposited came back, having come from a stolen checking account. Immediately after that same church service, another member of the congregation reported her wallet had been taken, apparently right out of the pew where she had been seated. New Brighton police Chief Charles Van Fossan said Tuesday they have a description of the suspect, and they're searching for a 20-something-year-old woman. The suspect appears to have also used a credit card from the stolen wallet, to buy $200 worth of merchandise from a nearby dollar store (if my math is right, that's 200 items). Police said the woman matches the description of a suspect who stole a credit card from another church a week earlier, and tried to get a $16,000 cash advance. The bank declined her request. Forget about the Po-Lice. This loser will be answering to a Higher Power down the road. Good luck with that, Nadine...

WINGS -- $50 Each?

2009-10-04T07:15:00.007-04:00

That would sound absurd if we were talking about chicken wings, even if they were from Frank & Teresa's Anchor Bar, the original Buffalo, NY home of the hot wing (and MAN are they good!). Even more absurd would be if, in this crazy atmosphere of airline fees, that was an add-on to your ticket price, to make sure your plane actually had wings. "You DO want to get off the ground, don't you?" We may not be far from that, particularly if Ryanair has any say-so in the matter. I've denounced airline add-ons that border on insanity, and Ryanair, the low-cost carrier servicing Europe, leads the pack. They are a bare-bones operation based in Ireland & The UK, and even though you may not know their name, you probably heard about an airline charging to use the restroom. Ryanair. Most people thought it was a joke, but the brainchildren at Ryanair are constantly trying to extract the most money possible, while still pretending to fly under the label "low-cost." This time instead of your typical add-on fees, they've created a new penalty. Penalties have a historical basis, such as airlines charging for overweight fliers, whose hips and "surroundings" spill over from 1 seat into another, being forced to buy that additional seat. Ryanair, as always, takes things to another level, with a penalty aimed directly at Senior Citizens and poor people trying to travel. That might sound ludicrous, but the details bear it out. Ryanair's latest move is to REQUIRE all passengers to check-in online. It doesn't matter if you happen to be in your 70's, 80's or 90's and don't own a computer. Or if you happen to be poor, and maybe you're only flying because a relative is dying or to attend a funeral, but you don't own a computer due to financial hardship. There are lots of scenarios, and while it's true most public libraries have computers, not everyone lives in or near a city, or has easy access to a library. I guarantee you people like my Mom who is 87, don't even know where the On/Off switch is on a computer. REQUIRED by Ryanair. You're probably asking yourself how big a deal is the penalty for NOT checking in online? Unbelievable. People coming to the airport without going online will be assessed, and I'm quoting here, an "EMERGENCY CHECK-IN FEE" of $40L (British Pounds), which is equal to about $64 US. They're calling it a "ticket re-issue" fee, which is not even true. We're talking about E-Tickets, as in E for electronic. No ticket was ever issued, so how could there be a re-issue fee? As crazy as that sounds, it gets worse.
The $64 is EACH WAY! Hopefully there will be enough tirades and bad publicity for Ryanair, that they will quickly drop this ridiculous idea. The UK media is blasting them from all sides already.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Just in case any of you thought, "Well, it serves people right who are stuck in the 20th century. They need to just figure out how to get to a computer, and they could have checked in online for free." You forgot one important point. We're talking Ryanair. No, if you do the REQUIRED online check-in, just like needing to use the lavatory onboard their planes, nothing is free. There is a $5L Pound fee (about $8 US) just for logging on to their website to do your required check-in! And yes, that thought that just popped into your head is correct - that $8 US required online check-in fee is EACH WAY! For all my customers who travel to Europe, I'll leave you with this: There is right, and there is wrong.
Ryanair is wrong: Boycott them.

Earlier in the blog I mentioned chicken, and unlike Buffalo where chicken makes people happy, in Boston it makes some people sad. Or worse. Earlier this week, a couple in line at Kentucky Fried Chicken started complaining, because the people in front of them were moving too slowly with their orders. The two became incensed and started yelling profanities, as if that were going to speed up the decision between extra crispy or original recipe. Another customer asked them to please stop with the verbal assault, for the sake of the children in line. According to Boston Police, 31-year-old Jared Garfagna then punched the man in the head, and his girlfriend, 24-year-old Sara Mohn, kicked the victim when he fell to the ground. Both were arrested and charged with assault and battery. The victim had cuts on his eyelid and wrists but refused medical treatment at the scene. I guess the moral to the story is....eh....no, there is no moral to the story. But when in Boston, stick to burgers. And maybe the drive-through.

Things weren't much better in Columbus, Ohio this week. 80-year-old Ralph Needs was the victim of a recent home invasion, where he was tied up and pistol-whipped by at least 3 intruders, who broke into his house. Mr. Needs' nose was broken and his pickup truck, computer and credit cards were stolen. After conferring with his sons, he decided it was time to take a self-defense course, and buy a gun for protection. During the self-defense lesson this week, Mr. Needs' new 9mm pistol went off as one of his sons was loading it, shooting Ralph in the hand. Groveport, Ohio Police have ruled the case as an accident, and no charges will be filed. Mr. Needs is resting at home. Boston might be safer. Maybe Ryanair can fly you there...

The Final Frontier...or maybe not.

2009-10-02T12:28:00.003-04:00

Congratulations to Frontier Airlines, who is emerging from bankruptcy out West. Many of my clients near the Rockies have been nervous, hoping Frontier didn't go under for good, since their low-cost business model has helped hold down travel costs for them. True there's always Southwest Airline, but they don't fly everywhere and Frontier at least keeps them honest. Here on the East Coast, we could use a little more competition to hold down prices, and Charlotte seems to always be on the higher end of things since it's a USAirways hub. That's why so much of what I sell is a "package deal" that includes discounted airfare along with a discounted hotel. Even though the stock market has come roaring back over the last 6 months, there are still some nice travel bargains out there when you package flights and hotels together. DID YOU KNOW, on occasion, it's cheaper to buy a package than it is just the airline tickets? Even if you don't really need a hotel. It's true. That's something I can help locate for you, when it's available.

For anyone who can travel on short notice, this has been an incredibly calm hurricane season (which is winding down to its final month anyway), so grab that Visa card and call me. Let's see if we can't still find you a quick getaway to Florida or The Caribbean at a bargain price this year!

A funny thing happened to me in Vegas last week. I've always enjoyed watching greyhounds race, and happen to know my stuff when it comes to wagering (plus I'm a firm believer in greyhound adoption programs, once their racing days are over). While cashing some football winners at The Venetian, I noticed a greyhound race was coming up and asked if they had a program. They did, and after careful consideration I bet the 8-7-2 trifecta and exacta box. Easy win....the only 3 good dogs in the race. So I was a bit stunned at the end of the race to see it finish 4-5-1. And while all 3 of those dogs were....well, DOGS, somehow the public had been betting them as favorites, and not betting the dogs I liked. Huh? I've picked puppies for 30+ years, and something struck me as odd that my dogs never even competed. So I waited for the official results, and the presentation of the winner. When his name came up on the screen, and the names of the 2nd and 3rd place finishers, I was startled. I walked over to the Casino Manager and told him the wrong dogs won the race. He said "Sir, that's gambling - you never know who's going to win." I politely said, "I understand that, but I'm saying the WRONG DOGS won the race! Look at the program." To his amazement, Race 8 at Palm Beach had 8 dogs listed (including the ones I bet on), but the names of the 3 dogs that finished 1-2-3 were different names than what appeared in the program! He looked and looked, and suddenly said "Charlie - throw all these programs out. The cover says Monday, but all the races inside were the dogs from Sunday! The track screwed up when they sent them to us." Nobody else had caught it, that the racing forms they had were all from the wrong day. But I've got a nose for greyhounds, and enough savvy to know something was up. He couldn't give me my money back on the bets I had made by Nevada law, but instead he gave me a $25 "comp" meal at the restaurant, which I felt was fair. At least I broke even and proved a point, that when it comes to watching greyhounds, I know my pups! By the way, I highly recommend the Spaghetti Carbonara with a side order of snap peas, if you're ever at Venetian's Grand Luxe Cafe, whether you have a $25 voucher or not. Double-doggie-delicious!

As much as I like to gamble, I rarely if ever play the Lottery. Years ago in Florida, I bought $10 worth of tickets every week for about 9 months, and finally hit 3 numbers. Paid just under $7. As a former math major, it didn't take long to figure that chasing the lollipop made me a sucker. During recent courtroom proceedings in Kansas, former radio executive Paul W. Lyle admitted he had embezzled an estimated $88,000 from his employer, American Media Investments, to support his addiction to scratch-off lottery tickets. During his preliminary hearing, he received notification that he had actually won the grand prize in a 2nd-chance drawing, including a boat, NASCAR tickets and lots of cash, with a total value of $96.000. Prosecutors say the prize money will go toward paying restitution to his former employer. Lyle pleaded guilty, and will be sentenced Nov. 30th, with his conviction carrying a range of 5 to 17 months in prison. Sounds like his lottery luck wasn't a heck of a lot better than mine! Dude - take up greyhound racing, and CALL ME!

Isn't technology great?

Some of the new phone systems will do everything you want them to, and MORE. More as in, doing some things you DON'T want them to! Case in point is Martin Tennessee Middle School, in the Western part of the state. Their new phone system has a feature, which allows the Principal's Office to send out an automated call at 9 a.m. each day, to notify families whose children are absent that they have been marked as such for the day. The theory was that if kids were truant, a.k.a. "playing hooky" without the parent's knowledge, this would provide a fantastic service to them, thanks to Ma Bell and the super-cool new phone system. Eh, maybe not so much. WCMT Radio in Martin reported that when the truancy call went out on Wednesday, it accidentally went to the parents of all 475 students at the school! Principal Nate Holmes said dozens of anxious parents called or showed up immediately after the incident, many fearing their kids were either truant (bad news) or kidnapped (worse news). The school quickly sent out another call, explaining there had been an electronic communications error. Principal Holmes went on to say the new phone system isn't as "user friendly" as the old one....

Trial And Error

2009-09-29T15:03:00.002-04:00

There's a saga going on in the sleepy village of St. John's, the capital of the Caribbean island of Antigua. Some people pronounce it an-TEE-Gwa. Those people are wrong. Forget that there's a "U" in the name - the U is silent and it's pronounced an-TEE-Ga by the locals, and anyone in-the-know. The ongoing saga stems from an incident involving a handful of cruise ship passengers, who instead of taking the organized ship's tours decided they could do it cheaper and better on their own. Those people were wrong, too. They thought they had made a verbal agreement with a cab driver, to take them to the beach and bring them back again. When they got back to the ship, though, the passengers found out the dollar figure he had quoted them was "each way" and not round-trip. Words and unpleasantries were exchanged, and the cab driver, with passengers still in tow, sped away from the pier to what was supposedly a back entrance to the Police Station. Here's where the story gets grainy. The local Police claim that when they came out to confront the situation, the passengers started fighting them, and things quickly spiraled out of control. The passengers claim the Constables and Policemen were all dressed in plain clothes, and because they couldn't see the front of the Police Station, they thought they were just being taken to an alley and mugged, so they fought back to defend themselves. Needless to say, it's not solely on the island of Antigua where fisticuffs with the local Police will land you in a heap of hot water! All of the cruise passengers involved were arrested, and brought to trial. The actual incident happened weeks ago, but the trial drags on daily, with continuous testimony of he-said, she-said, with no end currently in sight. The nature of this confrontation and ensuing political theater has spooked other cruise passengers, and even the biggest cruise line in the world, Carnival. They just announced they are dropping Antigua as a port of call starting in January, replacing it with the half-Dutch, half-French island of St. Maarten. While there are clearly no winners here, there are definitely some major losers:

> The cruise passengers involved, some of whom have lost their jobs back home and are being eaten alive by judicial expenses. Not to mention whatever crawls on the floor of an Antiguan prison cell.

> The Police and government of Antigua, for allowing things to get to this point and the mis-handling of foreign visitors, if in fact the Policemen were plain-clothes and failed to properly identify themselves during the confrontation (as is claimed by the defendants).

> Local businesses and the innocent people of Antigua, who stand to lose hundreds of thousands if not millions of tourism dollars. Once cruise ships pull out over this type of thing, they're not coming back in 6 months. It may be 6 years, or it might not happen again for decades.

I can think of a number of Caribbean islands who, from a combination of greed, attitude and failure to provide safety to foreign visitors, have bitten the bullet for a very long time. Martinique flies to the forefront. Used to be a constant cruise ship favorite, and now has fallen off the radar. There are others who served a multi-year penance, and are slowly climbing back into favor. St. Croix is an example - even though it's part of the US and the largest of the US Virgin Islands, they went for 7+ years with no stops. Lovely Trinidad has had enough political upheaval to last it for a couple of centuries, and the major cruise lines have stayed away in droves because of it. Even a super-popular island such as Jamaica has its issues. Cruise lines stop on the Northern shore, in either Ocho Rios or Montego Bay, but nobody wants to tread anywhere near the capital city of Kingston. Burn me once, burn me twice. With the lawsuit-happy traveling public, it's simply not worth the risk for publicly-traded companies like the cruise lines to risk their reputations.

The other day I posted about those wacky Brits, and now they're at it again! Seems they are just as scared of the H1N1 virus, a.k.a. swine flu, as the rest of the world. They're even trying to look out for the prisoners in their penal system, by replacing the soap dispensers in the prison and giving the inmates bottles of hand sanitizer, such as "Purell" to avoid catching the disease. Well, if you know anything about hand sanitizers, it's not the floral scent in them that kills the germs - it's alcohol. Prison officials are now having to re-think their priorities, when guards found numerous inmates drunk and disorderly, after drinking their bottles of hand wash. I guess their thoughts were "Hey - the germs are tryin' to get IN me, not ON me!!"

I said SIT DOWN! That'll be $96 bucks, please.

2009-09-27T11:08:00.003-04:00

Oh those wacky Brits. It's always something, isn't it? Apparently they've been watching U.S. airlines gouging passengers on baggage fees and other surcharges, to the tune of 3.8 billion dollars so far in 2009, and decided they'd get in on the fun. In the latest episode of "So You Think You Can Fly Cheap," British Airways announced this week that while it's true you are required by law to sit when they tell you to (and fasten that ingenious little safety belt), now that required action will cost you. Big time. You can still go onto British Airways' website 24 hours in advance, and get yourself an assigned seat free. If there are any. However, if you want to know where you're sitting, or if you'll actually be sitting with your wife, kids, etc. - EVEN IN FIRST CLASS - you'd better open that wallet wide and say "Ahhhhhhhhh." If you're riding in coach, a pre-assigned seat will cost you the equivalent of $16 U.S. dollars in each direction if you're flying just within Europe. Going across the Atlantic, or other long-haul flight? Double or nothing, Baby - that's $32 U.S. each direction. And that's if you don't need any of those "special" seats, like a bulkhead or an exit row. You know, the ones everybody loves because they give you extra leg room? Yeah, those are $90 U.S. And how about the people who have already paid hundreds or thousands of dollars extra to sit in First Class? No exemptions there, my friends. Long-haul flights will cost $96 U.S., in addition to the already-heinous upgrade fee. Smart marketing would just add $96 onto the First Class rate, and point out that "If you fly First Class with us, there are no advanced seating charges!" But that would only make sense. Doesn't sound like common sense is anywhere near overtaking greed in this instance. Of course, the response from the airline is that they're already losing money by the bucket-load, and these are simply measures aimed at making the airline profitable. It truly sets the precedent for the consumer's biggest question, WHAT'S NEXT?!

Thank you for traveling on British Airways today. We hope after you've paid your ticket price, you're comfortable in your $32 seat. We also hope the 2 bags you checked for your 2-week vacation in Jamaica are comfortable in their $75, 3-foot-square space in the cargo hold. Flight attendants will be coming around with your $26 buckles, to place on your $19 seat belts so they will latch. Flight attendants will be serving $8 soft drinks and $13 beers once we get to altitude. By the way, speaking of altitude, the Pilot will be sending the flight attendants around with a collection plate, to collect the $37 "take off" fee, plus $10 for every 10,000 feet we have to climb. About 20 minutes before arrival, they will be around again for the $5 descent tax and the $50 "landing fee". For those of you who are a little sheepish about flying, you can upgrade that to a "SAFE landing fee" for only $33 additional. While in flight, when the seatbelt sign has been turned off, feel free to use the lavatories on board. The door will open when you insert $20 into the payment slot, and as a courtesy there is NO CHARGE for coming out when you're done. However, please note the paper seat-protectors are $3, the soap-and-paper-towel combo after use is just $5, and our "Event Special" is toilet paper at just $2 per 4-inch-square sheet. Single-ply and wafer-thin, just the way you'd expect from us. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy your flight and thank you for supporting what's left of British Airways.

Boys Will Be Boys....It's A Shame They Can't Be MEN!

2009-09-10T05:57:00.003-04:00

If you're an American, regardless of which party you support, last night was an important night for our Country. In fact, if you are a human it was an important night. The basic human right of getting care when you are sick was on the agenda, and there was an attempt by our collective President to refresh the dialogue. Not President Of The Democrats, but President Of The United States Of America. He had the misfortune of living in an age when reason has been replaced by tantrums. Enlightenment has been replaced by "get that spotlight over here on ME ME ME!" Anyone who reads this blog knows I had serious issues with GW Bush, but if I had met the man I still would have respected the Office Of The Presidency and the man , and it would have been "Yes Sir" and "No Sir" and "Thank You Sir" any time I spoke. What America and the World witnessed last night was proof that not only is our health care system broken, but the United States government is teetering on the brink of becoming gladiator sport. It's all about photo ops. It's all about representing, but gangsta-style, not representing WE THE PEOPLE any more. It's all about being louder than your adversary. You know what it is getting to be? Pro Wrestling. If it weren't for Secret Service protection, you could almost envision one of the dissenters coming off the top rope, with a folding chair right across the President's back. Whenever we see a new low for our elected representatives, trust me it's a new low for all of us. Every man, woman and child. All of us should be incensed at the lack of civility afforded the highest office our Country owns, period. Sure we have free speech. That's not the point. The USA has been a shining beacon to other countries for over 230 years, and for literally centuries we have tried to lead the World by example. The New Example we are setting is embarrassing, before ourselves and the World we live in.

Free speech technically allows you to walk up to someone on a crowded street, that you don't find particularly attractive, and yell out "You are SO UGLY! HEY EVERYBODY, get a load of this - have you ever seen anyone so incredibly UGLY?" Page forward: What if the object of such derision was, say, a 5 year old girl? "Man, you are the UGLIEST LITTLE GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN! Hey everybody, take a gander at this horrible looking kid, WOW!" There you have it. Freedom of Speech 101, right? We can say anything we want to say, any time we want to say it, because we are US Citizens and our Constitution says we can. If you were in the crowd witnessing that sort of "freedom" just ask yourself - would it make you proud to be an American, or would you be appalled beyond belief? That freedom on the edge of the dark side is exactly what we witnessed last night, broadcast "live" around the World. Our elected leadership, on both sides of the aisle, should be held accountable for actions that mis-represent the electorate. Don't you expect better? Don't you think the Founders of our Constitution expected better, then and for all time moving forward? I will tell you I voted for Mr. Obama, but had voted as a registered Republican my entire life including GW Bush his first term. So I'm not playing favorites here - if any President Of The United States were shown the disrespect Prez O (and YOU The People) were shown last night, I would be equally upset. Personally, I love this Land and the freedoms we all hold dear. I'm just calling on each person out there, who sees their misbehaving, tantrum-throwing Congressional representation humiliating them, to hold your lawmakers and delegates accountable for bad behavior. We're no longer talking about Free Speech 101. We're talking Parenting 101. If boys continue to be boys, the only solution is for the citizens to vote Men (or Women) into office to replace them. Our system is adversarial, and was established that way from the beginning, but with basic civil rights and civilities and respect. Grow up, boys. Or go to your room without supper.

Normally I try to include some funnies with my blog, or some travel tips, but this morning I'm feeling a little more subdued, because I take being an American very seriously. Hopefully the readers of my blog do as well. If not, you go on about your day....go on now. Shoo.

Debate-And-Switch

2009-09-04T08:50:00.006-04:00

Just when you think our Fine American Democracy has been beaten and battered to the ground, somebody digs a hole and plants it even further down. I feel whether you're in the USA, Canada, Guatemala, Uzbekistan, or wherever there are people: if someone is sick they should have a basic human right of treatment. It's not socialism, it's called HUMANITY, derived from the words "human" and "sanity" if I'm not mistaken. But ever since politics became a nationally-televised event over the last couple of decades, with countless left and right-sided proponents filling the airwaves 24/7, reason has unfortunately fallen by the wayside. I would submit we're closer to treason than reason in some of these debates. Town hall meetings? Not really. They're photo-ops. They're diving platforms for the loud and louder to perform a cannonball from 50 feet, splashing the unwitting American public with their backwash. Nowadays, people can bring guns openly to political events, even when government representatives (including The President) are there. These people say they are proclaiming their 2nd Amendment rights. I call it BRANDISHING their 2nd Amendment rights, but at some point it becomes obscenity. What a load. You can't yell fire in a crowded theater. We're about an inch away from somebody putting a gun to someone's head in a public forum, and claiming 2nd amendment rights to do so. Those aren't rights - those are WRONGS when they're used in an overtly menacing way. When we fazed out the 60's, I was hoping I had seen the last of the truly radical movements, but they're still out there. A bit more disguised as the common man, but equipped with the same tunnel-vision mentality. Radical left. Radical right. Radical extremist. Radical (insert any religion here). If you look closely, there's one common bond in every description, and it's sad we can't just get along as a human race.

So why am I on my soapbox today? Because of another incident at a town hall-like meeting last night in California. Lucky for the "stars" of this episode that guns weren't involved, but one person still bit off more than he could chew. According to CNN, 65-year old William Rice was across the street from a health reform rally last night in Thousand Oaks, CA. Some time during the festivities, words were exchanged and Mr. Rice claims an unidentified man came running towards him yelling, "You're an idiot. You're an idiot." Ok, let's stop the movie! What Mr. Rice did NOT tell CNN was what he was doing or saying that resulted in the unnamed man coming after him. However, a spokesperson for the Ventura County Sherriff's Office says Rice was a counter-demonstrator, who was at the rally not by accident, but by choice. Paid or not, that has yet to be determined. Back to the movie! So as Mr. Unnamed approaches our "innocent bystander," Mr. Rice did the only proudly-American thing he could think of: he threw the first punch, catching the man flush on the nose with an overhand right (by the way, it's up to you, the reader to determine if the words "overhand right" have any further symbolism). Mr. Rice's justification was equally all-American: "If I hadn't hit him first, he'd have hit me." See President Bush? You DID have a lasting impact on our society after all! Anyway, a brouhaha ensued between the two men after the initial punch was thrown, and at some point a part of Mr. Rice's left hand wound up in the other man's mouth. Go figure. Mr. Unnamed apparently did the only all-American thing HE could think of as well, biting off the end of one of Mr. Rice's fingers. A short while after the fisticuffs had ended, Mr. Rice showed up at the Los Robles Hospital in Thousand Oaks, with the detached finger-portion in a cup of ice. He and the doctors discussed re-attaching the digit, but after a few minutes Mr. Rice told them to "keep it" and left the ER of his own accord. The hospital disposed of the stinky pinky and that was that. Now I don't know about you, but if I'm at an EMERGENCY ROOM, with TRAINED DOCTORS, and they have my DECAPITATED PINKY on ice, and can SEW IT BACK ON (albeit for a fee), my answer is
"Yes Sir & Madam & Thank You!" This brings up a really interesting topic. Mr. Rice was there to demonstrate against health care reform, right? So did he not have his finger sewn back on because....eh....maybe he doesn't have health insurance? Or it was too expensive? Maybe he was just afraid of being known as "digitally enhanced."

Note to Mr. Rice: It's not too late to change teams. There is no "trade deadline" and nobody will hold a grudge if you switch to the other side. In case you're not sure who that is exactly, we go under a single name. We don't have a city or nation in the title, like New York Jets or Manchester United or Team Korea. Nope, it's much simpler. We call ourselves Humanity.

Now that you've read my slam-for-the-day, you might think it's only Americans that have lost their minds. Au contraire, Mon Amie! Le French are just as, how-you-say, Fou and Folle cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. There are two neighboring suburbs of Paris, whose feuding mayors have each taken a bull-headed stance against the other. They have caused traffic chaos, by each declaring the same street as a one-way thoroughfare. How can that be a problem? The mayor of Levallois-Perret decided the street brought too much traffic through his town, so he made it a one-way road, sending cars EASTBOUND into neighboring Clichy-la-Garenne, whose mayor responded by declaring his section of the street one-way WESTBOUND back towards Levallois-Perret. The result has drivers unable to go left, right, or straight as they try to get around both towns. VIVE LA DIFFERENCE! At least nobody had their fingers bitten off. Yet.

Hey bargain shoppers! If you're thinking Europe is over and done with for 2009, you might be missing out on some last-minute savings. Especially if you have enough frequent flier miles to get there. The "shoulder" and "offseason" cruises in September and October are not completely full. In fact, some lines are offering Senior Discounts or Resident Rates (from specific states where they're trying to increase their business share). Some of these rates are hundreds of dollars per person below the standard pricing, as they're trying to fill up the remaining cabins on board. Just this week, I had someone whose Cabo San Lucas honeymoon was interrupted by Hurricane Jimena, and we were able to re-book them on a Greek Islands cruise with Royal Caribbean. Even though they didn't have any mileage to cash in, the cruise line was able to still get air for them, and off they go. That could be YOU! If you're getting the itch to travel, scratch it by calling The Cap'n. Go on now. Pick up the phone....I'm waiting....

Snatching De Feet From The Jaws Of.......Jaws

2009-09-03T15:35:00.003-04:00

Bum. Bum-bum. Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum! Anyone who remembers seeing "Jaws" in the movie theater hears that theme music in his or her head, whenever the water gets above waist deep in the ocean. So imagine what it was like for a Carnival passenger, who went missing overboard last night. Out there, bobbing along, totally alone with the thoughts and music inside his head, praying not to see a fin in the water. If that were me, I'd have simply died of fright - which is tough for an old seafarer like me to admit, but dang it I don't like being anybody's DINNER! Suddenly, though, a different song popped into his head. Give it to me, Elvis:

"That's The Wonder - The Wonder Of YOOOOUUUU!"

Remarkably, the overboard passenger was found alive today, by the Disney Wonder, roughly 17 miles out from Port Canaveral, Florida. Initially the floater wasn't seen, but his screams were heard from onboard the Disney ship. The Captain came on the intercom, and asked everyone to BE QUIET, so his crew could try to pinpoint the location. Shortly thereafter, he was rescued safe and sound. Carnival had reported the 34-year old man had jumped from a balcony, as witnessed by multiple people, but the ship's efforts to locate him failed last night. Witnesses said he had been arguing with a woman on board, and he threatened to jump overboard. Being the brain-surgeon type, the woman responded with the only words that seemed appropriate at the time, "Go ahead!" And so it goes.

OK, at this point I'd like to offer some constructive logic, for any of you guys out there who are potential cruisers in the future. Trust The Cap'n's experience here, boys:

1) You're on vacation - try not to get into heated arguments. Save that for home, if you must.

2) Don't ever threaten to jump off a cruise ship, and climb up on the rail

3) If your woman friend says "Go ahead!", you are not legally obligated to do it, in an effort to prove yourself insane or dead.

4) According to Wikipedia, as of yesterday there were approximately 6.782 billion people on Earth, roughly half of whom are non-men. Go gitcha another one. Maybe one with a vocabulary that extends beyond "Go ahead!"

This past week, USAirways raised their checked-baggage fees to match American Airlines. Now, Hawaiian Airlines says it is going to start charging checked-luggage fees on its inter-island flights. What other industry, that is struggling so badly to get people to use their product, continuously penalizes the client for doing so? And a worse penalty all the time, I might add. What's next? Here's a suggestion on what you should check the next time you get on a plane for a short getaway:

YOUR EGO!

Instead of traveling places and feeling like you have to have this many shoes, and this many shirts, and this many pants, here's an idea to beat the system. Stolen directly from the 3 Stooges file (thanks, Boys!). Put on 2 of everything. 3 if they're thin enough. Your carry-on can be an extra couple pairs of shoes, a little deodorant, and off you go! When you get where you're going, peel off some layers and iron them at the hotel. Hit Wal-Mart or Walgreen's and spend $10 in the "trial size" aisle. Done. Laugh out loud at the airlines, who for DECADES simply don't get it. Of course, you'll have to endure those "does he really have 3 shirts on?" looks when you're scooting in and out of the lavatory, but just offer up a big grin like "Yep, and with the money I saved on checked bags, I'll be eating filet mignon tonight while you're having strawberry pie at Denny's."

Remember Ms. "Go ahead!" from the earlier story? Well, believe it or not MEN can also be unpleasant. In fact, a Michigan woman may have recently had the worst first date ever, after her date failed to pay the bill on their date. Ok, that's not the whole story. The woman says the two had met at a local Casino, and she drove them to have dinner at a restaurant near Detroit. After the meal, the man said he had left his wallet in her car and asked for her keys.
As she waited for the man inside, she looked out the window and saw him speeding off in her vehicle! She immediately phoned police, and was able to give them a picture the man had sent her on her phone, which also had his telephone number and the message "call me." Subsequently, this genius was arrested, and he's now facing up to five years in jail.

Hey, nice view. AAAAUUUUUuuuggggggggghhhhhhhh!

Yeah, nice view. AAAAUUUUUUuuggggggghhhhhhhhh!

Chinese workers have covered a giant steel bridge with butter because so many people are using the bridge to commit suicide. Officials said they are "fed up with traffic jams, caused by people who slow down to watch victims leap to their death." In a single month, eight people jumped from the same bridge, with many more threatening to end their lives there. Workers were ordered to spread butter over all of the climbable surfaces, and it appears to be working. Officials say the last few potential jumpers have been caught before they could leap, as they struggled to get footing and make the climb. It's also proven to make the bridge much more enjoyably delicious, for any Chinese whose hobby it is to lick car-carrying structures...

Mr.Bill - Ohhh NOOOoooo!

2009-08-21T13:06:00.004-04:00

Don't worry, the lovable Play-Doh character from Saturday Night Live isn't in any danger. Neither is the US mainland, except for serious tides and rip-currents emanating from Mr. Bill's namesake Hurricane Bill, twisting away in the Atlantic. The little dot on your map that is Bermuda is also breathing a sigh of relief, as the storm is going to pass at least a couple of hundred miles away. No direct hit, and that's a good thing. Hurricanes and tropical storms are a way of life on this island nation, though they are no more immune than anywhere else to property damage, should they take a direct hit. Fortunately for them, it's been a while since they've seen and lived a monster. But in the dog days of August, with the Caribbean and Atlantic churning into action, it reminds you of WHY a good travel agent will recommend vacations or cruises outside the "hurricane belt" whenever possible. At least when it's the height of storm seasonality. For my clients whose vacation falls in that cross-hairs time of year, particularly July through October, I try to offer safe choices. Realistically speaking, nothing is 100% safe or weatherproof. Not Aruba, not Costa Rica, not Southwest Mexico. Nothing is perfect, but you should play your best odds. It's like when you're in Vegas playing blackjack: You've got 19, and the dealer has a King showing. Would you really say "hit me" trying to pull an ace or deuce, to theoretically tie or win against his supposed-20? Trust me, the House hopes you do just that! That's bucking the odds big-time. There's an old saying "How do you make money in a Casino? BUY one!" I'm more a believer in sticking to a plan where the odds are in my favor, and those of my clients. That's particularly true if you're one of those people who only gets one week a year for vacation, and this is it. It's imperative to get the most for your money, with the least amount of risk. That kind of knowledge is my specialty, and it's what I do every day. Contact me any time for travel advice or pricing.

If you follow this blog, you know I've been all over the people and politicians of Alaska, who allowed greed and ignorance to ruin their cash-cow cruise and tourism business. This morning's USAToday has some rather startling figures, which completely back up what I have been ranting about (I mean discussing). The new 2010 projections, based on the number of cruise ships NOT returning next season, is 140,000 fewer passengers than 2009, and 2009 was a bad year. The economic impact? Let's look at just ONE ITEM: the $50 per person Alaska Tax (head tax on visitors brought to Alaska by ship). If you don't have your handy-dandy pocket calculator around, just the head tax by itself means $7-million less for the Great White North. Each cruise ship passenger averages about $400 per person in shore excursions, too. That's another $56-million. How much do cruise passengers buy in souvenirs, gifts, and need purchases? There's no dollar figure here, but it's a bunch! And then there's meals. And drinks. And all the service personnel whose businesses rely on supplying all these various things. It wouldn't surprise me to see Alaska tank about 1/4 of a BILLION dollars when it's all said and done. That'll put a lot more Alaskans out of work, and onto the welfare lines. So Mr. and Mrs. Alaska, if you're looking to place blame somewhere as your state tips belly-up, my suggestion is go to the store and buy a mirror. There should be some whopping-good sales coming, just around the corner....

6-PACK ABS?

The results of a beer study from Spain were recently released, and they show that of nearly 1,700 women who participated, the bone density in regular drinkers improved, over that of the non-drinkers. The collected data seems to imply that plant hormones in the beer, rather than the alcohol, may be responsible for the increase in bone density. Experts still urge caution, warning that drinking more than two units of alcohol a day can potentially harm bone health.
"Hey bartender - can we get a couple more units over here? Yeah, my wife is trying to kick the once-a-month Boniva habit."

Bone Appetit (part II)?

The University of Edinburgh (Scotland UK) has also been doing osteoporosis research. New results show that Cannabis may strengthen bones in older people, despite research which suggests it does the opposite in younger users. That's Cannabis as in Marijuana, Grass, Ganja, Loco Weed, Whacky Tobbacky, Woodstock Wheeze or whatever name you know it by. It's important to note that this study was not performed by your typical group of aging hippies, looking to find Karma and a legitimate reason to hit the bong on a regular basis. This was a highly-respected Scottish University research team. They found that in older people, the Cannabis activates a molecule found naturally in the body, which when dormant is key to the development of osteoporosis. CB1 is a type of "Cannabinoid Receptor" molecule (whatever that is - cool name, though), and when CB1 comes in contact with Cannabis ingredients, it appears to trigger bone regeneration in people of mid-life to retirement age. The theory goes that as people get into their 60's, 70's and beyond, the effects of a bit of MJ may actually increase bone density, giving them back a more youthful vitality and strength. The downside of the study indicates that while people's bones became more dense, which in turn makes the Cannabis user more upwardly-mobile, they tend to use their new-found leg strength more often to walk to the store, for a pan of brownies and a few dozen bags of Doritos. It's kind of funny that they use the terms "60's", "70's" and "Marijuana" throughout the study. Maybe for similar reasons, I'm starting to hum Jimi Hendrix and Jefferson Airplane tunes as I'm typing. One thing is for sure: The results of this study will surely require another study.

WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!

Jet Blue It?

2009-08-20T09:46:00.004-04:00

When times get tough, the tough get advertising! That may not be the exact quotation, but it's closer to the truth than you might think. Last week, Jet Blue came up with a promotion that had many in the travel business shaking their heads, and it turns out rightfully so. The promo was called "All You Can Jet" as a take-off on all-you-can-eat buffets. The crux of it was that for a mere $599, you could fly anywhere in their system, as many times as you'd like, between date "X" and date "Z", though now they're asking themselves "Y"? The plan was to get those non-fliers off their sofas and onto Jet Blue planes. But in reality, while they did get some of those, they also got their regular and frequent travelers to LOAD UP...so much so that today they announced they're suspending the program, due to SUCCESS! Let's check the formula - airlines are already cash-crunched, losing money faster than it comes in with rising fuel costs. (Proponent): "OK, Mr. Chairman. So we get more people to fly, decreasing our per-person revenue intake, increasing the weight of humans and luggage on each flight, decreasing our profits significantly with the high price of jet fuel." (Mr. Chairman): "I see - at least I think I do - but my question is, how do we make money on this?" (Proponent): "VOLUME, Sir....Volume!" Yes, it's a new twist to an old joke, but apparently that's not too far off from the actual conversation, since they're now having to turn around and cancel the program under the weight of....itself.

COMING TO CHARLOTTE, NC - in case you missed it, at the end of 2009 USAirways will be starting non-stop service to Honolulu, something the area has never had. Sure we can change planes in Atlanta or Chicago or Dallas or Phoenix or Detroit or Philadelphia or, well, you get the picture. But in a perfect world, those of us who fly would never want to make a connection. It takes time, and there can be schedule changes or weather or cancellations that make us miss our connections. Another consideration is the question: Is there REALLY time during that 41 "scheduled" minutes on the ground, to get my suitcases from Concourse A to Concourse F, or am I going to wind up on my cruise or vacation with only the clothing on my back? Of course lost luggage can still happen on non-stop flights, but it's generally much more rare. Hawaii is one of the great vacation and honeymoon destinations on Earth, and now people from the greater Charlotte area will be able to get there while the gettin's good! Keep your eyes peeled for more news about this, and we will have incredible air and hotel packages available. If your cup of tea is Maui, Kauai or the Big Island, there will still be a change of planes involved, but for people wanting Oahu (Honolulu/Pearl Harbor) or who are going on a 7-night Hawaiian islands cruise, this will truly be a new and exciting wave of travel. Aloha!

Today, I'm proposing the "Bennie Crabtree Law," which is my common-sense approach to the Judicial System. Call me ignorant, but this is a bit beyond the more well-known 3-Strikes laws passed in various states. Those say that after a 3rd major criminal prosecution, you are locked up forever, and the key gets pitched in the nearest dumpster. Done! Yer' Out! It seems they never heard of such a thing in Ohio. Authorities in Cincinnati said the official record shows that Bennie Crabtree has been arrested 146 times since 1998 (that's over 16 times per year, if you're a bit slow on the math up-take). This was just "discovered" when Hamilton County's record-keeping system was updated. Veteran police officers said he had been arrested many more times in the decades before that - too many times to count. Crabtree's record includes criminal trespass, disorderly conduct, and dozens and dozens of thefts. Police say he's never done anything serious enough to actually be sent to prison, and because of local jail overcrowding, he's often released hours after his arrests and court appearances. A social worker charged with keeping up with 61-year-old Bennie says Mr. Crabtree is just lonely. Hmmmm. Theory #1: It's apparently PRETTY EASY to become a social worker in Cincinnati. Theory #2: The Po-Lice are so caught up in the system, they are incapable of thinking outside the box. The fact that he's "Never done anything serious enough to actually be sent to prison" is ludicrous. By continually eating man-hours of the Police and Courts, not even counting the monetary losses from his ongoing thefts, this man has to be at least a Million-Dollar-Liability to the city of Cincinnati and state of Ohio. That's a guess, of course, but I'm betting that number is on the low side of the ledger. It's probably much higher in the long run. It would be much cheaper to take the man, put him behind bars for life and give him his 3 meals a day, with counseling, to see if he couldn't be turned into a productive citizen again. If so, great. If not, Ohio is footing a much lesser bill than it is by NOT incarcerating him! So I propose the Bennie Crabtree Law....you give a guy the benefit of the doubt 145 times, but dang it on that 146th......why, I oughta.....

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
On 2nd thought, maybe not.

"Stick 'em up! NO WAIT - PUT 'EM DOWN!" A Surrey, England theme park is banning visitors from putting their hands in the air while riding roller coasters when the weather is hot, following numerous complaints about foul body odor. The new rule applies whenever temperatures climb to 90 degrees or above, and signs will be posted reading "Say no to B O." Park Attendants will make sure riders follow the rules, or they risk being escorted out of the park. One of the park's Directors says the rule is necessary because, "our rides are really scary, and people tend to sweat more than normal due to the fear and anticipation they experience."

NOTE TO THE ENGLISH: "Bath" is more than the name of a quaint UK town....

Dancing With The Scars?

2009-08-17T14:35:00.004-04:00

Exhale! I know you've all been holding your collective breath, wondering which Dog and which Pony would face the music on the upcoming season of ABC's Dancing With The Stars. Cap'n Bob, not so much. My girlfriend enjoys dancing, so we will sit together and watch Fox's "So You Think You Can Dance," when it's on during the Summer re-run slot. Nothing else is on the tube, that's for sure. I enjoy a good baseball game when it matters, but games that matter are few and far between during July and August. Fox's fare is filled with undiscovered professional dancers, who possess actual talent, only needing a shot to find success in their chosen craft. ABC on the other hand, takes people who already have success and notoriety, and creates a fish-out-of-water environment that is part America's Funniest Videos, part Gong Show and part "Hey honey - there's a bad traffic accident on I-85 South - grab the baby, and let's go check it out!" For the life of me, I'll never understand the attraction. In a nutshell, the ABC show has been a series of pretty people, packaged in sequins and discomfort, taught to explore their inner embarrassment quotient. No matter how much rum I ingest, it doesn't get any better for me. So which pretty people got the nod for 2009? Marie Osmand has already done her time, so to keep it all in the family, it's Donnie's turn. He fits the mold, and should do well, if moving forward in this competition is considered doing well. Next pretty face? Kelly Osbourne, she of the loins of Ozzy. Pretty is a relative thing, and she should be very glad her Mom (Sharon) is the relative she got most of her looks from. Pretty face # 3? Chuck Liddell. OK, you lost me, ABC. There are probably a lot of people reading this who are unfamiliar with The Chuckster, who at one point was considered the toughest guy on the Planet. He's a pearly-white-bodied, not classically handsome, Fu-Manchu'd, shaved-side-headed-Mohawk-wearing former mixed martial arts champion, until a couple of consecutive beat-downs and knockouts killed off a goodly portion of the brain, that keeps you upright and prevents (for the most part) drooling as you talk. He seems like a nice enough guy, who just happens to use elbows, knees, feet and fists to choke or render unconscious any human set in front of him. Note to choreographers: DON'T PUSH THIS GUY! Anyway, the celebrity pool has apparently been drained for cleaning, because these 3 rank among the more-recognizable names on the docket for 2009-2010. Yeah, there are some other D-listers, but in an extraordinary "reach" they've included Tom DeLay (now where do I know that name from?). As in, former Republican Congressman Tom DeLay of Texas. As in, why is he not in Congress anymore? Oh yeah - even though he was House Majority Leader in 2005, he was indicted by a Texas Grand Jury on money-laundering charges, which are still unresolved. That's money-laundering of the F-E-L-O-N-Y kind. I can hear it already.... "Hey Doris - grab the kids and gather 'round the TV set for some good 'ol dancin', San Quentin style." Nice role model. My guess, John Edwards was unavailable, but you can write it down that you heard it here first, as a prediction for season 2010-2011! The good news for people who actually like good dancing is Fox has expanded their turf, to run a season of So You Think You Can Dance this Fall, in direct competition with ABC's Drag-A-Bag contest. Should be an interesting head-to-head. ABC's theory, apparently, is that if FOX pulls their head into the lead, they've always got Chuck Liddell to bash it in.

Our Mann Travels website is undergoing some major upgrades, but we have just added the capability to watch video online. The first one is Royal Caribbean's new super-liner Oasis Of The Seas, which will be coming out in December of this year. It will be the largest cruise ship in the world, by a pretty hefty margin, and they want to emphasize the tremendous variety this ship will offer to families. In particular, what it offers the tykes and young-'uns which will free up Mom and Dad to relax and enjoy their cruise. Here's a link, and there will be many more videos to come as we move forward:

http://www.manntravels.com/video/index.cfm?mc_id=2

Which is witch?

You're all familiar with Salem Massachusetts, where trials were held a few hundred years ago to determine the witchy-ness of some of its inhabitants, based on whether or not they could float when dunked underwater. Not a high spot in Salem's judicial history. But some other-worldly connection may still be at work in the recently-filed case of Pereira vs. Speliotis. Back in March of this year, 19-year old Timothy Pereira rammed into Christine Speliotis's car head-on, and police were quick to note that Pereira had been driving 85 mph in a 35 mph zone. Further, he had lost control of his vehicle at that speed, swerving into Ms. Speliotis's lane and causing the crash. Done. Case closed, right? Eh, not so fast there Buck-o (no pun intended). Even though this appeared to be an open-and-shut case, enter 17-year old Brandon Pereira. Brandon happens to be Timothy's cousin, and he was injured during the crash. Now he has filed a lawsuit against Ms. Speliotis, for negligence! (Huh???). His suit claims that if she had been quicker to respond when his cousin had crossed into her lane, and if she had merely swerved her car into a nearby ditch to avoid the collision, no one would have gotten hurt. Except maybe her. And maybe even died, but Brandon and Timothy would have been just peachy. You have to hope that the Judge will at the very least order Brandon to pay all Court costs at the end of this debacle. Whoever he convinced to represent him as an attorney and advisor ought to be dunked a few times himself, then placed in the stocks for public humiliation.

You named that baby WHAT??!!

According to the Charlotte Observer, there was some weirdness going on in the Southeast United States, during the month of July 2009. In a 30-day span, there were a number of people arrested and charged with murder. Unfortunately that's an all-too-common occurrence these days, but this set of perps has a unique bond. Who is this murderer's row?

Jerry Wayne Damron (Taylorsville, NC)
Edward Wayne Edwards (Louisville, KY)
Anthony Wayne Thomas (Orlando, FL)
Travis Wayne Baczewski (Austin, TX)
Heath Wayne Overstreet (Roanoke, VA)
Jon Wayne Boyer (Nashville, TN)
David Wayne Hoshaw (Norfolk, VA)
Kenneth Wayne Baker (Churchville, VA)

The Court system also denied the appeals of 2 convicted murderers:

Mark Wayne Wiles (Ravenna, OH)
Carl Wayne Bowen, (Swansea, Wales UK)

But all is not lost! In Caroline County, VA there was another trial in July, of a defendant name John Wayne Peck. He had been arrested in 2007 for murder, but was found by a jury of his peers to be not guilty. I'd have a hard time convicting anyone named John Wayne myself. Know what I mean, Pilgrim?

Stimulus? How Stimulating!

2009-08-13T10:54:00.005-04:00

The last couple of weeks have shown your 7th Grade Science Project, effectively hard at work. Even single-celled organisms understand the concept that a Stimulus leads invariably to a Response. Miriam Webster's little book describes the word Stimulus as: something that rouses or incites to activity. Delving further, they add: an agent that directly influences the activity of a living organism, or one of its parts (we won't go there, thank you very much). There are a lot of parts to our National Stimulus Package that haven't yet been successful, but it's pretty obvious "Cash For Clunkers" has been a huge hit. Clean up the environment, sell new cars, give people a deal when they're down on their luck, create new jobs and maybe more importantly, create a sense that everything is starting to get back to normal. Even if these are baby steps forward. The travel industry has seen its share of serious repercussions during the turn-down of the last year, but we are starting to see an increase as well. People might not buy a new shirt or stereo, but they WILL go on vacation. That demand acts as a stimulus in its own right, getting people to call or email looking for a deal. And the deals are still out there! However, as the stock market continues its trek Northward, and people see extra dollars in their bank accounts and stock portfolios, the hotels and cruise lines and package vendors are going to try to re-coup some of their 2008-2009 losses. That's why I'm expecting price increases coming very soon. So it would be in your best interest, if you still have time off to take this year, to contact me right away. Let's discuss the options for shipping you off to that vacation you so desperately deserve! Now if I can only convince my Congressman to take my suggestions on "Cash For VCR's And 8-Track Tapes" and my other brain-child, "Cash For Pants That Don't Fit As Nicely As They Used To Since You've Been Eating Pie And Whoppers All The Time You Big Dummy..."

So what did you get me for the big holiday week coming up? No, not Labor Day. And Christmas is still 4+ months away. Although my birthday is special to me, and probably millions of people world-wide will be celebrating it (maybe not), one birthday does not a week make. I'm sure if my Mom had been in labor for a week back in 1951, it would have given Labor Day a whole new meaning, and might have even made the Guinness Book. The holiday week I'm talking about is Aug. 29-Sep. 5, which has been designated National Bowling Week. In fact, USAToday even noted that gobowling.com is offering a coupon for a free game on Sep. 5th, when the bowling powers-that-be are trying to get more people to bowl on that day than ever before in history. Call those Guinness people again! You probably have to check to make sure your local bowling center is honoring the coupon, but that's kind of a cool concept. Lots of people think of bowlers as being over-50 bald guys with big beer-bellies, who are just there to socialize. The social aspect is quite true, but did you know the average bowler in this country is 29-years old? Did you know almost half, a full 49% of all bowlers are female (most of which are neither bald nor have big beer-bellies)? Did you know nearly 70 million of us bowl each year, at nearly 5,500 bowling alleys across the Country? It may not be as big as it was in the 50's, but it's still the best non-sport I know. It's relaxing, in a physical sort of way. I mean, where else can you go where you're instructed to take something heavy, walk up and throw it with all your might, with the sole intention of knocking something over? Man! That's a brat's dream. It's like legal vandalism, and they let you drink beer and eat French Fries while you're doing it. If there's a sweeter sport/non-sport out there, I'd love to hear about it!

(Overheard in Key West): "Honey, what's that awful smell?"
(Wife): "That would be Cuba, Dear."

Last year, the Caribbean island of Cuba was hit with 3 back-to-back-to-back hurricanes, followed by the effects of a global economic downturn. Add to that the continuing US embargo on imports & exports, and Cuba is realizing now it has a serious problem. They make a lot of their own goods, but a shortage of raw materials has kept them from manufacturing enough of one particular item, needed by every man, woman and child-citizen of Cuba. It doesn't matter what your politics are, whether you're counter-revolutionary or a follower of Castro's doctrine. Right now, all that matters is Cuba needs toilet paper. They are suffering form a severe shortage of the square, perforated bliss-on-a-roll, and based on current projections, they may not see a sufficient supply until the end of this year, if there are no further disruptions. Yuck. Sounds like on the show "Cuba's Most Wanted," Number Two has moved up to Number One! Maybe those Communist propaganda leaflets still have some shelf-life.

UPDATE ON SOMALI PIRACY (or not):

Farah Ahmed Omar was recently appointed as Chief of Somalia's Navy, with the express purpose of proving to the world that Somalia is serious about addressing piracy concerns. Mr. Omar will be on the front lines against a throng of well-armed pirates, operating in international waters off the country's North and East coast. He has admitted, though, that his job will be difficult initially. That's mostly because the Somalian Navy has no boats, nor a single sailor. They have Omar. He also admitted to a reporter that he hasn't been to sea in 23 years, and is not crazy about the water. However, he went on to say he was very optimistic that the piracy could be stopped. SEE THERE! All you people who think foreign governments don't cooperate with us, take that one on the chin!

Ruff Flight, Ma'am?

2009-08-06T11:13:00.005-04:00

I'm a dog lover. Cats are cute enough, parakeets are a fine way to get rid of unwanted newspapers, hamsters are cuddly, turtles are interesting, snakes are weird, and whatever other pet you want to name is pretty much your thing. For me, it's dogs. Then again, I live my life within reason. Even being a dog lover, I'll be the first to admit there are also dog lunatics. Not "fans" as in short for fanatics, but actual loony-tunes. This week, a woman identified only as Rivka wanted to fly from Paris to Tel Aviv. She told the airline that the last time she took her dog on a flight, in the cargo hold where doggies travel, he wasn't the same for weeks. Stressed. Full of anxiety. So she wanted to know if her beloved poochie could ride with her in First Class. The response was something like "Lady, you'd have to buy ALL of First Class for us to do that."
And so she did. $32,000 to fly one-way from Paris to Tel Aviv. She later said, "I couldn't imagine us being separated for the 4 hours, so it was completely worth it to me." Yowza. Not sure if the 8-year old boxer was able to take advantage of the hot towels, complimentary champagne, or in-flight duck-a-la-orange. However, a flight attendant was overheard to say "Please, no smoking in the lavatories, keep your seatbelts fastened at all times, be sure the overhead bins are completely shut and latched, and I need a pooper-scooper in Aisle Two...."

There is a small, luxury ship called the Aqua, which sails the Amazon River in South America, but 10 days ago, they had a serious breach of security when armed bandits suddenly appeared out of the jungle, and robbed the passengers of jewelry and money. Today, it happened again. Many people, including some Americans on board both sailings, booked this type of small-ship luxury to avoid the crowds of larger cruise ships. They want adventure. Looks like they got it, and in spades. Adventure can be exciting, but it creates its own set of security headaches if you're in the wrong part of the world at the wrong time. I try to put my clients in more mainstream products, for the most part. There are extreme exceptions, but there is good reason why large, well-known cruise lines became large and well-known in the first place. It's called popularity! 98% of the cruising public is perfectly satisfied with some level of "standard" cruise ships. The other 2% have a better idea, at least in their mind. Maybe it's not very Mavericky of me, but I'll stick with my 98% thank-you-very-much. I've been making a healthy living for 20+ years on those 98% and if going to the dance with the most popular girl is a crime, lock me up!

Speaking of strange goings-on in S. America, an environmental group from Brazil has launched a campaign to save the rain forests. A noble gesture indeed. However, their methods are a bit more controversial than the premise. The group is encouraging people to bypass the toilet, and urinate in the shower to save water needlessly flushed-away. Television ads are airing showing cartoon characters relieving themselves in the shower, explaining that households can save more than 1,000 gallons of water a year by reducing each home by just one flush a day.

How about that? I wonder if my frat brothers in college knew they were saving the rainforest?!

Flying With Oprah?

2009-07-30T13:17:00.011-04:00

There's very little likelihood you'll ever be sitting in seat 27D, and find Oprah Winfrey in 27E. That doesn't mean you have to miss out on the "O" experience, though. Particularly if you fly certain airlines. In April of this year, Continental began matching competitors such as Jet Blue, Virgin America, and Frontier by installing DirectTV screens on its most popular routes. By 2011, they hope to have 220 domestic aircraft updated, giving you (for a fee, of course) access to 77 channels of satellite television mid-flight. Nobody really misses the in-flight movies, which tended to be G or PG or "sanitized" beyond recognition anyway. Remember how you'd grab the airline's seatpocket magazine, and get excited when you saw it was the new James Bond movie they were showing, then be crushed when you noticed it said Eastbound, while you were headed Westbound? Yeah, not too often. More frequently, there was some bust-of-a-movie that flopped directly from the box office to your stinkin' flight. Now, though, you can catch up on your Oprah. Or SportsCenter. Or watch live sports, headline news, or whatever happens to be your calling (within reason). Initially, Continental is matching Frontier's $6 price tag per person for service, while offering it free to First and Business Class. If it's anything like luggage fees, it'll probably head skyward faster than the plane itself. You can almost imagine $6 to get ABC, CBS and NBC, then being sold "upgrade packages" for premium channels. Oh well, I'm probably just going to rock out with my IPod anyway, but it's good to know if I'm ever jonesing to watch a Beverly Hillbillies re-run, the world will be my oyster. That's a saying that never made sense to me, but it popped into my brain just as I was typing. Lucky you, reader...

Barter, Barter Everywhere (and not a sale to make)

The economy has somehow created a new cruise-booking monster, which has reared its little head 3 times in the past 2 weeks. And that's just in my cubicle here on The Bridge. My guess is somewhere out there in cyberspace, somebody printed an article or said something on a news broadcast, that has led people into trying this "scheme." Customers have called in asking prices on a particular cruise, and when I tell them the price (say $500), they reply with "Call them back, and tell them I'll give them $350." Ok, I did. All 3 times. And I got the same answer. All 3 times. It was basically a series of hysterical shrieks and laughs, followed by some "You've-got-to-be-kiddings." Maybe people think the cruise lines are like the straw market on a Caribbean island, but it ain't so, Joe! Here's the deal in a nutshell. All major cruise lines, including but not limited to Carnival, Royal Caribbean, Princess, Holland America, Celebrity, Cunard, Seabourn, NCL, and on and on are publicly traded companies. How would you feel if you owned 500 shares of Royal Caribbean stock, and found out someone was calling in to book a trip, and some reservation agent was allowing them to slash the price? That's YOUR price, Mr. or Mrs. Stockholder. If they would allow such shenanigans, what would keep an unscrupulous reservationist from working a private deal with a customer? "Mr. Johnson, I'm going to give you $100 off your cruise, but you have to send me $50 of it - that way, we each make out." Right. Think that's ever going to happen? Checks-and-balances are firmly in place to prevent such things, and each cruise line has a Revenue Management department that is sort of like Internal Affairs at the Police Department. Don't mess with those guys. My advice to clients is to let me to do the negotiating up-front, and I'll always give my best possible price on the first quote. After that, you can save the haggling for the straw market.

EAU MYGODD!

Everything is bigger in Texas. That's what they say, whoever "they" are. I guess that also includes odors. At first, Fire Department officials suspected a carbon monoxide leak, or some other toxic airborne menace, when almost 150 people at a Texas bank call-center became ill in a matter of seconds. Med-Star Ambulance spokeswoman Lara Kohl said 34 people were taken to local hospitals, a dozen by her ambulance service alone, after reporting dizziness and shortness of breath Wednesday at the Bank of America call-center in Fort Worth. Another 110 people were treated at the scene. Ft. Worth Fire Lt. Kent Worley said the incident started shortly arter one of the workers sprayed herself with a liberal dousing of perfume. Almost immediately, co-workers and staff reported becoming sick, even violently ill, and a crowd of people crushed to exit the building. Fire and Rescue officials were immediately notified, and were on the scene in a rapid-response. Investigators would not release the brand name of the Culprit Cologne, but suffice it to say the wearer was not amongst the most popular of branch employees, before or after. "G'morning, Lucy. Nice shoes, and what a cute top! Hey, what's that you're wearing? Month-Old Decomposing Goat? Yeah, I hear it's all the rage in the clubs in Kreszburkistan..."

It's a medical miracle!
WHAT?

I SAID...it's a medical miracle!
WHAT???

Last week, 2 women got into a fight on board an airplane over the skies of Germany, and during the catfight not only were punches thrown, but one woman had a large piece of her ear bitten off. When the plane landed and medical teams could assess the damage, surgeons decided they could not re-attach the severed ear at that time. They tried unsuccessfully, but damage to the side of the woman's head was so extreme, it needed to be repaired and at least partially healed, before they could try the procedure again. In the mean time, they needed a place to keep the ear flap, so it would still be a viable organ when re-attached. They decided to create a flesh "pocket" on the woman's...eh....backside, and stitched the severed ear to her bottom, until such time as they can safely operate in the next week or so. Doctors believe that access to blood flow should keep the ear in good condition, and don't believe the organ will be rejected by the woman's body.

No one from the hospital could confirm or deny whether or not the patient could hear better standing up vs. sitting down, but maybe that's just me over-thinking things...

What A Friend We Have In Cheeses...

2009-07-29T09:24:00.004-04:00

Just when you think you've seen every celebration, festival or gathering-of-the-minds, somebody comes up with a new one. In this case, it's a new twist on an old one. Popular belief says that some 3,500 years ago, a traveler in Asia set out on a long journey across the desert. He would have carried some sort of liquid with him, likely a pouch or "canteen" of milk to quench the thirst brought on by the desert heat. In those day, water/milk pouches were made from the water-proof linings of a sheep's stomach. Legend goes that when the man stopped for the night, he found his milk had turned to a solid white mass. The discovery of cheese. Some of the sheep's digestive juices had probably dried in the stomach, and remained there to interact with the milk during the journey. And beginning Aug. 23, 2009 there will be the 1st annual Vermont Cheesemakers Festival, to celebrate the curdled wonder. Suddenly, I'm hearing Monty Python's version of The Sermon-On-The-Mount: "Blessed are the cheesemakers." Anyway, this concept was brought to fruition by The Vermont Institute For Artisan Cheese, The Vermont Butter And Cheese Company, and The Vermont Cheese Council. The fact that there are 3 such institutions in Vermont, with employees and luminaries and magnates, tells me there must be a shortage of Cable TV in Vermont! But that's not for me to judge, and the locals are excited about tourism prospects for the region. The festival will be held at Shelburne Farms, near Burlington, where more than 100 cheeses will be available for tasting, performing seminars and cooking demonstrations, and probably sitting on plates with little toothpicks sticking in them, aiming skyward. Visitors to Vermont can also check out the state's Cheese Trail, with close to 30 farms where you can meet cheesemakers, see their animals, and watch how cheese is made. It all sounds so GOUDA, my SHARP readers will probably buy tickets immediately, to avoid being BLEU later. Rumors that comedian Ray ROMANO will pop out of a local COTTAGE, dressed as Herman MUENSTER, remain unconfirmed.

Joan Rivers? Meet Abe Lincoln (and friends!)

Washington. Roosevelt. Lincoln. Jefferson. Scientists from California and Scotland will soon be descending on Mount Rushmore, to do laser treatments on the iconic monument. They're not really performing "surgery" but instead are mapping the entire structure from various angles, in 3-dimensions. This is so that archaeologists and engineers could do an Extreme Makeover and restoration, should there ever be damage from erosion, earthquake or other external force. Long-term, they would also like to explore the possibility of using the 3-D image of Mount Rushmore in one of the visitor center theaters, to help educate children in an entertaining way, about the history of the famous monument. It might also explain to the kids why they are spending their Summer vacation in South Dakota, while their friends and schoolmates are at the beach, Disney World, or on a cruise. Just lucky, I guess....

HEADLINE: Technology Still Cannot Trump Ignorance!

Italian Officials say a Swedish couple was on vacation there last week, and were searching for the pristine waters of the popular island of Capri. Here's a thought: rent a sailboat! Instead, the couple decided to use the GPS unit that was conveniently-installed in their rental car. Unfortunately, the husband or wife (who refused to be identified) accidentally typed in the word Carpi instead of Capri. This took them on an exciting journey, approximately 400 miles off-course, to the Northern industrial town of Carpi, near Modena Italy. Angelo Giovannini, a spokesman for Carpi's Town Hall, said the couple drove into the main square, and asked the local tourist office how to reach Capri's famed Blue Grotto sea cave. Giovannini said "we thought maybe they meant a restaurant by that name, although we have no such restaurant here in Carpi. We explained that "Capri" is an island off the coast, but they didn't even question why they never had to cross a bridge, or transfer to a boat." Sounds like a couple of Swedish Meatballs to me.

Global Cooling?

2009-07-28T13:24:00.008-04:00

Ahoy, Mates! I'm back from my rejuvenating vacation visiting the wilds of Canada. That's the large, white area North of the USA on your maps and GPS's, for those of you who weren't geography majors. When The Cap'n puts up a sign that says "Gone Fishing," it ain't just for show! And as always, it was a relaxing success - but still packed with enough adventure to make it noteworthy. My girlfriend caught the biggest large-mouth bass of her life, a sweet 19-incher weighing 4 pounds. The guide we had with us said "OK, let's see you beat that..." And so I did, on the next cast. I thought my line was stuck in the weeds, but then the weeds started moving away while I was reeling in. About 10 minutes later, a 23-incher was in the boat, and the scale came to rest at 6 pounds even! Of course, after taking a few photos for posterity and bragging rights, we tossed 'em back in for the next crew to enjoy. Another feature of the trip was our annual "shore lunch," where we cook-up a couple of the little 1-2 pounders with some beans, back-bacon, potatoes, onions and other goodies over a campfire during a break in fishing. This year, the new adventure was a Chip-wich. Our guide had us help him in slicing up a couple of large potatoes, super-thin like paper. He then threw a fistful of bacon and sliced onion into the boiling oil of our cast-iron skillet, followed by a couple handfuls of potatoes. Sizzle! Crackle! Crack! Brown! Two minutes later, we had fresh campfire potato chips. He said to take a large chip, stack a piece of bacon on it, then a piece of onion, then another chip on top, creating the ever-so-tasty-and-maybe-not-so-healthy Chip-wich (chip sandwich). Since I am a modest Cap'n and very aware of my curvy figure, I stopped after about 20 of them. Ok, it may have been 50. But it's hard to stack and eat and count, so get off my back! All I can say, is that's as close to Heaven as I've ever been on this old rock.

The other thing of note on this trip was the temperature. We've been up on the Rideau Canal in Eastern Ontario numerous times, when it's been 80, 90 or above during mid-July. This time, we may not have even seen 70 degrees once (it's hard to say, with Canadians figuring everything in that crazy "Celsius" thing the way they do). I can tell you that every morning we had 3 layers on when we set out on the lake, and with the wind and a bit of mist, it was downright nippy. Even traveling through Pennsylvania and New York, we kept hearing about how cool this year has been. I liked one of the headlines from a weather guy on the Canadian Broadcasting Company: "Well folks, the Summer that never was, continues to never be."
I'm not complaining though. The Canadian people (also known as Lumberjacks and Mounties) are so incredibly warm and friendly, it always feels like home away from home. Since they don't use pesticides in Canada, you always have to keep an eye out for the wayward mosquito or 2 or 3 or 50. But without pesticides, and most fertilizer being the natural kind, it means just about everything you eat or drink there is organic. In the USA you pay a lot extra for that, but in Canada it's the norm. So here's to our frozen neighbors, another job well done. SALUTE!

The London Daily Telegraph recently raised questions about researchers from Cleveland State University, and the project they chose to write about in recent anatomy journals. It seems these curious scientists chose to write about female anatomy, and for their subjects they chose to analyze and assess the physical traits of 195 female characters, all of whom were high-visibility cast-members from the first 20 James Bond films. After delicate and time-consuming research, they revealed their surprising results: More of the women were brunette than blond. Yes, it's a stunner. If that weren't enough to shock the public-at-large, there was even more. They determined that a full 90 percent of the 195 femme-fatales were young, slim and of above-average looking. Holy cow...these guys certainly got to the BOTTOM of things!

Welcome to the 19th Century:

A New York Auditor was recently checking into some strange-looking issues, which he felt were possibly fraud-related. To his amazement, they were not fraud but factual. The New York Police Department spent $99,000 on a contract for "typewriter repair," which will take on increased importance since between 2008 and 2009 the NYPD bought thousands of brand-new typewriters, both manual and electric, costing the city almost $1 million dollars. With everything that's happened in the world, the NYPD is still not even close to computerizing some of its daily-use forms, such as property and evidence reports. Can you imagine the shock of young recruits, raised on Dells, I-Phones and Blackberries, being shown to a desk at the Precinct with a manual Underwood typewriter? It's Back-To-The-Future all over again. Maybe Sergeant McFly will figure it out.

A pair of beekeepers were married last month in China wearing outfits completely covered with thousands of living bees. The groom said he has been working with bees for more than twenty years, and it was an obvious choice for starting their big day. According to the bride, "it was an amazing feeling to have a carpet of living bees moving over my body." Let's hope the groom can leave as lasting an impression as his winged friends. The more than 250 invited guests reportedly stayed as far away from the couple as possible during the event.

My question is Who played at the reception? Sting?

And The Wiener Is????

2009-07-09T10:00:00.006-04:00

Sad day in the snouts, hoofs, ears, cheeks, jowls and unmentionables department. Oscar Meyer has died. That's not a misspelling, either. The company calls itself Oscar Mayer, but the actual family patriarch and retired Chairman Of The Board of the meat-packing giant, spelled his name with an "e" instead of an "a" in it. He was 95. Before his passing, he made one final request to the family, fearing it would be too much of a spectacle: No Wienermobile at his funeral. I was fortunate enough to see the Wienermobile up-close a few years back, and one thing you can say about it is it WILL get your attention. Whether in the rear-view mirror, or pulling up along side unexpectedly, there's no mistaking it for an alien craft. It's as All-American as apple pie, corn-on-the-cob and....well....wieners. Yeah yeah, wieners are German. And fries are French. And wooden shoes are Dutch (OK, you got me on that one). It would still seem appropriate for the Wienermobile to hover near the ceremony, maybe hanging a couple of blocks back or something. How does Batman die and no Batmobile? Oh well, you have to honor people's last wishes so he must have his reasons. Of course, there was only 1 Batmobile (a hybrid Ford Thunderbird, if you must know). The first Wienermobile was built in 1936, but there was so much demand for personal appearances of the Big Wiener, by 1960 Oscar Mayer Company had a fleet of 6, which would drive around giving cold-cuts and wiener-whistles to the kids of a grateful nation. Maybe not as refreshing as the Ice Cream Man, but then again the Ice Cream Man never rode around in a giant Klondike bar. Style points for the Wiener King.

Man - We're moving at a turtle's pace!

That's what commuters and air traffic controllers were saying yesterday morning at JFK in New York, and guess what - they were right! A major runway at JFK International Airport was shut down Wednesday morning, after at least 75 turtles emerged from a nearby bay and crawled onto the tarmac. Eventually, grounds crews were able to "herd" them back into the nearby water, but not before delaying flights by nearly an hour and a half. "Apparently, this is something JFK tower has experienced before," said Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Jim Peters. Even though the little 4-legged tanks move slowly, they become somewhat more aggressive during spawning season. Most folks wouldn't think of spicing up their spawning habits by gathering as a group on one of the World's busiest airport runways, but you know those wacky Ninja Turtles are unpredictable...

Allman Joy!

There are a huge number of fans of the original jam-band, The Allman Brothers, and some of them have decided to take their fan-dom to the next level. The band was founded in Macon, Georgia where their Southern rock sound and propensity to write songs that were half-an-album in length became the stuff of legend. Now their home, nicknamed the Big House In Macon is being turned into a museum by loyal followers. The Big House is where the songs Ramblin' Man, Blue Sky and Midnight Rider were penned, and was the last place famed guitarist Duane Allman visited before dying in a 1971 motorcycle accident. The museum is scheduled to open in December, with a solid rock 'n roll fan base expected to draw thousands of the faithful. There will be more than 300,000 pieces of memorabilia inside, collected by Kirk West, the band's longtime photographer and tour manager: Duane's jacket. Gregg's Hammond organ. Band and performance posters and photographs. Music and live recordings of the band will also be available,with interactive computer terminals where guests can flip through concert footage. Duane's bedroom has been kept intact, decorated the same way he left it. On the top floor, the museum will hold music classes for school children, and outside will be a bandstand where musicians can put on shows. The 6,000-sq.-ft. house, built in the early 1900s, became the band's home in 1970, and it quickly became the center of the band's world. It was their practice habitat, songwriting Mecca, and personal retreat before the physical demands of going on tour. The wives, girlfriends and children remained at the Big House when the band was on the road. The house has changed hands numerous times, at one point being everything from a beauty parlor to a lawyer's home, but it fell into disrepair until it was bought in 1990 by the Wests, who have lived there the last 15 years. For people in the South, who want to re-visit their rock roots without having to travel all the way to Cleveland (Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame), this will likely be a must-see, must-do stop whenever you're burning up the Georgia highways. Very rare you can say of a musician or band that they created something even MORE than a sound, they created an actual genre. Duane, Gregg, Dickie Betts and the boys did exactly that.

Sometimes you hear me rant about our educational system, and how teens and even 20-somethings can't make change from a cash register if the power goes out. HELLO, AUSTRIA! Thank you so much for making even our inadequate school system look stellar! School officials in the Central-European country have taken a trick from the TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Students who can't quite come up with the answers on their exams are being given an extra chance: Phone-A-Friend. The kids are allowed to call experts for help, such as doctors and other teachers if they're stumped. A spokesperson for the Austrian School System said the experts are usually more nervous than the students, worried about how they'll look if they get the answer wrong. So far during the initial testing of the system, Administrators claim that everyone using the Phone-A-Friend bonus has passed the tests. I think Hollywood was right when they made the movie Terminator. Machines will definitely take over the world at some point. We humans just can't cut the mustard any more. And even when we can, there won't be a Wienermobile to spread it on...

Moon Over Albuquerque?

2009-07-07T09:08:00.011-04:00

Living in Charlotte, North Carolina I'll tell you there are some great people in this area, and then there are those you just shake your head and say "He must be from around here." US Airways Flight 705 found that out in spades. On a recent flight from Charlotte to Los Angeles, a 50-year old male passenger decided ENOUGH OF THIS SOCIAL CORRECTNESS! He began taking off his clothes, eventually stripping completely naked. Flight attendants made every attempt to cover him with a blanket, but to no avail. Finally, two off-duty law enforcement officers on board subdued and handcuffed him. Keith Wright, age 50 and originally from the Bronx in New York, was taken into custody without incident after the plane made an unscheduled landing in New Mexico. You'd think that was plenty of excitement for one flight, but there was more. If it were only the constrained jaybird on board, the plane could have continued to LAX. But elsewhere on the same flight, crew members were quietly dealing with an unrelated medical emergency. It was that medical issue that forced the flight to divert to Albuquerque, with the AP saying that "Wright's actions were (only) a secondary reason for the unplanned landing." As for Mr. Moonshine, he apparently caused quite a ruckus before the flight landed in New Mexico. He allegedly was unresponsive to requests to put his clothes back on, and at one point actually punched one of the flight attendants. That put him into a whole different category than "Airborne Naturalist." His family says he suffers from bi-polar disorder, but the suspect is now in Federal custody where he'll face charges of interfering with a flight crew. Did bi-polar disorder exist back when I was younger? I think not. It's a product of the 80's and 90's. When I was a youthful lad, we just called those people idiots.

Toucan play at that game!

Congratulations to the Central American country of Costa Rica, which was named by an independent UK research team as "The Happiest Country On Earth." Silly me - I thought it was Disneyworld. Anyway, the things that were measured (as those things go) was a "happiness quotient", the country's economy, overall life expectancy, and its ecological footprint on the rest of Civilization as we know it. Yeah, they've got active volcanoes that can kill you. Yeah, lots of snakes. Yeah, it rains about 250 days a year in the wetter areas. Yeah, mostly dirt or gravel or weasely paved roads. So how did the UK homeboys do on the list of Smiley Faces Places? 74th. Before you go "ROFL" over the lousy position of the UK'ers, consider the United States Of Oppression, where we came in a neat and tidy 114th! I think the USA just beat out "Hell" by a dozen or so votes. Second on the Happy Happy Joy Joy list was the Caribbean nation of the Dominican Republic, and 3rd was another floating neighbor, Jamaica. So if you want to escape your blues, you can actually get nonstop flights from Charlotte to any of the Top 3, and we always have hotel package deals as well. You may be asking what makes Costa Rica the new Numero Uno. My theory? Monkees and bananas. They're everywhere. Ever go to the zoo? Ever go by the monkey cage? Ever see anybody NOT smiling? Case closed.

Police in Virginia are very good. But they don't have to be. At least not in the case of a break-in last week. A 17-year old juvenile broke into a house, in a robbery attempt. He found the victim's cell phone laying on the counter, and decided to call one of his friends. He planned to use the old gag, "You'll never guess where I'm calling you from," which is usually reserved for Jethro Bodine and Larry The Cable Guy act-a-likes on airplanes. However, the perp wasn't used to this particular brand of cell phone, and instead accidentally took a picture of himself using the phone's camera technology. Nice. Police have arrested the wayward youth, and he is awaiting charges of breaking and entering, grand larceny, and being a complete moron. You can just see it now, he'll get his prison-issue orange jumpsuit, then ask for his one phone call to the outside world:

"Hey Charlie - You'll never guess where I'm calling you from!"

Service Error?

2009-07-06T14:04:00.007-04:00

Congratulations to Roger Federer who really had to earn his latest Grand Slam title. But while you might think the header is talking about Wimbledon (pronounced Wimple-ton by most people in the Carolinas), I'm actually referring to Sarah "Bigstate" Palin, who this weekend brushed aside things like her oath of office, pledges to constituents and responsibility in general, to begin her world-wide photo-op tour. Call it Making A Difference 2012. That's right...she appears to be challenging Superman to a Battle Royale, although it's going to take more than Kryptonite and conservative rhetoric to bring down the Caped Crusader. It will likely take more than a track record of 0.6% of one term as Governor of the Mooses, to be elected President of the Masses. The current Queen of Maverickosity certainly thinks outside the box. In fact, she thinks outside her State, and now plans to live where she thinks. Personally, I believe the only chance she has is to Irish-ize her name by adding an O to it. O'Palin. That would potentially give her the conservative minority vote, plus any liquored-up American Dubliners, who left Houlihan's Pub long enough to cast their ballot (thinking she's a Homegirl), plus the Senior Citizen crowd with serious macular degeneration, or glaucoma or cataracts so severe that O'Palin and Obama are indistinguishable from one another. Hey, it's not much of a strategy, but when you're projecting yourself as the future of conservative mankind, you do what you've got to do. Right now, it's amazing how few Democrats are saying anything about her early retirement. They seem content to let Republican leadership and spokespeople tee-off on this log-flume-style career cascade. It remains to be seen who gets soaked at the bottom of the hill, Sarah O'P or We The People. One thing's for sure, if she ever actually won a National election, I'd have to take a 4-year vacation in Canada. I'll be out on the lake fishing if you need me, eh?

There's an old joke about a guy sitting on a street corner, with an empty cup in front of him, holding a sign saying "Pencils For Sale." A guy walks up and says, "Hey Buddy - how much for one of your pencils?" The man look up and says, "$225,000.00 each, and that includes a carrying case and an eraser." The startled man looked at him in disgust, asking "Well how many have you sold at that price, Sir?" The vendor replied, "None yet, but if I can just sell one....." Which brings us to the state of the hotel business. The economy is as bad as it has been in 60+ years, and hotel operators are constantly crying about lack of business. So how are they counteracting it? By raising taxes and service fees. One of the hardest-hit states, Hawaii, has plans to move its 7.25% hotel tourism tax to 9.25% by July 2010. Massachusetts is allowing communities to raise local taxes from 4% to 6%, in addition to the State tax of 5.7%. Throw in a newly-raised restaurant tax, going from 5% to as much as 7%, and you're likely to hear more about MASS Exodus than MASS tourism. How about Vegas? Even Sin City is going from 9% to 12%. New York visitors are being welcomed with a new 14.25% hotel tax, and there is talk now of adding extra service fees to internet reservations. Yeah, that's really the way to encourage people to visit you. Gouge their eyes out, tie them up and steal their wallets, but not until they've purchased their share of souvenirs and postcards. I realize money has to come from somewhere, but some of these seem to be absurd. One of the worst representations of friendly tourism is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Not that it's a hotbed of tourist influx, but people do come and go and Wisconsin is a highly-underrated state when it comes to natural beauty, particularly in its lakes and rivers. But people visiting the area who fly into Milwaukee are being met with a new car rental tax. It was $2. It would seem a little pushy to double it to $4, but doubling wouldn't have made my worst-of-the-worst list. So what do you think that car rental tax went to? $7? An unbelievable $10? No, how about a beyond-unbelievable $18 tax! Up from $2 previously, and all in the name of building mass transit. News flash: At those prices, you won't need mass transit except for your locals. Nobody's coming except for the occasional Packer's game, if they're going to feel you're becoming modern day pirates, pillaging anyone who steps into your path.

Yo Yo Yo, you yo-yo! I'm always amazed by what some people consider as an impressive accomplishment. Take for example the case of Steven Gilmore Jr., age 21, from Gainesville Florida. Steven Jr. is an aspiring rap singer (which to me is an oxymoron anyway), who wanted to improve his "street cred" by committing a violent crime. He thought it would make him more appealing as a rapper, while having the side-effect of making him less appealing as a human. But that's another story. Mr. Gilmore attempted to rob a convenience store in May, and during commission of this act he shot a clerk numerous times in the buttocks with a BB gun. Police said after a brief investigation, Gilmore was arrested and has confessed to the crime, explaining that he has a much better chance of making it if he's recognized as a thug. I wonder how much "cred" he gets for being recognized as a narcissistic idiot.

Some things are flip-flopped in that "other" Hemisphere....

Normally, I think of the Land Down Under, Australia, as a pretty competent place with smarter-than-the-average-bear people. But I read a story that made me question certain priorities. Addressing a conference in Hobart, Australia, professor Julie Quinlivan, Dean of the University of Notre Dame Australia's medical school, said that for disadvantaged teenage girls, becoming pregnant is a good thing. According to Dean Quinlivan said it helps teach them a sense of responsibility, that may otherwise not develop. She pointed out that such teen mothers were also more likely to stop smoking, stay in school and find a job. I'm guessing she also advises young boys to become drug dealers, removing the potential stress of "having to learn a craft and doing that 9 to 5 thing the rest of their lives."

Hey Dean Quinlivan....any advice for a Seafarin' Cap'n looking for "street cred?" I don't own a BB gun, but when I feel like living on the edge, I've been known to do 56 or 57 in a 55 zone. Makes me feel like a thug.

Don't Do A 5th On The 4th!

2009-07-02T15:32:00.002-04:00

As you're heading out for a celebration of America this weekend, be sure to do so with both eyes on the road, and clear-eyed at that. Many people fall into the trap of back-yard BBQ and a handful of beers, thinking "the sun will knock out the alcohol." Not very scientific, and potentially deadly-dangerous. There's a time and a place for everything, but the road is never the place for drinking. Neither is the Bridge when I'm steering, but I usually let the First Mate handle that duty, so I can catch up on Sportscenter and Oprah. Well, Sportscenter anyway.

So let's review: Keep both eyes on the road. Keep one eye on the other drivers, who may not have heeded the warning. Keep another eye on your kids. Keep yet another eye open for a Wendy's (those new Asian boneless wings are the DEAL!), and if you still have any more eyes available, watch whatever you feel like. Have a safe weekend and enjoy your local fireworks from a safe distance.

Little Deuce Coup?

2009-06-30T12:31:00.009-04:00

Central America has a long history of political comings-and-goings, and not everything goes by the book. This week was witness to another such incident, when military leaders in Honduras decided they had seen enough of President Manuel Zelaya, unceremoniously whisking him away to Costa Rica, with a hearty "Don't let the banana leaves hit you on the backside on your way out." According to our own Chief Executive, Prez-O, Mr. Zelaya is "still the President of Honduras" in the eyes of the United States. Then again, we're here and they're there and never the twain shall meet. So nobody currently knows what the ramifications will be. One set of Americans is squarely in the cross-hairs, though: passengers on board certain cruise ships. Numerous ships make a call at Roatan, which is in the Bay Islands off the Caribbean coast of Honduras, but technically it's still Honduran territory. Even though it's only accessible by ferry, there's nothing to say troops will or won't come across the waters to Roatan, and that's making cruise lines a bit nervous. At least for now, Carnival has asserted it will continue its calls there, uninterrupted. That's good news for passengers who had recently read about or experienced port disruption in Mexico, due to piggie-flu. Roatan is a divers' paradise, home to the largest barrier reef in the Caribbean, which makes it a great stop for water-and-beach-hungry tourists. Not so much for khaki-clad, weapons-toting military units looking to capture a handful of tiki huts. After all, it's not a war as such, it's a political coup trying to establish a new Honcho or Honchette or group of Honchorinos at the top. In my opinion, the only way the military gets involved in Roatan is if the US speaks too loudly, and the military gets a wild hair and decides to make things uncomfortable for everyone concerned. Let's just hope it remains a snorkel and dive haven, with no political backdraft.

Speaking of new Monarchs, the newest namesake from Cunard, Queen Elizabeth, will be doing a 103-day cruise around the World in 2011. Ports for the circumnavigation, announced earlier this week, include LA, Sydney, Singapore, Hong Kong, Dubai, and some other countries along the route include Vietnam, Thailand, Malaysia, India, Egypt, Greece and Italy, to name a few. Fares start at the bargain-basement price of around $20,000 per person for the most modest cabins, working upwards from there. Don't be fooled into thinking they'll have to give this away, even in a weak economy. Cunard has some of the most loyal followers, and World cruises tend to sell out many months (or more) in advance. This ship will be more like the Queen Mary than the older QE2, so demand will be high right from the get-go. Mann Travels will have special amenities on the sailing through the American Express network, as well as early-booking discounts and savings. So feel free to contact me about this rare travel opportunity.

G'Morning Mr. Hatfield. You too, Mr. McCoy.

Sometimes there is no explaining bad blood between families. Or neighbors. Family Feuds still exist, and I don't mean the TV game show. In fact, one happened recently in our North Carolina back yard. According to Time Warner Newschannel 14 in Charlotte, two families from nearby King's Creek (outside Lenoir, NC) just did a "full circle" family feud:

Family A's dog killed Family B's cat.
Family B's patriarch, the cat's owner, killed Family A's dog.
Family A's patriarch, the dog's owner, shot and wounded Family B's patriarch and his daughter.
Police were called on Family A's patriarch.
Family A's patriarch shot the 2 responding Deputies
One Deputy returned fire, killing Family A's patriarch.
Circle complete. Sort of.
"Can't we all just get along????"

Many of my loyal readers write me with questions, most often things like "Who told you you could write?" or "What kind of nonsense is this" or "What's that in the road - a head?" or "What have you got on - your mind?" Well, if you think I suck at readin', writin', 'rithmetic' and bloggin', I have only one thing to say to you: CONTACT SAN JOSE STATE UNIVERSITY, and give them a big piece of my blog to sniff and whiff. San Jose State U. runs the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, looking for the worst writer in all the Land. Past champions include....uh...well, nobody you ever heard of unless you follow Bulwer-Lytton annual events. The man the contest was named after, Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, produced some awful prose back in 1830, when his novel Paul Clifford started with those infamous words, "It was a dark and stormy night..." This year's winner is 55-year-old David McKenzie from Washington, and I have to tell you there's a soft spot in The Cap'n's jib for this man. He dedicated his story to an old seafarer, kind of like me. Here's a quick excerpt:

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

Dang...this guy's good. I know what you're asking yourselves. This guy's so talented, I wonder if there are other geniuses like him? Glad you asked! Mr. McKenzie won the Grand Prize, but there were other category winners, including the Detective category won by Eric Rice of Sun Prairie, Wisconsin. Here's a sample of Eric's work, and boy let me tell you, his descriptive prowess puts you RIGHT THERE in the action!

"She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't..."

For the first time in my life, I'm speechless before such royalty.

Weekend At Bernie's, times 78,000 or so...

2009-06-29T12:07:00.018-04:00

I know you're not supposed to feel good when harm befalls someone, but in the case of Bernie Madoff, I don't consider it harm. Sounds a whole lot more like justice to me, when Judge Denny Chin sentenced Madoff to 150 years around noon today. That's just 78,000 weekends from when he enters his new home-away-from-home, but rumor has it with good behavior he could get off by his 200th birthday. Then again, the words Bernie Madoff and good behavior probably shouldn't be used in the same sentence. This guy is the poster child for 80's and 90's greed, and by ruining peoples' lives the way he did, as well as their extended families, I find myself with zero sympathy for him. None. Congratulations Judge Chin, for having the fortitude to maximize the sentence. With what America has just been through, some might call Madoff a "scapegoat", but that's not a fair representation. The truth is this man allowed people who you could characterize as his close friends, associates and acquaintances to permanently twist in the wind, just so he could have another shiny car, fancy home, or have another $100 bill to light his cigar with. He's not a scapegoat in any sense. What ye sow, so shall ye reap (give or take a ye or a shall in there). He received deplorable results from is own deplorable actions. Eye for an eye. Karma. Call it what you will, but even though it won't help his victims get through their financial hardship, they all have to have a bit of a wicked smile today. They know this lying demon is behind bars until he meets his new landlord-of-the-future, Lucifer himself. Bernie should sign up to work in the prison garden, just so he can have a few years of getting used to what a pitchfork feels like. Handle end, or business end. He's got all eternity to see and feel both.

USAToday had an interesting story about airports, and particularly the baggage carousels. Somebody had a light-bulb-moment, realizing that all that empty space luggage sits on shouldn't be blank. It should have advertisements plastered across it. We're not bombarded enough on TV, the airport walls, in-flight magazines and taxi or bus placards. The concept does make sense, I guess. Every person is standing in the baggage claim area, staring at....eh....oh yeah. The luggage carousel. Doesn't even matter if there are bags on it or not, we're staring. In fact, we're a crazy breed, us humans. Here's something you've done and probably never admitted to a soul:

You find yourself at the airport, and your flight just landed. You were one of the first off the plane, and saw the workers on the tarmac s-l-o-w-l-y taking bags off the plane, one by one. Still, you get on over to the baggage claim area in about 2 minutes, and look at the little monitor that tell you your flight's carousel is going to be # 8. Given your history of flying, and the time it's going to take to unload the suitcases for 150 people and bring them over, you know it'll be about 15 minutes if you're lucky. Probably 20. But you park yourself near the entrance to carousel # 8, so that as soon as your stuff comes off the line, you'll be out the door well ahead of the other 149 clowns on the plane who didn't plan as efficiently as you. So there you are. After about 5 minutes, you're second-guessing yourself, not sure any of the 20 people milling around carousel # 8 look like anyone you recognized from being on your flight. You check the little monitor again, and breathe a sigh of relief when you realize you're right where you need to be. Another couple of minutes goes by, and something catches your eye, which in turn catches your brain. Down the concourse about 40 yards, there's a carousel that continues to turn, and it has one lone bag on it. You saw that bag a couple of minutes ago, but now it has your attention again. It's black, with a pull-handle, and the shape and size look AWFULLY familiar. "Dear Brain: It's me. Yeah. Is there a chance in God's Universe that could possibly be my bag, that someone speed-rushed over here and put on carousel # 5 by mistake, even though the monitor says to wait patiently at carousel # 8? You think? Am I going to look like an idiot, if I sort of slide on over there to check? You think?" And so you do. A moment later you're laughing at yourself, when you realize it's some putz from Cleveland who forgot to pick it up or something, but suddenly to your horror you see there are bags coming off carousel # 8, and people grabbing things and how-could-I-be-so-stupid and suddenly your aviation and life experiences all pass before your eyes, and you realize how worthless they were.

Did I mention we're a crazy breed, us humans?

Another question for you - did you ever play-fight with a sibling or friend growing up? Have yourself a big-'ol fight, where you knew neither one of you was going to get hurt? Welcome to Shelbyville, Tennessee where a couple was arrested last weekend on domestic assault charges. Police say things started out as a disagreement, then became more heated as voices were raised, then the "assault" happened when both parties starting flinging objects at each other. You might think it was teenagers with a bit too much Bud Light in their systems, but no - this was a 40-yr. old man and 44-yr. old woman engaged in the altercation. Luckily, neither of them was injured during the assault, as their "weapon of choice" to throw at each other was Cheetos. Yes, the fluorescent-orange snacks, crunchilly-crusted with cheesy goodness, were hurled across the room during this War Of The Roses, like little twisted-finger-shaped hand grenades. Both parties posted a $2,500 bond until a court date could be set, according to the Shelbyville Times-Gazette. Now I don't know about you, but if anyone ever started throwing Cheetos across the room at me, there's only one response I could have, over and over again.

Thank you

Thank you...

The City Of Angels

2009-06-26T09:16:00.008-04:00

The word "Icon" is over-used these days, but unfortunately it does apply to 3 people lost this week, coincidentally all in Los Angeles. Today, it truly equals its namesake status, as being the city of angels. Ed McMahon became a TV icon in the 60's, 70's and 80's by being the Every-man sidekick to Johnny Carson. That led to him becoming a famous pitch-man, since if there was ever a guy you knew you could trust, it was Ed McMahon. Farrah Fawcett's dazzling smile and the famous red swimsuit poster turned her into an instant icon, the face of American pop culture. No one ever had a harsh word for her, and though her life was filled with emotional ebbs and flows, she maintained her dignity throughout. If she was the one-time Queen of pop culture, it's undeniable that Michael Jackson was the King. Always will be. His cross-generational, cross-racial, cross-genre stylism and initial boyish good looks changed the face of music and dance World-wide, forever. Last night I happened to have the TV on when the news came flooding in about his loss, and it seemed as surreal then as it does now. For whatever problems he had in his life, I chalk much of it up to being on stage since he was old enough to walk and never having a true childhood. Michael's gift was his message of peace and love, and regardless of his judicial issues I personally think there is a seat for him in Heaven. At least I hope so, for all 3 of these good people. I'm guessing Michael is already penning a song about Heaven that's making Farrah smile that famous smile, and Ed laugh that famous laugh. Nothing but best wishes from The Cap'n.

My last post was about how Carnival's Mickey Arison is going to own Alaska soon. Today, another blow to Alaska's economy was announced, when long-time travel partner Cruise West (the small-ship Alaska cruises) announced their 2010 schedule. Stunner! The line has operated 8 ships in the Great State, including their current run in 2009, but next year they will cut to just 4 ships in Alaska. The Spirit of '98, Spirit of Glacier Bay, Spirit of Oceanus and Spirit of Alaska, all of which hold about 100 passengers each, will disappear. In a statement late Thursday, which was overshadowed by the other news mentioned above, Cruise West President and CEO Dietmar Wertanzl said “Our redeployment is in response to demand, and current market conditions.” Demand for Alaska cruises is way off, and several cruise lines have cited heavy taxation and regulation on ships as a major reason for moving out. In addition to eliminating 50% of its capacity, Cruise West is dropping its 7-night voyages between Ketchikan and Juneau. It's also changing its week-long roundtrip voyage itinerary out of Juneau to call on Sitka, Wrangell, Petersburg and Glacier Bay National Park. The 138-passenger Spirit of Yorktown and 102-person Spirit of Endeavour will operate other 7-night itineraries. The 84-passenger Spirit of Discovery, will do 4-night cruises to Glacier Bay National Park from Juneau. The 78-passenger Spirit of Columbia will sail 4-night Glaciers of Prince William Sound cruises from Whittier. They will also offer a 10-day Gold Rush Inside Passage itinerary. So what's been cut? Their most expansive and expensive options, the 12-, 13- and 24-night voyages offered in 2009 that headed as far north as the Bering Sea & Russia. Also, the hard-to-sell 3-night Glacier Bay cruises, which didn't seem to offer enough for the amount you had to spend in airfare to get there in the first place.

Oh, citizens of Alaska.....how's that $50 per cruise ship passenger "head tax" working out for you now? Your collective greed, and mismanagement by your highest elected officials, will leave a whole lot of darkness, in the Land of the Midnight Sun. Maybe you should look to bring an NFL team to Alaska, as a way to re-coup the tens-of-millions of dollars you've cost yourselves. Your motto could be a tongue-in-cheek barb aimed at Green Bay, Wisconsin:

"You think YOU'VE got frozen tundra?!"

Parents always want their kids to be more successful than themselves. Some just try harder to make it happen. A high school secretary in Huntington, PA has been criminally-charged with changing the grades in a school system computer, to improve her daughter's class standing. Caroline Maria McNeal is accused of using the passwords of 3 co-workers without their knowledge, to tamper with dozens of grades and test scores, according to the Pennsylvania Attorney General's office. McNeal, 39, is alleged to have improved her daughter Brittany's grades and reduced those of 2 classmates, to enhance Brittany's standing in her graduating class! Reducing the classmates' grades is even more shocking, and less-forgivable than changing her daughter's grades, in the eyes of the prosecutors. Fortunately, school officials were able to correct the grades before the students graduated. Attorney General Tom Corbett said the case involves a serious violation of public trust. "Our citizens depend on people in public positions, including school employees, to protect the safety and security of these records and not use confidential information for their own benefit." McNeal was charged with 29 counts of unlawful use of a computer, and 29 counts of tampering with public records. Each count is a 3rd-degree felony punishable by a maximum of 7years in prison and a $15,000 fine. Her daughter Brittany McNeal is considered innocent, and not charged with any wrong-doing. In all, McNeal is accused of altering nearly 200 scores and grades covering 4 school years. The situation came to light when an employee of the high school guidance office discovered conflicting SAT scores for Brittany. Scores provided directly by the College Board showed a cumulative score of 1370, while the "amended" submission showed 1730 (!), according to court papers.

I guess that calls for a new Latin phrase, to be posted on a Valedictorian's diploma. You've seen "Magna" and "Summa". Now there's this graduation addendum:

MOMMA CUM LAUDE

Sarah, Sarah..storms are brewing in your eyes...

2009-06-23T14:14:00.025-04:00

Without the "H", it's a beautiful song by Starship with the incomparable Mickey Thomas on vocal. With the "H", it's the intrepid Governor of Alaska, who has turned a blind eye to cruise industry complaints about her State. As I've mentioned before in this blog, 3 years ago Alaskans voted an indiscriminate cruise passenger head-tax, in theory to generate revenue for their state. Theory-be-damned, the truth of the matter is 30-40% of all cruise ships are pulling out of Alaska next year, and Ms. Palin's State is going to be losing tens of millions of dollars in revenue. All from greed, and inept leadership. Now the other shoe (or possibly a hammer) is about to drop. You don't go fooling with Mother Nature, or Father Cruising himself - Carnival Corporation's Mickey Arison. He's tried peaceful negotiations, explaining how Alaskans were making a huge error in judgment with this tax, and now Mr. Arison has announced litigation is coming soon. That's right, the cruise industry vs. the State Of Alaska, in a no-holds-barred Texas Cage Match. As Daniel Day Lewis would say, "There will be blood!"

Arison had some very harsh words for Governor Palin, noting "she needs to concentrate on Alaska and stop running for President 2012." The Godfather Of Carnival also added that this month's U.S. Supreme Court decision, striking down a tax on oil tankers in Valdez, Alaska, supports the company's position that the cruise tax violates the tonnage clause of the United States Constitution. "It came down exactly as we anticipated - states do not have the right to charge taxes on ships in that manner." For her part, Ms. Palin hasn't really spoken publicly about the new lawsuit dilemma, but we all know the woman can smell publicity better than a bloodhound in a skunk factory. Alaska is already going to take a huge hit in 2010 when the ships wave buh-bye, and if the Court happens to agree with Arison and make any tax payback retroactive, you'll be looking at Alaska with a big sign outside the Anchorage airport, saying "CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE." Who knows, maybe Arison will get back so much in taxes, and property will be so cheap in Alaska, he'd be able to open his own theme park up there. Call it CARNIVALASKA WORLD. It's mascot would have to be named after Mr. Arison himself: Mickey Moose.

Now that Homeland Security is going the extra mile for background checks on cruises and vacation packages, quite a few deadbeat parents are rising from obscurity. When you go to get a now-required US passport for travel, they also investigate your personal history for outstanding warrants, including deadbeat parents owing child support. One such individual, who I dare say won't be receiving his passport any time soon, is Flint Michigan native Thomas Frazier. The 42-year old father to many was jailed in April, after his unpaid child-support tab reached a staggering $530,000. The prodigious Mr. Frazier has 14 children, with 13 different women. When the Judge questioned his roaming ways, he proclaimed that all his life he was only trying to "find someone who would love me for me." I believe you did that already...more than a dozen times that we know of... Another Father-Of-The-Year candidate is Desmond Hatchell, 29, of Knoxville, Tennessee. He appeared in court this past May, where he too was questioned by a Judge about his lack of payment and commitment. Mr. Hatchell, despite working a minimum-wage job, has "laid claim" genetically to 21 children so far, by 11 different women. In an interview with WLVT-TV in Knoxville, he said, "I never intended to have this many kids. Some things just happen." And some things need to be kept in their place. Surprisingly, Madonna has not shown up in either Flint or Knoxville looking to adopt any of the kids yet, but it's early in the week.

Obstructed Vowel Syndrome?

It's a spelling mantra that generations of schoolchildren have learned: "I before E, except after C." It was good enough for your grandparents, parents, you and me and anyone down the food chain from there, but not for the British Government. The Creators of our English language have instructed teachers not to pass the rule on to new students, declaring "there are simply too many exceptions to call it a rule." The Support For Spelling document, which is being sent to thousands of primary schools across the UK, says it's not worth teaching, because it doesn't account for words like sufficient, veil and their. Ok, Citizens and Britizens. 'Their' is a fairly common word. But I doubt many 5-year olds in your country or in the USA are using 'sufficient' and 'veil' in sentences. In fact, let's look at some other exceptions to the rule:

beige, codeine, conscience, deify, deity, deign, eider, either, feisty,foreign, forfeit, gneiss, heifer, height, heinous, heir, heist, neigh, neither, peignoir, prescient, science, seine, seismic, seize, sheik, society, sovereign, surfeit, vein, and weird.

Doubtful any 5-year olds are wielding these words in their oral arsenal either, so I'll let the last word on the list speak for Great Britain doing away with this fun, multi-generational rule:
WEIRD!

There are new rumblings from the UK Government as well. The Country's Prime Headmaster is attempting to abolish another long-held tradition in English Elementary Schools, the telling of stories that can traumatize children at a time when they are most impressionable. He speaks of decades of these Steven King-like horror tales, recounted by teachers who have frightened entire generations of kids into submission. One example cited is a tale of 2 unaccompanied minors, a boy and a girl, who were left on their own to do backbreaking chores for their families. While performing these tasks, with no adult supervision or assistance anywhere nearby, the young lad tripped and fell, sustaining a serious concussion and possible intra-cranial bleeding. The other child attempted to help her fallen friend, but in doing so found herself also losing her footing, and taking a severe fall. This resulted in lacerations and bruises over much of her body. You're probably asking "What kind of insane stories are teachers telling our beloved children?" Here is the example piece, verbatim....you be the judge:

Jack & Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after

Electrifying stuff, to be sure!

PS: I know there's no such position as a Prime Headmaster, but sometimes you do what you have to do in the name of comedy.

Pullmantur? Ay, Caramba!

2009-06-19T12:47:00.012-04:00

Sometimes you hear stories about people getting married, then shortly thereafter one of the newlyweds finds out his or her spouse is a bazillion dollars in debt. Or that they are already married, and never divorced. Bigamy? No, big-a you! It's the stuff that reigns on Dr. Phil or Maury Povich, where truth rarely gets in the way of entertainment. At this point, I'll bet Royal Caribbean Cruise Line wishes there had been an "October Surprise" before they purchased Spanish company Pullmantur in November of 2006. The theory was that it was an already-existing cruise line in the Spanish-speaking market, based in Spain, and it would be a natural chain of growth and projection for Royal Caribbean overall. Yeah, the best laid plans. First, the economy started nose-diving after the "marriage" and has never yet recovered. Then they were set to launch a brand new ship called the Pacific Dream, which was targeting the Mexican audience, home-based in Acapulco, Mexico. Along comes the H1N1 swine flu, and the ship had to sit empty and idle until fears and the illness itself passed. Then Acapulco had the drug dealers and police recreating the shootout at the OK Corral. Now the sister ship Ocean Dream, which is sailing around the Caribbean, is also having issues. Turns out there are a number of active H1N1 flu cases on board, including crewmembers, and when the ship has arrived at various islands for its anticipated call, something quite UN-anticipated happened. Local Authorities said "Thanks, but no thanks." Basically, don't let the Sea Wall hit you in the backside on the way out. The ship was turned away from Grenada, and yesterday Venezuela booted them from their expected stop at Margarita Island. In a similar move, Antigua and St. Lucia also turned away passengers in the last 2 weeks.

Thus far, instead of turning a tidy profit for Royal Caribbean and its shareholders, it's estimated that Pullmantur has cost the company about $50 million dollars! Too late for an annulment, I'm sure. Oh - and Royal Caribbean got another piece of untimely news this week as well, this time concerning their latest-and-greatest Oasis Of The Seas, set to come to the marketplace in December 2009. They've premiered rock-climbing, ice-skating, flow-rider surfing and all that jazz on previous ships. For Oasis, the proposed gimmick, gadget, onboard perk or whatever you want to call it was blimp rides off the back of the ship. You heard correctly. The mini-blimp was to be tethered to the back of the ship, and passengers could go up and fly 200+ feet above the ocean, before being retrieved back on board from their heart-pumping thrill-ride. Then reality set in. During last week's highly-publicized sea trials, where the ship was put through the motions of actual cruising before delivery, they rolled out the mini-blimp for reporters and dignitaries. UP UP UP she went! A few minutes later, DOWN DOWN DOWN she came. But not on the ship. Unfortunately, she went straight down into the ocean, landing in the wake of the ship before being retrieved to embarrassing reviews. Talk about an idea that went over like a Led Zeppelin!

I've been an animal lover all my life, and have had numerous pets over the years as circumstances allowed (you can't really keep pets on board a cruise ship). And because of that, I have zero tolerance for the likes of former NFL player Michael Vick, who was involved in the inexcusable world of dog-fighting. But I also have my faith planted firmly on the side of COMMON SENSE, and think that the spokes-people at PETA (People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals, which technically should be PFTETOA) oftentimes need to have their heads examined. By real human MD's. Or PHD's or PETAD's or somebody with at least a lick of sense and a professional medical background. In the last 48 hours, PETA has lashed out at Prez-O, our Fearless Leader, after he was photographed swatting a fly. The President has been getting kudos for his lightning-fast, Mr.Miyagi-worthy reflexes when he slayed the pesky house fly during an interview with CNBC. Now PETA called his actions - and I'm not making this up - an"execution" and they want the Commander-In-Chief to show more compassion. Even for one of "the least sympathetic of the animal kingdom." They even went so far as to send Prez-O a device that traps flies, so they can be released outside in a humane fashion. In a related move, they sent Our Numero Uno an 18-foot fortified steel cage, in case Mr. Obama is ever attacked by a man-eating shark. He can just lure the critter inside, close the cage, and release it back into the wild, to eat someone less-noteworthy. PETA. Ya'all get a grip on yer'selves, OK THEN?

Did you mean "Get Acupuncture" when you said "Stick It?"

Doctors in China examined a man, after he showed up at a hospital complaining of shooting pains throughout his body. He said he had lived with the pain for a while, but it was just getting too intense. The medical staff performed scans and x-rays on the man, and reportedly found over 100 needles throughout his body, 38 in his stomach alone! When he was questioned, the man said he used to play with his Mother's needles a lot as a child, but he has no memory of putting them into his body. A hospital spokesman said "It's a miracle they've been in there so long, without becoming infected," Surgeons have begun a series of delicate operations to remove the needles, and the numerous surgeries could take nearly a year to complete. He should have just swallowed some spools of thread, and he could have sewn himself a new stomach lining. Maybe a classic houndstooth. FABULOUS!

Musta Been The Right Time, But Musta Been The Wrong Plane (thank you Dr. John)

2009-06-18T08:48:00.013-04:00

Not a good public relations morning for Continental Airlines today. You may have already heard they had an unaccompanied 8-year old child two days ago, who was supposed to fly from Dallas to Charlotte, but flight personnel put her on the wrong plane. She wound up in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Easy to see that mistake, right? Both "Charlotte" and "Fayetteville" have the letters A, E, L and double TT in them. Of course I'm kidding, and that's what parents pay an extra $75 each direction on their ticket for, to avoid this kind of dangerous error. Then yesterday, just one day after the nationally-publicized incident, when you'd think flight crews would be at their most vigilant, it happened again. Another young girl, this time a 10-year old from Boston, was placed on a plane by her father, bound for Cleveland. Next stop, Newark! Another huge blunder by check-in personnel and flight crews, who failed to cross-check something as major as a MINOR! I'm sure they cross-checked seat belts, exit doors, overhead bins, and to make sure they had a full beverage cart, but forgot to verify their precious human cargo. In a word, inexcusable. Not that it happened twice, that it happened at all. There are supposed to be protective systems in place, and the fact that both these incidents happened a single day apart, both on Continental, tells me they need to clean house when it comes to their training on this issue. Hopefully this is the last time we hear of a child endangered like this. I'm sure the lawyers retained by the victims' families will have something to say behind closed doors as well. To me, there is an underlying issue that is equally important, if not more so (if that's possible). For those children to have been put on the wrong plane, it means boarding passes were not checked against the manifest. Huh?! With all the security put in place after 9/11, we still have airport security people who don't get it? For those directly responsible for who did or didn't get on the plane, INCLUDING THAT PERSON'S LUGGAGE, I'm not sure re-training is the answer. I'm thinking pink slip. Bright pink. Buh-Bye.

Sometimes I read other travel sites for a laugh, because the advice they give can range from inaccurate to pathetic. But once in a while, somebody gets it right (unlike me, who is right 100% of the time...as my followers well know). USAToday posted an article on line today, about taking teens on vacation, and I really think it's spot-on. Here's a link:

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/news/2009-06-17-traveling-with-teens_N.htm

I don't have teens, but I once was one. And I've been around enough traveling families to know this is excellent feedback, and worth a read for those who do have middle-age kids.

Remember Al Pacino in the movie And Justice For All? He had a memorable courtroom scene where, after being admonished by the judge that he was out of order, he screams "You're out of order! You're out of order! You're ALL out of order!" Now a baseball umpire has had a similar experience, at a high school game in Iowa. Umpire Don Briggs had no problem with any of the coaches or student athletes last Thursday, in a game between Winfield-Mount Union and West Burlington. His problem was in the stands and bleachers. He said parents and fans became extremely unruly - yelling, arguing and threatening to fight each other. The Ump ran onto the field, waved his arms, raised his voice and threw his right arm in the wild swinging motion that says "You're OUTTA HERE!" So who was he ejecting from the game? The crowd. All of them. Over 100 spectators were tossed out of the stadium, and told the game would not continue until every one of them had left. It took a while to get everyone to agree to leave, but the game resumed after a 40-minute delay. West Burlington won 12-11. Just to be safe, Umpire Briggs called police as a precautionary back-up. West Burlington police officer Al Waterman says there were no arrests, and by the time he arrived he did not witness any unruliness. All this in the state that gave us Field of Dreams.
"Is this Hell? No - it's Iowa!"

Have you ever told somebody a bit of news which you THOUGHT would spur a reaction, but got virtually nothing? It happened to a Georgia couple recently. Chuck Hill was playing the Georgia Lottery, and when he scratched the ticket he realized he had won $5,000 in the "Weekly Win Fall" game. He came home to break the news to his wife Karen. After hearing he had just won $5,000 her reaction was "So?" As it turns out, Karen is also a player. She had bought a scratch-off ticket for the "World Class Millions" game on her way to work. Her $20-dollar ticket won the $1-million dollar Grand Prize! The couple has two children, ages 6 and 8, and say they will pay off their bills before deciding what to do with the money.

From the lucky to the unlucky. NOTE TO SELF: If I ever decide to have and excruciatingly-painful tattoo placed on my head, I will not sleep through the procedure. A Belgian woman is suing a tattoo artist, alleging in her lawsuit that she woke up and found 56 stars inked on her face. The 18-year-old claims she fell asleep in the tattoo parlor, and the artist misunderstood her request for 3 stars, mistakenly adding another 53 of his own accord. She says she awoke to "a living nightmare." The tattoo artist in his counter-claim says the teen was not asleep during the procedure at all. In fact, she looked in the mirror several times and was completely happy with the results, until she got home and her father saw it. The teen says she wants to keep some of the tattoos, mainly the ones on her forehead, but plans to have the rest removed.
"Is this Hell? No - it's Belgium!"

In Monty Python and the Holy Grail, there's a great bit from the Middle Ages, where an old man is loaded onto a cart carrying "the dead", but he's still very much alive. He keeps proclaiming "I'm not dead yet. Actually, I'm feeling much better." Flash to current-day Europe, where an 84-year old Polish woman woke up in the hospital morgue, because her doctor her declared her dead. She was taken to the mortuary after she had collapsed at her home. The mortuary staff was quoted as saying, "she wasn't showing any signs of life, even when we were putting her into the plastic bag. Suddenly when we took her into the morgue she started to move." A doctor was quickly called, and confirmed the woman's vital signs had returned. She was rushed to a local hospital, where she was placed in intensive care. Experts say the woman may have suffered from a disease that has symptoms which mimic death.

"Actually, I'm feeling MUCH BETTER!"

Flyin' High Again (and again, and again....)

2009-06-16T14:16:00.017-04:00

Mark Malkoff is a filmmaker and comedian, who happens to have Erica Jong's disease: Fear Of Flying. He's lived with it some 33 years, and he's finally had enough. So how do you get over such a thing? This may not work for you or me, but Mr. Malkoff decided to book an Air Tran flight from NY LaGuardia to Atlanta on June 1st. That was just the beginning. He is attempting to fly all-day, every day for a full month, and his itineraries range from 5 to as many as a dozen flights per day, with destinations including Raleigh, N.C., Jacksonville, Fla., Denver, Pittsburgh and St. Louis. By selecting Air Tran, he's a bit more limited on where he goes than carriers who also handle the Caribbean, Europe etc. But it DOESN'T MATTER! It's all about being airborne. To combat the loneliness, his wife actually joins him and flies with him on the weekends. He says the hardest part is washing his hair in the lavatories on board, and cleaning himself with baby wipes. He insists his fear is abating, and that overall the experience has been a positive one. It's had the side-effect of curing some of his other fears as well. Previously, he had excruciating anxiety attacks, riddled with fear of:

1) Baby wipes
2) Rolling carts filled with beverages
3) Snoring strangers
4) Unruly kids with oblivious parents

and most of all

5) The embarrassment of not understanding the
workings of a seat belt (practice makes perfect!)

You can check out his daily blog at http://www.markonairtran.com/

Don't you love it when companies pretend to care? I always find it laughable when I see a TV ad for an oil company, spouting about how they are loving and caring to the environment. Yeah SURE you are. Here's a new twist on that notion from "across the pond" in Britain. London's celebrated high-end restaurant Nobu serves a bluefin tuna entree, for the equivalent of about $51.00 US Dollars. However, they are apparently ashamed enough about serving bluefin, according to a May report in the London Daily Telegraph, that it comes with a caveat. Printed on the menu is this advisory:

"Bluefin tuna is an environmentally threatened species -- please ask your server for an alternative."

The dictionary describes that as "blatant disregard"

It's not just the Brits with strange headlines this month. The BBC also has news from the Czech Republic. Seems the Czech newspaper Lidove Noviny reported recently that, as late as 1975, the communist government of Czechoslovakia was actively planning to dig a tunnel from that landlocked country, underneath Austria and the part of Yugoslavia that is now Slovenia, to give it rail access to the Adriatic Sea, 250 miles away. It is not known what the Austrians and the Yugoslavs thought of the idea, but just imagine if Mexico or Canada tried to run tunnels under the United States. Good plan. No word on whether the then-Czech communist government had considered digging straight through to China, to save on skyrocketing rice and tea prices.

Then again, we're not immune to weirdness right here in North Carolina. Just an hour up the road in Hickory, NC a man named Donny Guy, 31, was arrested and charged with burglary of the Captain's Galley Seafood restaurant, in a caper caught on surveillance video. Mr. Guy was immediately a suspect, because he lives in an apartment just 150 feet from the restaurant. Little did he know, he had left two identifying paper trails during the robbery, which led police almost directly to his front door. Watching the video, they saw the suspect "escaping" with two cash registers, one under each arm. Unfortunately for Mr. Guy, he failed to notice that the spools of receipt paper from each machine had snagged on something in the restaurant, and were unraveling with each step he took. Sort of like Hansel and Gretel dropping breadcrumbs to mark their path, only easier to spot. Authorities subsequently nabbed him, just before he was able to erect a 200-foot neon arrow pointing towards his apartment, emblazoned with giant letters proclaiming "I DID IT!"

Don't Be A Bunch Of Twits

2009-06-10T12:07:00.016-04:00

Twitters, Tweeters, Twizzlers, Tweezers, whatever you or your kids happen to be, I'm here to bring you back to reality. If only a little bit. The current generation lives in the moment, and anything older than 3 minutes ago is pretty much passe (that's French for "who gives a dang?"). That's why you hear people call their friends, asking "What're you up to?" and 5 minutes later, another call, "How about now?" Sad, ain't it? Self-reliance, self-confidence, keeping focus on the task at hand, also appear to be passe. Nobody can live without keeping up with as many Joneses as they know. Now look at me, as a shining example of how to live your life without pesky interruptions.

1) No cell phone. Not now, not ever
2) No hand-held devices, other than a pen, fork, spoon, or beer
3) No laptop, not even much of a lap

There you have it, simplicity personified! When I arrive on the bridge for work, steering my ship to her next port of call, that one task takes all my energy and focus. It keeps me safe, keeps my passengers and crew safe, and if anyone comes up and asks "What're you up to?" I'd just sneer at 'em and say "Tryin' not to let some Twit wreck us!" By the way, you've gotta love the name Twitter. Derived from Twit. The second two-thirds of the word Nitwit. The Dictionary describes a Twit as a "foolishly annoying person." Need I say more?

So why am I all over Twits and Facebookers and Textomaniacs and MySpaceCadets? Because when they're so busy socializing and networking, the first casualty is often COMMON SENSE. You know about the people driving and talking, driving and texting, driving and tweeting - actually, what they're NOT doing is driving! But I'm not writing today about that, I'm writing about something I deal with all the time, which is selling travel. My generation and my parents' and so on would plan well when going on vacation. We'd contact the Post Office and stop mail service. We'd tell a trusted friend or neighbor to keep an eye out, and we'd never dream of putting a message on our answering machines, saying we were out of town or gone for a week. That's common sense, keeping a low profile as a protection for your home and property. Enter Generation Y (also known as Generation WHY?!). It's not just the kids, either. It can be anyone in the family who writes on their homepage "See you in 2 weeks - we're off to Disney World!" or "Later everybody - I'll be in touch from the Internet Cafe on our cruise!" Or you just posted real-time vacation photos saying "This is ME on top of Mt. Pookapootie." Guess what - you've just informed the known Universe that, just like many MySpaceCadets, the lights are on but nobody's home. You've told them the timetable. Your personal information, including your home address, is pretty much available to anyone on Earth who is good with a computer, and that's exactly who you're talking to. That's why I'm mentioning it on this-here blog, since we're now into Summer Vacation season, and I wanted to remind you to check yourself AND your young-un's ME ME ME websites, to make sure you don't come home to a big surprise.

It's been a good day. I called 2 of my clients earlier, to tell them I was able to upgrade them on their Alaska cruise, AND save them nearly $500. That's not an every-day thing, but it happens on occasion. People who go onto website A or B to book their travel, usually do so with a faceless, nameless reservation number and that's it. I saw it, I liked the price, I bought it and I'm done, all in the comfort of my living room and my favorite shorts. Well, lucky you. The problem is, what if something goes wrong on your trip? Who do you call, and what do they know about the history of your booking? Now you're on vacation, but it doesn't FEEL like vacation, and you have no one in your corner as an advocate. Or like the case with me today. Once my clients put down a deposit on a trip, I watch that reservation faithfully, and if there is ever a super-sale, special promotion, or fare adjustment I make sure my client gets that savings. If you book on website A or B, the computer got your money, and is programmed only to move on to the next customer and his or her credit card. You're already done - literally! And for you book-it-in-my-shorts types, all you have to do is email me and 99 times or more out of a hundred I can get you the same deal, or a better deal, and you get my services for free. Even if you're booking direct with a trusted cruise line or tour operator, you should Ask The Cap'n before giving anyone your credit card! You're booking with the power of one person. When I book you, it's part of the American Express network, and we often have group space held, where you can get a lower price using the buying power of a hundred people, not just one. Buying travel is not the same as buying an I-phone or a pair of sunglasses. If your vacation is a mess, that's your whole year gone...it can't be fixed until NEXT vacation, so you want to have a strong person standing with you. That would be me, and I love the challenge of finding price reductions for my clients, who become like family. As I said, it's been a good day.

If you didn't already believe health care has run amok, check out a story from the Wisconsin State Journal. The General Manager of the Dean Health Clinic in Madison, Wisconsin received a directive from his Corporate Headquarters: "Here is a list of 50 employees at your facility, whom we want you to lay off immediately." The 30-year veteran executive understands that now means NOW, so he complied. All 50 employees were immediately let go. It went as well as it could for 49 of them. However, the 50th name on the list was an RN who was assisting in surgery at the time. She was pulled from the procedure, leaving the Surgeon with only a hospital staffer to assist in finishing up. A clinic spokesperson later apologized, saying the Manager's timing was inappropriate, and that no patient was ever put at risk.

Why am I suddenly picturing The 3 Stooges: Larry, Curly and Moe, operating on a patient?
"Forceps!" ("Forceps!").
"Clamp!" ("Clamp!").
"Anikanipanistana!" ("Anikanipanistana!")

Jimmy Crack Peanuts, and I Don't Care...

2009-06-08T11:39:00.023-04:00

As Presidents go, Jimmy Carter was one of them. I think by anyone's account, of the 44 men who have taken the U.S. Presidential oath, he definitely ranks somewhere in the Top 42. When you ask for a 1-word assessment of President Carter, you'll hear things like "nice." Not that nice is a bad thing, but he's done more noteworthy things since he left office than when he was at the helm. Now there is an active bill in Congress to make Jimmy Carter's Plains, Georgia home a National Park. From a USAToday story I read earlier today, that might make it the first-ever haunted National Park. After Jimmy got out of the Navy, he and Rosalind moved into a shabby house on the edge of town, known mostly for a shadowy figure that was sometimes seen through a 2nd-floor window, the occasional scream-out-of-nowhere at night, and even a dog that disappeared. Now when you're talking about a non-haunted house, you'd probably say "the dog ran away." But how boring is that? Not at all in line with the context of spookiness, and evil-incarnate in a town of 635 in rural Georgia! So for the purpose of bulldozing this legislation through the Halls of Congress, we'll stick to the mystery of the vanishing pooch. You're probably asking, "What makes this creaky old structure worthy of becoming a National Park?" I'm asking the same thing. Doesn't Shrine-dom require some action remotely shrine-worthy? Sounds to me like it's a favor-for-a-favor thing, and this junker-of-a-house has no more National appeal than say Bob Saggett's childhood home. Or Al Roker's garage. In fact, I'll take Al Roker's garage any day over the haunted peanut farm.

OK now let's review. Place these National Parks in the order of their importance to Our Nation's history:

1) Yosemite
2) The Grand Canyon
3) Mount Rushmore
4) Yellowstone
5) Statue Of Liberty
6) Flippin' Jimmy Carter's haunted-shack-and-peanut-stand

Yeah, it was a bit of a trick question....when you re-did the list order, if you only wrote down the first 5 instead of all 6, you get extra credit from The Cap'n!

Is there a new Star of Bethlehem? Not the Middle East - I'm talking about Bethlehem, PA in the heart of steel country USA. Except the steel mill is closed. In its place, there is a new $738 million glamour-girl, The Sands Bethlehem Casino. Residents and investors are banking on something besides steel and coal, to revive the Pennsylvania mountains economy. The new casino features 3,000+ slot machines, video blackjack and video 3-card poker. The State of Pennsylvania does not allow table-gaming with live dealers, so this is as close as they'll get to the Vegas experience. Still, the ownership is Vegas all the way - Las Vegas Sands corporation owns the Venetian and Palazzo among its wealth of casinos, and they're not taking this lightly. They're incorporating some of the "new Vegas" attributes, such as world-class dining. Among the various lounges and eateries at the new Sands Bethlehem, you'll find celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse's latest creation, for the patrons to enjoy. There is also a plan in the works to expand to add a hotel as well. So the future may be bright for people wanting a little more scenery than Atlantic City, or who want to stay East of the Mississippi. Situated in Eastern PA, in the Lehigh Valley between the Pocono Mountains, it could be a breath of fresh air for a previously all-industrial State.

Over a 10-week period this summer, nearly 200 young Saudi women are auditioning for a country-wide pageant, but it's not your typical beauty pageant. It's called "Miss Beautiful Morals," in which physical attractiveness is irrelevant. Instead of swimsuits, nightgowns, and speeches on world peace, those competitions are replaced by judges deciding the level of the ladies' observance of traditional Saudi values. particularly the honoring of their mothers.

We have a slightly different pageant here in the United States, where looks, talent AND morals are completely irrelevant.

It's called: "Auditions for CBS's Big Brother Eleven"

Believing in something with all your heart is usually a good thing. Then again, there's Kailash Singh, 63, who lives in a village near the holy city of Varanasi, India. He recently told reporters that he had not bathed in the last 35 years, because in his religious beliefs remaining water-free would improve his chances of fathering a male child, instead of a female. Well, first things first: it hasn't worked. Secondly, his wife left him and now his chances of fathering any child are remote at best. Now, in a "twist of faith", he has ditched his original motives and has a new cause altogether, saying he is shunning baths until India's social problems are resolved. You know, social problems like detestable body odor. Lack of friends because of seemingly pointless convictions. That sort of thing. Reporters looked into his "back-story", to discover Singh had previously been a shop owner, but he became a farmer when business soured, with customers declining to approach him to ask for prices or buy merchandise. The fertilizer-laden fields of his farm seem to be more suited to his personal hygiene, or lack thereof.

You're not half bad - for a Klingon!

Most people who grew up with the Space program have dreamed of being an astronaut, or traveling to another planet if the technology catches up. Scientists have done a lot of research, and a whole lot of thinking on the subject, and guess what - the Next Generation of space travelers will likely have one trait in common: Ugliness. Drop-dead, butt-ugliness to be exact. Research scientists say the lack of gravity will keep bones and muscles from developing properly. Speaking at a science festival, Dr. Lewis Dartnell says living permanently in space for many years will have dramatic effects on the body Human. He says looks will be adversely affected, because we won't be required to move or keep warm, likely "frozen" cryogenically or some other method of preservation. The lack of movement and gravity will almost surely lead to bloated faces, hair loss and water pooling in the skull.

Maybe the famous Bar Scene in the movie Star Wars isn't too terribly far from the truth. Of course, when traveling at 35 Parsecs per Kilo-Month, the phrase "So - you from around here?" will be rendered meaningless...

Cheap, Cheap (no, that's not a bird you hear)

2009-06-05T09:06:00.014-04:00

It's the sound of cruise lines and hotels maintaining or lowering their prices, in the face of the continued economic downturn. But that has resulted in some surprisingly-sharp increases in bookings during the last 60 days. It can't be a coincidence that the Stock Market has made up virtually all of its 2009 losses and more, and there is an underlying optimism that maybe we've seen the worst of it. People who have put off vacations for a year or more are reaching a point where the 4 walls of their house are closing in a bit, and they're taking the plunge back into leisure travel. The most surprising thing of all is how far in advance people are booking now. Carnival came out with a new "Early-Saver" fare a few months ago, that has to be booked at least 90 days out, and is a non-refundable and non-changeable fare, but it's guaranteed to be lower than any other price they offer all year long. I'm having clients call me for cruises in November, December, January and on thinking they are way early. Guess what. Many categories are 100% SOLD OUT, which has had the secondary effect of forcing Carnival to remove the Earlybird special and raise rates, because the ships are selling too quickly! In theory, they want to maximize their profits by filling the majority of the ship early (with an Early Saver), then the next 20% of the ship at higher rates, and as it gets more and more full they can keep creeping up on price, because the demand is still there, but there's little or no supply. Business 101. In a perfect world, they'll sell the last handful of cabins a couple of weeks before sailing, at near-brochure rate which is full tariff. Since the Early Saver program is capacity controlled, and can be pulled at any moment without notice, people are calling earlier and earlier to book their trips.

It's not just Carnival. Upscale Crystal Cruises announced that this week was their top booking week for 2009, which is unheard of. For decades, the January thru March "Wave Season" was when 60-70% of people booked their trips for the year. Not now. 2009 started as a disaster, but has been picking up momentum every week. Another high-end cruise line, Silversea, announced that the week of May 26th was the largest booking week for new reservations in their 15-year history! So whether you're a Carnival client, Royal Caribbean, Princess, Holland America, Regent or Silversea, the deals are there and you're missing a golden opportunity to get back in the game, if you're just sitting on the sidelines. So I say to you now: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Call or email me for rates and availability for a future sailing, and let's get you on vacation!

It's not just for humans anymore....

A recent article in the Agence France Presse Newspaper, quotes a journal article from researchers at the University of Whitwatersrand (South Africa) and the University of Sydney (Australia). In the journal, they reported that young male Augrabies lizards were able to avoid older predatory males, by pretending to be female and suppressing their extravagant male coloration until they are fully developed and able to fend for themselves. What does that mean in layman's terms? Young male Augrabies lizards are cross-dressing. The males-pretending-to-be-females are able to avoid attacks by other more dominant males, while increasing their own freedom to spark romance with unsuspecting females. The report goes on to say these masters-of-gender-disguise have to remain careful, because older males might still whiff their male scent, which cannot be suppressed.....even under a to-die-for cocktail dress and some exquisite pumps.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. Are you? If so, I've got JUST THE RECIPE for you! Seattle, Washington-based "Black Rock Spirits"has recently concluded a 2-year taste test on a new type of liquor, and has brought the new product to market locally. It's called Bakon Vodka. As the spelling-challenged name might suggest, this is a flavored vodka, based on the concept of meat-and-potatoes. The vodka is made from fresh Idaho russet potatoes, flavored with everyone's favorite Porky The Pig classic, bacon. The tasty aperitif is currently only available in Washington State and a few nearby locations, but orders are pouring in from New York and other areas across the country. Bar drinks are already being developed, like a New York restaurant planning to offer a delight called Pork Soda (Bakon Vodka and Coke). Others include a Bacon Bloody Mary and Bacon-Chocolate Martini. According to its website, Bakon Vodka is "a superior potato vodka with a savory bacon flavor. It's clean, crisp, and delicious."

My understanding is bartenders will no longer be able to shout out "Last call." Instead, they'll be required to say:
"A-ba-dee-a-ba-dee-a-ba-dee-a-ba That's All, Folks!"

Prez-O, Change-O!

2009-06-04T13:18:00.007-04:00

President Obama certainly has carved out a worldwide personality for himself. I lived through Kennedy, and this guy has more charisma if that's possible. I lived through Reagan, and thought I had seen the biggest personality and the "great peacemaker." I lived through Clinton, and thought I had seen the best politician. I lived through G.W. Bush (ok, just barely). Today, Prez-O spoke live in Cairo, trying to bring the US back to the world community, particularly the Arab world. Get past your biases and mistrust. That's what he said, and that's what I'm telling you as well. After 9/11 we all had thoughts we're not proud of, and this strong, gentle, singular man makes me proud to be an American. If you read his speech from today, I swear Abraham Lincoln would be smiling, and would proudly place that speech next to his Gettysburg Address. He promised change in the campaign, and I think everyone assumed he meant here at home. There's been some of that, to be sure...but change has been sorely needed in the International family of nations, where we have lost so much respect over the last few years. Somehow we lost our standing, and even some of our dignity. But nothing is ever completely beyond repair, and I believe strongly that Prez-O is the man to get the job done. Well played, Sir!

Dutch Treats

"A-B-C. It's easy as 1-2-3. " Wasn't it about 357 years ago Michael Jackson sang those lyrics? Seems like it to me, but they're really good lyrics to remember during Summer months. This is the time when we start watching the coast of Africa to see little blops of clouds, that can grow and turn into those big H-storms. You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones they name after women? A-B-C might be the solution to your vacation worries. I'm talking about the islands of Aruba, Bonaire (pronounced BONE-AIR), and Curacao (pronounced CURE-A-SOW). These 3 islands sit so far South in the Caribbean, in close proximity to South America, they are all-but immune to those H-storms. Although they are all Dutch territories of the Netherlands Antilles, each has its own distinct personality. Everyone knows Aruba. Some people only know Curacao as a blue liqueur, and YES it is made on the island, but Curacao is much more than that. From the pastel Bermuda-like buildings downtown, to the oceanfront market area, the excellent diving, and Dutch influences in the shops such as Delft plates and wooden shoes, Curacao paints a fascinating picture for visitors. The way Curacao is like Aruba's shadow, Bonaire is the laid-back little brother to the larger islands, sort of "Curacao Lite." It's best claim to fame is as a scuba diver's delight, and noted for its birdwatching, snorkeling and overall Jimmy Buffet style. You're not going to find Marriotts, Ritz-Carltons or the like on Bonaire. Go find yourself another island, Mon! But you could do 3 separate vacations to these unique islands, and enjoy 3 very different experiences even though they are close together and all Dutch-influenced. Getting there from Charlotte is easy stuff as well. Most of the year there are non-stop flights in and out of Aruba, and both Bonaire and Curacao can be reached with a quick, single connection. These islands are also quite popular in the Winter-time, because you're virtually guaranteed warm weather even when it's in the 50's or under in Florida.

It ain't waterboarding, but....

The District Attorney in Vilas County, Wisconsin recently announced he was seeking volunteers, for a forensic test to help his case against Douglas Plude, age 42. Mr Plude is scheduled to stand trial soon for the 2nd time in the death of his wife. The volunteers must be female, about 5-feet-8 and 140 pounds, and will have to stick their heads into a toilet bowl and have it flushed. Plude is charged with drowning his wife in a commode, but his version (which the prosecutor will try to show is improbable) is that his wife committed suicide by flushing herself. So far, the list of volunteers has been (not-surprisingly) a very short list.

Speaking of our Judicial System, I'm not sure what it would take in New Hampshire before someone screams out ENOUGH! Paul Baldwin, 49, is accused of punching someone in the face over the weekend. Baldwin told a judge Monday he plans to plead guilty to the assault, along with trespassing and alcohol charges. He said he's had a long battle with alcohol, and was trying to correct the problem during his most recent year-long jail term, which ended last week. The Daily Democrat newspaper suggested he may not be trying hard enough, pointing out that Baldwin's record dates back to 1984, and includes 152 other arrests, 8 trespass orders, 75 citations, 4 Social Security aliases and 17 name aliases. Prosecutor Rena DiLando attempted to read Baldwin's full criminal record during the arraignment, before the judge stopped her, saying "...and so on, and so forth..." Hey, New Hampshire. Your motto is Live Free Or Die, and I'm thinking this guy has lived free just about enough. Lock him up, send me the key, and I'll find a nice place near Davey Jones' Locker to drop it overboard.

Just another day at the beach? Not so much recently for a Chinese man. The un-named 30-year-old saw 5 of his colleagues involved in a tug-of-war. Wanting to be one of the gang, he took up his position at the back of one side. To stabilize himself, he wrapped the rope tightly around his wrist 4 or 5 times, then threw the loose end over his shoulder and back under his arm, while he dug deeply into the sand with his legs. The contest looked to be a tie, when suddenly a large group of people in the audience rushed out to help one side, so there'd be a winner. There was such tension pulled against him, it literally ripped the hand off his arm. "I yelled for people to stop, but my voice was not loud enough to be noticed," the man said. The competition stopped when people finally noticed the severed hand, and the resulting loss of blood from the man's injury. He was taken immediately to a hospital, where the hand was reattached in a 5-hour operation. Doctors warn it will be a few days before they know if the surgery was successful or not.

Next time I'm at the beach, I'm sticking to cold beer for my personal entertainment.