Ah, the flight of youth. Back in my musician days, any time I passed someone under 30 it was "Hey, Maaaan." Luckily, that lasted quite a while for me, as I have the fortunate genetics to look 3 or 4 days younger than I really am. Then one day it happened. I held the door at Wendy's open for a younger chap, and he said "Thanks, Sir." Yuck. I had become a Sir, and by my recollection Queen Elizabeth II had never touched a sword to either of my shoulders, so it wasn't that I had been Knighted by the Crown or anything. I surmised it must have been because I no longer looked like a Maaaaaaan. I looked like a Sir. Attempting to keep a stiff upper lip, I decided to look at the glass as half-full and thought OK, at least I'm showing some maturity now (most people reach their opening level of maturity around age 16, mine was sometime in my mid-40's). At least I was being recognized.
Earlier today I looked at the clock, and just looked back again now, realizing that time continues to march forward. Sir. Yeesh. Slowly it moves, yes, but it silently continues pushing me ahead. And ahead. And further ahead, until that day is finally reached, the day everyone dreads most. The day when your life flashes before your eyes, and you think of all the things you wished you had done, but never found the time. You think of the puppy you got when you were barely old enough to open the Christmas box by yourself. You recall all the best and worst moments of your life, completely but in an instant. And then, regardless of how you wished it could have been different, there you are facing Fate itself. You had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but we're all human and everything has a beginning, middle and end (except for media coverage of Paris Hilton, which obviously has no end). On that sad day, your friends will gather, to reminisce and talk about the days of your youth, their favorite stories about you, the times when even without knowing it you had touched their lives, and there will be hugs and tears all around.
What??? You think I'm talking about dying? Good gravy, no! Heck, dying is easy. You just keel over, and wait for the truck to come and cart you off. No, I'm talking about a much more difficult day than that. The day when Sir is no longer your greatest fear. It's the day you're walking out of Wendy's and a younger chap passes you by with youthful swagger, and eye contact reveals that he's about to acknowledge you. Probably not as Maaaaaan. Much more likely to be a Hello Sir. But the world will never be the same again. As he passes by, he tips his cap, and says "What's up, Pops?"
Cap'n Bob will be on Shore Leave for the next better-part-of-a-week. If you really need me, please come to the Mirage Poker Room in Las Vegas and ask for The Cap'n. And bring your money. I'll talk to you, but you'd better be prepared to sit in for a while first. I need the cash.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Houston, we have a problem.....
Hurricane Ike. Just like Michael Myers in the movie Halloween, the more times you think this thing is dead, the more times it sits up and comes after you with evil intent. Jamie Lee Curtis, if you're in Houston right now, GET OUT! Even earlier today the computer models had this thing going anywhere from Brownsville to Louisiana, with Corpus Christi the likeliest target, but now it seems to be holding a bit further North. That means the cruise ship port of Galveston, and the inland city of Houston are in for a ride. There's no silver lining to be found here, if you're wondering.....this darn storm is just a mess, and has carved a horrendous wake in the Atlantic and Northern Caribbean. Cuba will be reeling for years behind this deadly hurricane, and of course with the current government we'll never get the true story of how badly they were hit. At least there is nothing trailing Ike at the moment. The Caribbean, Florida and tropical Atlantic have been hammered one after another rat-a-tat-tat, for weeks on end. As they say, you deserve a break today.
Thankfully, the Prez candidates have called a momentary truce while the Country remembers its fallen from 9/11. I was glad to see that politics, as muck-raking as they've been, can take a back seat to something truly memorable and important albeit for 24 hours (if we're lucky).
I remember the morning of 9/11/01 hours before its infamy....living in the Carolinas, we always brag about the Carolina Blue sky, and I remember walking to my car that morning on the way to work. Bright sunshine abounded, it was a nice comfortable temperature, and I can recall looking up and actually saying "that's the most beautiful sky I've ever seen." Little more than 2 hours later, it turned into the meanest and most despicable sky of all time. Sometimes irony is, well, ironic. I first heard the news when Allison Yezek spoke up from across the room, saying a plane had just hit the World Trade Center. In my mind's eye, I'm picturing a Cessna that lost control, and was hoping the single pilot got out ok. Within minutes, the world we live in changed forever. While zealots dreamt of their brand of heaven, expecting dozens of virgins to be waiting for them, I said a prayer asking that a new level of Hell be opened up, to accommodate the kind of gross inhumanity these sadists had created and rained down on the world. I won't know if that prayer was answered until I'm standing at the Gates, but it gives me a bit of calm in the name of justice, to think MAYBE it was.
Thankfully, the Prez candidates have called a momentary truce while the Country remembers its fallen from 9/11. I was glad to see that politics, as muck-raking as they've been, can take a back seat to something truly memorable and important albeit for 24 hours (if we're lucky).
I remember the morning of 9/11/01 hours before its infamy....living in the Carolinas, we always brag about the Carolina Blue sky, and I remember walking to my car that morning on the way to work. Bright sunshine abounded, it was a nice comfortable temperature, and I can recall looking up and actually saying "that's the most beautiful sky I've ever seen." Little more than 2 hours later, it turned into the meanest and most despicable sky of all time. Sometimes irony is, well, ironic. I first heard the news when Allison Yezek spoke up from across the room, saying a plane had just hit the World Trade Center. In my mind's eye, I'm picturing a Cessna that lost control, and was hoping the single pilot got out ok. Within minutes, the world we live in changed forever. While zealots dreamt of their brand of heaven, expecting dozens of virgins to be waiting for them, I said a prayer asking that a new level of Hell be opened up, to accommodate the kind of gross inhumanity these sadists had created and rained down on the world. I won't know if that prayer was answered until I'm standing at the Gates, but it gives me a bit of calm in the name of justice, to think MAYBE it was.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Lipstick Jungle
The Prez campaign took on a new gloss yesterday. Senator Obama used a long-time, well-recognized adage to describe when change isn't really change: "You can put lipstick on a pig....." (but people will still recognize it as a pig). Senator McCain had used the exact same phrase earlier in the campaign when describing Hillary Clinton's position on a particular issue. Everybody has heard that phrase before. BUT -- that was before the coming-out party last week. Now that Sarah Palin used the word lipstick in her big splashy please-allow-me-to-introduce-myself speech (by the way, isn't that from Sympathy For The Devil?), the Repubs are now crying foul, asserting that Obama is calling Mrs. Palin a pig. Lame. Just another example of politics by distraction. When you don't have the majority agreeing with your positions, you have to do what a magician does....create an illusion. As much as the Democrats try to keep this election about the issues that will MARK OUR LIVES for at least the next 4 years, the Grand Old Party keeps trying to spin it to personality (Sarah's, not John's) and distractions.
I've used a similar metaphor when describing cruise ships that have been "refurbished". If you're not familiar with the word, refurbishment is when you take a ship that has some age on it, take her out of service for a couple of weeks, and do a new paint job, lay new carpeting, and perform some other cosmetic changes, in an attempt to freshen the ship up so it can compete against the newer, fancier ships. The way Cap'n Bob says it is "You can take a duck and paint it yellow, but at the end of the day all you've got is a yellow duck." Hey wait a minute -- that's change that isn't really change! Lipstick on a pig. For you Green Acres fans, it would be like putting Ralph Monroe in a Dolce and Gabbana gown. Yowza!!
Speaking of cruising, you truly get a cross-section of people when you take a cruise. You may be seated at a table with a Doctor, Lawyer, Farmer, Student, Engineer, Secretary, or possibly Lions, Tigers and Bears (yes, professional athletes cruise too!). Some folks are 1-of-a-kind, but most people fall into a category. Here are some you might see on board.....
TOP 10 CRUISER TYPES:
1) THE WHATEVERS. This is my favorite kind of traveler. They know that we live in an imperfect world, and although the cruise lines try to make every vacation wonderful, sometimes a storm can come up, or a medical emergency that forces the ship to alter itinerary, or any number of things that aren't exactly what it said in the brochure. That's ok! The Whatevers are going to have fun, come rain or shine. My suggestion - strive to be a Whatever.
2) JED, JETHRO AND ELLIE MAE. Oh my goodness! Lookee at all them people. Have you ever seen such a thing as this? I declare, this boat must be bigger than 50 barns. I swear there must be a million lights in that lobby, and did you see them clear elevators where you could just about see everything when those ladies got lifted upstairs? What're all them non-American words on the menu I can't read -- Russian or something? It's kind of fun to hang around Jed and all his kin. It's like the Discovery Channel for humanity.
3) THE SNOWBIRDS. Typically, our friends from the frozen tundra to the North, Canada....but can also be Minnesotans, Mainers, Wisconsonites, and Michiganders (by the way, who in heaven's name came up with those monikers???). You may not recognize the Snowbirds initially, except for their Roots logo clothing, but when they get out by the pool, oh my. You'll see skin that rivals a newborn's backside, so pale it's nearly clear. That'll last about 12 minutes. The Snowbirds are used to those Lake Superior beaches, where you can lay out for 5-6 hours using Hawaiian Tropic SPF O with coconut oil, palm oil, cottonseed oil, extra-virgin olive oil, and some Crisco thrown in for crispiness. Snowbird on, Red Lobster off, occasionally wrapped in gauze and burn-treatment ointments and salves for the flight home.
4) MR. & MRS. HUNDREDTIMER. The Hundredtimers will be glad to tell you every detail of every port in the world and what to do there. They'll tell you how this ship compares with every other ship in the world. They've been there. They've done that. They want perks. They want respect. They want to be heard. If you happen to get a table with the Hundredtimers, after that first meal just tell the Maitre D' (what kind of word is that - Russian??) you need a table with a little less chat. He and the Headwaiters always get requests to change after the first night, and they'll almost always be able to accommodate you. That doesn't mean changing your dining time, just finding a more comfortable table. You can also ask for a table just for yourselves, and a small tip goes a long way towards making that happen if you like privacy.
5) THE WHINEONAS. The Whineona family is a wee bit picky about things. They got chocolates on their pillow, but were disappointed they were milk chocolate - they prefer dark. Their cabin was crisply prepared and neat as a pin, but they were disappointed it didn't have a larger closet. They were hoping for a free upgrade to the Owner's Suite, but were disappointed that they merely got a beautiful room that was exactly what they paid for. In case they sound familiar, the Whineonas are the anti-Whatevers. Please don't be a Whineona.
6) THE FUNZIES. Great people to find and hang out with. The Funzies will be involved in everything on board, constantly surrounded by smiles and laughter. They'll be 1st in line to sign up for the "Mr. Hairy Chest Contest", or "Miss Hot Legs". They'll be sticking nickels in the slot machine, and trying to win the coverall jackpot at Bingo. Doesn't matter if they win or lose, it's all about the moment, and sometimes the accompanying delicious beverages. The Funzies will make you laugh, and will make it feel like vacation.
7) THE OLD TAR. Nickname for a sailor, if you didn't know. He knows his ships, and everything on board is compared to the USS Davey Crockett he served on back in the Big One. He's an interesting guy to chat with from a historical perspective, and usually talks about the wife needing to find her sea legs. You'll often see him at the bar, talking the ear off one of the officers who came in to meet single girls, but got stuck with Popeye.
8) THE YERKIDDINGS. I like the Yerkiddings. Having sailed 'round the world myself, and traveled across the US of A as a musician, it's not uncommon for me to meet someone from an obscure place and still find something in common. So, where are you folks from? Iowa? Man, I nearly froze to death in Oelwein Iowa a few years back. YERKIDDING us -- you know Iowa? Wow, this is great!
I used to work with Purser Don, who always had fun with people on board when making small talk. No matter where you were from, Don had heard of it. It always made me laugh when he'd ask someone where they were from, and they'd say New York City, or Los Angeles, and Don would fire back with a straight face, "New York City, eh.....I've heard of it".
9) THE NORMS. You can never go wrong hangin' with the Norms. They're just like you and me. John and Jane Norm, and their kids Wally and The Beaver. The Norms won't try to one-up you in conversation. They'll just talk to you and take an interest in what you say or do. They'd make great pals to go see the islands with, and you'll exchange phone numbers and let's do this again next year. The Norms make up the vast majority of the people you'll meet, and your job will seem a million miles away.
10) THE STUPE-DOGGS. Never a huge fan of hyphenated names myself (pick one and run with it is what I say), the Stupe-Dogg family has many things except this: A clue. Their entire lives start with "Well lemme ask you this...". They're legendary amongst cruise ship employees, and books have even been written about them. Most notably What Time Is The Midnight Buffet? They want to know if the crew sleeps on board. They want to know if the elevators go up AND down. I actually asked Granma Stupe-Dogg how her cruise was going, and she said TERRIBLE. My travel agent promised me I was going to cruise to the Grand Canyon. A bit startled, I composed myself after brief thought, and said "I believe they were talking about Grand Cayman, the island we visited Tuesday." Didn't help. She was 1 ticked-off Granny Goodwitch, who was going to drop that travel agent like a hot potato. For a slight moment I thought about taking out my Atlas, to show her it would be very difficult for a 100,000 ton cruise ship the size of 3 football fields to actually navigate the Colorado River, but I thought better of it. After all, this was the Stupe-Doggs. As Gilda Radner used to say as Roseanne Roseannadanna, NEVER MIND!
I've used a similar metaphor when describing cruise ships that have been "refurbished". If you're not familiar with the word, refurbishment is when you take a ship that has some age on it, take her out of service for a couple of weeks, and do a new paint job, lay new carpeting, and perform some other cosmetic changes, in an attempt to freshen the ship up so it can compete against the newer, fancier ships. The way Cap'n Bob says it is "You can take a duck and paint it yellow, but at the end of the day all you've got is a yellow duck." Hey wait a minute -- that's change that isn't really change! Lipstick on a pig. For you Green Acres fans, it would be like putting Ralph Monroe in a Dolce and Gabbana gown. Yowza!!
Speaking of cruising, you truly get a cross-section of people when you take a cruise. You may be seated at a table with a Doctor, Lawyer, Farmer, Student, Engineer, Secretary, or possibly Lions, Tigers and Bears (yes, professional athletes cruise too!). Some folks are 1-of-a-kind, but most people fall into a category. Here are some you might see on board.....
TOP 10 CRUISER TYPES:
1) THE WHATEVERS. This is my favorite kind of traveler. They know that we live in an imperfect world, and although the cruise lines try to make every vacation wonderful, sometimes a storm can come up, or a medical emergency that forces the ship to alter itinerary, or any number of things that aren't exactly what it said in the brochure. That's ok! The Whatevers are going to have fun, come rain or shine. My suggestion - strive to be a Whatever.
2) JED, JETHRO AND ELLIE MAE. Oh my goodness! Lookee at all them people. Have you ever seen such a thing as this? I declare, this boat must be bigger than 50 barns. I swear there must be a million lights in that lobby, and did you see them clear elevators where you could just about see everything when those ladies got lifted upstairs? What're all them non-American words on the menu I can't read -- Russian or something? It's kind of fun to hang around Jed and all his kin. It's like the Discovery Channel for humanity.
3) THE SNOWBIRDS. Typically, our friends from the frozen tundra to the North, Canada....but can also be Minnesotans, Mainers, Wisconsonites, and Michiganders (by the way, who in heaven's name came up with those monikers???). You may not recognize the Snowbirds initially, except for their Roots logo clothing, but when they get out by the pool, oh my. You'll see skin that rivals a newborn's backside, so pale it's nearly clear. That'll last about 12 minutes. The Snowbirds are used to those Lake Superior beaches, where you can lay out for 5-6 hours using Hawaiian Tropic SPF O with coconut oil, palm oil, cottonseed oil, extra-virgin olive oil, and some Crisco thrown in for crispiness. Snowbird on, Red Lobster off, occasionally wrapped in gauze and burn-treatment ointments and salves for the flight home.
4) MR. & MRS. HUNDREDTIMER. The Hundredtimers will be glad to tell you every detail of every port in the world and what to do there. They'll tell you how this ship compares with every other ship in the world. They've been there. They've done that. They want perks. They want respect. They want to be heard. If you happen to get a table with the Hundredtimers, after that first meal just tell the Maitre D' (what kind of word is that - Russian??) you need a table with a little less chat. He and the Headwaiters always get requests to change after the first night, and they'll almost always be able to accommodate you. That doesn't mean changing your dining time, just finding a more comfortable table. You can also ask for a table just for yourselves, and a small tip goes a long way towards making that happen if you like privacy.
5) THE WHINEONAS. The Whineona family is a wee bit picky about things. They got chocolates on their pillow, but were disappointed they were milk chocolate - they prefer dark. Their cabin was crisply prepared and neat as a pin, but they were disappointed it didn't have a larger closet. They were hoping for a free upgrade to the Owner's Suite, but were disappointed that they merely got a beautiful room that was exactly what they paid for. In case they sound familiar, the Whineonas are the anti-Whatevers. Please don't be a Whineona.
6) THE FUNZIES. Great people to find and hang out with. The Funzies will be involved in everything on board, constantly surrounded by smiles and laughter. They'll be 1st in line to sign up for the "Mr. Hairy Chest Contest", or "Miss Hot Legs". They'll be sticking nickels in the slot machine, and trying to win the coverall jackpot at Bingo. Doesn't matter if they win or lose, it's all about the moment, and sometimes the accompanying delicious beverages. The Funzies will make you laugh, and will make it feel like vacation.
7) THE OLD TAR. Nickname for a sailor, if you didn't know. He knows his ships, and everything on board is compared to the USS Davey Crockett he served on back in the Big One. He's an interesting guy to chat with from a historical perspective, and usually talks about the wife needing to find her sea legs. You'll often see him at the bar, talking the ear off one of the officers who came in to meet single girls, but got stuck with Popeye.
8) THE YERKIDDINGS. I like the Yerkiddings. Having sailed 'round the world myself, and traveled across the US of A as a musician, it's not uncommon for me to meet someone from an obscure place and still find something in common. So, where are you folks from? Iowa? Man, I nearly froze to death in Oelwein Iowa a few years back. YERKIDDING us -- you know Iowa? Wow, this is great!
I used to work with Purser Don, who always had fun with people on board when making small talk. No matter where you were from, Don had heard of it. It always made me laugh when he'd ask someone where they were from, and they'd say New York City, or Los Angeles, and Don would fire back with a straight face, "New York City, eh.....I've heard of it".
9) THE NORMS. You can never go wrong hangin' with the Norms. They're just like you and me. John and Jane Norm, and their kids Wally and The Beaver. The Norms won't try to one-up you in conversation. They'll just talk to you and take an interest in what you say or do. They'd make great pals to go see the islands with, and you'll exchange phone numbers and let's do this again next year. The Norms make up the vast majority of the people you'll meet, and your job will seem a million miles away.
10) THE STUPE-DOGGS. Never a huge fan of hyphenated names myself (pick one and run with it is what I say), the Stupe-Dogg family has many things except this: A clue. Their entire lives start with "Well lemme ask you this...". They're legendary amongst cruise ship employees, and books have even been written about them. Most notably What Time Is The Midnight Buffet? They want to know if the crew sleeps on board. They want to know if the elevators go up AND down. I actually asked Granma Stupe-Dogg how her cruise was going, and she said TERRIBLE. My travel agent promised me I was going to cruise to the Grand Canyon. A bit startled, I composed myself after brief thought, and said "I believe they were talking about Grand Cayman, the island we visited Tuesday." Didn't help. She was 1 ticked-off Granny Goodwitch, who was going to drop that travel agent like a hot potato. For a slight moment I thought about taking out my Atlas, to show her it would be very difficult for a 100,000 ton cruise ship the size of 3 football fields to actually navigate the Colorado River, but I thought better of it. After all, this was the Stupe-Doggs. As Gilda Radner used to say as Roseanne Roseannadanna, NEVER MIND!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
As close to FREE as it gets
A lot of people out there think that because of high fuel prices, taking a cruise vacation is not affordable any more. Quite wrong, actually. If you have the flexibility to go when the ships are hurting, we are seeing some phenomenal prices out there. Particularly for Senior Citizens. Just today, I sold a client a full 7-night cruise on the Carnival Liberty about as close to FREE as it gets. Keep in mind, we're not talking about some 50-year old dog of a ship -- the Liberty was just built 3 years ago, entering service in July 2005. My clients are on a fixed income, and they can only travel when the price is right. Well, I booked them on the December 13th sailing of this ship, using a Senior Citizens promotion, and the cruise rate was only $220 per person! That's under $32 per person per day for meals, entertainment, and the full cruise for a week sailing the Caribbean. Avast, Mateys - that's a DEAL. Of course, there are a bunch of taxes that had to be added on.....$159 in port charges, $55.10 government fees and a $63 fuel supplement each person, but even when you add all that together they're cruising for less than $500 each, for a week on a beautiful new ship. That works out to just $71 per person per day even with all the taxes thrown in. At those kind of prices, it's cheaper to cruise than to stay home!
You see my fellow Americans, here's how deal pricing works. The cruise lines maximize their profits by building ENORMOUSLY LARGE ships that hold mucho many humans, so that during peak travel times (whenever schools are out such as Summer months, or particularly over Holidays like Christmas and New Year's) they are rolling in profits. Their internal costs of fuel, food and labor are divided out amongst those thousands of paying passengers, who are also spending money left and right buying shore trips, beverages (The Cap'n's favorite part), gifts and jewelry, onboard services, and gambling. And beverages. I did mention beverages, didn't I? That's why if you're investing in travel, cruise line stocks remain strong, while airline stocks are in the latrine.
But then there come the times when it's off-season for them, and it's very difficult to fill those monster-ships with enough folks. Like after Thanksgiving, but before Christmas. Teachers can't travel. Neither can families. Professors. School officials. Administators. Staff. Custodians & Maintenance. Yes, everybody cruises, but not when schools and colleges are in session! That puts a huge kink into the cruise line's demographic, so they reduce prices by a boat-load (get it?). People with flexibility to go when these deals come up can take 2 or 3 cruises a year, for what other people pay for 1. So why don't the cruise lines just keep prices up regardless, and deal with having half their cabins empty in the off-season? Because of how the staff is paid....
There's an antiquated International Seamen's law on the books, that states that every professional sailor in the world must make at least $45 per month. Yeah, it was written a long time ago when $45 per month ($1.50 per day) was a handsome living for a man to make. I'm thinking that was around 1993, but I could be wrong. Meanwhile, this old beat-up law remains on the books, and with most foreign-flag cruise companies, that's what they pay the waiters, busboys, and cabin stewards on their ships even today. Before you start feeling sorry for them though, the lines created a "gratuity" system that remains basically intact. They have tipping guidelines or recommendations, which are usually something like $3.50 per person per day for the waiter, same for the cabin steward, and about half that for their assistants. So a really snappy waiter with skills, although his salary is $45 per month, can easily make $500 or more per week, cash money, plus he's already being supplied room and board and medical care on top of that. For people from Caribbean nations, Eastern Europe, South America, the Phillipines, etc that can be some mighty fine money -- sometimes 10 times what they could make back home. But they pay for it with brutally long hours, and sleeping 4-6 in a dorm room situation, so it's a tough life but a rewarding one for good workers.
That brings us back to why don't they let the ships sail half-empty? That would mean these guys would be taking a 50% pay cut, and you'd have a revolution (mutiny) at sea. Yes they'll work in those conditions for the big tips, but if the cruise companies failed to fill the ships, it would make work conditions intolerable. From pure economics, it's in the cruise lines' best interest to fill the ships 100%, every week, every ship, to keep the peace and keep the crew happy. Even if on paper they're losing a little bit on some sailings, the onboard revenue makes up a healthy chunk, led by the casinos. On cruise products that don't have casinos, such as Disney or the NCL Hawaii cruise, it's a lot harder. They have to maintain higher pricing, and count on their niche in the marketplace to keep them going and keep demand high. You were expecting me to say "afloat", weren't you? Admit it!!
Out in the Caribbean, Ike is still being Ike, so all Eastern Texas residents need to keep a watchful eye. We don't know exactly when or where he's coming, but he's definitely coming and now assumed to be category 3-ish when he come's a-calling. VERY dangerous storm, so please look out for yourselves and your neighbors.
You see my fellow Americans, here's how deal pricing works. The cruise lines maximize their profits by building ENORMOUSLY LARGE ships that hold mucho many humans, so that during peak travel times (whenever schools are out such as Summer months, or particularly over Holidays like Christmas and New Year's) they are rolling in profits. Their internal costs of fuel, food and labor are divided out amongst those thousands of paying passengers, who are also spending money left and right buying shore trips, beverages (The Cap'n's favorite part), gifts and jewelry, onboard services, and gambling. And beverages. I did mention beverages, didn't I? That's why if you're investing in travel, cruise line stocks remain strong, while airline stocks are in the latrine.
But then there come the times when it's off-season for them, and it's very difficult to fill those monster-ships with enough folks. Like after Thanksgiving, but before Christmas. Teachers can't travel. Neither can families. Professors. School officials. Administators. Staff. Custodians & Maintenance. Yes, everybody cruises, but not when schools and colleges are in session! That puts a huge kink into the cruise line's demographic, so they reduce prices by a boat-load (get it?). People with flexibility to go when these deals come up can take 2 or 3 cruises a year, for what other people pay for 1. So why don't the cruise lines just keep prices up regardless, and deal with having half their cabins empty in the off-season? Because of how the staff is paid....
There's an antiquated International Seamen's law on the books, that states that every professional sailor in the world must make at least $45 per month. Yeah, it was written a long time ago when $45 per month ($1.50 per day) was a handsome living for a man to make. I'm thinking that was around 1993, but I could be wrong. Meanwhile, this old beat-up law remains on the books, and with most foreign-flag cruise companies, that's what they pay the waiters, busboys, and cabin stewards on their ships even today. Before you start feeling sorry for them though, the lines created a "gratuity" system that remains basically intact. They have tipping guidelines or recommendations, which are usually something like $3.50 per person per day for the waiter, same for the cabin steward, and about half that for their assistants. So a really snappy waiter with skills, although his salary is $45 per month, can easily make $500 or more per week, cash money, plus he's already being supplied room and board and medical care on top of that. For people from Caribbean nations, Eastern Europe, South America, the Phillipines, etc that can be some mighty fine money -- sometimes 10 times what they could make back home. But they pay for it with brutally long hours, and sleeping 4-6 in a dorm room situation, so it's a tough life but a rewarding one for good workers.
That brings us back to why don't they let the ships sail half-empty? That would mean these guys would be taking a 50% pay cut, and you'd have a revolution (mutiny) at sea. Yes they'll work in those conditions for the big tips, but if the cruise companies failed to fill the ships, it would make work conditions intolerable. From pure economics, it's in the cruise lines' best interest to fill the ships 100%, every week, every ship, to keep the peace and keep the crew happy. Even if on paper they're losing a little bit on some sailings, the onboard revenue makes up a healthy chunk, led by the casinos. On cruise products that don't have casinos, such as Disney or the NCL Hawaii cruise, it's a lot harder. They have to maintain higher pricing, and count on their niche in the marketplace to keep them going and keep demand high. You were expecting me to say "afloat", weren't you? Admit it!!
Out in the Caribbean, Ike is still being Ike, so all Eastern Texas residents need to keep a watchful eye. We don't know exactly when or where he's coming, but he's definitely coming and now assumed to be category 3-ish when he come's a-calling. VERY dangerous storm, so please look out for yourselves and your neighbors.
Monday, September 8, 2008
US Government Kisses Its Own Fannie
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were bailed out by the US Government this weekend, saved from implosion at least for the moment. What does that mean for you and me, the Joe Average investors of the world? Who the heck knows? If all goes well (and it usually does, doesn't it?), the housing market will stabilize, all the money we've lost in our 401K's will come back, the world will be grateful for our continued economic leadership and bluebirds will chirp as we hold hands and walk the golden road of life together, singing Kumbaya and eating Doritos right out of the bag (ZERO grams of Trans-Fat, by the way!).
Some people think the economy is a glass that's half empty, and some see it as half full. I look at it and say "Man - ain't that one of them Simpson's cartoon glasses that used to be a peanut butter jar?" The fact is, all taxpayers living and dead will be paying off this bailout for decades, all because of gluttons and swine among us, who despite having lousy or no credit just had to have that new Lexus or townhouse they couldn't afford. Now that's been up-chucked into our collective lap. Then again, isn't that the American Way? Bring us your tired, huddled, stupid masses who can't get a grip on their own checkbook, and we'll play sucker to their pathetic immaturity and inability to cope with the basics of reality. I know, I know, I'm just brimming with patriotism, optimism, and lots of other isms today. Ticks me off that a certain White House Administration has watched this situation fester for, oh, say about 8 years, and did nothing until now while countless lives were ruined. I say if there ever IS one, the "W" library should be built at the bottom of the ocean. Any divers interested enough to scuba down to it will find empty shelves, as there really wasn't much he could read that didn't have pictures in it anyway. Art imitating life.
Ike has emerged from the South of Cuba as still a category 2 storm, 100+ mph continuous winds, and is charting a path towards the Texas Gulf coast. A little good news for New Orleans, but lousy for Texans. Also apparently spared is the Cancun/Cozumel area on the Yucatan peninsula of Mexico. Ike seems like it will stay North of there. Those areas were so hard-hit a couple of years ago, and the hotels had to be re-built from scratch. By the law of averages, they were just about due for a pass. Keep an eye out, Texas. You're going to need some luck and a whole lot of prayers in short order.
For anyone cruising this week from Southern California, the West Coast is the Messed Coast. Maybe not as bad as Texas with Ike bearing down, but still pretty uncomfortable. Tropical storm Lowell is sitting just West of Cabo San Lucas, heading Northeast over the next day or 2 or 3. He's parked right in the path of any ships that left LA Saturday or Sunday, trying to get to their normal ports of call. About the only good news is that Lowell doesn't appear to be strengthening much, if at all. Just a royal pain to anyone trying to vacation or cruise in the area. That's September for you.....if you're anywhere in the tropics, you have to understand Mother Nature's normal sense of humor is lacking. At least until Halloween.
Some people think the economy is a glass that's half empty, and some see it as half full. I look at it and say "Man - ain't that one of them Simpson's cartoon glasses that used to be a peanut butter jar?" The fact is, all taxpayers living and dead will be paying off this bailout for decades, all because of gluttons and swine among us, who despite having lousy or no credit just had to have that new Lexus or townhouse they couldn't afford. Now that's been up-chucked into our collective lap. Then again, isn't that the American Way? Bring us your tired, huddled, stupid masses who can't get a grip on their own checkbook, and we'll play sucker to their pathetic immaturity and inability to cope with the basics of reality. I know, I know, I'm just brimming with patriotism, optimism, and lots of other isms today. Ticks me off that a certain White House Administration has watched this situation fester for, oh, say about 8 years, and did nothing until now while countless lives were ruined. I say if there ever IS one, the "W" library should be built at the bottom of the ocean. Any divers interested enough to scuba down to it will find empty shelves, as there really wasn't much he could read that didn't have pictures in it anyway. Art imitating life.
Ike has emerged from the South of Cuba as still a category 2 storm, 100+ mph continuous winds, and is charting a path towards the Texas Gulf coast. A little good news for New Orleans, but lousy for Texans. Also apparently spared is the Cancun/Cozumel area on the Yucatan peninsula of Mexico. Ike seems like it will stay North of there. Those areas were so hard-hit a couple of years ago, and the hotels had to be re-built from scratch. By the law of averages, they were just about due for a pass. Keep an eye out, Texas. You're going to need some luck and a whole lot of prayers in short order.
For anyone cruising this week from Southern California, the West Coast is the Messed Coast. Maybe not as bad as Texas with Ike bearing down, but still pretty uncomfortable. Tropical storm Lowell is sitting just West of Cabo San Lucas, heading Northeast over the next day or 2 or 3. He's parked right in the path of any ships that left LA Saturday or Sunday, trying to get to their normal ports of call. About the only good news is that Lowell doesn't appear to be strengthening much, if at all. Just a royal pain to anyone trying to vacation or cruise in the area. That's September for you.....if you're anywhere in the tropics, you have to understand Mother Nature's normal sense of humor is lacking. At least until Halloween.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I Don't Like Ike
This morning the beast is devouring the Turks and Caicos Islands, East-Southeast of the Bahamas. Radio reports from the islands say at least 50% of the homes and businesses there have at least lost their roof, or been totally destroyed. People are huddled in bathrooms or closets trying to ride out their worst nightmare. Ike's path has drifted slightly further South, so the entire island of Cuba from East to West is going to feel its wrath, unless there is a sudden turn. That's good news for Florida's Gold Coast, who will still feel plenty of wind and rain, but almost certainly not the direct hit they feared earlier in the week. As they say, one man's good news is another man's bad. If the path projects properly, Ike will cross Cuba as early as later tonight, and there are reports it could even upgrade to a category 5 just prior to landfall. Over the next couple of days, much of its intensity will be eaten up by the mountains of Cuba, with devastation on that poor island nation expected to be massive. Ike will eventually downgrade, but not completely. The computer models have Ike re-emerging in the Gulf of Mexico as a category 1 or 2, still full hurricane status or more. That unfortunately gives the storm plenty of room to reform and strengthen over the warm waters of the Gulf, before threatening Texas and Louisiana on its current path. Batten down the hatches, Mates. This one is a bloody mess, literally. Any prayers for people in Ike's path are more than welcome.
MUCH LIGHTER NOTE (it wouldn't take much):
Most people know E = MC2. However, there are very few people who know ECU = R2D2. Is this some kind of Star Wars formula? Some acronym for a droid, like Ewok Calculating Unit = R2D2? Eh, not so much. It's a formula denouncing Patsy. That's right. It says Patsy doesn't live here any more (many voices in unison..."what's he TALKING about???"). Let's just say that if you bring a number with you, ECU is going to reach over, take the number from you, and beat you senseless with it. Two weeks ago, Virginia Tech's football team was rated in the Top 20 nationwide, and figured they'd get their season started with a lopsided win over a little school, East Carolina. You know how that sort of thing goes. Penn State 107, Brainard College of Festive Arts 3. Oklahoma 99, Mother Teresa's Sisters of Mercy 3 (note that even the bad teams find some way to get a field goal....one of life's mysteries). So here come the big ugly meanies from Virgnia Tech, gonna kick some East Carolina University booty. That #17 ranking should slide up into the top 10 after this whoopin'. Problem # 1: nobody told Patsy. ECU came out and played straight up with them, and in the 4th quarter the defense put the game away. ECU 27, VA Tech 22. Yesterday, another team with a swagger came-a-calling, West Virginia ranked # 8 in the country. Number 8! Holy Cow, that's Top-10 and then some!! But the West Virginia coaching staff was ready. They saw what happened last week, and wanted to make sure their team was focused and prepared, so there would be no repeat of the patsy beating the Dark Side of The Force (just had to do another Star Wars reference, didn't you? *sigh*). The West Virginia coaches had watched game films of ECU/Va Tech 50 times, picking them apart, setting up a perfect game plan. Perfect. Bold print on the chalkboard:
Confidence, but no Over-Confidence!
The pre-game speech went something like "Boys, we're not making the same mistake Virginia Tech did. They came in here without a plan, and left with their tails between their legs. We're better than that. YOU are better than that! You've all practiced hard, you've got the desire, the will, the talent, and the game plan. So let's put all that to good use. This team you're facing plays hard, and they have confidence after last week. Let's knock that out of them! While they THINK they're good, we KNOW we're better. I want you to go out there and settle this on the field. Show them what West Virginia football REALLY looks like!"
They did show them. Problem # 2: Patsy was still on vacation. ECU not only played even with the big boys, they dominated them on both sides of the ball, all day. I mean ALL day. If people didn't know who those guys in the white-and-gold were, if they didn't have the WV on their helmets, someone could have tuned in late and said "Man -- who's this patsy East Carolina is playing today?" Final score: 24-3 East Carolina over # 8 WVU. Did I mention that even 8th-ranked teams find a way to get a field goal? So did you figure out the formula yet? ECU= R2D2?
EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY=RANKED TWO, DEFEATED TWO!
Somewhere, Patsy is smiling.
MUCH LIGHTER NOTE (it wouldn't take much):
Most people know E = MC2. However, there are very few people who know ECU = R2D2. Is this some kind of Star Wars formula? Some acronym for a droid, like Ewok Calculating Unit = R2D2? Eh, not so much. It's a formula denouncing Patsy. That's right. It says Patsy doesn't live here any more (many voices in unison..."what's he TALKING about???"). Let's just say that if you bring a number with you, ECU is going to reach over, take the number from you, and beat you senseless with it. Two weeks ago, Virginia Tech's football team was rated in the Top 20 nationwide, and figured they'd get their season started with a lopsided win over a little school, East Carolina. You know how that sort of thing goes. Penn State 107, Brainard College of Festive Arts 3. Oklahoma 99, Mother Teresa's Sisters of Mercy 3 (note that even the bad teams find some way to get a field goal....one of life's mysteries). So here come the big ugly meanies from Virgnia Tech, gonna kick some East Carolina University booty. That #17 ranking should slide up into the top 10 after this whoopin'. Problem # 1: nobody told Patsy. ECU came out and played straight up with them, and in the 4th quarter the defense put the game away. ECU 27, VA Tech 22. Yesterday, another team with a swagger came-a-calling, West Virginia ranked # 8 in the country. Number 8! Holy Cow, that's Top-10 and then some!! But the West Virginia coaching staff was ready. They saw what happened last week, and wanted to make sure their team was focused and prepared, so there would be no repeat of the patsy beating the Dark Side of The Force (just had to do another Star Wars reference, didn't you? *sigh*). The West Virginia coaches had watched game films of ECU/Va Tech 50 times, picking them apart, setting up a perfect game plan. Perfect. Bold print on the chalkboard:
Confidence, but no Over-Confidence!
The pre-game speech went something like "Boys, we're not making the same mistake Virginia Tech did. They came in here without a plan, and left with their tails between their legs. We're better than that. YOU are better than that! You've all practiced hard, you've got the desire, the will, the talent, and the game plan. So let's put all that to good use. This team you're facing plays hard, and they have confidence after last week. Let's knock that out of them! While they THINK they're good, we KNOW we're better. I want you to go out there and settle this on the field. Show them what West Virginia football REALLY looks like!"
They did show them. Problem # 2: Patsy was still on vacation. ECU not only played even with the big boys, they dominated them on both sides of the ball, all day. I mean ALL day. If people didn't know who those guys in the white-and-gold were, if they didn't have the WV on their helmets, someone could have tuned in late and said "Man -- who's this patsy East Carolina is playing today?" Final score: 24-3 East Carolina over # 8 WVU. Did I mention that even 8th-ranked teams find a way to get a field goal? So did you figure out the formula yet? ECU= R2D2?
EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY=RANKED TWO, DEFEATED TWO!
Somewhere, Patsy is smiling.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Y' Ikes!
Hanna made her way across the Carolinas, and now is dropping it's liquid wrath on the Northeastern US. Surprisingly, there has been a lot of flooding in the Virginia / Washington DC area, even though its landfall was much further south and much less dramatic from a damage standpoint. So Hanna is still a story, but she's not THE story.
That dishonor falls to Ike, the extremely-compact storm that keeps fluctuating between categories 2-3-and 4. Unfortunately it's picking up steam again now, and continues on a Westward path, while being gently nudged further and further south. Every nudge is better and better news for Floridians. Just 24 hours ago, Miami was in the crosshairs, and now it's looking more like Havana. Even though politically we're not friendly with Cuba, we're still humans and no one wishes a category 4 hurricane on anyone else, friend or foe. Does that mean the US is out of the woods? Not by a long shot. As easily as this storm steered South, it could change its mind and come right after South Florida again. If they should be fortunate enough to escape, the computer models still have bad news for some Americans. It's too soon to tell, but a half-dozen models show the storm hitting and crossing Cuba, then turning north on a path towards the recently-hit Gulf Coast. And in the cone of uncertainty, New Orleans. Here are the latest projections (scroll down the page to view, and you can also check other links):
http://www.wunderground.com/tropical/tracking/at200809_model.html#a_topad
See what I mean? UGLY. Anything is possible with hurricanes, but we strongly advise anyone living along the Southeast Atlantic or Gulf Coast, or anyone with family in those locations, to stay in touch and stay ready. You DO NOT want to mess with this storm, period. People thinking they can ride out a 4 could re-create Katrina for themselves.
Congratulations to my alma mater, the Fighting Nothings of Ohio University. Actually, it's the Bobcats, but their football program has been moderate at best for a few years....basically since BC turned to AD. But they had the lead for a while today on in-state rival Ohio State, who normally uses Ohio U. as a cleat-sharpener. I said for a while! So we lost, big deal. We played like men. Or at least really big boys. Again, oh sacred alma mater, I honor the Bobkittens on this here blog 'o mine. If you're unfamiliar with the green-and-white (I know, REALLY tough-sounding colors), Ohio University's claim to fame for decades has been that it's one of the top beer-drinking schools per capita in the nation. Woo hoo! I say "Let's go out and win one for the Sipper." Even if you can't be proud of much, you pick your battles.....
That dishonor falls to Ike, the extremely-compact storm that keeps fluctuating between categories 2-3-and 4. Unfortunately it's picking up steam again now, and continues on a Westward path, while being gently nudged further and further south. Every nudge is better and better news for Floridians. Just 24 hours ago, Miami was in the crosshairs, and now it's looking more like Havana. Even though politically we're not friendly with Cuba, we're still humans and no one wishes a category 4 hurricane on anyone else, friend or foe. Does that mean the US is out of the woods? Not by a long shot. As easily as this storm steered South, it could change its mind and come right after South Florida again. If they should be fortunate enough to escape, the computer models still have bad news for some Americans. It's too soon to tell, but a half-dozen models show the storm hitting and crossing Cuba, then turning north on a path towards the recently-hit Gulf Coast. And in the cone of uncertainty, New Orleans. Here are the latest projections (scroll down the page to view, and you can also check other links):
http://www.wunderground.com/tropical/tracking/at200809_model.html#a_topad
See what I mean? UGLY. Anything is possible with hurricanes, but we strongly advise anyone living along the Southeast Atlantic or Gulf Coast, or anyone with family in those locations, to stay in touch and stay ready. You DO NOT want to mess with this storm, period. People thinking they can ride out a 4 could re-create Katrina for themselves.
Congratulations to my alma mater, the Fighting Nothings of Ohio University. Actually, it's the Bobcats, but their football program has been moderate at best for a few years....basically since BC turned to AD. But they had the lead for a while today on in-state rival Ohio State, who normally uses Ohio U. as a cleat-sharpener. I said for a while! So we lost, big deal. We played like men. Or at least really big boys. Again, oh sacred alma mater, I honor the Bobkittens on this here blog 'o mine. If you're unfamiliar with the green-and-white (I know, REALLY tough-sounding colors), Ohio University's claim to fame for decades has been that it's one of the top beer-drinking schools per capita in the nation. Woo hoo! I say "Let's go out and win one for the Sipper." Even if you can't be proud of much, you pick your battles.....
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