Planes, Strains and Automobiles (movie theme homage)

August 6th, 2008 A.D. The strains people are facing at the gas pump appear to be easing again, with the Oil Powers realizing we're mad as heck and we're not going to take it anymore. Maybe that's not the real reason, but it's good to see some logic coming into play. Still, there are certain industries such as the airlines, which have been crippled by horrendous fuel costs. In talking to clients, I've tried to defend them overall, explaining that we can't go back to Desi & Lucy of the 1950's, when gourmet meals and beverages were free, served to you by models/stewardesses in neatly-pressed uniforms and YOUR COMFORT & SATISFACTION actually mattered. I don't think anyone is offended by actually paying for a delicious, refreshing ice-cold Coke (by the way, Coca-Cola...... please send The Cap'n a nice fat royalty check for promoting your product in the blog). The way airline meals have deteriorated over the past few decades, most people are just as glad to pass on the food anyway. For those who walked by the countless Burger Kings (royalties???), Chili's ($$$$?????) and such in the airport before boarding their flights, it shouldn't be a surprise to have to pay.

Enough of the defending. Recently, most airlines have started charging a per-bag fee for checked luggage. Some are on a sliding scale, such as $25 for the 1st bag, $50 for the next and $100 for a 3rd (and yes, that's EACH DIRECTION!!). What we have here is a failure to communicate! After 9/11 lots of people chose not to fly for various reasons, but one that sticks out is because it's such as hassle at the airport, with all the added security. Your 2-hour flight becomes a 5-hour ordeal. So now the airlines have decided to complicate it further, and they are charging people for bags during check-in, slowing the process exponentially!!

BRIGHT IDEA MR. AIRLINE BOSSMAN: Here's a thought -- why not just increase your ticket prices to a level where you'll make a profit? Pretty dramatic concept, which college freshmen learn in Business 101 when they're almost able to shave.

BRIGHT IDEA MR. AIRLINE BOSSMAN PART DEAUX: If you really are going to do this baggage thing, here's another concept -- DO IT RIGHT! Instead of charging people $25 per bag, or $50 per bag, charge them by weight -- the same way UPS, FEDEX and the USPS do. Why do they do it that way? Because it makes sense! Why should someone bringing a light suitcase filled with underwear and thin sweaters pay the same amount as some lug carrying a suitcase full of bowling balls? Result? People would pack less, lightening your planes' load, increasing your fuel efficiency and creating a chance you could save your airline from bankruptcy. It's just a thought.

Now for the most ridiculous move yet -- this week, a company which will remain unnamed (let's call them Jet Indigo) has taken the recent extreme moves to the mountaintop. You know how they keep planes about 58 degrees at altitude? Jet Indigo announced they are going to charge a fee of $7 for a blanket and pillow!! Yes, the blanket that is just larger than a Puffs Plus with Aloe (royalties again????), and the pillow that is about the same size and thickness as a piece of Quilted Northern Bathroom Tissue (you know????). I'll tell you what, peoples.....if a flight attendant asked me for $7 for those little items, I'd look him or her straight in the eye and say, "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? I don't see anyone else asking for a 3" pillow and 5" blanket -- you talkin to ME??!!!" Oh wait. there's more. They realize what an ABSURD PIECE OF GARBAGE IDEA this is, so they're throwing in a bonus feature. I'm telling you, you can't make this stuff up. For your $7 you get the trifecta of a pillow, blanket AND a $5 certificate for Bed Bath and Beyond. Holy Mother of Corporate Greed, Batman! With me being a huge sports fan, and a mid-50's outdoorsy guy, I can't tell you how many weekends I spend browsing the aisles of Bed Bath and Beyond for toothbrush holders and maybe a cute little earth-toned towel to WIPE MY GOLF CLUBS. Jet Indigo, please check yourself into rehab. You're officially insane. Take off, eh, you hoser.

Don't give up on flying though, people. We can still get some nice values on flights when they are combined with a hotel stay in tourism areas such as the Caribbean, Hawaii, Vegas or others. Just because the airlines are a wee-bit stressed and strained, they still get you where you want to go and when it's vacation time, that's very important. There's nothing better than being on vacation, leaning out over your balcony overlooking a tropical paradise, extending your arms side-to-side, tilting your head back, and saying "I'm King Of The World!" It helps if you have Kate Winslet wrapped around you for effect, but whatever......