Upping Your Grades

Welcome to Cruise School, students. Today, we'll discuss one of the most misused and misunderstood phrases in the history of the business, "Upgrades". When speaking of hotels, an upgrade almost always means something. Your room is in a more preferred location. Your room is bigger. Your room has an improved view. In the hotel biz, most of the time an upgrade is truly a more premium stay, at the same price you paid. Does this equate to cruise line biz? They'd sure like you to think so! But let's have a reality check. Since the mid 1980's, almost all cruise ships have been built in a cookie-cutter design. By that,
I mean that no matter what deck you're on, inside staterooms, oceanview staterooms or balcony stateroom are either identical to each other, or so similar the difference is unnoticeable. The marketing ploy is to offer a "2-category upgrade if you book today", but in reality you're getting exactly the same cabin, just in a slightly different location. WOO HOO! In fact, on some ships there are as many as 6 "like" categories on the same deck, so all you're doing is moving down the hall! Seriously. If you have a Holland America brochure, or go to hollandamerica.com, you can pull up some of their ships like the Maasdam, Ryndam or Statendam and view the deck plans. Notice on the lowest deck there are 6 room categories called "Oceanview". If you book any of them, and they happen to be offering a 1 or 2 category upgrade (which only happens on occasion), you're likely to be moving only 30-40 yards down the hall on the same deck. Upgrade??? Maybe in the most basic sense. It's true that the most forward cabins have portholes, and those more midship have windows, so there is at least that. What's amazing to me is the cruise lines actually charge more money for those more-midship cabins. It wouldn't be amazing if it were $10-20, but in many cases it can run $100 or $200 or more per person, just to be down the hall. I'm not just picking on one cruise line here either - they all do it to some degree or another. But my philosophy has always been:

1) Talk to an agent who knows what they're doing (like me!)
2) Let that person know what you truly want and expect
3) Don't sweat the jealousy of "he got upgraded and I didn't"
4) BUY WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY!

Not such a difficult thing, eh? Upgrades are not always a good thing in the cruise industry, either. What if you were upgraded to a higher level, but now your cabin faces the elevator and you hear the little "ding", and people talking and laughing all hours of the day and night? How's that relaxing vacation working for ya? Just talk with your travel professional, figure out what will meet your needs the best, and buy it. Don't wait around for gimmicks and marketing ploys. Every day that goes by, the best cabin locations are being picked over by knowledgeable agents and cruise customers. Don't be shut out because you were suckered into the dream of something for nothing. Billie Preston said "Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. You gotta have something." Well said, Sir. Call me and I'll get you something nice.

Gotta love dumb crooks. They keep the airwaves buzzing, with proof idiocy still exists. Take this guy from Connecticut: Police in New Britain arrested Joel Rubin, 42, in January and charged him with using a stolen credit card. He was at a store, trying to buy a bunch of stuff under someone else's identity. So it was going to be FREE if he got away with it. Are you with me so far? Apparently Joel figured he could do BETTER than free, by also using a store discount card, to get a lower price on the merchandise in question. Problem was, the discount card was in Rubin's actual name, which did not match the credit card and fake ID he was providing. Store clerks tipped off police, and he was arrested outside the store, and has been charged with Grand Larceny and identity theft.

They say "When the world give you lemons, make lemonade."
I'm not sure who THEY are, but even a good concept can be taken to the extreme. Forbes magazine reported in December that California State authorities were investigating a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, Dr. Alan Bittner. It appears he was just trying to live up to the old saw I mentioned above, but not everyone appreciated the good Doctor's imaginative approach. Dr. Bittner claimed that he had figured out a way to create diesel fuel for his and his girlfriend's SUVs, from the liposuctioned fat materials collected from his patients. California law unfortunately prohibits using medical waste for any such purpose, and a number of patients have now filed lawsuits against him. I'm not sure what grounds they could possibly have, but any time people see a Doctor being sued there's an immediate line out the door, to get a piece of that pie. Of course too much pie can lead back to more liposuction, so it's a vicious cycle.