Out with the old!

As we're heading into a New Year, blogettes, I'm looking back on 57 years of personal history, to see if things have ever been quite like this. Eh, no. In this decade of the zeros, "8" has not been a great year for anybody. It's the year that "8" up people's retirement funds, as greed took over the world (even more than normal). Hate rhymes with "8", and there seemed to be more of that than ever before as well. I say EIGHT IS ENOUGH! Let's get this 2009 thing going as soon as possible. Nine is fine. Nine rhymes with wine. Nine is acrobatic - it's a 6 standing on it's head. Most importantly, "9" is one better than "8".
I hope the New Year is one better for all of you!

Southwest Airlines is making a few waves, attempting to move into larger markets even in the midst of a struggling economy. In March 2009, they will be coming to Minneapolis-St. Paul, and there are also plans (though no set date yet) to fly into New York's La Guardia airport. That could be quite a feather in their pilot's cap if they can pull it off, and it will be interesting to see how that affects ticket prices in and out of the Big Apple. Hotels are still going to charge their normal rates, but it may make The City more accessible if it's cheaper to get there. Anything that stimulates tourism and spending is welcome. Particularly when you sell travel for a living!

We've all heard about global warming. No one is sure exactly when it started, or who is to blame for the whole thing. But the San Francisco International airport has a partial answer, and it's perfect for those among you who are guilt-ridden on a regular basis. Who exactly does San Fran say is the problem? YOU! Yes, you. Don't go looking around the room to see who I'm talking to. Here's how it works: Airport official say they plan to set up a series of kiosks this Spring, which will allow travelers to purchase certified carbon "offsets." I know, you think The Cap'n just started speaking Mandarin Chinese or something. They speak a little differently in California, and even more so in the Bay Area. Therefore, I'll try plain English:

Travelers will go to the kiosk, and enter their destination into the touchscreen. The super-green computer will calculate the amount of carbon dioxide for which the passenger is "responsible," by doing the evil thing of getting on an airplane. It will tell the unfortunate soul the cost in DOLLARS of offsetting his or her carbon-based debt to society. It doesn't ask the person's weight, height or how many bags they checked, so I'm not sure how accurate it could possibly be. What about that super-green computer? To my knowledge there's no such thing as a computer that doesn't leave a carbon footprint, but irony is in the eye of the beholder. Anyway, the kiosk computer gives you a printout, which is essentially "You bad person you! To make things right with God and the universe, please swipe your Visa, Mastercard or American Express card in the following amount..." No, I'm not kidding. So what do you get for your $49.95 or whatever? I mean, besides absolution of your carbon sins? Customers will get a receipt, listing the exact carbon-reducing projects their money went to. Such as the Fund To Replicate And Construct Computers For Kiosks, Without Harming Mother (Or Father) Nature, People, Underprivileged Goats, Or Anything Even Remotely Non-Nutritious Or Bad For Earth's Karma. The good old F.T.R.A.C.C.F.K.W.H.M.(O.F.)N.P.U.G.O.A.E.R.N.N.O.B.F.E.K. It's a proud moment for society, despite the horrible "footprint" you leave behind by every day, by living and breathing. Maybe if you ate more Cheerios and soy milk, you'd be a better carbon-person. Maybe not.

Cracker-Jack? The Orange County Register reports that an Irvine, California lady named Debra Rogoff went to the nearby Whole Foods grocery store in Tustin back in October, and among other items she bought some crackers. Nothing as generic as Saltines, Graham Crackers, or Ritz. No, she bought the famous Annie's Sour Cream And Onion Cheddar Bunny Crackers. You know, the kind you used to have as a kid, right? Don't get me wrong, Annie's is a great brand and their mac-and-cheese is awesome. But back to our news story. When the Rogoff family got home, Debra's daughter couldn't wait to dig in to her yummy snack. To her horror, when she opened up the box, there weren't any crackers at all! Just a stinkin' old envelope, filled with crisp $100 bills. To the tune of $10,000. She took it in to her Mommy, thinking maybe Mommy could work her Mommy-Magic, and turn the cash back into delicious crackers. No such luck, little one. But Ms. Rogoff is a fine citizen, and she called police, thinking maybe she had stumbled into a drug transaction or something, where money was disguised in the box and prepared for pickup. Investigators dug into that angle for a while, but received a second phone call a few days later. From Whole Foods in Tustin, CA. Apparently an elderly lady came in, all worked up to hysteria about a particular box of Annie's crackers (you know which flavor, don't you?). She had returned the box of crackers for refund a few days earlier, and by coincidence she had a similar empty box of said crackers which she kept in her home, filled with an envelope and her life savings. Well, as you might suspect, she went to her cash-stash box of Annie's one day, only to find there were *gulp* CRACKERS in the box! She realized she had returned the wrong box, and immediately went to the store to hopefully locate the missing box and put things right. Are you still with me? First of all, who keeps their life savings in an Annie's box? Secondly, who RETURNS an open box of Annie's crackers? Thirdly (and this one goes out to all you readers in the Tustin area who may happen to shop at Whole Foods), how does an open box of crackers get re-stocked on the shelves as new?! Kind of makes you not want to order from the deli there any more, doesn't it? Yuck! In the spirit of the Holidays, though, this true tale has a happy ending. The confused Senior received her life savings back, though no reward or even thank you was left for the Rogoffs. Debra Rogoff returned to the Whole Foods store a couple of weeks later, and they were nice enough to give her a box of Annie's to make up for the one she lost. There is still no mention of how used food items can re-appear on shelves of a "health food store". Use your imagination. It's more fun that way...