Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Poison Pill-osi?

Yesterday, Cap'n Bob was fuming at our lawmakers in DC, parading around in their $2500 suits explaining how they empathize with the common man. Blah blah blah. Sorry, it's painfully obvious you have one goal in life, and that's to keep your backsides glued squarely in those cushy leather seats you occupy, in the name of defending and representing. I didn't know which party to be maddest at, but my first instinct was that the Reps hadn't met America half way.

It wasn't until later on that I saw the Squeeker Of The House, Nancy Pelosi, deliver a preamble to the vote that basically created a less-perfect union! Now I'm a sailor man, so I don't know the ins and outs of the politico, but is there not some way a person can be recognized as a total buffoon and just be yanked out of his or her position? I don't understand why the Dems' leadership can't just say "Sorry, people of America -- at one of the most important moments in our Nation's history, Lady P just blew your hopes and dreams into 700 billion bits. We have plans to immediately replace her with someone of superior competence, say maybe Ronald McDonald or Bozo." Of course today is a holiday, so nothing can get done except sit back with your bag of popcorn and a tall cold one, watching the rest of the world markets implode. Way to go, oh great representatives of the People. You represent nothing, other than the Fall of The House Of Misrepresentatives. Amazingly bad performance, even for you guys (and gals, or in this case gal).

Interesting tidbit, and no I'm not kidding. It's snowing on Mars. Science was never my forte in school, and I tried my best to struggle for a C if possible, but it still fascinates me. The story: http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/space/09/30/mars.snow.ap/index.html. Hollywood has made lots of B-movies, showing us what abominable Martians probably look like. Who knew they were actually abominable snowmen?

After a few years of status quo, Celebrity Cruises is adding some new ships! Just yesterday their new "Celebrity Solstice" sailed down the Ems River in Europe, heading for its sea-trials. That's where they try to put a ship through real-world situations, including some emergency turns and such, prior to allowing passengers on board. By Celebrity standards this is The Big One, weighing in at a hefty 122,000 gross registered tons. For you non-seadog types, you're probably saying "Heck, I have no idea what that means other than I think it's heavier than my Aunt Matilda." Me being a know-it-all when it comes to all things seaworthy, I actually wrote a piece on that a while back. Here's a link: http://www.manntravels.com/Travel_Resources/tips_full.cfm?tt_id=12

If you still don't get it, just know it's REAL BIG LIKE! Most of the cabins facing outward will have private balconies, and this ship is going to be incredibly popular among Celebrity's past guests, and new folks looking for upscale comforts on a large ship. Be the first kid on your block to sail the Solstice! Call or email me now and I'll get you seaward in no time.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Is Sarah Im-Palin' herself?

Katie Couric was hoping she'd go down in history, but probably never thought it would be because of an interview with a vice-presidential candidate. Funny how things happen. If you happened to miss Tina Fey re-living the moment, just go to http://www.nbc.com/ and look it up. I't well worth the 5 minutes of your time, that's all I'm saying on the subject.

Today the House Of Misrepresentatives had a historic opportunity, to prove to every citizen in the United States that WE THE PEOPLE matter more than the glamour shot bigwigs of Capitol Hill. Why in the world was I thinking they'd get it right? Because the morning-show pundits said so? Nah....too easy. I guess I was showing faith in the American system of government. You know the one. "It's not a good system, but it's still better than everybody else's". Yeah, that one. At this point Canada is looking mighty appealing. With Nancy Pelosi undermining the vote in Congress and George Bush at the helm, it's hard to tell whether we're in the grips of a Queen or a Joker at this point. I think all of us just want to know our retirement isn't going to vanish. We can live with some pain short-term, if we don't have to worry about eating Alpo from a bowl after age 65. C'mon, you idiots -- DO SOMETHING FOR YOUR CONSTITUENCY! And I don't mean stand in front of cameras, preening and whining.

Even with all the financial heartache across the USA, people are still traveling. That's a fact. Some of the little weekend 2-night cheapo's have gone by the wayside, but people who have saved their money for a nice, relaxing getaway are still living the dream. Are you thinking about going to Europe in 2009? Lots of people are! Cruising is a fantastic way to go, since you have so many things included up-front. You don't have to worry about the Euro killing you every time you want to eat a nice dinner. Or breakfast or lunch, for that matter. Right now, the maximum early-booking discounts have just opened up, which also means you'll have the pick-of-the-litter when it comes to selecting cabins in a nice location. A couple of months from now, you'll see most or all the premium locations will be sold out. So it's a great time to get a jump on the crowd. Demand for Europe was bigger this past year than any other we can remember, and it's expected to be as high or higher again next year. After 9/11 millions of people decided to vacation closer to home, which had the side effect of building pent-up demand for Europe and other far-away destinations. Now that the skies have been made safer than at any previous time, people are making their way back across The Pond. Yes you can "visit" Paris in Las Vegas, or go to Epcot in Orlando to "visit" Germany, but trust me -- it's just not the same! I'll leave Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell to say it best:

"Ain't nuthin' like the real thing, baby.....ain't nuthin' like the real thing....."

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Travel Bargains are NOW!

This has been a crazy year for travel, with the airline debacles and fuel so high people couldn't even do their drive vacations this summer. Well guess what. Summer's over, and all the hotel executives are looking at turning in their year-end numbers, and they are PRETTY BAD. Because of that, they're looking for ways to bump revenues between now and the end of 2008. Places like Orlando, Las Vegas, Hawaii and other tourism locales are far down from projections, and for people willing to travel without a lot of notice, there are truly bargains to be had. Depending on where you live, airfares may or may not be a great value yet, while the airlines are still trying to sort out how to become profitable. Good luck with that. But we can check "live" availability for you 7-days a week, so don't hesitate to look for a nice Fall getaway. Of course, you have to realize that over Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year there is incredible demand for travel, which drives prices up. Still, there are values on the off-dates. Cruises have remained somewhat steadier, and yet the Fall (when schools are in session) always brings lower pricing, and flexibility is the key to getting the lowest rate.

Last night we finally got to see Debate #1 from the prez boys. I thought they both laid out their positions pretty well, and it may not have swayed too many people from however they were intending to vote in the first place. But at least there were no outright gaffes, like Obama saying "Canada? Where the heck is that?" or McCain saying "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" So kudos to them both, and let's hope America gets it right. For a change.

This week brought a profound sadness to me. It's a sadness that actually started last year. Once-upon-a-time there was a Great Idea. Its name was the Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame. The concept was to reward generations of fans, just like with baseball or any major sport, with a chance to re-live the music, visuals and excesses that make up the genre. All under 1 roof. People under 30 have no Earthly idea how Jimi Hendrix altered literally everything you thought you knew about guitar. They probably know Eric Clapton, but never saw Cream. Or the person Eric Clapton calls the greatest and most influential guitarist of all time, Buddy Guy. They think Les Paul is a cool guitar, not knowing he was a cool guitarist. They know Tina Turner as an older lady who can still sing a bit. People under 30 think songs were always about 4 minutes long, when in fact they were always about 2 minutes long until a band from the South called the Allman Brothers thought maybe 17-18 minutes was just about right. On the funk side of rock, they didnt' get a chance to experience the young, limitless talent of Little Stevie Wonder, the choreography of the Temps and 4 Tops, the smoothness of Jackie Wilson or Otis Redding, or the light-up-the-night-bring-it style of Sly and the Family Stone. Trust me, these were special talents that came from humble beginnings, only to turn the world on its head.

Then 2007 happened. A year that will live in infamy. Sure, you had some great rock talent receiving their welcome papers: the colossus that is Van Halen, one of rock's great female voices Patti Smith, and while I'm not a fan I'll give props to R.E.M. for creating style, if not substance. The Ronettes finally got in, without the shadow of Phil Specter hanging in the balance. Nice. Then all of a sudden a chill went down the spines of EVERY TRUE ROCK AND ROLLER IN THE UNIVERSE, when the final inductee was named. Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five. These are the people whose claim to fame was "Rapper's Delight", a 3 1/2 hour long meaningless drivel of a rap which drove more rock people out of clubs than into them. Folks, scratching vinyl and talking in rhyme over a repetitious backbeat bass line is not now, was not then, nor ever will be rock 'n roll. Period!! Then 2008 comes along and Madonna makes the Hall. Madonna. Now I've always kind of liked her music, but trust me it ain't rock. Her lifestyle of excess and sexuality probably meet the criteria to be in there with the best of them, but that's where it ends. Musically it simply doesn't apply. Apparently the voting committee was kidnapped without our knowledge, and has been replaced by a bunch of 20-somethings with no clue. Think Madonna was a surprise? On the list for 2009 are some classics as always.....Jeff Beck (former Yardbirds), Metallica (well-deserved) and a handful of other acts, but then I saw Run DMC listed as a candidate. Run DMC, who are 100% rap and whose only legitimate claim to any rock fame was a brief cover of Aerosmith's "Walk This Way". If you want to hear Walk This Way, go pick up Aerosmith's Toys In The Attic CD. Great song compilation which includes "Sweet Emotion" among others. THAT's the original. THAT's the song. THAT's what goes to the Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame. Not the lame copy that was 20% song and 80% video gimmickry. Good heavens. Listen (if you can stand it) to any Run DMC disc, and you'll hear a dozen songs that sound like 1 song run together. Pathetic to think Jimi and Buddy and Eric and Tina and Sly and the rest have to share their final musical resting place with Grandmaster Flash and Run DMC. By the way - can you name 1 member of the Furious Five? Ever hear from them again? Do you know what Grandmaster Flash looks like? Awful. Simply awful, and the good people of Cleveland Ohio need to go down there and protest the watering-down of a great idea. Meanwhile, some of rock's most influential bands and long-time producers of wonderful, MELODIC music are ignored. Bands like Journey. Toto. Canada's amazingly-influential power trio, Rush. Bon Jovi certainly deserves consideration. Here's the one I just don't get. Think 1980's. Think complete and over-the-top excess such as the world had never seen before. Think heavy metal, a stage show from outer space, breathing fire, spitting blood, and the longest tongue you had ever seen. Yep, I'm talking about Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Paul Stanley and Peter Criss. The band in the black-and-white makeup, KISS. You probably assumed these guys were in the Rock Hall by default. Well guess what.....Grandmaster Flash, The Furious Five, Madonna and potentially Run DMC are taking up spots that should be reserved for the bands I just named, and Kiss in particular. Talk about changing an entire genre of music and being influential! The songs almost didn't matter - it was about the act and the experience of living Kiss. Coming to the concert after your girlfriend or Mom or buddy painted your face like the Star Child, The Cat, The Space Man or The Demon. Ladies and gents, THAT is rock 'n roll.

I can hardly wait for 2010. Probably be the year of Fifty-Cent......

Friday, September 26, 2008

Whassup with OLD people??

First of all, to the ever-offended among you, get over your dang selves! Cap'n Bob happens to be a certified, card-carrying AARP'er, and I'm many years older than the teak decks of my schooner, so I have room to talk. Even in my infirmity, I still get around pretty well for a Senior Salty-Dog Scalawag of a Sailor. Having said that, I still have to call 'em as I see 'em, and I say there are TWO UNIVERSAL TRUTHS about old people:

1) Old people NEVER know when they're in the way.

2) They are ALWAYS in the way!

Yes, that's what each and every one of you has to look forward to, as the hands of time keep slapping you upside the head. You just become like that one piece of furniture in the den everybody trips over. Even I am slowing down as the years roll by. Why, I was playing full-court shuffleboard with the young 'uns until my mid-50's, but nowadays I walk more than I run. But I'm still young enough at heart to share with you my greatest pet peeve of all, which involves old people about 99% of the time.....

The Federal Government, in conjunction with the various State Departments of Transportation, realized that as people get older, they sometimes become a bit more frail (usually), a bit more forgetful (always), and it tends to be harder for them to walk from point A to point B, or just about any other alphabetical point (invariably). For that reason, there have been laws passed creating parking zones, to accommodate these special needs. These zones are always right up front near the door, to make life just a tad easier for people enjoying their golden years. So far so good on this parable, wouldn't you say? Keep reading.

To prevent some less-needy pigs and hogs from taking up these handicap parking areas, the Government created a sign for the elders to post inside their car....usually dark blue with white lettering, stating that the driver of this here vehicle is qualified as a Certified Old Coot, making it legal to use the special parking area. In theory, the driver would keep that blue-and-white sign on the seat of the car, in the glove compartment (which absolutely never contains gloves by the way), on the floorboard, in the side pocket of the door, or somewhere handy. Once the person arrives at the destination, usually a 7/11 or Home Depot, and pulls into the ever-so-convenient handicap-accessible parking slot, they are supposed to turn off the car, put on the parking brake, and place the blue-and-white sign on that little bar that holds up the rear view mirror, displaying it for all to see. It's their way of saying "Yes, I know I'm in this spot, but by golly I'm eligible and I've earned it." There's a little cut-out place on the blue & white sign, to make it just as easy as pie to hang it up there on the mirror, whenever you occupy a special parking spot. Easy on, easy off. Exactly as the powers-that-be intended. Great theory. What a lovely, lovely world we live in.

OK - here's what gripes my backside worse than somebody spittin' in my taters. Attention Old People Of The Planet: Once you go inside that store and git yer prescriptions, or yer case of Metamucil, or yer buy-one-get-one-free Giesha Brand Mandarin Oranges or whatever the heck you're buyin', and you come back to get in the car and drive again, you TAKE THE STINKIN' SIGN DOWN! Are you not even aware of yourself? Your hearing is fading, your eyesight is a trainwreck, your reaction time is worse than a drunken sailor (and I should know), and there you go! Hoppin' behind the wheel of your Escalade or Suburban or Buick Riviera, with a full 30% of your field of vision completely blocked by that well-intended blue-and-white sign. Did you not think maybe that's why they put the little hanging tag on there? On, off, on, off, that sort of thing? Hell, why don't you just go and get the entire front windshield painted blue-and-white, so you can't see a daggone thing? Makes as much sense! By all that is sacred, if I were a cop I'd spend my days and nights pulling these people over, ticketing them, and ordering them to traffic court at the very least, or more than likely to a psychiatrist or medical doctor to evaluate if these people need to still be plummeting around the streets, in a 2000-pound battering ram they can't see out of. Nobody I've ever seen has done the research, but I'd be willing to bet a huge number of senior-related traffic accidents occur when the blue-and-white is blocking their baby blues.

The other day some scientists were trying to explain Stonehenge again. For the 10,000th time. Yeah, yeah, the Druids placed all those stones there as some kind of religious shrine. Stones that weighed 50-times what anybody could really move. NO WAIT. Somebody else says it's a crude Astrological calendar. NO WAIT. No YOU wait. The Cap'n took some shore leave to do a little research, and after a couple of flaggons of rum at Old Tom Hodges' Place, I figured the whole thing out. Only took about 5 minutes. What do we know about the UK in ancient times? We know that at some point a liquored-up Scotsman or Welshman or Brit of some kind took his walking stick, smacked a rock with it, and the rock fell into a hole. Yes sir and madam, that was the day golf was born. But even back in the Dark Ages, not everyone was rich enough to afford a nice set of clubs, a cart, caddy, godawful plaid knickers, a Callaway Big Bertha driver, and the greens fees the Sherriff of Nottingham was trying to elicit from the serfs of Olde Englande. The Druids, a kind of short but crafty people with an odor of aged barley on their breath, decided to take advantage of this plight and create a new industry. Years later, this same principle was copied in Miami Beach, Myrtle Beach, and Atlantic City. When you don't have room for a full golf course, what do you do? You build a miniature one. With big 'ol windmills, wacky giant rodents, that sort of thing. Well, The Druids did the best they could, but there wasn't much in the way of building materials back then, so they did the easiest thing they could think of -- contact the same aliens that left those big stone figures on Easter Island, and get them to arrange a similar kind of spooky stone gathering, in a semi-circle where people could bring the kids on weekends for a jolly good time. If the original "Putt-Putt Stonehenge" sign hadn't eroded over the years, there never would have been a so-called mystery. So there. That's the truth of the matter. And I'll bet you were doubting my credibility when you first started reading.....

Thursday, September 25, 2008

St. Maarten Sheen

When you look at a map of the Caribbean, you'll sometimes see St. Martin, and other times St. Maarten. Which is right? Both! That's typical for this wonderfully-schizophrenic, yet shiny little gem of an island. Some people think it's one thing, some people another. That's because it's one of the few places in the world where there is split island ownership and citizenship, an island under 2 flags. Half the island is Dutch, the other half French. The Dutch side is more conservative in some aspects, yet not in others. As an example you will rarely see people topless on the Dutch side, where it's commonplace on the French side (particularly Orient Beach). Then again the Dutch have laws that allow gambling, so you can find casinos in some locations on the Dutch side, but not on the normally-more-liberal French. Phillipsburg, the largest town on the Dutch portion of the island, features lots of Caribbean-style restaurants and shopping that in many cases rivals the more famous St. Thomas - particularly for photography items, electronics, jewelry and island fashions. If you cross the island to Marigot, the chief town on the French side, you'll see upscale restaurants, cafes, places for crepes, escargot and other French cuisine....and when it comes to fashion you're likely to see something direct from Paris that may not have even made it to 5th Avenue in New York yet! So the variety you will see on one small island is amazing.

Because of the variety, there are very few "all-inclusive" properties in St. Maarten, and for good reason. If you'd actually stay at your hotel the entire stay in St. Maarten, you'd be missing out completely on the cultural and culinary differences that make the island what it is. You can still find excellent liquor prices on St. Maarten (again, rivaling St. Thomas), so if you love your cocktails the way the crew and I do, go pick up a couple of bottles and pour your own, Matey. Pour some for us as well! It'll still work out to less money than if you did an all-inclusive and you'll be rewarded with a much more rich experience for exploring the island. Another great feature for Americans is they drive on the right-hand side of the road, just like we do. Makes it extremely easy to rent a car and do your own thing exploring, and there are few traffic lights and the road signs are easily recognizable. The midsection of the island is mountainous, lush and green (again, like St. Thomas) so you have beautiful scenery, but driving around the island is 10-times easier because most of the roads going around the island are on the flats, or just small hills and curves, unlike the steep drop-offs you encounter on the US Virgin Islands. Whether you prefer more moderate properties like a Wyndham, intermediate like Radisson, more upscale like the Westin or even more upscale villa or resort style accommodations, St. Maarten offers fantastic choices across the board. It's also close enough to do day-trips to Anguilla, St. Bart's or other Caribbean islands. Great beaches, shopping, nightlife, culture and cuisine, St. Maarten has it all. Another huge benefit is there are lots of direct flights from the USA -- unlike some of the smaller islands where you'll have to change planes 2-3 times and it would take you all day to get there. Feel free to email or call me any time to discuss a vacation to this little piece of heaven.

TRUE STORY:

Last night in Philadelphia at a baseball game, the Phillie Phanatic (big green mascot) was doing a commercial promotion, where he was using a rubber launcher to fire hot dogs up into the stands. What possible purpose for a TV commercial that could serve, nobody knows. But someone took the silliness to a new level, duct-taping 3 hot dogs to the wall of the stadium. Cute. Funny. Wellllllllllll, not so much. A passerby saw 3 cylindrical red objects taped to the walls of the stadium, and immediately thought It's a bomb! The Philadelphia bomb squad and Homeland Security were called, and a short time later the package was removed and exploded. It was only then they discovered the meaty goodness which they had been in fear of all along. Another segment of YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK, although in fairness you have to be safe rather than sorry in the current world environment.

As a footnote to this story, there were still a few fans who benefited from the entire experience. By coincidence they ordered some dogs from a vendor shortly after the incident, and said "can you please make sure they're well done?" The vendor replied with a smile, "Mr......This is your lucky day!"

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Another test for Charleston (seaport, not a seaport)?

Some cruise lines are updating their itineraries into 2010, and Celebrity just announced a half dozen 10- and 11-night sailings from Charleston SC on the "Mercury". These cruises will take place in Feb, Mar & Apr 2010. Not 2009, 2010. The good news, for people in the Southeast, is this is a way to get on a Caribbean cruise without having to drive or fly all the way to Florida. With gas prices sitting where they are, that's a bigger deal than in years past. The bad news is because you're having to start the cruise so far North, in the middle of winter, the first couple and last couple of days might be a bit nippy (or below freezing, truth be told), before you get into actual Caribbean sunbathing territory. So yes, there is a trade-off of sorts.

The other question mark is that people who have recently sailed from Charleston have been used to NCL's older ship "Norwegian Majesty". That ship at best can be termed economy-class, with a price tag to match. There may be some sticker-shock for the lower-end clients who have gotten used to cruising on the cheap from Charleston. Norwegian Majesty is being retired, so there won't be any competition for Mercury in Charleston either. Celebrity is a more premium product as well (by a few dozen miles), and these sailings are much longer than the standard 7-nighters they've been used to, so it's certainly reasonable to expect prices to be higher. Think about it - if they tore down a Motel 6 and built a Hyatt Regency on the same site, your odds of finding a $39-a-night rate pretty much just went down the outhouse trail, but by the same token you're getting a dramatically improved product for your family to enjoy.

HERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS: Mann Travels is blocking group space on all these Charleston sailings, so we will be guaranteed to have the lowest price available anywhere, including the internet! Then again, there is almost never a time our pricing isn't below what you find on the internet (always CALL US before booking anywhere, to see what our best price is). We recommend emailing or calling now to book these Celebrity sailings, since supply-and-demand will dictate a quick sell-out on all 6 cruises. Anyone thinking about waiting until later for a better deal or lower price, well, you're just going to be staying home. These particular sailings will be 100% sold out, many many months in advance. Particularly since Charleston is not now, nor ever scheduled to be an actual year-round seaport. You have to travel when there is a ship there, period!

Gallagher once described the opposite of PROgress as CONgress. True words from the watermelon king. As strange as our economic situation has become in the last week or so, it's even stranger to watch Congress posturing and ego-tripping for the cameras. These are the back-slappin' boys (and gals) who allowed us to climb into this dumpster in the first place, and I'd love to make 'em all walk the plank. In the spirit of Gallagher, we ought to take every incumbent member of Congress and vote against them in November, across the board on principle alone -- turn those INcumbents into OUTcumbents!

Speaking of animals, I happen to love animals. Doggies, kitties, horsies, elephanties, pretty much anything. Ask my parrot (who hates being called a parrotie, by the way). Having said that, I'm still a bit of a centrist on pretty much every aspect of life, and I think extremists are a bunch of idiots, regardless of what they're being extreme about. Extreme religion, extreme politics, extreme pet's rights, you name it. But this morning, a headline on CNN just about made me spill my rum all over the deck. PETA (which I believe stands for Pet Extremists Talking Absurdly) has made possibly the most insane statement in their history today. Whether you're "Fur" or "Against" PETA, they've never been known for subtlety, and today is no exception. They sent a formal letter to Jerry Greenfield and Benjamin Cohen, asking them to completely change the formula for their hugely-successful company. Even though generations have grown to love Mr. Greenfield and Mr. Cohen's product, PETA now thinks they have a better idea than a duo that has made hundreds of millions of dollars without them. These extremists probably liked "New Coke" when it came out a few years ago, too (which tasted kind of like a cross between Old Coke and Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, with some saccharin thrown in for aftertaste). Now they think these two well-established gentlemen, Mr. G and Mr. C, are on the wrong track and need PETA's guidance. Oh, I'm sorry - you are asking who in the name of Davey Jones's Locker are Jerry Greenfield and Benjamin Cohen anyway? Maybe this will help.

Cherry Garcia
Coffee Heath Bar Crunch
Chunky Monkey (no implied reference to Mariah Carey)
Phish Food

That's Riiiiiiiiight. We're talking about Ben & Jerry. The ice cream wizards themselves. You can't make this stuff up, folks....PETA has sent a letter to the 2 of them, imploring Mr. Greenfield and Mr. Cohen to remove cow's milk from their ice cream products, as cow's milk is dangerous to their clients' health according to PETA's sideways logic. Huh? And what pray tell is their idea for a proper recipe substitution, if not cow's milk? Are you ready for this? You're probably thinking what I was, soy milk. That would make sense, kind of, if in fact you could make ice cream at the proper consistency from bean juice. No, the PETANS are asking for human breast milk to replace cow's milk! Now, I'm all for the wonders of the human anatomy, but I'll be danged if I want to see a lineup of pregnant Moms-to-be outside the Ben & Jerry's factory every morning, waiting to get hooked up to machines because PETA thinks that brings a higher quality of life to mankind. Of course, Cap'n Bob has his own sideways logic, and it brings up some potentially interesting new flavors:

Baywatch Bosom-Buddies Butterfinger Bliss
Starbucks D-Cup O' Java

Twin Peaks Tangerine Tang
Dolly Parton's Summit Surprise


and my favorite would be a combination banana and chocolate chip mixture.....Yummy!

Lickety Split with Chocolate Nips

As the old saying goes, anything more than a spoonful is a waste.





Friday, September 19, 2008

The Stratosphere falls to Earth

The Stratosphere hotel in Las Vegas was pretty cool when it first opened. Then the attraction wore a bit thin (ok, it's tall.....what else you got?). People began to realize it was built in a dying area of the city, too far to be Downtown and too far to be considered part of The Strip. So at some point it became a "budget" property, where it's sole claims to fame were cheap rates and various thrill rides at the top that tend to make one puke. Always high on my to-do list when I hit Vegas! My wealthy buddies are always comped at The Venetian, which of course I can't afford on a Cap'n's salary, but they invited me out for a big football weekend so I went. For the 4 hours a day I spend in my hotel room, I figured I could put up with Stratosphere and just take the bus down to meet them each day. You say "why not a taxi?" Good granny.....taxis in Vegas have gone ballistic on price. Stratosphere to Treasure Island (across from where my friends stay) was $15 ONE WAY -- for just over 2 1/2 miles. No thank you very much, Mr. and Mrs. Reader, I'll stick with The Deuce. That's the air-conditioned double-decker buses where you can ride for $5 all day, anywhere on The Strip to Downtown and back again.

And as usual, I find myself sidetracked from what I meant to talk about. Rum has that affect on me, Arrrrrrrrr. Anyway, back to The Stratosphere. Here's this property that looks kind of like an upside down Christmas ornament, or maybe Las Vegas giving you the finger and thanks for coming. It's just this tall obelisk of a thing with slot machines. I found myself checking in and the man at the desk was very nice. "Welcome, Mr. Cap'n Bob, your room is ready and as part of the package you purchased it is prepaid.....except for the resort fee." I cocked my head to the side just a tad, raised my brow a bit and leaned in, to make sure I had heard correctly -- "excuse me?" "Yes, Sir....when you check out you will be billed $5.00 per day for our resort fee." OK, he had my curiosity up, so I inquired as to what the supposed resort fee actually got me. "Access to the weight room, the pool area, and towels at the pool" he replied. Yeah, people from all over Vegas are leaving their world-class tower and spa complexes, to beat a path over here @ $15-20 per taxi each direction, so they can use the flippin' pool that used to be free, or the old Nautilus machines in your exercise room next to the ice machine that also used to be free, but now cost $5.00 per day because as you have aged and grown more tired-looking, you somehow became a RESORT? Folks, you can call it whatever you want, but lowballing your prices and then hitting people with absurd charges whether or not they use any of your "resort" facilities is bait-and-switch. Just on principle alone, I will never go back, and in fact I checked right back out and went to a hotel on The Strip I was familiar with. Trust The Cap'n it ain't about the Benjamins (or in this case the Lincolns). I've been known to drop $5.00 on a Wrigley's Spearmint fix or drunken Air Hockey, so blowing a few bucks wasn't the point.

I'm glad to pay for things that are properly advertised. Go to the movie, it's $9 plus insane prices for popcorn and a drink. That's fine, because I knew that when I came to the theater. But if I got to the theater, paid my $9 to get in, got my $7 corn, my $6 diet Pepsi (with a splash of that oh-so-natural cherry/junk/red dye #7 stuff they spritz in there), then $5 for one of those Family Size boxes of Goobers, and then on the way into the theater a nice young man stopped me and said "I'm sorry, Sir...there's an additional $4 women's restroom towel fee." I'd explain that I'm a guy, I'm at the theater by myself, and I have no intention of meandering into the WAC Latrine to use towels or any other daggone purpose. But he just shrugs and says "Sorry, Sir. Company policy, I just have to collect." Poor young feller. Little did he suspect he'd go home that night with $12 worth of corn and Goobers down his trousers, and a $6 diet cherry-Pepsi poured over his skull. Like I said, I'm a principled man, even if there's a short fuse in my powder keg.

The rest of my trip was quite entertaining. Although I never used to go to shows in Vegas (all those old follies, flappers and floozies shows with the big headgear and sequined swimsuits were a bore anyway), now they've got some pretty good stuff out there. Last Spring, I saw STOMP OUT LOUD and it was 10 times better than I expected. Dance meets rock street drumming. This time, I saw LE REVE at The Wynn, which is a rock-opera-dream-sequence built over water, with extremely cool Cirque de Soleil type acrobatics and costuming. If there was a point, I never saw it but I didn't care one bit. Great show overall. I guess if you're old-school (unlike the obviously avant garde Cap'n), it's cool to go see semi-or-former big names like Donnie & Marie, Cher, or other celebs when you're in Vegas. But celebs have never been my cup o' grog. There was nobody I could name at either Stomp Out Loud or Le Reve, but the shows kept me fully entertained and I'd see either of them again if you're buyin'.

This was also the first trip to Vegas where I've come back to the ship with more cash money than I left with in the first place. Usually I'm financing some Pit Boss's habit, or paying for a couple thousand new light bulbs for the marquee out front. But this time I kept off the gaming tables and stuck to something I know, sports bets, where at least you believe you have a better shot of beating the house. Probably total luck, but after doing a couple weeks of research before my trip, things played out nearly 80% my way. Woo hoo! That reminds me of my favorite gambling saying. Maybe it was Confucius, or Bart Simpson, or maybe it just came to me in a cactus-induced dream, but it's one of the truest truths I know:

"Money won is twice as sweet as money earned."

Amen, Brother (Hulk Hogan, circa 1993).


Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Zombie Returns

Ah yes, Vegas. Nothing like flying 3 time zones home, then coming in at 8:30am the next day to over 200 emails and voicemails. But it comes with the territory when you choose to visit Hell Lite. So how did I do, you ask? Just like the networks on election night, this one is too early to call. I can tell you I came home after 4 nights without even having to cash a single travelers' check, so that in itself was a win. There were a few football games I read perfectly, and only a 4th-quarter collapse by New Orleans kept me from being an outright winner already. I'm one of those people who not only gambles when I'm there, I also bet "futures"....as in I already have bets for the World Series and Super Bowl (made previously), and I brought back a bunch of bets on next week's college and pro football. Mail order winners....ain't life grand? By Monday night, I'll be able to say whether this trip was a minor loss, break-even, minor win, or a haul. Haul would be nice.

In cruise news, one of the big cruise line executives was questioned why they continue to charge high fuel supplements, when crude oil has dramatically turned South on pricing world-wide. You can play the Ike card only so long. Rates aren't $150 per barrel any more -- instead, they've come down below $100 and have plenty of downside still available. So why the insistence on maintaining $10 per person per day "fuel surcharge" on every itinerary? It's like asking why CEO's give themselves millions of dollars in raises and bonuses, when their companies are floundering and laying off jobs. Answer? BECAUSE THEY CAN. It's the kind of math nobody has to answer to, until they're standing at the gates of Heaven watching the DVD of their lives with eternity on the line. Here's a synopsis of the response by the cruise line:

"For quite some time, we were absorbing the expense of higher fuel costs, but eventually came to realize a fuel add-on would ease our pain and return us to profitability. We realized it right after our competitor did it, and was able to get away with it. After slapping a few heads around in the Board Room (why didn't WE think of that first?!!), we announced publicly that it was our intention to remain as close to being an industry leader as you can be, when your modus operandi is following your competition's every move within 2 weeks, give-or-take. In the past, we raised certain segments of our pricing, by creating something we termed non-commissionable fares. Another industry first from us! This was a bold move, to be sure, fragmenting the decades-long support of the travel community by creating something where we didn't have to pay as much for their hard work and dedication to us. We had previously erred in trying to raise the fees known as "port charges", but some stinkin' accountant or investigative people researched it, and found out how much we actually were being charged to keep the ship in port. The jig was up, which really ticked us off by the way, so this time we chose not to get too creative in selecting a new term for this made-for-profit surcharge. We thought of things like "international seamen's tax", but found discovered old treaties could have required us to actually disburse these funds to seamen, LIKE THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN! "Future lineage development fund" hinted around that the money was going for new ships, when actually it was going for Executive bonuses. Then somebody stood up and said Hey....let's just call them Non-Commissionable Fares. It is what it is.

After hysterical gales of laughter, a final vote wasn't even necessary. When confronted with genius, you just raise your glass and toast. Even though the new non-commissionables were wildly unpopular with travel agencies, we realized if you're going to be so gutsy as to call them that, you can't be hypocritical enough to feign being sorry later. Once we added on the $5.00 per person per day fuel surcharge, it took us nearly 3 days to become fully profitable again. A couple of months later the profits started dwindling a bit as gas crept up, so we thought OK. What about $5.50 per day? Maybe $5.75? Then we noticed our competition came out and DOUBLED theirs to $10.00 (more head-slapping in the Board Room). We felt it was solely in our best interest, at the expense of the consumer, travel agents, or anybody else to immediately follow suit."

OK, so those might not have been his exact words, but reading between the lines it felt that way to us. The Cap'n will keep you posted if and when these supplements go by the wayside. Even though we in the travel community are stuck with non-commisionables, we'd like to see the mandatory supplements you pay as passengers reduced as fuel prices warrant. Having said that, you can still find cruises at excellent value prices. Particularly if you have flexibility in the time you can travel.

Would you believe if your plan was to cruise over New Year's, but you waited to go the 1st week of January instead, you could save as much as 60-70% on the cruise price? You always have the taxes and "fuel" and such, but flexibility can add an extra vacation per year to your budget, if you allow your travel agent to find you the best deal and let pricing lead the way. Don't forget, we also can create package deals for you to resort destinations. And not just exotic islands or far-off countries. If you don't have a passport or want to stay closer to home, we can put together a deal to Florida beaches or theme parks. Or California cities, wine country, or any number of other domestic destinations. Variety is the spice, as they say. Feel free to call or email me for suggestions or pricing on any type of travel, and we'll always give you our best deal right up front.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Hey, Maaaaaaaan!

Ah, the flight of youth. Back in my musician days, any time I passed someone under 30 it was "Hey, Maaaan." Luckily, that lasted quite a while for me, as I have the fortunate genetics to look 3 or 4 days younger than I really am. Then one day it happened. I held the door at Wendy's open for a younger chap, and he said "Thanks, Sir." Yuck. I had become a Sir, and by my recollection Queen Elizabeth II had never touched a sword to either of my shoulders, so it wasn't that I had been Knighted by the Crown or anything. I surmised it must have been because I no longer looked like a Maaaaaaan. I looked like a Sir. Attempting to keep a stiff upper lip, I decided to look at the glass as half-full and thought OK, at least I'm showing some maturity now (most people reach their opening level of maturity around age 16, mine was sometime in my mid-40's). At least I was being recognized.

Earlier today I looked at the clock, and just looked back again now, realizing that time continues to march forward. Sir. Yeesh. Slowly it moves, yes, but it silently continues pushing me ahead. And ahead. And further ahead, until that day is finally reached, the day everyone dreads most. The day when your life flashes before your eyes, and you think of all the things you wished you had done, but never found the time. You think of the puppy you got when you were barely old enough to open the Christmas box by yourself. You recall all the best and worst moments of your life, completely but in an instant. And then, regardless of how you wished it could have been different, there you are facing Fate itself. You had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but we're all human and everything has a beginning, middle and end (except for media coverage of Paris Hilton, which obviously has no end). On that sad day, your friends will gather, to reminisce and talk about the days of your youth, their favorite stories about you, the times when even without knowing it you had touched their lives, and there will be hugs and tears all around.

What??? You think I'm talking about dying? Good gravy, no! Heck, dying is easy. You just keel over, and wait for the truck to come and cart you off. No, I'm talking about a much more difficult day than that. The day when Sir is no longer your greatest fear. It's the day you're walking out of Wendy's and a younger chap passes you by with youthful swagger, and eye contact reveals that he's about to acknowledge you. Probably not as Maaaaaan. Much more likely to be a Hello Sir. But the world will never be the same again. As he passes by, he tips his cap, and says "What's up, Pops?"

Cap'n Bob will be on Shore Leave for the next better-part-of-a-week. If you really need me, please come to the Mirage Poker Room in Las Vegas and ask for The Cap'n. And bring your money. I'll talk to you, but you'd better be prepared to sit in for a while first. I need the cash.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Houston, we have a problem.....

Hurricane Ike. Just like Michael Myers in the movie Halloween, the more times you think this thing is dead, the more times it sits up and comes after you with evil intent. Jamie Lee Curtis, if you're in Houston right now, GET OUT! Even earlier today the computer models had this thing going anywhere from Brownsville to Louisiana, with Corpus Christi the likeliest target, but now it seems to be holding a bit further North. That means the cruise ship port of Galveston, and the inland city of Houston are in for a ride. There's no silver lining to be found here, if you're wondering.....this darn storm is just a mess, and has carved a horrendous wake in the Atlantic and Northern Caribbean. Cuba will be reeling for years behind this deadly hurricane, and of course with the current government we'll never get the true story of how badly they were hit. At least there is nothing trailing Ike at the moment. The Caribbean, Florida and tropical Atlantic have been hammered one after another rat-a-tat-tat, for weeks on end. As they say, you deserve a break today.

Thankfully, the Prez candidates have called a momentary truce while the Country remembers its fallen from 9/11. I was glad to see that politics, as muck-raking as they've been, can take a back seat to something truly memorable and important albeit for 24 hours (if we're lucky).

I remember the morning of 9/11/01 hours before its infamy....living in the Carolinas, we always brag about the Carolina Blue sky, and I remember walking to my car that morning on the way to work. Bright sunshine abounded, it was a nice comfortable temperature, and I can recall looking up and actually saying "that's the most beautiful sky I've ever seen." Little more than 2 hours later, it turned into the meanest and most despicable sky of all time. Sometimes irony is, well, ironic. I first heard the news when Allison Yezek spoke up from across the room, saying a plane had just hit the World Trade Center. In my mind's eye, I'm picturing a Cessna that lost control, and was hoping the single pilot got out ok. Within minutes, the world we live in changed forever. While zealots dreamt of their brand of heaven, expecting dozens of virgins to be waiting for them, I said a prayer asking that a new level of Hell be opened up, to accommodate the kind of gross inhumanity these sadists had created and rained down on the world. I won't know if that prayer was answered until I'm standing at the Gates, but it gives me a bit of calm in the name of justice, to think MAYBE it was.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Lipstick Jungle

The Prez campaign took on a new gloss yesterday. Senator Obama used a long-time, well-recognized adage to describe when change isn't really change: "You can put lipstick on a pig....." (but people will still recognize it as a pig). Senator McCain had used the exact same phrase earlier in the campaign when describing Hillary Clinton's position on a particular issue. Everybody has heard that phrase before. BUT -- that was before the coming-out party last week. Now that Sarah Palin used the word lipstick in her big splashy please-allow-me-to-introduce-myself speech (by the way, isn't that from Sympathy For The Devil?), the Repubs are now crying foul, asserting that Obama is calling Mrs. Palin a pig. Lame. Just another example of politics by distraction. When you don't have the majority agreeing with your positions, you have to do what a magician does....create an illusion. As much as the Democrats try to keep this election about the issues that will MARK OUR LIVES for at least the next 4 years, the Grand Old Party keeps trying to spin it to personality (Sarah's, not John's) and distractions.

I've used a similar metaphor when describing cruise ships that have been "refurbished". If you're not familiar with the word, refurbishment is when you take a ship that has some age on it, take her out of service for a couple of weeks, and do a new paint job, lay new carpeting, and perform some other cosmetic changes, in an attempt to freshen the ship up so it can compete against the newer, fancier ships. The way Cap'n Bob says it is "You can take a duck and paint it yellow, but at the end of the day all you've got is a yellow duck." Hey wait a minute -- that's change that isn't really change! Lipstick on a pig. For you Green Acres fans, it would be like putting Ralph Monroe in a Dolce and Gabbana gown. Yowza!!

Speaking of cruising, you truly get a cross-section of people when you take a cruise. You may be seated at a table with a Doctor, Lawyer, Farmer, Student, Engineer, Secretary, or possibly Lions, Tigers and Bears (yes, professional athletes cruise too!). Some folks are 1-of-a-kind, but most people fall into a category. Here are some you might see on board.....

TOP 10 CRUISER TYPES:

1) THE WHATEVERS. This is my favorite kind of traveler. They know that we live in an imperfect world, and although the cruise lines try to make every vacation wonderful, sometimes a storm can come up, or a medical emergency that forces the ship to alter itinerary, or any number of things that aren't exactly what it said in the brochure. That's ok! The Whatevers are going to have fun, come rain or shine. My suggestion - strive to be a Whatever.

2) JED, JETHRO AND ELLIE MAE. Oh my goodness! Lookee at all them people. Have you ever seen such a thing as this? I declare, this boat must be bigger than 50 barns. I swear there must be a million lights in that lobby, and did you see them clear elevators where you could just about see everything when those ladies got lifted upstairs? What're all them non-American words on the menu I can't read -- Russian or something? It's kind of fun to hang around Jed and all his kin. It's like the Discovery Channel for humanity.

3) THE SNOWBIRDS. Typically, our friends from the frozen tundra to the North, Canada....but can also be Minnesotans, Mainers, Wisconsonites, and Michiganders (by the way, who in heaven's name came up with those monikers???). You may not recognize the Snowbirds initially, except for their Roots logo clothing, but when they get out by the pool, oh my. You'll see skin that rivals a newborn's backside, so pale it's nearly clear. That'll last about 12 minutes. The Snowbirds are used to those Lake Superior beaches, where you can lay out for 5-6 hours using Hawaiian Tropic SPF O with coconut oil, palm oil, cottonseed oil, extra-virgin olive oil, and some Crisco thrown in for crispiness. Snowbird on, Red Lobster off, occasionally wrapped in gauze and burn-treatment ointments and salves for the flight home.

4) MR. & MRS. HUNDREDTIMER. The Hundredtimers will be glad to tell you every detail of every port in the world and what to do there. They'll tell you how this ship compares with every other ship in the world. They've been there. They've done that. They want perks. They want respect. They want to be heard. If you happen to get a table with the Hundredtimers, after that first meal just tell the Maitre D' (what kind of word is that - Russian??) you need a table with a little less chat. He and the Headwaiters always get requests to change after the first night, and they'll almost always be able to accommodate you. That doesn't mean changing your dining time, just finding a more comfortable table. You can also ask for a table just for yourselves, and a small tip goes a long way towards making that happen if you like privacy.

5) THE WHINEONAS. The Whineona family is a wee bit picky about things. They got chocolates on their pillow, but were disappointed they were milk chocolate - they prefer dark. Their cabin was crisply prepared and neat as a pin, but they were disappointed it didn't have a larger closet. They were hoping for a free upgrade to the Owner's Suite, but were disappointed that they merely got a beautiful room that was exactly what they paid for. In case they sound familiar, the Whineonas are the anti-Whatevers. Please don't be a Whineona.

6) THE FUNZIES. Great people to find and hang out with. The Funzies will be involved in everything on board, constantly surrounded by smiles and laughter. They'll be 1st in line to sign up for the "Mr. Hairy Chest Contest", or "Miss Hot Legs". They'll be sticking nickels in the slot machine, and trying to win the coverall jackpot at Bingo. Doesn't matter if they win or lose, it's all about the moment, and sometimes the accompanying delicious beverages. The Funzies will make you laugh, and will make it feel like vacation.

7) THE OLD TAR. Nickname for a sailor, if you didn't know. He knows his ships, and everything on board is compared to the USS Davey Crockett he served on back in the Big One. He's an interesting guy to chat with from a historical perspective, and usually talks about the wife needing to find her sea legs. You'll often see him at the bar, talking the ear off one of the officers who came in to meet single girls, but got stuck with Popeye.

8) THE YERKIDDINGS. I like the Yerkiddings. Having sailed 'round the world myself, and traveled across the US of A as a musician, it's not uncommon for me to meet someone from an obscure place and still find something in common. So, where are you folks from? Iowa? Man, I nearly froze to death in Oelwein Iowa a few years back. YERKIDDING us -- you know Iowa? Wow, this is great!
I used to work with Purser Don, who always had fun with people on board when making small talk. No matter where you were from, Don had heard of it. It always made me laugh when he'd ask someone where they were from, and they'd say New York City, or Los Angeles, and Don would fire back with a straight face, "New York City, eh.....I've heard of it".

9) THE NORMS. You can never go wrong hangin' with the Norms. They're just like you and me. John and Jane Norm, and their kids Wally and The Beaver. The Norms won't try to one-up you in conversation. They'll just talk to you and take an interest in what you say or do. They'd make great pals to go see the islands with, and you'll exchange phone numbers and let's do this again next year. The Norms make up the vast majority of the people you'll meet, and your job will seem a million miles away.

10) THE STUPE-DOGGS. Never a huge fan of hyphenated names myself (pick one and run with it is what I say), the Stupe-Dogg family has many things except this: A clue. Their entire lives start with "Well lemme ask you this...". They're legendary amongst cruise ship employees, and books have even been written about them. Most notably What Time Is The Midnight Buffet? They want to know if the crew sleeps on board. They want to know if the elevators go up AND down. I actually asked Granma Stupe-Dogg how her cruise was going, and she said TERRIBLE. My travel agent promised me I was going to cruise to the Grand Canyon. A bit startled, I composed myself after brief thought, and said "I believe they were talking about Grand Cayman, the island we visited Tuesday." Didn't help. She was 1 ticked-off Granny Goodwitch, who was going to drop that travel agent like a hot potato. For a slight moment I thought about taking out my Atlas, to show her it would be very difficult for a 100,000 ton cruise ship the size of 3 football fields to actually navigate the Colorado River, but I thought better of it. After all, this was the Stupe-Doggs. As Gilda Radner used to say as Roseanne Roseannadanna, NEVER MIND!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

As close to FREE as it gets

A lot of people out there think that because of high fuel prices, taking a cruise vacation is not affordable any more. Quite wrong, actually. If you have the flexibility to go when the ships are hurting, we are seeing some phenomenal prices out there. Particularly for Senior Citizens. Just today, I sold a client a full 7-night cruise on the Carnival Liberty about as close to FREE as it gets. Keep in mind, we're not talking about some 50-year old dog of a ship -- the Liberty was just built 3 years ago, entering service in July 2005. My clients are on a fixed income, and they can only travel when the price is right. Well, I booked them on the December 13th sailing of this ship, using a Senior Citizens promotion, and the cruise rate was only $220 per person! That's under $32 per person per day for meals, entertainment, and the full cruise for a week sailing the Caribbean. Avast, Mateys - that's a DEAL. Of course, there are a bunch of taxes that had to be added on.....$159 in port charges, $55.10 government fees and a $63 fuel supplement each person, but even when you add all that together they're cruising for less than $500 each, for a week on a beautiful new ship. That works out to just $71 per person per day even with all the taxes thrown in. At those kind of prices, it's cheaper to cruise than to stay home!

You see my fellow Americans, here's how deal pricing works. The cruise lines maximize their profits by building ENORMOUSLY LARGE ships that hold mucho many humans, so that during peak travel times (whenever schools are out such as Summer months, or particularly over Holidays like Christmas and New Year's) they are rolling in profits. Their internal costs of fuel, food and labor are divided out amongst those thousands of paying passengers, who are also spending money left and right buying shore trips, beverages (The Cap'n's favorite part), gifts and jewelry, onboard services, and gambling. And beverages. I did mention beverages, didn't I? That's why if you're investing in travel, cruise line stocks remain strong, while airline stocks are in the latrine.

But then there come the times when it's off-season for them, and it's very difficult to fill those monster-ships with enough folks. Like after Thanksgiving, but before Christmas. Teachers can't travel. Neither can families. Professors. School officials. Administators. Staff. Custodians & Maintenance. Yes, everybody cruises, but not when schools and colleges are in session! That puts a huge kink into the cruise line's demographic, so they reduce prices by a boat-load (get it?). People with flexibility to go when these deals come up can take 2 or 3 cruises a year, for what other people pay for 1. So why don't the cruise lines just keep prices up regardless, and deal with having half their cabins empty in the off-season? Because of how the staff is paid....

There's an antiquated International Seamen's law on the books, that states that every professional sailor in the world must make at least $45 per month. Yeah, it was written a long time ago when $45 per month ($1.50 per day) was a handsome living for a man to make. I'm thinking that was around 1993, but I could be wrong. Meanwhile, this old beat-up law remains on the books, and with most foreign-flag cruise companies, that's what they pay the waiters, busboys, and cabin stewards on their ships even today. Before you start feeling sorry for them though, the lines created a "gratuity" system that remains basically intact. They have tipping guidelines or recommendations, which are usually something like $3.50 per person per day for the waiter, same for the cabin steward, and about half that for their assistants. So a really snappy waiter with skills, although his salary is $45 per month, can easily make $500 or more per week, cash money, plus he's already being supplied room and board and medical care on top of that. For people from Caribbean nations, Eastern Europe, South America, the Phillipines, etc that can be some mighty fine money -- sometimes 10 times what they could make back home. But they pay for it with brutally long hours, and sleeping 4-6 in a dorm room situation, so it's a tough life but a rewarding one for good workers.

That brings us back to why don't they let the ships sail half-empty? That would mean these guys would be taking a 50% pay cut, and you'd have a revolution (mutiny) at sea. Yes they'll work in those conditions for the big tips, but if the cruise companies failed to fill the ships, it would make work conditions intolerable. From pure economics, it's in the cruise lines' best interest to fill the ships 100%, every week, every ship, to keep the peace and keep the crew happy. Even if on paper they're losing a little bit on some sailings, the onboard revenue makes up a healthy chunk, led by the casinos. On cruise products that don't have casinos, such as Disney or the NCL Hawaii cruise, it's a lot harder. They have to maintain higher pricing, and count on their niche in the marketplace to keep them going and keep demand high. You were expecting me to say "afloat", weren't you? Admit it!!

Out in the Caribbean, Ike is still being Ike, so all Eastern Texas residents need to keep a watchful eye. We don't know exactly when or where he's coming, but he's definitely coming and now assumed to be category 3-ish when he come's a-calling. VERY dangerous storm, so please look out for yourselves and your neighbors.

Monday, September 8, 2008

US Government Kisses Its Own Fannie

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were bailed out by the US Government this weekend, saved from implosion at least for the moment. What does that mean for you and me, the Joe Average investors of the world? Who the heck knows? If all goes well (and it usually does, doesn't it?), the housing market will stabilize, all the money we've lost in our 401K's will come back, the world will be grateful for our continued economic leadership and bluebirds will chirp as we hold hands and walk the golden road of life together, singing Kumbaya and eating Doritos right out of the bag (ZERO grams of Trans-Fat, by the way!).

Some people think the economy is a glass that's half empty, and some see it as half full. I look at it and say "Man - ain't that one of them Simpson's cartoon glasses that used to be a peanut butter jar?" The fact is, all taxpayers living and dead will be paying off this bailout for decades, all because of gluttons and swine among us, who despite having lousy or no credit just had to have that new Lexus or townhouse they couldn't afford. Now that's been up-chucked into our collective lap. Then again, isn't that the American Way? Bring us your tired, huddled, stupid masses who can't get a grip on their own checkbook, and we'll play sucker to their pathetic immaturity and inability to cope with the basics of reality. I know, I know, I'm just brimming with patriotism, optimism, and lots of other isms today. Ticks me off that a certain White House Administration has watched this situation fester for, oh, say about 8 years, and did nothing until now while countless lives were ruined. I say if there ever IS one, the "W" library should be built at the bottom of the ocean. Any divers interested enough to scuba down to it will find empty shelves, as there really wasn't much he could read that didn't have pictures in it anyway. Art imitating life.

Ike has emerged from the South of Cuba as still a category 2 storm, 100+ mph continuous winds, and is charting a path towards the Texas Gulf coast. A little good news for New Orleans, but lousy for Texans. Also apparently spared is the Cancun/Cozumel area on the Yucatan peninsula of Mexico. Ike seems like it will stay North of there. Those areas were so hard-hit a couple of years ago, and the hotels had to be re-built from scratch. By the law of averages, they were just about due for a pass. Keep an eye out, Texas. You're going to need some luck and a whole lot of prayers in short order.

For anyone cruising this week from Southern California, the West Coast is the Messed Coast. Maybe not as bad as Texas with Ike bearing down, but still pretty uncomfortable. Tropical storm Lowell is sitting just West of Cabo San Lucas, heading Northeast over the next day or 2 or 3. He's parked right in the path of any ships that left LA Saturday or Sunday, trying to get to their normal ports of call. About the only good news is that Lowell doesn't appear to be strengthening much, if at all. Just a royal pain to anyone trying to vacation or cruise in the area. That's September for you.....if you're anywhere in the tropics, you have to understand Mother Nature's normal sense of humor is lacking. At least until Halloween.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

I Don't Like Ike

This morning the beast is devouring the Turks and Caicos Islands, East-Southeast of the Bahamas. Radio reports from the islands say at least 50% of the homes and businesses there have at least lost their roof, or been totally destroyed. People are huddled in bathrooms or closets trying to ride out their worst nightmare. Ike's path has drifted slightly further South, so the entire island of Cuba from East to West is going to feel its wrath, unless there is a sudden turn. That's good news for Florida's Gold Coast, who will still feel plenty of wind and rain, but almost certainly not the direct hit they feared earlier in the week. As they say, one man's good news is another man's bad. If the path projects properly, Ike will cross Cuba as early as later tonight, and there are reports it could even upgrade to a category 5 just prior to landfall. Over the next couple of days, much of its intensity will be eaten up by the mountains of Cuba, with devastation on that poor island nation expected to be massive. Ike will eventually downgrade, but not completely. The computer models have Ike re-emerging in the Gulf of Mexico as a category 1 or 2, still full hurricane status or more. That unfortunately gives the storm plenty of room to reform and strengthen over the warm waters of the Gulf, before threatening Texas and Louisiana on its current path. Batten down the hatches, Mates. This one is a bloody mess, literally. Any prayers for people in Ike's path are more than welcome.

MUCH LIGHTER NOTE (it wouldn't take much):

Most people know E = MC2. However, there are very few people who know ECU = R2D2. Is this some kind of Star Wars formula? Some acronym for a droid, like Ewok Calculating Unit = R2D2? Eh, not so much. It's a formula denouncing Patsy. That's right. It says Patsy doesn't live here any more (many voices in unison..."what's he TALKING about???"). Let's just say that if you bring a number with you, ECU is going to reach over, take the number from you, and beat you senseless with it. Two weeks ago, Virginia Tech's football team was rated in the Top 20 nationwide, and figured they'd get their season started with a lopsided win over a little school, East Carolina. You know how that sort of thing goes. Penn State 107, Brainard College of Festive Arts 3. Oklahoma 99, Mother Teresa's Sisters of Mercy 3 (note that even the bad teams find some way to get a field goal....one of life's mysteries). So here come the big ugly meanies from Virgnia Tech, gonna kick some East Carolina University booty. That #17 ranking should slide up into the top 10 after this whoopin'. Problem # 1: nobody told Patsy. ECU came out and played straight up with them, and in the 4th quarter the defense put the game away. ECU 27, VA Tech 22. Yesterday, another team with a swagger came-a-calling, West Virginia ranked # 8 in the country. Number 8! Holy Cow, that's Top-10 and then some!! But the West Virginia coaching staff was ready. They saw what happened last week, and wanted to make sure their team was focused and prepared, so there would be no repeat of the patsy beating the Dark Side of The Force (just had to do another Star Wars reference, didn't you? *sigh*). The West Virginia coaches had watched game films of ECU/Va Tech 50 times, picking them apart, setting up a perfect game plan. Perfect. Bold print on the chalkboard:

Confidence, but no Over-Confidence!

The pre-game speech went something like "Boys, we're not making the same mistake Virginia Tech did. They came in here without a plan, and left with their tails between their legs. We're better than that. YOU are better than that! You've all practiced hard, you've got the desire, the will, the talent, and the game plan. So let's put all that to good use. This team you're facing plays hard, and they have confidence after last week. Let's knock that out of them! While they THINK they're good, we KNOW we're better. I want you to go out there and settle this on the field. Show them what West Virginia football REALLY looks like!"

They did show them. Problem # 2: Patsy was still on vacation. ECU not only played even with the big boys, they dominated them on both sides of the ball, all day. I mean ALL day. If people didn't know who those guys in the white-and-gold were, if they didn't have the WV on their helmets, someone could have tuned in late and said "Man -- who's this patsy East Carolina is playing today?" Final score: 24-3 East Carolina over # 8 WVU. Did I mention that even 8th-ranked teams find a way to get a field goal? So did you figure out the formula yet? ECU= R2D2?

EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY=RANKED TWO, DEFEATED TWO!

Somewhere, Patsy is smiling.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Y' Ikes!

Hanna made her way across the Carolinas, and now is dropping it's liquid wrath on the Northeastern US. Surprisingly, there has been a lot of flooding in the Virginia / Washington DC area, even though its landfall was much further south and much less dramatic from a damage standpoint. So Hanna is still a story, but she's not THE story.

That dishonor falls to Ike, the extremely-compact storm that keeps fluctuating between categories 2-3-and 4. Unfortunately it's picking up steam again now, and continues on a Westward path, while being gently nudged further and further south. Every nudge is better and better news for Floridians. Just 24 hours ago, Miami was in the crosshairs, and now it's looking more like Havana. Even though politically we're not friendly with Cuba, we're still humans and no one wishes a category 4 hurricane on anyone else, friend or foe. Does that mean the US is out of the woods? Not by a long shot. As easily as this storm steered South, it could change its mind and come right after South Florida again. If they should be fortunate enough to escape, the computer models still have bad news for some Americans. It's too soon to tell, but a half-dozen models show the storm hitting and crossing Cuba, then turning north on a path towards the recently-hit Gulf Coast. And in the cone of uncertainty, New Orleans. Here are the latest projections (scroll down the page to view, and you can also check other links):

http://www.wunderground.com/tropical/tracking/at200809_model.html#a_topad

See what I mean? UGLY. Anything is possible with hurricanes, but we strongly advise anyone living along the Southeast Atlantic or Gulf Coast, or anyone with family in those locations, to stay in touch and stay ready. You DO NOT want to mess with this storm, period. People thinking they can ride out a 4 could re-create Katrina for themselves.

Congratulations to my alma mater, the Fighting Nothings of Ohio University. Actually, it's the Bobcats, but their football program has been moderate at best for a few years....basically since BC turned to AD. But they had the lead for a while today on in-state rival Ohio State, who normally uses Ohio U. as a cleat-sharpener. I said for a while! So we lost, big deal. We played like men. Or at least really big boys. Again, oh sacred alma mater, I honor the Bobkittens on this here blog 'o mine. If you're unfamiliar with the green-and-white (I know, REALLY tough-sounding colors), Ohio University's claim to fame for decades has been that it's one of the top beer-drinking schools per capita in the nation. Woo hoo! I say "Let's go out and win one for the Sipper." Even if you can't be proud of much, you pick your battles.....

Friday, September 5, 2008

Mutiny On The Bouncy

There are reports that Carnival's cruise ship "Carnival Miracle" experienced something highly unusual in the last 24 hours, a mutiny by passengers. Well, kind of. The ship was scheduled to sail this week from New York to ports of call in The Caribbean, but only got as far as The Bahamas. That's because there are a string of tropical storms and a category 4 potentially killer hurricane blocking the path. You would think the passengers would be grateful to the Captain, for invoking the seldom-used fine print in everyone's cruise contract, and altering the itinerary for their safety and comfort. We're not talking about thunderstorms here, these are enormous storms that have proven deadly on various islands already, and here's the most important part. Let's say the Captain got gutsy (incredibly foolish), and tried to still go to these ports. Just in the last 48 hours, hurricane Ike went from 60mph winds to 145mph, in the blink of an eye. Cruise ships in calm water have a maximum top-speed of about 22-25mph (I know, it's knots, but I'm talking to the laymen here!). However, in major swells or waves, a ship may only be able to forge ahead 4-5mph in terrible conditions. That means a storm could potentially catch a ship, engulf it, and between passengers and crew endanger the lives of nearly 5,000 souls!

Do you think the New York crowd cared about that? Lemme think..........eh NO! They piled up a mob at the Purser's Desk shouting "refund, refund", and scaring the sane passengers half to death. It gets worse. They wanted to SHOW THE CRUISE LINE WHO'S BOSS, so they all went up to the Purser's Desk and demanded that all gratuities be removed from their bills. Yes, punish the waiters and busboys and cabin stewards for your stupidity and arrogance. How absurd. It shows what weak minds led by a bully or two can do. Years ago, Cap'n Bob was Chief Purser on a ship that was supposed to go to 3 ports in Mexico on the West Coast. However, there was a huge and powerful storm off the coast of Baja Mexico that kept us from getting to any of the ports of call, for the safety of all aboard and the ship itself. Just like what happened on board the Miracle, I found myself in the Purser's Lobby facing down an angry crowd. They had made little signs and were picketing. I was tempted to come out and say "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Captain has seen your cardboard-and-crayon signs, and has decided you're right - the ship only has a value of $400,000,000 and we think it's more important for you to lay on the beach in Mazatlan in a driving wind, rain and lightning storm, and for you to be able to pick up $6 bottles of Kahlua, than to worry about things like people's lives. Therefore, the Captain has decided we're going directly into the belly of the beast. The Shore Excursion desk will re-open after lunch. Sorry we're out of Dramamine already, but you folks look like tough cookies...."

Instead, I came out and tried to explain all the REAL reasons for the Captain's actions, and of course I was shouted down by a few rowdy imbeciles. Then it happened. One of them grabbed me by the shirt collar and pushed me into a wall, and I looked at my staff and told them to SOS Security. I had not wanted to escalate the situation to that level, but yes there is an armed security detail on ships, and they arrived in about a minute after the SOS went out. I then made a second announcement to the crowd, explaining that none of their whims or whining was going to alter the fact that our priority and in fact our ONLY JOB at that point was the security and safety of all lives on board (I did it a wee bit nicer than that, but not by much). At that point, I further explained there is a Brig or prison to the nautically-challenged on board, 3 decks below water next to the ship's laundry, where it is always a comfortable 120 degrees Fahrenheit day and night. I told them I expected the lobby to be completely clear in less than 5 minutes, and expected it to remain that way for the duration of the cruise, as well as all other public areas of the ship. Anyone still remaining after 5 minutes, or caught starting another event like this would be forcibly restrained and imprisoned until we returned to Los Angeles, where they would be turned over to Federal authorities who would be charging them with International crimes at sea, including mutiny, piracy, kidnapping, and anything else they could think of to pile on.

The lobby cleared in about 3 minutes. I can tell you I was never more glad to see Sunday roll around, and the new passengers coming on board were all smiles. Just another day in paradise.

It's not widely reported, but these incidents are more common than you'd think on ships. Weather conditions can cause waves or swells, that can preclude ships from docking or anchoring in a scheduled port of call. Trust me, the cruise lines HATE THAT! Much of their profit comes from passengers buying trips ashore, and when they miss a port they know people will be disappointed, angry, and there is no profit for the company. It's a lose/lose/lose, but it comes with the territory. Having said that, anytime a paying passenger feels the least bit jilted, regardless of the circumstance, there tends to be these impromptu town meetings where people regress, converting themselves from an insurance agent and a surgeon, to Ogg and Glog, modern cavemen extraordinaire. If this is the human race, I'll meet you at the finish line.