What about BOB?

My last name is Birthisel. My Dad had the good fortune to be born into a family of comedians, who without hesitation hung the name Prescott Ariel Birthisel on him. He lived with it for about 20 years, but upon joining the Coast Guard his drill instructor asked him his name. "Prescott Ariel Birthisel, SIR!" came the sharp reply. Sharper yet was the drill instructor's comeback:

"That's not the name of a human, son. That sounds like a goat. Prescott Ariel Birthisel just ate my shoes. You are a human, son, although I might question that with a last name of Birthisel. Whenever I need you, I'm going to just say 'Bert' and you will respond. Is that understood? From this day forward you are Bert. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

Apparently so, because from that day forward he WAS Bert, allowing only the occasional relative such as his Mother to call him Prescott. When Dad married Mom, his first words to her were "If we have sons they'll be Bill and Bob, and if we have daughters they'll be Mary and Sue." Oh, did I mention he had an Aunt Anasthasia Keppleblossom Birthisel? Yeah, Mary and Sue ought to solve that little life-dilemma. Turns out, no girls every popped into the picture, just Bill and Bob as advertised. It still leaves me with my twisted little mind, so that when someone asks my name and I say Bob Birthisel, and they say "spell that," I always say B-O-B. The reason I brought it up in the first place is because celebrities these days seem to go out of their way to find a name that will live in infamy for their kids. Gwyneth Paltrow seemed to think Apple sounded like a nice human name. Michael Jackson has Blanket. Nicklaus Cage named his son Kal-El (the Kryptonian name for the guy we know as Superman). Jason Lee of "My Name Is Earl" has a young'un named Pilot Inspektor and no, that's not misspelled. Did you know David Duchovny and Tea Leoni had a kid? Yep...named him Kyd. Sylvester Stallone must have been re-living his Rambo years when he named his child Sage Moonblood. Kind of makes Prescott Ariel Birthisel sound sing-songy in the grand scheme of things. Well, now there's Nicole Ritchie who decided 3 names certainly were not enough for her sprout, Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Sparrow. For a little boy. A little boy who is absolutely certain to get the crud kicked out of him, every day of his life until he learns to go by James (Midnight won't fare much better than Sparrow). I had to Google a picture of a sparrow, just to see why that name might fit. Just a non-descript gray-and-brown little bird. Certain birds work as names for humans. Raven works well for girls with jet-black hair. Hawk sounds kind of tough. Just about everyone knows someone named Jay. But Sparrow? I don't get it. I'm guessing if Nicole's Dad Lionel Ritchie had used a drunken sense of humor, and named her Octoberspicket Pansy Foofaw Witchy Ritchie, her sons wouldn't be going through this. Bill and Bob, they'd be...

In case you still have thoughts of getting away before the end of 2009, you'll be pleasantly surprised that while the Dow has passed 10,000, cruise prices have dipped to near-historic lows for last-minute travelers. Even Christmas and New Year's cruises that are normally 2-3 times the standard price are offering some respite on pricing. Not necessarily if you need a "special" cabin that holds 4 or 5 people, but I'm still seeing very fair double occupancy rates out there, almost across the board. They won't last long, though. So if you still have that get-outta-town Jones poking at you, pick up your phone and call The Cap'n.

HALLOWEEN XVII- Jason, is that you?!

In Los Angeles, it's not uncommon for people to go all-out decorating their homes or apartments for special occasions. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and in particular Halloween will draw lots of creative people out of the woodwork, trying to spice up the neighborhood. Ghosts and ghouls and ghastly sights are the norm in October. But neighbors in one area of LA were transfixed by the realism of a balcony display, as they walked their puppies or jogged around the block. There he was, a scraggly gray corpse drooped over in a chair, with "blood" flowing down the side of his face in the spookiest way. Lots of people commented on it, and told their friends to check it out. After 4 days passed, there was a strange, ever-so-bad smell that started to permeate the neighborhood. Upon closer inspection, passers-by realized it was the actual body of a 75-year-old man, who had been decorating the balcony for Halloween, when he apparently got into the spirit a bit too much and shot himself in the head. Authorities were called, and have ruled the death an apparent suicide. Not sure what's going to happen with the 5 unopened bags of candy found inside his aparment, but maybe Sparrow can come over and hand out packets of birdseed.