As we're heading into a New Year, blogettes, I'm looking back on 57 years of personal history, to see if things have ever been quite like this. Eh, no. In this decade of the zeros, "8" has not been a great year for anybody. It's the year that "8" up people's retirement funds, as greed took over the world (even more than normal). Hate rhymes with "8", and there seemed to be more of that than ever before as well. I say EIGHT IS ENOUGH! Let's get this 2009 thing going as soon as possible. Nine is fine. Nine rhymes with wine. Nine is acrobatic - it's a 6 standing on it's head. Most importantly, "9" is one better than "8".
I hope the New Year is one better for all of you!
Southwest Airlines is making a few waves, attempting to move into larger markets even in the midst of a struggling economy. In March 2009, they will be coming to Minneapolis-St. Paul, and there are also plans (though no set date yet) to fly into New York's La Guardia airport. That could be quite a feather in their pilot's cap if they can pull it off, and it will be interesting to see how that affects ticket prices in and out of the Big Apple. Hotels are still going to charge their normal rates, but it may make The City more accessible if it's cheaper to get there. Anything that stimulates tourism and spending is welcome. Particularly when you sell travel for a living!
We've all heard about global warming. No one is sure exactly when it started, or who is to blame for the whole thing. But the San Francisco International airport has a partial answer, and it's perfect for those among you who are guilt-ridden on a regular basis. Who exactly does San Fran say is the problem? YOU! Yes, you. Don't go looking around the room to see who I'm talking to. Here's how it works: Airport official say they plan to set up a series of kiosks this Spring, which will allow travelers to purchase certified carbon "offsets." I know, you think The Cap'n just started speaking Mandarin Chinese or something. They speak a little differently in California, and even more so in the Bay Area. Therefore, I'll try plain English:
Travelers will go to the kiosk, and enter their destination into the touchscreen. The super-green computer will calculate the amount of carbon dioxide for which the passenger is "responsible," by doing the evil thing of getting on an airplane. It will tell the unfortunate soul the cost in DOLLARS of offsetting his or her carbon-based debt to society. It doesn't ask the person's weight, height or how many bags they checked, so I'm not sure how accurate it could possibly be. What about that super-green computer? To my knowledge there's no such thing as a computer that doesn't leave a carbon footprint, but irony is in the eye of the beholder. Anyway, the kiosk computer gives you a printout, which is essentially "You bad person you! To make things right with God and the universe, please swipe your Visa, Mastercard or American Express card in the following amount..." No, I'm not kidding. So what do you get for your $49.95 or whatever? I mean, besides absolution of your carbon sins? Customers will get a receipt, listing the exact carbon-reducing projects their money went to. Such as the Fund To Replicate And Construct Computers For Kiosks, Without Harming Mother (Or Father) Nature, People, Underprivileged Goats, Or Anything Even Remotely Non-Nutritious Or Bad For Earth's Karma. The good old F.T.R.A.C.C.F.K.W.H.M.(O.F.)N.P.U.G.O.A.E.R.N.N.O.B.F.E.K. It's a proud moment for society, despite the horrible "footprint" you leave behind by every day, by living and breathing. Maybe if you ate more Cheerios and soy milk, you'd be a better carbon-person. Maybe not.
Cracker-Jack? The Orange County Register reports that an Irvine, California lady named Debra Rogoff went to the nearby Whole Foods grocery store in Tustin back in October, and among other items she bought some crackers. Nothing as generic as Saltines, Graham Crackers, or Ritz. No, she bought the famous Annie's Sour Cream And Onion Cheddar Bunny Crackers. You know, the kind you used to have as a kid, right? Don't get me wrong, Annie's is a great brand and their mac-and-cheese is awesome. But back to our news story. When the Rogoff family got home, Debra's daughter couldn't wait to dig in to her yummy snack. To her horror, when she opened up the box, there weren't any crackers at all! Just a stinkin' old envelope, filled with crisp $100 bills. To the tune of $10,000. She took it in to her Mommy, thinking maybe Mommy could work her Mommy-Magic, and turn the cash back into delicious crackers. No such luck, little one. But Ms. Rogoff is a fine citizen, and she called police, thinking maybe she had stumbled into a drug transaction or something, where money was disguised in the box and prepared for pickup. Investigators dug into that angle for a while, but received a second phone call a few days later. From Whole Foods in Tustin, CA. Apparently an elderly lady came in, all worked up to hysteria about a particular box of Annie's crackers (you know which flavor, don't you?). She had returned the box of crackers for refund a few days earlier, and by coincidence she had a similar empty box of said crackers which she kept in her home, filled with an envelope and her life savings. Well, as you might suspect, she went to her cash-stash box of Annie's one day, only to find there were *gulp* CRACKERS in the box! She realized she had returned the wrong box, and immediately went to the store to hopefully locate the missing box and put things right. Are you still with me? First of all, who keeps their life savings in an Annie's box? Secondly, who RETURNS an open box of Annie's crackers? Thirdly (and this one goes out to all you readers in the Tustin area who may happen to shop at Whole Foods), how does an open box of crackers get re-stocked on the shelves as new?! Kind of makes you not want to order from the deli there any more, doesn't it? Yuck! In the spirit of the Holidays, though, this true tale has a happy ending. The confused Senior received her life savings back, though no reward or even thank you was left for the Rogoffs. Debra Rogoff returned to the Whole Foods store a couple of weeks later, and they were nice enough to give her a box of Annie's to make up for the one she lost. There is still no mention of how used food items can re-appear on shelves of a "health food store". Use your imagination. It's more fun that way...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Santa clause - the fine print
No, there's nothing in your mortgage saying you have to dress up as St. Nick or anything, I'm just in a jolly spirit, recovering from my sinus infection and my Doctor's Indiana-Jones-style nasal exploits. Rumor has it he found relics of the Ottoman Empire in there, but he wouldn't tell me for sure. Anyway, between a week of healing, antibiotics and happy pills, The Cap'n is ready to set a stocking out by the smokestack tonight, to see what Holiday finery will magically appear. In the mean time, we'll take a Holiday break from travel talk, and just get down to the stuff I love even more, insane (but true) comedy....
According to the New York Times, people in Serbia have had a hard time identifying with anyone local, or even regional or vicinital (LOOK! I made up a word!) as a person they'd most like to emulate. One Serbian artist, who has helped raise money for statues of beloved figures in Serbia, was quoted as saying, "My generation can't find role models in Serbia, so we have to look elsewhere." Indeed they have! In the village of Banatski Sokolac, artists created a giant statue of Jamaican reggae musician Bob Marley. In Serbia. If you think that's a bit weird, they have also (bafflingly) constructed large, reverential public statues to other great world leaders, spiritual icons, and famous people including the following:
> Tarzan
> Rocky Balboa
> Martial-arts actor Bruce Lee
In Serbia. Yep. There was another iconic figure set to be cast into permanent Serbian lore as well, but funding fell through and the project was abandoned. Based on the above list, could it get any stranger? Oh yeah....although she has absolutely no connection to Serbia whatsoever, the original project was to enshrine in stone the image of British pop singer Samantha Fox. I guess they felt they needed a blonde to round out the field.
You know how sometimes you listen to a song, and it seems to go on forever? Not just in church, or American Idol auditions, but other places as well! The Guiness Book of World Records recently added an act to its list. Same one listed a long time ago, but they felt it was worthy of further recognition, given the length of crooning. In Mumbai, India the streak for longest continuous chanting is listed for a second time, as being "still active", according to the Indo-Asian News Service. Clerics at the Shri Bala Hunaman temple started intoning Shri Ram Jay Ram Jay Jay Ram on Aug. 1, 1964. They've never stopped, more than 23 million minutes later. I'm thinking 5 minutes of New York, New York or Ozzy Osbourne's Flying High Again would give them a much-needed break, and re-energize them for the next 45+ years. But maybe that's just me. The likelihood is that Shri Ram Jay Ram Jay Jay Ram will never replace
99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall, Row-Row-Row Your Boat, or I'm Hen-ery The Eighth I Am in the USA as a favorite long-car-trip-sing-along. Second verse, same as the first!
Here's one for the "Judge not, lest ye be judged" column. A man named Eduardo Arrocha had previously worked 15 years under the stage name EAK THE GEEK, The Pain-Proof Man, at New York's Coney Island Sideshow. His daily routine included such highlights as laying on a bed of nails, walking on shards of glass, eating lightbulbs, and putting his tongue into a mousetrap, then snapping it shut. Boy. Some people have cake jobs, don't they? Anyway, Mr. Arrocha had second thoughts on a recent Career Day, and in 2007 he decided to switch to something much more dangerous. What some might even call death-defying. He decided to become a lawyer. The former EAK enrolled at Thomas M. Cooley Law School in Lansing, Michigan, where he is currently in his second year. He describes it as "from one freak show to another - it's the most bizarre thing I've ever done in my life!" Good for you, Eduardo, and I wish you much success in tending the Bar. Job interviews could be a bit of a challenge though. A nice $4000 Bottega Veneta three-piece suit will surely cover his chest-to-toe tattoos. Recruiters could be somewhat put off, though, by the stars, moons and planets that cover his face. "Your Honor - does my client look guilty to you? Especially standing next to ME???"
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. Nice thought, isn't it? Yesterday, police in South Salt Lake, Utah arrested a 25-year old man, who told them that's all he was trying to do: Go home to Seattle, to see his aging Mother. Unfortunately, the man didn't have money for a plane, train or bus ticket. He also didn't have a vehicle, so he decided to "borrow" something that would look nice and impressive when he pulled up to Mom's house. Lexus, you say? Nope. Jaguar? Think a tad bigger. Super-Hummer! Well, you're getting warmer. South Salt Lake Detective Gary Keller says local firefighters were on an emergency medical call, tending to a victim, when suddenly they heard the firetruck's airhorn blowing for no apparent reason. A couple of firefighters ran around to the cab of the truck, only to find "our hero" trying to hijack a half-million-dollar firetruck. Rescue workers and firefighters were able to subdue the wayward son, until police arrived. Baby's Mama will have to wait until after Christmas to see her boy, as he's set to be arraigned Friday on grand theft larceny charges, among others. Maybe they're serving goose and figgy pudding in the slammer tomorrow.
According to the New York Times, people in Serbia have had a hard time identifying with anyone local, or even regional or vicinital (LOOK! I made up a word!) as a person they'd most like to emulate. One Serbian artist, who has helped raise money for statues of beloved figures in Serbia, was quoted as saying, "My generation can't find role models in Serbia, so we have to look elsewhere." Indeed they have! In the village of Banatski Sokolac, artists created a giant statue of Jamaican reggae musician Bob Marley. In Serbia. If you think that's a bit weird, they have also (bafflingly) constructed large, reverential public statues to other great world leaders, spiritual icons, and famous people including the following:
> Tarzan
> Rocky Balboa
> Martial-arts actor Bruce Lee
In Serbia. Yep. There was another iconic figure set to be cast into permanent Serbian lore as well, but funding fell through and the project was abandoned. Based on the above list, could it get any stranger? Oh yeah....although she has absolutely no connection to Serbia whatsoever, the original project was to enshrine in stone the image of British pop singer Samantha Fox. I guess they felt they needed a blonde to round out the field.
You know how sometimes you listen to a song, and it seems to go on forever? Not just in church, or American Idol auditions, but other places as well! The Guiness Book of World Records recently added an act to its list. Same one listed a long time ago, but they felt it was worthy of further recognition, given the length of crooning. In Mumbai, India the streak for longest continuous chanting is listed for a second time, as being "still active", according to the Indo-Asian News Service. Clerics at the Shri Bala Hunaman temple started intoning Shri Ram Jay Ram Jay Jay Ram on Aug. 1, 1964. They've never stopped, more than 23 million minutes later. I'm thinking 5 minutes of New York, New York or Ozzy Osbourne's Flying High Again would give them a much-needed break, and re-energize them for the next 45+ years. But maybe that's just me. The likelihood is that Shri Ram Jay Ram Jay Jay Ram will never replace
99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall, Row-Row-Row Your Boat, or I'm Hen-ery The Eighth I Am in the USA as a favorite long-car-trip-sing-along. Second verse, same as the first!
Here's one for the "Judge not, lest ye be judged" column. A man named Eduardo Arrocha had previously worked 15 years under the stage name EAK THE GEEK, The Pain-Proof Man, at New York's Coney Island Sideshow. His daily routine included such highlights as laying on a bed of nails, walking on shards of glass, eating lightbulbs, and putting his tongue into a mousetrap, then snapping it shut. Boy. Some people have cake jobs, don't they? Anyway, Mr. Arrocha had second thoughts on a recent Career Day, and in 2007 he decided to switch to something much more dangerous. What some might even call death-defying. He decided to become a lawyer. The former EAK enrolled at Thomas M. Cooley Law School in Lansing, Michigan, where he is currently in his second year. He describes it as "from one freak show to another - it's the most bizarre thing I've ever done in my life!" Good for you, Eduardo, and I wish you much success in tending the Bar. Job interviews could be a bit of a challenge though. A nice $4000 Bottega Veneta three-piece suit will surely cover his chest-to-toe tattoos. Recruiters could be somewhat put off, though, by the stars, moons and planets that cover his face. "Your Honor - does my client look guilty to you? Especially standing next to ME???"
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. Nice thought, isn't it? Yesterday, police in South Salt Lake, Utah arrested a 25-year old man, who told them that's all he was trying to do: Go home to Seattle, to see his aging Mother. Unfortunately, the man didn't have money for a plane, train or bus ticket. He also didn't have a vehicle, so he decided to "borrow" something that would look nice and impressive when he pulled up to Mom's house. Lexus, you say? Nope. Jaguar? Think a tad bigger. Super-Hummer! Well, you're getting warmer. South Salt Lake Detective Gary Keller says local firefighters were on an emergency medical call, tending to a victim, when suddenly they heard the firetruck's airhorn blowing for no apparent reason. A couple of firefighters ran around to the cab of the truck, only to find "our hero" trying to hijack a half-million-dollar firetruck. Rescue workers and firefighters were able to subdue the wayward son, until police arrived. Baby's Mama will have to wait until after Christmas to see her boy, as he's set to be arraigned Friday on grand theft larceny charges, among others. Maybe they're serving goose and figgy pudding in the slammer tomorrow.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
'Twas 4 days before Christmas
And all through the North, not a creature was stirring, not Wayne, not Garth. The winter had covered half the Nation in snow, making travelers STOP instead of being able to Go. Airports were closed, many flights had been grounded, as restless kids screamed, cried, kicked and pounded. The 2 hour trip to Grandma's seems slow. In fact, I think it started a lifetime ago. This is the time, that one time of year, when families visit with presents and cheer. But winter had other plans: a walloping punch, that took all the fun away like losing your lunch. For anyone out there who actually made it, the memories of hassles have waned and faded. To be with your loved ones in late December, is something you'll cherish and always remember.
If you never quite got there and are stuck in a terminal, I hope you have patience and some good anti-germ-inal. Eventually the storms will blow themselves out, and you'll get to see Grandma, so no need to pout. Next time, to avoid the worst of winter's grip, think of going earlier than a December trip. It'll feel much more like the land of the living, if you stay home for Christmas, and visit Grandma for Thanksgiving!
Everyone stay safe this week, and enjoy your Holidays.
If you never quite got there and are stuck in a terminal, I hope you have patience and some good anti-germ-inal. Eventually the storms will blow themselves out, and you'll get to see Grandma, so no need to pout. Next time, to avoid the worst of winter's grip, think of going earlier than a December trip. It'll feel much more like the land of the living, if you stay home for Christmas, and visit Grandma for Thanksgiving!
Everyone stay safe this week, and enjoy your Holidays.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Geography 101
"Riddle me this, Batman....With the Atlantic Ocean standing in your way, how would you move Holland to Bermuda?"
The answer: propellers
After an extended absence, Holland America announced last September they will make a return to the lovely island of Bermuda in 2010. So why I am I reporting this "news" today? Because the response has been so overwhelming among their past passengers, they have just added 4 more months of service! The original plan was to have the Veendam sail from New York for a handful of cruises, starting in August of 2010. The ship will stop in both Hamilton and St. George's, scheduled for approximately 2 1/2 days in each, which is fantastic. Demand was so great, they have decided to open up a full season of Bermuda sailings, starting as early as April 2010. That means a full season of 24 departures. Why is this so important to report? Think about it. Right now, they have a ship that is scheduled to be 100% empty for April, May, June and July! You can get the maximum early-booking discounted rates right now, and even more importantly you can pick and choose the finest cabin locations, in whatever category you wish. Anyone who has ever sailed across the Atlantic knows Bermuda sailings can be a bit challenging with more waves and swells than a typical Caribbean cruise. So it's important to get that perfect cabin spot, where you know you'll have the smoothest ride possible, and the optimum vacation experience. In the entire Western Hemisphere, Bermuda is my favorite island, so I'd urge anyone interested to call us right away at (800) 835-9828, for assistance and discount pricing. This space is going to sell out quickly, so give yourself a Christmas present today!
Oh yeah. You're probably wondering about my sinus infection (sure you are!). I'm obviously not dead just yet, so that's progress. I had a nice doctor do a "procedure" yesterday, which I considered more of an "excavation" inside about half my face. Lo and behold, I'm pretty as a picture today and I have the nice doctor and a container of happy pills to thank. So quit worrying yourself about The Cap'n. It takes more than a backhoe inside my head to cause any real damage.
Doesn't money talk make you dizzy? It sure does me. This morning, a bailout of the auto industry was announced, with CNN reporting 13.4 billion, and USAToday saying 17 billion. Does anybody see a slight difference there? Like a tiny little 3.6 billion? Think about a billion. It's a THOUSAND MILLION. Seems like every night on the news we're hearing numbers that sound like an imaginative child playing Monopoly. "I'll pay a Gazillion dollars to put hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, and as soon as you land on them, you'll owe me about a Kadillion Triplebazillion dollars!" It's come to the point where I don't think even the news services and anchormen can wrap their heads around it, really. I'm still working on my multiplication tables and trying to figure out how the smart kids are able to use a stinkin' slide rule. I use mine whenever something falls behind the dresser that I can't quite reach...
Some men like Ralph Lauren Silver. Others have a preference for Davidoff Cool Water. Whatever scent you think attracts someone to you, there is definitely a new player in the men's fragrance market. He claims to be The King. The Associated Press reports there is a new scent available on the market, a men's body spray called "Flame." What's so special about that? The product comes from Burger King, which it describes as:
"the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat." The fast food chain is marketing the product through an inter-active website, featuring romantic backdrops. If by chance you're pro-active enough to play around for a while, you may figure out how to see The King, in an awkwardly amorous setting by a fireplace. I realize it's a bit hard to fathom, but you can check it out at: http://www.firemeetsdesire.com/.
What ever happened to the days of "ours tastes better?" Amazing. Then again, it gets people talking so the old saying all advertising is good advertising must still apply.
The answer: propellers
After an extended absence, Holland America announced last September they will make a return to the lovely island of Bermuda in 2010. So why I am I reporting this "news" today? Because the response has been so overwhelming among their past passengers, they have just added 4 more months of service! The original plan was to have the Veendam sail from New York for a handful of cruises, starting in August of 2010. The ship will stop in both Hamilton and St. George's, scheduled for approximately 2 1/2 days in each, which is fantastic. Demand was so great, they have decided to open up a full season of Bermuda sailings, starting as early as April 2010. That means a full season of 24 departures. Why is this so important to report? Think about it. Right now, they have a ship that is scheduled to be 100% empty for April, May, June and July! You can get the maximum early-booking discounted rates right now, and even more importantly you can pick and choose the finest cabin locations, in whatever category you wish. Anyone who has ever sailed across the Atlantic knows Bermuda sailings can be a bit challenging with more waves and swells than a typical Caribbean cruise. So it's important to get that perfect cabin spot, where you know you'll have the smoothest ride possible, and the optimum vacation experience. In the entire Western Hemisphere, Bermuda is my favorite island, so I'd urge anyone interested to call us right away at (800) 835-9828, for assistance and discount pricing. This space is going to sell out quickly, so give yourself a Christmas present today!
Oh yeah. You're probably wondering about my sinus infection (sure you are!). I'm obviously not dead just yet, so that's progress. I had a nice doctor do a "procedure" yesterday, which I considered more of an "excavation" inside about half my face. Lo and behold, I'm pretty as a picture today and I have the nice doctor and a container of happy pills to thank. So quit worrying yourself about The Cap'n. It takes more than a backhoe inside my head to cause any real damage.
Doesn't money talk make you dizzy? It sure does me. This morning, a bailout of the auto industry was announced, with CNN reporting 13.4 billion, and USAToday saying 17 billion. Does anybody see a slight difference there? Like a tiny little 3.6 billion? Think about a billion. It's a THOUSAND MILLION. Seems like every night on the news we're hearing numbers that sound like an imaginative child playing Monopoly. "I'll pay a Gazillion dollars to put hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, and as soon as you land on them, you'll owe me about a Kadillion Triplebazillion dollars!" It's come to the point where I don't think even the news services and anchormen can wrap their heads around it, really. I'm still working on my multiplication tables and trying to figure out how the smart kids are able to use a stinkin' slide rule. I use mine whenever something falls behind the dresser that I can't quite reach...
Some men like Ralph Lauren Silver. Others have a preference for Davidoff Cool Water. Whatever scent you think attracts someone to you, there is definitely a new player in the men's fragrance market. He claims to be The King. The Associated Press reports there is a new scent available on the market, a men's body spray called "Flame." What's so special about that? The product comes from Burger King, which it describes as:
"the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat." The fast food chain is marketing the product through an inter-active website, featuring romantic backdrops. If by chance you're pro-active enough to play around for a while, you may figure out how to see The King, in an awkwardly amorous setting by a fireplace. I realize it's a bit hard to fathom, but you can check it out at: http://www.firemeetsdesire.com/.
What ever happened to the days of "ours tastes better?" Amazing. Then again, it gets people talking so the old saying all advertising is good advertising must still apply.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
If I seem a little absent....
I haven't been bloggin' while there's a little problem with my noggin'. Yes, even immortal Seafarers like myself can sometimes get sinus infections, and while I'm dealing with it, the sense of humor has taken a back seat. Fear not, I'll be fine. As they say, "The only thing to fear is The Joker himself, or possibly Simon Cowell." Heck, I've lived through Iraq, Afghanistan, Iraq again, Viet Nam, another Iraq or some neighboring area that reminds me of Iraq, and at least 3 World Wars, so I'll make it through this. Anyway, keep checking back and as soon as I get back on the good foot, you'll be the first to know. Ok maybe you'll be 3rd or 4th, but you made the top half-dozen, so hold your heads high even if I can't.....
The Cap'n
The Cap'n
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Snow White? All-Right!
Before you get to thinking I'm talking about some overcrowded, overpriced, over-the-top theme park full of screamin' kids, remember I'm a scraggly old ship's Cap'n with about as much patience as you can fit on a dime. Snow white only means one thing to me: pristine beaches that look like sugar, and plenty of salt water! So where am I talking about today? Mexico? Nope, that was yesterday although they DO have some nice sand. Antigua? Another pretty beach area, but no cigar.
How about a little closer to home? Like that big 'ol banana hanging off the East Coast of the USA, known as Florida. Most everyone thinks of Florida in this order:
1) Orlando (see above, about them kids and all)
2) Miami/South Beach (action, but not Florida's best beaches)
3) Key West (another great area, but not today's subject)
If you do the math, you'll see that's only 3 cities, which wouldn't even fill up a corner of Rhode Island....there's plenty of Florida left to talk about! Because people going South from North typically enter Florida on I-75 cutting through mid-state, or I-95 that runs all the way down the Eastern side of Florida's most populous coast, it's only the adventurous that cross Interstate 4 or Alligator Alley to see what the West Coast has to offer. When it comes to beaches in the Sunshine State, West Coast means BEST Coast for beaches. For some reason, the Eastern (Atlantic) side of the state has nice kind-of-white-kind-of-brownish sand, but the Gulf of Mexico side, which feeds from the Caribbean Sea, has significantly brighter, whiter sand and prettier water. You may not find as many luxury or world-class resorts on that side of the state simply because it IS less-populous, an insider's secret because of the geography of getting there. Like I said, everybody stays on I-75, I-95 and the Florida Turnpike, which won't get you to the Promised Land! I say don't bother getting in your car at all. You don't really want all that salt and sand messing up your car, so here's my idea for you...
We can fly you down, and arrange for a rental car to be waiting for you. We'll book you into whatever level of hotel or resort you want, and it'll all be prepaid. You'll just have the common-sense things left like meals and gasoline, but otherwise we'll do the thinkin' and you can do the drinkin'. Sound like a plan? Here are some names you may have heard, but don't really know much about: Naples & Ft. Myers. Sarasota & Longboat Key. Tampa & St. Petersburg. Pensacola & Destin. There are resort areas like Marco Island. Your choices are boundless, and if all you've ever done in the past is Central and Eastern Florida, you've missed a lot. Particularly when it comes to relaxation and gorgeous beach and water. Oh yeah. Your vacation is a whole lot simpler, too. No passports. No Customs and Immigration. Half the crowds of the East Coast beaches. Less traffic. Lower prices than in the more well-known areas. Have I got your attention yet? It's true that families with small kids may find a bit less to do on the Western side than in Orlando or Miami, but right from the start of the blog today, you can pretty much tell that's not who I'm addressing. Let us put together a stress-free package to the Best Coast for you, and I'd be willing to bet you'll go back for seconds. When I personally vacation in Florida, I never consider anything other than which Western beach I'm doing next.
A Pennsylvania chemical engineer is working on a line of fragrances aimed at those who are nostalgic for their university years. Katie Masik's Harrisburg-based company, Masik Collegiate Fragrances,has already created scents for the University of North Carolina and Penn State, and she's working on the University of Georgia, LSU and other schools. Look for them to be on the market next year, according to a Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel report Thursday. Masik said she visits the schools and speaks with students and alumni, before settling on the scent that best defines the school.“I get a lot of requests for beer smell and sweaty football players,” Masik said. From my own college days (daze), my thoughts drift back to smells like 2-day-old pizza that has a couple bites out of it, some Jovan Musk Oil, and that skinny guy with the black glasses that ran the audio-visual equipment during class, when the air conditioning was out. Pheww! Maybe Ms. Masik should work on a scent that plays the Allman Brothers' "In Memory Of Elizabeth Reed" when you unscrew the top. I'd buy me some of that!
My thanks to Bizarre News for a few little gems. These are some funny snippets from actual ads, taken from various newspapers, just in time for the Holidays:
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
The New And Improved SUPERSTORE! Unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
The Cap'n
How about a little closer to home? Like that big 'ol banana hanging off the East Coast of the USA, known as Florida. Most everyone thinks of Florida in this order:
1) Orlando (see above, about them kids and all)
2) Miami/South Beach (action, but not Florida's best beaches)
3) Key West (another great area, but not today's subject)
If you do the math, you'll see that's only 3 cities, which wouldn't even fill up a corner of Rhode Island....there's plenty of Florida left to talk about! Because people going South from North typically enter Florida on I-75 cutting through mid-state, or I-95 that runs all the way down the Eastern side of Florida's most populous coast, it's only the adventurous that cross Interstate 4 or Alligator Alley to see what the West Coast has to offer. When it comes to beaches in the Sunshine State, West Coast means BEST Coast for beaches. For some reason, the Eastern (Atlantic) side of the state has nice kind-of-white-kind-of-brownish sand, but the Gulf of Mexico side, which feeds from the Caribbean Sea, has significantly brighter, whiter sand and prettier water. You may not find as many luxury or world-class resorts on that side of the state simply because it IS less-populous, an insider's secret because of the geography of getting there. Like I said, everybody stays on I-75, I-95 and the Florida Turnpike, which won't get you to the Promised Land! I say don't bother getting in your car at all. You don't really want all that salt and sand messing up your car, so here's my idea for you...
We can fly you down, and arrange for a rental car to be waiting for you. We'll book you into whatever level of hotel or resort you want, and it'll all be prepaid. You'll just have the common-sense things left like meals and gasoline, but otherwise we'll do the thinkin' and you can do the drinkin'. Sound like a plan? Here are some names you may have heard, but don't really know much about: Naples & Ft. Myers. Sarasota & Longboat Key. Tampa & St. Petersburg. Pensacola & Destin. There are resort areas like Marco Island. Your choices are boundless, and if all you've ever done in the past is Central and Eastern Florida, you've missed a lot. Particularly when it comes to relaxation and gorgeous beach and water. Oh yeah. Your vacation is a whole lot simpler, too. No passports. No Customs and Immigration. Half the crowds of the East Coast beaches. Less traffic. Lower prices than in the more well-known areas. Have I got your attention yet? It's true that families with small kids may find a bit less to do on the Western side than in Orlando or Miami, but right from the start of the blog today, you can pretty much tell that's not who I'm addressing. Let us put together a stress-free package to the Best Coast for you, and I'd be willing to bet you'll go back for seconds. When I personally vacation in Florida, I never consider anything other than which Western beach I'm doing next.
A Pennsylvania chemical engineer is working on a line of fragrances aimed at those who are nostalgic for their university years. Katie Masik's Harrisburg-based company, Masik Collegiate Fragrances,has already created scents for the University of North Carolina and Penn State, and she's working on the University of Georgia, LSU and other schools. Look for them to be on the market next year, according to a Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel report Thursday. Masik said she visits the schools and speaks with students and alumni, before settling on the scent that best defines the school.“I get a lot of requests for beer smell and sweaty football players,” Masik said. From my own college days (daze), my thoughts drift back to smells like 2-day-old pizza that has a couple bites out of it, some Jovan Musk Oil, and that skinny guy with the black glasses that ran the audio-visual equipment during class, when the air conditioning was out. Pheww! Maybe Ms. Masik should work on a scent that plays the Allman Brothers' "In Memory Of Elizabeth Reed" when you unscrew the top. I'd buy me some of that!
My thanks to Bizarre News for a few little gems. These are some funny snippets from actual ads, taken from various newspapers, just in time for the Holidays:
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
The New And Improved SUPERSTORE! Unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Christmas sale - handmade gifts, for that hard-to-find person.
Get rid of unwanted aunts. Zap Traps will do the job in 24 hours or less!
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross included.
And a Happy Holiday to you as well!The Cap'n
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Mexi-Go!
Over the last few months, I've heard from a number of my cruise clients, raising the same point when they get back from vacation. Invariably they had a great time, but they felt like they were being "nickeled-and-dimed" more than ever before. REALITY CHECK: With the Caribbean chock-full of ships holding 3,000+ passengers, in the midst of the worst economy since the 1930's, cruise lines are having to offer low entry-level pricing to attract business. They are still having to serve up lobster, steak and everything else cruise passengers expect, so there is a lot of pressure to generate onboard revenue (that's a nice code name for nickel-and-diming, but after all it IS a business). Today, we're seeing cruise prices as low as they've been in 20 years. When I got in the cruise business about 33 years ago, it was common for a 7-night cruise to be $1200-1500 per person. Most cruise lines were privately-owned companies. I remember when I got into the selling side in 1989, the port charges and taxes on a cruise were around $39. Today, it's not surprising to see taxes totalling $300 or more!
You're probably asking "Is that kind of increase even possible?" Not really, if the truth be told, but it's a secret way cruise lines adjust pricing, so that even we as travel agents are feeling the pinch of getting nickeled-and-dimed. As I mentioned the lines used to be privately owned, but now they're almost all publicly-owned, traded on major stock markets. I don't think it's a coincidence that as shareholders ask for more return on their investment, the cruise lines have become extremely creative with how they price cruises. Everything's legal, just "different." Let me explain how this works, and dispel some rumors and myths at the same time.
Some people don't use travel agents. Say WHAT!? They believe that somehow they pay more to go through a travel agent when booking a cruise, than to just call the cruise line themselves. That is TOTALLY UNTRUE! You don't pay us any extra fees on cruise bookings, and actually we often have group space or other volume discounts, that will save you money over booking direct, not cost you more. So how do we get paid? The way it works is cruise lines pays us a small commission behind-the-scenes, on the cruise fare. It's not economically feasible for them to have 10's of thousands of reservation agents on their payroll, especially in a down economy. So they welcome the assistance of travel agents, and as a reward for helping complete payment transactions and fill their ships, they pay us a little "thank you," once people have sailed. Notice I mentioned cruise fare. Back in the day, you might have seen a cruise fare of $1100, and port charges of $39. They realized they were paying travel agents commission on $1100, but since they pay nothing on taxes, it created a sweeping industry turnaround. Over the next few years, cruise fares have been shrinking to ridiculously-low levels, while taxes and fees have increased exponentially. We recently read reports of a 3-night NCL cruise where the agent commission was $3. That's not a misprint. Three bucks. The supposed taxes were over $200, but the part they consider commissionable was almost non-existent. You can't even create an invoice, mail it to someone and break even for $3. So trust me when I tell you, agencies are feeling your pain! You can see why passengers are getting sticker-shock, when confronted with their onboard charges, shore excursion prices, service fees, etc. during the trip.
Having said all that, cruising is still an excellent value in many parts of the world. I tell people cruising is like a box of chocolates, which means you can sample different ports or islands, to see what they're like. Maybe after you find a destination or two that you fall in love with, you can plan a vacation back there on a later trip. If you just like cruising, I understand. Me too! But it's also important in the current economy, to have a good idea what your vacation is going to cost, before you ever leave home. It's called budgeting. For that reason, even though I'm an old Sea-Dog, I send more clients to island or country destinations these days, to a relatively-new type of resort called an All-Inclusive. What the heck is an all-inclusive, anyway? Gee, it kind of sounds like a place where everything is included....
WE HAVE A WINNER, Ladies and Gentlemen!
One of the reasons cruises became so popular 25-30 years ago, besides a little TV show called Love Boat, is that many upscale resorts started doing the unthinkable to their best customers. See if this sounds familiar: they started nickel-and-diming them with exorbitant resort fees, sky-high food and drink prices, and so on. Hmmmmm. Could this be an example of life imitating art imitating life imitating, oh you know what I mean. Many resorts have now decided they can put together a complete package, including fabulous accommodations, unlimited meals, drinks, gratuities, activities (within reason), and really win back those people who abandoned them due to their greed years ago. The best way to say you're sorry is to make it back up to the person. Isn't that the way life is supposed to work?
Not all destinations offer all-inclusive packages. Case in point, the USA! We have almost none, because resorts don't get liquor duty-free, our food costs can be higher, and by the time they'd package something comparable to a Caribbean destination, the price would be through the roof. There are islands in the Caribbean that offer all-inclusive options, but not all of them. But it's not all about the islands. There is a country bordered on the East by the Caribbean Sea, on on the West by the Pacific Ocean, that has more all-inclusive options than just about anywhere you can imagine: MEXICO!
Mexico has become the king of all-inclusive destinations on both coasts. From the red-rock beauty of Cabo San Lucas, to the sleepy mountain scenery of Puerto Vallarta, to the white-sand beaches of Cancun and the Mayan Riviera, there are beach destinations all over Mexico that offer fantastic value. The upscale resorts all have water purification plants, excellent food, and before you leave your house you will know almost exactly what you'll be spending. Alcoholic beverages are included, as are soft drinks, and even the gratuities are pre-paid in your trip cost. Some Mexican cities offer choices ranging from economy to world-class resorts, and many activities are included such as non-motorized water sports, tennis, basketball, putt-putt, and much more. Certain hotels offer free golf. Others have free tours built in, such as seeing one of the 7-wonders of the world, the great pyramid at Chichen Itza. Or horseback riding. Or a sunset cruise. On and on, the variety and VALUE are unmatched by just about anywhere else in the Western Hemisphere. I didn't even mention places like Acapulco, Ixtapa, Cozumel and others. Whether you're a diver, golfer, beach bum, or just want pampering and relaxation, Mexico has it all.
Now - depending on you, the traveler, there can still be other expenses involved. If you go to a spa facility and plan to have treatments, just like any other spa those are "a la carte." For golfers, the greens fees may be included, but they may have a charge for a cart or club rental. How can you find out these things? Call us! This is what we do. Sure you can research the internet, but we can do better. We can give you active feedback from hundreds or thousands of clients that we've personally sold to the top Mexican resorts. We'll ask you questions, to find out what exactly you're looking for out of the trip, and will make recommendations based on the budget you give us. IMPORTANT NOTE: When calling us for an all-inclusive, give the agent your full, real budget. If your budget is $4000, don't tell us $2500 (keeping the extra $1500 in reserve at the back of your mind). It's an all-inclusive! You don't need to keep a huge reserve like you might on a cruise, and the difference between an artificially-low budget and what you really can spend could throw our recommendations way off. Instead of offering you a world-class experience, we may be offering you something still very good, but not in the same league. That's because we're basing our recommendations on the type of hotel and budget you give us. I can't stress to you enough how important it is to be up-front with your booking agent on how much you truly have in the budget for your trip! The difference to your vacation satisfaction can be enormous. Let's get you down to Mexico. Call us today!
Here's a big OOPS! When George W. Bush was elected 8 years ago, a web developing company copyrighted the domain name http://www.georgewbushlibrary.com/. They maintained it year after year for a $10 re-registration fee, and were planning to do so forever, as the official website of W's library. Well, somebody was asleep at the switch, and they accidentally let it expire. When they went back in to re-register, a Raleigh North Carolina based Karate school had bought it. Illuminiti Karate purchased the name for $10, and when web developer Yuma Solutions asked for it back, they said SURE. No problem. It's absolutely for sale. Our price? $35,000. Mark Mills, owner of Yuma Solutions, did not immediately return calls seeking comment Thursday. The Tallahassee, Florida-based company has a history with the Bush family, hosting Web sites for Bush's 2000 campaign and for Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's 1998 and 2002 campaigns. Unfortunately for Yuma, they were left in the awkward position of having to buy the domain name back, and paying the $35,000. Whatcha going to do? Argue with a red-belt karate Grand Master?
For you Christmas fans who prefer a "live" Nativity scene, as opposed to plastic animals and plastic baby Jesus, the price of poker is going up this year. One example is in Wisconsin, where the cost of renting live camels has gone through the manger roof! People who had rented camels in the past are replacing them with much cheaper options, such as donkeys and sheep. It may cost $2,100 to rent three camels on ChristmasEve , where you can get a half dozen of the other little farm critters for a mere $250, according to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. Kathy Meyer, whose family owns Jo-Don Farms in Franksville, Wisconsin told the newspaper, “We're expecting this year to be worse than normal. Some groups have replaced camels, and it has hurt us because we've kept and fed them all year, and now there is no demand.” Is it just me? With as much beautiful, fertile farmland as there is in Wisconsin, did raising camels for a 1-night yearly rental, strike anyone as a good idea? OK, maybe Micheal Jackson, but anyone else? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
You're probably asking "Is that kind of increase even possible?" Not really, if the truth be told, but it's a secret way cruise lines adjust pricing, so that even we as travel agents are feeling the pinch of getting nickeled-and-dimed. As I mentioned the lines used to be privately owned, but now they're almost all publicly-owned, traded on major stock markets. I don't think it's a coincidence that as shareholders ask for more return on their investment, the cruise lines have become extremely creative with how they price cruises. Everything's legal, just "different." Let me explain how this works, and dispel some rumors and myths at the same time.
Some people don't use travel agents. Say WHAT!? They believe that somehow they pay more to go through a travel agent when booking a cruise, than to just call the cruise line themselves. That is TOTALLY UNTRUE! You don't pay us any extra fees on cruise bookings, and actually we often have group space or other volume discounts, that will save you money over booking direct, not cost you more. So how do we get paid? The way it works is cruise lines pays us a small commission behind-the-scenes, on the cruise fare. It's not economically feasible for them to have 10's of thousands of reservation agents on their payroll, especially in a down economy. So they welcome the assistance of travel agents, and as a reward for helping complete payment transactions and fill their ships, they pay us a little "thank you," once people have sailed. Notice I mentioned cruise fare. Back in the day, you might have seen a cruise fare of $1100, and port charges of $39. They realized they were paying travel agents commission on $1100, but since they pay nothing on taxes, it created a sweeping industry turnaround. Over the next few years, cruise fares have been shrinking to ridiculously-low levels, while taxes and fees have increased exponentially. We recently read reports of a 3-night NCL cruise where the agent commission was $3. That's not a misprint. Three bucks. The supposed taxes were over $200, but the part they consider commissionable was almost non-existent. You can't even create an invoice, mail it to someone and break even for $3. So trust me when I tell you, agencies are feeling your pain! You can see why passengers are getting sticker-shock, when confronted with their onboard charges, shore excursion prices, service fees, etc. during the trip.
Having said all that, cruising is still an excellent value in many parts of the world. I tell people cruising is like a box of chocolates, which means you can sample different ports or islands, to see what they're like. Maybe after you find a destination or two that you fall in love with, you can plan a vacation back there on a later trip. If you just like cruising, I understand. Me too! But it's also important in the current economy, to have a good idea what your vacation is going to cost, before you ever leave home. It's called budgeting. For that reason, even though I'm an old Sea-Dog, I send more clients to island or country destinations these days, to a relatively-new type of resort called an All-Inclusive. What the heck is an all-inclusive, anyway? Gee, it kind of sounds like a place where everything is included....
WE HAVE A WINNER, Ladies and Gentlemen!
One of the reasons cruises became so popular 25-30 years ago, besides a little TV show called Love Boat, is that many upscale resorts started doing the unthinkable to their best customers. See if this sounds familiar: they started nickel-and-diming them with exorbitant resort fees, sky-high food and drink prices, and so on. Hmmmmm. Could this be an example of life imitating art imitating life imitating, oh you know what I mean. Many resorts have now decided they can put together a complete package, including fabulous accommodations, unlimited meals, drinks, gratuities, activities (within reason), and really win back those people who abandoned them due to their greed years ago. The best way to say you're sorry is to make it back up to the person. Isn't that the way life is supposed to work?
Not all destinations offer all-inclusive packages. Case in point, the USA! We have almost none, because resorts don't get liquor duty-free, our food costs can be higher, and by the time they'd package something comparable to a Caribbean destination, the price would be through the roof. There are islands in the Caribbean that offer all-inclusive options, but not all of them. But it's not all about the islands. There is a country bordered on the East by the Caribbean Sea, on on the West by the Pacific Ocean, that has more all-inclusive options than just about anywhere you can imagine: MEXICO!
Mexico has become the king of all-inclusive destinations on both coasts. From the red-rock beauty of Cabo San Lucas, to the sleepy mountain scenery of Puerto Vallarta, to the white-sand beaches of Cancun and the Mayan Riviera, there are beach destinations all over Mexico that offer fantastic value. The upscale resorts all have water purification plants, excellent food, and before you leave your house you will know almost exactly what you'll be spending. Alcoholic beverages are included, as are soft drinks, and even the gratuities are pre-paid in your trip cost. Some Mexican cities offer choices ranging from economy to world-class resorts, and many activities are included such as non-motorized water sports, tennis, basketball, putt-putt, and much more. Certain hotels offer free golf. Others have free tours built in, such as seeing one of the 7-wonders of the world, the great pyramid at Chichen Itza. Or horseback riding. Or a sunset cruise. On and on, the variety and VALUE are unmatched by just about anywhere else in the Western Hemisphere. I didn't even mention places like Acapulco, Ixtapa, Cozumel and others. Whether you're a diver, golfer, beach bum, or just want pampering and relaxation, Mexico has it all.
Now - depending on you, the traveler, there can still be other expenses involved. If you go to a spa facility and plan to have treatments, just like any other spa those are "a la carte." For golfers, the greens fees may be included, but they may have a charge for a cart or club rental. How can you find out these things? Call us! This is what we do. Sure you can research the internet, but we can do better. We can give you active feedback from hundreds or thousands of clients that we've personally sold to the top Mexican resorts. We'll ask you questions, to find out what exactly you're looking for out of the trip, and will make recommendations based on the budget you give us. IMPORTANT NOTE: When calling us for an all-inclusive, give the agent your full, real budget. If your budget is $4000, don't tell us $2500 (keeping the extra $1500 in reserve at the back of your mind). It's an all-inclusive! You don't need to keep a huge reserve like you might on a cruise, and the difference between an artificially-low budget and what you really can spend could throw our recommendations way off. Instead of offering you a world-class experience, we may be offering you something still very good, but not in the same league. That's because we're basing our recommendations on the type of hotel and budget you give us. I can't stress to you enough how important it is to be up-front with your booking agent on how much you truly have in the budget for your trip! The difference to your vacation satisfaction can be enormous. Let's get you down to Mexico. Call us today!
Here's a big OOPS! When George W. Bush was elected 8 years ago, a web developing company copyrighted the domain name http://www.georgewbushlibrary.com/. They maintained it year after year for a $10 re-registration fee, and were planning to do so forever, as the official website of W's library. Well, somebody was asleep at the switch, and they accidentally let it expire. When they went back in to re-register, a Raleigh North Carolina based Karate school had bought it. Illuminiti Karate purchased the name for $10, and when web developer Yuma Solutions asked for it back, they said SURE. No problem. It's absolutely for sale. Our price? $35,000. Mark Mills, owner of Yuma Solutions, did not immediately return calls seeking comment Thursday. The Tallahassee, Florida-based company has a history with the Bush family, hosting Web sites for Bush's 2000 campaign and for Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's 1998 and 2002 campaigns. Unfortunately for Yuma, they were left in the awkward position of having to buy the domain name back, and paying the $35,000. Whatcha going to do? Argue with a red-belt karate Grand Master?
For you Christmas fans who prefer a "live" Nativity scene, as opposed to plastic animals and plastic baby Jesus, the price of poker is going up this year. One example is in Wisconsin, where the cost of renting live camels has gone through the manger roof! People who had rented camels in the past are replacing them with much cheaper options, such as donkeys and sheep. It may cost $2,100 to rent three camels on ChristmasEve , where you can get a half dozen of the other little farm critters for a mere $250, according to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. Kathy Meyer, whose family owns Jo-Don Farms in Franksville, Wisconsin told the newspaper, “We're expecting this year to be worse than normal. Some groups have replaced camels, and it has hurt us because we've kept and fed them all year, and now there is no demand.” Is it just me? With as much beautiful, fertile farmland as there is in Wisconsin, did raising camels for a 1-night yearly rental, strike anyone as a good idea? OK, maybe Micheal Jackson, but anyone else? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
