Flying With Oprah?

There's very little likelihood you'll ever be sitting in seat 27D, and find Oprah Winfrey in 27E. That doesn't mean you have to miss out on the "O" experience, though. Particularly if you fly certain airlines. In April of this year, Continental began matching competitors such as Jet Blue, Virgin America, and Frontier by installing DirectTV screens on its most popular routes. By 2011, they hope to have 220 domestic aircraft updated, giving you (for a fee, of course) access to 77 channels of satellite television mid-flight. Nobody really misses the in-flight movies, which tended to be G or PG or "sanitized" beyond recognition anyway. Remember how you'd grab the airline's seatpocket magazine, and get excited when you saw it was the new James Bond movie they were showing, then be crushed when you noticed it said Eastbound, while you were headed Westbound? Yeah, not too often. More frequently, there was some bust-of-a-movie that flopped directly from the box office to your stinkin' flight. Now, though, you can catch up on your Oprah. Or SportsCenter. Or watch live sports, headline news, or whatever happens to be your calling (within reason). Initially, Continental is matching Frontier's $6 price tag per person for service, while offering it free to First and Business Class. If it's anything like luggage fees, it'll probably head skyward faster than the plane itself. You can almost imagine $6 to get ABC, CBS and NBC, then being sold "upgrade packages" for premium channels. Oh well, I'm probably just going to rock out with my IPod anyway, but it's good to know if I'm ever jonesing to watch a Beverly Hillbillies re-run, the world will be my oyster. That's a saying that never made sense to me, but it popped into my brain just as I was typing. Lucky you, reader...

Barter, Barter Everywhere (and not a sale to make)

The economy has somehow created a new cruise-booking monster, which has reared its little head 3 times in the past 2 weeks. And that's just in my cubicle here on The Bridge. My guess is somewhere out there in cyberspace, somebody printed an article or said something on a news broadcast, that has led people into trying this "scheme." Customers have called in asking prices on a particular cruise, and when I tell them the price (say $500), they reply with "Call them back, and tell them I'll give them $350." Ok, I did. All 3 times. And I got the same answer. All 3 times. It was basically a series of hysterical shrieks and laughs, followed by some "You've-got-to-be-kiddings." Maybe people think the cruise lines are like the straw market on a Caribbean island, but it ain't so, Joe! Here's the deal in a nutshell. All major cruise lines, including but not limited to Carnival, Royal Caribbean, Princess, Holland America, Celebrity, Cunard, Seabourn, NCL, and on and on are publicly traded companies. How would you feel if you owned 500 shares of Royal Caribbean stock, and found out someone was calling in to book a trip, and some reservation agent was allowing them to slash the price? That's YOUR price, Mr. or Mrs. Stockholder. If they would allow such shenanigans, what would keep an unscrupulous reservationist from working a private deal with a customer? "Mr. Johnson, I'm going to give you $100 off your cruise, but you have to send me $50 of it - that way, we each make out." Right. Think that's ever going to happen? Checks-and-balances are firmly in place to prevent such things, and each cruise line has a Revenue Management department that is sort of like Internal Affairs at the Police Department. Don't mess with those guys. My advice to clients is to let me to do the negotiating up-front, and I'll always give my best possible price on the first quote. After that, you can save the haggling for the straw market.

EAU MYGODD!

Everything is bigger in Texas. That's what they say, whoever "they" are. I guess that also includes odors. At first, Fire Department officials suspected a carbon monoxide leak, or some other toxic airborne menace, when almost 150 people at a Texas bank call-center became ill in a matter of seconds. Med-Star Ambulance spokeswoman Lara Kohl said 34 people were taken to local hospitals, a dozen by her ambulance service alone, after reporting dizziness and shortness of breath Wednesday at the Bank of America call-center in Fort Worth. Another 110 people were treated at the scene. Ft. Worth Fire Lt. Kent Worley said the incident started shortly arter one of the workers sprayed herself with a liberal dousing of perfume. Almost immediately, co-workers and staff reported becoming sick, even violently ill, and a crowd of people crushed to exit the building. Fire and Rescue officials were immediately notified, and were on the scene in a rapid-response. Investigators would not release the brand name of the Culprit Cologne, but suffice it to say the wearer was not amongst the most popular of branch employees, before or after. "G'morning, Lucy. Nice shoes, and what a cute top! Hey, what's that you're wearing? Month-Old Decomposing Goat? Yeah, I hear it's all the rage in the clubs in Kreszburkistan..."

It's a medical miracle!
WHAT?

I SAID...it's a medical miracle!
WHAT???

Last week, 2 women got into a fight on board an airplane over the skies of Germany, and during the catfight not only were punches thrown, but one woman had a large piece of her ear bitten off. When the plane landed and medical teams could assess the damage, surgeons decided they could not re-attach the severed ear at that time. They tried unsuccessfully, but damage to the side of the woman's head was so extreme, it needed to be repaired and at least partially healed, before they could try the procedure again. In the mean time, they needed a place to keep the ear flap, so it would still be a viable organ when re-attached. They decided to create a flesh "pocket" on the woman's...eh....backside, and stitched the severed ear to her bottom, until such time as they can safely operate in the next week or so. Doctors believe that access to blood flow should keep the ear in good condition, and don't believe the organ will be rejected by the woman's body.

No one from the hospital could confirm or deny whether or not the patient could hear better standing up vs. sitting down, but maybe that's just me over-thinking things...