Royal Caribbean is having its first ever Beatles-theme cruise, on the Independence Of The Seas, March 28th 2010. It's a 6-night Western Caribbean sailing from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I got kind of excited when I read that, thinking how great it would be to rub elbows with at least one of the remaining Beatles.
I figured Ringo. Surely they'll have Ringo Starr on board. Paul is still in too-great demand around the world, but Ringo is kind of the Ed Norton to the other Beatles' Ralph Kramden. (You young-'uns go visit your wikipedia for a minute....we'll wait). But alas, even Ringo is a no-show. It's a Beatle-less Beatles cruise, featuring a tribute band from Chicago called BritBeat. I Googled them, and the reviews say they're really good, kind of like if there was a band called Working Class Tough Guys Who Chew Gum, who sounded a lot like ShaNaNa (back to wikipedia, kiddies!). But since the Beatles literally changed my life the night of their first Ed Sullivan (wikipedia!!!) appearance, I have a very soft place in my heart for the Fab Four. I'll save you the wiki-trip, that was the Beatles' nickname. The night of Feb. 9, 1964 I was sitting in front of the TV with my parents, as an impressionable 12-year old boy with no clue about his future. Suddenly, there were these shaggy-haired guys on the screen playing LOUD, high-energy music, and girls were screaming and crying, wanting ever-so-much to be attached to these dapper lads in their matching suits and pointy-toed boots. You could barely hear the music for the screaming. I looked at my parents, pointed to the TV screen and said, "I know Bill (my brother) is going to M.I.T. to design rockets for NASA (he did), but I want to do THAT for a living!" Of course I got an icy-cold stare from my Mom, but lo-and-behold the next Christmas I got a used Slingerland set of drums from Santa, and my life's path was set.
So back to the cruise. OK, they've got the BritBeat band playing. I'm sure they're going to have some celebrities and Beatles associates on board. Yoko? Is Yoko going to be there? Eh, no. However, May Pang is definitely on the list! Who? May Pang. You know, John Lennon's former girlfriend. Yeah, I don't remember her either but they say she was and since I didn't read Tiger Beat Magazine I'll have to take their word for it. Who else.....hmmmm. OH YEAH! I'm hearing that Nancy Lee Andrews is confirmed! No, not Julie Andrews - she has no connection. Nancy Lee Andrews. You know, Ringo Starr's former fiancee? Yeah, me neither on that one, Tiger Beat Magazine, blah blah blah etc. OK here's one for you - how about Chris O'Dell? You know, the woman who wrote "Miss O'Dell: My Hard Days and Long Nights with the Beatles, the Stones, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, and the Women They Loved"? Or Jorie Gracen, who photographed Paul McCartney? Yeah, I'm right there with you it's a real s-t-r-e-t-c-h to link all these folks as interesting-enough to make for a theme cruise, but it is what it is. My guess is neither May Pang nor Nancy Lee Andrews nor Jorie Green is demanding the 7-figure appearance fee Sir Paul McCartney would have gotten. I'm guessing maybe they're doing this for a free cruise and a few complimentary cocktails on their bar tab. But by golly, if you want the Beatles this is as close as you're gonna get! I'm sure it will be loads of fun, all kidding aside. And there is still plenty of availability for inside, oceanview and even balcony cabins on this sailing! Call me for rates, as I'm sure this will sell out quickly once word spreads.
While we're on the subject of the UK, here's an interesting headline from the London Daily Telegraph, about the attention span of some Brits. In November, the Solihull Council in Britain's West Midlands county ordered a flooring store to remove the festive balloons it had pinned-up in front of their building, in an attempt to attract business. The Council in their ruling called them "hazards." One Councilor explained that "drivers may be distracted by the colors," and another was "concerned that if a balloon came loose, it might possibly float into traffic and lure a child to follow it." We can only assume that every citizen of Solihull England is either a cat, or a human on a strict diet of marijuana brownies.
Not everyone in our own US Homeland is a shining star of intellect, though. In a story from the Springfield Missouri News-Leader, 3 men were recently convicted in Kansas City of having swindled numerous customers, to pay up to $2000 apiece for a 3-inch-by-4-inch laminated card that said "Diplomat." According to court records, the sellers were able to convince the buyers that by being a Diplomat, they would legally free themselves from ever having to pay taxes, or being arrested for any crime. According to the FBI, the ages of the buyers ranged from 19 to 77, and all but 2 were college-educated. I've created some lapel-stickers which I'm headed to Kansas City to sell. They say "Not A Moron", and for only $100 I'll guarantee that no Diplomat Salesmen will accost anyone wearing one. They come in blue, green and mauve.
I can get you ones in Kansas City Chiefs red as well, but special orders have to add $39.95 shipping and handling (allow 6-8 weeks for delivery)...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Lions and Tiger and Bayer - OH MY!
As we're closing out 2009 (THANK GOODNESS!), some things have remained the same, while others have clearly gone a direction no one anticipated. The NFL's Detroit Lions have had the #1 or #2 draft pick for about 287 years in a row, but when the smoke clears there they are, in last place at the bottom of the heap. Another constant has been partisan bickering between Democrats and Republicans and Independents and Whigs and Frontiersmen and Whatever-other-political-association-anybody-might-have. Everyone hates everyone. No matter who you voted for, you were wrong. No matter what you believe, you're wrong. EVERYBODY SING IT WITH ME:
"I'm Proud To Be An American!"
Enough of all this sameness. Let's talk about the surprises of 2009. Golden Child Tiger Woods has been doing his best (or worst) impression of Mickey Rourke. Potentially-almost Vice-President John Edwards goes from having a silver spoon in his mouth, to having it shoved into a completely different place after ruining his reputation and lying to all of us. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took long weekend walks to Argentina. David Letterman proved he has more in common with ex-President Bill Clinton than an affection for cigars. And now, the American Diabetes Association is set to report in January that taking a daily low-dose aspirin has risks that fail to outweigh the benefits to the heart. You know what, though? As much as I admire scientists, I'm starting to get the same feeling as when I listen to the Whigs and Senators and Representatives and Politicos - whatever I choose to do is wrong. Well, Happy Holidays to you too, dang it! While any scientist worth his salt can prove or disprove another, regardless of their level of education or history or location of their academia, I'm gonna do what I do anyway since it seems to work for me! I take my "no burps" Fish Oil every day, because it has stuff in it to make me better than I am without it. Same with my For Him 50+ Multivitamins, because Heaven knows where I'd get Niacin and Zinc without them. I also take B-Complex. Why, you ask?
I'd tell you, but it's too Complex. Hahahahaha! (Notice the self-restraint I used there, instead of saying "...it B2 Complex."?) And finally, I take my Bayer low-dose, enteric-coated aspirin which waits until after it passes through the rigors of my stomach to dissolve. I'm not sure how it knows to do that, but "enteric" must mean "knows where to go in Cap'n Bob's digestive tract." Thank you Bayer! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and so far you haven't killed me. Now if I can only figure a way to get Riboflavin without having to eat all that cereal every morning....
Airport, Scareport!
A USA TODAY review of airport food inspections, including nearly 800 restaurants at 10 major airports in the US, found some pretty amazing statistics. Items such as tuna salad and turkey sandwiches were stored at dangerously warm temperatures. Raw meat was contaminating ready-to-eat foods. Kitchens lacked soap for workers to wash their hands. It seems serious violations are common at the recent inspection points, and that ain't what we need to hear at a time of year that MILLIONS of people are passing through airports. 42% of the 57 restaurants at Seattle-Tacoma Int'l Airport had at least one "critical" violation. So did 77% of Washington's Reagan National's 35 food outlets. Grab-and-go coolers often don't keep sandwiches, salads and yogurt cold enough to stop dangerous pathogens, reports show. There are 76 million cases of food-borne illnesses annually in the U.S., according to estimates from the Center for Disease Control. Most are never traced to the source, and doing so is even harder with airport restaurants because customers scatter immediately. More badness: there were 12 cases in a 4-month period at Atlanta's Hartsfield Int'l Airport, where inspectors found "traces of rodent activity." I don't need to tell you what those traces were. Same for JFK in New York, where 11 citations were issued over an 8-month span for vermin. Bottom line, if your state has posted health inspection ratings in restaurants, they'll also appear at the airport. You may want to scan the walls before ordering, just to be as safe as possible. It makes me wonder how many people have gone on vacation and found themselves with a stomach virus, thinking they caught it in the islands or on a cruise, when the culprit may have been the airport? TIP: you can pick up Purell wipes or other hand-sanitizer cloths to carry with you in airports, helping reduce your germ intake at least a bit. And order something COOKED FRESH to minimize the risk. I know, I know, salads are good for you and meat is bad. Hey - didn't you hear me earlier? I'm taking aspirin. I live on the edge!!
SPENDING YOUR INHERITANCE for Christmas?
Police in Selma Indiana say a fifth-grader decided to "play Santa" last week, handing out money to other students riding on his elementary school bus. The problem is, we're not talking about .50cents or a buck. The un-named juvenile was handing out "approximately $300 per student," after taking nearly $10,000 from his grandparents' safe. Delaware Indiana County Sheriff George Sheridan says the boy was handing out the money on Friday, the last school day before Christmas vacation began. He explained he had wanted to do something nice for everyone, particularly those kids less fortunate than he. Amazingly, some of the children who received the money told their teachers and the principal, and the Sheriff's Department was called. Officers found the boy carrying the remainder of the cash, and both he and the money were returned to his grandparents. The bus driver, who did not receive any cash, asked "What am I - chopped liver?" Bah! Humbug!
DRIVE YOUR BUS!!
"I'm Proud To Be An American!"
Enough of all this sameness. Let's talk about the surprises of 2009. Golden Child Tiger Woods has been doing his best (or worst) impression of Mickey Rourke. Potentially-almost Vice-President John Edwards goes from having a silver spoon in his mouth, to having it shoved into a completely different place after ruining his reputation and lying to all of us. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took long weekend walks to Argentina. David Letterman proved he has more in common with ex-President Bill Clinton than an affection for cigars. And now, the American Diabetes Association is set to report in January that taking a daily low-dose aspirin has risks that fail to outweigh the benefits to the heart. You know what, though? As much as I admire scientists, I'm starting to get the same feeling as when I listen to the Whigs and Senators and Representatives and Politicos - whatever I choose to do is wrong. Well, Happy Holidays to you too, dang it! While any scientist worth his salt can prove or disprove another, regardless of their level of education or history or location of their academia, I'm gonna do what I do anyway since it seems to work for me! I take my "no burps" Fish Oil every day, because it has stuff in it to make me better than I am without it. Same with my For Him 50+ Multivitamins, because Heaven knows where I'd get Niacin and Zinc without them. I also take B-Complex. Why, you ask?
I'd tell you, but it's too Complex. Hahahahaha! (Notice the self-restraint I used there, instead of saying "...it B2 Complex."?) And finally, I take my Bayer low-dose, enteric-coated aspirin which waits until after it passes through the rigors of my stomach to dissolve. I'm not sure how it knows to do that, but "enteric" must mean "knows where to go in Cap'n Bob's digestive tract." Thank you Bayer! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and so far you haven't killed me. Now if I can only figure a way to get Riboflavin without having to eat all that cereal every morning....
Airport, Scareport!
A USA TODAY review of airport food inspections, including nearly 800 restaurants at 10 major airports in the US, found some pretty amazing statistics. Items such as tuna salad and turkey sandwiches were stored at dangerously warm temperatures. Raw meat was contaminating ready-to-eat foods. Kitchens lacked soap for workers to wash their hands. It seems serious violations are common at the recent inspection points, and that ain't what we need to hear at a time of year that MILLIONS of people are passing through airports. 42% of the 57 restaurants at Seattle-Tacoma Int'l Airport had at least one "critical" violation. So did 77% of Washington's Reagan National's 35 food outlets. Grab-and-go coolers often don't keep sandwiches, salads and yogurt cold enough to stop dangerous pathogens, reports show. There are 76 million cases of food-borne illnesses annually in the U.S., according to estimates from the Center for Disease Control. Most are never traced to the source, and doing so is even harder with airport restaurants because customers scatter immediately. More badness: there were 12 cases in a 4-month period at Atlanta's Hartsfield Int'l Airport, where inspectors found "traces of rodent activity." I don't need to tell you what those traces were. Same for JFK in New York, where 11 citations were issued over an 8-month span for vermin. Bottom line, if your state has posted health inspection ratings in restaurants, they'll also appear at the airport. You may want to scan the walls before ordering, just to be as safe as possible. It makes me wonder how many people have gone on vacation and found themselves with a stomach virus, thinking they caught it in the islands or on a cruise, when the culprit may have been the airport? TIP: you can pick up Purell wipes or other hand-sanitizer cloths to carry with you in airports, helping reduce your germ intake at least a bit. And order something COOKED FRESH to minimize the risk. I know, I know, salads are good for you and meat is bad. Hey - didn't you hear me earlier? I'm taking aspirin. I live on the edge!!
SPENDING YOUR INHERITANCE for Christmas?
Police in Selma Indiana say a fifth-grader decided to "play Santa" last week, handing out money to other students riding on his elementary school bus. The problem is, we're not talking about .50cents or a buck. The un-named juvenile was handing out "approximately $300 per student," after taking nearly $10,000 from his grandparents' safe. Delaware Indiana County Sheriff George Sheridan says the boy was handing out the money on Friday, the last school day before Christmas vacation began. He explained he had wanted to do something nice for everyone, particularly those kids less fortunate than he. Amazingly, some of the children who received the money told their teachers and the principal, and the Sheriff's Department was called. Officers found the boy carrying the remainder of the cash, and both he and the money were returned to his grandparents. The bus driver, who did not receive any cash, asked "What am I - chopped liver?" Bah! Humbug!
DRIVE YOUR BUS!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Are You Comfortable, Ma'am?
You're NOT? Well, you only have to endure another 2 hours and 59 minutes. At least that's the plan, now that the Feds have declared 3 hours the longest passengers will have to wait on a plane before either take-off or returning to the gate. This is what you call a theoretically-great idea, if they can make it happen. Airlines are already throwing their noses up (their literal noses, not the ones on their aircraft), saying this is a bad idea and may ultimately lead to more flight cancellations and delays. Actually, Mr. Executive, you're dead wrong. It's a fabulous idea. It's what we non-airline employees call The Truth. We buy a "Contract of Carriage" which has 26,487 lines of fine print protecting your side of the story, telling us all the things you're not responsible for when we fly or attempt to fly. The key word is Contract. You ask the traveling public to abide by your side of the Contract, and now the Feds are mandating that you honor your side. You offer Point A to Point B for X number of dollars, leaving at Y and arriving at Z. (Note to non-math majors: if you didn't understand that part, you need to get yourself up to a 7th-grade geometry level to finish the remainder of your life -- find a tutor). Anyway, so it's a Contract. Mr. Airline Executive needs to understand that people who purchase their SERVICE, which is what they offer - not a product, want simply the basic part of the Contract honored. Many people fly because they're going to visit a relative in a strange town. The tendency is to tell that relative "My flight gets in at about 10:30am, so I'll meet you outside baggage claim around 11am." Simple, ain't it? That doesn't mean Grandma should be expected to keep circling the airport until 4:30pm or when she runs out of gas (this time I DO mean literally). She should reasonably expect the flight to be there somewhere near the time the airline advertised. But the fine print of that Contract allows for a multitude of excuses, some justified and others less so, and the track record of the airlines basically forced the Government to step in. There are other provisions, and it's basic passenger protection and 3 hours is still a heck of a long time if you're stuck in line on the tarmac, but it's certainly better than the status quo! There are exemptions for safety and security issues, but the Feds are taking this quite seriously and plan to impose a fine of more than $25,000 PER PASSENGER affected. Hopefully this will get the airlines to shape up, so you can ship out.
HOW TO MAKE EXTRA HOLIDAY CASH......NOT:
A Brooklyn, New York man is in trouble after devising a plan to make some extra money during the Holidays. He had discovered a city-owned garage near the old seaport district and Wall Street, which had been closed down. Authorities say his entrepreneurial spirit got the best of him, as he decided to break in to the closed garage and reopen it on his own. He began charging people for parking (cash only). The scam might have lasted a while if he had been reasonable in what he was charging, but officials received complaints from unwitting consumers, since he was actually charging more than the surrounding parking lots! The city's Department of Investigation said NY City Police were dispatched to the site, on only his 2nd day of business, and were able to chase him off though he eluded arrest temporarily. In his collection booth they found a half-empty soda can that was still cold, and were able to lift his DNA from the can to prove he was the alleged culprit. The man now faces charges of burglary and criminal impersonation. How's that for setting high standards? "You know, Ma, at one time it was my life's dream to be a parking attendant, but then I realized I could just pretend to be one without all that needless schooling, filling out a job application, or any of that legal mumbo-jumbo." You know she's a proud woman.
Respect is EARNED, not given...
In a report from the London Daily Mirror, a man in jail for attacking his wife with a machete is suing the Court, for referring to him as 'prisoner' rather than 'mister'. Bernard Pennington claimed the term 'prisoner' was derogatory, defamed his personal reputation, and breached his human rights. Along with the Court, he also tried to sue prison worker David Luckett who called him "Prisoner Pennington" while he was incarcerated at Kingston Prison in Portsmouth, England. A judge at Portsmouth County Court threw out the compensation claim, saying it had no merit whatsoever. He added "Please take Mr. Prisoner Pennington back to his cell." I love it. A judge who will meet you halfway. Given enough publicity, ABC will sign him to it's 4pm daily lineup of Judge This and Judge That, so we can all watch the Prisoner Penningtons of the world, and be thankful we're not them.
HOW TO MAKE EXTRA HOLIDAY CASH......NOT:
A Brooklyn, New York man is in trouble after devising a plan to make some extra money during the Holidays. He had discovered a city-owned garage near the old seaport district and Wall Street, which had been closed down. Authorities say his entrepreneurial spirit got the best of him, as he decided to break in to the closed garage and reopen it on his own. He began charging people for parking (cash only). The scam might have lasted a while if he had been reasonable in what he was charging, but officials received complaints from unwitting consumers, since he was actually charging more than the surrounding parking lots! The city's Department of Investigation said NY City Police were dispatched to the site, on only his 2nd day of business, and were able to chase him off though he eluded arrest temporarily. In his collection booth they found a half-empty soda can that was still cold, and were able to lift his DNA from the can to prove he was the alleged culprit. The man now faces charges of burglary and criminal impersonation. How's that for setting high standards? "You know, Ma, at one time it was my life's dream to be a parking attendant, but then I realized I could just pretend to be one without all that needless schooling, filling out a job application, or any of that legal mumbo-jumbo." You know she's a proud woman.
Respect is EARNED, not given...
In a report from the London Daily Mirror, a man in jail for attacking his wife with a machete is suing the Court, for referring to him as 'prisoner' rather than 'mister'. Bernard Pennington claimed the term 'prisoner' was derogatory, defamed his personal reputation, and breached his human rights. Along with the Court, he also tried to sue prison worker David Luckett who called him "Prisoner Pennington" while he was incarcerated at Kingston Prison in Portsmouth, England. A judge at Portsmouth County Court threw out the compensation claim, saying it had no merit whatsoever. He added "Please take Mr. Prisoner Pennington back to his cell." I love it. A judge who will meet you halfway. Given enough publicity, ABC will sign him to it's 4pm daily lineup of Judge This and Judge That, so we can all watch the Prisoner Penningtons of the world, and be thankful we're not them.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Carrie A Big (Hockey) Stick
Congratulations to American Idol and country music sensation Carrie Underwood, who announced her engagement to Mike Fisher, a hockey player for the Ottawa (Canada) Senators. For years, I've been a sportscard collector, and when I saw this in the news I figured now is the time to break out any Mike Fisher rookie cards I have tucked in the closet, as the interest in him would probably be at an all-time high. Maybe I can make some extra Christmas money, also known as "Holiday money" or "Season money" to the politically-correct among you. Well, so far the interest in Mike Fisher appears to be limited to females, with phrases that include "cute" and "hunky", none of which interest me at all unless they're buying his hockey cards for all the cuteness and hunk-ism he exudes. I was hoping to sell the cards for a couple of bucks on Ebay, but I'm seeing even the cuties and hunkies are only willing to pay about a nickel. A nickel. Let's review: Rookie card, sells for a nickel. It would cost me .15cents to post it on eBay, and another .50cents if I want to include a photograph of the card. Once sold, eBay takes its cut of the profits. Then I have to put it in a .10cent protective plastic case and sleeve, place that in a $1.00 bubble-wrap mailing envelope, and pay .44cents for a stamp. Hmmmmm. Given an initial look, this might not be the money-maker I thought it would be. So I'll wish the very best to Carrie and her beau, but I'll wait until they print Carrie Underwood rookie cards before re-visiting this idea. Who knows, on a good day I might break even.
Holland America's Rotterdam is just coming out of a month-long drydock, and they've added lots of toys and goodies to this sleigh. There are Lanai rooms, a new resort-style pool called "The Retreat", where you can actually put your chaise lounge in the shallow end and enjoy dipping whatever in the water. There's a new pizzaria called Slice, a hip lounge called Mix, and they've even added some balconies and spa cabins. All cabins on board, regardless of category, got upgraded linens, new bathrooms and fixtures. In a nutshell they're just sprucing up their older ships, because even at $40million-a-pop it's 15-20 times cheaper than building a new one. And it allows them to keep the smaller-sized vessels so many people enjoy. Their older ships are also in the pipeline to have the facelift in the next few months and years, trying to compete with some of the new and future builds. Good idea.
CANADIAN JUSTICE:
From a police report in North Bay Ontario Canada, an officer was in line at a traffic light, waiting for the cars in front to move, as normal. However, he suddenly realized nothing had moved through two light changes, so he exited his vehicle and walked up to the lead car to investigate. The driver apologized for the inconvenience, but said she was not able to move on the green lights because she was still on the phone. By a new Canadian law, driving while using a cell phone is illegal, so she decided to obey the new mandate by remaining still. The officer offered her a brief "lecture," to further improve the woman's understanding of Ontario law, then issued her a citation for failure to exhibit normal traffic laws. It was a non-moving violation.
Things aren't much better in Tennessee. According to the Knoxville News-Sentinel, Vincent Salters, 46, was arrested for trying to steal numerous right shoes. Earlier in the week, Mr. Salters had come into the Shoe Show store in Knoxville, and had shoplifted a large number of display shoes, thinking he'd pair them up when he got home. To his dismay, he had dashed out so hurriedly that he failed to notice all the display shoes were for the left foot. So he returned to the Shoe Show and began asking how he might locate just right-footed shoes, when an employee became suspicious and recognized him from surveillance photos. The police were called, and Salters was arrested.
Last in today's trilogy of terror, finds us in the frozen tundra of Minnesota. Travis Himmler, 22, was charged with burglary after he allegedly stole the cash register from the Golden Wok restaurant in Bloomington, Minn. Mr. Himmler didn't own a car, so he attempted to make his getaway on a bicycle. However, he was found by police just down the street from Golden Wok, injured with multiple lacerations and head trauma, after taking a bad spill from his bicycle. It seems the cash register cord was dangling off the machine and swinging freely, and it got caught in the bike's spokes, throwing Himmler head-first into the pavement. While waiting to be booked at the Police Station, the would-be burglar decided to open up the fortune cookie he had picked up at the Golden Wok restaurant. Besides having potentially-winning lottery numbers on the back, the small piece of paper said only:
"Today you will experience love in a new way"
We can only assume...
Holland America's Rotterdam is just coming out of a month-long drydock, and they've added lots of toys and goodies to this sleigh. There are Lanai rooms, a new resort-style pool called "The Retreat", where you can actually put your chaise lounge in the shallow end and enjoy dipping whatever in the water. There's a new pizzaria called Slice, a hip lounge called Mix, and they've even added some balconies and spa cabins. All cabins on board, regardless of category, got upgraded linens, new bathrooms and fixtures. In a nutshell they're just sprucing up their older ships, because even at $40million-a-pop it's 15-20 times cheaper than building a new one. And it allows them to keep the smaller-sized vessels so many people enjoy. Their older ships are also in the pipeline to have the facelift in the next few months and years, trying to compete with some of the new and future builds. Good idea.
CANADIAN JUSTICE:
From a police report in North Bay Ontario Canada, an officer was in line at a traffic light, waiting for the cars in front to move, as normal. However, he suddenly realized nothing had moved through two light changes, so he exited his vehicle and walked up to the lead car to investigate. The driver apologized for the inconvenience, but said she was not able to move on the green lights because she was still on the phone. By a new Canadian law, driving while using a cell phone is illegal, so she decided to obey the new mandate by remaining still. The officer offered her a brief "lecture," to further improve the woman's understanding of Ontario law, then issued her a citation for failure to exhibit normal traffic laws. It was a non-moving violation.
Things aren't much better in Tennessee. According to the Knoxville News-Sentinel, Vincent Salters, 46, was arrested for trying to steal numerous right shoes. Earlier in the week, Mr. Salters had come into the Shoe Show store in Knoxville, and had shoplifted a large number of display shoes, thinking he'd pair them up when he got home. To his dismay, he had dashed out so hurriedly that he failed to notice all the display shoes were for the left foot. So he returned to the Shoe Show and began asking how he might locate just right-footed shoes, when an employee became suspicious and recognized him from surveillance photos. The police were called, and Salters was arrested.
Last in today's trilogy of terror, finds us in the frozen tundra of Minnesota. Travis Himmler, 22, was charged with burglary after he allegedly stole the cash register from the Golden Wok restaurant in Bloomington, Minn. Mr. Himmler didn't own a car, so he attempted to make his getaway on a bicycle. However, he was found by police just down the street from Golden Wok, injured with multiple lacerations and head trauma, after taking a bad spill from his bicycle. It seems the cash register cord was dangling off the machine and swinging freely, and it got caught in the bike's spokes, throwing Himmler head-first into the pavement. While waiting to be booked at the Police Station, the would-be burglar decided to open up the fortune cookie he had picked up at the Golden Wok restaurant. Besides having potentially-winning lottery numbers on the back, the small piece of paper said only:
"Today you will experience love in a new way"
We can only assume...
Friday, December 18, 2009
Aria Smellin' What Cap'n Bob Is Cookin'?
Anyone who has visited Las Vegas over the past couple of years will tell you the most common sight has been cranes. Not the Whooping kind, but the Construction kind. Across from Planet Hollywood and Paris there has been a big hole-in-the-Earth, which has been the proposed City Center. It's the first futuristic concept to hit The Strip in many a moon, with the thought being to go completely away from "themed" hotels (Paris, Venetian, etc) and into the 21st century with a green, upscale product. Welcome to Aria! This new 4,000-bed luxury resort just opened in the midst of the $8.5 billion-with-a-B dollar City Center complex. Owned by MGM/Mirage, Aria stands 61-stories high and will be flanked by the Mandarin Oriental and Vdara hotels, aiming for an affluent demographic never quite seen in Las Vegas before. At least not under one roof. City Center is a huge gamble, no pun intended, but it is already having an effect on the older, smaller properties. Sahara just closed 2 of their towers in a cost-cutting move, and Binion's Gambling Hall downtown (the original site of the World Series of Poker) virtually shut its 365-guest hotel and eliminated 100 jobs, in an attempt to survive. Aria will also host a brand new Cirque du Soleil show called "Viva Elvis" which should have wide appeal, to both new visitors and classic Vegas repeaters. Here's a link to a photo gallery of 16 pictures, featuring the new Aria Hotel and it's surroundings. Pretty impressive:
http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/travel/new-9-billion-casino-opens-on-las-vegas-strip/20091217-kyqt.html
Oh yeah - I forgot to mention.....OF COURSE we have rates for Aria! Or just about any other Las Vegas hotel you could want, so call me to book any time. Email works too, but there's nothing as fast or efficient as the phone. I don't bite.
Exactly WHO is this child's role model again?
Tennessee investigators say a 4-year-old boy was found roaming his neighborhood 2 nights ago. If that weren't bad enough, he was also drinking beer and wearing a little girl's dress taken from under a neighbor's Christmas tree. The un-named child's mother, 21-year-old April Wright, tells WTVC-TV the boy "wants to go to jail because that's where his daddy is." The boy was taken to a local hospital, and treated for alcohol consumption. Initial reports say child protective services will still allow Ms. Wright to keep custody.
Interactive Do-Not-Call List
Daniel Adler, 61, from Stony Point, New York has been arrested and charged with assault. Police said Adler had been solicited by a Sears Home Improvement telemarketer, and after numerous calls had finally agreed to an appointment to meet the man in person. When the employee arrived, Adler allegedly punched him in the face. Mr. Adler said he had agreed to schedule the appointment only to "advise" Sears, in person, to quit calling him.
I'm sorry he was arrested, but Daniel Adler, you're my hero.
http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/travel/new-9-billion-casino-opens-on-las-vegas-strip/20091217-kyqt.html
Oh yeah - I forgot to mention.....OF COURSE we have rates for Aria! Or just about any other Las Vegas hotel you could want, so call me to book any time. Email works too, but there's nothing as fast or efficient as the phone. I don't bite.
Exactly WHO is this child's role model again?
Tennessee investigators say a 4-year-old boy was found roaming his neighborhood 2 nights ago. If that weren't bad enough, he was also drinking beer and wearing a little girl's dress taken from under a neighbor's Christmas tree. The un-named child's mother, 21-year-old April Wright, tells WTVC-TV the boy "wants to go to jail because that's where his daddy is." The boy was taken to a local hospital, and treated for alcohol consumption. Initial reports say child protective services will still allow Ms. Wright to keep custody.
Interactive Do-Not-Call List
Daniel Adler, 61, from Stony Point, New York has been arrested and charged with assault. Police said Adler had been solicited by a Sears Home Improvement telemarketer, and after numerous calls had finally agreed to an appointment to meet the man in person. When the employee arrived, Adler allegedly punched him in the face. Mr. Adler said he had agreed to schedule the appointment only to "advise" Sears, in person, to quit calling him.
I'm sorry he was arrested, but Daniel Adler, you're my hero.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I Need An Enormous Tape Measure - STAT!!
Back in Capn's School, one of the bright spots on my academic resume was mathematics. I was always pretty good with "ciphering" and adding my 2's to make 4. Just a gift, I guess, but apparently not everyone is so blessed when it comes to number-crunching. Not even ship designers or cruise line executives. In a USAToday.com travel article, there's a story today about Holland America's ship Veendam, which is scheduled to sail 24 week-long Bermuda cruises from New York City, starting April 25th. In all their preliminary literature and advertising, they said the ship will overnight in both St. Georges and Hamilton (the 2 main towns on Bermuda). Well, they're half-right. The ship will still pull along side in Hamilton, but St. Georges? Not so much. In a written statement just released, Holland America Line says they will not be docking in the 2nd location "due to challenges with the Town Cut and the narrow entrance to St. George’s Harbour.” Bluntly, they just realized the ship won’t fit. Instead, they will have to anchor offshore, and have passengers use ferries and tender boats to get to town. The local ferries hold up to 700 passengers, but they don't necessarily go as often as you like, or as quickly as you like. Certainly a lot slower and less-desirable than just walking off the ship the way it was originally presented. Local businesses are also upset, as they saw the proposed docking as a boon to their shops and tourist haunts. Holland America is encouraging the locals to dredge the harbor wider and deeper, to accommodate more ships like Veendam. But Bermuda could have done that 100+ years ago, and they really don't want large ships. So I doubt that the cruise line's lack of planning is going to constitute Bermuda's emergency. Suggestion for next time? As the old saying goes, "Do the math."
Speaking of school and number-crunching, everyone knows there are services and commercial test-preparation courses available for high-end schools. These are extremely popular with applicants to top colleges and grad schools, and more recently for admission to prestigious private high schools. According to a New York Times report, private coaching is increasingly important for admission to New York City's high-achiever-status public kindergartens. Basic coaching for these prodigious 3- and 4-year-olds can cost over $1,000. Training includes teaching a child to listen to an adult's questions, and to sit still. Minimum qualification for top-shelf kindergartens are scores at the 90th percentile or above on the Olsat reasoning test, and the Bracken School Readiness knowledge test. My Dad used to have a system for getting me to listen and sit still. Didn't cost $1000, either. It just started with "Where's my belt?"
From the Lincoln Nebraska Journal Star newspaper, a little story about government in action. Or government inaction, depending on your viewpoint. In September, Nebraska did a background check on prison guard Michal Preclik, who had been on the job for a year and was being promoted. Standard procedure with any payscale change and promotion is obtaining an updated background check on the individual. The Corrections Department's background check was done through the FBI's National Criminal Information Center database, which turned up nothing. Clean as a whistle. However, on a lark another employee simply Googled the name Michal Preclik, only to find out he was wanted by Interpol for drug and fraud crimes in the Czech Republic. Google showed the Interpol wanted poster with Preclik's photo, as one of its top search results.
Kleen-Up On Aisle Zwei!
What's with the German you ask? I bring it up because of an incident in the town of Aachen. Two German shoppers grabbed the last grocery cart, and a scuffle ensued between a 74-year-old man and a 35-year-old woman. They began arguing over who got the cart first, when the woman's younger brother suddenly punched the elderly man, knocking him to the ground. The woman, her brother and mother continued on shopping, when suddenly the roughed-up Senior made a comeback, hitting the brother with a 3-foot salami. At almost that same instant, the elderly man found himself fighting off the 53-year-old mother, who had attacked him back with a 4-lb piece of Parmesan cheese, which she used to stab at him like it was a knife. The fight ended after police arrived to break it up, and two of those involved were treated for minor injuries. No word on whether charges have been filed on any of the combatants. There's also been very little talk recently of a "Master race"....
Speaking of school and number-crunching, everyone knows there are services and commercial test-preparation courses available for high-end schools. These are extremely popular with applicants to top colleges and grad schools, and more recently for admission to prestigious private high schools. According to a New York Times report, private coaching is increasingly important for admission to New York City's high-achiever-status public kindergartens. Basic coaching for these prodigious 3- and 4-year-olds can cost over $1,000. Training includes teaching a child to listen to an adult's questions, and to sit still. Minimum qualification for top-shelf kindergartens are scores at the 90th percentile or above on the Olsat reasoning test, and the Bracken School Readiness knowledge test. My Dad used to have a system for getting me to listen and sit still. Didn't cost $1000, either. It just started with "Where's my belt?"
From the Lincoln Nebraska Journal Star newspaper, a little story about government in action. Or government inaction, depending on your viewpoint. In September, Nebraska did a background check on prison guard Michal Preclik, who had been on the job for a year and was being promoted. Standard procedure with any payscale change and promotion is obtaining an updated background check on the individual. The Corrections Department's background check was done through the FBI's National Criminal Information Center database, which turned up nothing. Clean as a whistle. However, on a lark another employee simply Googled the name Michal Preclik, only to find out he was wanted by Interpol for drug and fraud crimes in the Czech Republic. Google showed the Interpol wanted poster with Preclik's photo, as one of its top search results.
Kleen-Up On Aisle Zwei!
What's with the German you ask? I bring it up because of an incident in the town of Aachen. Two German shoppers grabbed the last grocery cart, and a scuffle ensued between a 74-year-old man and a 35-year-old woman. They began arguing over who got the cart first, when the woman's younger brother suddenly punched the elderly man, knocking him to the ground. The woman, her brother and mother continued on shopping, when suddenly the roughed-up Senior made a comeback, hitting the brother with a 3-foot salami. At almost that same instant, the elderly man found himself fighting off the 53-year-old mother, who had attacked him back with a 4-lb piece of Parmesan cheese, which she used to stab at him like it was a knife. The fight ended after police arrived to break it up, and two of those involved were treated for minor injuries. No word on whether charges have been filed on any of the combatants. There's also been very little talk recently of a "Master race"....
Friday, December 11, 2009
2 Weeks To Sanity?
I was raised on insane comedy. 3 Stooges. F-Troop. Soupy Sales. And then there were the co-creators of much of that genre, the Marx Brothers. Obviously they were also beloved by the rock group Queen, who went on to name their records after numerous Marx Brothers movies. "Night At The Opera" has some great scenes, including one where Fiorello (Chico Marx) and Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho) are discussing the details of a new contract they're supposed to sign:
Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello: No, that's no good.
Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Otis B. Driftwood: It says...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello: Er... just the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The party of the first part?
Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract...” look, why quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? (he rips it off the page). Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...
Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?
Fiorello: I no like the second party, either.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days! (rips the 2nd part off the page)
Fiorello: What's that clause down there?
Otis B. Driftwood: That clause down here?
Fiorello: Yes, that clause down there.
Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that clause is in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello (laughing out loud): Ha, ha - you can't fool me! There's no such thing as Sanity Claus!
And so it goes. Some people believe there's no such thing as Sanity Claus, but with as lousy as 2009 has been, I'm still hoping a real Holiday Spirit exists, by whichever name you choose to call Him. Or Her. Or It. Whatever the case, I hope all my clients and friends and readers have a wonderful and very merry (insert whichever Holiday you celebrate here).
"Yeah, I started getting loose just past the porch, in that wide open area by the oak tree, and I had to just shut 'er down!"
Tired of weekend chores? Wish you could get through them faster? Maybe you should speak to Don Wales, a British race-car driver who has just designed a lawn mower that can travel up to 100 miles per hour. He's hoping to break the current world record of 80 mph, which has stood since 2006. Mr. Wales already holds world records for electric and steam-powered cars. The lawn mower, which by coincidence can also cut grass, is equipped with a standard power mower engine that has been modified to run on high-octane racing fuel. It's also been tweaked to increase stability, and has been fitted with narrow racing tires to reduce drag. He plans to attempt to break the record in February...stay tuned...
HOLY COW, Batman!
Or maybe it's just a divine bovine? Last week at a dairy farm in Sterling Connecticut, a calf was born with a white marking on its forehead, in the approximate shape of a cross. Owner Brad Davis told WFSB-TV he thinks the marking may be a message from above, though he's still trying to figure out what that message might be. The mostly brown calf is half Jersey, half Holstein. Neighborhood children have named it Moses. However, from the earliest reports there have been no sightings of any Wise Men roaming the area. None.
Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello: No, that's no good.
Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Otis B. Driftwood: It says...”The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello: Er... just the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The party of the first part?
Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract...” look, why quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? (he rips it off the page). Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...
Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?
Fiorello: I no like the second party, either.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days! (rips the 2nd part off the page)
Fiorello: What's that clause down there?
Otis B. Driftwood: That clause down here?
Fiorello: Yes, that clause down there.
Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that clause is in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello (laughing out loud): Ha, ha - you can't fool me! There's no such thing as Sanity Claus!
And so it goes. Some people believe there's no such thing as Sanity Claus, but with as lousy as 2009 has been, I'm still hoping a real Holiday Spirit exists, by whichever name you choose to call Him. Or Her. Or It. Whatever the case, I hope all my clients and friends and readers have a wonderful and very merry (insert whichever Holiday you celebrate here).
"Yeah, I started getting loose just past the porch, in that wide open area by the oak tree, and I had to just shut 'er down!"
Tired of weekend chores? Wish you could get through them faster? Maybe you should speak to Don Wales, a British race-car driver who has just designed a lawn mower that can travel up to 100 miles per hour. He's hoping to break the current world record of 80 mph, which has stood since 2006. Mr. Wales already holds world records for electric and steam-powered cars. The lawn mower, which by coincidence can also cut grass, is equipped with a standard power mower engine that has been modified to run on high-octane racing fuel. It's also been tweaked to increase stability, and has been fitted with narrow racing tires to reduce drag. He plans to attempt to break the record in February...stay tuned...
HOLY COW, Batman!
Or maybe it's just a divine bovine? Last week at a dairy farm in Sterling Connecticut, a calf was born with a white marking on its forehead, in the approximate shape of a cross. Owner Brad Davis told WFSB-TV he thinks the marking may be a message from above, though he's still trying to figure out what that message might be. The mostly brown calf is half Jersey, half Holstein. Neighborhood children have named it Moses. However, from the earliest reports there have been no sightings of any Wise Men roaming the area. None.
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