The Stratosphere falls to Earth

The Stratosphere hotel in Las Vegas was pretty cool when it first opened. Then the attraction wore a bit thin (ok, it's tall.....what else you got?). People began to realize it was built in a dying area of the city, too far to be Downtown and too far to be considered part of The Strip. So at some point it became a "budget" property, where it's sole claims to fame were cheap rates and various thrill rides at the top that tend to make one puke. Always high on my to-do list when I hit Vegas! My wealthy buddies are always comped at The Venetian, which of course I can't afford on a Cap'n's salary, but they invited me out for a big football weekend so I went. For the 4 hours a day I spend in my hotel room, I figured I could put up with Stratosphere and just take the bus down to meet them each day. You say "why not a taxi?" Good granny.....taxis in Vegas have gone ballistic on price. Stratosphere to Treasure Island (across from where my friends stay) was $15 ONE WAY -- for just over 2 1/2 miles. No thank you very much, Mr. and Mrs. Reader, I'll stick with The Deuce. That's the air-conditioned double-decker buses where you can ride for $5 all day, anywhere on The Strip to Downtown and back again.

And as usual, I find myself sidetracked from what I meant to talk about. Rum has that affect on me, Arrrrrrrrr. Anyway, back to The Stratosphere. Here's this property that looks kind of like an upside down Christmas ornament, or maybe Las Vegas giving you the finger and thanks for coming. It's just this tall obelisk of a thing with slot machines. I found myself checking in and the man at the desk was very nice. "Welcome, Mr. Cap'n Bob, your room is ready and as part of the package you purchased it is prepaid.....except for the resort fee." I cocked my head to the side just a tad, raised my brow a bit and leaned in, to make sure I had heard correctly -- "excuse me?" "Yes, Sir....when you check out you will be billed $5.00 per day for our resort fee." OK, he had my curiosity up, so I inquired as to what the supposed resort fee actually got me. "Access to the weight room, the pool area, and towels at the pool" he replied. Yeah, people from all over Vegas are leaving their world-class tower and spa complexes, to beat a path over here @ $15-20 per taxi each direction, so they can use the flippin' pool that used to be free, or the old Nautilus machines in your exercise room next to the ice machine that also used to be free, but now cost $5.00 per day because as you have aged and grown more tired-looking, you somehow became a RESORT? Folks, you can call it whatever you want, but lowballing your prices and then hitting people with absurd charges whether or not they use any of your "resort" facilities is bait-and-switch. Just on principle alone, I will never go back, and in fact I checked right back out and went to a hotel on The Strip I was familiar with. Trust The Cap'n it ain't about the Benjamins (or in this case the Lincolns). I've been known to drop $5.00 on a Wrigley's Spearmint fix or drunken Air Hockey, so blowing a few bucks wasn't the point.

I'm glad to pay for things that are properly advertised. Go to the movie, it's $9 plus insane prices for popcorn and a drink. That's fine, because I knew that when I came to the theater. But if I got to the theater, paid my $9 to get in, got my $7 corn, my $6 diet Pepsi (with a splash of that oh-so-natural cherry/junk/red dye #7 stuff they spritz in there), then $5 for one of those Family Size boxes of Goobers, and then on the way into the theater a nice young man stopped me and said "I'm sorry, Sir...there's an additional $4 women's restroom towel fee." I'd explain that I'm a guy, I'm at the theater by myself, and I have no intention of meandering into the WAC Latrine to use towels or any other daggone purpose. But he just shrugs and says "Sorry, Sir. Company policy, I just have to collect." Poor young feller. Little did he suspect he'd go home that night with $12 worth of corn and Goobers down his trousers, and a $6 diet cherry-Pepsi poured over his skull. Like I said, I'm a principled man, even if there's a short fuse in my powder keg.

The rest of my trip was quite entertaining. Although I never used to go to shows in Vegas (all those old follies, flappers and floozies shows with the big headgear and sequined swimsuits were a bore anyway), now they've got some pretty good stuff out there. Last Spring, I saw STOMP OUT LOUD and it was 10 times better than I expected. Dance meets rock street drumming. This time, I saw LE REVE at The Wynn, which is a rock-opera-dream-sequence built over water, with extremely cool Cirque de Soleil type acrobatics and costuming. If there was a point, I never saw it but I didn't care one bit. Great show overall. I guess if you're old-school (unlike the obviously avant garde Cap'n), it's cool to go see semi-or-former big names like Donnie & Marie, Cher, or other celebs when you're in Vegas. But celebs have never been my cup o' grog. There was nobody I could name at either Stomp Out Loud or Le Reve, but the shows kept me fully entertained and I'd see either of them again if you're buyin'.

This was also the first trip to Vegas where I've come back to the ship with more cash money than I left with in the first place. Usually I'm financing some Pit Boss's habit, or paying for a couple thousand new light bulbs for the marquee out front. But this time I kept off the gaming tables and stuck to something I know, sports bets, where at least you believe you have a better shot of beating the house. Probably total luck, but after doing a couple weeks of research before my trip, things played out nearly 80% my way. Woo hoo! That reminds me of my favorite gambling saying. Maybe it was Confucius, or Bart Simpson, or maybe it just came to me in a cactus-induced dream, but it's one of the truest truths I know:

"Money won is twice as sweet as money earned."

Amen, Brother (Hulk Hogan, circa 1993).