2 Weeks To Sanity?

I was raised on insane comedy. 3 Stooges. F-Troop. Soupy Sales. And then there were the co-creators of much of that genre, the Marx Brothers. Obviously they were also beloved by the rock group Queen, who went on to name their records after numerous Marx Brothers movies. "Night At The Opera" has some great scenes, including one where Fiorello (Chico Marx) and Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho) are discussing the details of a new contract they're supposed to sign:

Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello: No, that's no good.
Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Otis B. Driftwood: It says...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello: Er... just the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The party of the first part?
Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract...” look, why quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? (he rips it off the page). Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...
Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?
Fiorello: I no like the second party, either.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days! (rips the 2nd part off the page)
Fiorello: What's that clause down there?
Otis B. Driftwood: That clause down here?
Fiorello: Yes, that clause down there.
Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that clause is in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello (laughing out loud): Ha, ha - you can't fool me! There's no such thing as Sanity Claus!

And so it goes. Some people believe there's no such thing as Sanity Claus, but with as lousy as 2009 has been, I'm still hoping a real Holiday Spirit exists, by whichever name you choose to call Him. Or Her. Or It. Whatever the case, I hope all my clients and friends and readers have a wonderful and very merry (insert whichever Holiday you celebrate here).

"Yeah, I started getting loose just past the porch, in that wide open area by the oak tree, and I had to just shut 'er down!"

Tired of weekend chores? Wish you could get through them faster? Maybe you should speak to Don Wales, a British race-car driver who has just designed a lawn mower that can travel up to 100 miles per hour. He's hoping to break the current world record of 80 mph, which has stood since 2006. Mr. Wales already holds world records for electric and steam-powered cars. The lawn mower, which by coincidence can also cut grass, is equipped with a standard power mower engine that has been modified to run on high-octane racing fuel. It's also been tweaked to increase stability, and has been fitted with narrow racing tires to reduce drag. He plans to attempt to break the record in February...stay tuned...

HOLY COW, Batman!

Or maybe it's just a divine bovine? Last week at a dairy farm in Sterling Connecticut, a calf was born with a white marking on its forehead, in the approximate shape of a cross. Owner Brad Davis told WFSB-TV he thinks the marking may be a message from above, though he's still trying to figure out what that message might be. The mostly brown calf is half Jersey, half Holstein. Neighborhood children have named it Moses. However, from the earliest reports there have been no sightings of any Wise Men roaming the area. None.