"Culture Vultures?"

also known as "How dare you come to our impoverished island to spend exorbitant sums of money, dramatically boosting our otherwise-stagnant economy, dressed like THAT?!" Over the last few years, a number of Caribbean islands have taken steps (theoretically at least) to upgrade the caliber of visitors they get. Some of the time, I understand. Barbados was one of the first islands to outlaw camouflage clothing. It seems to make visual sense, making it much easier to spot terrorist activities, or potential "gang-related" activities if that's the garb of choice. That is, if terrorists or gang members are willing to cooperate by identifying themselves as such by wearing "camo." The islands of Antigua and Barbuda followed suit. Initially it was an idea born of reason, but it didn't take long for unreasonableness to rear its ugly head. A woman who had flown to Barbados for vacation was stunned, when a Customs agent confiscated her pink bikini. Luckily, she wasn't wearing it at the time! Turns out, it was something she bought at the mall called "fashion camo", and although it was certainly a camouflage pattern, it was in shades of hot pink. Personally, I'm not scared of terrorists who would attempt to take over the world in pink bikinis, but maybe that's just the old sailor in me talkin'. Regardless, don't allow yourself to spend any time in a Caribbean prison because you wanted to be fashionably cool.

Which brings me to today's rant, about the Culture Vultures on the lovely island of Grenada. Recently, some cruise ship passengers got off to unload their wallets on this quaint spice island, and they were rounded up and escorted back to the ship. Because they were wearing their pants too low. If you're reading this in the United States, and you have a teenager, or know a teenager, or were ever a teenager, or know somebody who has a teenager, you know that as RIDICULOUS as that style is, it's what "the young people" are doing, strongly influenced by what they see in the rap music community. Low-riding will likely go down in history along such fashion faux pas as terrible hairdos (such as the mullet or the white-guy-oversized-afro), leisure suits (available in lime green or puce), or Nehru jackets (unless you happened to be Nehru, in which case it was pretty cool). But I'm in serious doubt that terrorists are coming ashore with their skivvy's hanging out the back of their jeans, listening to Lil' Wayne or Kanye West. These are the kids from the cruise ship, who belong to the PARENTS WHO ARE ON THEIR WAY TO YOUR ROLEX SHOP EVEN AS WE SPEAK. Seeing their kids ushered back to the ship by police tends to put a damper on removing that American Express card from the wallet, don't you know. Granted some churches will not allow tourists in with shorts or tube tops, and you'll get me to understand religious grievance long before I'll get the holier-than-thou attitude of some of the local officials. Oh yeah -- make yourself a note, Mr. Official. You have teenagers on your island as well, and they pretty much follow US culture patterns, about a year behind the times. Get ready to be rounding up locals by this time in 2010. Or maybe you could just welcome visitors who are freely supporting your economy, while trying to enjoy their vacation. Just a thought.

"Someone's knockin' at the door. Somebody's ringin' the bell. Do me favor, open the door, and let 'em in." Thank you Paul McCartney. Good thing for you, you don't happen to live in Scranton, Pennsylvania. An eastern Pennsylvania man is facing up to 37 years in prison, for knockin' at the door a little too robustly. Police say 34-year-old Robert Kane went to neighbor Jamie Zaleski's apartment, because he was angry about a friend of Zaleski's who parked in front of his house across the street. Police said Zaleski went to the door and asked, "Who is it?" to which Mr. Kane replied "Open the door, or I'll cut it down." When Zaleski and his friends decided the man sounded too worked up to open the door, they declined his offer. A minute later, Kane fired up his chain saw and began cutting through the wooden door. Zaleski and his friends ran out the back way and called police. A jury convicted Kane on Tuesday, of charges including attempted burglary, attempted criminal trespass and terroristic threats. You have to sympathize with Mr. Kane though, being put through the torture of having somebody actually park on the street in front of his house. I mean, THE NERVE of these people!!

Everyone is looking at ways to tighten their belts, including art galleries. It takes a lot of money to bring featured exhibits to town, and in Ashland, Oregon patrons of the arts are getting creative. City Councilor Eric Navickas, who recently opened an art gallery in town, decided to keep up with the news in a fund-raising effort. He and partner Amy Godard invited guests to their grand opening, where they found an enormous photo of President George W. Bush and lots of shoes. People paid $1 per shot, to have the soles of the sneakers, boots and sandals dipped in red paint, before people fired the footwear at the image of our beloved Prez. Funds raised at Friday's opening went toward future gallery exhibits, and everyone seemed to enjoy the bonus exercise. One participant, 91-yr-old Marjorie Mather, came back for seconds and thirds. Wouldn't you?