Santa clause - the fine print

No, there's nothing in your mortgage saying you have to dress up as St. Nick or anything, I'm just in a jolly spirit, recovering from my sinus infection and my Doctor's Indiana-Jones-style nasal exploits. Rumor has it he found relics of the Ottoman Empire in there, but he wouldn't tell me for sure. Anyway, between a week of healing, antibiotics and happy pills, The Cap'n is ready to set a stocking out by the smokestack tonight, to see what Holiday finery will magically appear. In the mean time, we'll take a Holiday break from travel talk, and just get down to the stuff I love even more, insane (but true) comedy....

According to the New York Times, people in Serbia have had a hard time identifying with anyone local, or even regional or vicinital (LOOK! I made up a word!) as a person they'd most like to emulate. One Serbian artist, who has helped raise money for statues of beloved figures in Serbia, was quoted as saying, "My generation can't find role models in Serbia, so we have to look elsewhere." Indeed they have! In the village of Banatski Sokolac, artists created a giant statue of Jamaican reggae musician Bob Marley. In Serbia. If you think that's a bit weird, they have also (bafflingly) constructed large, reverential public statues to other great world leaders, spiritual icons, and famous people including the following:

> Tarzan

> Rocky Balboa

> Martial-arts actor Bruce Lee

In Serbia. Yep. There was another iconic figure set to be cast into permanent Serbian lore as well, but funding fell through and the project was abandoned. Based on the above list, could it get any stranger? Oh yeah....although she has absolutely no connection to Serbia whatsoever, the original project was to enshrine in stone the image of British pop singer Samantha Fox. I guess they felt they needed a blonde to round out the field.

You know how sometimes you listen to a song, and it seems to go on forever? Not just in church, or American Idol auditions, but other places as well! The Guiness Book of World Records recently added an act to its list. Same one listed a long time ago, but they felt it was worthy of further recognition, given the length of crooning. In Mumbai, India the streak for longest continuous chanting is listed for a second time, as being "still active", according to the Indo-Asian News Service. Clerics at the Shri Bala Hunaman temple started intoning Shri Ram Jay Ram Jay Jay Ram on Aug. 1, 1964. They've never stopped, more than 23 million minutes later. I'm thinking 5 minutes of New York, New York or Ozzy Osbourne's Flying High Again would give them a much-needed break, and re-energize them for the next 45+ years. But maybe that's just me. The likelihood is that Shri Ram Jay Ram Jay Jay Ram will never replace
99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall, Row-Row-Row Your Boat, or I'm Hen-ery The Eighth I Am in the USA as a favorite long-car-trip-sing-along. Second verse, same as the first!

Here's one for the "Judge not, lest ye be judged" column. A man named Eduardo Arrocha had previously worked 15 years under the stage name EAK THE GEEK, The Pain-Proof Man, at New York's Coney Island Sideshow. His daily routine included such highlights as laying on a bed of nails, walking on shards of glass, eating lightbulbs, and putting his tongue into a mousetrap, then snapping it shut. Boy. Some people have cake jobs, don't they? Anyway, Mr. Arrocha had second thoughts on a recent Career Day, and in 2007 he decided to switch to something much more dangerous. What some might even call death-defying. He decided to become a lawyer. The former EAK enrolled at Thomas M. Cooley Law School in Lansing, Michigan, where he is currently in his second year. He describes it as "from one freak show to another - it's the most bizarre thing I've ever done in my life!" Good for you, Eduardo, and I wish you much success in tending the Bar. Job interviews could be a bit of a challenge though. A nice $4000 Bottega Veneta three-piece suit will surely cover his chest-to-toe tattoos. Recruiters could be somewhat put off, though, by the stars, moons and planets that cover his face. "Your Honor - does my client look guilty to you? Especially standing next to ME???"

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. Nice thought, isn't it? Yesterday, police in South Salt Lake, Utah arrested a 25-year old man, who told them that's all he was trying to do: Go home to Seattle, to see his aging Mother. Unfortunately, the man didn't have money for a plane, train or bus ticket. He also didn't have a vehicle, so he decided to "borrow" something that would look nice and impressive when he pulled up to Mom's house. Lexus, you say? Nope. Jaguar? Think a tad bigger. Super-Hummer! Well, you're getting warmer. South Salt Lake Detective Gary Keller says local firefighters were on an emergency medical call, tending to a victim, when suddenly they heard the firetruck's airhorn blowing for no apparent reason. A couple of firefighters ran around to the cab of the truck, only to find "our hero" trying to hijack a half-million-dollar firetruck. Rescue workers and firefighters were able to subdue the wayward son, until police arrived. Baby's Mama will have to wait until after Christmas to see her boy, as he's set to be arraigned Friday on grand theft larceny charges, among others. Maybe they're serving goose and figgy pudding in the slammer tomorrow.