Pullmantur? Ay, Caramba!

Sometimes you hear stories about people getting married, then shortly thereafter one of the newlyweds finds out his or her spouse is a bazillion dollars in debt. Or that they are already married, and never divorced. Bigamy? No, big-a you! It's the stuff that reigns on Dr. Phil or Maury Povich, where truth rarely gets in the way of entertainment. At this point, I'll bet Royal Caribbean Cruise Line wishes there had been an "October Surprise" before they purchased Spanish company Pullmantur in November of 2006. The theory was that it was an already-existing cruise line in the Spanish-speaking market, based in Spain, and it would be a natural chain of growth and projection for Royal Caribbean overall. Yeah, the best laid plans. First, the economy started nose-diving after the "marriage" and has never yet recovered. Then they were set to launch a brand new ship called the Pacific Dream, which was targeting the Mexican audience, home-based in Acapulco, Mexico. Along comes the H1N1 swine flu, and the ship had to sit empty and idle until fears and the illness itself passed. Then Acapulco had the drug dealers and police recreating the shootout at the OK Corral. Now the sister ship Ocean Dream, which is sailing around the Caribbean, is also having issues. Turns out there are a number of active H1N1 flu cases on board, including crewmembers, and when the ship has arrived at various islands for its anticipated call, something quite UN-anticipated happened. Local Authorities said "Thanks, but no thanks." Basically, don't let the Sea Wall hit you in the backside on the way out. The ship was turned away from Grenada, and yesterday Venezuela booted them from their expected stop at Margarita Island. In a similar move, Antigua and St. Lucia also turned away passengers in the last 2 weeks.

Thus far, instead of turning a tidy profit for Royal Caribbean and its shareholders, it's estimated that Pullmantur has cost the company about $50 million dollars! Too late for an annulment, I'm sure. Oh - and Royal Caribbean got another piece of untimely news this week as well, this time concerning their latest-and-greatest Oasis Of The Seas, set to come to the marketplace in December 2009. They've premiered rock-climbing, ice-skating, flow-rider surfing and all that jazz on previous ships. For Oasis, the proposed gimmick, gadget, onboard perk or whatever you want to call it was blimp rides off the back of the ship. You heard correctly. The mini-blimp was to be tethered to the back of the ship, and passengers could go up and fly 200+ feet above the ocean, before being retrieved back on board from their heart-pumping thrill-ride. Then reality set in. During last week's highly-publicized sea trials, where the ship was put through the motions of actual cruising before delivery, they rolled out the mini-blimp for reporters and dignitaries. UP UP UP she went! A few minutes later, DOWN DOWN DOWN she came. But not on the ship. Unfortunately, she went straight down into the ocean, landing in the wake of the ship before being retrieved to embarrassing reviews. Talk about an idea that went over like a Led Zeppelin!

I've been an animal lover all my life, and have had numerous pets over the years as circumstances allowed (you can't really keep pets on board a cruise ship). And because of that, I have zero tolerance for the likes of former NFL player Michael Vick, who was involved in the inexcusable world of dog-fighting. But I also have my faith planted firmly on the side of COMMON SENSE, and think that the spokes-people at PETA (People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals, which technically should be PFTETOA) oftentimes need to have their heads examined. By real human MD's. Or PHD's or PETAD's or somebody with at least a lick of sense and a professional medical background. In the last 48 hours, PETA has lashed out at Prez-O, our Fearless Leader, after he was photographed swatting a fly. The President has been getting kudos for his lightning-fast, Mr.Miyagi-worthy reflexes when he slayed the pesky house fly during an interview with CNBC. Now PETA called his actions - and I'm not making this up - an"execution" and they want the Commander-In-Chief to show more compassion. Even for one of "the least sympathetic of the animal kingdom." They even went so far as to send Prez-O a device that traps flies, so they can be released outside in a humane fashion. In a related move, they sent Our Numero Uno an 18-foot fortified steel cage, in case Mr. Obama is ever attacked by a man-eating shark. He can just lure the critter inside, close the cage, and release it back into the wild, to eat someone less-noteworthy. PETA. Ya'all get a grip on yer'selves, OK THEN?

Did you mean "Get Acupuncture" when you said "Stick It?"

Doctors in China examined a man, after he showed up at a hospital complaining of shooting pains throughout his body. He said he had lived with the pain for a while, but it was just getting too intense. The medical staff performed scans and x-rays on the man, and reportedly found over 100 needles throughout his body, 38 in his stomach alone! When he was questioned, the man said he used to play with his Mother's needles a lot as a child, but he has no memory of putting them into his body. A hospital spokesman said "It's a miracle they've been in there so long, without becoming infected," Surgeons have begun a series of delicate operations to remove the needles, and the numerous surgeries could take nearly a year to complete. He should have just swallowed some spools of thread, and he could have sewn himself a new stomach lining. Maybe a classic houndstooth. FABULOUS!