Trial And Error

There's a saga going on in the sleepy village of St. John's, the capital of the Caribbean island of Antigua. Some people pronounce it an-TEE-Gwa. Those people are wrong. Forget that there's a "U" in the name - the U is silent and it's pronounced an-TEE-Ga by the locals, and anyone in-the-know. The ongoing saga stems from an incident involving a handful of cruise ship passengers, who instead of taking the organized ship's tours decided they could do it cheaper and better on their own. Those people were wrong, too. They thought they had made a verbal agreement with a cab driver, to take them to the beach and bring them back again. When they got back to the ship, though, the passengers found out the dollar figure he had quoted them was "each way" and not round-trip. Words and unpleasantries were exchanged, and the cab driver, with passengers still in tow, sped away from the pier to what was supposedly a back entrance to the Police Station. Here's where the story gets grainy. The local Police claim that when they came out to confront the situation, the passengers started fighting them, and things quickly spiraled out of control. The passengers claim the Constables and Policemen were all dressed in plain clothes, and because they couldn't see the front of the Police Station, they thought they were just being taken to an alley and mugged, so they fought back to defend themselves. Needless to say, it's not solely on the island of Antigua where fisticuffs with the local Police will land you in a heap of hot water! All of the cruise passengers involved were arrested, and brought to trial. The actual incident happened weeks ago, but the trial drags on daily, with continuous testimony of he-said, she-said, with no end currently in sight. The nature of this confrontation and ensuing political theater has spooked other cruise passengers, and even the biggest cruise line in the world, Carnival. They just announced they are dropping Antigua as a port of call starting in January, replacing it with the half-Dutch, half-French island of St. Maarten. While there are clearly no winners here, there are definitely some major losers:

> The cruise passengers involved, some of whom have lost their jobs back home and are being eaten alive by judicial expenses. Not to mention whatever crawls on the floor of an Antiguan prison cell.

> The Police and government of Antigua, for allowing things to get to this point and the mis-handling of foreign visitors, if in fact the Policemen were plain-clothes and failed to properly identify themselves during the confrontation (as is claimed by the defendants).

> Local businesses and the innocent people of Antigua, who stand to lose hundreds of thousands if not millions of tourism dollars. Once cruise ships pull out over this type of thing, they're not coming back in 6 months. It may be 6 years, or it might not happen again for decades.

I can think of a number of Caribbean islands who, from a combination of greed, attitude and failure to provide safety to foreign visitors, have bitten the bullet for a very long time. Martinique flies to the forefront. Used to be a constant cruise ship favorite, and now has fallen off the radar. There are others who served a multi-year penance, and are slowly climbing back into favor. St. Croix is an example - even though it's part of the US and the largest of the US Virgin Islands, they went for 7+ years with no stops. Lovely Trinidad has had enough political upheaval to last it for a couple of centuries, and the major cruise lines have stayed away in droves because of it. Even a super-popular island such as Jamaica has its issues. Cruise lines stop on the Northern shore, in either Ocho Rios or Montego Bay, but nobody wants to tread anywhere near the capital city of Kingston. Burn me once, burn me twice. With the lawsuit-happy traveling public, it's simply not worth the risk for publicly-traded companies like the cruise lines to risk their reputations.

The other day I posted about those wacky Brits, and now they're at it again! Seems they are just as scared of the H1N1 virus, a.k.a. swine flu, as the rest of the world. They're even trying to look out for the prisoners in their penal system, by replacing the soap dispensers in the prison and giving the inmates bottles of hand sanitizer, such as "Purell" to avoid catching the disease. Well, if you know anything about hand sanitizers, it's not the floral scent in them that kills the germs - it's alcohol. Prison officials are now having to re-think their priorities, when guards found numerous inmates drunk and disorderly, after drinking their bottles of hand wash. I guess their thoughts were "Hey - the germs are tryin' to get IN me, not ON me!!"

I said SIT DOWN! That'll be $96 bucks, please.

Oh those wacky Brits. It's always something, isn't it? Apparently they've been watching U.S. airlines gouging passengers on baggage fees and other surcharges, to the tune of 3.8 billion dollars so far in 2009, and decided they'd get in on the fun. In the latest episode of "So You Think You Can Fly Cheap," British Airways announced this week that while it's true you are required by law to sit when they tell you to (and fasten that ingenious little safety belt), now that required action will cost you. Big time. You can still go onto British Airways' website 24 hours in advance, and get yourself an assigned seat free. If there are any. However, if you want to know where you're sitting, or if you'll actually be sitting with your wife, kids, etc. - EVEN IN FIRST CLASS - you'd better open that wallet wide and say "Ahhhhhhhhh." If you're riding in coach, a pre-assigned seat will cost you the equivalent of $16 U.S. dollars in each direction if you're flying just within Europe. Going across the Atlantic, or other long-haul flight? Double or nothing, Baby - that's $32 U.S. each direction. And that's if you don't need any of those "special" seats, like a bulkhead or an exit row. You know, the ones everybody loves because they give you extra leg room? Yeah, those are $90 U.S. And how about the people who have already paid hundreds or thousands of dollars extra to sit in First Class? No exemptions there, my friends. Long-haul flights will cost $96 U.S., in addition to the already-heinous upgrade fee. Smart marketing would just add $96 onto the First Class rate, and point out that "If you fly First Class with us, there are no advanced seating charges!" But that would only make sense. Doesn't sound like common sense is anywhere near overtaking greed in this instance. Of course, the response from the airline is that they're already losing money by the bucket-load, and these are simply measures aimed at making the airline profitable. It truly sets the precedent for the consumer's biggest question, WHAT'S NEXT?!

Thank you for traveling on British Airways today. We hope after you've paid your ticket price, you're comfortable in your $32 seat. We also hope the 2 bags you checked for your 2-week vacation in Jamaica are comfortable in their $75, 3-foot-square space in the cargo hold. Flight attendants will be coming around with your $26 buckles, to place on your $19 seat belts so they will latch. Flight attendants will be serving $8 soft drinks and $13 beers once we get to altitude. By the way, speaking of altitude, the Pilot will be sending the flight attendants around with a collection plate, to collect the $37 "take off" fee, plus $10 for every 10,000 feet we have to climb. About 20 minutes before arrival, they will be around again for the $5 descent tax and the $50 "landing fee". For those of you who are a little sheepish about flying, you can upgrade that to a "SAFE landing fee" for only $33 additional. While in flight, when the seatbelt sign has been turned off, feel free to use the lavatories on board. The door will open when you insert $20 into the payment slot, and as a courtesy there is NO CHARGE for coming out when you're done. However, please note the paper seat-protectors are $3, the soap-and-paper-towel combo after use is just $5, and our "Event Special" is toilet paper at just $2 per 4-inch-square sheet. Single-ply and wafer-thin, just the way you'd expect from us. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy your flight and thank you for supporting what's left of British Airways.

Boys Will Be Boys....It's A Shame They Can't Be MEN!

If you're an American, regardless of which party you support, last night was an important night for our Country. In fact, if you are a human it was an important night. The basic human right of getting care when you are sick was on the agenda, and there was an attempt by our collective President to refresh the dialogue. Not President Of The Democrats, but President Of The United States Of America. He had the misfortune of living in an age when reason has been replaced by tantrums. Enlightenment has been replaced by "get that spotlight over here on ME ME ME!" Anyone who reads this blog knows I had serious issues with GW Bush, but if I had met the man I still would have respected the Office Of The Presidency and the man , and it would have been "Yes Sir" and "No Sir" and "Thank You Sir" any time I spoke. What America and the World witnessed last night was proof that not only is our health care system broken, but the United States government is teetering on the brink of becoming gladiator sport. It's all about photo ops. It's all about representing, but gangsta-style, not representing WE THE PEOPLE any more. It's all about being louder than your adversary. You know what it is getting to be? Pro Wrestling. If it weren't for Secret Service protection, you could almost envision one of the dissenters coming off the top rope, with a folding chair right across the President's back. Whenever we see a new low for our elected representatives, trust me it's a new low for all of us. Every man, woman and child. All of us should be incensed at the lack of civility afforded the highest office our Country owns, period. Sure we have free speech. That's not the point. The USA has been a shining beacon to other countries for over 230 years, and for literally centuries we have tried to lead the World by example. The New Example we are setting is embarrassing, before ourselves and the World we live in.

Free speech technically allows you to walk up to someone on a crowded street, that you don't find particularly attractive, and yell out "You are SO UGLY! HEY EVERYBODY, get a load of this - have you ever seen anyone so incredibly UGLY?" Page forward: What if the object of such derision was, say, a 5 year old girl? "Man, you are the UGLIEST LITTLE GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN! Hey everybody, take a gander at this horrible looking kid, WOW!" There you have it. Freedom of Speech 101, right? We can say anything we want to say, any time we want to say it, because we are US Citizens and our Constitution says we can. If you were in the crowd witnessing that sort of "freedom" just ask yourself - would it make you proud to be an American, or would you be appalled beyond belief? That freedom on the edge of the dark side is exactly what we witnessed last night, broadcast "live" around the World. Our elected leadership, on both sides of the aisle, should be held accountable for actions that mis-represent the electorate. Don't you expect better? Don't you think the Founders of our Constitution expected better, then and for all time moving forward? I will tell you I voted for Mr. Obama, but had voted as a registered Republican my entire life including GW Bush his first term. So I'm not playing favorites here - if any President Of The United States were shown the disrespect Prez O (and YOU The People) were shown last night, I would be equally upset. Personally, I love this Land and the freedoms we all hold dear. I'm just calling on each person out there, who sees their misbehaving, tantrum-throwing Congressional representation humiliating them, to hold your lawmakers and delegates accountable for bad behavior. We're no longer talking about Free Speech 101. We're talking Parenting 101. If boys continue to be boys, the only solution is for the citizens to vote Men (or Women) into office to replace them. Our system is adversarial, and was established that way from the beginning, but with basic civil rights and civilities and respect. Grow up, boys. Or go to your room without supper.

Normally I try to include some funnies with my blog, or some travel tips, but this morning I'm feeling a little more subdued, because I take being an American very seriously. Hopefully the readers of my blog do as well. If not, you go on about your day....go on now. Shoo.

Debate-And-Switch

Just when you think our Fine American Democracy has been beaten and battered to the ground, somebody digs a hole and plants it even further down. I feel whether you're in the USA, Canada, Guatemala, Uzbekistan, or wherever there are people: if someone is sick they should have a basic human right of treatment. It's not socialism, it's called HUMANITY, derived from the words "human" and "sanity" if I'm not mistaken. But ever since politics became a nationally-televised event over the last couple of decades, with countless left and right-sided proponents filling the airwaves 24/7, reason has unfortunately fallen by the wayside. I would submit we're closer to treason than reason in some of these debates. Town hall meetings? Not really. They're photo-ops. They're diving platforms for the loud and louder to perform a cannonball from 50 feet, splashing the unwitting American public with their backwash. Nowadays, people can bring guns openly to political events, even when government representatives (including The President) are there. These people say they are proclaiming their 2nd Amendment rights. I call it BRANDISHING their 2nd Amendment rights, but at some point it becomes obscenity. What a load. You can't yell fire in a crowded theater. We're about an inch away from somebody putting a gun to someone's head in a public forum, and claiming 2nd amendment rights to do so. Those aren't rights - those are WRONGS when they're used in an overtly menacing way. When we fazed out the 60's, I was hoping I had seen the last of the truly radical movements, but they're still out there. A bit more disguised as the common man, but equipped with the same tunnel-vision mentality. Radical left. Radical right. Radical extremist. Radical (insert any religion here). If you look closely, there's one common bond in every description, and it's sad we can't just get along as a human race.

So why am I on my soapbox today? Because of another incident at a town hall-like meeting last night in California. Lucky for the "stars" of this episode that guns weren't involved, but one person still bit off more than he could chew. According to CNN, 65-year old William Rice was across the street from a health reform rally last night in Thousand Oaks, CA. Some time during the festivities, words were exchanged and Mr. Rice claims an unidentified man came running towards him yelling, "You're an idiot. You're an idiot." Ok, let's stop the movie! What Mr. Rice did NOT tell CNN was what he was doing or saying that resulted in the unnamed man coming after him. However, a spokesperson for the Ventura County Sherriff's Office says Rice was a counter-demonstrator, who was at the rally not by accident, but by choice. Paid or not, that has yet to be determined. Back to the movie! So as Mr. Unnamed approaches our "innocent bystander," Mr. Rice did the only proudly-American thing he could think of: he threw the first punch, catching the man flush on the nose with an overhand right (by the way, it's up to you, the reader to determine if the words "overhand right" have any further symbolism). Mr. Rice's justification was equally all-American: "If I hadn't hit him first, he'd have hit me." See President Bush? You DID have a lasting impact on our society after all! Anyway, a brouhaha ensued between the two men after the initial punch was thrown, and at some point a part of Mr. Rice's left hand wound up in the other man's mouth. Go figure. Mr. Unnamed apparently did the only all-American thing HE could think of as well, biting off the end of one of Mr. Rice's fingers. A short while after the fisticuffs had ended, Mr. Rice showed up at the Los Robles Hospital in Thousand Oaks, with the detached finger-portion in a cup of ice. He and the doctors discussed re-attaching the digit, but after a few minutes Mr. Rice told them to "keep it" and left the ER of his own accord. The hospital disposed of the stinky pinky and that was that. Now I don't know about you, but if I'm at an EMERGENCY ROOM, with TRAINED DOCTORS, and they have my DECAPITATED PINKY on ice, and can SEW IT BACK ON (albeit for a fee), my answer is
"Yes Sir & Madam & Thank You!" This brings up a really interesting topic. Mr. Rice was there to demonstrate against health care reform, right? So did he not have his finger sewn back on because....eh....maybe he doesn't have health insurance? Or it was too expensive? Maybe he was just afraid of being known as "digitally enhanced."

Note to Mr. Rice: It's not too late to change teams. There is no "trade deadline" and nobody will hold a grudge if you switch to the other side. In case you're not sure who that is exactly, we go under a single name. We don't have a city or nation in the title, like New York Jets or Manchester United or Team Korea. Nope, it's much simpler. We call ourselves Humanity.

Now that you've read my slam-for-the-day, you might think it's only Americans that have lost their minds. Au contraire, Mon Amie! Le French are just as, how-you-say, Fou and Folle cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. There are two neighboring suburbs of Paris, whose feuding mayors have each taken a bull-headed stance against the other. They have caused traffic chaos, by each declaring the same street as a one-way thoroughfare. How can that be a problem? The mayor of Levallois-Perret decided the street brought too much traffic through his town, so he made it a one-way road, sending cars EASTBOUND into neighboring Clichy-la-Garenne, whose mayor responded by declaring his section of the street one-way WESTBOUND back towards Levallois-Perret. The result has drivers unable to go left, right, or straight as they try to get around both towns. VIVE LA DIFFERENCE! At least nobody had their fingers bitten off. Yet.

Hey bargain shoppers! If you're thinking Europe is over and done with for 2009, you might be missing out on some last-minute savings. Especially if you have enough frequent flier miles to get there. The "shoulder" and "offseason" cruises in September and October are not completely full. In fact, some lines are offering Senior Discounts or Resident Rates (from specific states where they're trying to increase their business share). Some of these rates are hundreds of dollars per person below the standard pricing, as they're trying to fill up the remaining cabins on board. Just this week, I had someone whose Cabo San Lucas honeymoon was interrupted by Hurricane Jimena, and we were able to re-book them on a Greek Islands cruise with Royal Caribbean. Even though they didn't have any mileage to cash in, the cruise line was able to still get air for them, and off they go. That could be YOU! If you're getting the itch to travel, scratch it by calling The Cap'n. Go on now. Pick up the phone....I'm waiting....

Snatching De Feet From The Jaws Of.......Jaws

Bum. Bum-bum. Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum! Anyone who remembers seeing "Jaws" in the movie theater hears that theme music in his or her head, whenever the water gets above waist deep in the ocean. So imagine what it was like for a Carnival passenger, who went missing overboard last night. Out there, bobbing along, totally alone with the thoughts and music inside his head, praying not to see a fin in the water. If that were me, I'd have simply died of fright - which is tough for an old seafarer like me to admit, but dang it I don't like being anybody's DINNER! Suddenly, though, a different song popped into his head. Give it to me, Elvis:

"That's The Wonder - The Wonder Of YOOOOUUUU!"

Remarkably, the overboard passenger was found alive today, by the Disney Wonder, roughly 17 miles out from Port Canaveral, Florida. Initially the floater wasn't seen, but his screams were heard from onboard the Disney ship. The Captain came on the intercom, and asked everyone to BE QUIET, so his crew could try to pinpoint the location. Shortly thereafter, he was rescued safe and sound. Carnival had reported the 34-year old man had jumped from a balcony, as witnessed by multiple people, but the ship's efforts to locate him failed last night. Witnesses said he had been arguing with a woman on board, and he threatened to jump overboard. Being the brain-surgeon type, the woman responded with the only words that seemed appropriate at the time, "Go ahead!" And so it goes.

OK, at this point I'd like to offer some constructive logic, for any of you guys out there who are potential cruisers in the future. Trust The Cap'n's experience here, boys:

1) You're on vacation - try not to get into heated arguments. Save that for home, if you must.

2) Don't ever threaten to jump off a cruise ship, and climb up on the rail

3) If your woman friend says "Go ahead!", you are not legally obligated to do it, in an effort to prove yourself insane or dead.

4) According to Wikipedia, as of yesterday there were approximately 6.782 billion people on Earth, roughly half of whom are non-men. Go gitcha another one. Maybe one with a vocabulary that extends beyond "Go ahead!"

This past week, USAirways raised their checked-baggage fees to match American Airlines. Now, Hawaiian Airlines says it is going to start charging checked-luggage fees on its inter-island flights. What other industry, that is struggling so badly to get people to use their product, continuously penalizes the client for doing so? And a worse penalty all the time, I might add. What's next? Here's a suggestion on what you should check the next time you get on a plane for a short getaway:

YOUR EGO!

Instead of traveling places and feeling like you have to have this many shoes, and this many shirts, and this many pants, here's an idea to beat the system. Stolen directly from the 3 Stooges file (thanks, Boys!). Put on 2 of everything. 3 if they're thin enough. Your carry-on can be an extra couple pairs of shoes, a little deodorant, and off you go! When you get where you're going, peel off some layers and iron them at the hotel. Hit Wal-Mart or Walgreen's and spend $10 in the "trial size" aisle. Done. Laugh out loud at the airlines, who for DECADES simply don't get it. Of course, you'll have to endure those "does he really have 3 shirts on?" looks when you're scooting in and out of the lavatory, but just offer up a big grin like "Yep, and with the money I saved on checked bags, I'll be eating filet mignon tonight while you're having strawberry pie at Denny's."

Remember Ms. "Go ahead!" from the earlier story? Well, believe it or not MEN can also be unpleasant. In fact, a Michigan woman may have recently had the worst first date ever, after her date failed to pay the bill on their date. Ok, that's not the whole story. The woman says the two had met at a local Casino, and she drove them to have dinner at a restaurant near Detroit. After the meal, the man said he had left his wallet in her car and asked for her keys.
As she waited for the man inside, she looked out the window and saw him speeding off in her vehicle! She immediately phoned police, and was able to give them a picture the man had sent her on her phone, which also had his telephone number and the message "call me." Subsequently, this genius was arrested, and he's now facing up to five years in jail.

Hey, nice view. AAAAUUUUUuuuggggggggghhhhhhhh!

Yeah, nice view. AAAAUUUUUUuuggggggghhhhhhhhh!

Chinese workers have covered a giant steel bridge with butter because so many people are using the bridge to commit suicide. Officials said they are "fed up with traffic jams, caused by people who slow down to watch victims leap to their death." In a single month, eight people jumped from the same bridge, with many more threatening to end their lives there. Workers were ordered to spread butter over all of the climbable surfaces, and it appears to be working. Officials say the last few potential jumpers have been caught before they could leap, as they struggled to get footing and make the climb. It's also proven to make the bridge much more enjoyably delicious, for any Chinese whose hobby it is to lick car-carrying structures...