Flying With Oprah?

There's very little likelihood you'll ever be sitting in seat 27D, and find Oprah Winfrey in 27E. That doesn't mean you have to miss out on the "O" experience, though. Particularly if you fly certain airlines. In April of this year, Continental began matching competitors such as Jet Blue, Virgin America, and Frontier by installing DirectTV screens on its most popular routes. By 2011, they hope to have 220 domestic aircraft updated, giving you (for a fee, of course) access to 77 channels of satellite television mid-flight. Nobody really misses the in-flight movies, which tended to be G or PG or "sanitized" beyond recognition anyway. Remember how you'd grab the airline's seatpocket magazine, and get excited when you saw it was the new James Bond movie they were showing, then be crushed when you noticed it said Eastbound, while you were headed Westbound? Yeah, not too often. More frequently, there was some bust-of-a-movie that flopped directly from the box office to your stinkin' flight. Now, though, you can catch up on your Oprah. Or SportsCenter. Or watch live sports, headline news, or whatever happens to be your calling (within reason). Initially, Continental is matching Frontier's $6 price tag per person for service, while offering it free to First and Business Class. If it's anything like luggage fees, it'll probably head skyward faster than the plane itself. You can almost imagine $6 to get ABC, CBS and NBC, then being sold "upgrade packages" for premium channels. Oh well, I'm probably just going to rock out with my IPod anyway, but it's good to know if I'm ever jonesing to watch a Beverly Hillbillies re-run, the world will be my oyster. That's a saying that never made sense to me, but it popped into my brain just as I was typing. Lucky you, reader...

Barter, Barter Everywhere (and not a sale to make)

The economy has somehow created a new cruise-booking monster, which has reared its little head 3 times in the past 2 weeks. And that's just in my cubicle here on The Bridge. My guess is somewhere out there in cyberspace, somebody printed an article or said something on a news broadcast, that has led people into trying this "scheme." Customers have called in asking prices on a particular cruise, and when I tell them the price (say $500), they reply with "Call them back, and tell them I'll give them $350." Ok, I did. All 3 times. And I got the same answer. All 3 times. It was basically a series of hysterical shrieks and laughs, followed by some "You've-got-to-be-kiddings." Maybe people think the cruise lines are like the straw market on a Caribbean island, but it ain't so, Joe! Here's the deal in a nutshell. All major cruise lines, including but not limited to Carnival, Royal Caribbean, Princess, Holland America, Celebrity, Cunard, Seabourn, NCL, and on and on are publicly traded companies. How would you feel if you owned 500 shares of Royal Caribbean stock, and found out someone was calling in to book a trip, and some reservation agent was allowing them to slash the price? That's YOUR price, Mr. or Mrs. Stockholder. If they would allow such shenanigans, what would keep an unscrupulous reservationist from working a private deal with a customer? "Mr. Johnson, I'm going to give you $100 off your cruise, but you have to send me $50 of it - that way, we each make out." Right. Think that's ever going to happen? Checks-and-balances are firmly in place to prevent such things, and each cruise line has a Revenue Management department that is sort of like Internal Affairs at the Police Department. Don't mess with those guys. My advice to clients is to let me to do the negotiating up-front, and I'll always give my best possible price on the first quote. After that, you can save the haggling for the straw market.

EAU MYGODD!

Everything is bigger in Texas. That's what they say, whoever "they" are. I guess that also includes odors. At first, Fire Department officials suspected a carbon monoxide leak, or some other toxic airborne menace, when almost 150 people at a Texas bank call-center became ill in a matter of seconds. Med-Star Ambulance spokeswoman Lara Kohl said 34 people were taken to local hospitals, a dozen by her ambulance service alone, after reporting dizziness and shortness of breath Wednesday at the Bank of America call-center in Fort Worth. Another 110 people were treated at the scene. Ft. Worth Fire Lt. Kent Worley said the incident started shortly arter one of the workers sprayed herself with a liberal dousing of perfume. Almost immediately, co-workers and staff reported becoming sick, even violently ill, and a crowd of people crushed to exit the building. Fire and Rescue officials were immediately notified, and were on the scene in a rapid-response. Investigators would not release the brand name of the Culprit Cologne, but suffice it to say the wearer was not amongst the most popular of branch employees, before or after. "G'morning, Lucy. Nice shoes, and what a cute top! Hey, what's that you're wearing? Month-Old Decomposing Goat? Yeah, I hear it's all the rage in the clubs in Kreszburkistan..."

It's a medical miracle!
WHAT?

I SAID...it's a medical miracle!
WHAT???

Last week, 2 women got into a fight on board an airplane over the skies of Germany, and during the catfight not only were punches thrown, but one woman had a large piece of her ear bitten off. When the plane landed and medical teams could assess the damage, surgeons decided they could not re-attach the severed ear at that time. They tried unsuccessfully, but damage to the side of the woman's head was so extreme, it needed to be repaired and at least partially healed, before they could try the procedure again. In the mean time, they needed a place to keep the ear flap, so it would still be a viable organ when re-attached. They decided to create a flesh "pocket" on the woman's...eh....backside, and stitched the severed ear to her bottom, until such time as they can safely operate in the next week or so. Doctors believe that access to blood flow should keep the ear in good condition, and don't believe the organ will be rejected by the woman's body.

No one from the hospital could confirm or deny whether or not the patient could hear better standing up vs. sitting down, but maybe that's just me over-thinking things...

What A Friend We Have In Cheeses...

Just when you think you've seen every celebration, festival or gathering-of-the-minds, somebody comes up with a new one. In this case, it's a new twist on an old one. Popular belief says that some 3,500 years ago, a traveler in Asia set out on a long journey across the desert. He would have carried some sort of liquid with him, likely a pouch or "canteen" of milk to quench the thirst brought on by the desert heat. In those day, water/milk pouches were made from the water-proof linings of a sheep's stomach. Legend goes that when the man stopped for the night, he found his milk had turned to a solid white mass. The discovery of cheese. Some of the sheep's digestive juices had probably dried in the stomach, and remained there to interact with the milk during the journey. And beginning Aug. 23, 2009 there will be the 1st annual Vermont Cheesemakers Festival, to celebrate the curdled wonder. Suddenly, I'm hearing Monty Python's version of The Sermon-On-The-Mount: "Blessed are the cheesemakers." Anyway, this concept was brought to fruition by The Vermont Institute For Artisan Cheese, The Vermont Butter And Cheese Company, and The Vermont Cheese Council. The fact that there are 3 such institutions in Vermont, with employees and luminaries and magnates, tells me there must be a shortage of Cable TV in Vermont! But that's not for me to judge, and the locals are excited about tourism prospects for the region. The festival will be held at Shelburne Farms, near Burlington, where more than 100 cheeses will be available for tasting, performing seminars and cooking demonstrations, and probably sitting on plates with little toothpicks sticking in them, aiming skyward. Visitors to Vermont can also check out the state's Cheese Trail, with close to 30 farms where you can meet cheesemakers, see their animals, and watch how cheese is made. It all sounds so GOUDA, my SHARP readers will probably buy tickets immediately, to avoid being BLEU later. Rumors that comedian Ray ROMANO will pop out of a local COTTAGE, dressed as Herman MUENSTER, remain unconfirmed.

Joan Rivers? Meet Abe Lincoln (and friends!)

Washington. Roosevelt. Lincoln. Jefferson. Scientists from California and Scotland will soon be descending on Mount Rushmore, to do laser treatments on the iconic monument. They're not really performing "surgery" but instead are mapping the entire structure from various angles, in 3-dimensions. This is so that archaeologists and engineers could do an Extreme Makeover and restoration, should there ever be damage from erosion, earthquake or other external force. Long-term, they would also like to explore the possibility of using the 3-D image of Mount Rushmore in one of the visitor center theaters, to help educate children in an entertaining way, about the history of the famous monument. It might also explain to the kids why they are spending their Summer vacation in South Dakota, while their friends and schoolmates are at the beach, Disney World, or on a cruise. Just lucky, I guess....

HEADLINE: Technology Still Cannot Trump Ignorance!

Italian Officials say a Swedish couple was on vacation there last week, and were searching for the pristine waters of the popular island of Capri. Here's a thought: rent a sailboat! Instead, the couple decided to use the GPS unit that was conveniently-installed in their rental car. Unfortunately, the husband or wife (who refused to be identified) accidentally typed in the word Carpi instead of Capri. This took them on an exciting journey, approximately 400 miles off-course, to the Northern industrial town of Carpi, near Modena Italy. Angelo Giovannini, a spokesman for Carpi's Town Hall, said the couple drove into the main square, and asked the local tourist office how to reach Capri's famed Blue Grotto sea cave. Giovannini said "we thought maybe they meant a restaurant by that name, although we have no such restaurant here in Carpi. We explained that "Capri" is an island off the coast, but they didn't even question why they never had to cross a bridge, or transfer to a boat." Sounds like a couple of Swedish Meatballs to me.

Global Cooling?

Ahoy, Mates! I'm back from my rejuvenating vacation visiting the wilds of Canada. That's the large, white area North of the USA on your maps and GPS's, for those of you who weren't geography majors. When The Cap'n puts up a sign that says "Gone Fishing," it ain't just for show! And as always, it was a relaxing success - but still packed with enough adventure to make it noteworthy. My girlfriend caught the biggest large-mouth bass of her life, a sweet 19-incher weighing 4 pounds. The guide we had with us said "OK, let's see you beat that..." And so I did, on the next cast. I thought my line was stuck in the weeds, but then the weeds started moving away while I was reeling in. About 10 minutes later, a 23-incher was in the boat, and the scale came to rest at 6 pounds even! Of course, after taking a few photos for posterity and bragging rights, we tossed 'em back in for the next crew to enjoy. Another feature of the trip was our annual "shore lunch," where we cook-up a couple of the little 1-2 pounders with some beans, back-bacon, potatoes, onions and other goodies over a campfire during a break in fishing. This year, the new adventure was a Chip-wich. Our guide had us help him in slicing up a couple of large potatoes, super-thin like paper. He then threw a fistful of bacon and sliced onion into the boiling oil of our cast-iron skillet, followed by a couple handfuls of potatoes. Sizzle! Crackle! Crack! Brown! Two minutes later, we had fresh campfire potato chips. He said to take a large chip, stack a piece of bacon on it, then a piece of onion, then another chip on top, creating the ever-so-tasty-and-maybe-not-so-healthy Chip-wich (chip sandwich). Since I am a modest Cap'n and very aware of my curvy figure, I stopped after about 20 of them. Ok, it may have been 50. But it's hard to stack and eat and count, so get off my back! All I can say, is that's as close to Heaven as I've ever been on this old rock.

The other thing of note on this trip was the temperature. We've been up on the Rideau Canal in Eastern Ontario numerous times, when it's been 80, 90 or above during mid-July. This time, we may not have even seen 70 degrees once (it's hard to say, with Canadians figuring everything in that crazy "Celsius" thing the way they do). I can tell you that every morning we had 3 layers on when we set out on the lake, and with the wind and a bit of mist, it was downright nippy. Even traveling through Pennsylvania and New York, we kept hearing about how cool this year has been. I liked one of the headlines from a weather guy on the Canadian Broadcasting Company: "Well folks, the Summer that never was, continues to never be."
I'm not complaining though. The Canadian people (also known as Lumberjacks and Mounties) are so incredibly warm and friendly, it always feels like home away from home. Since they don't use pesticides in Canada, you always have to keep an eye out for the wayward mosquito or 2 or 3 or 50. But without pesticides, and most fertilizer being the natural kind, it means just about everything you eat or drink there is organic. In the USA you pay a lot extra for that, but in Canada it's the norm. So here's to our frozen neighbors, another job well done. SALUTE!

The London Daily Telegraph recently raised questions about researchers from Cleveland State University, and the project they chose to write about in recent anatomy journals. It seems these curious scientists chose to write about female anatomy, and for their subjects they chose to analyze and assess the physical traits of 195 female characters, all of whom were high-visibility cast-members from the first 20 James Bond films. After delicate and time-consuming research, they revealed their surprising results: More of the women were brunette than blond. Yes, it's a stunner. If that weren't enough to shock the public-at-large, there was even more. They determined that a full 90 percent of the 195 femme-fatales were young, slim and of above-average looking. Holy cow...these guys certainly got to the BOTTOM of things!

Welcome to the 19th Century:

A New York Auditor was recently checking into some strange-looking issues, which he felt were possibly fraud-related. To his amazement, they were not fraud but factual. The New York Police Department spent $99,000 on a contract for "typewriter repair," which will take on increased importance since between 2008 and 2009 the NYPD bought thousands of brand-new typewriters, both manual and electric, costing the city almost $1 million dollars. With everything that's happened in the world, the NYPD is still not even close to computerizing some of its daily-use forms, such as property and evidence reports. Can you imagine the shock of young recruits, raised on Dells, I-Phones and Blackberries, being shown to a desk at the Precinct with a manual Underwood typewriter? It's Back-To-The-Future all over again. Maybe Sergeant McFly will figure it out.

A pair of beekeepers were married last month in China wearing outfits completely covered with thousands of living bees. The groom said he has been working with bees for more than twenty years, and it was an obvious choice for starting their big day. According to the bride, "it was an amazing feeling to have a carpet of living bees moving over my body." Let's hope the groom can leave as lasting an impression as his winged friends. The more than 250 invited guests reportedly stayed as far away from the couple as possible during the event.

My question is Who played at the reception? Sting?

And The Wiener Is????

Sad day in the snouts, hoofs, ears, cheeks, jowls and unmentionables department. Oscar Meyer has died. That's not a misspelling, either. The company calls itself Oscar Mayer, but the actual family patriarch and retired Chairman Of The Board of the meat-packing giant, spelled his name with an "e" instead of an "a" in it. He was 95. Before his passing, he made one final request to the family, fearing it would be too much of a spectacle: No Wienermobile at his funeral. I was fortunate enough to see the Wienermobile up-close a few years back, and one thing you can say about it is it WILL get your attention. Whether in the rear-view mirror, or pulling up along side unexpectedly, there's no mistaking it for an alien craft. It's as All-American as apple pie, corn-on-the-cob and....well....wieners. Yeah yeah, wieners are German. And fries are French. And wooden shoes are Dutch (OK, you got me on that one). It would still seem appropriate for the Wienermobile to hover near the ceremony, maybe hanging a couple of blocks back or something. How does Batman die and no Batmobile? Oh well, you have to honor people's last wishes so he must have his reasons. Of course, there was only 1 Batmobile (a hybrid Ford Thunderbird, if you must know). The first Wienermobile was built in 1936, but there was so much demand for personal appearances of the Big Wiener, by 1960 Oscar Mayer Company had a fleet of 6, which would drive around giving cold-cuts and wiener-whistles to the kids of a grateful nation. Maybe not as refreshing as the Ice Cream Man, but then again the Ice Cream Man never rode around in a giant Klondike bar. Style points for the Wiener King.

Man - We're moving at a turtle's pace!

That's what commuters and air traffic controllers were saying yesterday morning at JFK in New York, and guess what - they were right! A major runway at JFK International Airport was shut down Wednesday morning, after at least 75 turtles emerged from a nearby bay and crawled onto the tarmac. Eventually, grounds crews were able to "herd" them back into the nearby water, but not before delaying flights by nearly an hour and a half. "Apparently, this is something JFK tower has experienced before," said Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Jim Peters. Even though the little 4-legged tanks move slowly, they become somewhat more aggressive during spawning season. Most folks wouldn't think of spicing up their spawning habits by gathering as a group on one of the World's busiest airport runways, but you know those wacky Ninja Turtles are unpredictable...

Allman Joy!

There are a huge number of fans of the original jam-band, The Allman Brothers, and some of them have decided to take their fan-dom to the next level. The band was founded in Macon, Georgia where their Southern rock sound and propensity to write songs that were half-an-album in length became the stuff of legend. Now their home, nicknamed the Big House In Macon is being turned into a museum by loyal followers. The Big House is where the songs Ramblin' Man, Blue Sky and Midnight Rider were penned, and was the last place famed guitarist Duane Allman visited before dying in a 1971 motorcycle accident. The museum is scheduled to open in December, with a solid rock 'n roll fan base expected to draw thousands of the faithful. There will be more than 300,000 pieces of memorabilia inside, collected by Kirk West, the band's longtime photographer and tour manager: Duane's jacket. Gregg's Hammond organ. Band and performance posters and photographs. Music and live recordings of the band will also be available,with interactive computer terminals where guests can flip through concert footage. Duane's bedroom has been kept intact, decorated the same way he left it. On the top floor, the museum will hold music classes for school children, and outside will be a bandstand where musicians can put on shows. The 6,000-sq.-ft. house, built in the early 1900s, became the band's home in 1970, and it quickly became the center of the band's world. It was their practice habitat, songwriting Mecca, and personal retreat before the physical demands of going on tour. The wives, girlfriends and children remained at the Big House when the band was on the road. The house has changed hands numerous times, at one point being everything from a beauty parlor to a lawyer's home, but it fell into disrepair until it was bought in 1990 by the Wests, who have lived there the last 15 years. For people in the South, who want to re-visit their rock roots without having to travel all the way to Cleveland (Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame), this will likely be a must-see, must-do stop whenever you're burning up the Georgia highways. Very rare you can say of a musician or band that they created something even MORE than a sound, they created an actual genre. Duane, Gregg, Dickie Betts and the boys did exactly that.

Sometimes you hear me rant about our educational system, and how teens and even 20-somethings can't make change from a cash register if the power goes out. HELLO, AUSTRIA! Thank you so much for making even our inadequate school system look stellar! School officials in the Central-European country have taken a trick from the TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Students who can't quite come up with the answers on their exams are being given an extra chance: Phone-A-Friend. The kids are allowed to call experts for help, such as doctors and other teachers if they're stumped. A spokesperson for the Austrian School System said the experts are usually more nervous than the students, worried about how they'll look if they get the answer wrong. So far during the initial testing of the system, Administrators claim that everyone using the Phone-A-Friend bonus has passed the tests. I think Hollywood was right when they made the movie Terminator. Machines will definitely take over the world at some point. We humans just can't cut the mustard any more. And even when we can, there won't be a Wienermobile to spread it on...

Moon Over Albuquerque?

Living in Charlotte, North Carolina I'll tell you there are some great people in this area, and then there are those you just shake your head and say "He must be from around here." US Airways Flight 705 found that out in spades. On a recent flight from Charlotte to Los Angeles, a 50-year old male passenger decided ENOUGH OF THIS SOCIAL CORRECTNESS! He began taking off his clothes, eventually stripping completely naked. Flight attendants made every attempt to cover him with a blanket, but to no avail. Finally, two off-duty law enforcement officers on board subdued and handcuffed him. Keith Wright, age 50 and originally from the Bronx in New York, was taken into custody without incident after the plane made an unscheduled landing in New Mexico. You'd think that was plenty of excitement for one flight, but there was more. If it were only the constrained jaybird on board, the plane could have continued to LAX. But elsewhere on the same flight, crew members were quietly dealing with an unrelated medical emergency. It was that medical issue that forced the flight to divert to Albuquerque, with the AP saying that "Wright's actions were (only) a secondary reason for the unplanned landing." As for Mr. Moonshine, he apparently caused quite a ruckus before the flight landed in New Mexico. He allegedly was unresponsive to requests to put his clothes back on, and at one point actually punched one of the flight attendants. That put him into a whole different category than "Airborne Naturalist." His family says he suffers from bi-polar disorder, but the suspect is now in Federal custody where he'll face charges of interfering with a flight crew. Did bi-polar disorder exist back when I was younger? I think not. It's a product of the 80's and 90's. When I was a youthful lad, we just called those people idiots.

Toucan play at that game!

Congratulations to the Central American country of Costa Rica, which was named by an independent UK research team as "The Happiest Country On Earth." Silly me - I thought it was Disneyworld. Anyway, the things that were measured (as those things go) was a "happiness quotient", the country's economy, overall life expectancy, and its ecological footprint on the rest of Civilization as we know it. Yeah, they've got active volcanoes that can kill you. Yeah, lots of snakes. Yeah, it rains about 250 days a year in the wetter areas. Yeah, mostly dirt or gravel or weasely paved roads. So how did the UK homeboys do on the list of Smiley Faces Places? 74th. Before you go "ROFL" over the lousy position of the UK'ers, consider the United States Of Oppression, where we came in a neat and tidy 114th! I think the USA just beat out "Hell" by a dozen or so votes. Second on the Happy Happy Joy Joy list was the Caribbean nation of the Dominican Republic, and 3rd was another floating neighbor, Jamaica. So if you want to escape your blues, you can actually get nonstop flights from Charlotte to any of the Top 3, and we always have hotel package deals as well. You may be asking what makes Costa Rica the new Numero Uno. My theory? Monkees and bananas. They're everywhere. Ever go to the zoo? Ever go by the monkey cage? Ever see anybody NOT smiling? Case closed.

Police in Virginia are very good. But they don't have to be. At least not in the case of a break-in last week. A 17-year old juvenile broke into a house, in a robbery attempt. He found the victim's cell phone laying on the counter, and decided to call one of his friends. He planned to use the old gag, "You'll never guess where I'm calling you from," which is usually reserved for Jethro Bodine and Larry The Cable Guy act-a-likes on airplanes. However, the perp wasn't used to this particular brand of cell phone, and instead accidentally took a picture of himself using the phone's camera technology. Nice. Police have arrested the wayward youth, and he is awaiting charges of breaking and entering, grand larceny, and being a complete moron. You can just see it now, he'll get his prison-issue orange jumpsuit, then ask for his one phone call to the outside world:

"Hey Charlie - You'll never guess where I'm calling you from!"

Service Error?

Congratulations to Roger Federer who really had to earn his latest Grand Slam title. But while you might think the header is talking about Wimbledon (pronounced Wimple-ton by most people in the Carolinas), I'm actually referring to Sarah "Bigstate" Palin, who this weekend brushed aside things like her oath of office, pledges to constituents and responsibility in general, to begin her world-wide photo-op tour. Call it Making A Difference 2012. That's right...she appears to be challenging Superman to a Battle Royale, although it's going to take more than Kryptonite and conservative rhetoric to bring down the Caped Crusader. It will likely take more than a track record of 0.6% of one term as Governor of the Mooses, to be elected President of the Masses. The current Queen of Maverickosity certainly thinks outside the box. In fact, she thinks outside her State, and now plans to live where she thinks. Personally, I believe the only chance she has is to Irish-ize her name by adding an O to it. O'Palin. That would potentially give her the conservative minority vote, plus any liquored-up American Dubliners, who left Houlihan's Pub long enough to cast their ballot (thinking she's a Homegirl), plus the Senior Citizen crowd with serious macular degeneration, or glaucoma or cataracts so severe that O'Palin and Obama are indistinguishable from one another. Hey, it's not much of a strategy, but when you're projecting yourself as the future of conservative mankind, you do what you've got to do. Right now, it's amazing how few Democrats are saying anything about her early retirement. They seem content to let Republican leadership and spokespeople tee-off on this log-flume-style career cascade. It remains to be seen who gets soaked at the bottom of the hill, Sarah O'P or We The People. One thing's for sure, if she ever actually won a National election, I'd have to take a 4-year vacation in Canada. I'll be out on the lake fishing if you need me, eh?

There's an old joke about a guy sitting on a street corner, with an empty cup in front of him, holding a sign saying "Pencils For Sale." A guy walks up and says, "Hey Buddy - how much for one of your pencils?" The man look up and says, "$225,000.00 each, and that includes a carrying case and an eraser." The startled man looked at him in disgust, asking "Well how many have you sold at that price, Sir?" The vendor replied, "None yet, but if I can just sell one....." Which brings us to the state of the hotel business. The economy is as bad as it has been in 60+ years, and hotel operators are constantly crying about lack of business. So how are they counteracting it? By raising taxes and service fees. One of the hardest-hit states, Hawaii, has plans to move its 7.25% hotel tourism tax to 9.25% by July 2010. Massachusetts is allowing communities to raise local taxes from 4% to 6%, in addition to the State tax of 5.7%. Throw in a newly-raised restaurant tax, going from 5% to as much as 7%, and you're likely to hear more about MASS Exodus than MASS tourism. How about Vegas? Even Sin City is going from 9% to 12%. New York visitors are being welcomed with a new 14.25% hotel tax, and there is talk now of adding extra service fees to internet reservations. Yeah, that's really the way to encourage people to visit you. Gouge their eyes out, tie them up and steal their wallets, but not until they've purchased their share of souvenirs and postcards. I realize money has to come from somewhere, but some of these seem to be absurd. One of the worst representations of friendly tourism is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Not that it's a hotbed of tourist influx, but people do come and go and Wisconsin is a highly-underrated state when it comes to natural beauty, particularly in its lakes and rivers. But people visiting the area who fly into Milwaukee are being met with a new car rental tax. It was $2. It would seem a little pushy to double it to $4, but doubling wouldn't have made my worst-of-the-worst list. So what do you think that car rental tax went to? $7? An unbelievable $10? No, how about a beyond-unbelievable $18 tax! Up from $2 previously, and all in the name of building mass transit. News flash: At those prices, you won't need mass transit except for your locals. Nobody's coming except for the occasional Packer's game, if they're going to feel you're becoming modern day pirates, pillaging anyone who steps into your path.

Yo Yo Yo, you yo-yo! I'm always amazed by what some people consider as an impressive accomplishment. Take for example the case of Steven Gilmore Jr., age 21, from Gainesville Florida. Steven Jr. is an aspiring rap singer (which to me is an oxymoron anyway), who wanted to improve his "street cred" by committing a violent crime. He thought it would make him more appealing as a rapper, while having the side-effect of making him less appealing as a human. But that's another story. Mr. Gilmore attempted to rob a convenience store in May, and during commission of this act he shot a clerk numerous times in the buttocks with a BB gun. Police said after a brief investigation, Gilmore was arrested and has confessed to the crime, explaining that he has a much better chance of making it if he's recognized as a thug. I wonder how much "cred" he gets for being recognized as a narcissistic idiot.

Some things are flip-flopped in that "other" Hemisphere....

Normally, I think of the Land Down Under, Australia, as a pretty competent place with smarter-than-the-average-bear people. But I read a story that made me question certain priorities. Addressing a conference in Hobart, Australia, professor Julie Quinlivan, Dean of the University of Notre Dame Australia's medical school, said that for disadvantaged teenage girls, becoming pregnant is a good thing. According to Dean Quinlivan said it helps teach them a sense of responsibility, that may otherwise not develop. She pointed out that such teen mothers were also more likely to stop smoking, stay in school and find a job. I'm guessing she also advises young boys to become drug dealers, removing the potential stress of "having to learn a craft and doing that 9 to 5 thing the rest of their lives."

Hey Dean Quinlivan....any advice for a Seafarin' Cap'n looking for "street cred?" I don't own a BB gun, but when I feel like living on the edge, I've been known to do 56 or 57 in a 55 zone. Makes me feel like a thug.

Don't Do A 5th On The 4th!

As you're heading out for a celebration of America this weekend, be sure to do so with both eyes on the road, and clear-eyed at that. Many people fall into the trap of back-yard BBQ and a handful of beers, thinking "the sun will knock out the alcohol." Not very scientific, and potentially deadly-dangerous. There's a time and a place for everything, but the road is never the place for drinking. Neither is the Bridge when I'm steering, but I usually let the First Mate handle that duty, so I can catch up on Sportscenter and Oprah. Well, Sportscenter anyway.

So let's review: Keep both eyes on the road. Keep one eye on the other drivers, who may not have heeded the warning. Keep another eye on your kids. Keep yet another eye open for a Wendy's (those new Asian boneless wings are the DEAL!), and if you still have any more eyes available, watch whatever you feel like. Have a safe weekend and enjoy your local fireworks from a safe distance.