Put Some Clothes On!

It all started with Bugsy Siegel - Dateline: 1946. In the middle of a scorching desert, not far from Hellacious places like Death Valley, a concept was born. Cheap land, flimsy or non-existent laws, and this gangster thought: "What a great place to build an entertainment empire, based on gambling, drinking, and less-than-reputable ladies." As the sign has said all these years, WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS. Once Vegas was built, there had to be a draw created, and the concept was built on ultra-cheap food and lodging, free-flowing liquor, famous entertainers, topless showgirls, and 24-hour-a-day gambling action. Oh, the lights. Vegas was truly the city that never slept, and that concept has remained until today.

So let's review, to see after 63 years how much has changed. Ultra-cheap food and lodging? Not like the old days, but bargain hunters can still do much better in Las Vegas than just about any other resort area on the planet. Free-flowing liquor? Check. Famous entertainers? Check. 24-hour action? Check check check. Topless showgirls? Well, maybe what was exciting in 1946 has failed to hold the test of time. Unless you're a 15-year old, and even then probably not. After almost 5 decades at the Tropicana Hotel & Casino, the "Les Folies Bergere" is hanging up its feathers on March. 28th. Folies had been the longest-running old-style revue in Vegas, and the draw simply isn't there for that kind of thing. Not that Vegas has gone conservative, but those kind of showgirl productions have fallen out of favor in recent years. People who are laying out $60, $80, $100 or more per ticket want world-class showmanship, not strutting. The emergence of Cirque du Soleil has created a dominant species of new shows. Thrills, acrobatics, grand scope, and light and sound are the new draws. Also, productions from Broadway have made their mark on Las Vegas as well. The original play "Stomp" has led to a spin-off called "Stomp Out Loud" at Planet Hollywood, which is a kicked-up version in sweeping scale. I saw the show last year and before going in, was wondering if it would be my cup of tea. That notion was settled in about 2 minutes, and everyone in the theater was giving standing O's by the end. Even though there was history behind Folies Bergere (it was brought over from Paris in 1959 by then-Tropicana entertainment director Lou Walters, who happens to be Barbara Walters's father), it takes more than topless feather-bearers to ignite a crowd these days. As the old saying goes, you've seen one, you've seen them both...

This morning, I was reading the Travel section, and saw an article from Southern Living Magazine about what a great idea it is taking teenagers on a cruise. Agreed! There is so much going on, and always groups of others in that age range to meet and hang with, it's an experience they'll never forget. But I have to wonder about travel writers sometimes (present company excluded, of course). They'll be going along at a nice clip, giving people sage advice, and then something totally absurd falls out of their mouths that makes me question their credentials, other than a B+ in a Creative Writing class at Northwestern. I'll give you a link to the story on CNN, then my take:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TRAVEL/getaways/01/16/family.cruise/index.html

Overall, B+ on the writing and content by CarolAnne Griffith Roberts, whoever she is. I've never been one to trust people who feel the need to cart around more than 2 names, anyway. Cap'n Bob. Normal. John Doe. Normal. John Q. Public? Pretentious! Who gives a pickle about the "Q" there, John? So what if I was to make myself "Captain Griffith Bob?" Yeah, makes me sound like a dork doesn't it? Just one of my many pet peeves, but let's get back to the cruise critique. She does a nice enough job talking about the activities, and then out-of-the-blue says "Pick a 3 or 4 day sail in the Caribbean for best results." Dear dear. Ms. C.A.G.R. you are wildly mistaken, I must tell you. First of all, you can't get to the Caribbean in 3 days (ships move through the water at a speed called knots, but in perspective imagine a top speed of about 20-22 mph if you're thinking in car terms). There's a big 'ol strip of land called Cuba that blocks the Caribbean Sea from the United States, and 3 days is all but impossible. You can visit the Bahamas, but you're in the Atlantic Ocean, not the Caribbean. Misconception! In 4 days, if you blast away at top speed all the way there, making only 1 stop, you can cruise to Cozumel Mexico, which is barely into the Caribbean...sort of a tweener area where the Gulf Of Mexico stops and the Caribbean Sea starts. But that's been a marketing ploy of cruise lines for years, to make you assume that anything with a palm tree and people who speak with a bit of an accent means Caribbean. So Ms. C.A.G.R. is iffy at best on that part of it. Now read the article and see where it talks about the multitude of activities for teens. And all the new friends. The laughter. The thrill and yes, even romance. Does that sound like something your teenager wants to experience for about 48 hours, then pack up to go back home to Milwaukee? Trust The Cap'n, your kid is thinking more about "How can I stay here the rest of my life, and ditch the parents?" My professional AND personal opinion is every family should take a week-long cruise. You'll get more ports of call, more family time to enjoy around the dinner table, you actually WILL get to see the beautiful water of the Caribbean Sea, and your teens or even younger kids will be forever grateful. It's quite possible they'll make life-long friends and pen-pals. And from an intrinsic viewpoint, you'll find it more comfortable for yourself as well! Today's cruise ships are longer than 3 football fields, and a dozen or more stories tall. They're floating cities. That's another reason I never suggest 3 day cruises to anyone. When you get on a new mega-liner, it will take you at least a day or day-and-a-half just to get the feel of where everything is. You'll start to hit your stride knowing whether you're walking towards the front or back of the ship. You'll find shortcuts. You'll discover a quiet reading nook or a perfect place to put a sun-chair. But if you're only there 3 days, and at least one of those days is spent walking around the straw market in the Bahamas, you can expect to feel lost and un-appreciated for your entire cruise. You've got the week vacation. Take the family! Make it a life-long memory, not a frazzled weekend.

I read the following story from the Associated Press, and the first thing that popped in my head was "This woman - was she wearing CLOWN pants????"

Authorities are looking for a shoplifter, who is accused of stealing $1,200 worth of designer purses from a Cape Coral, Florida store. A security guard at the Cape Coral T.J. Maxx told police she saw a woman stuff six designer Dooney & Bourke purses into her pants Tuesday morning, and walked out of the store. The guard followed her outside and was confronting the woman, when a car came whizzing up along side the perp. The report said the shoplifter tried to get into the vehicle, but fell out and was run over by the car. She then got up and jumped onto the hood of the car to try to escape. As the car began driving away at high speed, the woman lost her balance, fell off, and was run over again! On her third attempt, she finally made it into the vehicle. Police are using the car's license plate and a check the woman dropped to track her down. I can see the Ebay ad now:

Slightly-used Dooney & Bourke handbags, lightly crushed, with only a few small blood-stains and moderate skid-mark damage, now 50% off. As-is. All sales final...