Some folks are Disneyholics. They visit there, honeymoon there, take their babies there, have family reunions there, all because of the Righteous Rodent his-own self. I'll admit, I've always had a soft spot for theme parks and thrill rides, but for me I can walk away without feeling a "Jones" in my veins. Not some folks. Nothing is enough. CONGRATULATIONS! Disney has something just for you!
It was just announced that Disney World in Orlando is planning to open the Golden Oaks community in 2011. And you can be part of it, for a mere $25,000 down. Is it some kind of hotel? Time Share? Nope - for the Disneyholic it's WAY better. Disney has set aside just under 1,000 acres of land to develop a luxury residential community of some 450 homes INSIDE DISNEY WORLD, which will range from about $1.5 million to $8 million apiece. That's right. Disney World no longer has to be your "home away from home" - it can really be your HOME! The initial design has the homes built to look like a Mediterranean village (minus, well - the Mediterranean). Residents will have a private clubhouse, a full-service spa...treatments not included, of course...concierge service, access to a golf course, and BIG MICE, DUCKS AND DOGS walking around nearby. Pretty much what every American family needs, don't you think? I know it's my dream. Even though this formula might not work for everyone, it should be perfect for rich people whose main goal in life is to see their daughter grow up to be, eh...Cinderalla?
Planet (Hollywood) Of The Apes?
Scientists in Switzerland have completed a study they claim proves that monkeys enjoy doing one of humans' favorite activities. The study, published in a Swiss online scientific journal, looked at the behavior of a 3-year-old male rhesus monkey, using technology to examine the blood flow of the monkey's brain when watching TV. The claim is that the monkey's frontal lobe became very active when watching a video of a circus elephant, giraffe and tiger performing. That activity is similar to what happens when a human baby sees its mother smile. Personally, I think the study is flawed. The monkey should have been made to sit through thousands of "coming up next" promos, an endless stream of Geico commercials, about 20 minutes of Fox News (if he could stomach it), some mixed martial arts and WWE wrestling on "Spike", a few dozen episodes of Dr. Phil, Oprah, South Park, Hell's Kitchen and Antiques Roadshow, and THEN measure his brain scan. If they did that, they'd receive a certain activity pattern, which would roughly translate into "Yow -- and I thought MY species was screwed up!"
A Wisconsin couple who met in Aisle 9 of the Copps Grocery Store in Wautoma last year, decided they would be married there this past week. Marty Czarnecki says he was working in the store's liquor aisle when Denise Irvine came in to buy wine. He said they just "got to talking" and one thing led do another. Ms. Irvine says she doesn't do anything traditional, so she really liked the idea of a grocery-store wedding. Members of the wedding party and invited guests shouted, "cleanup on Aisle 9" after toilet paper streamers flew through the air, over the newlyweds. When asked where the reception would be, the groom smiled and said "3 aisles over, in Bakery...of course."
The most important part of that story should not be overlooked -- they have a LIQUOR AISLE in the grocery stores in Wisconsin! Mable, where's my hat?!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Excitement That Is Soccer
Everybody's on the edge of their seats this morning, as the powerhouse Team USA tackles the pesky "Remember that time we scored a goal?" Algeria team. Quick: name any Algerian. Ever! Me neither, though that probably says more about our educational system than it does about the fame and fortune of the good people of Algeria. I know I'm supposed to have my face painted red-white-and-blue, and be all energetic, but soccer is its own beast and that beast has a hypnotic eye and a squalid breath that frankly puts me to sleep. The fact that soccer translates to TV with all the excitement of checkers or badminton, doesn't do it any favors either.
So how do you fix soccer? EASY-PEASY! Just let The Guru be in charge of the World Cup, and I'll make it all better and stuff.
Here's what you do: For you non-soccer-aficionados, there is a goalie (keep him or her). There are 2 forwards (keep them, but tell them to quit taking acting lessons from the WWE's Vince McMahon). Now we're getting somewhere. The issue with soccer is you have 4 midfielders and 4 defenders. Too many humans in one place to produce action. If the middle of the field is where you funnel action, the action is clogged with a hairball of players! Time for my Roto-Rooter solution. You emphasize to every player that there is NO LONGER ANY SUCH THING AS A TIE. Is there a tie at Wimbledon? The Super Bowl? The World Series? The Masters? No, because those are SPORTS, and SPORTS DON'T HAVE TIES for Heaven's sake. So again, you tell the players there are not going to be any more ties. If you guys can't settle the tally by the time 90 minutes are up, we're not going to go with that lame "shootout" that's in place. Nope. Ancient history, and it doesn't tell who is the better team at all. It only says who is better (luckier) at doing a point-blank shot. That's all.
Here's the BIG FIX: After 90 minutes, if there is a tie game, each team must remove a midfielder and a defender. 5 minutes are added to the clock. If neither team scores, you remove another midfielder and another defender. Another 5 minute period, and so on. Eventually, it would come down to a goalie and a forward for each team, until somebody scores. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just fixed soccer to the point that an American audience would not only tolerate it, they could get behind it!
You're welcome.
A woman from Portsmouth, England has an unusual way of marking every day of her life, but it's not quite a "Dear Diary" moment. Patti Gaal-Holmes has collected more than 32,000 used tea bags during her life, as a way of documenting her existence. The 44-year-old Gaal-Holmes says, "I adore drinking tea, and I save the teabags as a way of reminding me the differences between one day's experience and another." To save them, she dabs the used bag on some paper and then numbers it, noting who she drank tea with, and anything interesting they talked about. She then dries the bag in the sunshine or on a radiator, before storing it in one of three large suitcases. Patti notes there is a somewhat dusky smell to her apartment, but she finds it quite comforting. Her collecting quest began more than 11 years ago,and some of her used bags have been displayed at a local gallery.
I'm sure Ms. Gaal-Holmes also likes soccer just the way it is, but I say it's time to turn over a new tea leaf. Bag it, Patti.
So how do you fix soccer? EASY-PEASY! Just let The Guru be in charge of the World Cup, and I'll make it all better and stuff.
Here's what you do: For you non-soccer-aficionados, there is a goalie (keep him or her). There are 2 forwards (keep them, but tell them to quit taking acting lessons from the WWE's Vince McMahon). Now we're getting somewhere. The issue with soccer is you have 4 midfielders and 4 defenders. Too many humans in one place to produce action. If the middle of the field is where you funnel action, the action is clogged with a hairball of players! Time for my Roto-Rooter solution. You emphasize to every player that there is NO LONGER ANY SUCH THING AS A TIE. Is there a tie at Wimbledon? The Super Bowl? The World Series? The Masters? No, because those are SPORTS, and SPORTS DON'T HAVE TIES for Heaven's sake. So again, you tell the players there are not going to be any more ties. If you guys can't settle the tally by the time 90 minutes are up, we're not going to go with that lame "shootout" that's in place. Nope. Ancient history, and it doesn't tell who is the better team at all. It only says who is better (luckier) at doing a point-blank shot. That's all.
Here's the BIG FIX: After 90 minutes, if there is a tie game, each team must remove a midfielder and a defender. 5 minutes are added to the clock. If neither team scores, you remove another midfielder and another defender. Another 5 minute period, and so on. Eventually, it would come down to a goalie and a forward for each team, until somebody scores. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just fixed soccer to the point that an American audience would not only tolerate it, they could get behind it!
You're welcome.
A woman from Portsmouth, England has an unusual way of marking every day of her life, but it's not quite a "Dear Diary" moment. Patti Gaal-Holmes has collected more than 32,000 used tea bags during her life, as a way of documenting her existence. The 44-year-old Gaal-Holmes says, "I adore drinking tea, and I save the teabags as a way of reminding me the differences between one day's experience and another." To save them, she dabs the used bag on some paper and then numbers it, noting who she drank tea with, and anything interesting they talked about. She then dries the bag in the sunshine or on a radiator, before storing it in one of three large suitcases. Patti notes there is a somewhat dusky smell to her apartment, but she finds it quite comforting. Her collecting quest began more than 11 years ago,and some of her used bags have been displayed at a local gallery.
I'm sure Ms. Gaal-Holmes also likes soccer just the way it is, but I say it's time to turn over a new tea leaf. Bag it, Patti.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
An Alluring Secret!
No, you haven't just stumbled onto a TMZ link, and you won't find salacious celebrity gossip on The Capn's blog. Sorry to disappoint. I just wanted to mention one of the best-kept travel secrets out there. Last year, Royal Caribbean brought a new mega-ship to market, the gigantic Oasis of the Seas. It was built and billed as "an experience" more than a cruise, and the reviews were loud and raving. Seems just about everyone loved Oasis of the Seas, and even though pricing was substantially higher than their other ships, customers couldn't get in line fast enough, and rates went through the roof. Guess what - they're still there! However, what has not been forefront in the press to this point is that Oasis has a new sister entering service this December, the Allure of the Seas. She's an exact duplicate of Oasis, taking everything great about her and moving it to the next level -- actually improving upon the original from all reports. Here's the rub. Oasis has the name recognition and the advertising history (including "live" appearances on board from some of the top National TV morning shows), to continue to command premium pricing. Yet the Allure is going to be all that and a bag of chips, but currently is pricing hundreds of dollars less than her big brother Oasis on some dates. What that means to you is it's BARGAIN TIME! You can currently book yourself on what will be the newest ship in the world, for much less than a ship that's been out for more than a year. The Allure is coming out the first week of December 2010, but if you want a deal you need to call and book now. I'll be happy to discuss it with you - just email or call me directly.
Prioritize!
PITTSBURGH (AP wire story) - Pittsburgh police are searching for a butterfingered robber, who got away with cigarettes and at least a little bit of money. Police said the man robbed the Uni-Mart in Pittsburgh's Troy Hill section about 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. The man wore a ski mask and ball cap, and pointed a handgun at a clerk who gave him all the money in the register - a total of $66. The man then shouted "Gimme some cigarettes" and the clerk quickly handed him a fistful, which turned out to be 7 packs. Detectives reviewed surveillance video Monday, and said the man was so intent on collecting the smokes he wasn't paying attention to the cash, dropping bills here and there. After he fled the scene, the store clerk and a customer who had been in the store at the time of the robbery picked up the loot that was left behind. $65 worth to be exact. The thief was so intent on getting his cigarettes he had dropped all but $1 of the stolen bounty from the cash drawer. Authorities did not hint at any immediate arrests in the robbery, saying it would be unlikely to track the missing $1 bill as part of a "spending spree". The rest of the evidence against the perpetrator? Well, it's probably gone up in smoke.
I said PRIORITIZE!
Police in Ocala, Florida are searching for a burglar who stole a box of cookies from a discount store. Police said the thief could clearly be seen on-camera taking a box of Oreo Cakesters from the Dollar General store. The cookies have a suggested retail value at $2.50. Surveillance footage shows the man actually breaking a glass door to get into the store, only to take the box of sweet treats and nothing else. According to the Ocala Star-Banner, the same store was targeted by a burglar matching the same description last February. In that incident, he made off with a box of Little Debbie Iced Oatmeal Cakes.
Your Tax Dollars At Work:
Part MMMDCXXXVIII
An attorney in Miami could not visit her client at a South Florida detention center last week, because of the undergarment she was wearing. The attorney said her under-wire bra set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center, and guards would not let the woman in because she would set off the prison alarms. According to The Miami Herald, the attorney did the only thing she could think of, as she had a pressing need to get a deposition for an upcoming court case with her client. She excused herself to the ladies' restroom, where she removed the offending undergarment. She then got back in line for the metal detector to enter the detention center. This time, the super-efficient guards refused to let her inside because of a long-standing directive from prison officials: "All female visitors must be wearing a bra." Apparently her objections were overruled, and she left the facility without ever coming abreast of her client for the deposition.
Prioritize!
PITTSBURGH (AP wire story) - Pittsburgh police are searching for a butterfingered robber, who got away with cigarettes and at least a little bit of money. Police said the man robbed the Uni-Mart in Pittsburgh's Troy Hill section about 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. The man wore a ski mask and ball cap, and pointed a handgun at a clerk who gave him all the money in the register - a total of $66. The man then shouted "Gimme some cigarettes" and the clerk quickly handed him a fistful, which turned out to be 7 packs. Detectives reviewed surveillance video Monday, and said the man was so intent on collecting the smokes he wasn't paying attention to the cash, dropping bills here and there. After he fled the scene, the store clerk and a customer who had been in the store at the time of the robbery picked up the loot that was left behind. $65 worth to be exact. The thief was so intent on getting his cigarettes he had dropped all but $1 of the stolen bounty from the cash drawer. Authorities did not hint at any immediate arrests in the robbery, saying it would be unlikely to track the missing $1 bill as part of a "spending spree". The rest of the evidence against the perpetrator? Well, it's probably gone up in smoke.
I said PRIORITIZE!
Police in Ocala, Florida are searching for a burglar who stole a box of cookies from a discount store. Police said the thief could clearly be seen on-camera taking a box of Oreo Cakesters from the Dollar General store. The cookies have a suggested retail value at $2.50. Surveillance footage shows the man actually breaking a glass door to get into the store, only to take the box of sweet treats and nothing else. According to the Ocala Star-Banner, the same store was targeted by a burglar matching the same description last February. In that incident, he made off with a box of Little Debbie Iced Oatmeal Cakes.
Your Tax Dollars At Work:
Part MMMDCXXXVIII
An attorney in Miami could not visit her client at a South Florida detention center last week, because of the undergarment she was wearing. The attorney said her under-wire bra set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center, and guards would not let the woman in because she would set off the prison alarms. According to The Miami Herald, the attorney did the only thing she could think of, as she had a pressing need to get a deposition for an upcoming court case with her client. She excused herself to the ladies' restroom, where she removed the offending undergarment. She then got back in line for the metal detector to enter the detention center. This time, the super-efficient guards refused to let her inside because of a long-standing directive from prison officials: "All female visitors must be wearing a bra." Apparently her objections were overruled, and she left the facility without ever coming abreast of her client for the deposition.
Monday, June 14, 2010
World Cup Fever? Don't take Ibuprofen!
The World Cup is all abuzz in South Africa. And that seems to be a major hurdle in Americans getting behind this international event. Every time you turn on a "futbol" match, you hear this horrendous buzzing noise that sounds like a swarm of killer bees has invaded your TV. But it's not bees, and it's not really buzzing, it's vuvuzelas. Huh? Vuvuzela may sound like a body part of some sort, but it's actually a super-annoying plastic horn, the equivalent of running a kazoo through a stack of Marshall amplifiers. It would be one thing to blow them for 5 minutes when a goal is scored. Or to voice disapproval over a bad call by the umpire or referee or linesman or whatever you call those guys. No, the apparent purpose of a vuvuzela is to blow it and maintain the loudest, most constant shrill call you can produce, until you either die or someone says "Hey, they turned out the lights.....I think it's time to go home." You want local flavor, this is it. That is, if you want the local flavor to be burned cauliflower soaked in turpentine. Mmm-Mmm Good! ESPN even has their professional sound engineers trying to modify broadcasts by blocking a certain frequency that the vuvuzela produces, but with little or no result. Just like a kazoo, the harder you blow the sound tends to go up or down, not remaining at a constant drone that could be "bleeped" electronically. So as long as this tournament goes on, get used to that bee-like buzz riding squarely between your eyebrows in the center of what's left of your brain. Still, you have to love a sport that pits superpowers like Brazil and Spain against countries the size of a K-Mart and its parking lot, with names no one can pronounce accurately, all in the name of good sport. Over the weekend, I actually gave it the old college try, watching pre-game analysis with some experts in the field who were hyping things up. In particular, they were talking about the ultra-aggressive Argentinian squad built solely on offense, going against the incredibly-gifted athletes of Nigeria. One expert was saying, "These teams are offensive juggernauts, and their potential to fill the net is almost unrivaled during this World Cup.....I fully expect TWO GOALS." That's not 2 apiece, he was saying these guys were so potent at scoring, he expected a TOTAL of 2 goals for the match. The other analyst chimed in, "Yes - there should be fireworks aplenty!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Hey guys - did you know in the NBA Finals they're scoring 50-60 points per quarter? Times 4? Say what you want about athleticism and defense, I'm a huge sports fan, but in a nutshell I can wrap up my World Cup feelings in 4 words: I don't get it. Turns out, the experts were only half right, with the final score being a whopping 1 for Argentina, and 0 (or "nil") for poor Nigeria. Personally, until they figure out a way to increase scoring, or even more importantly stop allowing games to end in a tie which Americans HATE, this sport is doomed to kids on local Saturday morning soccer fields in the USA, and the mini-van Moms that brought them.
Here's my suggestion for increasing scoring, where you wouldn't need some sort of bogus shootout at the end. Just take some players off the field, and allow much more freedom of substitution. If you had about 2-3 fewer players per side (my suggestion is 2), it would dramatically open up the field, making for more 1-on-1 plays and a whole lot more scoring. Then you'd have something. Kind of. You still have to get rid of the guys over-acting like WWE professional wrestlers, every time someone gets within 5 yards of them. Seeing some guy carried off on a stretcher, only to come back into the match a minute later, is not heroic. It's embarrassing. I'll stick with my plain old NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL for now. All you FIFA guys work on it and get back to me.
It was reported this week that a 3-year-old girl from China has reportedly been smoking and drinking ever since she was in a car accident when she was 2. Ya Wen's mother says Ya was knocked down by a speeding van and was taken to a hospital, where she was in a coma for a week. Ya wasn't fully recovered for several months, but one day after returning home, her mother found her secretly smoking cigarettes she had stolen from her father. After talking to Ya about it, she also found out the little girl had been addicted to cigarettes for about a year, and had also begun drinking. "Three glasses of beer is no problem for her," Ya's mom says. Doctors can't tell why Ya had suddenly developed the habits of a late-teenager, but say the head injuries she suffered in the accident may be to blame. No mention was made of either Ya's mother or father being Chinese Parent Of The Year candidates.
NOT at your local Dairy Queen:
Oh those Brits. If it's not big fuzzy hats on the Buckingham Palace guards, it's catastrophic oil spills on our pristine beaches. What can they think of next? This summer across the U.K, there is a new flavor of ice cream being promoted as the next big thing. Fish-and-chips flavored ice cream is coming to a pub near you. The unique flavor involves creamed cod-flavored ice cream coated in a vanilla-and-pepper batter, accompanied with potato ice cream chips made with Maris Piper potatoes. The entire dairy treat is served with salt, vinegar and lemon wedges.
Do these guys know how to party or what? I'm guessing they other traditional flavors such as kidney or tripe were less appetizing than creamed cod. Question: Did the British run out of chocolate or something? Maybe anything sounds good after a dozen warm dark ales on a Saturday night outing with the lads....
Here's my suggestion for increasing scoring, where you wouldn't need some sort of bogus shootout at the end. Just take some players off the field, and allow much more freedom of substitution. If you had about 2-3 fewer players per side (my suggestion is 2), it would dramatically open up the field, making for more 1-on-1 plays and a whole lot more scoring. Then you'd have something. Kind of. You still have to get rid of the guys over-acting like WWE professional wrestlers, every time someone gets within 5 yards of them. Seeing some guy carried off on a stretcher, only to come back into the match a minute later, is not heroic. It's embarrassing. I'll stick with my plain old NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL for now. All you FIFA guys work on it and get back to me.
It was reported this week that a 3-year-old girl from China has reportedly been smoking and drinking ever since she was in a car accident when she was 2. Ya Wen's mother says Ya was knocked down by a speeding van and was taken to a hospital, where she was in a coma for a week. Ya wasn't fully recovered for several months, but one day after returning home, her mother found her secretly smoking cigarettes she had stolen from her father. After talking to Ya about it, she also found out the little girl had been addicted to cigarettes for about a year, and had also begun drinking. "Three glasses of beer is no problem for her," Ya's mom says. Doctors can't tell why Ya had suddenly developed the habits of a late-teenager, but say the head injuries she suffered in the accident may be to blame. No mention was made of either Ya's mother or father being Chinese Parent Of The Year candidates.
NOT at your local Dairy Queen:
Oh those Brits. If it's not big fuzzy hats on the Buckingham Palace guards, it's catastrophic oil spills on our pristine beaches. What can they think of next? This summer across the U.K, there is a new flavor of ice cream being promoted as the next big thing. Fish-and-chips flavored ice cream is coming to a pub near you. The unique flavor involves creamed cod-flavored ice cream coated in a vanilla-and-pepper batter, accompanied with potato ice cream chips made with Maris Piper potatoes. The entire dairy treat is served with salt, vinegar and lemon wedges.
Do these guys know how to party or what? I'm guessing they other traditional flavors such as kidney or tripe were less appetizing than creamed cod. Question: Did the British run out of chocolate or something? Maybe anything sounds good after a dozen warm dark ales on a Saturday night outing with the lads....
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