World Cup Fever? Don't take Ibuprofen!

The World Cup is all abuzz in South Africa. And that seems to be a major hurdle in Americans getting behind this international event. Every time you turn on a "futbol" match, you hear this horrendous buzzing noise that sounds like a swarm of killer bees has invaded your TV. But it's not bees, and it's not really buzzing, it's vuvuzelas. Huh? Vuvuzela may sound like a body part of some sort, but it's actually a super-annoying plastic horn, the equivalent of running a kazoo through a stack of Marshall amplifiers. It would be one thing to blow them for 5 minutes when a goal is scored. Or to voice disapproval over a bad call by the umpire or referee or linesman or whatever you call those guys. No, the apparent purpose of a vuvuzela is to blow it and maintain the loudest, most constant shrill call you can produce, until you either die or someone says "Hey, they turned out the lights.....I think it's time to go home." You want local flavor, this is it. That is, if you want the local flavor to be burned cauliflower soaked in turpentine. Mmm-Mmm Good! ESPN even has their professional sound engineers trying to modify broadcasts by blocking a certain frequency that the vuvuzela produces, but with little or no result. Just like a kazoo, the harder you blow the sound tends to go up or down, not remaining at a constant drone that could be "bleeped" electronically. So as long as this tournament goes on, get used to that bee-like buzz riding squarely between your eyebrows in the center of what's left of your brain. Still, you have to love a sport that pits superpowers like Brazil and Spain against countries the size of a K-Mart and its parking lot, with names no one can pronounce accurately, all in the name of good sport. Over the weekend, I actually gave it the old college try, watching pre-game analysis with some experts in the field who were hyping things up. In particular, they were talking about the ultra-aggressive Argentinian squad built solely on offense, going against the incredibly-gifted athletes of Nigeria. One expert was saying, "These teams are offensive juggernauts, and their potential to fill the net is almost unrivaled during this World Cup.....I fully expect TWO GOALS." That's not 2 apiece, he was saying these guys were so potent at scoring, he expected a TOTAL of 2 goals for the match. The other analyst chimed in, "Yes - there should be fireworks aplenty!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Hey guys - did you know in the NBA Finals they're scoring 50-60 points per quarter? Times 4? Say what you want about athleticism and defense, I'm a huge sports fan, but in a nutshell I can wrap up my World Cup feelings in 4 words: I don't get it. Turns out, the experts were only half right, with the final score being a whopping 1 for Argentina, and 0 (or "nil") for poor Nigeria. Personally, until they figure out a way to increase scoring, or even more importantly stop allowing games to end in a tie which Americans HATE, this sport is doomed to kids on local Saturday morning soccer fields in the USA, and the mini-van Moms that brought them.

Here's my suggestion for increasing scoring, where you wouldn't need some sort of bogus shootout at the end. Just take some players off the field, and allow much more freedom of substitution. If you had about 2-3 fewer players per side (my suggestion is 2), it would dramatically open up the field, making for more 1-on-1 plays and a whole lot more scoring. Then you'd have something. Kind of. You still have to get rid of the guys over-acting like WWE professional wrestlers, every time someone gets within 5 yards of them. Seeing some guy carried off on a stretcher, only to come back into the match a minute later, is not heroic. It's embarrassing. I'll stick with my plain old NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL for now. All you FIFA guys work on it and get back to me.

It was reported this week that a 3-year-old girl from China has reportedly been smoking and drinking ever since she was in a car accident when she was 2. Ya Wen's mother says Ya was knocked down by a speeding van and was taken to a hospital, where she was in a coma for a week. Ya wasn't fully recovered for several months, but one day after returning home, her mother found her secretly smoking cigarettes she had stolen from her father. After talking to Ya about it, she also found out the little girl had been addicted to cigarettes for about a year, and had also begun drinking. "Three glasses of beer is no problem for her," Ya's mom says. Doctors can't tell why Ya had suddenly developed the habits of a late-teenager, but say the head injuries she suffered in the accident may be to blame. No mention was made of either Ya's mother or father being Chinese Parent Of The Year candidates.

NOT at your local Dairy Queen:

Oh those Brits. If it's not big fuzzy hats on the Buckingham Palace guards, it's catastrophic oil spills on our pristine beaches. What can they think of next? This summer across the U.K, there is a new flavor of ice cream being promoted as the next big thing. Fish-and-chips flavored ice cream is coming to a pub near you. The unique flavor involves creamed cod-flavored ice cream coated in a vanilla-and-pepper batter, accompanied with potato ice cream chips made with Maris Piper potatoes. The entire dairy treat is served with salt, vinegar and lemon wedges.
Do these guys know how to party or what? I'm guessing they other traditional flavors such as kidney or tripe were less appetizing than creamed cod. Question: Did the British run out of chocolate or something? Maybe anything sounds good after a dozen warm dark ales on a Saturday night outing with the lads....