Lipstick Jungle

The Prez campaign took on a new gloss yesterday. Senator Obama used a long-time, well-recognized adage to describe when change isn't really change: "You can put lipstick on a pig....." (but people will still recognize it as a pig). Senator McCain had used the exact same phrase earlier in the campaign when describing Hillary Clinton's position on a particular issue. Everybody has heard that phrase before. BUT -- that was before the coming-out party last week. Now that Sarah Palin used the word lipstick in her big splashy please-allow-me-to-introduce-myself speech (by the way, isn't that from Sympathy For The Devil?), the Repubs are now crying foul, asserting that Obama is calling Mrs. Palin a pig. Lame. Just another example of politics by distraction. When you don't have the majority agreeing with your positions, you have to do what a magician does....create an illusion. As much as the Democrats try to keep this election about the issues that will MARK OUR LIVES for at least the next 4 years, the Grand Old Party keeps trying to spin it to personality (Sarah's, not John's) and distractions.

I've used a similar metaphor when describing cruise ships that have been "refurbished". If you're not familiar with the word, refurbishment is when you take a ship that has some age on it, take her out of service for a couple of weeks, and do a new paint job, lay new carpeting, and perform some other cosmetic changes, in an attempt to freshen the ship up so it can compete against the newer, fancier ships. The way Cap'n Bob says it is "You can take a duck and paint it yellow, but at the end of the day all you've got is a yellow duck." Hey wait a minute -- that's change that isn't really change! Lipstick on a pig. For you Green Acres fans, it would be like putting Ralph Monroe in a Dolce and Gabbana gown. Yowza!!

Speaking of cruising, you truly get a cross-section of people when you take a cruise. You may be seated at a table with a Doctor, Lawyer, Farmer, Student, Engineer, Secretary, or possibly Lions, Tigers and Bears (yes, professional athletes cruise too!). Some folks are 1-of-a-kind, but most people fall into a category. Here are some you might see on board.....

TOP 10 CRUISER TYPES:

1) THE WHATEVERS. This is my favorite kind of traveler. They know that we live in an imperfect world, and although the cruise lines try to make every vacation wonderful, sometimes a storm can come up, or a medical emergency that forces the ship to alter itinerary, or any number of things that aren't exactly what it said in the brochure. That's ok! The Whatevers are going to have fun, come rain or shine. My suggestion - strive to be a Whatever.

2) JED, JETHRO AND ELLIE MAE. Oh my goodness! Lookee at all them people. Have you ever seen such a thing as this? I declare, this boat must be bigger than 50 barns. I swear there must be a million lights in that lobby, and did you see them clear elevators where you could just about see everything when those ladies got lifted upstairs? What're all them non-American words on the menu I can't read -- Russian or something? It's kind of fun to hang around Jed and all his kin. It's like the Discovery Channel for humanity.

3) THE SNOWBIRDS. Typically, our friends from the frozen tundra to the North, Canada....but can also be Minnesotans, Mainers, Wisconsonites, and Michiganders (by the way, who in heaven's name came up with those monikers???). You may not recognize the Snowbirds initially, except for their Roots logo clothing, but when they get out by the pool, oh my. You'll see skin that rivals a newborn's backside, so pale it's nearly clear. That'll last about 12 minutes. The Snowbirds are used to those Lake Superior beaches, where you can lay out for 5-6 hours using Hawaiian Tropic SPF O with coconut oil, palm oil, cottonseed oil, extra-virgin olive oil, and some Crisco thrown in for crispiness. Snowbird on, Red Lobster off, occasionally wrapped in gauze and burn-treatment ointments and salves for the flight home.

4) MR. & MRS. HUNDREDTIMER. The Hundredtimers will be glad to tell you every detail of every port in the world and what to do there. They'll tell you how this ship compares with every other ship in the world. They've been there. They've done that. They want perks. They want respect. They want to be heard. If you happen to get a table with the Hundredtimers, after that first meal just tell the Maitre D' (what kind of word is that - Russian??) you need a table with a little less chat. He and the Headwaiters always get requests to change after the first night, and they'll almost always be able to accommodate you. That doesn't mean changing your dining time, just finding a more comfortable table. You can also ask for a table just for yourselves, and a small tip goes a long way towards making that happen if you like privacy.

5) THE WHINEONAS. The Whineona family is a wee bit picky about things. They got chocolates on their pillow, but were disappointed they were milk chocolate - they prefer dark. Their cabin was crisply prepared and neat as a pin, but they were disappointed it didn't have a larger closet. They were hoping for a free upgrade to the Owner's Suite, but were disappointed that they merely got a beautiful room that was exactly what they paid for. In case they sound familiar, the Whineonas are the anti-Whatevers. Please don't be a Whineona.

6) THE FUNZIES. Great people to find and hang out with. The Funzies will be involved in everything on board, constantly surrounded by smiles and laughter. They'll be 1st in line to sign up for the "Mr. Hairy Chest Contest", or "Miss Hot Legs". They'll be sticking nickels in the slot machine, and trying to win the coverall jackpot at Bingo. Doesn't matter if they win or lose, it's all about the moment, and sometimes the accompanying delicious beverages. The Funzies will make you laugh, and will make it feel like vacation.

7) THE OLD TAR. Nickname for a sailor, if you didn't know. He knows his ships, and everything on board is compared to the USS Davey Crockett he served on back in the Big One. He's an interesting guy to chat with from a historical perspective, and usually talks about the wife needing to find her sea legs. You'll often see him at the bar, talking the ear off one of the officers who came in to meet single girls, but got stuck with Popeye.

8) THE YERKIDDINGS. I like the Yerkiddings. Having sailed 'round the world myself, and traveled across the US of A as a musician, it's not uncommon for me to meet someone from an obscure place and still find something in common. So, where are you folks from? Iowa? Man, I nearly froze to death in Oelwein Iowa a few years back. YERKIDDING us -- you know Iowa? Wow, this is great!
I used to work with Purser Don, who always had fun with people on board when making small talk. No matter where you were from, Don had heard of it. It always made me laugh when he'd ask someone where they were from, and they'd say New York City, or Los Angeles, and Don would fire back with a straight face, "New York City, eh.....I've heard of it".

9) THE NORMS. You can never go wrong hangin' with the Norms. They're just like you and me. John and Jane Norm, and their kids Wally and The Beaver. The Norms won't try to one-up you in conversation. They'll just talk to you and take an interest in what you say or do. They'd make great pals to go see the islands with, and you'll exchange phone numbers and let's do this again next year. The Norms make up the vast majority of the people you'll meet, and your job will seem a million miles away.

10) THE STUPE-DOGGS. Never a huge fan of hyphenated names myself (pick one and run with it is what I say), the Stupe-Dogg family has many things except this: A clue. Their entire lives start with "Well lemme ask you this...". They're legendary amongst cruise ship employees, and books have even been written about them. Most notably What Time Is The Midnight Buffet? They want to know if the crew sleeps on board. They want to know if the elevators go up AND down. I actually asked Granma Stupe-Dogg how her cruise was going, and she said TERRIBLE. My travel agent promised me I was going to cruise to the Grand Canyon. A bit startled, I composed myself after brief thought, and said "I believe they were talking about Grand Cayman, the island we visited Tuesday." Didn't help. She was 1 ticked-off Granny Goodwitch, who was going to drop that travel agent like a hot potato. For a slight moment I thought about taking out my Atlas, to show her it would be very difficult for a 100,000 ton cruise ship the size of 3 football fields to actually navigate the Colorado River, but I thought better of it. After all, this was the Stupe-Doggs. As Gilda Radner used to say as Roseanne Roseannadanna, NEVER MIND!