I said SIT DOWN! That'll be $96 bucks, please.

Oh those wacky Brits. It's always something, isn't it? Apparently they've been watching U.S. airlines gouging passengers on baggage fees and other surcharges, to the tune of 3.8 billion dollars so far in 2009, and decided they'd get in on the fun. In the latest episode of "So You Think You Can Fly Cheap," British Airways announced this week that while it's true you are required by law to sit when they tell you to (and fasten that ingenious little safety belt), now that required action will cost you. Big time. You can still go onto British Airways' website 24 hours in advance, and get yourself an assigned seat free. If there are any. However, if you want to know where you're sitting, or if you'll actually be sitting with your wife, kids, etc. - EVEN IN FIRST CLASS - you'd better open that wallet wide and say "Ahhhhhhhhh." If you're riding in coach, a pre-assigned seat will cost you the equivalent of $16 U.S. dollars in each direction if you're flying just within Europe. Going across the Atlantic, or other long-haul flight? Double or nothing, Baby - that's $32 U.S. each direction. And that's if you don't need any of those "special" seats, like a bulkhead or an exit row. You know, the ones everybody loves because they give you extra leg room? Yeah, those are $90 U.S. And how about the people who have already paid hundreds or thousands of dollars extra to sit in First Class? No exemptions there, my friends. Long-haul flights will cost $96 U.S., in addition to the already-heinous upgrade fee. Smart marketing would just add $96 onto the First Class rate, and point out that "If you fly First Class with us, there are no advanced seating charges!" But that would only make sense. Doesn't sound like common sense is anywhere near overtaking greed in this instance. Of course, the response from the airline is that they're already losing money by the bucket-load, and these are simply measures aimed at making the airline profitable. It truly sets the precedent for the consumer's biggest question, WHAT'S NEXT?!

Thank you for traveling on British Airways today. We hope after you've paid your ticket price, you're comfortable in your $32 seat. We also hope the 2 bags you checked for your 2-week vacation in Jamaica are comfortable in their $75, 3-foot-square space in the cargo hold. Flight attendants will be coming around with your $26 buckles, to place on your $19 seat belts so they will latch. Flight attendants will be serving $8 soft drinks and $13 beers once we get to altitude. By the way, speaking of altitude, the Pilot will be sending the flight attendants around with a collection plate, to collect the $37 "take off" fee, plus $10 for every 10,000 feet we have to climb. About 20 minutes before arrival, they will be around again for the $5 descent tax and the $50 "landing fee". For those of you who are a little sheepish about flying, you can upgrade that to a "SAFE landing fee" for only $33 additional. While in flight, when the seatbelt sign has been turned off, feel free to use the lavatories on board. The door will open when you insert $20 into the payment slot, and as a courtesy there is NO CHARGE for coming out when you're done. However, please note the paper seat-protectors are $3, the soap-and-paper-towel combo after use is just $5, and our "Event Special" is toilet paper at just $2 per 4-inch-square sheet. Single-ply and wafer-thin, just the way you'd expect from us. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy your flight and thank you for supporting what's left of British Airways.