Friday, October 23, 2009

Hang On Soupy!

I wish he still COULD hang on, but unfortunately TV funny-man Soupy Sales died last night, at the age of 83. I was fortunate enough to grow up in the 50's and 60's, when TV was still experimenting, trying to find its footing, what it was and what it could be. Very un-like the trite formulas, copycat re-writing and animated everything that's out there now. As a boy, all I wanted to do was GET OUT OF SCHOOL and go play. Didn't matter if it was baseball, football, exploring sewers, throwing stuff at other stuff, it was just the best part of every day. In fact, it was hard to even get me to come in for dinner, if there was still light outside. But there was one thing that got me to come in. The Soupy Sales Show. Corny, crazy, and WAY more adult than most parents realized, there was something about this guy that just made you laugh out loud. Unfortunately, he got a little too "adult" on his live broadcast a couple of times, and parental complaints led to it going off the air prematurely. Soupy later tried his hand at film (Birds Do It), and had a few stints on game shows where the next generation became mildly aware of him, but unless you witnessed the creativity and daring of his live comedy show, you never really saw him at his best. Or worst, depending on your point of view. Most girls never got Soupy Sales. Like they don't get The 3 Stooges. That's ok though, because most guys never got The Brady Bunch or Family Affair. But for pure wackiness or zaniness (the amount of wack or zane in your humor), Soupy Sales ruled.

Now that I'm on the subject of my youth, I'll list my favorite TV shows from my formative years so you can get an idea of why I am who I am today. These are not necessarily in the order I would rank them. But I'll tell you my favorite show of all time was The Fugitive with David Janssen. Absolutely the best-cast lead role of all time. My faves:

The Fugitive
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Combat!
Twilight Zone
The Ed Sullivan Show (Beatles)
Ben Casey
Green Acres
The Soupy Sales Show
Any 3 Stooges that was not a movie
Streets Of San Francisco
Your Show Of Shows (Sid Caesar)
Mission Impossible

and...a few years later:

Monty Python's Flying Circus

Yeah, I watched I Love Lucy, Gunsmoke, Flipper, Wagon Train, Dick Van Dyke or whatever else my parents had on the screen, but those were just things to watch. The ones that set the tone for my sense of humor, drama and that helped mold my personality were the biggies on that list. The night The Beatles played on Ed Sullivan changed the course of my life forever. That night I became a musician, which led to getting a job years later working on a cruise ship, and now I'm here. Thank you Paul, John, George and Ringo - it's been quite a ride. My favorite "stupid comedy" of all time is Green Acres, and my favorite character was farm agent Hank Kimball, who was played by a man named Alvy Moore. One day I was working as a Purser on Carnival's "Tropicale" out of Los Angeles, and was in the main lounge helping sell tour tickets. Off to my right, I heard a voice buying shore excursions, and I immediately looked over and said "I know you - you're Alvy Moore!" The man had a stunned look on his face, and came over to talk to me after the tour sales had concluded. He said "Actually, my name is Jack Moore but when I became an actor somebody was already using that name, so I had to become Alvy Moore. But normally people come up and call me Hank Kimball - how did you know my real name?" I explained that he was my favorite character, and it's just one of those things I knew and remembered. He introduced me to his wife, and for the next few days I was able to hang out with him on the ship, have a couple of beers together, and just talk about stuff. That was very cool. It's also a bit strange that my two favorite TV characters ever were Hank Kimball and Dr. Richard Kimble.

Some things never change. And there are others that do, but probably shouldn't. According to the Honolulu Advertiser newspaper, a woman filed paperwork to have her name legally changed. Her name was Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanihenoheno Kam Paghmani, which she felt was uncomfortably long. Imagine that! She filed to change it to Waiaulia Alohi Anail Ke Alaamek Kawaipi Olanihenoheno Kam, dropping the surname Paghmani. Now that's progress.
You go, girlfriend.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What about BOB?

My last name is Birthisel. My Dad had the good fortune to be born into a family of comedians, who without hesitation hung the name Prescott Ariel Birthisel on him. He lived with it for about 20 years, but upon joining the Coast Guard his drill instructor asked him his name. "Prescott Ariel Birthisel, SIR!" came the sharp reply. Sharper yet was the drill instructor's comeback:

"That's not the name of a human, son. That sounds like a goat. Prescott Ariel Birthisel just ate my shoes. You are a human, son, although I might question that with a last name of Birthisel. Whenever I need you, I'm going to just say 'Bert' and you will respond. Is that understood? From this day forward you are Bert. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

Apparently so, because from that day forward he WAS Bert, allowing only the occasional relative such as his Mother to call him Prescott. When Dad married Mom, his first words to her were "If we have sons they'll be Bill and Bob, and if we have daughters they'll be Mary and Sue." Oh, did I mention he had an Aunt Anasthasia Keppleblossom Birthisel? Yeah, Mary and Sue ought to solve that little life-dilemma. Turns out, no girls every popped into the picture, just Bill and Bob as advertised. It still leaves me with my twisted little mind, so that when someone asks my name and I say Bob Birthisel, and they say "spell that," I always say B-O-B. The reason I brought it up in the first place is because celebrities these days seem to go out of their way to find a name that will live in infamy for their kids. Gwyneth Paltrow seemed to think Apple sounded like a nice human name. Michael Jackson has Blanket. Nicklaus Cage named his son Kal-El (the Kryptonian name for the guy we know as Superman). Jason Lee of "My Name Is Earl" has a young'un named Pilot Inspektor and no, that's not misspelled. Did you know David Duchovny and Tea Leoni had a kid? Yep...named him Kyd. Sylvester Stallone must have been re-living his Rambo years when he named his child Sage Moonblood. Kind of makes Prescott Ariel Birthisel sound sing-songy in the grand scheme of things. Well, now there's Nicole Ritchie who decided 3 names certainly were not enough for her sprout, Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Sparrow. For a little boy. A little boy who is absolutely certain to get the crud kicked out of him, every day of his life until he learns to go by James (Midnight won't fare much better than Sparrow). I had to Google a picture of a sparrow, just to see why that name might fit. Just a non-descript gray-and-brown little bird. Certain birds work as names for humans. Raven works well for girls with jet-black hair. Hawk sounds kind of tough. Just about everyone knows someone named Jay. But Sparrow? I don't get it. I'm guessing if Nicole's Dad Lionel Ritchie had used a drunken sense of humor, and named her Octoberspicket Pansy Foofaw Witchy Ritchie, her sons wouldn't be going through this. Bill and Bob, they'd be...

In case you still have thoughts of getting away before the end of 2009, you'll be pleasantly surprised that while the Dow has passed 10,000, cruise prices have dipped to near-historic lows for last-minute travelers. Even Christmas and New Year's cruises that are normally 2-3 times the standard price are offering some respite on pricing. Not necessarily if you need a "special" cabin that holds 4 or 5 people, but I'm still seeing very fair double occupancy rates out there, almost across the board. They won't last long, though. So if you still have that get-outta-town Jones poking at you, pick up your phone and call The Cap'n.

HALLOWEEN XVII- Jason, is that you?!

In Los Angeles, it's not uncommon for people to go all-out decorating their homes or apartments for special occasions. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and in particular Halloween will draw lots of creative people out of the woodwork, trying to spice up the neighborhood. Ghosts and ghouls and ghastly sights are the norm in October. But neighbors in one area of LA were transfixed by the realism of a balcony display, as they walked their puppies or jogged around the block. There he was, a scraggly gray corpse drooped over in a chair, with "blood" flowing down the side of his face in the spookiest way. Lots of people commented on it, and told their friends to check it out. After 4 days passed, there was a strange, ever-so-bad smell that started to permeate the neighborhood. Upon closer inspection, passers-by realized it was the actual body of a 75-year-old man, who had been decorating the balcony for Halloween, when he apparently got into the spirit a bit too much and shot himself in the head. Authorities were called, and have ruled the death an apparent suicide. Not sure what's going to happen with the 5 unopened bags of candy found inside his aparment, but maybe Sparrow can come over and hand out packets of birdseed.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

VACATION, All I Ever Wanted!

Never a big fan of the GoGo's in the 80's, but that classic line really stands out today. USAToday on line has an interesting article today, called the "Great Airline Sale of 2009 may be nearing an end." It's talking about how hard the airline industry was hit during the recession, and many carriers threw open their arms, welcoming travelers to book at money-losing ticket prices. As an example, Southwest was running a deal for $99 each way, to just about anywhere they flew. Now that has slowly crept up to $149 each way. Do the math, and waiting for a better deal has already cost you $100 per person. Other airlines are following suit with the rate increases, gently edging prices upward, in at least an attempt at regaining some of their former profitability. That means the vacation you've postponed, waiting for prices to go even lower, is just about to pull the welcome mat out from under you! Don't worry, it's not too late, if you pick up the phone to call me, or point and click your mouse to email me (or for those of you who are super-cool with the mouse-less keyboard, just rub and aim and press or whatever you do to contact somebody). Bottom line, I deal with a number of wholesalers who still have "bulk" air prices available to high-tourism destinations, when combined with a hotel stay. These bulk prices are often LOWER than what's available to the general public who tries to piece together a flight and hotel vacation. But availability is tightening, there's no doubt about that. Every day you sit and wait for the next big thing, it's putting you another day behind the proverbial 8-Ball, and costing you your hard-earned cash. Hotels, resorts and cruise ships all have wonderful price breaks going on, so VACATION is still within your grasp. Free nights, discount rates, extra amenities, spa and golf credits, you name it and they're offering it. Biblically speaking, "This too shall pass!" None of the hotels, ships etc. wants to give their product away long-term, so while the marketplace is working in your favor, you need to drop what you're doing and drop some coin on a vacation. Your wife or husband or kids or grandparents or whomever will love you for it! Don't have any of the above? Traveling single? Even more important to call now. When traveling as a single, you're always paying a premium or supplement, and this type of hotel/resort/cruise special pricing puts money right back in your pocket by lowering your overall cost. And many of the best deals are for people who can get up and go before the end of 2009. Once the Holiday Season and Old Man Winter hits, all bets are off. People who live in Northern states and Canada will pay anything to get warm, and the suppliers know that! It's called High Season, and it comes every year. So take advantage of getting away before the Holiday Season, before the big ball drops in Times Square, and you'll save the most money possible on your VACATION - Isn't that all you ever wanted?

Mmmmmm....Guppy Tartar

According to Police in California, a woman recently had a spat with her ex-husband, after he took back some jewelry he had given her. When he refused to return the jewelry, police say the woman took matters into her own hands. Then into her own stomach. The ex-husband returned home, and found that his 7 pet goldfish were missing. He called Police, saying he was sure his ex was to blame for the disappearance of the golden guppies. When officers went to the woman's house to confront her, she didn't deny it at all, saying only "They're in the kitchen." That's where officers found 4 of the 7 goldfish, fried on a plate with some French fries and a side salad. When asked where the other 3 were, she calmly replied, "I already ate those." After further investigation, Police say no charges will be filed, because the fish were purchased when the two people were still a couple, and thus are considered community property.

In a related story, McDonald's is looking for ways to add Fishy McBites to their .99cent super-value menu. Coincidence?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Blanketty Blanc!

While my blog normally emphasizes travel-related items or bizarre niche comedy, sometimes I just want to become One with the Universe. Today is one of those days. If you've read my autobiographical material on here (and OF COURSE you already have, because I'm so interesting), you know that music is an important part of my life. Having been a musician for years, I've railed against the fact that most music died a painful death years ago, when rap and hip-hop took over from melody and harmony. But I still visit one of my favorite websites, http://www.melodicrock.com/ for the latest rock news and CD reviews, and over the years I've discovered a lot of unknown talent - at least unknown in the USA. Two of my favorite bands, Gotthard from Switzerland, and House Of Lords (actually from LA!) were among the gems plucked from this site. Today, there's another. Two very unassuming-looking brothers from the west coast of France, Robbie and Brian LeBlanc. The name of their band is the BLANC FACES, and they write impeccably-crafted songs, with excellent storytelling lyrics, unexpected melody and rhythm patterns, surprisingly-catchy vocals, super-tight backup musicians, and nobody's ever heard of them in the US. Well, let's change that! They have a CD out from 2005 that received excellent critical reviews in Europe, and a new CD is coming in November of 2009. It will be called "Falling From The Moon." Here is a link to watch the title track on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qACZAcyq0pI (crank it up)

My normal lean is towards a heavier rock side, but when I see talent like this I stand up and take notice. I'll be all over the new CD when it breaks, and you should be able to pick it up on Ebay or Amazon, if your local store doesn't carry it. Their bandmembers collectively have worked with such artists as Toto, John Mellencamp, Survivor, Bobbie Kimball and Ronnie Spector, to name a few. Unknown, unheard, but really GOOD STUFF from Blanc Faces!

Chalk One Up For High-Tech:

Police in Oklahoma City confirm that 3 people tried to rob a suburban apartment over the weekend, but were foiled from halfway around the World. Maribel Chouinard, the wife of a Tinker Air Force Base Master Sergeant, is living in the Philippines while her husband is currently stationed State-side in Oklahoma. She happened to check the webcam the couple uses to communicate, and saw 3 men burglarizing their home. She immediately called her husband, who in turn called Police Chief Brandon Clabes, and officers were able to nab the suspects, who were found near the apartment with numerous items from the home when they arrived. Chief Clabes says all three were identified via the internet, from a photo lineup e-mailed to Mrs. Chouinard in the Philippines. Book 'em, Danno.

I said, "Thou Shalt Not" and I MEANT it!

Police in New Brighton, PA (near Pittsburgh) said a woman attending a church service there put a forged $50 check in the offering plate. The bank told the Pastor of First Presbyterian Church in New Brighton that the check he deposited came back, having come from a stolen checking account. Immediately after that same church service, another member of the congregation reported her wallet had been taken, apparently right out of the pew where she had been seated. New Brighton police Chief Charles Van Fossan said Tuesday they have a description of the suspect, and they're searching for a 20-something-year-old woman. The suspect appears to have also used a credit card from the stolen wallet, to buy $200 worth of merchandise from a nearby dollar store (if my math is right, that's 200 items). Police said the woman matches the description of a suspect who stole a credit card from another church a week earlier, and tried to get a $16,000 cash advance. The bank declined her request. Forget about the Po-Lice. This loser will be answering to a Higher Power down the road. Good luck with that, Nadine...

Sunday, October 4, 2009

WINGS -- $50 Each?

That would sound absurd if we were talking about chicken wings, even if they were from Frank & Teresa's Anchor Bar, the original Buffalo, NY home of the hot wing (and MAN are they good!). Even more absurd would be if, in this crazy atmosphere of airline fees, that was an add-on to your ticket price, to make sure your plane actually had wings. "You DO want to get off the ground, don't you?" We may not be far from that, particularly if Ryanair has any say-so in the matter. I've denounced airline add-ons that border on insanity, and Ryanair, the low-cost carrier servicing Europe, leads the pack. They are a bare-bones operation based in Ireland & The UK, and even though you may not know their name, you probably heard about an airline charging to use the restroom. Ryanair. Most people thought it was a joke, but the brainchildren at Ryanair are constantly trying to extract the most money possible, while still pretending to fly under the label "low-cost." This time instead of your typical add-on fees, they've created a new penalty. Penalties have a historical basis, such as airlines charging for overweight fliers, whose hips and "surroundings" spill over from 1 seat into another, being forced to buy that additional seat. Ryanair, as always, takes things to another level, with a penalty aimed directly at Senior Citizens and poor people trying to travel. That might sound ludicrous, but the details bear it out. Ryanair's latest move is to REQUIRE all passengers to check-in online. It doesn't matter if you happen to be in your 70's, 80's or 90's and don't own a computer. Or if you happen to be poor, and maybe you're only flying because a relative is dying or to attend a funeral, but you don't own a computer due to financial hardship. There are lots of scenarios, and while it's true most public libraries have computers, not everyone lives in or near a city, or has easy access to a library. I guarantee you people like my Mom who is 87, don't even know where the On/Off switch is on a computer. REQUIRED by Ryanair. You're probably asking yourself how big a deal is the penalty for NOT checking in online? Unbelievable. People coming to the airport without going online will be assessed, and I'm quoting here, an "EMERGENCY CHECK-IN FEE" of $40L (British Pounds), which is equal to about $64 US. They're calling it a "ticket re-issue" fee, which is not even true. We're talking about E-Tickets, as in E for electronic. No ticket was ever issued, so how could there be a re-issue fee? As crazy as that sounds, it gets worse.
The $64 is EACH WAY! Hopefully there will be enough tirades and bad publicity for Ryanair, that they will quickly drop this ridiculous idea. The UK media is blasting them from all sides already.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Just in case any of you thought, "Well, it serves people right who are stuck in the 20th century. They need to just figure out how to get to a computer, and they could have checked in online for free." You forgot one important point. We're talking Ryanair. No, if you do the REQUIRED online check-in, just like needing to use the lavatory onboard their planes, nothing is free. There is a $5L Pound fee (about $8 US) just for logging on to their website to do your required check-in! And yes, that thought that just popped into your head is correct - that $8 US required online check-in fee is EACH WAY! For all my customers who travel to Europe, I'll leave you with this: There is right, and there is wrong.
Ryanair is wrong: Boycott them.

Earlier in the blog I mentioned chicken, and unlike Buffalo where chicken makes people happy, in Boston it makes some people sad. Or worse. Earlier this week, a couple in line at Kentucky Fried Chicken started complaining, because the people in front of them were moving too slowly with their orders. The two became incensed and started yelling profanities, as if that were going to speed up the decision between extra crispy or original recipe. Another customer asked them to please stop with the verbal assault, for the sake of the children in line. According to Boston Police, 31-year-old Jared Garfagna then punched the man in the head, and his girlfriend, 24-year-old Sara Mohn, kicked the victim when he fell to the ground. Both were arrested and charged with assault and battery. The victim had cuts on his eyelid and wrists but refused medical treatment at the scene. I guess the moral to the story is....eh....no, there is no moral to the story. But when in Boston, stick to burgers. And maybe the drive-through.

Things weren't much better in Columbus, Ohio this week. 80-year-old Ralph Needs was the victim of a recent home invasion, where he was tied up and pistol-whipped by at least 3 intruders, who broke into his house. Mr. Needs' nose was broken and his pickup truck, computer and credit cards were stolen. After conferring with his sons, he decided it was time to take a self-defense course, and buy a gun for protection. During the self-defense lesson this week, Mr. Needs' new 9mm pistol went off as one of his sons was loading it, shooting Ralph in the hand. Groveport, Ohio Police have ruled the case as an accident, and no charges will be filed. Mr. Needs is resting at home. Boston might be safer. Maybe Ryanair can fly you there...

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Final Frontier...or maybe not.

Congratulations to Frontier Airlines, who is emerging from bankruptcy out West. Many of my clients near the Rockies have been nervous, hoping Frontier didn't go under for good, since their low-cost business model has helped hold down travel costs for them. True there's always Southwest Airline, but they don't fly everywhere and Frontier at least keeps them honest. Here on the East Coast, we could use a little more competition to hold down prices, and Charlotte seems to always be on the higher end of things since it's a USAirways hub. That's why so much of what I sell is a "package deal" that includes discounted airfare along with a discounted hotel. Even though the stock market has come roaring back over the last 6 months, there are still some nice travel bargains out there when you package flights and hotels together. DID YOU KNOW, on occasion, it's cheaper to buy a package than it is just the airline tickets? Even if you don't really need a hotel. It's true. That's something I can help locate for you, when it's available.

For anyone who can travel on short notice, this has been an incredibly calm hurricane season (which is winding down to its final month anyway), so grab that Visa card and call me. Let's see if we can't still find you a quick getaway to Florida or The Caribbean at a bargain price this year!

A funny thing happened to me in Vegas last week. I've always enjoyed watching greyhounds race, and happen to know my stuff when it comes to wagering (plus I'm a firm believer in greyhound adoption programs, once their racing days are over). While cashing some football winners at The Venetian, I noticed a greyhound race was coming up and asked if they had a program. They did, and after careful consideration I bet the 8-7-2 trifecta and exacta box. Easy win....the only 3 good dogs in the race. So I was a bit stunned at the end of the race to see it finish 4-5-1. And while all 3 of those dogs were....well, DOGS, somehow the public had been betting them as favorites, and not betting the dogs I liked. Huh? I've picked puppies for 30+ years, and something struck me as odd that my dogs never even competed. So I waited for the official results, and the presentation of the winner. When his name came up on the screen, and the names of the 2nd and 3rd place finishers, I was startled. I walked over to the Casino Manager and told him the wrong dogs won the race. He said "Sir, that's gambling - you never know who's going to win." I politely said, "I understand that, but I'm saying the WRONG DOGS won the race! Look at the program." To his amazement, Race 8 at Palm Beach had 8 dogs listed (including the ones I bet on), but the names of the 3 dogs that finished 1-2-3 were different names than what appeared in the program! He looked and looked, and suddenly said "Charlie - throw all these programs out. The cover says Monday, but all the races inside were the dogs from Sunday! The track screwed up when they sent them to us." Nobody else had caught it, that the racing forms they had were all from the wrong day. But I've got a nose for greyhounds, and enough savvy to know something was up. He couldn't give me my money back on the bets I had made by Nevada law, but instead he gave me a $25 "comp" meal at the restaurant, which I felt was fair. At least I broke even and proved a point, that when it comes to watching greyhounds, I know my pups! By the way, I highly recommend the Spaghetti Carbonara with a side order of snap peas, if you're ever at Venetian's Grand Luxe Cafe, whether you have a $25 voucher or not. Double-doggie-delicious!

As much as I like to gamble, I rarely if ever play the Lottery. Years ago in Florida, I bought $10 worth of tickets every week for about 9 months, and finally hit 3 numbers. Paid just under $7. As a former math major, it didn't take long to figure that chasing the lollipop made me a sucker. During recent courtroom proceedings in Kansas, former radio executive Paul W. Lyle admitted he had embezzled an estimated $88,000 from his employer, American Media Investments, to support his addiction to scratch-off lottery tickets. During his preliminary hearing, he received notification that he had actually won the grand prize in a 2nd-chance drawing, including a boat, NASCAR tickets and lots of cash, with a total value of $96.000. Prosecutors say the prize money will go toward paying restitution to his former employer. Lyle pleaded guilty, and will be sentenced Nov. 30th, with his conviction carrying a range of 5 to 17 months in prison. Sounds like his lottery luck wasn't a heck of a lot better than mine! Dude - take up greyhound racing, and CALL ME!

Isn't technology great?

Some of the new phone systems will do everything you want them to, and MORE. More as in, doing some things you DON'T want them to! Case in point is Martin Tennessee Middle School, in the Western part of the state. Their new phone system has a feature, which allows the Principal's Office to send out an automated call at 9 a.m. each day, to notify families whose children are absent that they have been marked as such for the day. The theory was that if kids were truant, a.k.a. "playing hooky" without the parent's knowledge, this would provide a fantastic service to them, thanks to Ma Bell and the super-cool new phone system. Eh, maybe not so much. WCMT Radio in Martin reported that when the truancy call went out on Wednesday, it accidentally went to the parents of all 475 students at the school! Principal Nate Holmes said dozens of anxious parents called or showed up immediately after the incident, many fearing their kids were either truant (bad news) or kidnapped (worse news). The school quickly sent out another call, explaining there had been an electronic communications error. Principal Holmes went on to say the new phone system isn't as "user friendly" as the old one....