Finally - THE GRAMMYS!

In case you think The Cap'n has lost his mind, the answer is no. At least not completely. But I always get excited about the night of The Grammy Awards. Not for the music. Good heavens no, there hasn't been anything resembling good music for at least a decade. The Grammys is always chock-full of people you've never heard of, or people you've heard of but detest, and a few of whoever-is-hot-that-year celebrities thrown in, to drum up some semblance of respect for wasting a night of network television. The performances are nearly always forgettable, usually under some ill-conceived dance routine or stage setting that is an atrocious match for the song. So why do I look forward to The Grammys? Because it means another horrible year of music is finally over, and I have hopes that maybe - just maybe THIS will be the year that brings us back to musical sense as a people. Yes, I'm an eternal optimist (which is similar to being an eternal optometrist, but without the extra schooling and having to stare into people's eyes all day). You're probably thinking I'm just old and set in my ways when it comes to music. Well, that's possible. I'm certainly old, but I'm always up for new things and welcoming new artists, as long as it's truly music. Having been a music major back in college, I still consider harmony and melody as necessities. Even Metal can have harmony and melody, so I'm not locked in to Pop, Easy Listening, Country or Top 40. I'm a fan of talent. Not just vocals, but instrumental too. The entire generation who is growing up on various forms of "spoken music" have no idea what they're missing. They're getting bad poetry to a beat box. It'll be interesting to see if these people go to their 20th or 30th reunion and still want to hear the junk they're posing to now. Only time will tell.

I had to laugh today at an article I read earlier, where a passenger complained about some jewelry she bought on a cruise ship, not living up to her expectations. She said she got home and within a couple of months, the gold started turning green. Seems this person took home one of the great tourist traps you'll find on vacation, "Gold By The Inch." Does that sound like high-quality to anyone out there? That would be like telling someone to reach in to a container, and pull out a fistful of diamonds for X amount of dollars. It's strictly the sale of "bling" for bling's sake, at the lowest common denominator you can legally call gold or diamonds. Gold has so many variations on purity, buying inches at a time can't be a reliable quality source, regardless of what the salesperson tells you. It can be a pretty bargain if you only want something that shines, but to look at it as anything more than costume jewelry is a wrong assumption. Granted it shouldn't turn color, and the cruise line DID stand behind it and give her a refund. But if you want a beautiful gold necklace, don't look for something that's too good to be true. That's where the saying came from! Think about where you're standing....a retail gift shop on a cruise ship. It's true they have some nice jewelry pieces on board, because they have to compete with the duty-free shops in the various ports. But 99 times out of 100, buying by-the-inch is a sucker bet. You're never getting Cartier at Big Lots.

Griddle Me This, Batman!

Seems New York City has had some olfactory issues of late. No, you need to read closer. I didn't say they're having problems with 'ol factories. This issue is strictly about smell, and a sweet breakfast-like smell at that. MAPLE this will help you understand: At odd times since 2005, New Yorkers have noticed the unmistakable smell of maple syrup, wafting through the streets of The City. As quickly as they would arise, they would dissipate and be gone. Inexplicable! But after nearly 4 years, Mayor Bloomberg and City investigators have tracked down the source of the scent that has puzzled its residents. No offense, New Jersey, but you stink! The harmless, but long-confounding smell which has drifted through areas of the city at least nine times over the last 4 years, was finally traced to a facility across the Hudson River that processes seeds for use in artificial flavorings. Mayor Bloomberg said that a team of odor investigators, environmental protection workers, health department and emergency management workers "put our noses to the ground" to identify the culprit after another whiff in early January. The investigation involved mapping the time and place of all the odor complaints to the city's 311 hot line, data that were then compared with wind and atmospheric conditions. Those were checked against air sampling tests during the periods that New Yorkers reported smelling the odor. Bloomberg said the odor has been detected by New Yorkers only a small number of times because the conditions apparently had to be quite specific."You have to have a day with winds at the right speed, going in the right direction, and high humidity, but no rain," he said. Officials found that the highest concentration of calls often came from the Upper West Side of Manhattan, and that the odor reports tended to come on days when wind speed was fast enough to carry odors, but slow enough that they were not immediately dispersed. The probe found that one facility in Hudson County was processing fenugreek seeds on the evening of Jan. 29, when multiple odor complaints came in. Fenugreek is a common ingredient in curry powders, and its extract is also used in artificial vanilla, caramel, butterscotch and maple flavorings. New Jersey officials say the facility, operated by a company called Frutarom, does not appear to be violating any rules or regulations. I'm sure New Yorkers are glad to hear that the hundreds of thousands of their tax dollars needed for such a task force, have finally borne fruit. Or a fruity smell anyway.

Starting a family might be a little easier than you thought, with just a single trip to Ripley's Believe It or Not museum in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The museum on Thursday opens a month-long display of fertility statues. The 5-foot tall wooden statues were acquired on the Ivory Coast of West Africa in 1993. The company says they were then placed in its corporate headquarters in Orlando, Fla., and within a few months, 13 women became pregnant. According to the company, more than 2,000 women have reported becoming pregnant after touching the statues. They will be on display at Ripley's through the first of March. The company says couples wanting to have a baby can touch the statues for free during business hours.

Sorry, I'll stick with the old-fashioned method thank you very much...