Mutiny On The Bouncy

There are reports that Carnival's cruise ship "Carnival Miracle" experienced something highly unusual in the last 24 hours, a mutiny by passengers. Well, kind of. The ship was scheduled to sail this week from New York to ports of call in The Caribbean, but only got as far as The Bahamas. That's because there are a string of tropical storms and a category 4 potentially killer hurricane blocking the path. You would think the passengers would be grateful to the Captain, for invoking the seldom-used fine print in everyone's cruise contract, and altering the itinerary for their safety and comfort. We're not talking about thunderstorms here, these are enormous storms that have proven deadly on various islands already, and here's the most important part. Let's say the Captain got gutsy (incredibly foolish), and tried to still go to these ports. Just in the last 48 hours, hurricane Ike went from 60mph winds to 145mph, in the blink of an eye. Cruise ships in calm water have a maximum top-speed of about 22-25mph (I know, it's knots, but I'm talking to the laymen here!). However, in major swells or waves, a ship may only be able to forge ahead 4-5mph in terrible conditions. That means a storm could potentially catch a ship, engulf it, and between passengers and crew endanger the lives of nearly 5,000 souls!

Do you think the New York crowd cared about that? Lemme think..........eh NO! They piled up a mob at the Purser's Desk shouting "refund, refund", and scaring the sane passengers half to death. It gets worse. They wanted to SHOW THE CRUISE LINE WHO'S BOSS, so they all went up to the Purser's Desk and demanded that all gratuities be removed from their bills. Yes, punish the waiters and busboys and cabin stewards for your stupidity and arrogance. How absurd. It shows what weak minds led by a bully or two can do. Years ago, Cap'n Bob was Chief Purser on a ship that was supposed to go to 3 ports in Mexico on the West Coast. However, there was a huge and powerful storm off the coast of Baja Mexico that kept us from getting to any of the ports of call, for the safety of all aboard and the ship itself. Just like what happened on board the Miracle, I found myself in the Purser's Lobby facing down an angry crowd. They had made little signs and were picketing. I was tempted to come out and say "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Captain has seen your cardboard-and-crayon signs, and has decided you're right - the ship only has a value of $400,000,000 and we think it's more important for you to lay on the beach in Mazatlan in a driving wind, rain and lightning storm, and for you to be able to pick up $6 bottles of Kahlua, than to worry about things like people's lives. Therefore, the Captain has decided we're going directly into the belly of the beast. The Shore Excursion desk will re-open after lunch. Sorry we're out of Dramamine already, but you folks look like tough cookies...."

Instead, I came out and tried to explain all the REAL reasons for the Captain's actions, and of course I was shouted down by a few rowdy imbeciles. Then it happened. One of them grabbed me by the shirt collar and pushed me into a wall, and I looked at my staff and told them to SOS Security. I had not wanted to escalate the situation to that level, but yes there is an armed security detail on ships, and they arrived in about a minute after the SOS went out. I then made a second announcement to the crowd, explaining that none of their whims or whining was going to alter the fact that our priority and in fact our ONLY JOB at that point was the security and safety of all lives on board (I did it a wee bit nicer than that, but not by much). At that point, I further explained there is a Brig or prison to the nautically-challenged on board, 3 decks below water next to the ship's laundry, where it is always a comfortable 120 degrees Fahrenheit day and night. I told them I expected the lobby to be completely clear in less than 5 minutes, and expected it to remain that way for the duration of the cruise, as well as all other public areas of the ship. Anyone still remaining after 5 minutes, or caught starting another event like this would be forcibly restrained and imprisoned until we returned to Los Angeles, where they would be turned over to Federal authorities who would be charging them with International crimes at sea, including mutiny, piracy, kidnapping, and anything else they could think of to pile on.

The lobby cleared in about 3 minutes. I can tell you I was never more glad to see Sunday roll around, and the new passengers coming on board were all smiles. Just another day in paradise.

It's not widely reported, but these incidents are more common than you'd think on ships. Weather conditions can cause waves or swells, that can preclude ships from docking or anchoring in a scheduled port of call. Trust me, the cruise lines HATE THAT! Much of their profit comes from passengers buying trips ashore, and when they miss a port they know people will be disappointed, angry, and there is no profit for the company. It's a lose/lose/lose, but it comes with the territory. Having said that, anytime a paying passenger feels the least bit jilted, regardless of the circumstance, there tends to be these impromptu town meetings where people regress, converting themselves from an insurance agent and a surgeon, to Ogg and Glog, modern cavemen extraordinaire. If this is the human race, I'll meet you at the finish line.