Snatching De Feet From The Jaws Of.......Jaws

Bum. Bum-bum. Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum! Anyone who remembers seeing "Jaws" in the movie theater hears that theme music in his or her head, whenever the water gets above waist deep in the ocean. So imagine what it was like for a Carnival passenger, who went missing overboard last night. Out there, bobbing along, totally alone with the thoughts and music inside his head, praying not to see a fin in the water. If that were me, I'd have simply died of fright - which is tough for an old seafarer like me to admit, but dang it I don't like being anybody's DINNER! Suddenly, though, a different song popped into his head. Give it to me, Elvis:

"That's The Wonder - The Wonder Of YOOOOUUUU!"

Remarkably, the overboard passenger was found alive today, by the Disney Wonder, roughly 17 miles out from Port Canaveral, Florida. Initially the floater wasn't seen, but his screams were heard from onboard the Disney ship. The Captain came on the intercom, and asked everyone to BE QUIET, so his crew could try to pinpoint the location. Shortly thereafter, he was rescued safe and sound. Carnival had reported the 34-year old man had jumped from a balcony, as witnessed by multiple people, but the ship's efforts to locate him failed last night. Witnesses said he had been arguing with a woman on board, and he threatened to jump overboard. Being the brain-surgeon type, the woman responded with the only words that seemed appropriate at the time, "Go ahead!" And so it goes.

OK, at this point I'd like to offer some constructive logic, for any of you guys out there who are potential cruisers in the future. Trust The Cap'n's experience here, boys:

1) You're on vacation - try not to get into heated arguments. Save that for home, if you must.

2) Don't ever threaten to jump off a cruise ship, and climb up on the rail

3) If your woman friend says "Go ahead!", you are not legally obligated to do it, in an effort to prove yourself insane or dead.

4) According to Wikipedia, as of yesterday there were approximately 6.782 billion people on Earth, roughly half of whom are non-men. Go gitcha another one. Maybe one with a vocabulary that extends beyond "Go ahead!"

This past week, USAirways raised their checked-baggage fees to match American Airlines. Now, Hawaiian Airlines says it is going to start charging checked-luggage fees on its inter-island flights. What other industry, that is struggling so badly to get people to use their product, continuously penalizes the client for doing so? And a worse penalty all the time, I might add. What's next? Here's a suggestion on what you should check the next time you get on a plane for a short getaway:

YOUR EGO!

Instead of traveling places and feeling like you have to have this many shoes, and this many shirts, and this many pants, here's an idea to beat the system. Stolen directly from the 3 Stooges file (thanks, Boys!). Put on 2 of everything. 3 if they're thin enough. Your carry-on can be an extra couple pairs of shoes, a little deodorant, and off you go! When you get where you're going, peel off some layers and iron them at the hotel. Hit Wal-Mart or Walgreen's and spend $10 in the "trial size" aisle. Done. Laugh out loud at the airlines, who for DECADES simply don't get it. Of course, you'll have to endure those "does he really have 3 shirts on?" looks when you're scooting in and out of the lavatory, but just offer up a big grin like "Yep, and with the money I saved on checked bags, I'll be eating filet mignon tonight while you're having strawberry pie at Denny's."

Remember Ms. "Go ahead!" from the earlier story? Well, believe it or not MEN can also be unpleasant. In fact, a Michigan woman may have recently had the worst first date ever, after her date failed to pay the bill on their date. Ok, that's not the whole story. The woman says the two had met at a local Casino, and she drove them to have dinner at a restaurant near Detroit. After the meal, the man said he had left his wallet in her car and asked for her keys.
As she waited for the man inside, she looked out the window and saw him speeding off in her vehicle! She immediately phoned police, and was able to give them a picture the man had sent her on her phone, which also had his telephone number and the message "call me." Subsequently, this genius was arrested, and he's now facing up to five years in jail.

Hey, nice view. AAAAUUUUUuuuggggggggghhhhhhhh!

Yeah, nice view. AAAAUUUUUUuuggggggghhhhhhhhh!

Chinese workers have covered a giant steel bridge with butter because so many people are using the bridge to commit suicide. Officials said they are "fed up with traffic jams, caused by people who slow down to watch victims leap to their death." In a single month, eight people jumped from the same bridge, with many more threatening to end their lives there. Workers were ordered to spread butter over all of the climbable surfaces, and it appears to be working. Officials say the last few potential jumpers have been caught before they could leap, as they struggled to get footing and make the climb. It's also proven to make the bridge much more enjoyably delicious, for any Chinese whose hobby it is to lick car-carrying structures...