Royal Caribbean is having its first ever Beatles-theme cruise, on the Independence Of The Seas, March 28th 2010. It's a 6-night Western Caribbean sailing from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I got kind of excited when I read that, thinking how great it would be to rub elbows with at least one of the remaining Beatles.
I figured Ringo. Surely they'll have Ringo Starr on board. Paul is still in too-great demand around the world, but Ringo is kind of the Ed Norton to the other Beatles' Ralph Kramden. (You young-'uns go visit your wikipedia for a minute....we'll wait). But alas, even Ringo is a no-show. It's a Beatle-less Beatles cruise, featuring a tribute band from Chicago called BritBeat. I Googled them, and the reviews say they're really good, kind of like if there was a band called Working Class Tough Guys Who Chew Gum, who sounded a lot like ShaNaNa (back to wikipedia, kiddies!). But since the Beatles literally changed my life the night of their first Ed Sullivan (wikipedia!!!) appearance, I have a very soft place in my heart for the Fab Four. I'll save you the wiki-trip, that was the Beatles' nickname. The night of Feb. 9, 1964 I was sitting in front of the TV with my parents, as an impressionable 12-year old boy with no clue about his future. Suddenly, there were these shaggy-haired guys on the screen playing LOUD, high-energy music, and girls were screaming and crying, wanting ever-so-much to be attached to these dapper lads in their matching suits and pointy-toed boots. You could barely hear the music for the screaming. I looked at my parents, pointed to the TV screen and said, "I know Bill (my brother) is going to M.I.T. to design rockets for NASA (he did), but I want to do THAT for a living!" Of course I got an icy-cold stare from my Mom, but lo-and-behold the next Christmas I got a used Slingerland set of drums from Santa, and my life's path was set.
So back to the cruise. OK, they've got the BritBeat band playing. I'm sure they're going to have some celebrities and Beatles associates on board. Yoko? Is Yoko going to be there? Eh, no. However, May Pang is definitely on the list! Who? May Pang. You know, John Lennon's former girlfriend. Yeah, I don't remember her either but they say she was and since I didn't read Tiger Beat Magazine I'll have to take their word for it. Who else.....hmmmm. OH YEAH! I'm hearing that Nancy Lee Andrews is confirmed! No, not Julie Andrews - she has no connection. Nancy Lee Andrews. You know, Ringo Starr's former fiancee? Yeah, me neither on that one, Tiger Beat Magazine, blah blah blah etc. OK here's one for you - how about Chris O'Dell? You know, the woman who wrote "Miss O'Dell: My Hard Days and Long Nights with the Beatles, the Stones, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, and the Women They Loved"? Or Jorie Gracen, who photographed Paul McCartney? Yeah, I'm right there with you it's a real s-t-r-e-t-c-h to link all these folks as interesting-enough to make for a theme cruise, but it is what it is. My guess is neither May Pang nor Nancy Lee Andrews nor Jorie Green is demanding the 7-figure appearance fee Sir Paul McCartney would have gotten. I'm guessing maybe they're doing this for a free cruise and a few complimentary cocktails on their bar tab. But by golly, if you want the Beatles this is as close as you're gonna get! I'm sure it will be loads of fun, all kidding aside. And there is still plenty of availability for inside, oceanview and even balcony cabins on this sailing! Call me for rates, as I'm sure this will sell out quickly once word spreads.
While we're on the subject of the UK, here's an interesting headline from the London Daily Telegraph, about the attention span of some Brits. In November, the Solihull Council in Britain's West Midlands county ordered a flooring store to remove the festive balloons it had pinned-up in front of their building, in an attempt to attract business. The Council in their ruling called them "hazards." One Councilor explained that "drivers may be distracted by the colors," and another was "concerned that if a balloon came loose, it might possibly float into traffic and lure a child to follow it." We can only assume that every citizen of Solihull England is either a cat, or a human on a strict diet of marijuana brownies.
Not everyone in our own US Homeland is a shining star of intellect, though. In a story from the Springfield Missouri News-Leader, 3 men were recently convicted in Kansas City of having swindled numerous customers, to pay up to $2000 apiece for a 3-inch-by-4-inch laminated card that said "Diplomat." According to court records, the sellers were able to convince the buyers that by being a Diplomat, they would legally free themselves from ever having to pay taxes, or being arrested for any crime. According to the FBI, the ages of the buyers ranged from 19 to 77, and all but 2 were college-educated. I've created some lapel-stickers which I'm headed to Kansas City to sell. They say "Not A Moron", and for only $100 I'll guarantee that no Diplomat Salesmen will accost anyone wearing one. They come in blue, green and mauve.
I can get you ones in Kansas City Chiefs red as well, but special orders have to add $39.95 shipping and handling (allow 6-8 weeks for delivery)...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Lions and Tiger and Bayer - OH MY!
As we're closing out 2009 (THANK GOODNESS!), some things have remained the same, while others have clearly gone a direction no one anticipated. The NFL's Detroit Lions have had the #1 or #2 draft pick for about 287 years in a row, but when the smoke clears there they are, in last place at the bottom of the heap. Another constant has been partisan bickering between Democrats and Republicans and Independents and Whigs and Frontiersmen and Whatever-other-political-association-anybody-might-have. Everyone hates everyone. No matter who you voted for, you were wrong. No matter what you believe, you're wrong. EVERYBODY SING IT WITH ME:
"I'm Proud To Be An American!"
Enough of all this sameness. Let's talk about the surprises of 2009. Golden Child Tiger Woods has been doing his best (or worst) impression of Mickey Rourke. Potentially-almost Vice-President John Edwards goes from having a silver spoon in his mouth, to having it shoved into a completely different place after ruining his reputation and lying to all of us. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took long weekend walks to Argentina. David Letterman proved he has more in common with ex-President Bill Clinton than an affection for cigars. And now, the American Diabetes Association is set to report in January that taking a daily low-dose aspirin has risks that fail to outweigh the benefits to the heart. You know what, though? As much as I admire scientists, I'm starting to get the same feeling as when I listen to the Whigs and Senators and Representatives and Politicos - whatever I choose to do is wrong. Well, Happy Holidays to you too, dang it! While any scientist worth his salt can prove or disprove another, regardless of their level of education or history or location of their academia, I'm gonna do what I do anyway since it seems to work for me! I take my "no burps" Fish Oil every day, because it has stuff in it to make me better than I am without it. Same with my For Him 50+ Multivitamins, because Heaven knows where I'd get Niacin and Zinc without them. I also take B-Complex. Why, you ask?
I'd tell you, but it's too Complex. Hahahahaha! (Notice the self-restraint I used there, instead of saying "...it B2 Complex."?) And finally, I take my Bayer low-dose, enteric-coated aspirin which waits until after it passes through the rigors of my stomach to dissolve. I'm not sure how it knows to do that, but "enteric" must mean "knows where to go in Cap'n Bob's digestive tract." Thank you Bayer! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and so far you haven't killed me. Now if I can only figure a way to get Riboflavin without having to eat all that cereal every morning....
Airport, Scareport!
A USA TODAY review of airport food inspections, including nearly 800 restaurants at 10 major airports in the US, found some pretty amazing statistics. Items such as tuna salad and turkey sandwiches were stored at dangerously warm temperatures. Raw meat was contaminating ready-to-eat foods. Kitchens lacked soap for workers to wash their hands. It seems serious violations are common at the recent inspection points, and that ain't what we need to hear at a time of year that MILLIONS of people are passing through airports. 42% of the 57 restaurants at Seattle-Tacoma Int'l Airport had at least one "critical" violation. So did 77% of Washington's Reagan National's 35 food outlets. Grab-and-go coolers often don't keep sandwiches, salads and yogurt cold enough to stop dangerous pathogens, reports show. There are 76 million cases of food-borne illnesses annually in the U.S., according to estimates from the Center for Disease Control. Most are never traced to the source, and doing so is even harder with airport restaurants because customers scatter immediately. More badness: there were 12 cases in a 4-month period at Atlanta's Hartsfield Int'l Airport, where inspectors found "traces of rodent activity." I don't need to tell you what those traces were. Same for JFK in New York, where 11 citations were issued over an 8-month span for vermin. Bottom line, if your state has posted health inspection ratings in restaurants, they'll also appear at the airport. You may want to scan the walls before ordering, just to be as safe as possible. It makes me wonder how many people have gone on vacation and found themselves with a stomach virus, thinking they caught it in the islands or on a cruise, when the culprit may have been the airport? TIP: you can pick up Purell wipes or other hand-sanitizer cloths to carry with you in airports, helping reduce your germ intake at least a bit. And order something COOKED FRESH to minimize the risk. I know, I know, salads are good for you and meat is bad. Hey - didn't you hear me earlier? I'm taking aspirin. I live on the edge!!
SPENDING YOUR INHERITANCE for Christmas?
Police in Selma Indiana say a fifth-grader decided to "play Santa" last week, handing out money to other students riding on his elementary school bus. The problem is, we're not talking about .50cents or a buck. The un-named juvenile was handing out "approximately $300 per student," after taking nearly $10,000 from his grandparents' safe. Delaware Indiana County Sheriff George Sheridan says the boy was handing out the money on Friday, the last school day before Christmas vacation began. He explained he had wanted to do something nice for everyone, particularly those kids less fortunate than he. Amazingly, some of the children who received the money told their teachers and the principal, and the Sheriff's Department was called. Officers found the boy carrying the remainder of the cash, and both he and the money were returned to his grandparents. The bus driver, who did not receive any cash, asked "What am I - chopped liver?" Bah! Humbug!
DRIVE YOUR BUS!!
"I'm Proud To Be An American!"
Enough of all this sameness. Let's talk about the surprises of 2009. Golden Child Tiger Woods has been doing his best (or worst) impression of Mickey Rourke. Potentially-almost Vice-President John Edwards goes from having a silver spoon in his mouth, to having it shoved into a completely different place after ruining his reputation and lying to all of us. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took long weekend walks to Argentina. David Letterman proved he has more in common with ex-President Bill Clinton than an affection for cigars. And now, the American Diabetes Association is set to report in January that taking a daily low-dose aspirin has risks that fail to outweigh the benefits to the heart. You know what, though? As much as I admire scientists, I'm starting to get the same feeling as when I listen to the Whigs and Senators and Representatives and Politicos - whatever I choose to do is wrong. Well, Happy Holidays to you too, dang it! While any scientist worth his salt can prove or disprove another, regardless of their level of education or history or location of their academia, I'm gonna do what I do anyway since it seems to work for me! I take my "no burps" Fish Oil every day, because it has stuff in it to make me better than I am without it. Same with my For Him 50+ Multivitamins, because Heaven knows where I'd get Niacin and Zinc without them. I also take B-Complex. Why, you ask?
I'd tell you, but it's too Complex. Hahahahaha! (Notice the self-restraint I used there, instead of saying "...it B2 Complex."?) And finally, I take my Bayer low-dose, enteric-coated aspirin which waits until after it passes through the rigors of my stomach to dissolve. I'm not sure how it knows to do that, but "enteric" must mean "knows where to go in Cap'n Bob's digestive tract." Thank you Bayer! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and so far you haven't killed me. Now if I can only figure a way to get Riboflavin without having to eat all that cereal every morning....
Airport, Scareport!
A USA TODAY review of airport food inspections, including nearly 800 restaurants at 10 major airports in the US, found some pretty amazing statistics. Items such as tuna salad and turkey sandwiches were stored at dangerously warm temperatures. Raw meat was contaminating ready-to-eat foods. Kitchens lacked soap for workers to wash their hands. It seems serious violations are common at the recent inspection points, and that ain't what we need to hear at a time of year that MILLIONS of people are passing through airports. 42% of the 57 restaurants at Seattle-Tacoma Int'l Airport had at least one "critical" violation. So did 77% of Washington's Reagan National's 35 food outlets. Grab-and-go coolers often don't keep sandwiches, salads and yogurt cold enough to stop dangerous pathogens, reports show. There are 76 million cases of food-borne illnesses annually in the U.S., according to estimates from the Center for Disease Control. Most are never traced to the source, and doing so is even harder with airport restaurants because customers scatter immediately. More badness: there were 12 cases in a 4-month period at Atlanta's Hartsfield Int'l Airport, where inspectors found "traces of rodent activity." I don't need to tell you what those traces were. Same for JFK in New York, where 11 citations were issued over an 8-month span for vermin. Bottom line, if your state has posted health inspection ratings in restaurants, they'll also appear at the airport. You may want to scan the walls before ordering, just to be as safe as possible. It makes me wonder how many people have gone on vacation and found themselves with a stomach virus, thinking they caught it in the islands or on a cruise, when the culprit may have been the airport? TIP: you can pick up Purell wipes or other hand-sanitizer cloths to carry with you in airports, helping reduce your germ intake at least a bit. And order something COOKED FRESH to minimize the risk. I know, I know, salads are good for you and meat is bad. Hey - didn't you hear me earlier? I'm taking aspirin. I live on the edge!!
SPENDING YOUR INHERITANCE for Christmas?
Police in Selma Indiana say a fifth-grader decided to "play Santa" last week, handing out money to other students riding on his elementary school bus. The problem is, we're not talking about .50cents or a buck. The un-named juvenile was handing out "approximately $300 per student," after taking nearly $10,000 from his grandparents' safe. Delaware Indiana County Sheriff George Sheridan says the boy was handing out the money on Friday, the last school day before Christmas vacation began. He explained he had wanted to do something nice for everyone, particularly those kids less fortunate than he. Amazingly, some of the children who received the money told their teachers and the principal, and the Sheriff's Department was called. Officers found the boy carrying the remainder of the cash, and both he and the money were returned to his grandparents. The bus driver, who did not receive any cash, asked "What am I - chopped liver?" Bah! Humbug!
DRIVE YOUR BUS!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Are You Comfortable, Ma'am?
You're NOT? Well, you only have to endure another 2 hours and 59 minutes. At least that's the plan, now that the Feds have declared 3 hours the longest passengers will have to wait on a plane before either take-off or returning to the gate. This is what you call a theoretically-great idea, if they can make it happen. Airlines are already throwing their noses up (their literal noses, not the ones on their aircraft), saying this is a bad idea and may ultimately lead to more flight cancellations and delays. Actually, Mr. Executive, you're dead wrong. It's a fabulous idea. It's what we non-airline employees call The Truth. We buy a "Contract of Carriage" which has 26,487 lines of fine print protecting your side of the story, telling us all the things you're not responsible for when we fly or attempt to fly. The key word is Contract. You ask the traveling public to abide by your side of the Contract, and now the Feds are mandating that you honor your side. You offer Point A to Point B for X number of dollars, leaving at Y and arriving at Z. (Note to non-math majors: if you didn't understand that part, you need to get yourself up to a 7th-grade geometry level to finish the remainder of your life -- find a tutor). Anyway, so it's a Contract. Mr. Airline Executive needs to understand that people who purchase their SERVICE, which is what they offer - not a product, want simply the basic part of the Contract honored. Many people fly because they're going to visit a relative in a strange town. The tendency is to tell that relative "My flight gets in at about 10:30am, so I'll meet you outside baggage claim around 11am." Simple, ain't it? That doesn't mean Grandma should be expected to keep circling the airport until 4:30pm or when she runs out of gas (this time I DO mean literally). She should reasonably expect the flight to be there somewhere near the time the airline advertised. But the fine print of that Contract allows for a multitude of excuses, some justified and others less so, and the track record of the airlines basically forced the Government to step in. There are other provisions, and it's basic passenger protection and 3 hours is still a heck of a long time if you're stuck in line on the tarmac, but it's certainly better than the status quo! There are exemptions for safety and security issues, but the Feds are taking this quite seriously and plan to impose a fine of more than $25,000 PER PASSENGER affected. Hopefully this will get the airlines to shape up, so you can ship out.
HOW TO MAKE EXTRA HOLIDAY CASH......NOT:
A Brooklyn, New York man is in trouble after devising a plan to make some extra money during the Holidays. He had discovered a city-owned garage near the old seaport district and Wall Street, which had been closed down. Authorities say his entrepreneurial spirit got the best of him, as he decided to break in to the closed garage and reopen it on his own. He began charging people for parking (cash only). The scam might have lasted a while if he had been reasonable in what he was charging, but officials received complaints from unwitting consumers, since he was actually charging more than the surrounding parking lots! The city's Department of Investigation said NY City Police were dispatched to the site, on only his 2nd day of business, and were able to chase him off though he eluded arrest temporarily. In his collection booth they found a half-empty soda can that was still cold, and were able to lift his DNA from the can to prove he was the alleged culprit. The man now faces charges of burglary and criminal impersonation. How's that for setting high standards? "You know, Ma, at one time it was my life's dream to be a parking attendant, but then I realized I could just pretend to be one without all that needless schooling, filling out a job application, or any of that legal mumbo-jumbo." You know she's a proud woman.
Respect is EARNED, not given...
In a report from the London Daily Mirror, a man in jail for attacking his wife with a machete is suing the Court, for referring to him as 'prisoner' rather than 'mister'. Bernard Pennington claimed the term 'prisoner' was derogatory, defamed his personal reputation, and breached his human rights. Along with the Court, he also tried to sue prison worker David Luckett who called him "Prisoner Pennington" while he was incarcerated at Kingston Prison in Portsmouth, England. A judge at Portsmouth County Court threw out the compensation claim, saying it had no merit whatsoever. He added "Please take Mr. Prisoner Pennington back to his cell." I love it. A judge who will meet you halfway. Given enough publicity, ABC will sign him to it's 4pm daily lineup of Judge This and Judge That, so we can all watch the Prisoner Penningtons of the world, and be thankful we're not them.
HOW TO MAKE EXTRA HOLIDAY CASH......NOT:
A Brooklyn, New York man is in trouble after devising a plan to make some extra money during the Holidays. He had discovered a city-owned garage near the old seaport district and Wall Street, which had been closed down. Authorities say his entrepreneurial spirit got the best of him, as he decided to break in to the closed garage and reopen it on his own. He began charging people for parking (cash only). The scam might have lasted a while if he had been reasonable in what he was charging, but officials received complaints from unwitting consumers, since he was actually charging more than the surrounding parking lots! The city's Department of Investigation said NY City Police were dispatched to the site, on only his 2nd day of business, and were able to chase him off though he eluded arrest temporarily. In his collection booth they found a half-empty soda can that was still cold, and were able to lift his DNA from the can to prove he was the alleged culprit. The man now faces charges of burglary and criminal impersonation. How's that for setting high standards? "You know, Ma, at one time it was my life's dream to be a parking attendant, but then I realized I could just pretend to be one without all that needless schooling, filling out a job application, or any of that legal mumbo-jumbo." You know she's a proud woman.
Respect is EARNED, not given...
In a report from the London Daily Mirror, a man in jail for attacking his wife with a machete is suing the Court, for referring to him as 'prisoner' rather than 'mister'. Bernard Pennington claimed the term 'prisoner' was derogatory, defamed his personal reputation, and breached his human rights. Along with the Court, he also tried to sue prison worker David Luckett who called him "Prisoner Pennington" while he was incarcerated at Kingston Prison in Portsmouth, England. A judge at Portsmouth County Court threw out the compensation claim, saying it had no merit whatsoever. He added "Please take Mr. Prisoner Pennington back to his cell." I love it. A judge who will meet you halfway. Given enough publicity, ABC will sign him to it's 4pm daily lineup of Judge This and Judge That, so we can all watch the Prisoner Penningtons of the world, and be thankful we're not them.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Carrie A Big (Hockey) Stick
Congratulations to American Idol and country music sensation Carrie Underwood, who announced her engagement to Mike Fisher, a hockey player for the Ottawa (Canada) Senators. For years, I've been a sportscard collector, and when I saw this in the news I figured now is the time to break out any Mike Fisher rookie cards I have tucked in the closet, as the interest in him would probably be at an all-time high. Maybe I can make some extra Christmas money, also known as "Holiday money" or "Season money" to the politically-correct among you. Well, so far the interest in Mike Fisher appears to be limited to females, with phrases that include "cute" and "hunky", none of which interest me at all unless they're buying his hockey cards for all the cuteness and hunk-ism he exudes. I was hoping to sell the cards for a couple of bucks on Ebay, but I'm seeing even the cuties and hunkies are only willing to pay about a nickel. A nickel. Let's review: Rookie card, sells for a nickel. It would cost me .15cents to post it on eBay, and another .50cents if I want to include a photograph of the card. Once sold, eBay takes its cut of the profits. Then I have to put it in a .10cent protective plastic case and sleeve, place that in a $1.00 bubble-wrap mailing envelope, and pay .44cents for a stamp. Hmmmmm. Given an initial look, this might not be the money-maker I thought it would be. So I'll wish the very best to Carrie and her beau, but I'll wait until they print Carrie Underwood rookie cards before re-visiting this idea. Who knows, on a good day I might break even.
Holland America's Rotterdam is just coming out of a month-long drydock, and they've added lots of toys and goodies to this sleigh. There are Lanai rooms, a new resort-style pool called "The Retreat", where you can actually put your chaise lounge in the shallow end and enjoy dipping whatever in the water. There's a new pizzaria called Slice, a hip lounge called Mix, and they've even added some balconies and spa cabins. All cabins on board, regardless of category, got upgraded linens, new bathrooms and fixtures. In a nutshell they're just sprucing up their older ships, because even at $40million-a-pop it's 15-20 times cheaper than building a new one. And it allows them to keep the smaller-sized vessels so many people enjoy. Their older ships are also in the pipeline to have the facelift in the next few months and years, trying to compete with some of the new and future builds. Good idea.
CANADIAN JUSTICE:
From a police report in North Bay Ontario Canada, an officer was in line at a traffic light, waiting for the cars in front to move, as normal. However, he suddenly realized nothing had moved through two light changes, so he exited his vehicle and walked up to the lead car to investigate. The driver apologized for the inconvenience, but said she was not able to move on the green lights because she was still on the phone. By a new Canadian law, driving while using a cell phone is illegal, so she decided to obey the new mandate by remaining still. The officer offered her a brief "lecture," to further improve the woman's understanding of Ontario law, then issued her a citation for failure to exhibit normal traffic laws. It was a non-moving violation.
Things aren't much better in Tennessee. According to the Knoxville News-Sentinel, Vincent Salters, 46, was arrested for trying to steal numerous right shoes. Earlier in the week, Mr. Salters had come into the Shoe Show store in Knoxville, and had shoplifted a large number of display shoes, thinking he'd pair them up when he got home. To his dismay, he had dashed out so hurriedly that he failed to notice all the display shoes were for the left foot. So he returned to the Shoe Show and began asking how he might locate just right-footed shoes, when an employee became suspicious and recognized him from surveillance photos. The police were called, and Salters was arrested.
Last in today's trilogy of terror, finds us in the frozen tundra of Minnesota. Travis Himmler, 22, was charged with burglary after he allegedly stole the cash register from the Golden Wok restaurant in Bloomington, Minn. Mr. Himmler didn't own a car, so he attempted to make his getaway on a bicycle. However, he was found by police just down the street from Golden Wok, injured with multiple lacerations and head trauma, after taking a bad spill from his bicycle. It seems the cash register cord was dangling off the machine and swinging freely, and it got caught in the bike's spokes, throwing Himmler head-first into the pavement. While waiting to be booked at the Police Station, the would-be burglar decided to open up the fortune cookie he had picked up at the Golden Wok restaurant. Besides having potentially-winning lottery numbers on the back, the small piece of paper said only:
"Today you will experience love in a new way"
We can only assume...
Holland America's Rotterdam is just coming out of a month-long drydock, and they've added lots of toys and goodies to this sleigh. There are Lanai rooms, a new resort-style pool called "The Retreat", where you can actually put your chaise lounge in the shallow end and enjoy dipping whatever in the water. There's a new pizzaria called Slice, a hip lounge called Mix, and they've even added some balconies and spa cabins. All cabins on board, regardless of category, got upgraded linens, new bathrooms and fixtures. In a nutshell they're just sprucing up their older ships, because even at $40million-a-pop it's 15-20 times cheaper than building a new one. And it allows them to keep the smaller-sized vessels so many people enjoy. Their older ships are also in the pipeline to have the facelift in the next few months and years, trying to compete with some of the new and future builds. Good idea.
CANADIAN JUSTICE:
From a police report in North Bay Ontario Canada, an officer was in line at a traffic light, waiting for the cars in front to move, as normal. However, he suddenly realized nothing had moved through two light changes, so he exited his vehicle and walked up to the lead car to investigate. The driver apologized for the inconvenience, but said she was not able to move on the green lights because she was still on the phone. By a new Canadian law, driving while using a cell phone is illegal, so she decided to obey the new mandate by remaining still. The officer offered her a brief "lecture," to further improve the woman's understanding of Ontario law, then issued her a citation for failure to exhibit normal traffic laws. It was a non-moving violation.
Things aren't much better in Tennessee. According to the Knoxville News-Sentinel, Vincent Salters, 46, was arrested for trying to steal numerous right shoes. Earlier in the week, Mr. Salters had come into the Shoe Show store in Knoxville, and had shoplifted a large number of display shoes, thinking he'd pair them up when he got home. To his dismay, he had dashed out so hurriedly that he failed to notice all the display shoes were for the left foot. So he returned to the Shoe Show and began asking how he might locate just right-footed shoes, when an employee became suspicious and recognized him from surveillance photos. The police were called, and Salters was arrested.
Last in today's trilogy of terror, finds us in the frozen tundra of Minnesota. Travis Himmler, 22, was charged with burglary after he allegedly stole the cash register from the Golden Wok restaurant in Bloomington, Minn. Mr. Himmler didn't own a car, so he attempted to make his getaway on a bicycle. However, he was found by police just down the street from Golden Wok, injured with multiple lacerations and head trauma, after taking a bad spill from his bicycle. It seems the cash register cord was dangling off the machine and swinging freely, and it got caught in the bike's spokes, throwing Himmler head-first into the pavement. While waiting to be booked at the Police Station, the would-be burglar decided to open up the fortune cookie he had picked up at the Golden Wok restaurant. Besides having potentially-winning lottery numbers on the back, the small piece of paper said only:
"Today you will experience love in a new way"
We can only assume...
Friday, December 18, 2009
Aria Smellin' What Cap'n Bob Is Cookin'?
Anyone who has visited Las Vegas over the past couple of years will tell you the most common sight has been cranes. Not the Whooping kind, but the Construction kind. Across from Planet Hollywood and Paris there has been a big hole-in-the-Earth, which has been the proposed City Center. It's the first futuristic concept to hit The Strip in many a moon, with the thought being to go completely away from "themed" hotels (Paris, Venetian, etc) and into the 21st century with a green, upscale product. Welcome to Aria! This new 4,000-bed luxury resort just opened in the midst of the $8.5 billion-with-a-B dollar City Center complex. Owned by MGM/Mirage, Aria stands 61-stories high and will be flanked by the Mandarin Oriental and Vdara hotels, aiming for an affluent demographic never quite seen in Las Vegas before. At least not under one roof. City Center is a huge gamble, no pun intended, but it is already having an effect on the older, smaller properties. Sahara just closed 2 of their towers in a cost-cutting move, and Binion's Gambling Hall downtown (the original site of the World Series of Poker) virtually shut its 365-guest hotel and eliminated 100 jobs, in an attempt to survive. Aria will also host a brand new Cirque du Soleil show called "Viva Elvis" which should have wide appeal, to both new visitors and classic Vegas repeaters. Here's a link to a photo gallery of 16 pictures, featuring the new Aria Hotel and it's surroundings. Pretty impressive:
http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/travel/new-9-billion-casino-opens-on-las-vegas-strip/20091217-kyqt.html
Oh yeah - I forgot to mention.....OF COURSE we have rates for Aria! Or just about any other Las Vegas hotel you could want, so call me to book any time. Email works too, but there's nothing as fast or efficient as the phone. I don't bite.
Exactly WHO is this child's role model again?
Tennessee investigators say a 4-year-old boy was found roaming his neighborhood 2 nights ago. If that weren't bad enough, he was also drinking beer and wearing a little girl's dress taken from under a neighbor's Christmas tree. The un-named child's mother, 21-year-old April Wright, tells WTVC-TV the boy "wants to go to jail because that's where his daddy is." The boy was taken to a local hospital, and treated for alcohol consumption. Initial reports say child protective services will still allow Ms. Wright to keep custody.
Interactive Do-Not-Call List
Daniel Adler, 61, from Stony Point, New York has been arrested and charged with assault. Police said Adler had been solicited by a Sears Home Improvement telemarketer, and after numerous calls had finally agreed to an appointment to meet the man in person. When the employee arrived, Adler allegedly punched him in the face. Mr. Adler said he had agreed to schedule the appointment only to "advise" Sears, in person, to quit calling him.
I'm sorry he was arrested, but Daniel Adler, you're my hero.
http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/travel/new-9-billion-casino-opens-on-las-vegas-strip/20091217-kyqt.html
Oh yeah - I forgot to mention.....OF COURSE we have rates for Aria! Or just about any other Las Vegas hotel you could want, so call me to book any time. Email works too, but there's nothing as fast or efficient as the phone. I don't bite.
Exactly WHO is this child's role model again?
Tennessee investigators say a 4-year-old boy was found roaming his neighborhood 2 nights ago. If that weren't bad enough, he was also drinking beer and wearing a little girl's dress taken from under a neighbor's Christmas tree. The un-named child's mother, 21-year-old April Wright, tells WTVC-TV the boy "wants to go to jail because that's where his daddy is." The boy was taken to a local hospital, and treated for alcohol consumption. Initial reports say child protective services will still allow Ms. Wright to keep custody.
Interactive Do-Not-Call List
Daniel Adler, 61, from Stony Point, New York has been arrested and charged with assault. Police said Adler had been solicited by a Sears Home Improvement telemarketer, and after numerous calls had finally agreed to an appointment to meet the man in person. When the employee arrived, Adler allegedly punched him in the face. Mr. Adler said he had agreed to schedule the appointment only to "advise" Sears, in person, to quit calling him.
I'm sorry he was arrested, but Daniel Adler, you're my hero.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I Need An Enormous Tape Measure - STAT!!
Back in Capn's School, one of the bright spots on my academic resume was mathematics. I was always pretty good with "ciphering" and adding my 2's to make 4. Just a gift, I guess, but apparently not everyone is so blessed when it comes to number-crunching. Not even ship designers or cruise line executives. In a USAToday.com travel article, there's a story today about Holland America's ship Veendam, which is scheduled to sail 24 week-long Bermuda cruises from New York City, starting April 25th. In all their preliminary literature and advertising, they said the ship will overnight in both St. Georges and Hamilton (the 2 main towns on Bermuda). Well, they're half-right. The ship will still pull along side in Hamilton, but St. Georges? Not so much. In a written statement just released, Holland America Line says they will not be docking in the 2nd location "due to challenges with the Town Cut and the narrow entrance to St. George’s Harbour.” Bluntly, they just realized the ship won’t fit. Instead, they will have to anchor offshore, and have passengers use ferries and tender boats to get to town. The local ferries hold up to 700 passengers, but they don't necessarily go as often as you like, or as quickly as you like. Certainly a lot slower and less-desirable than just walking off the ship the way it was originally presented. Local businesses are also upset, as they saw the proposed docking as a boon to their shops and tourist haunts. Holland America is encouraging the locals to dredge the harbor wider and deeper, to accommodate more ships like Veendam. But Bermuda could have done that 100+ years ago, and they really don't want large ships. So I doubt that the cruise line's lack of planning is going to constitute Bermuda's emergency. Suggestion for next time? As the old saying goes, "Do the math."
Speaking of school and number-crunching, everyone knows there are services and commercial test-preparation courses available for high-end schools. These are extremely popular with applicants to top colleges and grad schools, and more recently for admission to prestigious private high schools. According to a New York Times report, private coaching is increasingly important for admission to New York City's high-achiever-status public kindergartens. Basic coaching for these prodigious 3- and 4-year-olds can cost over $1,000. Training includes teaching a child to listen to an adult's questions, and to sit still. Minimum qualification for top-shelf kindergartens are scores at the 90th percentile or above on the Olsat reasoning test, and the Bracken School Readiness knowledge test. My Dad used to have a system for getting me to listen and sit still. Didn't cost $1000, either. It just started with "Where's my belt?"
From the Lincoln Nebraska Journal Star newspaper, a little story about government in action. Or government inaction, depending on your viewpoint. In September, Nebraska did a background check on prison guard Michal Preclik, who had been on the job for a year and was being promoted. Standard procedure with any payscale change and promotion is obtaining an updated background check on the individual. The Corrections Department's background check was done through the FBI's National Criminal Information Center database, which turned up nothing. Clean as a whistle. However, on a lark another employee simply Googled the name Michal Preclik, only to find out he was wanted by Interpol for drug and fraud crimes in the Czech Republic. Google showed the Interpol wanted poster with Preclik's photo, as one of its top search results.
Kleen-Up On Aisle Zwei!
What's with the German you ask? I bring it up because of an incident in the town of Aachen. Two German shoppers grabbed the last grocery cart, and a scuffle ensued between a 74-year-old man and a 35-year-old woman. They began arguing over who got the cart first, when the woman's younger brother suddenly punched the elderly man, knocking him to the ground. The woman, her brother and mother continued on shopping, when suddenly the roughed-up Senior made a comeback, hitting the brother with a 3-foot salami. At almost that same instant, the elderly man found himself fighting off the 53-year-old mother, who had attacked him back with a 4-lb piece of Parmesan cheese, which she used to stab at him like it was a knife. The fight ended after police arrived to break it up, and two of those involved were treated for minor injuries. No word on whether charges have been filed on any of the combatants. There's also been very little talk recently of a "Master race"....
Speaking of school and number-crunching, everyone knows there are services and commercial test-preparation courses available for high-end schools. These are extremely popular with applicants to top colleges and grad schools, and more recently for admission to prestigious private high schools. According to a New York Times report, private coaching is increasingly important for admission to New York City's high-achiever-status public kindergartens. Basic coaching for these prodigious 3- and 4-year-olds can cost over $1,000. Training includes teaching a child to listen to an adult's questions, and to sit still. Minimum qualification for top-shelf kindergartens are scores at the 90th percentile or above on the Olsat reasoning test, and the Bracken School Readiness knowledge test. My Dad used to have a system for getting me to listen and sit still. Didn't cost $1000, either. It just started with "Where's my belt?"
From the Lincoln Nebraska Journal Star newspaper, a little story about government in action. Or government inaction, depending on your viewpoint. In September, Nebraska did a background check on prison guard Michal Preclik, who had been on the job for a year and was being promoted. Standard procedure with any payscale change and promotion is obtaining an updated background check on the individual. The Corrections Department's background check was done through the FBI's National Criminal Information Center database, which turned up nothing. Clean as a whistle. However, on a lark another employee simply Googled the name Michal Preclik, only to find out he was wanted by Interpol for drug and fraud crimes in the Czech Republic. Google showed the Interpol wanted poster with Preclik's photo, as one of its top search results.
Kleen-Up On Aisle Zwei!
What's with the German you ask? I bring it up because of an incident in the town of Aachen. Two German shoppers grabbed the last grocery cart, and a scuffle ensued between a 74-year-old man and a 35-year-old woman. They began arguing over who got the cart first, when the woman's younger brother suddenly punched the elderly man, knocking him to the ground. The woman, her brother and mother continued on shopping, when suddenly the roughed-up Senior made a comeback, hitting the brother with a 3-foot salami. At almost that same instant, the elderly man found himself fighting off the 53-year-old mother, who had attacked him back with a 4-lb piece of Parmesan cheese, which she used to stab at him like it was a knife. The fight ended after police arrived to break it up, and two of those involved were treated for minor injuries. No word on whether charges have been filed on any of the combatants. There's also been very little talk recently of a "Master race"....
Friday, December 11, 2009
2 Weeks To Sanity?
I was raised on insane comedy. 3 Stooges. F-Troop. Soupy Sales. And then there were the co-creators of much of that genre, the Marx Brothers. Obviously they were also beloved by the rock group Queen, who went on to name their records after numerous Marx Brothers movies. "Night At The Opera" has some great scenes, including one where Fiorello (Chico Marx) and Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho) are discussing the details of a new contract they're supposed to sign:
Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello: No, that's no good.
Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Otis B. Driftwood: It says...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello: Er... just the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The party of the first part?
Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract...” look, why quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? (he rips it off the page). Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...
Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?
Fiorello: I no like the second party, either.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days! (rips the 2nd part off the page)
Fiorello: What's that clause down there?
Otis B. Driftwood: That clause down here?
Fiorello: Yes, that clause down there.
Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that clause is in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello (laughing out loud): Ha, ha - you can't fool me! There's no such thing as Sanity Claus!
And so it goes. Some people believe there's no such thing as Sanity Claus, but with as lousy as 2009 has been, I'm still hoping a real Holiday Spirit exists, by whichever name you choose to call Him. Or Her. Or It. Whatever the case, I hope all my clients and friends and readers have a wonderful and very merry (insert whichever Holiday you celebrate here).
"Yeah, I started getting loose just past the porch, in that wide open area by the oak tree, and I had to just shut 'er down!"
Tired of weekend chores? Wish you could get through them faster? Maybe you should speak to Don Wales, a British race-car driver who has just designed a lawn mower that can travel up to 100 miles per hour. He's hoping to break the current world record of 80 mph, which has stood since 2006. Mr. Wales already holds world records for electric and steam-powered cars. The lawn mower, which by coincidence can also cut grass, is equipped with a standard power mower engine that has been modified to run on high-octane racing fuel. It's also been tweaked to increase stability, and has been fitted with narrow racing tires to reduce drag. He plans to attempt to break the record in February...stay tuned...
HOLY COW, Batman!
Or maybe it's just a divine bovine? Last week at a dairy farm in Sterling Connecticut, a calf was born with a white marking on its forehead, in the approximate shape of a cross. Owner Brad Davis told WFSB-TV he thinks the marking may be a message from above, though he's still trying to figure out what that message might be. The mostly brown calf is half Jersey, half Holstein. Neighborhood children have named it Moses. However, from the earliest reports there have been no sightings of any Wise Men roaming the area. None.
Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello: No, that's no good.
Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Otis B. Driftwood: It says...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello: Er... just the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The party of the first part?
Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract...” look, why quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? (he rips it off the page). Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...
Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?
Fiorello: I no like the second party, either.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days! (rips the 2nd part off the page)
Fiorello: What's that clause down there?
Otis B. Driftwood: That clause down here?
Fiorello: Yes, that clause down there.
Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that clause is in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello (laughing out loud): Ha, ha - you can't fool me! There's no such thing as Sanity Claus!
And so it goes. Some people believe there's no such thing as Sanity Claus, but with as lousy as 2009 has been, I'm still hoping a real Holiday Spirit exists, by whichever name you choose to call Him. Or Her. Or It. Whatever the case, I hope all my clients and friends and readers have a wonderful and very merry (insert whichever Holiday you celebrate here).
"Yeah, I started getting loose just past the porch, in that wide open area by the oak tree, and I had to just shut 'er down!"
Tired of weekend chores? Wish you could get through them faster? Maybe you should speak to Don Wales, a British race-car driver who has just designed a lawn mower that can travel up to 100 miles per hour. He's hoping to break the current world record of 80 mph, which has stood since 2006. Mr. Wales already holds world records for electric and steam-powered cars. The lawn mower, which by coincidence can also cut grass, is equipped with a standard power mower engine that has been modified to run on high-octane racing fuel. It's also been tweaked to increase stability, and has been fitted with narrow racing tires to reduce drag. He plans to attempt to break the record in February...stay tuned...
HOLY COW, Batman!
Or maybe it's just a divine bovine? Last week at a dairy farm in Sterling Connecticut, a calf was born with a white marking on its forehead, in the approximate shape of a cross. Owner Brad Davis told WFSB-TV he thinks the marking may be a message from above, though he's still trying to figure out what that message might be. The mostly brown calf is half Jersey, half Holstein. Neighborhood children have named it Moses. However, from the earliest reports there have been no sightings of any Wise Men roaming the area. None.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Colors Of The Season? Gray Suit, White Socks And A Red Bow Tie!
That can only mean one thing. Pee-Wee Herman is back in action! If you're going to be in Los Angeles starting January 12th, Paul Rubens (a.k.a. Pee-Wee Herman) will be "live" on stage doing a newly-written stage play at the Club Nokia in downtown LA. He will reprise his longtime imp-child character, surrounded by all the friends from his TV show, and in most cases with the same actors who played them (Miss Yvonne, Chairy and others). Only Cowboy Curtis will have changed since original cast member Laurence Fishburne has moved on to bigger projects, such as starring on TV's "C.S.I." which pays slightly better than being Pee-Wee's sidekick. Promoters are hoping this leads to another Big Adventure, taking the stage show nationally and possibly into a new movie deal looking forward. Fishburne gave Pee Wee his approval to hire another actor play his part, but said "If there is a movie, I'll get my Jheri Curl out and I'll be there as Cowboy Curtis." So we have that to look forward to. I always liked silly humor and the Pee-Wee character, his show and movies, so if the new project take off I'm sure I'll pony-up for tickets to watch. When pressed for details of is-there-or-isn't there a movie coming, Pee-Wee just cocked his head to the side, raised his eyebrows and smiled "Is there something YOU know that I don't know?" In typical style, he added, "I hope the whole world, and people on the moon, and Mars and all over the universe get to see me, not just the people on Earth. I don't want to be limited to just Earth - how boring is THAT?!"
And you wonder what happened to us...
Shipments of Ford passenger vans arrive each month in Baltimore from a Ford plant in Turkey. Each time a shipment comes in, workers immediately rip out the non-driver seats and replace the side windows with steel. The reason, according to a recent Wall Street Journal report, is to avoid an expensive tariff on imported "delivery vans," which is 10 times the tariff on "passenger vans." Ford found it is much cheaper to re-fit the vehicles into passenger vans, rather than to acknowledge importing delivery vans from Turkey. Ironically, the 10-fold tariff was imposed in 1963, specifically to protect the U.S. auto industry from foreign imports. How's that working for you, Ford?
In November, researchers roaming the depths of Scotland's Loch Ness in a submarine looking for the legendary "Nessie" monster, reported finding hundreds of thousands of golf balls at the bottom, from popular use of the lake as a driving range. A recent Golf Association report said golf balls take somewhere between 100 and 1,000 years to decompose. There was another smaller batch of golf balls found about 75 yards to the left of the other stack. Those were attributed to a Loch Ness Monster Slice....
And you wonder what happened to us...
Shipments of Ford passenger vans arrive each month in Baltimore from a Ford plant in Turkey. Each time a shipment comes in, workers immediately rip out the non-driver seats and replace the side windows with steel. The reason, according to a recent Wall Street Journal report, is to avoid an expensive tariff on imported "delivery vans," which is 10 times the tariff on "passenger vans." Ford found it is much cheaper to re-fit the vehicles into passenger vans, rather than to acknowledge importing delivery vans from Turkey. Ironically, the 10-fold tariff was imposed in 1963, specifically to protect the U.S. auto industry from foreign imports. How's that working for you, Ford?
In November, researchers roaming the depths of Scotland's Loch Ness in a submarine looking for the legendary "Nessie" monster, reported finding hundreds of thousands of golf balls at the bottom, from popular use of the lake as a driving range. A recent Golf Association report said golf balls take somewhere between 100 and 1,000 years to decompose. There was another smaller batch of golf balls found about 75 yards to the left of the other stack. Those were attributed to a Loch Ness Monster Slice....
Friday, December 4, 2009
Regal Regent, Cunning Cunard
Seasoned travelers know the name Zagat, which is a rating service and annual survey that for years has given its thumbs-up or thumbs-down to hotels, restaurants and entertainment from major cities. The theory behind the Zagat Survey is that if you're accustomed to a certain lifestyle in New York or Chicago, when you travel to Houston or Seattle you'll want to stay in similar style, and dine in a similar fashion to your normal preferences. Sort of a "points" or "star" rating, it gives people a solid, professional recommendation for such choices. Today, Zagat enters the world of cruising, for the first time comparing lines against one another based on size, class, price, etc. There are some interesting results. Cunard came in at the top of the large cruise lines (with elegant ships such as the Queen Mary II), followed closely by Celebrity and Disney Cruises. In the mid-size category, which is where you find most of the luxury lines, the top dog is Regent Seven Seas (formerly Radisson Seven Seas), then Crystal and the Yachts of Seabourn.
That brings up an interesting topic - how much does a cruise really cost? I have thousands of clients who sail on the standard brands: Carnival, Royal Caribbean, Princess, Holland America and others, but the emphasis on these lines continues to be "How can we generate even more onboard revenue, once we get the passengers on the ship?" That's great for cruise line execs and stockholders, but if you're trying to budget your vacation before leaving home, best of luck with that. Royal Caribbean's new Oasis of the Seas has more spending venues than anything preceding it, and at some point the sheer volume of pay-as-you-go extras will overwhelm people. It has already spawned huge growth in the "all-inclusive" hotel/resort market on various islands, which continues to grow each year. But some people, like me, just love to cruise! So what's the answer? Maybe those people should consider lines like Regent which have a larger price tag up-front, but once onboard you are not hacked up by fees and add-ons. Regent just extended their FREE SHORE EXCURSION program into 2010 (but you have to book soon to qualify). That's not a misprint - unlimited shore excursions free. On an Alaska cruise, that could save you $1000 per person. Regent used to be very formal, but that's been relaxed to where formal wear is no longer required. If you like wines or spirits during your cruise, while other cruise lines crush you with bar prices, Regent includes them. And soft drinks. And bottled water. Even the mini-bar in your suite is replenished daily, all free. You have wireless internet access anywhere on the ship. Room service is complimentary 24-hours a day, in all categories. And while other lines hit you with gratuities at the end of the cruise, Regent just thanks you and says "See you next time." Gratuities are already built into your price. Some cruise lines will pack you into cabins as small as 118 square feet, but the smallest cabin in Regent's fleet is 252 sq. feet, and that's not even counting the additional 49 sq. ft. balcony! My clients who have tried Regent have stayed there, cruising over and over again in different parts of the world but staying with the brand. Once you experience true luxury, it's hard to go back to anything less, and the surprising thing is you can get it for the same price or less than you'd wind up paying on a standard brand. If you think you're ready to upgrade your vacation, call me or email me today.
At what age should you retire?
For me, it'll probably be 102, though if I have trouble getting out of bed at 97 or 98 I may just throw in the towel. According to the Des Moines Register, maybe 72 is a good age for truck drivers to consider climbing down. Phillip Mathews, 73, whose logging truck is equipped with a tall boom-arm to facilitate loading, recently left a jobsite, and was on his way home after an arduous day's work. However, Mr. Matthews forgot to lower the arm after finishing a job, and once he started driving the boom proceeded to snap power lines on utility poles, for the next 12 miles until motorists were finally able to get his attention. If you've ever been to rural Iowa you know that 12 miles of power lines probably affected as many as 3 people.
This from the Dayton Ohio Daily Register: For its Halloween gala, the Kings Island amusement park near Cincinnati set up an exhibit, featuring skeletons dressed to resemble dead celebrities, including Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ted Kennedy, Ed McMahon, TV salesman Billy Mays, Sonny Bono (his skeleton in front of a tree) and Ted Williams (his skeleton in front of a freezer). Following a WLWT-TV preview of the exhibit, the park quickly canceled it, with a spokesman declaring, "We were not intending to be distasteful."
Yowza....I have to wonder what they would have done if they had INTENDED to be distasteful!
Is that bigamy? Or big of you?
In Ogden, Utah last month, 30-year-old Adam Manning went to the emergency room at the McKay-Dee Hospital, accompanying his pregnant girlfriend as she was going into labor. Nice guy, right? Be there for her. Show support through her ordeal. According to witnesses, as a nurse attended to the girlfriend, Mr. Manning began flirting with her, complimenting the nurse's looks and even giving her a neck rub as she tried to assist the young mom-to-be. Manning then allegedly made a couple of lewd comments and actually groped the nurse, who called for security. He was eventually arrested and taken to jail, missing the birth of his 1st child. Let's all just hope it's his LAST child. We already have enough Adam Mannings on the Planet
That brings up an interesting topic - how much does a cruise really cost? I have thousands of clients who sail on the standard brands: Carnival, Royal Caribbean, Princess, Holland America and others, but the emphasis on these lines continues to be "How can we generate even more onboard revenue, once we get the passengers on the ship?" That's great for cruise line execs and stockholders, but if you're trying to budget your vacation before leaving home, best of luck with that. Royal Caribbean's new Oasis of the Seas has more spending venues than anything preceding it, and at some point the sheer volume of pay-as-you-go extras will overwhelm people. It has already spawned huge growth in the "all-inclusive" hotel/resort market on various islands, which continues to grow each year. But some people, like me, just love to cruise! So what's the answer? Maybe those people should consider lines like Regent which have a larger price tag up-front, but once onboard you are not hacked up by fees and add-ons. Regent just extended their FREE SHORE EXCURSION program into 2010 (but you have to book soon to qualify). That's not a misprint - unlimited shore excursions free. On an Alaska cruise, that could save you $1000 per person. Regent used to be very formal, but that's been relaxed to where formal wear is no longer required. If you like wines or spirits during your cruise, while other cruise lines crush you with bar prices, Regent includes them. And soft drinks. And bottled water. Even the mini-bar in your suite is replenished daily, all free. You have wireless internet access anywhere on the ship. Room service is complimentary 24-hours a day, in all categories. And while other lines hit you with gratuities at the end of the cruise, Regent just thanks you and says "See you next time." Gratuities are already built into your price. Some cruise lines will pack you into cabins as small as 118 square feet, but the smallest cabin in Regent's fleet is 252 sq. feet, and that's not even counting the additional 49 sq. ft. balcony! My clients who have tried Regent have stayed there, cruising over and over again in different parts of the world but staying with the brand. Once you experience true luxury, it's hard to go back to anything less, and the surprising thing is you can get it for the same price or less than you'd wind up paying on a standard brand. If you think you're ready to upgrade your vacation, call me or email me today.
At what age should you retire?
For me, it'll probably be 102, though if I have trouble getting out of bed at 97 or 98 I may just throw in the towel. According to the Des Moines Register, maybe 72 is a good age for truck drivers to consider climbing down. Phillip Mathews, 73, whose logging truck is equipped with a tall boom-arm to facilitate loading, recently left a jobsite, and was on his way home after an arduous day's work. However, Mr. Matthews forgot to lower the arm after finishing a job, and once he started driving the boom proceeded to snap power lines on utility poles, for the next 12 miles until motorists were finally able to get his attention. If you've ever been to rural Iowa you know that 12 miles of power lines probably affected as many as 3 people.
This from the Dayton Ohio Daily Register: For its Halloween gala, the Kings Island amusement park near Cincinnati set up an exhibit, featuring skeletons dressed to resemble dead celebrities, including Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ted Kennedy, Ed McMahon, TV salesman Billy Mays, Sonny Bono (his skeleton in front of a tree) and Ted Williams (his skeleton in front of a freezer). Following a WLWT-TV preview of the exhibit, the park quickly canceled it, with a spokesman declaring, "We were not intending to be distasteful."
Yowza....I have to wonder what they would have done if they had INTENDED to be distasteful!
Is that bigamy? Or big of you?
In Ogden, Utah last month, 30-year-old Adam Manning went to the emergency room at the McKay-Dee Hospital, accompanying his pregnant girlfriend as she was going into labor. Nice guy, right? Be there for her. Show support through her ordeal. According to witnesses, as a nurse attended to the girlfriend, Mr. Manning began flirting with her, complimenting the nurse's looks and even giving her a neck rub as she tried to assist the young mom-to-be. Manning then allegedly made a couple of lewd comments and actually groped the nurse, who called for security. He was eventually arrested and taken to jail, missing the birth of his 1st child. Let's all just hope it's his LAST child. We already have enough Adam Mannings on the Planet
Thursday, December 3, 2009
It Ain't Your Grammy's Grammys Anymore
Remember music? Yeah, probably not. There hasn't been much of it since the line between being a celebrity and being a true musician/performer got crossed, and spoken rhymes replaced any semblance of harmony and melody for an entire generation. Now leading into another. How sad. As screwed up as the 80's were, with big clothing and bigger hair, it looks like Eden in the rear-view mirror, compared to the gruel that comes over the airwaves now. This week we were treated not to the Grammy Awards show, but the Here's-Who-Will-Be-On-The-Grammys show. This type of fare is not necessary for survival of the species, trust me. It's kind of like when a COMPLETE MORON at some TV network decided a couple of years ago that our attention span had shriveled to 10 seconds or less, and now every show has a "coming up after the break" segment. Usually, it spoils whatever is coming up! I don't want to know. Why not pick up a 500 page novel, and on page 11 it says "coming up on page 230", and on page 230 it says "here's the end of the book." Or going to the theater to see a movie, and after 20 minutes the screen goes blank and you see "here's the scene coming up 9 minutes from now," only to prevent you from possibly going to the concession stand for the $39.95 Jumbo box of Goobers. Doing these teasers is very likely the worst idea in TV history, and yet every executive thought it was so good they immediately sheeped into line to follow suit.
Anyway, back to the Pre-Grammys. I won't bore you with the details of the talentless, ruthless and toothless, but it should be enough to say Lady Gaga got 5 nominations. Lady Gaga. 5 nominations. Questions anyone? Is there any human left who still believes music is alive? Talent has been replaced by the Acts of Hacks, that's for sure. I couldn't stomach 5 minutes of this pre-quel, so I did what I do best: reading CD reviews on http://www.melodicrock.com/, where the truth still exists in small fashion, no thanks to TV or any other media outlet.
On a different tangent, Royal Caribbean's Oasis Of The Seas finally reached South Florida, and initial reports are mainly what I expected. "It's really cool" followed by "It's breathtaking" followed by "It's noisier than I thought" and "For anyone who doesn't like to walk long distances all the time, this ship is just too big." Mostly positive notes across the board from the first guests, but it's certainly not for everyone. There are many more areas of the ship where things or services or events cost additional money than on your standard cruise ship. Want soft-serve ice cream? Great - it's free! But if you want some of that creamy hand-dipped stuff that everyone's walking around with, please reach for your wallet. Either hand will do. This appears to be a DO-er's ship, not a watchers ship. Get involved or stay home. Personally, I will sell it for the experience and excitement, but not as a relaxing holiday. The WOW and BANG factors are definitely there in spades, with more entertainment options than any ship in history. So if you're one of those people who likes "stuff", call me and book Oasis today. Expect the price tag to match the size of the ship, as booking totals are also Super-Sized, but the approval rating is very strong and just to be able to tell your friends you were on the Oasis will earn you extra cool-guy-brownie-points in keeping up with the Joneses.
No More BAAAAAAA'd Breath?
Scientists-Down-Under are aiming to breed sheep that burp less, to help tackle climate change.
It's estimated that 12 percent of Australia's greenhouse gas emissions originate with agriculture, and 70 percent of that amount is blamed on livestock burps. Sheep especially produce almost all of their methane from their mouths. Scientists are looking to see if there is a genetic link between these sheep and other 4-legged creatures, thinking they could possibly cross-breed to create a generation of low-emissions sheep. Australia has an estimated 80 million of the fluffy varmints, so even reducing emissions a little bit would have a substantial impact on greenhouse gases in Aussieland. As for the cows, no amount of Listerine or cross-breeding will help the area they emit methane from.
Somehow, I'm picturing a rancher taking a bull and cross-breeding it with a sheep. WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY!
Anyway, back to the Pre-Grammys. I won't bore you with the details of the talentless, ruthless and toothless, but it should be enough to say Lady Gaga got 5 nominations. Lady Gaga. 5 nominations. Questions anyone? Is there any human left who still believes music is alive? Talent has been replaced by the Acts of Hacks, that's for sure. I couldn't stomach 5 minutes of this pre-quel, so I did what I do best: reading CD reviews on http://www.melodicrock.com/, where the truth still exists in small fashion, no thanks to TV or any other media outlet.
On a different tangent, Royal Caribbean's Oasis Of The Seas finally reached South Florida, and initial reports are mainly what I expected. "It's really cool" followed by "It's breathtaking" followed by "It's noisier than I thought" and "For anyone who doesn't like to walk long distances all the time, this ship is just too big." Mostly positive notes across the board from the first guests, but it's certainly not for everyone. There are many more areas of the ship where things or services or events cost additional money than on your standard cruise ship. Want soft-serve ice cream? Great - it's free! But if you want some of that creamy hand-dipped stuff that everyone's walking around with, please reach for your wallet. Either hand will do. This appears to be a DO-er's ship, not a watchers ship. Get involved or stay home. Personally, I will sell it for the experience and excitement, but not as a relaxing holiday. The WOW and BANG factors are definitely there in spades, with more entertainment options than any ship in history. So if you're one of those people who likes "stuff", call me and book Oasis today. Expect the price tag to match the size of the ship, as booking totals are also Super-Sized, but the approval rating is very strong and just to be able to tell your friends you were on the Oasis will earn you extra cool-guy-brownie-points in keeping up with the Joneses.
No More BAAAAAAA'd Breath?
Scientists-Down-Under are aiming to breed sheep that burp less, to help tackle climate change.
It's estimated that 12 percent of Australia's greenhouse gas emissions originate with agriculture, and 70 percent of that amount is blamed on livestock burps. Sheep especially produce almost all of their methane from their mouths. Scientists are looking to see if there is a genetic link between these sheep and other 4-legged creatures, thinking they could possibly cross-breed to create a generation of low-emissions sheep. Australia has an estimated 80 million of the fluffy varmints, so even reducing emissions a little bit would have a substantial impact on greenhouse gases in Aussieland. As for the cows, no amount of Listerine or cross-breeding will help the area they emit methane from.
Somehow, I'm picturing a rancher taking a bull and cross-breeding it with a sheep. WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Green on Blue (Trees in the ocean?)
"Now entering the starting gate, ladies and gentlemen, is the much-ballyhooed thoroughbred, Oasis of the Seas. Sired by Monarch from the dame Majesty, this super-charger is currently UNDEFEATED, though if we're being honest she hasn't even raced yet. Not even a claimer. She stands taller than the competition, coming in at over 2,700 hands in height (Secretariat was just over 16 hands), and she carries more than 8,500 jockeys and stable personnel. She prefers a very wet track, and is fully expected to be a high-stakes winner, right from the get-go."
Well, we hope so, though I might not bet the farm just yet. This ship has been commanding a premium of more than double what the other Royal Caribbean ships charge, simply by being bigger and more different and just plain MORE. Even in the current economy, people are opening their wallets nice and wide to get on the newest industry behemoth. And she is definitely that. The ship is enormous, with a crew and staff that is larger than what most ships carry as a complement of passengers! Live trees growing onboard. I guess it wouldn't make sense to have dead trees, but STILL - it's something new, something different, something people have been willing to pay a premium rate on. So far. But a report in today's USAToday online indicates that could be coming to a halt sooner, rather than later. Already pricing is starting to come down from its initial dizzying heights, as Royal Caribbean tries to fill such a massive amount of berths week-in, week-out. And there's another wooly mammoth just like her being built as we speak. The fear is saturation, which in my mind has a greater chance of victory in this race than "If you build it, they will come." I'm a bit of a skeptic at the moment, since I'm a traditionalist who thinks there really IS such a thing as too big. But I'd be grateful if they can prove me wrong, by keeping demand and prices high. We'll see.
Bartender: Get me a military aircraft, a down parka, snowmobile, blasting caps, thermal boots and something refreshing to drink, please!
After more than 100 years, a team of liquor connoisseurs is set to drill through Antarctica's ice sheets, in search of a lost cache of vintage Scotch whiskey. You may know the story of explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton, whose ship and team made a journey to the South Pole more than a century ago. Devastatingly-cold weather conditions forced the crew to abandon ship and most of their belongings, before being rescued. One prize left behind was the now-extremely-aged Scotch. The site was re-discovered in 2006, but the ice pack was too dense for retrieval. Now, the beverage company Whyte & Mackay has hired a team fetch the two crates of Rare Old brand of McKinlay and Company whiskey. They are hoping to replicate the taste, though because of an odd conservation agreement made by the Antarctic Treaty nations, they will only be allowed to bring out a couple of bottles. Maybe the plan is to create a duplicate copy of the beverage, with explicit instructions on the label:
Step 1) Purchase
Step 2) Store in a cold dark place, preferably at a Polar Ice Cap or imbedded in a solution of liquid nitrogen for at least 10 decades
Step 3) Open
Step 4) Drink
Step 5) Wipe mouth, smile big, say "Aaaaaaahhhhhh."
Speaking of bizarre treatment of alcohol, A Ugandan official has called for the bodies of dead people who died as a result of drinking an illicit local gin, to be caned (beaten) six times before burial. He said the caning will act "as an example to the living people of what can happen." Huh? The gin, called waragi, is distilled with a poisonous methanol, and Police say it has caused more than 50 deaths in the last two months. I wonder what IQ Test is required to become a Ugandan official? You have to be pretty smart, apparently, to realize that caning a dead body only 5 times won't act as enough of a deterrent, but caning it 7 times would appear to be overkill and socially, in bad taste.
6 times is genius...
Well, we hope so, though I might not bet the farm just yet. This ship has been commanding a premium of more than double what the other Royal Caribbean ships charge, simply by being bigger and more different and just plain MORE. Even in the current economy, people are opening their wallets nice and wide to get on the newest industry behemoth. And she is definitely that. The ship is enormous, with a crew and staff that is larger than what most ships carry as a complement of passengers! Live trees growing onboard. I guess it wouldn't make sense to have dead trees, but STILL - it's something new, something different, something people have been willing to pay a premium rate on. So far. But a report in today's USAToday online indicates that could be coming to a halt sooner, rather than later. Already pricing is starting to come down from its initial dizzying heights, as Royal Caribbean tries to fill such a massive amount of berths week-in, week-out. And there's another wooly mammoth just like her being built as we speak. The fear is saturation, which in my mind has a greater chance of victory in this race than "If you build it, they will come." I'm a bit of a skeptic at the moment, since I'm a traditionalist who thinks there really IS such a thing as too big. But I'd be grateful if they can prove me wrong, by keeping demand and prices high. We'll see.
Bartender: Get me a military aircraft, a down parka, snowmobile, blasting caps, thermal boots and something refreshing to drink, please!
After more than 100 years, a team of liquor connoisseurs is set to drill through Antarctica's ice sheets, in search of a lost cache of vintage Scotch whiskey. You may know the story of explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton, whose ship and team made a journey to the South Pole more than a century ago. Devastatingly-cold weather conditions forced the crew to abandon ship and most of their belongings, before being rescued. One prize left behind was the now-extremely-aged Scotch. The site was re-discovered in 2006, but the ice pack was too dense for retrieval. Now, the beverage company Whyte & Mackay has hired a team fetch the two crates of Rare Old brand of McKinlay and Company whiskey. They are hoping to replicate the taste, though because of an odd conservation agreement made by the Antarctic Treaty nations, they will only be allowed to bring out a couple of bottles. Maybe the plan is to create a duplicate copy of the beverage, with explicit instructions on the label:
Step 1) Purchase
Step 2) Store in a cold dark place, preferably at a Polar Ice Cap or imbedded in a solution of liquid nitrogen for at least 10 decades
Step 3) Open
Step 4) Drink
Step 5) Wipe mouth, smile big, say "Aaaaaaahhhhhh."
Speaking of bizarre treatment of alcohol, A Ugandan official has called for the bodies of dead people who died as a result of drinking an illicit local gin, to be caned (beaten) six times before burial. He said the caning will act "as an example to the living people of what can happen." Huh? The gin, called waragi, is distilled with a poisonous methanol, and Police say it has caused more than 50 deaths in the last two months. I wonder what IQ Test is required to become a Ugandan official? You have to be pretty smart, apparently, to realize that caning a dead body only 5 times won't act as enough of a deterrent, but caning it 7 times would appear to be overkill and socially, in bad taste.
6 times is genius...
Monday, November 16, 2009
What? (removes his shoe)
There's an old Monty Python bit, where John Cleese answers a phone and all you hear is his end of the conversation. It's obvious the person on the other end of the phone is asking him questions, as his response goes something like this:
"Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. What? (removes his shoe): 7 1/2. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Alright then."
For those of you who might be lacking a funny-bone, the COMEDY comes from the fact that no one calling would care what your shoe size is, whether seven-and-a-half or anything else. And the fact that he doesn't question the question, only gives the honest mundane answer. Welcome to my world! The TSA & Homeland Security are just about to step-up their passenger background checks, for anyone getting on an airplane in the US. People are used to calling their travel agents, booking a flight, and off they go. Now we're going to have to start asking for First name, middle name, last name, birthdate, gender of the traveler, and if they have a DHS-issued re-dress number (guess I'm going to have to find out what that is!). I can hardly wait. In this ultra-fast-paced world, where people get annoyed easily at even the slightest thing that might slow down their activities schedule, we're going to have to have this conversation over and over with people, until they get used to the idea that it's REQUIRED if you want to fly. Why? Put yourself in Homeland Security's place. Bill Johnson is wanting a plane ticket. Do you think when they try to do a background check, there will be more than 1 Bill Johnson? And what if he goes by Bill, but his real name is Clarence Willie Johnson? Not William or Bill as you might assume. But let's say his name was William Johnson. There's still gotta be many tens of thousands of them. But if you check William Wayne Johnson, who was born on Aug. 8, 1947 it dramatically narrows the field. That's the whole point of this exercise, to make it so we're all safer in the skies and on the ground. The background checks will be looking not only for people on terror watchlists, but deadbeat parents, people wanted by The Law, and so on. At least to this point they haven't asked for shoe size, so John Cleese is safe within his classic comedy bit from becoming commonplace. I figured I'd just mention it here, so my millions and billions of international followers and devotees would be up to date. I'm pretty sure I'm that popular, but it could be less.
CNN online has an interesting story today about Travel & Leisure Magazine's idea of the World's Ugliest Buildings. I've got to admit some of them are pretty cool looking (from a drunken sailor kind of standpoint), but yes there are some stinkers in there as well. Here's a link, and you can decide for yourself:
http://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/the-worlds-ugliest-buildings/1/
Procter & Gamble announced that it will once again create and host a public restroom for the holidays in New York City's Times Square, as a promotion for Charmin tissue. Last year's installation was specially outfitted toilet facilities, but this year P&G is going to upgrade the promotion. They're hiring five bloggers called Charmin Ambassadors, to "interact" with the expected "hundreds of thousands of bathroom guests" and write about their experiences with Charmin tissue on the company's Web site. They even want people to include "family-friendly" photographs. P&G is calling the campaign "Enjoy the Go." I've renamed it "New York City - It's Craptastic." So there, P&G - let's see which name consumers pick up on.
With lawsuits piling up against Bank of America, a man named Dalton Chiscolm found a new angle to try to strike gold. In September, he sued the bank in New York City Federal Court for inadequate customer service concerning his checks' routing numbers, and asked for damages of "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" plus an additional "$200,164,000 in compensatory damages." Judge Denny Chin appeared confused about the lawsuit, but gave Chiscolm 30 days to better explain his complaint. When the Plaintiff failed to do so, Judge Chin dismissed the suit. Coincidentally, the BBC News looked into the lawsuit, and reported that the first amount listed which is 1,784 followed by 21 zeros, is more money than exists on the entire planet. And I thought that was reserved for the World Series Of Poker winner...
"Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. What? (removes his shoe): 7 1/2. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Alright then."
For those of you who might be lacking a funny-bone, the COMEDY comes from the fact that no one calling would care what your shoe size is, whether seven-and-a-half or anything else. And the fact that he doesn't question the question, only gives the honest mundane answer. Welcome to my world! The TSA & Homeland Security are just about to step-up their passenger background checks, for anyone getting on an airplane in the US. People are used to calling their travel agents, booking a flight, and off they go. Now we're going to have to start asking for First name, middle name, last name, birthdate, gender of the traveler, and if they have a DHS-issued re-dress number (guess I'm going to have to find out what that is!). I can hardly wait. In this ultra-fast-paced world, where people get annoyed easily at even the slightest thing that might slow down their activities schedule, we're going to have to have this conversation over and over with people, until they get used to the idea that it's REQUIRED if you want to fly. Why? Put yourself in Homeland Security's place. Bill Johnson is wanting a plane ticket. Do you think when they try to do a background check, there will be more than 1 Bill Johnson? And what if he goes by Bill, but his real name is Clarence Willie Johnson? Not William or Bill as you might assume. But let's say his name was William Johnson. There's still gotta be many tens of thousands of them. But if you check William Wayne Johnson, who was born on Aug. 8, 1947 it dramatically narrows the field. That's the whole point of this exercise, to make it so we're all safer in the skies and on the ground. The background checks will be looking not only for people on terror watchlists, but deadbeat parents, people wanted by The Law, and so on. At least to this point they haven't asked for shoe size, so John Cleese is safe within his classic comedy bit from becoming commonplace. I figured I'd just mention it here, so my millions and billions of international followers and devotees would be up to date. I'm pretty sure I'm that popular, but it could be less.
CNN online has an interesting story today about Travel & Leisure Magazine's idea of the World's Ugliest Buildings. I've got to admit some of them are pretty cool looking (from a drunken sailor kind of standpoint), but yes there are some stinkers in there as well. Here's a link, and you can decide for yourself:
http://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/the-worlds-ugliest-buildings/1/
Procter & Gamble announced that it will once again create and host a public restroom for the holidays in New York City's Times Square, as a promotion for Charmin tissue. Last year's installation was specially outfitted toilet facilities, but this year P&G is going to upgrade the promotion. They're hiring five bloggers called Charmin Ambassadors, to "interact" with the expected "hundreds of thousands of bathroom guests" and write about their experiences with Charmin tissue on the company's Web site. They even want people to include "family-friendly" photographs. P&G is calling the campaign "Enjoy the Go." I've renamed it "New York City - It's Craptastic." So there, P&G - let's see which name consumers pick up on.
With lawsuits piling up against Bank of America, a man named Dalton Chiscolm found a new angle to try to strike gold. In September, he sued the bank in New York City Federal Court for inadequate customer service concerning his checks' routing numbers, and asked for damages of "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" plus an additional "$200,164,000 in compensatory damages." Judge Denny Chin appeared confused about the lawsuit, but gave Chiscolm 30 days to better explain his complaint. When the Plaintiff failed to do so, Judge Chin dismissed the suit. Coincidentally, the BBC News looked into the lawsuit, and reported that the first amount listed which is 1,784 followed by 21 zeros, is more money than exists on the entire planet. And I thought that was reserved for the World Series Of Poker winner...
Friday, November 13, 2009
What About Bob (Part II)
I'm a big fan of originality. There's nothing better than hearing a comedian tell a story or a joke you've never heard before, and you wonder how that person had the singular insight to find such a 1-of-a-kind revelation after the ba-zillion comedians that had come before him. Some of the best movies ever made became classics because of their innovation ("You gotta go - you've never seen anything like it before").
And then there are cruise lines. For decades, they all strived to create or maintain a specific identity, but some time in the 80's with the advent of the Mega-liners, the differences started to blur a little. Then a lot. Today, you'd better have yourself a mighty fine travel agent (like ME!) to help distinguish one product from another. Certainly there are differences, but original thought seems to have gone overboard, lost at sea, most noticeably in 3 areas.
# 1) For years, people looked forward to going on a cruise and experiencing gourmet-level dining, in a social atmosphere where you would meet new friends to share the cruise with. You dined together nightly, swapping stories about what you did that day, and the pampering by your waiter made the experience truly special. Then one of the cruise lines came up with the idea of offering people the ability to come to dinner whenever they wanted, sit wherever they wanted, and they could be as anti-social as they darn well pleased. Since I'm a traditionalist when it comes to cruising, I found this to be a huge error in judgement. Sometimes there is a waiting line now. You may want the same waiter you had last night, but his section is full. Now you go to a new table and have to start the "I'm blank, and I do blank for a living, and we live in blank..." To me, that virtually ruins the dining experience, but the other cruise lines couldn't wait to play follow-the-leader. Now you have Freestyle. Any Time. My Time. Open Seating. Personal Choice. The list goes on, but dining on a cruise ship will never be the same.
2) Ships used to be sleek and elegant, able to carve through the ocean like a hot knife through butter. But they didn't hold enough passengers to keep growing profits. So someone came up with the idea of squared-off, boxy-looking ships that you can keep layering like an onion, making them taller and taller, longer and longer, wider and wider in search of a buck. Some of these ships are building marble walkways on the 11th or 12th deck, 100 feet above the water. Can you say TOP-HEAVY? Again, these measures are being done to enhance the bottom line more than the passenger experience.
3) Here's our brand new ship. Let's call it ________. I think you know where this is going, don't you? Carnival Splendour. Splendour of the Seas. Norwegian Dream. Carnival Dream. Disney Dream. Emerald Seas. Emerald Princess. Legend of the Seas. Carnival Legend. Spirit of Glacier Bay. Carnival Spirit. Aegean Spirit. Spirit of Adventure. Adventure of the Seas. And then there's Holland America, who believes in re-cycling! A few years back, they retired an older ship called the Noordam. So they built a new ship. Called it the Noordam. They've done the same thing with Nieuw Amsterdam, Rotterdam and others. So my suggestion? What about Bob? You could call your ships Tom, Dick and Harry and everyone would remember them as easy as pie. And if you retired Tom, Dick and Harry, they could be replaced by Snap, Crackle and Pop. Or Phyllis, Gladys and Wynnona. Who cares? Instead of rehashing the same old-same old, try something new. How about other nice names like Sunshine? Sunrise? Sunset? How about something elegant like The Carnival Rose? Champagne Princess? Or maybe Rainbow of the Seas? I guess you really can't, because then the other cruise lines would make the Petunia, The Dark Beer, or the Thunder Clap. Actually, I'd like to sail on the Thunder Clap. Sounds like a rip-roaring good time. Then again, the Carnival Bob sounds like a hoot as well. I'm not so sure the Bob Princess is appropriate, but hey - anything to break the monotony!
If you want to know the ins and outs of cruising, and who to sail on for the best experience, just contact Cap'n Bob. I'll lead you to the Promised Land of Vacation Glory (not to be confused with the Carnival Glory or the Ocean Glory).
PULL OVER, LADY! Do you know how SLOWLY you were going?
Police in Northern Wales are having to locate over 300 people they had issued tickets to since March 1st, in an attempt to REFUND more than $29,000 to those motorists. It seems the Police initially issued tickets for people driving TOO SLOWLY on a heavily-patrolled stretch of road - people doing 30 mph or less in a 40 mph zone. However, it was later discovered by the authorities that while they had been targeting that particular stretch of highway, the actual speed limit was 30mph through the area. All of the ticketed parties were completely innocent. None of the 300+ ticket-issuing Officers noticed that the speed limit had been lowered from 40 to 30 over a year ago, and The North Wales Police have apologized for the error.
And then there are cruise lines. For decades, they all strived to create or maintain a specific identity, but some time in the 80's with the advent of the Mega-liners, the differences started to blur a little. Then a lot. Today, you'd better have yourself a mighty fine travel agent (like ME!) to help distinguish one product from another. Certainly there are differences, but original thought seems to have gone overboard, lost at sea, most noticeably in 3 areas.
# 1) For years, people looked forward to going on a cruise and experiencing gourmet-level dining, in a social atmosphere where you would meet new friends to share the cruise with. You dined together nightly, swapping stories about what you did that day, and the pampering by your waiter made the experience truly special. Then one of the cruise lines came up with the idea of offering people the ability to come to dinner whenever they wanted, sit wherever they wanted, and they could be as anti-social as they darn well pleased. Since I'm a traditionalist when it comes to cruising, I found this to be a huge error in judgement. Sometimes there is a waiting line now. You may want the same waiter you had last night, but his section is full. Now you go to a new table and have to start the "I'm blank, and I do blank for a living, and we live in blank..." To me, that virtually ruins the dining experience, but the other cruise lines couldn't wait to play follow-the-leader. Now you have Freestyle. Any Time. My Time. Open Seating. Personal Choice. The list goes on, but dining on a cruise ship will never be the same.
2) Ships used to be sleek and elegant, able to carve through the ocean like a hot knife through butter. But they didn't hold enough passengers to keep growing profits. So someone came up with the idea of squared-off, boxy-looking ships that you can keep layering like an onion, making them taller and taller, longer and longer, wider and wider in search of a buck. Some of these ships are building marble walkways on the 11th or 12th deck, 100 feet above the water. Can you say TOP-HEAVY? Again, these measures are being done to enhance the bottom line more than the passenger experience.
3) Here's our brand new ship. Let's call it ________. I think you know where this is going, don't you? Carnival Splendour. Splendour of the Seas. Norwegian Dream. Carnival Dream. Disney Dream. Emerald Seas. Emerald Princess. Legend of the Seas. Carnival Legend. Spirit of Glacier Bay. Carnival Spirit. Aegean Spirit. Spirit of Adventure. Adventure of the Seas. And then there's Holland America, who believes in re-cycling! A few years back, they retired an older ship called the Noordam. So they built a new ship. Called it the Noordam. They've done the same thing with Nieuw Amsterdam, Rotterdam and others. So my suggestion? What about Bob? You could call your ships Tom, Dick and Harry and everyone would remember them as easy as pie. And if you retired Tom, Dick and Harry, they could be replaced by Snap, Crackle and Pop. Or Phyllis, Gladys and Wynnona. Who cares? Instead of rehashing the same old-same old, try something new. How about other nice names like Sunshine? Sunrise? Sunset? How about something elegant like The Carnival Rose? Champagne Princess? Or maybe Rainbow of the Seas? I guess you really can't, because then the other cruise lines would make the Petunia, The Dark Beer, or the Thunder Clap. Actually, I'd like to sail on the Thunder Clap. Sounds like a rip-roaring good time. Then again, the Carnival Bob sounds like a hoot as well. I'm not so sure the Bob Princess is appropriate, but hey - anything to break the monotony!
If you want to know the ins and outs of cruising, and who to sail on for the best experience, just contact Cap'n Bob. I'll lead you to the Promised Land of Vacation Glory (not to be confused with the Carnival Glory or the Ocean Glory).
PULL OVER, LADY! Do you know how SLOWLY you were going?
Police in Northern Wales are having to locate over 300 people they had issued tickets to since March 1st, in an attempt to REFUND more than $29,000 to those motorists. It seems the Police initially issued tickets for people driving TOO SLOWLY on a heavily-patrolled stretch of road - people doing 30 mph or less in a 40 mph zone. However, it was later discovered by the authorities that while they had been targeting that particular stretch of highway, the actual speed limit was 30mph through the area. All of the ticketed parties were completely innocent. None of the 300+ ticket-issuing Officers noticed that the speed limit had been lowered from 40 to 30 over a year ago, and The North Wales Police have apologized for the error.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Ida Wanna Nuther Hurricane!
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water (off Nicaragua). While it's not a common sight, this mostly-quiet 2009 hurricane season has spawned a couple of late-comers. The Pacific side got whacked about a week ago, and now Ida has raised her ugly 75mph head deep in the Caribbean. It wouldn't be so bad for us if she would have just spun into land and been a rainmaker, but now Ida is heading North. Due North. As in through the Cozumel/Cancun area and a beeline towards New Orleans. If there's any good news at all, and this is a reach, it's that the Gulf of Mexico has cooled down quite a bit, which should keep Ida from fueling herself into a real monster. But every computer model shows her heading to that little patch from New Orleans to the furthest tip of the Florida panhandle. That's likely to mess up all the Western Caribbean cruise itineraries over the next few days at least. You can ask any of my clients who book from June to December, and almost the 1st words out of my mouth are "Let's look for something out of the hurricane zone." Some listen, some don't. But those who don't always remember after-the-fact that I tried to move them to a safer environment. Weather is weather, and anything can happen. But being a Vegas guy, I always try to play with the odds in my favor. If any substantial news comes up in the next few days, I'll try to update those of you who use me as your weather source instead of CNN or the Weather Channel (like THEY would know anything!).
Snakes On A Plane (sort of)
Customs officers in Norway were amazed to find 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to a man's body last Sunday. The unidentified man was arrested after disembarking a ferry from Denmark. Norwegian Officials say he was trying to illegally import the reptiles into the country. "I've seen a lot of things in my time," said Customs agent Olie Bjornsen, "but I'm amazed that he could stand having live reptiles moving all over him like that." His bounty of illegal pets was discovered after agents had found a tarantula in his luggage, prompting a full body search. When questioned why the tarantula was in his bag, I'm guessing her probably said something like "Well, where would you THINK I'd keep a tarantula? You'd have to be an idiot to strap a tarantula to yourself. Ewwww!!" Plead insanity, dude. It's your only shot.
An Oxford Ohio man found himself in big trouble on Halloween night. Police stopped James P. Miller, age 20, for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. Oxford police said when they stopped Miller, they found multiple open beer cans in his front seat, with plenty more in the trunk. The accused DUI driver blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test, almost double the legal limit in Ohio, and he was cited on numerous charges including also having a fake ID in his possession. While this case is sadly too common, the reason I mentioned it is because of the costume Miller was wearing at the time of his arrest.
He was dressed as a Breathalyzer machine.
Be careful what you wish for, son...
Snakes On A Plane (sort of)
Customs officers in Norway were amazed to find 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to a man's body last Sunday. The unidentified man was arrested after disembarking a ferry from Denmark. Norwegian Officials say he was trying to illegally import the reptiles into the country. "I've seen a lot of things in my time," said Customs agent Olie Bjornsen, "but I'm amazed that he could stand having live reptiles moving all over him like that." His bounty of illegal pets was discovered after agents had found a tarantula in his luggage, prompting a full body search. When questioned why the tarantula was in his bag, I'm guessing her probably said something like "Well, where would you THINK I'd keep a tarantula? You'd have to be an idiot to strap a tarantula to yourself. Ewwww!!" Plead insanity, dude. It's your only shot.
An Oxford Ohio man found himself in big trouble on Halloween night. Police stopped James P. Miller, age 20, for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. Oxford police said when they stopped Miller, they found multiple open beer cans in his front seat, with plenty more in the trunk. The accused DUI driver blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test, almost double the legal limit in Ohio, and he was cited on numerous charges including also having a fake ID in his possession. While this case is sadly too common, the reason I mentioned it is because of the costume Miller was wearing at the time of his arrest.
He was dressed as a Breathalyzer machine.
Be careful what you wish for, son...
Friday, October 23, 2009
Hang On Soupy!
I wish he still COULD hang on, but unfortunately TV funny-man Soupy Sales died last night, at the age of 83. I was fortunate enough to grow up in the 50's and 60's, when TV was still experimenting, trying to find its footing, what it was and what it could be. Very un-like the trite formulas, copycat re-writing and animated everything that's out there now. As a boy, all I wanted to do was GET OUT OF SCHOOL and go play. Didn't matter if it was baseball, football, exploring sewers, throwing stuff at other stuff, it was just the best part of every day. In fact, it was hard to even get me to come in for dinner, if there was still light outside. But there was one thing that got me to come in. The Soupy Sales Show. Corny, crazy, and WAY more adult than most parents realized, there was something about this guy that just made you laugh out loud. Unfortunately, he got a little too "adult" on his live broadcast a couple of times, and parental complaints led to it going off the air prematurely. Soupy later tried his hand at film (Birds Do It), and had a few stints on game shows where the next generation became mildly aware of him, but unless you witnessed the creativity and daring of his live comedy show, you never really saw him at his best. Or worst, depending on your point of view. Most girls never got Soupy Sales. Like they don't get The 3 Stooges. That's ok though, because most guys never got The Brady Bunch or Family Affair. But for pure wackiness or zaniness (the amount of wack or zane in your humor), Soupy Sales ruled.
Now that I'm on the subject of my youth, I'll list my favorite TV shows from my formative years so you can get an idea of why I am who I am today. These are not necessarily in the order I would rank them. But I'll tell you my favorite show of all time was The Fugitive with David Janssen. Absolutely the best-cast lead role of all time. My faves:
The Fugitive
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Combat!
Twilight Zone
The Ed Sullivan Show (Beatles)
Ben Casey
Green Acres
The Soupy Sales Show
Any 3 Stooges that was not a movie
Streets Of San Francisco
Your Show Of Shows (Sid Caesar)
Mission Impossible
and...a few years later:
Monty Python's Flying Circus
Yeah, I watched I Love Lucy, Gunsmoke, Flipper, Wagon Train, Dick Van Dyke or whatever else my parents had on the screen, but those were just things to watch. The ones that set the tone for my sense of humor, drama and that helped mold my personality were the biggies on that list. The night The Beatles played on Ed Sullivan changed the course of my life forever. That night I became a musician, which led to getting a job years later working on a cruise ship, and now I'm here. Thank you Paul, John, George and Ringo - it's been quite a ride. My favorite "stupid comedy" of all time is Green Acres, and my favorite character was farm agent Hank Kimball, who was played by a man named Alvy Moore. One day I was working as a Purser on Carnival's "Tropicale" out of Los Angeles, and was in the main lounge helping sell tour tickets. Off to my right, I heard a voice buying shore excursions, and I immediately looked over and said "I know you - you're Alvy Moore!" The man had a stunned look on his face, and came over to talk to me after the tour sales had concluded. He said "Actually, my name is Jack Moore but when I became an actor somebody was already using that name, so I had to become Alvy Moore. But normally people come up and call me Hank Kimball - how did you know my real name?" I explained that he was my favorite character, and it's just one of those things I knew and remembered. He introduced me to his wife, and for the next few days I was able to hang out with him on the ship, have a couple of beers together, and just talk about stuff. That was very cool. It's also a bit strange that my two favorite TV characters ever were Hank Kimball and Dr. Richard Kimble.
Some things never change. And there are others that do, but probably shouldn't. According to the Honolulu Advertiser newspaper, a woman filed paperwork to have her name legally changed. Her name was Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanihenoheno Kam Paghmani, which she felt was uncomfortably long. Imagine that! She filed to change it to Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanihenoheno Kam, dropping the surname Paghmani. Now that's progress.
You go, girlfriend.
Now that I'm on the subject of my youth, I'll list my favorite TV shows from my formative years so you can get an idea of why I am who I am today. These are not necessarily in the order I would rank them. But I'll tell you my favorite show of all time was The Fugitive with David Janssen. Absolutely the best-cast lead role of all time. My faves:
The Fugitive
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Combat!
Twilight Zone
The Ed Sullivan Show (Beatles)
Ben Casey
Green Acres
The Soupy Sales Show
Any 3 Stooges that was not a movie
Streets Of San Francisco
Your Show Of Shows (Sid Caesar)
Mission Impossible
and...a few years later:
Monty Python's Flying Circus
Yeah, I watched I Love Lucy, Gunsmoke, Flipper, Wagon Train, Dick Van Dyke or whatever else my parents had on the screen, but those were just things to watch. The ones that set the tone for my sense of humor, drama and that helped mold my personality were the biggies on that list. The night The Beatles played on Ed Sullivan changed the course of my life forever. That night I became a musician, which led to getting a job years later working on a cruise ship, and now I'm here. Thank you Paul, John, George and Ringo - it's been quite a ride. My favorite "stupid comedy" of all time is Green Acres, and my favorite character was farm agent Hank Kimball, who was played by a man named Alvy Moore. One day I was working as a Purser on Carnival's "Tropicale" out of Los Angeles, and was in the main lounge helping sell tour tickets. Off to my right, I heard a voice buying shore excursions, and I immediately looked over and said "I know you - you're Alvy Moore!" The man had a stunned look on his face, and came over to talk to me after the tour sales had concluded. He said "Actually, my name is Jack Moore but when I became an actor somebody was already using that name, so I had to become Alvy Moore. But normally people come up and call me Hank Kimball - how did you know my real name?" I explained that he was my favorite character, and it's just one of those things I knew and remembered. He introduced me to his wife, and for the next few days I was able to hang out with him on the ship, have a couple of beers together, and just talk about stuff. That was very cool. It's also a bit strange that my two favorite TV characters ever were Hank Kimball and Dr. Richard Kimble.
Some things never change. And there are others that do, but probably shouldn't. According to the Honolulu Advertiser newspaper, a woman filed paperwork to have her name legally changed. Her name was Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanihenoheno Kam Paghmani, which she felt was uncomfortably long. Imagine that! She filed to change it to Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanihenoheno Kam, dropping the surname Paghmani. Now that's progress.
You go, girlfriend.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
What about BOB?
My last name is Birthisel. My Dad had the good fortune to be born into a family of comedians, who without hesitation hung the name Prescott Ariel Birthisel on him. He lived with it for about 20 years, but upon joining the Coast Guard his drill instructor asked him his name. "Prescott Ariel Birthisel, SIR!" came the sharp reply. Sharper yet was the drill instructor's comeback:
"That's not the name of a human, son. That sounds like a goat. Prescott Ariel Birthisel just ate my shoes. You are a human, son, although I might question that with a last name of Birthisel. Whenever I need you, I'm going to just say 'Bert' and you will respond. Is that understood? From this day forward you are Bert. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"
Apparently so, because from that day forward he WAS Bert, allowing only the occasional relative such as his Mother to call him Prescott. When Dad married Mom, his first words to her were "If we have sons they'll be Bill and Bob, and if we have daughters they'll be Mary and Sue." Oh, did I mention he had an Aunt Anasthasia Keppleblossom Birthisel? Yeah, Mary and Sue ought to solve that little life-dilemma. Turns out, no girls every popped into the picture, just Bill and Bob as advertised. It still leaves me with my twisted little mind, so that when someone asks my name and I say Bob Birthisel, and they say "spell that," I always say B-O-B. The reason I brought it up in the first place is because celebrities these days seem to go out of their way to find a name that will live in infamy for their kids. Gwyneth Paltrow seemed to think Apple sounded like a nice human name. Michael Jackson has Blanket. Nicklaus Cage named his son Kal-El (the Kryptonian name for the guy we know as Superman). Jason Lee of "My Name Is Earl" has a young'un named Pilot Inspektor and no, that's not misspelled. Did you know David Duchovny and Tea Leoni had a kid? Yep...named him Kyd. Sylvester Stallone must have been re-living his Rambo years when he named his child Sage Moonblood. Kind of makes Prescott Ariel Birthisel sound sing-songy in the grand scheme of things. Well, now there's Nicole Ritchie who decided 3 names certainly were not enough for her sprout, Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Sparrow. For a little boy. A little boy who is absolutely certain to get the crud kicked out of him, every day of his life until he learns to go by James (Midnight won't fare much better than Sparrow). I had to Google a picture of a sparrow, just to see why that name might fit. Just a non-descript gray-and-brown little bird. Certain birds work as names for humans. Raven works well for girls with jet-black hair. Hawk sounds kind of tough. Just about everyone knows someone named Jay. But Sparrow? I don't get it. I'm guessing if Nicole's Dad Lionel Ritchie had used a drunken sense of humor, and named her Octoberspicket Pansy Foofaw Witchy Ritchie, her sons wouldn't be going through this. Bill and Bob, they'd be...
In case you still have thoughts of getting away before the end of 2009, you'll be pleasantly surprised that while the Dow has passed 10,000, cruise prices have dipped to near-historic lows for last-minute travelers. Even Christmas and New Year's cruises that are normally 2-3 times the standard price are offering some respite on pricing. Not necessarily if you need a "special" cabin that holds 4 or 5 people, but I'm still seeing very fair double occupancy rates out there, almost across the board. They won't last long, though. So if you still have that get-outta-town Jones poking at you, pick up your phone and call The Cap'n.
HALLOWEEN XVII- Jason, is that you?!
In Los Angeles, it's not uncommon for people to go all-out decorating their homes or apartments for special occasions. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and in particular Halloween will draw lots of creative people out of the woodwork, trying to spice up the neighborhood. Ghosts and ghouls and ghastly sights are the norm in October. But neighbors in one area of LA were transfixed by the realism of a balcony display, as they walked their puppies or jogged around the block. There he was, a scraggly gray corpse drooped over in a chair, with "blood" flowing down the side of his face in the spookiest way. Lots of people commented on it, and told their friends to check it out. After 4 days passed, there was a strange, ever-so-bad smell that started to permeate the neighborhood. Upon closer inspection, passers-by realized it was the actual body of a 75-year-old man, who had been decorating the balcony for Halloween, when he apparently got into the spirit a bit too much and shot himself in the head. Authorities were called, and have ruled the death an apparent suicide. Not sure what's going to happen with the 5 unopened bags of candy found inside his aparment, but maybe Sparrow can come over and hand out packets of birdseed.
"That's not the name of a human, son. That sounds like a goat. Prescott Ariel Birthisel just ate my shoes. You are a human, son, although I might question that with a last name of Birthisel. Whenever I need you, I'm going to just say 'Bert' and you will respond. Is that understood? From this day forward you are Bert. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"
Apparently so, because from that day forward he WAS Bert, allowing only the occasional relative such as his Mother to call him Prescott. When Dad married Mom, his first words to her were "If we have sons they'll be Bill and Bob, and if we have daughters they'll be Mary and Sue." Oh, did I mention he had an Aunt Anasthasia Keppleblossom Birthisel? Yeah, Mary and Sue ought to solve that little life-dilemma. Turns out, no girls every popped into the picture, just Bill and Bob as advertised. It still leaves me with my twisted little mind, so that when someone asks my name and I say Bob Birthisel, and they say "spell that," I always say B-O-B. The reason I brought it up in the first place is because celebrities these days seem to go out of their way to find a name that will live in infamy for their kids. Gwyneth Paltrow seemed to think Apple sounded like a nice human name. Michael Jackson has Blanket. Nicklaus Cage named his son Kal-El (the Kryptonian name for the guy we know as Superman). Jason Lee of "My Name Is Earl" has a young'un named Pilot Inspektor and no, that's not misspelled. Did you know David Duchovny and Tea Leoni had a kid? Yep...named him Kyd. Sylvester Stallone must have been re-living his Rambo years when he named his child Sage Moonblood. Kind of makes Prescott Ariel Birthisel sound sing-songy in the grand scheme of things. Well, now there's Nicole Ritchie who decided 3 names certainly were not enough for her sprout, Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Sparrow. For a little boy. A little boy who is absolutely certain to get the crud kicked out of him, every day of his life until he learns to go by James (Midnight won't fare much better than Sparrow). I had to Google a picture of a sparrow, just to see why that name might fit. Just a non-descript gray-and-brown little bird. Certain birds work as names for humans. Raven works well for girls with jet-black hair. Hawk sounds kind of tough. Just about everyone knows someone named Jay. But Sparrow? I don't get it. I'm guessing if Nicole's Dad Lionel Ritchie had used a drunken sense of humor, and named her Octoberspicket Pansy Foofaw Witchy Ritchie, her sons wouldn't be going through this. Bill and Bob, they'd be...
In case you still have thoughts of getting away before the end of 2009, you'll be pleasantly surprised that while the Dow has passed 10,000, cruise prices have dipped to near-historic lows for last-minute travelers. Even Christmas and New Year's cruises that are normally 2-3 times the standard price are offering some respite on pricing. Not necessarily if you need a "special" cabin that holds 4 or 5 people, but I'm still seeing very fair double occupancy rates out there, almost across the board. They won't last long, though. So if you still have that get-outta-town Jones poking at you, pick up your phone and call The Cap'n.
HALLOWEEN XVII- Jason, is that you?!
In Los Angeles, it's not uncommon for people to go all-out decorating their homes or apartments for special occasions. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and in particular Halloween will draw lots of creative people out of the woodwork, trying to spice up the neighborhood. Ghosts and ghouls and ghastly sights are the norm in October. But neighbors in one area of LA were transfixed by the realism of a balcony display, as they walked their puppies or jogged around the block. There he was, a scraggly gray corpse drooped over in a chair, with "blood" flowing down the side of his face in the spookiest way. Lots of people commented on it, and told their friends to check it out. After 4 days passed, there was a strange, ever-so-bad smell that started to permeate the neighborhood. Upon closer inspection, passers-by realized it was the actual body of a 75-year-old man, who had been decorating the balcony for Halloween, when he apparently got into the spirit a bit too much and shot himself in the head. Authorities were called, and have ruled the death an apparent suicide. Not sure what's going to happen with the 5 unopened bags of candy found inside his aparment, but maybe Sparrow can come over and hand out packets of birdseed.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
VACATION, All I Ever Wanted!
Never a big fan of the GoGo's in the 80's, but that classic line really stands out today. USAToday on line has an interesting article today, called the "Great Airline Sale of 2009 may be nearing an end." It's talking about how hard the airline industry was hit during the recession, and many carriers threw open their arms, welcoming travelers to book at money-losing ticket prices. As an example, Southwest was running a deal for $99 each way, to just about anywhere they flew. Now that has slowly crept up to $149 each way. Do the math, and waiting for a better deal has already cost you $100 per person. Other airlines are following suit with the rate increases, gently edging prices upward, in at least an attempt at regaining some of their former profitability. That means the vacation you've postponed, waiting for prices to go even lower, is just about to pull the welcome mat out from under you! Don't worry, it's not too late, if you pick up the phone to call me, or point and click your mouse to email me (or for those of you who are super-cool with the mouse-less keyboard, just rub and aim and press or whatever you do to contact somebody). Bottom line, I deal with a number of wholesalers who still have "bulk" air prices available to high-tourism destinations, when combined with a hotel stay. These bulk prices are often LOWER than what's available to the general public who tries to piece together a flight and hotel vacation. But availability is tightening, there's no doubt about that. Every day you sit and wait for the next big thing, it's putting you another day behind the proverbial 8-Ball, and costing you your hard-earned cash. Hotels, resorts and cruise ships all have wonderful price breaks going on, so VACATION is still within your grasp. Free nights, discount rates, extra amenities, spa and golf credits, you name it and they're offering it. Biblically speaking, "This too shall pass!" None of the hotels, ships etc. wants to give their product away long-term, so while the marketplace is working in your favor, you need to drop what you're doing and drop some coin on a vacation. Your wife or husband or kids or grandparents or whomever will love you for it! Don't have any of the above? Traveling single? Even more important to call now. When traveling as a single, you're always paying a premium or supplement, and this type of hotel/resort/cruise special pricing puts money right back in your pocket by lowering your overall cost. And many of the best deals are for people who can get up and go before the end of 2009. Once the Holiday Season and Old Man Winter hits, all bets are off. People who live in Northern states and Canada will pay anything to get warm, and the suppliers know that! It's called High Season, and it comes every year. So take advantage of getting away before the Holiday Season, before the big ball drops in Times Square, and you'll save the most money possible on your VACATION - Isn't that all you ever wanted?
Mmmmmm....Guppy Tartar
According to Police in California, a woman recently had a spat with her ex-husband, after he took back some jewelry he had given her. When he refused to return the jewelry, police say the woman took matters into her own hands. Then into her own stomach. The ex-husband returned home, and found that his 7 pet goldfish were missing. He called Police, saying he was sure his ex was to blame for the disappearance of the golden guppies. When officers went to the woman's house to confront her, she didn't deny it at all, saying only "They're in the kitchen." That's where officers found 4 of the 7 goldfish, fried on a plate with some French fries and a side salad. When asked where the other 3 were, she calmly replied, "I already ate those." After further investigation, Police say no charges will be filed, because the fish were purchased when the two people were still a couple, and thus are considered community property.
In a related story, McDonald's is looking for ways to add Fishy McBites to their .99cent super-value menu. Coincidence?
Mmmmmm....Guppy Tartar
According to Police in California, a woman recently had a spat with her ex-husband, after he took back some jewelry he had given her. When he refused to return the jewelry, police say the woman took matters into her own hands. Then into her own stomach. The ex-husband returned home, and found that his 7 pet goldfish were missing. He called Police, saying he was sure his ex was to blame for the disappearance of the golden guppies. When officers went to the woman's house to confront her, she didn't deny it at all, saying only "They're in the kitchen." That's where officers found 4 of the 7 goldfish, fried on a plate with some French fries and a side salad. When asked where the other 3 were, she calmly replied, "I already ate those." After further investigation, Police say no charges will be filed, because the fish were purchased when the two people were still a couple, and thus are considered community property.
In a related story, McDonald's is looking for ways to add Fishy McBites to their .99cent super-value menu. Coincidence?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Blanketty Blanc!
While my blog normally emphasizes travel-related items or bizarre niche comedy, sometimes I just want to become One with the Universe. Today is one of those days. If you've read my autobiographical material on here (and OF COURSE you already have, because I'm so interesting), you know that music is an important part of my life. Having been a musician for years, I've railed against the fact that most music died a painful death years ago, when rap and hip-hop took over from melody and harmony. But I still visit one of my favorite websites, http://www.melodicrock.com/ for the latest rock news and CD reviews, and over the years I've discovered a lot of unknown talent - at least unknown in the USA. Two of my favorite bands, Gotthard from Switzerland, and House Of Lords (actually from LA!) were among the gems plucked from this site. Today, there's another. Two very unassuming-looking brothers from the west coast of France, Robbie and Brian LeBlanc. The name of their band is the BLANC FACES, and they write impeccably-crafted songs, with excellent storytelling lyrics, unexpected melody and rhythm patterns, surprisingly-catchy vocals, super-tight backup musicians, and nobody's ever heard of them in the US. Well, let's change that! They have a CD out from 2005 that received excellent critical reviews in Europe, and a new CD is coming in November of 2009. It will be called "Falling From The Moon." Here is a link to watch the title track on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qACZAcyq0pI (crank it up)
My normal lean is towards a heavier rock side, but when I see talent like this I stand up and take notice. I'll be all over the new CD when it breaks, and you should be able to pick it up on Ebay or Amazon, if your local store doesn't carry it. Their bandmembers collectively have worked with such artists as Toto, John Mellencamp, Survivor, Bobbie Kimball and Ronnie Spector, to name a few. Unknown, unheard, but really GOOD STUFF from Blanc Faces!
Chalk One Up For High-Tech:
Police in Oklahoma City confirm that 3 people tried to rob a suburban apartment over the weekend, but were foiled from halfway around the World. Maribel Chouinard, the wife of a Tinker Air Force Base Master Sergeant, is living in the Philippines while her husband is currently stationed State-side in Oklahoma. She happened to check the webcam the couple uses to communicate, and saw 3 men burglarizing their home. She immediately called her husband, who in turn called Police Chief Brandon Clabes, and officers were able to nab the suspects, who were found near the apartment with numerous items from the home when they arrived. Chief Clabes says all three were identified via the internet, from a photo lineup e-mailed to Mrs. Chouinard in the Philippines. Book 'em, Danno.
I said, "Thou Shalt Not" and I MEANT it!
Police in New Brighton, PA (near Pittsburgh) said a woman attending a church service there put a forged $50 check in the offering plate. The bank told the Pastor of First Presbyterian Church in New Brighton that the check he deposited came back, having come from a stolen checking account. Immediately after that same church service, another member of the congregation reported her wallet had been taken, apparently right out of the pew where she had been seated. New Brighton police Chief Charles Van Fossan said Tuesday they have a description of the suspect, and they're searching for a 20-something-year-old woman. The suspect appears to have also used a credit card from the stolen wallet, to buy $200 worth of merchandise from a nearby dollar store (if my math is right, that's 200 items). Police said the woman matches the description of a suspect who stole a credit card from another church a week earlier, and tried to get a $16,000 cash advance. The bank declined her request. Forget about the Po-Lice. This loser will be answering to a Higher Power down the road. Good luck with that, Nadine...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qACZAcyq0pI (crank it up)
My normal lean is towards a heavier rock side, but when I see talent like this I stand up and take notice. I'll be all over the new CD when it breaks, and you should be able to pick it up on Ebay or Amazon, if your local store doesn't carry it. Their bandmembers collectively have worked with such artists as Toto, John Mellencamp, Survivor, Bobbie Kimball and Ronnie Spector, to name a few. Unknown, unheard, but really GOOD STUFF from Blanc Faces!
Chalk One Up For High-Tech:
Police in Oklahoma City confirm that 3 people tried to rob a suburban apartment over the weekend, but were foiled from halfway around the World. Maribel Chouinard, the wife of a Tinker Air Force Base Master Sergeant, is living in the Philippines while her husband is currently stationed State-side in Oklahoma. She happened to check the webcam the couple uses to communicate, and saw 3 men burglarizing their home. She immediately called her husband, who in turn called Police Chief Brandon Clabes, and officers were able to nab the suspects, who were found near the apartment with numerous items from the home when they arrived. Chief Clabes says all three were identified via the internet, from a photo lineup e-mailed to Mrs. Chouinard in the Philippines. Book 'em, Danno.
I said, "Thou Shalt Not" and I MEANT it!
Police in New Brighton, PA (near Pittsburgh) said a woman attending a church service there put a forged $50 check in the offering plate. The bank told the Pastor of First Presbyterian Church in New Brighton that the check he deposited came back, having come from a stolen checking account. Immediately after that same church service, another member of the congregation reported her wallet had been taken, apparently right out of the pew where she had been seated. New Brighton police Chief Charles Van Fossan said Tuesday they have a description of the suspect, and they're searching for a 20-something-year-old woman. The suspect appears to have also used a credit card from the stolen wallet, to buy $200 worth of merchandise from a nearby dollar store (if my math is right, that's 200 items). Police said the woman matches the description of a suspect who stole a credit card from another church a week earlier, and tried to get a $16,000 cash advance. The bank declined her request. Forget about the Po-Lice. This loser will be answering to a Higher Power down the road. Good luck with that, Nadine...
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