The News was The News? Something was always happening in the world, or seemed to be, and journalists had the integrity to REPORT the story, not DISTORT the story. There were few issues with coloration or bias in news reporting: "Just the facts, Ma'am," and thank you very much. Walter Cronkite and that sort of thing. Today I saw a headline on CNN. Front page. Center Top. "Oil crisis leaves puppies homeless." Now I hate this oil debacle as much as the next guy (unless the next guy is a Senator from Texas), but can we quit playing the heart-string game here CNN? I'm also a big-time animal lover, but I'm more concerned about the people whose lives have been so adversely affected by the spill, that they can't keep food on the table for their families, or a roof over their head, let alone be able to adopt a puppy. C'mon, Media! I prefer mine Media-Well, not Media-Rare or Raw. What's tomorrow's headline gonna be?
"BP spill causing depression among Latvian orphans." There you go! Don't be depressed because you're an orphan, or that you live in Latvia, but because there's a leak in the containment cap half-a-planet away. People in this Country worry about CREATIONISM being taught in schools, but they need to worry more about it playing across the newspapers and TV screens all across the USA. Creation of whatever truth or half-truth seems to sell in America. Ah yes, I remember America. Big place. We all used to be Americans. Not any more. The Media (or TheM for short) have seen to it that blue people hate red people, and all people hate some other people, for reasons no people really understand but are told BY GOSH YOU'D BETTER!! TheM sure do rile things up. TheM used to be called a "circus", and if you ask me that's only partially right because both are filled with clowns. Regardless of who I'm supposed to hate, I've made my decision....I hate TheM!
Customs and Border Protection Officers in Buffalo, New York had a strange case come before them this week. Eugene Todie was crossing back into New York from Canada July 9, and was asked to step inside for further discussion when it was discovered he was using someone else's passport. The investigation also found Mr. Todie is on probation in NY State, and was not supposed to leave the country under any condition. Then one of the Officers noticed Mr. Todie was wearing an ankle bracelet, and questioned him about it. Mr. Todie seemed to get a frog in his throat (sorry, couldn't resist), then replied that a probation officer-friend gave him the bracelet, to wear as a show of support for actress Lindsay Lohan. She too had to wear an ankle monitor for alcohol abuse, and like the suspect she didn't allow something as insignificant as a Court order keep her from traveling outside the US, if she darn-well felt like it. Records show the Buffalo man was on probation for criminal contempt already, and when he appears in federal court July 20th, on charges of misuse of a passport and lying to Homeland Security Officials, he's likely to get significantly more cage-time than the 90-days Ms. Lohan received. Lohan behold, I believe Mr. Todie done found himself a SOUL-mate. "Todie went a-courtin', he did ride!"
A NEW YORK STATE OF MIND:
Speaking of New York, there was an interesting story in the NY Post recently, concerning the Education System in the Empire State. State school officials had promised to crack down on soft-test-grading to end the near-automatic advancement of students who REALLY were unprepared for promotion to the next grade. Personally, I had never heard of the phrase "soft-test-grading" until reading this, but as it turns out there's an even more peculiar name attached to the issue: HOLISTIC RUBRICS. That's apparently some New Age garbage-speak for
"NO CLUE HOW TO REALLY FIX THE PROBLEM." The newspaper found that grading guidelines had been relaxed, so that if you missed a test problem, you could at least get partial credit if you were "close." Among examples cited by the Post, from a 4th-grade math test:
How many inches long is a 2-foot-long skateboard?
Correct Answer: 24
But here's where insanity crept in. Students were given "half-credit" if they answered 48, I guess because both numbers are divisible by 2 and maybe you could multiply twice if you were shooting spitwads while trying to answer or something. Another question:
If you have 35 book boxes, and each contains 10 books, how many books are there in total?
Correct Answer: 350. But you still "earned" half-credit if you answered 150 or 250, because, well, I guess because at least you got the last 2 numbers right. However, if you were foolish enough to put down just 50 as your answer, it was ruled out for half-credit. In the words of a wise school official, "50 is just too far away numerically from being the real right answer."
So by New York school logic, if you had put 450 or 550 as your answer, wouldn't that entitle you to CREDIT-AND-A-HALF?!!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Top 10 Things The World Cup Taught Me
I'm catching some flack for my comments on FUT-ball. Seems it really is the greatest game in the world, like brussel sprouts is the greatest vegetable and roadkill is the greatest source of free protein (and not half-bad with garlic mashed potatoes and a slice of pie). But in fairness, there are some things I learned from the World Cup.
1) Paraguay doesn't mean 2 Guays
2) Nobody does a fist pump or a V (peace sign) for victory. When players get excited, they either rip off their shirts, slide to their knees and cry, or they throw both arms in the air and look around at every human within eyeshot, with a "How can you do this to me?" look on their face. Neither option seems particularly manly. Brandy Chastain has done both and looked WAY better doing it.
3) Unlike the NFL, you never hear anyone chanting "DEE-Fense!" Good Golly Moses, if there's one thing this sport could not possibly handle, it's more defense.
4) Goalies have the hardest job in soccer: staying awake when they only face about a shot an hour. Makes you appreciate what NHL hockey goalies go through, by a mile.
5) Soccer uniforms have somehow found a way to make small men look smaller. We're used to tough-guy colors like silver-and-black of the Oakland Raiders. Steelers' black-and-gold. Yankee Pinstripes. Cool uniforms! I mean, these guys in the World Cup -- how tough can you look wearing pink, puce, lime or fluorescent orange? Those guys looked more like scoops of Italian Gelato than star athletes.
6) People in the stands don't give a rat's you-know-what about the game going on. It's very similar to going to a Carolina Panthers game, actually.
7) Some countries should be combined. Slovenia and Slovakia. Just make them Slovaknia. Paraguay, Uraguay, I'm-aguay, We're-all-aguay. Maybe I was right after all, they should combine the teams and call them 2 Guays (reminiscent of 5 Guays Pizza). Both Koreas should be made to play nice for a change, unite on the field, and if it takes making Kim Jung Il the coach, so be it.
8) When a "free kick" is called, nobody on either team has the slightest idea what to do. They jockey around endlessly, trying to form some kind of Rube Goldberg crooked line, pointing at each other while the goalie screams instructions that nobody listens to, and eventually somebody gets tired of it all and kicks the ball 50 yards out of bounds. FABULOUS!
9) No soccer analyst or commentator has ever, at any point in his life, smiled.
10) Shakespeare wrote "All the world's a stage" and with this being the largest and most visible stage possible, FIFA decided to do a live theatrical version of Plan 9 From Outer Space. Next time this Grand Event rolls around, you can find me tuned in to the Knitting Channel.
Kathy Myers, age 41 of Niles, Michigan recently found herself out of work and uninsured, like too many Americans out there. She had been suffering from an increasingly painful shoulder injury, but had been turned away from the emergency room time after time, because of her uninsured status and the condition itself not being considered life-threatening. At the end of June, and at the end of her rope, Ms. Myers took a gun and shot herself in the shoulder, hoping that would finally get her into the E.R. for treatment. Apparently she could have used some shooting lessons from the NRA, as her self-inflicted gunshot missed all major arteries and bones. She was briefly seen, but again sent home, this time with some bandages and antibacterial ointment, in more excruciating pain than before. Hopefully she won't try severing a limb, as she'd likely get a Monty Python and the Holy Grail response:
"It's only a flesh wound!"
1) Paraguay doesn't mean 2 Guays
2) Nobody does a fist pump or a V (peace sign) for victory. When players get excited, they either rip off their shirts, slide to their knees and cry, or they throw both arms in the air and look around at every human within eyeshot, with a "How can you do this to me?" look on their face. Neither option seems particularly manly. Brandy Chastain has done both and looked WAY better doing it.
3) Unlike the NFL, you never hear anyone chanting "DEE-Fense!" Good Golly Moses, if there's one thing this sport could not possibly handle, it's more defense.
4) Goalies have the hardest job in soccer: staying awake when they only face about a shot an hour. Makes you appreciate what NHL hockey goalies go through, by a mile.
5) Soccer uniforms have somehow found a way to make small men look smaller. We're used to tough-guy colors like silver-and-black of the Oakland Raiders. Steelers' black-and-gold. Yankee Pinstripes. Cool uniforms! I mean, these guys in the World Cup -- how tough can you look wearing pink, puce, lime or fluorescent orange? Those guys looked more like scoops of Italian Gelato than star athletes.
6) People in the stands don't give a rat's you-know-what about the game going on. It's very similar to going to a Carolina Panthers game, actually.
7) Some countries should be combined. Slovenia and Slovakia. Just make them Slovaknia. Paraguay, Uraguay, I'm-aguay, We're-all-aguay. Maybe I was right after all, they should combine the teams and call them 2 Guays (reminiscent of 5 Guays Pizza). Both Koreas should be made to play nice for a change, unite on the field, and if it takes making Kim Jung Il the coach, so be it.
8) When a "free kick" is called, nobody on either team has the slightest idea what to do. They jockey around endlessly, trying to form some kind of Rube Goldberg crooked line, pointing at each other while the goalie screams instructions that nobody listens to, and eventually somebody gets tired of it all and kicks the ball 50 yards out of bounds. FABULOUS!
9) No soccer analyst or commentator has ever, at any point in his life, smiled.
10) Shakespeare wrote "All the world's a stage" and with this being the largest and most visible stage possible, FIFA decided to do a live theatrical version of Plan 9 From Outer Space. Next time this Grand Event rolls around, you can find me tuned in to the Knitting Channel.
Kathy Myers, age 41 of Niles, Michigan recently found herself out of work and uninsured, like too many Americans out there. She had been suffering from an increasingly painful shoulder injury, but had been turned away from the emergency room time after time, because of her uninsured status and the condition itself not being considered life-threatening. At the end of June, and at the end of her rope, Ms. Myers took a gun and shot herself in the shoulder, hoping that would finally get her into the E.R. for treatment. Apparently she could have used some shooting lessons from the NRA, as her self-inflicted gunshot missed all major arteries and bones. She was briefly seen, but again sent home, this time with some bandages and antibacterial ointment, in more excruciating pain than before. Hopefully she won't try severing a limb, as she'd likely get a Monty Python and the Holy Grail response:
"It's only a flesh wound!"
Monday, July 12, 2010
Attention Good People Of The World -- Get A REAL Game!!
Got me again. While I didn't have World Cup Fever, and in fact didn't even break a World Cup Sweat, I did try my best to follow the "action" this time. For the last time. Team USA was hype and hoax, the officiating was worse than the SOAP-OPERA ACTING of the players, and the culmination of it all was the World Cup Final. It was supposed to be the peak of everything good about "Fut-ball", but if you watched the fans in the stands, they weren't excited. They weren't filled with nervous anticipation. They were bored out of their minds, just like those of us at home who watched Le Grande Snooze-Fest, while trying to keep the volume low to avoid those insane vuvuzela sounds. You can take the worst Super Bowl in history, or the lousiest World Series or NBA Finals or virtually any other sport ever, and they'll look like The Wizard Of Oz In Technicolor compared to this horrendous unwatchable non-sport non-event. This is what you wait 4 years for? Zero goals for over 2 hours (over and over again, like so many of the matches). Sorry planet Earth, get a REAL game - this one is pathetic. I've blogged before about how you could "fix" this thing, but the way it stands now there are a few truths to be told.
1) You fooled me once, but I'm done. Forever.
2) Watching fishing on ESPN is more fun and exciting than Fut-ball.
3) You'll find better acting on NBC's "Chuck"
4) Soccer Refs and WWE Wrestling Refs are identical. "You say ONE MORE THING, and I'm gonna...you know...write your name down on this little yellow card, and tell the teacher when she comes back." Maybe it would be more entertaining if one of the players snuck up behind the Ref and hit him over the back of the head with a folding chair, and he could lay there pretending to be unconscious while the game goes on around him. Vince McMahon, where are you when we really need you?
According to an ESPN report, in the midst of the World Cup people may have missed Germany's win over Barbados, in the Woz Challenge Cup. This was an eight-team "polo" tournament, but with a twist. The players were not on horseback, but instead rode Segways. The sport is said to have been created by Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whose team the Silicon Valley Aftershocks competed again this year in Barbados, though in a losing effort. Wozniak told ESPN.com that his own polo skills are fading, but the San Jose Mercury News reported in May that Woz's fearlessness on the Segway seems hardly diminished. He's still one of the more feared competitors, if in fact ANY of the participants can be called "feared." The people of Barbados took things in stride, and when asked about the level of athleticism and the sporting skills of the participants, most enjoyed the motorized polo but described the athletes themselves as "nerdy, pudgy and pale."
After watching soccer, I'll give the Woz Cup a try next time!
1) You fooled me once, but I'm done. Forever.
2) Watching fishing on ESPN is more fun and exciting than Fut-ball.
3) You'll find better acting on NBC's "Chuck"
4) Soccer Refs and WWE Wrestling Refs are identical. "You say ONE MORE THING, and I'm gonna...you know...write your name down on this little yellow card, and tell the teacher when she comes back." Maybe it would be more entertaining if one of the players snuck up behind the Ref and hit him over the back of the head with a folding chair, and he could lay there pretending to be unconscious while the game goes on around him. Vince McMahon, where are you when we really need you?
According to an ESPN report, in the midst of the World Cup people may have missed Germany's win over Barbados, in the Woz Challenge Cup. This was an eight-team "polo" tournament, but with a twist. The players were not on horseback, but instead rode Segways. The sport is said to have been created by Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whose team the Silicon Valley Aftershocks competed again this year in Barbados, though in a losing effort. Wozniak told ESPN.com that his own polo skills are fading, but the San Jose Mercury News reported in May that Woz's fearlessness on the Segway seems hardly diminished. He's still one of the more feared competitors, if in fact ANY of the participants can be called "feared." The people of Barbados took things in stride, and when asked about the level of athleticism and the sporting skills of the participants, most enjoyed the motorized polo but described the athletes themselves as "nerdy, pudgy and pale."
After watching soccer, I'll give the Woz Cup a try next time!
Friday, July 9, 2010
The King James Version
Biblically speaking, last night's decision turned the Cavaliers into a pillar of salt. LeBron James, former pillar of the community, has opted out of Cleveland for one simple reason, and I quote:
"Miami gives LeBron James the best chance to talk about LeBron James in the 3rd person, because most people there don't understand the language anyway."
Sorry big man, Ali you're not. And Elvis was the King. You may take over Miami as Archbishop or Archduke, but right now you're the arch-enemy to a lot of former fans. Your massive talent seems to only be eclipsed by your massive ego. For all the fans you gained last night, you lost a thousand-fold more. The LeBron James Comedy Hour proved to be as unwatchable as 8-hours of Super Bowl lead-in. Redundant, self-serving, and all in the name of stacking the deck (your opinion) against the league. People rooted for Mr. James in the past because he seemed like one of the good guys, but his self-interest in being bigger than the game and bigger than the average beat was pathetic. There's no "I" in Team, but there's no "LBJ" in Team either. Mark it down, the infighting will begin sooner rather than later. I suddenly find myself a huge fan of, eh, EVERY OTHER NBA TEAM! Correct that, I actually hate the NBA but now I have reason to watch if only to see Mr. Big slip from the mountaintop. Somewhere, P.T. Barnum is smiling.
A Canadian film-maker is trying for a new perspective in the movie business, trying to have a REAL eye for his subject matter. Rob Spence lost his right eye when he was 13 years old, in an accident playing with his grandfather's gun. The now 36-year-old Spence had the eye removed in 2005 after years of deterioration, and had a prosthetic inserted. Now he's replaced the prosthetic with a wireless video camera that runs on a tiny 3-volt battery. The camera has a wireless transmitter that allows him to transmit what he is seeing directly to a computer. It's reportedly a weak signal right now, but he's working on a stronger transmitter. Spence says he's hoping to use his camera eye to record "truer" conversations than what would be possible with a handheld camera. The only down-side he's experienced so far is that whenever he goes to speak, only two sentences come out:
"Where is John Connor?" and "I'll be baaaaack!"
"Miami gives LeBron James the best chance to talk about LeBron James in the 3rd person, because most people there don't understand the language anyway."
Sorry big man, Ali you're not. And Elvis was the King. You may take over Miami as Archbishop or Archduke, but right now you're the arch-enemy to a lot of former fans. Your massive talent seems to only be eclipsed by your massive ego. For all the fans you gained last night, you lost a thousand-fold more. The LeBron James Comedy Hour proved to be as unwatchable as 8-hours of Super Bowl lead-in. Redundant, self-serving, and all in the name of stacking the deck (your opinion) against the league. People rooted for Mr. James in the past because he seemed like one of the good guys, but his self-interest in being bigger than the game and bigger than the average beat was pathetic. There's no "I" in Team, but there's no "LBJ" in Team either. Mark it down, the infighting will begin sooner rather than later. I suddenly find myself a huge fan of, eh, EVERY OTHER NBA TEAM! Correct that, I actually hate the NBA but now I have reason to watch if only to see Mr. Big slip from the mountaintop. Somewhere, P.T. Barnum is smiling.
A Canadian film-maker is trying for a new perspective in the movie business, trying to have a REAL eye for his subject matter. Rob Spence lost his right eye when he was 13 years old, in an accident playing with his grandfather's gun. The now 36-year-old Spence had the eye removed in 2005 after years of deterioration, and had a prosthetic inserted. Now he's replaced the prosthetic with a wireless video camera that runs on a tiny 3-volt battery. The camera has a wireless transmitter that allows him to transmit what he is seeing directly to a computer. It's reportedly a weak signal right now, but he's working on a stronger transmitter. Spence says he's hoping to use his camera eye to record "truer" conversations than what would be possible with a handheld camera. The only down-side he's experienced so far is that whenever he goes to speak, only two sentences come out:
"Where is John Connor?" and "I'll be baaaaack!"
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Got Passports? HURRY!
In case you have delayed getting a passport, you're just about to cost yourself a healthy chunk of change - unless you move NOW! Effective Tuesday July 13th, U.S. Passport fees are going up, and in some cases way up. The basic adult passport fee, when combined with the acceptance or processing fee, is going up to $135 for ages 16 and over (1st time passport holders). Renewals are going to $110 for an adult passport, and 1st time minor passports will be $105. Some people who travel a lot need additional pages for visa stamps, and previously the State Department would give you more pages free. BON VOYAGE, free pages! Now they'll still add pages to your passport for you, but there is a processing fee of $82. Talk about a whopping increase! Pessimists look at this and say "Well, I'm not paying it. I'll just stay closer to home where I don't need a passport." Personally, I think that's the wrong way to look at things.
Here's my take:
God created a BIG WORLD, and gave us the ability and resources to see it. One of my favorite sayings is "The world is a huge book. Those who do not travel get to see only one page." How true that is! Even if there are parts of the world that don't interest you, we are fortunate enough to have some great countries very close to us, with wonderful people, great food, sights to see, and the potential to broaden your personal horizons to make you a more complete person. The reason the State Department is raising the passport rates is so they can update anti-counterfeiting technology, and help pay for the expanding role of Homeland Security is allowing ALL OF US to live and travel as safely as humanly possible. Right now, you can still get a passport at the current rates, before the increase. Do it! Every other country in the world requires it, and as advanced as the US has been in some areas, we've been 3rd- or 4th-world when it comes to our own domestic security and background checks. Here's another thought for you pessimists: Even at the new price, $135 for a passport, that is still an unbelievable bargain to be able to travel anywhere you want. An adult passport is good for 10 years - so breaking that down, increasing National Security and allowing you to travel for the next DECADE is only going to cost you $13.50 per year. That's less than $1.13 per month. Are you kidding me? Get an empty coffee can. Instead of buying that Snickers bar at the 7/11 every morning, or if you cut out one Big Mac large combo meal per week, and drop that money into the coffee can, it will pay for itself in no time. We'll all be safer, you'll get to experience things you never dreamed of, and you'll be helping to add to the security of the United States even if only in a small way. Do your part and become a traveler. NOW!
Sponge Bob. Mount Everest. Space Shuttle.
We've all seen those 4-story giant "bouncy slides" at different amusement parks or playgrounds, where kids slide down into a sea of rubber cushions, and often into a sea of other kids. Hygienically, they've got to be a parent's worst nightmare, but kids love 'em! A new one in Switzerland is causing some controversy though. The 40 foot high slide is a replica of the ill-fated luxury liner Titanic, which sank on its maiden voyage in 1912, drowning 1,517 passengers and crew. Pictured on the slide is the crippled liner sinking, with its keel raised high in the air as if it is just about to disappear under the waves. Kids slide down into a bouncy, watery grave. FUN FOR YOU AND YOUR WHOLE DANG FAMILY! Nothing like playing in a graveyard, eh? The slide's owner defends it as a new innovation in slide art. "The Titanic accident happened years ago, and those emotions have been dealt with a long time ago. It's in the past. Now people are just having fun with it." I'm guessing his next project is Captain Quint's boat The Orca, from the movie Jaws. Kids can slide down into the waiting razor-sharp teeth of a Great White Shark, while smiling parents snap a few pics of the wholesome adventure...
Remember as a kid, on the back of comic books there were always ads for novelties, such as garlic-flavored gum, fake vomit, and the ever-popular X-Ray Specs? How many boys ordered those stupid plastic glasses, thinking they could see right through (insert whatever you were trying to see through here)? My guess is it was in the millions. But alas, the Special Spectacles had the visual penetrating power of, eh, 2 plastic lenses and a boy's vivid imagination, and that was about it. WORRY NO MORE, YOUNG MEN! Now you can have the REAL DEAL! At a recent auction, a set of 3 X-rays of Marilyn Monroe's chest and pelvis, taken on a trip to the hospital in 1954, sold for $45,000. The winning bid was 15 times the original estimate, when the memorabilia auction was held at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. No matter how old they get, I guess boys' imaginations are still on a level unmatched by any other species.
Here's my take:
God created a BIG WORLD, and gave us the ability and resources to see it. One of my favorite sayings is "The world is a huge book. Those who do not travel get to see only one page." How true that is! Even if there are parts of the world that don't interest you, we are fortunate enough to have some great countries very close to us, with wonderful people, great food, sights to see, and the potential to broaden your personal horizons to make you a more complete person. The reason the State Department is raising the passport rates is so they can update anti-counterfeiting technology, and help pay for the expanding role of Homeland Security is allowing ALL OF US to live and travel as safely as humanly possible. Right now, you can still get a passport at the current rates, before the increase. Do it! Every other country in the world requires it, and as advanced as the US has been in some areas, we've been 3rd- or 4th-world when it comes to our own domestic security and background checks. Here's another thought for you pessimists: Even at the new price, $135 for a passport, that is still an unbelievable bargain to be able to travel anywhere you want. An adult passport is good for 10 years - so breaking that down, increasing National Security and allowing you to travel for the next DECADE is only going to cost you $13.50 per year. That's less than $1.13 per month. Are you kidding me? Get an empty coffee can. Instead of buying that Snickers bar at the 7/11 every morning, or if you cut out one Big Mac large combo meal per week, and drop that money into the coffee can, it will pay for itself in no time. We'll all be safer, you'll get to experience things you never dreamed of, and you'll be helping to add to the security of the United States even if only in a small way. Do your part and become a traveler. NOW!
Sponge Bob. Mount Everest. Space Shuttle.
We've all seen those 4-story giant "bouncy slides" at different amusement parks or playgrounds, where kids slide down into a sea of rubber cushions, and often into a sea of other kids. Hygienically, they've got to be a parent's worst nightmare, but kids love 'em! A new one in Switzerland is causing some controversy though. The 40 foot high slide is a replica of the ill-fated luxury liner Titanic, which sank on its maiden voyage in 1912, drowning 1,517 passengers and crew. Pictured on the slide is the crippled liner sinking, with its keel raised high in the air as if it is just about to disappear under the waves. Kids slide down into a bouncy, watery grave. FUN FOR YOU AND YOUR WHOLE DANG FAMILY! Nothing like playing in a graveyard, eh? The slide's owner defends it as a new innovation in slide art. "The Titanic accident happened years ago, and those emotions have been dealt with a long time ago. It's in the past. Now people are just having fun with it." I'm guessing his next project is Captain Quint's boat The Orca, from the movie Jaws. Kids can slide down into the waiting razor-sharp teeth of a Great White Shark, while smiling parents snap a few pics of the wholesome adventure...
Remember as a kid, on the back of comic books there were always ads for novelties, such as garlic-flavored gum, fake vomit, and the ever-popular X-Ray Specs? How many boys ordered those stupid plastic glasses, thinking they could see right through (insert whatever you were trying to see through here)? My guess is it was in the millions. But alas, the Special Spectacles had the visual penetrating power of, eh, 2 plastic lenses and a boy's vivid imagination, and that was about it. WORRY NO MORE, YOUNG MEN! Now you can have the REAL DEAL! At a recent auction, a set of 3 X-rays of Marilyn Monroe's chest and pelvis, taken on a trip to the hospital in 1954, sold for $45,000. The winning bid was 15 times the original estimate, when the memorabilia auction was held at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. No matter how old they get, I guess boys' imaginations are still on a level unmatched by any other species.
Friday, June 25, 2010
There's a MOUSE in my house (yeah, we know!)
Some folks are Disneyholics. They visit there, honeymoon there, take their babies there, have family reunions there, all because of the Righteous Rodent his-own self. I'll admit, I've always had a soft spot for theme parks and thrill rides, but for me I can walk away without feeling a "Jones" in my veins. Not some folks. Nothing is enough. CONGRATULATIONS! Disney has something just for you!
It was just announced that Disney World in Orlando is planning to open the Golden Oaks community in 2011. And you can be part of it, for a mere $25,000 down. Is it some kind of hotel? Time Share? Nope - for the Disneyholic it's WAY better. Disney has set aside just under 1,000 acres of land to develop a luxury residential community of some 450 homes INSIDE DISNEY WORLD, which will range from about $1.5 million to $8 million apiece. That's right. Disney World no longer has to be your "home away from home" - it can really be your HOME! The initial design has the homes built to look like a Mediterranean village (minus, well - the Mediterranean). Residents will have a private clubhouse, a full-service spa...treatments not included, of course...concierge service, access to a golf course, and BIG MICE, DUCKS AND DOGS walking around nearby. Pretty much what every American family needs, don't you think? I know it's my dream. Even though this formula might not work for everyone, it should be perfect for rich people whose main goal in life is to see their daughter grow up to be, eh...Cinderalla?
Planet (Hollywood) Of The Apes?
Scientists in Switzerland have completed a study they claim proves that monkeys enjoy doing one of humans' favorite activities. The study, published in a Swiss online scientific journal, looked at the behavior of a 3-year-old male rhesus monkey, using technology to examine the blood flow of the monkey's brain when watching TV. The claim is that the monkey's frontal lobe became very active when watching a video of a circus elephant, giraffe and tiger performing. That activity is similar to what happens when a human baby sees its mother smile. Personally, I think the study is flawed. The monkey should have been made to sit through thousands of "coming up next" promos, an endless stream of Geico commercials, about 20 minutes of Fox News (if he could stomach it), some mixed martial arts and WWE wrestling on "Spike", a few dozen episodes of Dr. Phil, Oprah, South Park, Hell's Kitchen and Antiques Roadshow, and THEN measure his brain scan. If they did that, they'd receive a certain activity pattern, which would roughly translate into "Yow -- and I thought MY species was screwed up!"
A Wisconsin couple who met in Aisle 9 of the Copps Grocery Store in Wautoma last year, decided they would be married there this past week. Marty Czarnecki says he was working in the store's liquor aisle when Denise Irvine came in to buy wine. He said they just "got to talking" and one thing led do another. Ms. Irvine says she doesn't do anything traditional, so she really liked the idea of a grocery-store wedding. Members of the wedding party and invited guests shouted, "cleanup on Aisle 9" after toilet paper streamers flew through the air, over the newlyweds. When asked where the reception would be, the groom smiled and said "3 aisles over, in Bakery...of course."
The most important part of that story should not be overlooked -- they have a LIQUOR AISLE in the grocery stores in Wisconsin! Mable, where's my hat?!
It was just announced that Disney World in Orlando is planning to open the Golden Oaks community in 2011. And you can be part of it, for a mere $25,000 down. Is it some kind of hotel? Time Share? Nope - for the Disneyholic it's WAY better. Disney has set aside just under 1,000 acres of land to develop a luxury residential community of some 450 homes INSIDE DISNEY WORLD, which will range from about $1.5 million to $8 million apiece. That's right. Disney World no longer has to be your "home away from home" - it can really be your HOME! The initial design has the homes built to look like a Mediterranean village (minus, well - the Mediterranean). Residents will have a private clubhouse, a full-service spa...treatments not included, of course...concierge service, access to a golf course, and BIG MICE, DUCKS AND DOGS walking around nearby. Pretty much what every American family needs, don't you think? I know it's my dream. Even though this formula might not work for everyone, it should be perfect for rich people whose main goal in life is to see their daughter grow up to be, eh...Cinderalla?
Planet (Hollywood) Of The Apes?
Scientists in Switzerland have completed a study they claim proves that monkeys enjoy doing one of humans' favorite activities. The study, published in a Swiss online scientific journal, looked at the behavior of a 3-year-old male rhesus monkey, using technology to examine the blood flow of the monkey's brain when watching TV. The claim is that the monkey's frontal lobe became very active when watching a video of a circus elephant, giraffe and tiger performing. That activity is similar to what happens when a human baby sees its mother smile. Personally, I think the study is flawed. The monkey should have been made to sit through thousands of "coming up next" promos, an endless stream of Geico commercials, about 20 minutes of Fox News (if he could stomach it), some mixed martial arts and WWE wrestling on "Spike", a few dozen episodes of Dr. Phil, Oprah, South Park, Hell's Kitchen and Antiques Roadshow, and THEN measure his brain scan. If they did that, they'd receive a certain activity pattern, which would roughly translate into "Yow -- and I thought MY species was screwed up!"
A Wisconsin couple who met in Aisle 9 of the Copps Grocery Store in Wautoma last year, decided they would be married there this past week. Marty Czarnecki says he was working in the store's liquor aisle when Denise Irvine came in to buy wine. He said they just "got to talking" and one thing led do another. Ms. Irvine says she doesn't do anything traditional, so she really liked the idea of a grocery-store wedding. Members of the wedding party and invited guests shouted, "cleanup on Aisle 9" after toilet paper streamers flew through the air, over the newlyweds. When asked where the reception would be, the groom smiled and said "3 aisles over, in Bakery...of course."
The most important part of that story should not be overlooked -- they have a LIQUOR AISLE in the grocery stores in Wisconsin! Mable, where's my hat?!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Excitement That Is Soccer
Everybody's on the edge of their seats this morning, as the powerhouse Team USA tackles the pesky "Remember that time we scored a goal?" Algeria team. Quick: name any Algerian. Ever! Me neither, though that probably says more about our educational system than it does about the fame and fortune of the good people of Algeria. I know I'm supposed to have my face painted red-white-and-blue, and be all energetic, but soccer is its own beast and that beast has a hypnotic eye and a squalid breath that frankly puts me to sleep. The fact that soccer translates to TV with all the excitement of checkers or badminton, doesn't do it any favors either.
So how do you fix soccer? EASY-PEASY! Just let The Guru be in charge of the World Cup, and I'll make it all better and stuff.
Here's what you do: For you non-soccer-aficionados, there is a goalie (keep him or her). There are 2 forwards (keep them, but tell them to quit taking acting lessons from the WWE's Vince McMahon). Now we're getting somewhere. The issue with soccer is you have 4 midfielders and 4 defenders. Too many humans in one place to produce action. If the middle of the field is where you funnel action, the action is clogged with a hairball of players! Time for my Roto-Rooter solution. You emphasize to every player that there is NO LONGER ANY SUCH THING AS A TIE. Is there a tie at Wimbledon? The Super Bowl? The World Series? The Masters? No, because those are SPORTS, and SPORTS DON'T HAVE TIES for Heaven's sake. So again, you tell the players there are not going to be any more ties. If you guys can't settle the tally by the time 90 minutes are up, we're not going to go with that lame "shootout" that's in place. Nope. Ancient history, and it doesn't tell who is the better team at all. It only says who is better (luckier) at doing a point-blank shot. That's all.
Here's the BIG FIX: After 90 minutes, if there is a tie game, each team must remove a midfielder and a defender. 5 minutes are added to the clock. If neither team scores, you remove another midfielder and another defender. Another 5 minute period, and so on. Eventually, it would come down to a goalie and a forward for each team, until somebody scores. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just fixed soccer to the point that an American audience would not only tolerate it, they could get behind it!
You're welcome.
A woman from Portsmouth, England has an unusual way of marking every day of her life, but it's not quite a "Dear Diary" moment. Patti Gaal-Holmes has collected more than 32,000 used tea bags during her life, as a way of documenting her existence. The 44-year-old Gaal-Holmes says, "I adore drinking tea, and I save the teabags as a way of reminding me the differences between one day's experience and another." To save them, she dabs the used bag on some paper and then numbers it, noting who she drank tea with, and anything interesting they talked about. She then dries the bag in the sunshine or on a radiator, before storing it in one of three large suitcases. Patti notes there is a somewhat dusky smell to her apartment, but she finds it quite comforting. Her collecting quest began more than 11 years ago,and some of her used bags have been displayed at a local gallery.
I'm sure Ms. Gaal-Holmes also likes soccer just the way it is, but I say it's time to turn over a new tea leaf. Bag it, Patti.
So how do you fix soccer? EASY-PEASY! Just let The Guru be in charge of the World Cup, and I'll make it all better and stuff.
Here's what you do: For you non-soccer-aficionados, there is a goalie (keep him or her). There are 2 forwards (keep them, but tell them to quit taking acting lessons from the WWE's Vince McMahon). Now we're getting somewhere. The issue with soccer is you have 4 midfielders and 4 defenders. Too many humans in one place to produce action. If the middle of the field is where you funnel action, the action is clogged with a hairball of players! Time for my Roto-Rooter solution. You emphasize to every player that there is NO LONGER ANY SUCH THING AS A TIE. Is there a tie at Wimbledon? The Super Bowl? The World Series? The Masters? No, because those are SPORTS, and SPORTS DON'T HAVE TIES for Heaven's sake. So again, you tell the players there are not going to be any more ties. If you guys can't settle the tally by the time 90 minutes are up, we're not going to go with that lame "shootout" that's in place. Nope. Ancient history, and it doesn't tell who is the better team at all. It only says who is better (luckier) at doing a point-blank shot. That's all.
Here's the BIG FIX: After 90 minutes, if there is a tie game, each team must remove a midfielder and a defender. 5 minutes are added to the clock. If neither team scores, you remove another midfielder and another defender. Another 5 minute period, and so on. Eventually, it would come down to a goalie and a forward for each team, until somebody scores. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just fixed soccer to the point that an American audience would not only tolerate it, they could get behind it!
You're welcome.
A woman from Portsmouth, England has an unusual way of marking every day of her life, but it's not quite a "Dear Diary" moment. Patti Gaal-Holmes has collected more than 32,000 used tea bags during her life, as a way of documenting her existence. The 44-year-old Gaal-Holmes says, "I adore drinking tea, and I save the teabags as a way of reminding me the differences between one day's experience and another." To save them, she dabs the used bag on some paper and then numbers it, noting who she drank tea with, and anything interesting they talked about. She then dries the bag in the sunshine or on a radiator, before storing it in one of three large suitcases. Patti notes there is a somewhat dusky smell to her apartment, but she finds it quite comforting. Her collecting quest began more than 11 years ago,and some of her used bags have been displayed at a local gallery.
I'm sure Ms. Gaal-Holmes also likes soccer just the way it is, but I say it's time to turn over a new tea leaf. Bag it, Patti.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
An Alluring Secret!
No, you haven't just stumbled onto a TMZ link, and you won't find salacious celebrity gossip on The Capn's blog. Sorry to disappoint. I just wanted to mention one of the best-kept travel secrets out there. Last year, Royal Caribbean brought a new mega-ship to market, the gigantic Oasis of the Seas. It was built and billed as "an experience" more than a cruise, and the reviews were loud and raving. Seems just about everyone loved Oasis of the Seas, and even though pricing was substantially higher than their other ships, customers couldn't get in line fast enough, and rates went through the roof. Guess what - they're still there! However, what has not been forefront in the press to this point is that Oasis has a new sister entering service this December, the Allure of the Seas. She's an exact duplicate of Oasis, taking everything great about her and moving it to the next level -- actually improving upon the original from all reports. Here's the rub. Oasis has the name recognition and the advertising history (including "live" appearances on board from some of the top National TV morning shows), to continue to command premium pricing. Yet the Allure is going to be all that and a bag of chips, but currently is pricing hundreds of dollars less than her big brother Oasis on some dates. What that means to you is it's BARGAIN TIME! You can currently book yourself on what will be the newest ship in the world, for much less than a ship that's been out for more than a year. The Allure is coming out the first week of December 2010, but if you want a deal you need to call and book now. I'll be happy to discuss it with you - just email or call me directly.
Prioritize!
PITTSBURGH (AP wire story) - Pittsburgh police are searching for a butterfingered robber, who got away with cigarettes and at least a little bit of money. Police said the man robbed the Uni-Mart in Pittsburgh's Troy Hill section about 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. The man wore a ski mask and ball cap, and pointed a handgun at a clerk who gave him all the money in the register - a total of $66. The man then shouted "Gimme some cigarettes" and the clerk quickly handed him a fistful, which turned out to be 7 packs. Detectives reviewed surveillance video Monday, and said the man was so intent on collecting the smokes he wasn't paying attention to the cash, dropping bills here and there. After he fled the scene, the store clerk and a customer who had been in the store at the time of the robbery picked up the loot that was left behind. $65 worth to be exact. The thief was so intent on getting his cigarettes he had dropped all but $1 of the stolen bounty from the cash drawer. Authorities did not hint at any immediate arrests in the robbery, saying it would be unlikely to track the missing $1 bill as part of a "spending spree". The rest of the evidence against the perpetrator? Well, it's probably gone up in smoke.
I said PRIORITIZE!
Police in Ocala, Florida are searching for a burglar who stole a box of cookies from a discount store. Police said the thief could clearly be seen on-camera taking a box of Oreo Cakesters from the Dollar General store. The cookies have a suggested retail value at $2.50. Surveillance footage shows the man actually breaking a glass door to get into the store, only to take the box of sweet treats and nothing else. According to the Ocala Star-Banner, the same store was targeted by a burglar matching the same description last February. In that incident, he made off with a box of Little Debbie Iced Oatmeal Cakes.
Your Tax Dollars At Work:
Part MMMDCXXXVIII
An attorney in Miami could not visit her client at a South Florida detention center last week, because of the undergarment she was wearing. The attorney said her under-wire bra set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center, and guards would not let the woman in because she would set off the prison alarms. According to The Miami Herald, the attorney did the only thing she could think of, as she had a pressing need to get a deposition for an upcoming court case with her client. She excused herself to the ladies' restroom, where she removed the offending undergarment. She then got back in line for the metal detector to enter the detention center. This time, the super-efficient guards refused to let her inside because of a long-standing directive from prison officials: "All female visitors must be wearing a bra." Apparently her objections were overruled, and she left the facility without ever coming abreast of her client for the deposition.
Prioritize!
PITTSBURGH (AP wire story) - Pittsburgh police are searching for a butterfingered robber, who got away with cigarettes and at least a little bit of money. Police said the man robbed the Uni-Mart in Pittsburgh's Troy Hill section about 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. The man wore a ski mask and ball cap, and pointed a handgun at a clerk who gave him all the money in the register - a total of $66. The man then shouted "Gimme some cigarettes" and the clerk quickly handed him a fistful, which turned out to be 7 packs. Detectives reviewed surveillance video Monday, and said the man was so intent on collecting the smokes he wasn't paying attention to the cash, dropping bills here and there. After he fled the scene, the store clerk and a customer who had been in the store at the time of the robbery picked up the loot that was left behind. $65 worth to be exact. The thief was so intent on getting his cigarettes he had dropped all but $1 of the stolen bounty from the cash drawer. Authorities did not hint at any immediate arrests in the robbery, saying it would be unlikely to track the missing $1 bill as part of a "spending spree". The rest of the evidence against the perpetrator? Well, it's probably gone up in smoke.
I said PRIORITIZE!
Police in Ocala, Florida are searching for a burglar who stole a box of cookies from a discount store. Police said the thief could clearly be seen on-camera taking a box of Oreo Cakesters from the Dollar General store. The cookies have a suggested retail value at $2.50. Surveillance footage shows the man actually breaking a glass door to get into the store, only to take the box of sweet treats and nothing else. According to the Ocala Star-Banner, the same store was targeted by a burglar matching the same description last February. In that incident, he made off with a box of Little Debbie Iced Oatmeal Cakes.
Your Tax Dollars At Work:
Part MMMDCXXXVIII
An attorney in Miami could not visit her client at a South Florida detention center last week, because of the undergarment she was wearing. The attorney said her under-wire bra set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center, and guards would not let the woman in because she would set off the prison alarms. According to The Miami Herald, the attorney did the only thing she could think of, as she had a pressing need to get a deposition for an upcoming court case with her client. She excused herself to the ladies' restroom, where she removed the offending undergarment. She then got back in line for the metal detector to enter the detention center. This time, the super-efficient guards refused to let her inside because of a long-standing directive from prison officials: "All female visitors must be wearing a bra." Apparently her objections were overruled, and she left the facility without ever coming abreast of her client for the deposition.
Monday, June 14, 2010
World Cup Fever? Don't take Ibuprofen!
The World Cup is all abuzz in South Africa. And that seems to be a major hurdle in Americans getting behind this international event. Every time you turn on a "futbol" match, you hear this horrendous buzzing noise that sounds like a swarm of killer bees has invaded your TV. But it's not bees, and it's not really buzzing, it's vuvuzelas. Huh? Vuvuzela may sound like a body part of some sort, but it's actually a super-annoying plastic horn, the equivalent of running a kazoo through a stack of Marshall amplifiers. It would be one thing to blow them for 5 minutes when a goal is scored. Or to voice disapproval over a bad call by the umpire or referee or linesman or whatever you call those guys. No, the apparent purpose of a vuvuzela is to blow it and maintain the loudest, most constant shrill call you can produce, until you either die or someone says "Hey, they turned out the lights.....I think it's time to go home." You want local flavor, this is it. That is, if you want the local flavor to be burned cauliflower soaked in turpentine. Mmm-Mmm Good! ESPN even has their professional sound engineers trying to modify broadcasts by blocking a certain frequency that the vuvuzela produces, but with little or no result. Just like a kazoo, the harder you blow the sound tends to go up or down, not remaining at a constant drone that could be "bleeped" electronically. So as long as this tournament goes on, get used to that bee-like buzz riding squarely between your eyebrows in the center of what's left of your brain. Still, you have to love a sport that pits superpowers like Brazil and Spain against countries the size of a K-Mart and its parking lot, with names no one can pronounce accurately, all in the name of good sport. Over the weekend, I actually gave it the old college try, watching pre-game analysis with some experts in the field who were hyping things up. In particular, they were talking about the ultra-aggressive Argentinian squad built solely on offense, going against the incredibly-gifted athletes of Nigeria. One expert was saying, "These teams are offensive juggernauts, and their potential to fill the net is almost unrivaled during this World Cup.....I fully expect TWO GOALS." That's not 2 apiece, he was saying these guys were so potent at scoring, he expected a TOTAL of 2 goals for the match. The other analyst chimed in, "Yes - there should be fireworks aplenty!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Hey guys - did you know in the NBA Finals they're scoring 50-60 points per quarter? Times 4? Say what you want about athleticism and defense, I'm a huge sports fan, but in a nutshell I can wrap up my World Cup feelings in 4 words: I don't get it. Turns out, the experts were only half right, with the final score being a whopping 1 for Argentina, and 0 (or "nil") for poor Nigeria. Personally, until they figure out a way to increase scoring, or even more importantly stop allowing games to end in a tie which Americans HATE, this sport is doomed to kids on local Saturday morning soccer fields in the USA, and the mini-van Moms that brought them.
Here's my suggestion for increasing scoring, where you wouldn't need some sort of bogus shootout at the end. Just take some players off the field, and allow much more freedom of substitution. If you had about 2-3 fewer players per side (my suggestion is 2), it would dramatically open up the field, making for more 1-on-1 plays and a whole lot more scoring. Then you'd have something. Kind of. You still have to get rid of the guys over-acting like WWE professional wrestlers, every time someone gets within 5 yards of them. Seeing some guy carried off on a stretcher, only to come back into the match a minute later, is not heroic. It's embarrassing. I'll stick with my plain old NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL for now. All you FIFA guys work on it and get back to me.
It was reported this week that a 3-year-old girl from China has reportedly been smoking and drinking ever since she was in a car accident when she was 2. Ya Wen's mother says Ya was knocked down by a speeding van and was taken to a hospital, where she was in a coma for a week. Ya wasn't fully recovered for several months, but one day after returning home, her mother found her secretly smoking cigarettes she had stolen from her father. After talking to Ya about it, she also found out the little girl had been addicted to cigarettes for about a year, and had also begun drinking. "Three glasses of beer is no problem for her," Ya's mom says. Doctors can't tell why Ya had suddenly developed the habits of a late-teenager, but say the head injuries she suffered in the accident may be to blame. No mention was made of either Ya's mother or father being Chinese Parent Of The Year candidates.
NOT at your local Dairy Queen:
Oh those Brits. If it's not big fuzzy hats on the Buckingham Palace guards, it's catastrophic oil spills on our pristine beaches. What can they think of next? This summer across the U.K, there is a new flavor of ice cream being promoted as the next big thing. Fish-and-chips flavored ice cream is coming to a pub near you. The unique flavor involves creamed cod-flavored ice cream coated in a vanilla-and-pepper batter, accompanied with potato ice cream chips made with Maris Piper potatoes. The entire dairy treat is served with salt, vinegar and lemon wedges.
Do these guys know how to party or what? I'm guessing they other traditional flavors such as kidney or tripe were less appetizing than creamed cod. Question: Did the British run out of chocolate or something? Maybe anything sounds good after a dozen warm dark ales on a Saturday night outing with the lads....
Here's my suggestion for increasing scoring, where you wouldn't need some sort of bogus shootout at the end. Just take some players off the field, and allow much more freedom of substitution. If you had about 2-3 fewer players per side (my suggestion is 2), it would dramatically open up the field, making for more 1-on-1 plays and a whole lot more scoring. Then you'd have something. Kind of. You still have to get rid of the guys over-acting like WWE professional wrestlers, every time someone gets within 5 yards of them. Seeing some guy carried off on a stretcher, only to come back into the match a minute later, is not heroic. It's embarrassing. I'll stick with my plain old NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL for now. All you FIFA guys work on it and get back to me.
It was reported this week that a 3-year-old girl from China has reportedly been smoking and drinking ever since she was in a car accident when she was 2. Ya Wen's mother says Ya was knocked down by a speeding van and was taken to a hospital, where she was in a coma for a week. Ya wasn't fully recovered for several months, but one day after returning home, her mother found her secretly smoking cigarettes she had stolen from her father. After talking to Ya about it, she also found out the little girl had been addicted to cigarettes for about a year, and had also begun drinking. "Three glasses of beer is no problem for her," Ya's mom says. Doctors can't tell why Ya had suddenly developed the habits of a late-teenager, but say the head injuries she suffered in the accident may be to blame. No mention was made of either Ya's mother or father being Chinese Parent Of The Year candidates.
NOT at your local Dairy Queen:
Oh those Brits. If it's not big fuzzy hats on the Buckingham Palace guards, it's catastrophic oil spills on our pristine beaches. What can they think of next? This summer across the U.K, there is a new flavor of ice cream being promoted as the next big thing. Fish-and-chips flavored ice cream is coming to a pub near you. The unique flavor involves creamed cod-flavored ice cream coated in a vanilla-and-pepper batter, accompanied with potato ice cream chips made with Maris Piper potatoes. The entire dairy treat is served with salt, vinegar and lemon wedges.
Do these guys know how to party or what? I'm guessing they other traditional flavors such as kidney or tripe were less appetizing than creamed cod. Question: Did the British run out of chocolate or something? Maybe anything sounds good after a dozen warm dark ales on a Saturday night outing with the lads....
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Greece Is The Word
Watching the stock market today, the only words that come to mind are compliments of Hank Hill, "What the Hell?" Insiders who know how these knee-jerk things work probably got rich or richer between 2pm and 4pm today. Panic mode drove the market South by nearly 1,000 points, and within a couple of hours it was 2/3 of the way back to par. All this because Greece can't get its political act together, and the shockwaves cross the Atlantic like a tsunami. Makes me want to swear off Feta Cheese in an effort to say "So there!" Hopefully everybody will unwad their undergarments, and get back to working to make this a better world. Just about everyone alive has witnessed some sort of European political crisis of some sort, whether it's Italy this week or France or Greece the next, and things always have a way of working themselves out. Maybe not without some pain, but days like today are more likely to be buying opportunities than selling. Unless the Earth is coming to an end by around 5pm, when you see stocks like Apple drop 12-15 points, that's a welcome mat to buy more. IPods, IPhones, IPads, and IAnythings are not going away - they're the way of the world, my peeps. Get on that train and ride. Even though stocks are mostly Greek to me, Greece is the word (is the word, is the word) today for making some wise market moves.
After the recent situation in New York's Times Square, the U.S. Gub'Ment has ordered airlines to update their no-fly lists within 2 hours of a new information release. I heard that, and immediately thought "it's about time." Then, after cocking my head to the side like a Labrador Retriever who thinks he just heard a whistle and does that mean dinner or is my owner going to give me a bath, I thought...."wait a darn minute." We're allowing the AIRLINES to check the no-fly lists? The same airlines who are so hurting for money they'll do almost anything to fill seats on their planes? Those airlines? The same ones who have been known for bureaucratic ineptitude that makes the Federal Gub'Ment look like finely-tuned Chinese acrobats? Those airlines? Well, I've never been a proponent of big government in general, but sometimes when it comes to National Security, you have to take the sharp objects away from the parties-most-likely-to-puncture-themselves and stand guard yourself. I'd have no problem if my tax dollars went towards more supervision of flight lists and who's on 'em, as opposed to building monuments or paying farmers NOT to grow Crop A or B. Seriously, airlines can no more police themselves, and in turn YOU AND ME, than they can figure out how to earn a profit in their business without bringing up things like charging money for carry-ons. It's all about cutting corners wtih most of them, and when lives are in the balance, I'm going to cast my vote for a government big enough to accept this kind of challenge.
Remember the Disney movie, "All Dogs Go To Heaven?" Yeah, me neither but SOMEBODY out there must have watched it. In fact, it's apparently inspired the faithful in the small town of Danvers, Massachusetts. Calvary Episcopal Church in Danvers will later this month offer its first Perfect Paws Pet Ministry, aimed at giving area dogs and their owners improved odds at getting into Heaven. The church plans to hold a service for dogs, on the 3rd Sunday every month, complete with communion for their human counterparts and special blessings for Fido and friends. Instead of communion wafers, dogs will get special treats. Church officials have said all well-mannered, leashed dogs are invited. People can pre-submit a prayer on paper, if their pets are sick, or if they require better temperment around other dogs, or if the family pup has become, how you say, deceased. Prayers can also be offered for other types of pets, though emphasis will be on living up to the Canine Commandments. I'm pretty sure #1 is "Thou shalt not leave anything on the carpet....bad doggie" (more or less). Somehow, I'm picturing a French Poodle at a New England Patriots game, with the top of his hair colored to look like a rainbow wig, holding up a sign saying "Jaques 3:13"
Pantyhose Shortage?
Cops in Nebraska are searching for a man who robbed a shop-owner with a knife earlier this week. Apparently the man was desperate - he either couldn't find, or couldn't afford a real bad-guy type mask. Not even the .99cent Halloween type like cheap plastic Sponge Bob. Not even a pair pantyhose, new or used. The thief came into the business right at closing time, wielding a knife wildly, his head completely wrapped in toilet paper except for an eye-hole and a small opening to speak. He probably appeared to be closer to The Unknown Comic than Al Capone at that moment, but he demanded money and was able to escape with an unspecified amount. A police sniffer dog tried to track the suspect, but was only able to discover a trail of toilet paper sheets that eventually ended. Is it just me, or is there some comedy in having a sniffer dog follow a trail of toilet paper? "Sarge, I think he's got something over here - eh, no maybe not. I believe he just discovered where Jake's cows have been meditating after filling up on corn meal...."
After the recent situation in New York's Times Square, the U.S. Gub'Ment has ordered airlines to update their no-fly lists within 2 hours of a new information release. I heard that, and immediately thought "it's about time." Then, after cocking my head to the side like a Labrador Retriever who thinks he just heard a whistle and does that mean dinner or is my owner going to give me a bath, I thought...."wait a darn minute." We're allowing the AIRLINES to check the no-fly lists? The same airlines who are so hurting for money they'll do almost anything to fill seats on their planes? Those airlines? The same ones who have been known for bureaucratic ineptitude that makes the Federal Gub'Ment look like finely-tuned Chinese acrobats? Those airlines? Well, I've never been a proponent of big government in general, but sometimes when it comes to National Security, you have to take the sharp objects away from the parties-most-likely-to-puncture-themselves and stand guard yourself. I'd have no problem if my tax dollars went towards more supervision of flight lists and who's on 'em, as opposed to building monuments or paying farmers NOT to grow Crop A or B. Seriously, airlines can no more police themselves, and in turn YOU AND ME, than they can figure out how to earn a profit in their business without bringing up things like charging money for carry-ons. It's all about cutting corners wtih most of them, and when lives are in the balance, I'm going to cast my vote for a government big enough to accept this kind of challenge.
Remember the Disney movie, "All Dogs Go To Heaven?" Yeah, me neither but SOMEBODY out there must have watched it. In fact, it's apparently inspired the faithful in the small town of Danvers, Massachusetts. Calvary Episcopal Church in Danvers will later this month offer its first Perfect Paws Pet Ministry, aimed at giving area dogs and their owners improved odds at getting into Heaven. The church plans to hold a service for dogs, on the 3rd Sunday every month, complete with communion for their human counterparts and special blessings for Fido and friends. Instead of communion wafers, dogs will get special treats. Church officials have said all well-mannered, leashed dogs are invited. People can pre-submit a prayer on paper, if their pets are sick, or if they require better temperment around other dogs, or if the family pup has become, how you say, deceased. Prayers can also be offered for other types of pets, though emphasis will be on living up to the Canine Commandments. I'm pretty sure #1 is "Thou shalt not leave anything on the carpet....bad doggie" (more or less). Somehow, I'm picturing a French Poodle at a New England Patriots game, with the top of his hair colored to look like a rainbow wig, holding up a sign saying "Jaques 3:13"
Pantyhose Shortage?
Cops in Nebraska are searching for a man who robbed a shop-owner with a knife earlier this week. Apparently the man was desperate - he either couldn't find, or couldn't afford a real bad-guy type mask. Not even the .99cent Halloween type like cheap plastic Sponge Bob. Not even a pair pantyhose, new or used. The thief came into the business right at closing time, wielding a knife wildly, his head completely wrapped in toilet paper except for an eye-hole and a small opening to speak. He probably appeared to be closer to The Unknown Comic than Al Capone at that moment, but he demanded money and was able to escape with an unspecified amount. A police sniffer dog tried to track the suspect, but was only able to discover a trail of toilet paper sheets that eventually ended. Is it just me, or is there some comedy in having a sniffer dog follow a trail of toilet paper? "Sarge, I think he's got something over here - eh, no maybe not. I believe he just discovered where Jake's cows have been meditating after filling up on corn meal...."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
My Name Is Oil...
I know I've been away from my blog for a while, but that's a good thing. Business is UP and I've been too busy to sit down and write my normal drivel - I mean thoughtful prose on travel and the World as I see it. However, today's announcement of impending doom by Princess Cruises got me back in the saddle. Like the debacle of a few years ago, Princess is the first cruise line to institute a new FUEL SUPPLEMENT starting May 10th, for new cruise bookings. They've come up with the magically-delicious formula of $3.85 per person per day. Say what? I know the cost of fuel is eating into cruise line profits, but if you're going to add a supplement, why not make it something easy to remember or explain to people? Something that makes sense like a flat $4.00, or maybe a figure like $3.50 that becomes an even number ($7.00) when you quote double occupancy. $ 3.85 just sounds like something they pulled out of a hat, in an effort to get just a little further under my skin. CONGRATULATIONS - it worked! This on top of Celebrity Cruises' announcement that they are going to have 4 different "drink plan" options on board their ships effective immediately. There will be a soft drink/coffee/juice/water plan clients can purchase, or an upgraded plan that includes name brand flavored waters, energy drinks and smoothies, or another plan that includes some beers, wines and cheaper drinks, and finally the premium plan that includes high-end drinks, beers and wines up to $12 per serving.
Oh goodie. Just a handful of years ago I was on a cruise and purchased the soft drink/juice plan and it was around $26 for the entire 7 night cruise. These new plans start at about $15 per person PER DAY (that's $105 for a 7-night cruise each person), and work their way up to over $56 per person per day for premium levels. That may be fine for the hardest-partying among us, but Joe Average (and his wife Jane) will be tempted to drink more than they ever would back home, in an effort to at least break even....if not get better-than-normal return for their buck on the package. Yes I'm old and yes I'm jaded and yes I can probably drink most of you under the Poop Deck, but when all-inclusive resorts are cutting deep into cruise lines' market share, it strikes me as particularly lousy timing to try to show how LESS inclusive modern cruises are by comparison. It's changing the way I look at the industry as a whole, and is certainly affecting how I make vacation suggestions to clients. As Mr. T would say, "I pity the fuel.....supplement...."
Speaking of oil, and who isn't these days, BP has decided to reclaim the Gulf of Mexico for Great Britain, 1 endangered species at a time. So far, the cruise industry has been unaffected or only slightly so, and it's a bit of a wait-and-see on how it's going to affect the tourism of some of the United States' finest beaches, even though most people don't know how sugar-white the sand is along Alabama and the Florida panhandle. I'm not sure why any jut of land is called a panhandle, particularly when they're large and square or long and jagged. Every handle of a pan I've ever held was smooth and black and usually said "Made In China" on the underside, but I digress. On a serious tone (I always hate to use the word sober, being a man of the drink), future generations of Americans are going to miss things we take for granted, such as fresh water and living creatures, if somebody doesn't get a grip on the influence of Big Oil. Corruption is virtually assumed of Congress and the back-slapping buddy system that's been in place since your Grandpappy's Grandpappy's day. This ain't the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but it's high time (thank you Cheech & Chong) to look at more than filling SUV's with unlimited supplies of a limited, polluting material. Wake up and smell the petroleum, America. It's coming to get you and it's coming fast.
An 82-year-old man from India, Prahlad Jani, claims he has lived for the last 70 years without any food or drink. Jani says he left home when he was seven, and has lived as a wandering holy man, who can live on breath and spiritual life force alone. He claims he is sustained by a goddess who pours an "elixir" through a hole in his palate. Jani is now being studied by Indian military experts, who believe he could teach soldiers or disaster victims how to survive longer without food or drink. One spokesman said, "If Jani's claims are verified, it will truly be a breakthrough in medical science." Another unnamed spokesman said, "The guy weighs 3/4 of an ounce - I thought he was a talking piece of dust. If his claims are verified, he must be famished!" Jani was last seen carrying a half-dozen pizza boxes down an alley, to which he said "No, no, these are empties. I'm just helping my friend clean his porch...."
Oh goodie. Just a handful of years ago I was on a cruise and purchased the soft drink/juice plan and it was around $26 for the entire 7 night cruise. These new plans start at about $15 per person PER DAY (that's $105 for a 7-night cruise each person), and work their way up to over $56 per person per day for premium levels. That may be fine for the hardest-partying among us, but Joe Average (and his wife Jane) will be tempted to drink more than they ever would back home, in an effort to at least break even....if not get better-than-normal return for their buck on the package. Yes I'm old and yes I'm jaded and yes I can probably drink most of you under the Poop Deck, but when all-inclusive resorts are cutting deep into cruise lines' market share, it strikes me as particularly lousy timing to try to show how LESS inclusive modern cruises are by comparison. It's changing the way I look at the industry as a whole, and is certainly affecting how I make vacation suggestions to clients. As Mr. T would say, "I pity the fuel.....supplement...."
Speaking of oil, and who isn't these days, BP has decided to reclaim the Gulf of Mexico for Great Britain, 1 endangered species at a time. So far, the cruise industry has been unaffected or only slightly so, and it's a bit of a wait-and-see on how it's going to affect the tourism of some of the United States' finest beaches, even though most people don't know how sugar-white the sand is along Alabama and the Florida panhandle. I'm not sure why any jut of land is called a panhandle, particularly when they're large and square or long and jagged. Every handle of a pan I've ever held was smooth and black and usually said "Made In China" on the underside, but I digress. On a serious tone (I always hate to use the word sober, being a man of the drink), future generations of Americans are going to miss things we take for granted, such as fresh water and living creatures, if somebody doesn't get a grip on the influence of Big Oil. Corruption is virtually assumed of Congress and the back-slapping buddy system that's been in place since your Grandpappy's Grandpappy's day. This ain't the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but it's high time (thank you Cheech & Chong) to look at more than filling SUV's with unlimited supplies of a limited, polluting material. Wake up and smell the petroleum, America. It's coming to get you and it's coming fast.
An 82-year-old man from India, Prahlad Jani, claims he has lived for the last 70 years without any food or drink. Jani says he left home when he was seven, and has lived as a wandering holy man, who can live on breath and spiritual life force alone. He claims he is sustained by a goddess who pours an "elixir" through a hole in his palate. Jani is now being studied by Indian military experts, who believe he could teach soldiers or disaster victims how to survive longer without food or drink. One spokesman said, "If Jani's claims are verified, it will truly be a breakthrough in medical science." Another unnamed spokesman said, "The guy weighs 3/4 of an ounce - I thought he was a talking piece of dust. If his claims are verified, he must be famished!" Jani was last seen carrying a half-dozen pizza boxes down an alley, to which he said "No, no, these are empties. I'm just helping my friend clean his porch...."
Friday, March 12, 2010
Going Up? Why, YES!
Sorry I haven't posted for a while, but the first quarter of the year is like the Super Bowl in the travel business. It's just been too busy, and in fact the business has been coming in at unprecedented levels. Yes, I know there's still unemployment and issues and all that jazz, but Americans are SICK AND TIRED of staying home! Now that the stock market has recovered from its lows of the past year or two, people are on the move. And so is the price of oil, coming back up into the $80+ dollar-a-barrel level in the last few days. I think the cruise lines learned a valuable lesson a couple of years ago, with the debacle of adding a fuel supplement, then adjusting it, then having to remove it, etc. What an insane dance that was! But when fuel cost, which is one of their biggest expenses, hits these levels they can't just sit back and watch their bottom line erode. For that reason, virtually all the cruise lines are raising their rates across the board, and some have even set specific dates! Carnival is the earliest, with a March 22nd deadline before the increase. If you book between now and March 19th, you can still enjoy their best Summer prices, but if you wait through the weekend and call on Monday, expect prices to go up at least 5%. That's every category, every ship and every itinerary for Summer 2010 sailings on Carnival! Norwegian cruise line is raising rates even further, an estimated 7%, while some premium lines are saying it will be up to 10%. That may not sound like a huge hit, but for a family of 4 that can add up to hundreds of dollars just because you procrastinated! Our advice is to pick up the phone and call NOW for your best Summer pricing. People who say "I'll just wait until they have open cabins at the end and have to give it away." There is a term for that kind of thinking: MYTHOLOGY. Forget what you hear on the news about the economy, people are traveling and these ships are all going out 100% full, and they're selling out way in advance. If you wait, you'll either pay more or be staying home cutting the grass. End of story. Don't be Mr. Smart Guy who outwits the system. This isn't Survivor, where you can outwit or outlast the cruise lines. They're bigger than you. They have highly-paid teams who set price points at levels where they know they are going to sell out, and last-minute cheap availability during the Summer simply doesn't exist. Supply and Demand 101. Once schools let out, families, teachers, professors, school administrators and staff ALL OVER THE COUNTRY are now free to travel. The supply is finite, not infinite, and demand is 5-10 times normal. That's the math. So grab that phone and call me today!
Catholics. Protestants. Jews. Muslims. Buddhists. I thought I had heard of just about all religions at some point, but according to Miami Police, there's a new show in town. Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion (not identified by name) said they were told to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail. Federal authorities raided the Miami man's home, after receiving complaints that many people were violently sickened. The man has not been criminally charged, but prosecutors and State and Federal wildlife agencies are investigating. The Giant African Snail is prohibited in the U.S. without special approval since experts said it devastates new ecosystems. The snail can grow up to 10 inches long, can reproduce on its own and even can even eat plaster. The unidentified "priest" said he meant no harm, and his religion uses the snails in healing ceremonies. His followers say besides getting violently ill, they lost weight and developed strange lumps in their stomachs. Here are my questions: Who on EARTH is following this guy? And why? Isn't it easier to become a devotee of American Idol or something, where you're not having to ingest snail mucus, or at least it's optional if you disagree with Simon? Who knew snails have noses and sinus congestion in the first place? I guess when they get congested they have to go to a snail specialist. I can just picture the Doctor now, reaching under the slug and saying "Cough."
If You MUST Commit A Crime, Plan Better!
Authorities in Riverside County California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market earlier this week. The Sheriff's Department's spokesperson says the woman was armed with a semi-automatic pistol, when she arrived at the La Chicanita Market, in the town of Thermal on Tuesday afternoon. Deputy Herlinda Valenzuela says the woman confronted 10 customers in the store, and also demanded money from a person who was entering the market just as she was leaving. No one was injured in the brazen robbery, but authorities added up the combined take from the 11 customers, and concluded the suspect got away with just over $6.
NY Cheese? Yeah, I'll stick with Wisconsin....
The New York Post has recently run a story about a chef and his wife, who are using her breast milk to make cheese, while answering criticism that the human dairy product is unsafe. Lori Mason said, "I eat healthier than your average cow, and I'm not pumped full of steroids!" Mason co-owns Klee Brasserie in New York with her chef husband, Daniel Angerer. While the cheese is not technically against any current health codes, City officials have advised diners to take a pass on general ethical reasons. Several curious people showed up at the couple's restaurant after the story ran, just to try a sample. A New York City cheese shop owner gave his own review: "It was slippery, slightly crunchy and tasted like pickles." Mmmmmm. Can I get that on a burger to go please? Sounds titillating!
Catholics. Protestants. Jews. Muslims. Buddhists. I thought I had heard of just about all religions at some point, but according to Miami Police, there's a new show in town. Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion (not identified by name) said they were told to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail. Federal authorities raided the Miami man's home, after receiving complaints that many people were violently sickened. The man has not been criminally charged, but prosecutors and State and Federal wildlife agencies are investigating. The Giant African Snail is prohibited in the U.S. without special approval since experts said it devastates new ecosystems. The snail can grow up to 10 inches long, can reproduce on its own and even can even eat plaster. The unidentified "priest" said he meant no harm, and his religion uses the snails in healing ceremonies. His followers say besides getting violently ill, they lost weight and developed strange lumps in their stomachs. Here are my questions: Who on EARTH is following this guy? And why? Isn't it easier to become a devotee of American Idol or something, where you're not having to ingest snail mucus, or at least it's optional if you disagree with Simon? Who knew snails have noses and sinus congestion in the first place? I guess when they get congested they have to go to a snail specialist. I can just picture the Doctor now, reaching under the slug and saying "Cough."
If You MUST Commit A Crime, Plan Better!
Authorities in Riverside County California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market earlier this week. The Sheriff's Department's spokesperson says the woman was armed with a semi-automatic pistol, when she arrived at the La Chicanita Market, in the town of Thermal on Tuesday afternoon. Deputy Herlinda Valenzuela says the woman confronted 10 customers in the store, and also demanded money from a person who was entering the market just as she was leaving. No one was injured in the brazen robbery, but authorities added up the combined take from the 11 customers, and concluded the suspect got away with just over $6.
NY Cheese? Yeah, I'll stick with Wisconsin....
The New York Post has recently run a story about a chef and his wife, who are using her breast milk to make cheese, while answering criticism that the human dairy product is unsafe. Lori Mason said, "I eat healthier than your average cow, and I'm not pumped full of steroids!" Mason co-owns Klee Brasserie in New York with her chef husband, Daniel Angerer. While the cheese is not technically against any current health codes, City officials have advised diners to take a pass on general ethical reasons. Several curious people showed up at the couple's restaurant after the story ran, just to try a sample. A New York City cheese shop owner gave his own review: "It was slippery, slightly crunchy and tasted like pickles." Mmmmmm. Can I get that on a burger to go please? Sounds titillating!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
A Fascination With Balconies
People who like to cruise seem to have a "thing" for having their own private verandah. It's their little patch of fresh air, stepping out of their cabin enclosure, through the floor-to-ceiling sliding glass window/door, to watch the world go by. Ahhhhhh! It's their personal seat in the lap of luxury. While some people say you don't spend enough time in your cabin to warrant paying extra for a balcony cabin, you can bet that 90+% of those folks have never had a balcony and are only speaking from envy or ignorance. Cruise ship cabins are always dramatically smaller than hotel rooms, and even with a porthole or window those 4 walls tend to become claustrophobic. Plus just like on an airplane, you are breathing somewhat recycled air throughout your cruise. Not so if you have a verandah! Grand views. Fresh air. The freedom to break out from that closed-in feeling some people experience.
In the olden days, shipmakers built entire vessels with just interior or ocean view rooms. Years later, they added balconies in the suite categories, but since there were so few of those type cabins on board, people paid a dramatic premium to travel in them. Sometimes double or even triple a normal cabin rate. Then a light bulb went off. The designers realized they didn't have to make larger, more opulent cabins and suites as the only way to have this extra perk. They started designing ships with 30% balconies. Then 40%. Now there are ships that are 100% balconies. By eliminating many or most of the standard oceanview rooms and replacing them with same-sized cabins that have private balconies, the cruise lines have made their ships more desirable. And in many cases, without raising the rates more than a couple of hundred dollars.
Carnival, the world's most popular cruise line, has a new answer to this fascination with balconies. They now have the Fascination, with balconies! Their ship Carnival Fascination was a carbon-copy of the ultra-popular Fantasy class of ships, originally built only with balconies in the suite categories. But she has just come out of dry-dock, completely refurbished and now with almost 100 new balconies for sale. The ship also has a new Serenity adults-only area, upgraded pools and water park activities, and much more. Carnival Fascination sails roundtrip from Jacksonville Florida, doing a series of 4-night and 5-night cruises to the Bahamas, all within easy driving range of the Carolinas and other Southern states. If you've never experienced a balcony stateroom, this is a great inexpensive entry-level way to try it. I've always got discount rates available on Carnival Fascination, so call me and let's get you on board today!
You've heard of Senior Citizen discounts? Military or Police or Firefighter specials? How about Mexican hairless?! According to a KOTV report in Tulsa, Oklahoma the "Arizona Mexican Restaurant" decided to take discounts to a new level. Every Tuesday at the Arizona, men with dramatically-receding hairlines now get 10% off. Men who have progressed further, with just a few tufts and wafts of plumage on their noggins get 20% off. And for those complete Chrome Domes, it's 30% off every Tuesday. The owners of the restaurant were looking for a way to increase business on what's normally an off-night, and hit on the idea by accident. But is has proven to be a big success. What's next, I wonder? Muscle-Man Mondays? Wide-Load Wednesdays? The possibilities are endless.
A British woman opening a box of eggs was left shell-shocked, after beating odds of more than a trillion-to-one by finding six double-yolked eggs in the same half-dozen carton. An egg expert says the odds of getting just 1 double-yolked egg in a half dozen box is about 1/1,000. So the chances of getting all six with double-yolks is more than 1/1,000,000,000,000,000. The same expert says that double-yolk eggs are more common among younger hens, so all the eggs probably came from one location. The "Octo-Hen," as the chicken is being dubbed, is now in great demand for American morning TV shows. Rumors say the Enquirer is trying to get a photospread of the Egg-Bearing-Mama in a red swimsuit for their next cover, touting the "Miracle Diet of Grains, Corn Husks, Bits Of Fruit and Small Insects."
Another story from not-so-Great Britain: Remember when you were a student? Money was always tight, and you had to be careful not to overspend and accidentally short your bank account? Imagine the surprise of a UK college student, when he went on line to check his statement, only to find out he was over-drawn. By $161-billion British Pounds! His account, which rarely had more than $50 British Pounds in it, showed 2 separate withdrawals of roughly $80 billion each. The bank has admitted it was an internal technical error to blame, and has offered the student $40 Pounds in compensation for the phone calls, time and efforts he had to make to resolve the error. The student however is hoping for significantly more, because of all the stress and mental hardship he was put under. At least, that's what his attorney says. Plus all that stress and mental cruelty is a great excuse for getting out of that stinkin' Chemistry exam on Friday....
In the olden days, shipmakers built entire vessels with just interior or ocean view rooms. Years later, they added balconies in the suite categories, but since there were so few of those type cabins on board, people paid a dramatic premium to travel in them. Sometimes double or even triple a normal cabin rate. Then a light bulb went off. The designers realized they didn't have to make larger, more opulent cabins and suites as the only way to have this extra perk. They started designing ships with 30% balconies. Then 40%. Now there are ships that are 100% balconies. By eliminating many or most of the standard oceanview rooms and replacing them with same-sized cabins that have private balconies, the cruise lines have made their ships more desirable. And in many cases, without raising the rates more than a couple of hundred dollars.
Carnival, the world's most popular cruise line, has a new answer to this fascination with balconies. They now have the Fascination, with balconies! Their ship Carnival Fascination was a carbon-copy of the ultra-popular Fantasy class of ships, originally built only with balconies in the suite categories. But she has just come out of dry-dock, completely refurbished and now with almost 100 new balconies for sale. The ship also has a new Serenity adults-only area, upgraded pools and water park activities, and much more. Carnival Fascination sails roundtrip from Jacksonville Florida, doing a series of 4-night and 5-night cruises to the Bahamas, all within easy driving range of the Carolinas and other Southern states. If you've never experienced a balcony stateroom, this is a great inexpensive entry-level way to try it. I've always got discount rates available on Carnival Fascination, so call me and let's get you on board today!
You've heard of Senior Citizen discounts? Military or Police or Firefighter specials? How about Mexican hairless?! According to a KOTV report in Tulsa, Oklahoma the "Arizona Mexican Restaurant" decided to take discounts to a new level. Every Tuesday at the Arizona, men with dramatically-receding hairlines now get 10% off. Men who have progressed further, with just a few tufts and wafts of plumage on their noggins get 20% off. And for those complete Chrome Domes, it's 30% off every Tuesday. The owners of the restaurant were looking for a way to increase business on what's normally an off-night, and hit on the idea by accident. But is has proven to be a big success. What's next, I wonder? Muscle-Man Mondays? Wide-Load Wednesdays? The possibilities are endless.
A British woman opening a box of eggs was left shell-shocked, after beating odds of more than a trillion-to-one by finding six double-yolked eggs in the same half-dozen carton. An egg expert says the odds of getting just 1 double-yolked egg in a half dozen box is about 1/1,000. So the chances of getting all six with double-yolks is more than 1/1,000,000,000,000,000. The same expert says that double-yolk eggs are more common among younger hens, so all the eggs probably came from one location. The "Octo-Hen," as the chicken is being dubbed, is now in great demand for American morning TV shows. Rumors say the Enquirer is trying to get a photospread of the Egg-Bearing-Mama in a red swimsuit for their next cover, touting the "Miracle Diet of Grains, Corn Husks, Bits Of Fruit and Small Insects."
Another story from not-so-Great Britain: Remember when you were a student? Money was always tight, and you had to be careful not to overspend and accidentally short your bank account? Imagine the surprise of a UK college student, when he went on line to check his statement, only to find out he was over-drawn. By $161-billion British Pounds! His account, which rarely had more than $50 British Pounds in it, showed 2 separate withdrawals of roughly $80 billion each. The bank has admitted it was an internal technical error to blame, and has offered the student $40 Pounds in compensation for the phone calls, time and efforts he had to make to resolve the error. The student however is hoping for significantly more, because of all the stress and mental hardship he was put under. At least, that's what his attorney says. Plus all that stress and mental cruelty is a great excuse for getting out of that stinkin' Chemistry exam on Friday....
Monday, February 1, 2010
Grammy Can You Hear Me?
I remember The Grammys. It used to be a show rewarding excellence in various musical fields. Then one day, not sure exactly when, it became a Homecoming Queen pageant. Popularity contest. And with the advent of terms like "cross-over artist" it now allows a single artist to win multiple categories, whether or not they were the best representation of that genre. I can't even bring myself to watch it these days, as you know up-front who's taking home the hardware and who will lip-sync their way through a production number that would make Vegas say "too extravagent!" This year, it was the Beyonce/Taylor Swift show. Starring Jennifer Lopez as Beyonce, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt as Taylor Swift. Last night's theme? 1 Grammy for each hand, a couple under each arm, 1 or 2 in your purse, and use your imagination after that. This was not a celebration of music and its diversity. It was a celebration of Beyonce, Taylor Swift and the power and influence of their record labels and the watering down of American taste. How else do you explain the likes of Lady Gaga? Ever?
I didn't want to waste an entire day searching for the birth of this Homecoming Queen syndrome, but at random I pulled up 1987. Big Hair Sunday I think it was. People laugh at the 80's (and rightfully so), but music was still music, holding on for dear life against the onslaught of worthlessness. The first thing that hit me was the fantastic diversity compared to what we have today! Take a look at this list:
Album of the Year...............Graceland (Paul Simon)
Record of the Year..............Higher Love (Steve Winwood)
Song of the Year..................That's What Friends Are For
New Artist of the Year.......Bruce Hornsby and The Range
Best Pop Vocal.....................The Broadway Album (Barbara Streisand)
Best R&B Vocal....................Rapture (Anita Baker)
Best R&B (male)..................Living In America (James Brown)
Best R&B Group..................Prince and The Revolution
Best Country Vocal..............Whoever's In New England (Reba McEntire)
Best Country (male)............Lost In The 50's Tonight (Ronnie Milsap)
Best Country Group............Grandpa (The Judds)
Best Rock Vocal....................Back Where You Started (Tina Turner)
Best Rock (male)..................Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer)
Best Rock Group..................Missionary Man (Eurythmics)
Pretty easy to see the difference between 1987 and the dog-and-pony-ballet they put on last night? Back in the day, everyone was rewarded for excellence in their style. Now it's all about....eh....nothing. Politics. Influence. Don't get me wrong, Beyonce is very talented, as is Taylor Swift. But at what point did these 2 ladies take over all music known to Mankind? It kind of makes watching The Grammys about a half-notch more palatable than watching C-SPAN when the cameras are focused on people sleeping in the Senate chamber (which would be virtually any day of the week, or so I'm told). So what's my solution? WARNING! WARNING! I DON'T HAVE ONE! The American public created this monster, and it'll never change until they wake up and realize that breakfast is a whole lot better with bacon, blueberry pancakes, crispy hash-browns and fresh-squeezed OJ to go with your eggs, than a breakfast of eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, and a hard-boiled egg thrown in for texture. I can hear the Vikings of Monty Python...."Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, glorious SPAAAAAM!!"
This morning while looking over hot travel destinations, I came across an article telling people to head to Arlington, Texas. That's a suburb of Dallas, where baseball's Texas Rangers play. Nice town. Pretty clean overall. But it's the new tourist attraction that's rattling the chains, begging you to come to Arlington. New Dallas Cowboys stadium? That's nice too, but no. Some kind of Six Flags attraction? Already have one. And it's in Arlington. But you're close! It's actually right outside of Six Flags. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Texas's own: BOWLING MUSEUM! Some of the astute among you, particularly the bowlers, might be saying "Hey wait a doggone minute, Cap'n -- the Bowling Museum is in St. Louis!" Well, not any more. It was SO popular, they closed it down. Moved it to Arlington. I'm sure it's fascinating to see how bowling goes back 5,000 years to when people enjoyed knocking things over with other things. But that's not why people would go to the Bowling Museum, now is it? Nope. They'll go because they want to see Don Weber's shirt, or Earl Anthony's ball-bag. They want to see video of the heyday of bowling. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Wiggling 1o-pin....ooooooohhhh, IT FELL! Strike! OK, you get the picture. Unlike the Pro Football Hall of Fame, where you can see video of the greats of yester'year breaking tackles, and hitting and throwing and catching and tackling and what-all-else, in bowling it's Strikes. Lots of 'em. You didn't drive all the way to Arlington with the kids in the back crying to see Spares did you? Or Washouts? Or Witch's Teeth? No, you came to see Strikes a-plenty. Though if admission is more than a buck apiece you're probably over-paying for this thrill ride. Must have been a slow news day on CNN for this to be a story in the first place. Then again, it's what I thrive on!
You know how some folks always have excuses for their misery? Case in point, one John Stephens from Floyd County, Indiana. Mr. Stephens is an ex-con, who appeared before a parole Judge in December, saying he had a full-time job and intended to turn his life around. However, within the week he slipped-up and tried unsuccessfully to rob the local "Your Community Bank." His excuse to the Judge, when brought back before him? "If I hadn't been watching the news all the time, seeing other successful bank robberies," he said, "I wouldn't have been tempted like I was. The dang Media is responsible for this, Your Honor." He went on to say he had been especially impressed by one serial robber, who had made it look easy by vaulting over banks' counters like Batman. The Judge, thankfully, has place Mr. Stephens back in The Hole. Lead us not into temptation....
The best laid plans:
Recently, Leaders of the world and Heads-of-State converged on Copenhagen, Denmark, to conduct a Climate Summit on how we can all live cleaner, greener lives as a Planet community. Great thought, until they put things into action. While Copenhagen is normally one of the "greenest" cities in the world, during the 11-day Climate Summit the city was subjected to an additional 41,000 tons of carbon-dioxide-equivalent being released into the local atmosphere. Some 15,000 delegates and attendees required 2,000 limousines (only five of which were electric or hybrid), and the world's biggest A-Listers arrived and departed in over 140 private jets, some of which had to be moved each night to Sweden, because of the effect on airport congestion. Next time, maybe everybody should meet in New York's Central Park. Ride your bikes in. Bring a sandwich, and don't forget a beach towel big enough for yourself and your entourage. Maybe Beyonce or Taylor Swift will get up and sing you something.
I didn't want to waste an entire day searching for the birth of this Homecoming Queen syndrome, but at random I pulled up 1987. Big Hair Sunday I think it was. People laugh at the 80's (and rightfully so), but music was still music, holding on for dear life against the onslaught of worthlessness. The first thing that hit me was the fantastic diversity compared to what we have today! Take a look at this list:
Album of the Year...............Graceland (Paul Simon)
Record of the Year..............Higher Love (Steve Winwood)
Song of the Year..................That's What Friends Are For
New Artist of the Year.......Bruce Hornsby and The Range
Best Pop Vocal.....................The Broadway Album (Barbara Streisand)
Best R&B Vocal....................Rapture (Anita Baker)
Best R&B (male)..................Living In America (James Brown)
Best R&B Group..................Prince and The Revolution
Best Country Vocal..............Whoever's In New England (Reba McEntire)
Best Country (male)............Lost In The 50's Tonight (Ronnie Milsap)
Best Country Group............Grandpa (The Judds)
Best Rock Vocal....................Back Where You Started (Tina Turner)
Best Rock (male)..................Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer)
Best Rock Group..................Missionary Man (Eurythmics)
Pretty easy to see the difference between 1987 and the dog-and-pony-ballet they put on last night? Back in the day, everyone was rewarded for excellence in their style. Now it's all about....eh....nothing. Politics. Influence. Don't get me wrong, Beyonce is very talented, as is Taylor Swift. But at what point did these 2 ladies take over all music known to Mankind? It kind of makes watching The Grammys about a half-notch more palatable than watching C-SPAN when the cameras are focused on people sleeping in the Senate chamber (which would be virtually any day of the week, or so I'm told). So what's my solution? WARNING! WARNING! I DON'T HAVE ONE! The American public created this monster, and it'll never change until they wake up and realize that breakfast is a whole lot better with bacon, blueberry pancakes, crispy hash-browns and fresh-squeezed OJ to go with your eggs, than a breakfast of eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, and a hard-boiled egg thrown in for texture. I can hear the Vikings of Monty Python...."Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, glorious SPAAAAAM!!"
This morning while looking over hot travel destinations, I came across an article telling people to head to Arlington, Texas. That's a suburb of Dallas, where baseball's Texas Rangers play. Nice town. Pretty clean overall. But it's the new tourist attraction that's rattling the chains, begging you to come to Arlington. New Dallas Cowboys stadium? That's nice too, but no. Some kind of Six Flags attraction? Already have one. And it's in Arlington. But you're close! It's actually right outside of Six Flags. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Texas's own: BOWLING MUSEUM! Some of the astute among you, particularly the bowlers, might be saying "Hey wait a doggone minute, Cap'n -- the Bowling Museum is in St. Louis!" Well, not any more. It was SO popular, they closed it down. Moved it to Arlington. I'm sure it's fascinating to see how bowling goes back 5,000 years to when people enjoyed knocking things over with other things. But that's not why people would go to the Bowling Museum, now is it? Nope. They'll go because they want to see Don Weber's shirt, or Earl Anthony's ball-bag. They want to see video of the heyday of bowling. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Wiggling 1o-pin....ooooooohhhh, IT FELL! Strike! OK, you get the picture. Unlike the Pro Football Hall of Fame, where you can see video of the greats of yester'year breaking tackles, and hitting and throwing and catching and tackling and what-all-else, in bowling it's Strikes. Lots of 'em. You didn't drive all the way to Arlington with the kids in the back crying to see Spares did you? Or Washouts? Or Witch's Teeth? No, you came to see Strikes a-plenty. Though if admission is more than a buck apiece you're probably over-paying for this thrill ride. Must have been a slow news day on CNN for this to be a story in the first place. Then again, it's what I thrive on!
You know how some folks always have excuses for their misery? Case in point, one John Stephens from Floyd County, Indiana. Mr. Stephens is an ex-con, who appeared before a parole Judge in December, saying he had a full-time job and intended to turn his life around. However, within the week he slipped-up and tried unsuccessfully to rob the local "Your Community Bank." His excuse to the Judge, when brought back before him? "If I hadn't been watching the news all the time, seeing other successful bank robberies," he said, "I wouldn't have been tempted like I was. The dang Media is responsible for this, Your Honor." He went on to say he had been especially impressed by one serial robber, who had made it look easy by vaulting over banks' counters like Batman. The Judge, thankfully, has place Mr. Stephens back in The Hole. Lead us not into temptation....
The best laid plans:
Recently, Leaders of the world and Heads-of-State converged on Copenhagen, Denmark, to conduct a Climate Summit on how we can all live cleaner, greener lives as a Planet community. Great thought, until they put things into action. While Copenhagen is normally one of the "greenest" cities in the world, during the 11-day Climate Summit the city was subjected to an additional 41,000 tons of carbon-dioxide-equivalent being released into the local atmosphere. Some 15,000 delegates and attendees required 2,000 limousines (only five of which were electric or hybrid), and the world's biggest A-Listers arrived and departed in over 140 private jets, some of which had to be moved each night to Sweden, because of the effect on airport congestion. Next time, maybe everybody should meet in New York's Central Park. Ride your bikes in. Bring a sandwich, and don't forget a beach towel big enough for yourself and your entourage. Maybe Beyonce or Taylor Swift will get up and sing you something.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Republican? Democrat? NO - I'm an AMERICAN!
Last night, Prez O gave us his State of the Union address. As with all of these addresses, there is a near-constant barrage of unwarranted and unnecessary applause, followed by some people standing and others starting to before saying "to hell with it". It always reminds me of a group of uncoordinated people at a sporting event trying to do The Wave, but failing miserably. I'm pretty confident that if you took all that posturing out, we could get through a State of the Union in about 18 minutes, and still have time to catch the 2nd half of Law & Order SVU. I think they should have a Law & Order SUV, where Elliot and Liv are busting people for texting while driving their Nissan Muranos, but maybe that's just me. Anyway, back to politics. American politics no longer exist. No, you read that correctly. American politics no longer exist. They have been replaced by Republican politics, Democratic politics, Corporate politics and all of them are about as filthy and un-American as any of us ever imagined they could be. Bring back Boss Tweed! (for you younger viewers who think that's a cartoon character, just Google it up like you do everything else). I'm not going to take sides in the debacle that is our existing political system, but I will say it's fallen, and it can't get up. I'm 58 years old, and have never been EMBARRASSED to be an American before, but I've just about reached that point. Whether you like Prez O or not, he hit one thing on the head last night. Every day has become election day in Washington. Alert the Media! Disrespect the other guy's opinion, whether what you're saying is true or not! And for Heaven's sake don't worry about We The People! You've formed your own perfect union, excluding everything and everybody outside the Beltway of D.C. It's absolutely pathetic to see nothing moving forward. Right now, when America needs its Representatives the most, they have become the House Of Horrors and the SayNot Senate. Here's a thought. Why don't we all go to the polls in November, and kick all of them out? EVERY LAST ONE that's up for re-election, regardless of party or affiliation. You're probably thinking, "We can't do that, because that would leave us with a bunch of new people who don't know what they're doing." Possibly true. But which is worse? Someone with high ideals and a creative mind but no experience, or someone who knows exactly what they're doing, and refuses to do it anyway!? Inaction is not a position. Inaction is not politics. Inaction is a desecration of the values and goals the Founding Fathers of the United States set forth for all future generations. Having new people in office literally cannot be worse than re-electing the same jaded cronies, who glad-hand each other over cigars in the back room while America suffers. Here's what these pseudo-Representatives fail to see. Right now, when their kids study History in school, they read about Jefferson. Washington. Lincoln. Governor Robert Moran Jr. and Frances Perkins (Who the heck are those last 2?). My point exactly. Sometimes in our history it's about being the Leader of the free world. Other times, it's about being leaders of free will. It's about being a part of something greater than you and your back-room cigar. It's about the American people and BEING an American yourself. While you might not recognize the names Robert Moran Jr. and Frances Perkins, they helped draft and enact the Social Security Act of 1935. At the time, it was a huge controversy, just like health care is today. Some historians even claim it created a year-long "Roosevelt Recession" in 1937-38. But you know what? Time has answered all critics. Time has proven that the people who crossed party lines to do the right thing were rewarded. Maybe not in fame. Maybe not in extra dollars in their pocket, or bigger and fatter cigars. But they were rewarded by having a thankful American public, then and forever moving forward. We as a culture value older people, and this law made sure they each will have a foundation to live on, after they retire from the workforce. The wrangling and finger-pointing and mock-and-block that is Washington D.C. today is a far cry from the brave people who stepped up in previous generations. Many in the House and Senate are from my generation now. The 60's generation. I'm embarrassed. "C'mon people now, smile on your Brother, everybody get together try to love one another right now." Sort of rings hollow now, doesn't it? Power corrupts. Money corrupts even more if that's possible. So what do you say? Can't we throw 'em all out in November? If it were possible, I'd like to throw 'em all out this week. Start fresh on Monday. IT COULDN'T BE ANY WORSE. Lucky for them I've got neither power nor money, or I'd flash it like Thor's hammer to knock some sense into these Tales-From-The-Crypt-looking windbags.
Afghan Super Bowl?
Afghanistan's national game is called Buzkashi. Afghans are attempting a marketing transformation of their "sport", inspired by pro football's and basketball's growth in the United States, according to a USA Today article. The main hindrance to their marketing strategy is the game itself - buzkashi is often little more than violent anarchy. Here's how it goes down:
A team of 12 men on horseback tries to carry a goat carcass the length of a field, around a goal and back, through an opposing team defense. The "defense" basically includes almost any tactic short of murder. Spectators are often trampled by riders disregarding boundaries, and horses have dropped dead on the field from abuse or fatigue. The head of the Buzkashi Federation said he aims to present the game for consideration to the International Olympic Committee. Wait a minute. Doesn't this game sound familiar? I'm pretty sure Manchester United is the current champion....
Recently, lawyers for the world-famous Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts in New York City threatened litigation against Lincoln County, Mississippi. Seems the Town Council in Lincoln County had changed the name of their Multi-Purpose Facility to "Lincoln Center" and the New York attorneys would have none of it! Court affidavits say they feared "confusion on the part of the general public" between the 2 facilities. The Mult-Purpose venue, located in the town of Brookhaven (population 9,800), is used mostly for livestock shows and family reunions.
Dang - I coulda sworn that theater marquis said famed musician Yo Yo Ma, but all we done got was Yo Mama!
Afghan Super Bowl?
Afghanistan's national game is called Buzkashi. Afghans are attempting a marketing transformation of their "sport", inspired by pro football's and basketball's growth in the United States, according to a USA Today article. The main hindrance to their marketing strategy is the game itself - buzkashi is often little more than violent anarchy. Here's how it goes down:
A team of 12 men on horseback tries to carry a goat carcass the length of a field, around a goal and back, through an opposing team defense. The "defense" basically includes almost any tactic short of murder. Spectators are often trampled by riders disregarding boundaries, and horses have dropped dead on the field from abuse or fatigue. The head of the Buzkashi Federation said he aims to present the game for consideration to the International Olympic Committee. Wait a minute. Doesn't this game sound familiar? I'm pretty sure Manchester United is the current champion....
Recently, lawyers for the world-famous Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts in New York City threatened litigation against Lincoln County, Mississippi. Seems the Town Council in Lincoln County had changed the name of their Multi-Purpose Facility to "Lincoln Center" and the New York attorneys would have none of it! Court affidavits say they feared "confusion on the part of the general public" between the 2 facilities. The Mult-Purpose venue, located in the town of Brookhaven (population 9,800), is used mostly for livestock shows and family reunions.
Dang - I coulda sworn that theater marquis said famed musician Yo Yo Ma, but all we done got was Yo Mama!
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