Some folks are Disneyholics. They visit there, honeymoon there, take their babies there, have family reunions there, all because of the Righteous Rodent his-own self. I'll admit, I've always had a soft spot for theme parks and thrill rides, but for me I can walk away without feeling a "Jones" in my veins. Not some folks. Nothing is enough. CONGRATULATIONS! Disney has something just for you!
It was just announced that Disney World in Orlando is planning to open the Golden Oaks community in 2011. And you can be part of it, for a mere $25,000 down. Is it some kind of hotel? Time Share? Nope - for the Disneyholic it's WAY better. Disney has set aside just under 1,000 acres of land to develop a luxury residential community of some 450 homes INSIDE DISNEY WORLD, which will range from about $1.5 million to $8 million apiece. That's right. Disney World no longer has to be your "home away from home" - it can really be your HOME! The initial design has the homes built to look like a Mediterranean village (minus, well - the Mediterranean). Residents will have a private clubhouse, a full-service spa...treatments not included, of course...concierge service, access to a golf course, and BIG MICE, DUCKS AND DOGS walking around nearby. Pretty much what every American family needs, don't you think? I know it's my dream. Even though this formula might not work for everyone, it should be perfect for rich people whose main goal in life is to see their daughter grow up to be, eh...Cinderalla?
Planet (Hollywood) Of The Apes?
Scientists in Switzerland have completed a study they claim proves that monkeys enjoy doing one of humans' favorite activities. The study, published in a Swiss online scientific journal, looked at the behavior of a 3-year-old male rhesus monkey, using technology to examine the blood flow of the monkey's brain when watching TV. The claim is that the monkey's frontal lobe became very active when watching a video of a circus elephant, giraffe and tiger performing. That activity is similar to what happens when a human baby sees its mother smile. Personally, I think the study is flawed. The monkey should have been made to sit through thousands of "coming up next" promos, an endless stream of Geico commercials, about 20 minutes of Fox News (if he could stomach it), some mixed martial arts and WWE wrestling on "Spike", a few dozen episodes of Dr. Phil, Oprah, South Park, Hell's Kitchen and Antiques Roadshow, and THEN measure his brain scan. If they did that, they'd receive a certain activity pattern, which would roughly translate into "Yow -- and I thought MY species was screwed up!"
A Wisconsin couple who met in Aisle 9 of the Copps Grocery Store in Wautoma last year, decided they would be married there this past week. Marty Czarnecki says he was working in the store's liquor aisle when Denise Irvine came in to buy wine. He said they just "got to talking" and one thing led do another. Ms. Irvine says she doesn't do anything traditional, so she really liked the idea of a grocery-store wedding. Members of the wedding party and invited guests shouted, "cleanup on Aisle 9" after toilet paper streamers flew through the air, over the newlyweds. When asked where the reception would be, the groom smiled and said "3 aisles over, in Bakery...of course."
The most important part of that story should not be overlooked -- they have a LIQUOR AISLE in the grocery stores in Wisconsin! Mable, where's my hat?!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Excitement That Is Soccer
Everybody's on the edge of their seats this morning, as the powerhouse Team USA tackles the pesky "Remember that time we scored a goal?" Algeria team. Quick: name any Algerian. Ever! Me neither, though that probably says more about our educational system than it does about the fame and fortune of the good people of Algeria. I know I'm supposed to have my face painted red-white-and-blue, and be all energetic, but soccer is its own beast and that beast has a hypnotic eye and a squalid breath that frankly puts me to sleep. The fact that soccer translates to TV with all the excitement of checkers or badminton, doesn't do it any favors either.
So how do you fix soccer? EASY-PEASY! Just let The Guru be in charge of the World Cup, and I'll make it all better and stuff.
Here's what you do: For you non-soccer-aficionados, there is a goalie (keep him or her). There are 2 forwards (keep them, but tell them to quit taking acting lessons from the WWE's Vince McMahon). Now we're getting somewhere. The issue with soccer is you have 4 midfielders and 4 defenders. Too many humans in one place to produce action. If the middle of the field is where you funnel action, the action is clogged with a hairball of players! Time for my Roto-Rooter solution. You emphasize to every player that there is NO LONGER ANY SUCH THING AS A TIE. Is there a tie at Wimbledon? The Super Bowl? The World Series? The Masters? No, because those are SPORTS, and SPORTS DON'T HAVE TIES for Heaven's sake. So again, you tell the players there are not going to be any more ties. If you guys can't settle the tally by the time 90 minutes are up, we're not going to go with that lame "shootout" that's in place. Nope. Ancient history, and it doesn't tell who is the better team at all. It only says who is better (luckier) at doing a point-blank shot. That's all.
Here's the BIG FIX: After 90 minutes, if there is a tie game, each team must remove a midfielder and a defender. 5 minutes are added to the clock. If neither team scores, you remove another midfielder and another defender. Another 5 minute period, and so on. Eventually, it would come down to a goalie and a forward for each team, until somebody scores. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just fixed soccer to the point that an American audience would not only tolerate it, they could get behind it!
You're welcome.
A woman from Portsmouth, England has an unusual way of marking every day of her life, but it's not quite a "Dear Diary" moment. Patti Gaal-Holmes has collected more than 32,000 used tea bags during her life, as a way of documenting her existence. The 44-year-old Gaal-Holmes says, "I adore drinking tea, and I save the teabags as a way of reminding me the differences between one day's experience and another." To save them, she dabs the used bag on some paper and then numbers it, noting who she drank tea with, and anything interesting they talked about. She then dries the bag in the sunshine or on a radiator, before storing it in one of three large suitcases. Patti notes there is a somewhat dusky smell to her apartment, but she finds it quite comforting. Her collecting quest began more than 11 years ago,and some of her used bags have been displayed at a local gallery.
I'm sure Ms. Gaal-Holmes also likes soccer just the way it is, but I say it's time to turn over a new tea leaf. Bag it, Patti.
So how do you fix soccer? EASY-PEASY! Just let The Guru be in charge of the World Cup, and I'll make it all better and stuff.
Here's what you do: For you non-soccer-aficionados, there is a goalie (keep him or her). There are 2 forwards (keep them, but tell them to quit taking acting lessons from the WWE's Vince McMahon). Now we're getting somewhere. The issue with soccer is you have 4 midfielders and 4 defenders. Too many humans in one place to produce action. If the middle of the field is where you funnel action, the action is clogged with a hairball of players! Time for my Roto-Rooter solution. You emphasize to every player that there is NO LONGER ANY SUCH THING AS A TIE. Is there a tie at Wimbledon? The Super Bowl? The World Series? The Masters? No, because those are SPORTS, and SPORTS DON'T HAVE TIES for Heaven's sake. So again, you tell the players there are not going to be any more ties. If you guys can't settle the tally by the time 90 minutes are up, we're not going to go with that lame "shootout" that's in place. Nope. Ancient history, and it doesn't tell who is the better team at all. It only says who is better (luckier) at doing a point-blank shot. That's all.
Here's the BIG FIX: After 90 minutes, if there is a tie game, each team must remove a midfielder and a defender. 5 minutes are added to the clock. If neither team scores, you remove another midfielder and another defender. Another 5 minute period, and so on. Eventually, it would come down to a goalie and a forward for each team, until somebody scores. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just fixed soccer to the point that an American audience would not only tolerate it, they could get behind it!
You're welcome.
A woman from Portsmouth, England has an unusual way of marking every day of her life, but it's not quite a "Dear Diary" moment. Patti Gaal-Holmes has collected more than 32,000 used tea bags during her life, as a way of documenting her existence. The 44-year-old Gaal-Holmes says, "I adore drinking tea, and I save the teabags as a way of reminding me the differences between one day's experience and another." To save them, she dabs the used bag on some paper and then numbers it, noting who she drank tea with, and anything interesting they talked about. She then dries the bag in the sunshine or on a radiator, before storing it in one of three large suitcases. Patti notes there is a somewhat dusky smell to her apartment, but she finds it quite comforting. Her collecting quest began more than 11 years ago,and some of her used bags have been displayed at a local gallery.
I'm sure Ms. Gaal-Holmes also likes soccer just the way it is, but I say it's time to turn over a new tea leaf. Bag it, Patti.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
An Alluring Secret!
No, you haven't just stumbled onto a TMZ link, and you won't find salacious celebrity gossip on The Capn's blog. Sorry to disappoint. I just wanted to mention one of the best-kept travel secrets out there. Last year, Royal Caribbean brought a new mega-ship to market, the gigantic Oasis of the Seas. It was built and billed as "an experience" more than a cruise, and the reviews were loud and raving. Seems just about everyone loved Oasis of the Seas, and even though pricing was substantially higher than their other ships, customers couldn't get in line fast enough, and rates went through the roof. Guess what - they're still there! However, what has not been forefront in the press to this point is that Oasis has a new sister entering service this December, the Allure of the Seas. She's an exact duplicate of Oasis, taking everything great about her and moving it to the next level -- actually improving upon the original from all reports. Here's the rub. Oasis has the name recognition and the advertising history (including "live" appearances on board from some of the top National TV morning shows), to continue to command premium pricing. Yet the Allure is going to be all that and a bag of chips, but currently is pricing hundreds of dollars less than her big brother Oasis on some dates. What that means to you is it's BARGAIN TIME! You can currently book yourself on what will be the newest ship in the world, for much less than a ship that's been out for more than a year. The Allure is coming out the first week of December 2010, but if you want a deal you need to call and book now. I'll be happy to discuss it with you - just email or call me directly.
Prioritize!
PITTSBURGH (AP wire story) - Pittsburgh police are searching for a butterfingered robber, who got away with cigarettes and at least a little bit of money. Police said the man robbed the Uni-Mart in Pittsburgh's Troy Hill section about 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. The man wore a ski mask and ball cap, and pointed a handgun at a clerk who gave him all the money in the register - a total of $66. The man then shouted "Gimme some cigarettes" and the clerk quickly handed him a fistful, which turned out to be 7 packs. Detectives reviewed surveillance video Monday, and said the man was so intent on collecting the smokes he wasn't paying attention to the cash, dropping bills here and there. After he fled the scene, the store clerk and a customer who had been in the store at the time of the robbery picked up the loot that was left behind. $65 worth to be exact. The thief was so intent on getting his cigarettes he had dropped all but $1 of the stolen bounty from the cash drawer. Authorities did not hint at any immediate arrests in the robbery, saying it would be unlikely to track the missing $1 bill as part of a "spending spree". The rest of the evidence against the perpetrator? Well, it's probably gone up in smoke.
I said PRIORITIZE!
Police in Ocala, Florida are searching for a burglar who stole a box of cookies from a discount store. Police said the thief could clearly be seen on-camera taking a box of Oreo Cakesters from the Dollar General store. The cookies have a suggested retail value at $2.50. Surveillance footage shows the man actually breaking a glass door to get into the store, only to take the box of sweet treats and nothing else. According to the Ocala Star-Banner, the same store was targeted by a burglar matching the same description last February. In that incident, he made off with a box of Little Debbie Iced Oatmeal Cakes.
Your Tax Dollars At Work:
Part MMMDCXXXVIII
An attorney in Miami could not visit her client at a South Florida detention center last week, because of the undergarment she was wearing. The attorney said her under-wire bra set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center, and guards would not let the woman in because she would set off the prison alarms. According to The Miami Herald, the attorney did the only thing she could think of, as she had a pressing need to get a deposition for an upcoming court case with her client. She excused herself to the ladies' restroom, where she removed the offending undergarment. She then got back in line for the metal detector to enter the detention center. This time, the super-efficient guards refused to let her inside because of a long-standing directive from prison officials: "All female visitors must be wearing a bra." Apparently her objections were overruled, and she left the facility without ever coming abreast of her client for the deposition.
Prioritize!
PITTSBURGH (AP wire story) - Pittsburgh police are searching for a butterfingered robber, who got away with cigarettes and at least a little bit of money. Police said the man robbed the Uni-Mart in Pittsburgh's Troy Hill section about 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. The man wore a ski mask and ball cap, and pointed a handgun at a clerk who gave him all the money in the register - a total of $66. The man then shouted "Gimme some cigarettes" and the clerk quickly handed him a fistful, which turned out to be 7 packs. Detectives reviewed surveillance video Monday, and said the man was so intent on collecting the smokes he wasn't paying attention to the cash, dropping bills here and there. After he fled the scene, the store clerk and a customer who had been in the store at the time of the robbery picked up the loot that was left behind. $65 worth to be exact. The thief was so intent on getting his cigarettes he had dropped all but $1 of the stolen bounty from the cash drawer. Authorities did not hint at any immediate arrests in the robbery, saying it would be unlikely to track the missing $1 bill as part of a "spending spree". The rest of the evidence against the perpetrator? Well, it's probably gone up in smoke.
I said PRIORITIZE!
Police in Ocala, Florida are searching for a burglar who stole a box of cookies from a discount store. Police said the thief could clearly be seen on-camera taking a box of Oreo Cakesters from the Dollar General store. The cookies have a suggested retail value at $2.50. Surveillance footage shows the man actually breaking a glass door to get into the store, only to take the box of sweet treats and nothing else. According to the Ocala Star-Banner, the same store was targeted by a burglar matching the same description last February. In that incident, he made off with a box of Little Debbie Iced Oatmeal Cakes.
Your Tax Dollars At Work:
Part MMMDCXXXVIII
An attorney in Miami could not visit her client at a South Florida detention center last week, because of the undergarment she was wearing. The attorney said her under-wire bra set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center, and guards would not let the woman in because she would set off the prison alarms. According to The Miami Herald, the attorney did the only thing she could think of, as she had a pressing need to get a deposition for an upcoming court case with her client. She excused herself to the ladies' restroom, where she removed the offending undergarment. She then got back in line for the metal detector to enter the detention center. This time, the super-efficient guards refused to let her inside because of a long-standing directive from prison officials: "All female visitors must be wearing a bra." Apparently her objections were overruled, and she left the facility without ever coming abreast of her client for the deposition.
Monday, June 14, 2010
World Cup Fever? Don't take Ibuprofen!
The World Cup is all abuzz in South Africa. And that seems to be a major hurdle in Americans getting behind this international event. Every time you turn on a "futbol" match, you hear this horrendous buzzing noise that sounds like a swarm of killer bees has invaded your TV. But it's not bees, and it's not really buzzing, it's vuvuzelas. Huh? Vuvuzela may sound like a body part of some sort, but it's actually a super-annoying plastic horn, the equivalent of running a kazoo through a stack of Marshall amplifiers. It would be one thing to blow them for 5 minutes when a goal is scored. Or to voice disapproval over a bad call by the umpire or referee or linesman or whatever you call those guys. No, the apparent purpose of a vuvuzela is to blow it and maintain the loudest, most constant shrill call you can produce, until you either die or someone says "Hey, they turned out the lights.....I think it's time to go home." You want local flavor, this is it. That is, if you want the local flavor to be burned cauliflower soaked in turpentine. Mmm-Mmm Good! ESPN even has their professional sound engineers trying to modify broadcasts by blocking a certain frequency that the vuvuzela produces, but with little or no result. Just like a kazoo, the harder you blow the sound tends to go up or down, not remaining at a constant drone that could be "bleeped" electronically. So as long as this tournament goes on, get used to that bee-like buzz riding squarely between your eyebrows in the center of what's left of your brain. Still, you have to love a sport that pits superpowers like Brazil and Spain against countries the size of a K-Mart and its parking lot, with names no one can pronounce accurately, all in the name of good sport. Over the weekend, I actually gave it the old college try, watching pre-game analysis with some experts in the field who were hyping things up. In particular, they were talking about the ultra-aggressive Argentinian squad built solely on offense, going against the incredibly-gifted athletes of Nigeria. One expert was saying, "These teams are offensive juggernauts, and their potential to fill the net is almost unrivaled during this World Cup.....I fully expect TWO GOALS." That's not 2 apiece, he was saying these guys were so potent at scoring, he expected a TOTAL of 2 goals for the match. The other analyst chimed in, "Yes - there should be fireworks aplenty!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Hey guys - did you know in the NBA Finals they're scoring 50-60 points per quarter? Times 4? Say what you want about athleticism and defense, I'm a huge sports fan, but in a nutshell I can wrap up my World Cup feelings in 4 words: I don't get it. Turns out, the experts were only half right, with the final score being a whopping 1 for Argentina, and 0 (or "nil") for poor Nigeria. Personally, until they figure out a way to increase scoring, or even more importantly stop allowing games to end in a tie which Americans HATE, this sport is doomed to kids on local Saturday morning soccer fields in the USA, and the mini-van Moms that brought them.
Here's my suggestion for increasing scoring, where you wouldn't need some sort of bogus shootout at the end. Just take some players off the field, and allow much more freedom of substitution. If you had about 2-3 fewer players per side (my suggestion is 2), it would dramatically open up the field, making for more 1-on-1 plays and a whole lot more scoring. Then you'd have something. Kind of. You still have to get rid of the guys over-acting like WWE professional wrestlers, every time someone gets within 5 yards of them. Seeing some guy carried off on a stretcher, only to come back into the match a minute later, is not heroic. It's embarrassing. I'll stick with my plain old NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL for now. All you FIFA guys work on it and get back to me.
It was reported this week that a 3-year-old girl from China has reportedly been smoking and drinking ever since she was in a car accident when she was 2. Ya Wen's mother says Ya was knocked down by a speeding van and was taken to a hospital, where she was in a coma for a week. Ya wasn't fully recovered for several months, but one day after returning home, her mother found her secretly smoking cigarettes she had stolen from her father. After talking to Ya about it, she also found out the little girl had been addicted to cigarettes for about a year, and had also begun drinking. "Three glasses of beer is no problem for her," Ya's mom says. Doctors can't tell why Ya had suddenly developed the habits of a late-teenager, but say the head injuries she suffered in the accident may be to blame. No mention was made of either Ya's mother or father being Chinese Parent Of The Year candidates.
NOT at your local Dairy Queen:
Oh those Brits. If it's not big fuzzy hats on the Buckingham Palace guards, it's catastrophic oil spills on our pristine beaches. What can they think of next? This summer across the U.K, there is a new flavor of ice cream being promoted as the next big thing. Fish-and-chips flavored ice cream is coming to a pub near you. The unique flavor involves creamed cod-flavored ice cream coated in a vanilla-and-pepper batter, accompanied with potato ice cream chips made with Maris Piper potatoes. The entire dairy treat is served with salt, vinegar and lemon wedges.
Do these guys know how to party or what? I'm guessing they other traditional flavors such as kidney or tripe were less appetizing than creamed cod. Question: Did the British run out of chocolate or something? Maybe anything sounds good after a dozen warm dark ales on a Saturday night outing with the lads....
Here's my suggestion for increasing scoring, where you wouldn't need some sort of bogus shootout at the end. Just take some players off the field, and allow much more freedom of substitution. If you had about 2-3 fewer players per side (my suggestion is 2), it would dramatically open up the field, making for more 1-on-1 plays and a whole lot more scoring. Then you'd have something. Kind of. You still have to get rid of the guys over-acting like WWE professional wrestlers, every time someone gets within 5 yards of them. Seeing some guy carried off on a stretcher, only to come back into the match a minute later, is not heroic. It's embarrassing. I'll stick with my plain old NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL for now. All you FIFA guys work on it and get back to me.
It was reported this week that a 3-year-old girl from China has reportedly been smoking and drinking ever since she was in a car accident when she was 2. Ya Wen's mother says Ya was knocked down by a speeding van and was taken to a hospital, where she was in a coma for a week. Ya wasn't fully recovered for several months, but one day after returning home, her mother found her secretly smoking cigarettes she had stolen from her father. After talking to Ya about it, she also found out the little girl had been addicted to cigarettes for about a year, and had also begun drinking. "Three glasses of beer is no problem for her," Ya's mom says. Doctors can't tell why Ya had suddenly developed the habits of a late-teenager, but say the head injuries she suffered in the accident may be to blame. No mention was made of either Ya's mother or father being Chinese Parent Of The Year candidates.
NOT at your local Dairy Queen:
Oh those Brits. If it's not big fuzzy hats on the Buckingham Palace guards, it's catastrophic oil spills on our pristine beaches. What can they think of next? This summer across the U.K, there is a new flavor of ice cream being promoted as the next big thing. Fish-and-chips flavored ice cream is coming to a pub near you. The unique flavor involves creamed cod-flavored ice cream coated in a vanilla-and-pepper batter, accompanied with potato ice cream chips made with Maris Piper potatoes. The entire dairy treat is served with salt, vinegar and lemon wedges.
Do these guys know how to party or what? I'm guessing they other traditional flavors such as kidney or tripe were less appetizing than creamed cod. Question: Did the British run out of chocolate or something? Maybe anything sounds good after a dozen warm dark ales on a Saturday night outing with the lads....
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Greece Is The Word
Watching the stock market today, the only words that come to mind are compliments of Hank Hill, "What the Hell?" Insiders who know how these knee-jerk things work probably got rich or richer between 2pm and 4pm today. Panic mode drove the market South by nearly 1,000 points, and within a couple of hours it was 2/3 of the way back to par. All this because Greece can't get its political act together, and the shockwaves cross the Atlantic like a tsunami. Makes me want to swear off Feta Cheese in an effort to say "So there!" Hopefully everybody will unwad their undergarments, and get back to working to make this a better world. Just about everyone alive has witnessed some sort of European political crisis of some sort, whether it's Italy this week or France or Greece the next, and things always have a way of working themselves out. Maybe not without some pain, but days like today are more likely to be buying opportunities than selling. Unless the Earth is coming to an end by around 5pm, when you see stocks like Apple drop 12-15 points, that's a welcome mat to buy more. IPods, IPhones, IPads, and IAnythings are not going away - they're the way of the world, my peeps. Get on that train and ride. Even though stocks are mostly Greek to me, Greece is the word (is the word, is the word) today for making some wise market moves.
After the recent situation in New York's Times Square, the U.S. Gub'Ment has ordered airlines to update their no-fly lists within 2 hours of a new information release. I heard that, and immediately thought "it's about time." Then, after cocking my head to the side like a Labrador Retriever who thinks he just heard a whistle and does that mean dinner or is my owner going to give me a bath, I thought...."wait a darn minute." We're allowing the AIRLINES to check the no-fly lists? The same airlines who are so hurting for money they'll do almost anything to fill seats on their planes? Those airlines? The same ones who have been known for bureaucratic ineptitude that makes the Federal Gub'Ment look like finely-tuned Chinese acrobats? Those airlines? Well, I've never been a proponent of big government in general, but sometimes when it comes to National Security, you have to take the sharp objects away from the parties-most-likely-to-puncture-themselves and stand guard yourself. I'd have no problem if my tax dollars went towards more supervision of flight lists and who's on 'em, as opposed to building monuments or paying farmers NOT to grow Crop A or B. Seriously, airlines can no more police themselves, and in turn YOU AND ME, than they can figure out how to earn a profit in their business without bringing up things like charging money for carry-ons. It's all about cutting corners wtih most of them, and when lives are in the balance, I'm going to cast my vote for a government big enough to accept this kind of challenge.
Remember the Disney movie, "All Dogs Go To Heaven?" Yeah, me neither but SOMEBODY out there must have watched it. In fact, it's apparently inspired the faithful in the small town of Danvers, Massachusetts. Calvary Episcopal Church in Danvers will later this month offer its first Perfect Paws Pet Ministry, aimed at giving area dogs and their owners improved odds at getting into Heaven. The church plans to hold a service for dogs, on the 3rd Sunday every month, complete with communion for their human counterparts and special blessings for Fido and friends. Instead of communion wafers, dogs will get special treats. Church officials have said all well-mannered, leashed dogs are invited. People can pre-submit a prayer on paper, if their pets are sick, or if they require better temperment around other dogs, or if the family pup has become, how you say, deceased. Prayers can also be offered for other types of pets, though emphasis will be on living up to the Canine Commandments. I'm pretty sure #1 is "Thou shalt not leave anything on the carpet....bad doggie" (more or less). Somehow, I'm picturing a French Poodle at a New England Patriots game, with the top of his hair colored to look like a rainbow wig, holding up a sign saying "Jaques 3:13"
Pantyhose Shortage?
Cops in Nebraska are searching for a man who robbed a shop-owner with a knife earlier this week. Apparently the man was desperate - he either couldn't find, or couldn't afford a real bad-guy type mask. Not even the .99cent Halloween type like cheap plastic Sponge Bob. Not even a pair pantyhose, new or used. The thief came into the business right at closing time, wielding a knife wildly, his head completely wrapped in toilet paper except for an eye-hole and a small opening to speak. He probably appeared to be closer to The Unknown Comic than Al Capone at that moment, but he demanded money and was able to escape with an unspecified amount. A police sniffer dog tried to track the suspect, but was only able to discover a trail of toilet paper sheets that eventually ended. Is it just me, or is there some comedy in having a sniffer dog follow a trail of toilet paper? "Sarge, I think he's got something over here - eh, no maybe not. I believe he just discovered where Jake's cows have been meditating after filling up on corn meal...."
After the recent situation in New York's Times Square, the U.S. Gub'Ment has ordered airlines to update their no-fly lists within 2 hours of a new information release. I heard that, and immediately thought "it's about time." Then, after cocking my head to the side like a Labrador Retriever who thinks he just heard a whistle and does that mean dinner or is my owner going to give me a bath, I thought...."wait a darn minute." We're allowing the AIRLINES to check the no-fly lists? The same airlines who are so hurting for money they'll do almost anything to fill seats on their planes? Those airlines? The same ones who have been known for bureaucratic ineptitude that makes the Federal Gub'Ment look like finely-tuned Chinese acrobats? Those airlines? Well, I've never been a proponent of big government in general, but sometimes when it comes to National Security, you have to take the sharp objects away from the parties-most-likely-to-puncture-themselves and stand guard yourself. I'd have no problem if my tax dollars went towards more supervision of flight lists and who's on 'em, as opposed to building monuments or paying farmers NOT to grow Crop A or B. Seriously, airlines can no more police themselves, and in turn YOU AND ME, than they can figure out how to earn a profit in their business without bringing up things like charging money for carry-ons. It's all about cutting corners wtih most of them, and when lives are in the balance, I'm going to cast my vote for a government big enough to accept this kind of challenge.
Remember the Disney movie, "All Dogs Go To Heaven?" Yeah, me neither but SOMEBODY out there must have watched it. In fact, it's apparently inspired the faithful in the small town of Danvers, Massachusetts. Calvary Episcopal Church in Danvers will later this month offer its first Perfect Paws Pet Ministry, aimed at giving area dogs and their owners improved odds at getting into Heaven. The church plans to hold a service for dogs, on the 3rd Sunday every month, complete with communion for their human counterparts and special blessings for Fido and friends. Instead of communion wafers, dogs will get special treats. Church officials have said all well-mannered, leashed dogs are invited. People can pre-submit a prayer on paper, if their pets are sick, or if they require better temperment around other dogs, or if the family pup has become, how you say, deceased. Prayers can also be offered for other types of pets, though emphasis will be on living up to the Canine Commandments. I'm pretty sure #1 is "Thou shalt not leave anything on the carpet....bad doggie" (more or less). Somehow, I'm picturing a French Poodle at a New England Patriots game, with the top of his hair colored to look like a rainbow wig, holding up a sign saying "Jaques 3:13"
Pantyhose Shortage?
Cops in Nebraska are searching for a man who robbed a shop-owner with a knife earlier this week. Apparently the man was desperate - he either couldn't find, or couldn't afford a real bad-guy type mask. Not even the .99cent Halloween type like cheap plastic Sponge Bob. Not even a pair pantyhose, new or used. The thief came into the business right at closing time, wielding a knife wildly, his head completely wrapped in toilet paper except for an eye-hole and a small opening to speak. He probably appeared to be closer to The Unknown Comic than Al Capone at that moment, but he demanded money and was able to escape with an unspecified amount. A police sniffer dog tried to track the suspect, but was only able to discover a trail of toilet paper sheets that eventually ended. Is it just me, or is there some comedy in having a sniffer dog follow a trail of toilet paper? "Sarge, I think he's got something over here - eh, no maybe not. I believe he just discovered where Jake's cows have been meditating after filling up on corn meal...."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
My Name Is Oil...
I know I've been away from my blog for a while, but that's a good thing. Business is UP and I've been too busy to sit down and write my normal drivel - I mean thoughtful prose on travel and the World as I see it. However, today's announcement of impending doom by Princess Cruises got me back in the saddle. Like the debacle of a few years ago, Princess is the first cruise line to institute a new FUEL SUPPLEMENT starting May 10th, for new cruise bookings. They've come up with the magically-delicious formula of $3.85 per person per day. Say what? I know the cost of fuel is eating into cruise line profits, but if you're going to add a supplement, why not make it something easy to remember or explain to people? Something that makes sense like a flat $4.00, or maybe a figure like $3.50 that becomes an even number ($7.00) when you quote double occupancy. $ 3.85 just sounds like something they pulled out of a hat, in an effort to get just a little further under my skin. CONGRATULATIONS - it worked! This on top of Celebrity Cruises' announcement that they are going to have 4 different "drink plan" options on board their ships effective immediately. There will be a soft drink/coffee/juice/water plan clients can purchase, or an upgraded plan that includes name brand flavored waters, energy drinks and smoothies, or another plan that includes some beers, wines and cheaper drinks, and finally the premium plan that includes high-end drinks, beers and wines up to $12 per serving.
Oh goodie. Just a handful of years ago I was on a cruise and purchased the soft drink/juice plan and it was around $26 for the entire 7 night cruise. These new plans start at about $15 per person PER DAY (that's $105 for a 7-night cruise each person), and work their way up to over $56 per person per day for premium levels. That may be fine for the hardest-partying among us, but Joe Average (and his wife Jane) will be tempted to drink more than they ever would back home, in an effort to at least break even....if not get better-than-normal return for their buck on the package. Yes I'm old and yes I'm jaded and yes I can probably drink most of you under the Poop Deck, but when all-inclusive resorts are cutting deep into cruise lines' market share, it strikes me as particularly lousy timing to try to show how LESS inclusive modern cruises are by comparison. It's changing the way I look at the industry as a whole, and is certainly affecting how I make vacation suggestions to clients. As Mr. T would say, "I pity the fuel.....supplement...."
Speaking of oil, and who isn't these days, BP has decided to reclaim the Gulf of Mexico for Great Britain, 1 endangered species at a time. So far, the cruise industry has been unaffected or only slightly so, and it's a bit of a wait-and-see on how it's going to affect the tourism of some of the United States' finest beaches, even though most people don't know how sugar-white the sand is along Alabama and the Florida panhandle. I'm not sure why any jut of land is called a panhandle, particularly when they're large and square or long and jagged. Every handle of a pan I've ever held was smooth and black and usually said "Made In China" on the underside, but I digress. On a serious tone (I always hate to use the word sober, being a man of the drink), future generations of Americans are going to miss things we take for granted, such as fresh water and living creatures, if somebody doesn't get a grip on the influence of Big Oil. Corruption is virtually assumed of Congress and the back-slapping buddy system that's been in place since your Grandpappy's Grandpappy's day. This ain't the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but it's high time (thank you Cheech & Chong) to look at more than filling SUV's with unlimited supplies of a limited, polluting material. Wake up and smell the petroleum, America. It's coming to get you and it's coming fast.
An 82-year-old man from India, Prahlad Jani, claims he has lived for the last 70 years without any food or drink. Jani says he left home when he was seven, and has lived as a wandering holy man, who can live on breath and spiritual life force alone. He claims he is sustained by a goddess who pours an "elixir" through a hole in his palate. Jani is now being studied by Indian military experts, who believe he could teach soldiers or disaster victims how to survive longer without food or drink. One spokesman said, "If Jani's claims are verified, it will truly be a breakthrough in medical science." Another unnamed spokesman said, "The guy weighs 3/4 of an ounce - I thought he was a talking piece of dust. If his claims are verified, he must be famished!" Jani was last seen carrying a half-dozen pizza boxes down an alley, to which he said "No, no, these are empties. I'm just helping my friend clean his porch...."
Oh goodie. Just a handful of years ago I was on a cruise and purchased the soft drink/juice plan and it was around $26 for the entire 7 night cruise. These new plans start at about $15 per person PER DAY (that's $105 for a 7-night cruise each person), and work their way up to over $56 per person per day for premium levels. That may be fine for the hardest-partying among us, but Joe Average (and his wife Jane) will be tempted to drink more than they ever would back home, in an effort to at least break even....if not get better-than-normal return for their buck on the package. Yes I'm old and yes I'm jaded and yes I can probably drink most of you under the Poop Deck, but when all-inclusive resorts are cutting deep into cruise lines' market share, it strikes me as particularly lousy timing to try to show how LESS inclusive modern cruises are by comparison. It's changing the way I look at the industry as a whole, and is certainly affecting how I make vacation suggestions to clients. As Mr. T would say, "I pity the fuel.....supplement...."
Speaking of oil, and who isn't these days, BP has decided to reclaim the Gulf of Mexico for Great Britain, 1 endangered species at a time. So far, the cruise industry has been unaffected or only slightly so, and it's a bit of a wait-and-see on how it's going to affect the tourism of some of the United States' finest beaches, even though most people don't know how sugar-white the sand is along Alabama and the Florida panhandle. I'm not sure why any jut of land is called a panhandle, particularly when they're large and square or long and jagged. Every handle of a pan I've ever held was smooth and black and usually said "Made In China" on the underside, but I digress. On a serious tone (I always hate to use the word sober, being a man of the drink), future generations of Americans are going to miss things we take for granted, such as fresh water and living creatures, if somebody doesn't get a grip on the influence of Big Oil. Corruption is virtually assumed of Congress and the back-slapping buddy system that's been in place since your Grandpappy's Grandpappy's day. This ain't the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but it's high time (thank you Cheech & Chong) to look at more than filling SUV's with unlimited supplies of a limited, polluting material. Wake up and smell the petroleum, America. It's coming to get you and it's coming fast.
An 82-year-old man from India, Prahlad Jani, claims he has lived for the last 70 years without any food or drink. Jani says he left home when he was seven, and has lived as a wandering holy man, who can live on breath and spiritual life force alone. He claims he is sustained by a goddess who pours an "elixir" through a hole in his palate. Jani is now being studied by Indian military experts, who believe he could teach soldiers or disaster victims how to survive longer without food or drink. One spokesman said, "If Jani's claims are verified, it will truly be a breakthrough in medical science." Another unnamed spokesman said, "The guy weighs 3/4 of an ounce - I thought he was a talking piece of dust. If his claims are verified, he must be famished!" Jani was last seen carrying a half-dozen pizza boxes down an alley, to which he said "No, no, these are empties. I'm just helping my friend clean his porch...."
Friday, March 12, 2010
Going Up? Why, YES!
Sorry I haven't posted for a while, but the first quarter of the year is like the Super Bowl in the travel business. It's just been too busy, and in fact the business has been coming in at unprecedented levels. Yes, I know there's still unemployment and issues and all that jazz, but Americans are SICK AND TIRED of staying home! Now that the stock market has recovered from its lows of the past year or two, people are on the move. And so is the price of oil, coming back up into the $80+ dollar-a-barrel level in the last few days. I think the cruise lines learned a valuable lesson a couple of years ago, with the debacle of adding a fuel supplement, then adjusting it, then having to remove it, etc. What an insane dance that was! But when fuel cost, which is one of their biggest expenses, hits these levels they can't just sit back and watch their bottom line erode. For that reason, virtually all the cruise lines are raising their rates across the board, and some have even set specific dates! Carnival is the earliest, with a March 22nd deadline before the increase. If you book between now and March 19th, you can still enjoy their best Summer prices, but if you wait through the weekend and call on Monday, expect prices to go up at least 5%. That's every category, every ship and every itinerary for Summer 2010 sailings on Carnival! Norwegian cruise line is raising rates even further, an estimated 7%, while some premium lines are saying it will be up to 10%. That may not sound like a huge hit, but for a family of 4 that can add up to hundreds of dollars just because you procrastinated! Our advice is to pick up the phone and call NOW for your best Summer pricing. People who say "I'll just wait until they have open cabins at the end and have to give it away." There is a term for that kind of thinking: MYTHOLOGY. Forget what you hear on the news about the economy, people are traveling and these ships are all going out 100% full, and they're selling out way in advance. If you wait, you'll either pay more or be staying home cutting the grass. End of story. Don't be Mr. Smart Guy who outwits the system. This isn't Survivor, where you can outwit or outlast the cruise lines. They're bigger than you. They have highly-paid teams who set price points at levels where they know they are going to sell out, and last-minute cheap availability during the Summer simply doesn't exist. Supply and Demand 101. Once schools let out, families, teachers, professors, school administrators and staff ALL OVER THE COUNTRY are now free to travel. The supply is finite, not infinite, and demand is 5-10 times normal. That's the math. So grab that phone and call me today!
Catholics. Protestants. Jews. Muslims. Buddhists. I thought I had heard of just about all religions at some point, but according to Miami Police, there's a new show in town. Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion (not identified by name) said they were told to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail. Federal authorities raided the Miami man's home, after receiving complaints that many people were violently sickened. The man has not been criminally charged, but prosecutors and State and Federal wildlife agencies are investigating. The Giant African Snail is prohibited in the U.S. without special approval since experts said it devastates new ecosystems. The snail can grow up to 10 inches long, can reproduce on its own and even can even eat plaster. The unidentified "priest" said he meant no harm, and his religion uses the snails in healing ceremonies. His followers say besides getting violently ill, they lost weight and developed strange lumps in their stomachs. Here are my questions: Who on EARTH is following this guy? And why? Isn't it easier to become a devotee of American Idol or something, where you're not having to ingest snail mucus, or at least it's optional if you disagree with Simon? Who knew snails have noses and sinus congestion in the first place? I guess when they get congested they have to go to a snail specialist. I can just picture the Doctor now, reaching under the slug and saying "Cough."
If You MUST Commit A Crime, Plan Better!
Authorities in Riverside County California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market earlier this week. The Sheriff's Department's spokesperson says the woman was armed with a semi-automatic pistol, when she arrived at the La Chicanita Market, in the town of Thermal on Tuesday afternoon. Deputy Herlinda Valenzuela says the woman confronted 10 customers in the store, and also demanded money from a person who was entering the market just as she was leaving. No one was injured in the brazen robbery, but authorities added up the combined take from the 11 customers, and concluded the suspect got away with just over $6.
NY Cheese? Yeah, I'll stick with Wisconsin....
The New York Post has recently run a story about a chef and his wife, who are using her breast milk to make cheese, while answering criticism that the human dairy product is unsafe. Lori Mason said, "I eat healthier than your average cow, and I'm not pumped full of steroids!" Mason co-owns Klee Brasserie in New York with her chef husband, Daniel Angerer. While the cheese is not technically against any current health codes, City officials have advised diners to take a pass on general ethical reasons. Several curious people showed up at the couple's restaurant after the story ran, just to try a sample. A New York City cheese shop owner gave his own review: "It was slippery, slightly crunchy and tasted like pickles." Mmmmmm. Can I get that on a burger to go please? Sounds titillating!
Catholics. Protestants. Jews. Muslims. Buddhists. I thought I had heard of just about all religions at some point, but according to Miami Police, there's a new show in town. Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion (not identified by name) said they were told to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail. Federal authorities raided the Miami man's home, after receiving complaints that many people were violently sickened. The man has not been criminally charged, but prosecutors and State and Federal wildlife agencies are investigating. The Giant African Snail is prohibited in the U.S. without special approval since experts said it devastates new ecosystems. The snail can grow up to 10 inches long, can reproduce on its own and even can even eat plaster. The unidentified "priest" said he meant no harm, and his religion uses the snails in healing ceremonies. His followers say besides getting violently ill, they lost weight and developed strange lumps in their stomachs. Here are my questions: Who on EARTH is following this guy? And why? Isn't it easier to become a devotee of American Idol or something, where you're not having to ingest snail mucus, or at least it's optional if you disagree with Simon? Who knew snails have noses and sinus congestion in the first place? I guess when they get congested they have to go to a snail specialist. I can just picture the Doctor now, reaching under the slug and saying "Cough."
If You MUST Commit A Crime, Plan Better!
Authorities in Riverside County California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market earlier this week. The Sheriff's Department's spokesperson says the woman was armed with a semi-automatic pistol, when she arrived at the La Chicanita Market, in the town of Thermal on Tuesday afternoon. Deputy Herlinda Valenzuela says the woman confronted 10 customers in the store, and also demanded money from a person who was entering the market just as she was leaving. No one was injured in the brazen robbery, but authorities added up the combined take from the 11 customers, and concluded the suspect got away with just over $6.
NY Cheese? Yeah, I'll stick with Wisconsin....
The New York Post has recently run a story about a chef and his wife, who are using her breast milk to make cheese, while answering criticism that the human dairy product is unsafe. Lori Mason said, "I eat healthier than your average cow, and I'm not pumped full of steroids!" Mason co-owns Klee Brasserie in New York with her chef husband, Daniel Angerer. While the cheese is not technically against any current health codes, City officials have advised diners to take a pass on general ethical reasons. Several curious people showed up at the couple's restaurant after the story ran, just to try a sample. A New York City cheese shop owner gave his own review: "It was slippery, slightly crunchy and tasted like pickles." Mmmmmm. Can I get that on a burger to go please? Sounds titillating!
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